Hush
by nolotica
Summary: [collab with scarylolita] University is off to a rough start. Issues from Kiba's childhood keep creeping out of the closet, Sasuke's grades are slipping seemingly inexplicably, and Naruto is just busy trying to keep everyone afloat. Everyone has secrets. If you keep them bottled up long enough, they'll eat you alive. College AU. TW: trauma from rape and CSA, drug and alcohol abuse
1. Chapter 1: Naruto

Naruto © Masashi Kishimoto

TW: Honestly everything you can think of. Is it bad? It's in here. Message me for a full list, although it will contain major spoilers.

 **Naruto's POV**

Soccer practise just ended and now I'm at a party. I don't even know what the fuck is being celebrated. Maybe it's the start of the new term. Maybe it's the end of the soccer season. Maybe it's nothing at all. College kids don't exactly need a reason to throw a party.

I'm sipping on a beer. Kiba is at my side, already pleasantly smashed. He's good at this. He's good at totally erasing his mind for the night and waking up without a hangover. I don't know how he does it.

Hinata is in the corner talking with Ino and Sakura. She is smiling shyly, the way she always is. Unlike her, Sakura and Ino like to talk. They get chatty. They get nosy. They like to gossip. I guess I can't say it like it's a bad thing, though, because I can be just as nosy. I like to know things about everyone.

My cousin Karin is on the arm of a sofa taken up by Suigetsu, Jugo and Sasuke Uchiha. They're her friends, not mine.

I glance at Kiba. His eyes are glazed over and there's an oblivious look on his face. His shaggy brown hair is still a damp mess from the rushed shower he took after practise and his face is stubbly.

"Man, might wanna slow down," I tell him.

As soon as the words come out, I want to roll my eyes at myself because I sound like such a fucking hypocrite.

He doesn't respond. He just gives me a wry smile and tilts an eyebrow, almost like he knows what I'm thinking.

Kiba was one of my first friends on campus. We actually knew each other in high school too since we're from the same neighborhood but we never really hung out much. I ran into him during training week before the rest of the students got to campus since we're both on the soccer team. I didn't even know we were going to the same college—I guess that goes to show how much we communicated before now. He's pretty easy to get along with compared to some of the other jocks who are major douchebags, but I don't get to see him a ton because he still lives at home instead of on campus.

Frankly, I haven't had a lot of time to meet other people from our school. Practice took up a lot of my free time and we weren't allowed to go to parties in light of dry season. Now that it's over, I plan to make more of an effort to get out and let myself make more friends.

My roommate is a kid named Sai—he's pretty artsy so he hangs out with Karin and some of the other people from that department. I could ask him to introduce me to his crew, but I think it might be weird. A lot of the friend groups have already formed.

Me and Sakura used to date. We were an item for two years before she came to the realization that she didn't even like men. I had no idea what to do with that information, but we remained close, so I guess all is well.

It makes me wonder where her mind was each time we fucked.

"Enjoy the party, Naruto," Kiba says to me. "Stop looking so sour."

"I'm not," I argue.

"What were you thinking about, then?" he pries.

I don't respond. I just give him a particularly dull look.

"Sakura?" he guesses.

He knows me too fucking well.

"Too bad she's a lesbian," he adds.

I roll my eyes at him. Tactful as ever, this guy.

"Yeah, too bad," I mumble back bitterly.

"Don't worry about it too much." Kiba lets out a laugh, patting me forcefully on the shoulder. "I'm going to get another drink, want anything?"

I shake my head, but tell him that I need to get something from my room.

I'm lucky because this party is being hosted in one of the apart-like quads in my dorm building. My own room is only three floors up so it's not hard to dip back when I need to.

I take the stairs two at a time and reach my door in no time. I leave it unlocked because I don't have anything worth stealing—nothing out in the open anyway.

Sai is out and I'm relieved. He spends a lot of time in the room and it gets to be suffocating sometimes when I come back and want to be left alone.

I close the door behind me and saunter over to my dresser, rifling around in my sock drawer.

I find what I'm looking for and pull out a small plastic baggie with a small amount of white powder in it. Guess I'm running low.

I pull my dorm key out of my pocket and stick in the tip, bringing a small amount of the powder to my nose and inhaling sharply.

I wrinkle my nose, rubbing it with the back of my hand and sniffling a bit.

That's more like it.

I head back downstairs after a few more minutes and by now Kiba is chatting with some of our other buddies. They're people I'm friends with as well, but that isn't interesting me right now. I'm friends with most people. I like to be liked. It makes me feel desired. Wanted. All that shit.

Instead of trying to find more familiar faces, I look to the first unfamiliar face I see. It's a thin guy with pale skin, red hair and huge bags under his eyes. There's something interesting about him, though. So, I head straight for him.

He eyes me as I make my way over and puts a hand on his hip, almost like he's expecting something. Maybe I'm being a little too obvious here.

"Hey, there," I greet, giving him a grin.

"Hi," he responds. His voice is deep and cold.

"What's your name?"

"Gaara Sabaku."

"I'm Naruto – Naruto Uzumaki," I introduce myself. "Why are you standing around here all alone?"

"I lost my friends," he answers.

"That's too bad," I reply. "You'll just have to hang out with me then."

Gaara blinks, but doesn't reply. I guess he didn't think it was funny.

"Uh, who are your friends? Maybe I saw them?" I murmur, trying to be helpful.

"I thought we were hanging out," he deadpans.

Jeez, this guy…

"Yeah!" I say in an attempt to recover. "I have nothing else to do, so, yeah!"

We wander into the tiny shared kitchen that is already crowded with people and Gaara picks up a beer off the counter. It's already open and I doubt it's his, but he drinks from it slowly as he leans against the wall and stares me straight in the eye.

It's uncomfortable and for a second I'm not sure what to do. I feel jumpy and I want to move around but there are too many people in this place.

"So, what are you studying?" I ask in a vain attempt to make conversation.

"Don't know, we're only freshmen," Gaara replies.

I laugh awkwardly, "Yeah, me neither…"

The silence is killing me. I fucking hate silence. It makes me uncomfortable. I know that that sounds stupid. Silence shouldn't be so intimidating, but it is for me. I find noises, sounds and constant conversations comforting. I'm pretty extroverted, but right now I don't know what to say and I have no idea why.

Gaara stares at me like he's staring through me. He looks completely apathetic. When he's finished the drink, he sets it back down and then continues to eye me.

"So, what now?" he asks me expectantly. "Want to go to bed?"

"Well, that's forward," I comment.

"I'm bored," he says with a sigh. "I want to do something."

I begin to wonder exactly what the fuck I've gotten myself into… but since I'm in one of those moods, I say sure, and we head to my room. Sai is still missing in action, so I guess that's a good thing. The last thing I need is for a guy like him to find me experimenting. He'd never let me live it down.

I lock my door for the first time in my life and sit on my bed. Gaara starts unbuttoning my pants looking like he couldn't give less of a fuck about what we're doing.

I should probably feel shyer than I do, but I bet it's because I'm messed up right now. Maybe it's because Gaara is acting to confident and I want to keep up with him.

He pulls out my dick and puts his mouth around it right away.

To be honest, it doesn't feel great. I'm not sure if it's because there was no build up or because I'm just not into dudes.

I guess realistically it could also be because it's hard as fuck to cum when I'm on cocaine.

It takes a while. He's probably as fucked up as I am, so maybe he doesn't mind that this is lasting forever. I close my eyes and try to think about something that might turn me on more than my current situation, but nothing really comes to mind. I don't know why.

When I finally cum, it's not even a good orgasm. It just makes me feel cheap and deflated. It's also kind of sobering in a way.

I tuck myself back into my pants and before I can get an awkward word out, my door swings open and Sai is standing there. He looks annoyed.

"What is it?" I ask him, trying not to sound too snappy. A split second earlier and he would have caught me with my dick out.

"Your friend is barfing everywhere," he says flatly.

"Which friend?" I ask. Why am I the one to have to deal with it?

"The one on your soccer team I see you with sometimes. I forget his name," Sai mumbles, entering the room and grabbing a folded sweater off his bed. "Hey Gaara."

Gaara nods but doesn't respond. I guess they know each other.

"Kiba?" I wonder out loud and Sai slips his sweater over his head.

"Mmm, yeah, that's him."

"Well where is he?" I scowl. Sai could have at least brought Kiba up with him.

"Hogging the bathroom in the quad," Sai tells me nonchalantly. "People are probably getting pretty annoyed with him by now."

I roll my eyes. "I'll be right back, it was nice to meet you Gaara."

Again Gaara doesn't respond. Ugh, what a weird guy.

I run back downstairs and sure enough, a number of pissed off looking people are lined up outside the door to the bathroom.

"Excuse me, sorry," I say as I squeeze past them all. "You know there's a communal one down the hall right?"

A few of the bystanders groan but thankfully they mostly turn to leave. I give the bathroom door a tap.

"Hey, how's it going in there?" I ask quietly.

"S'bad," Kiba mumbles back.

I crack the door and see him resting the side of his head on the toilet seat. His eyes are closed and he doesn't acknowledge me as I slip into the tiny room.

"Wow, I've never seen you blow chucks before!" I joke, crouching down beside him. "Do you have the spins?"

"Yes," he says tersely. Then he sniffles a bit and I don't know if it's because he's drunk or upset. Either way, it's not a happy thing to see. I'm a sucker for crybabies, but Kiba isn't a crybaby. I sit down with him and see that his eyes are wet. It makes me feel bad for him.

"You'll be all right," I say.

He always is, but I guess this time is different because he's at a whole new level of trashed.

He doesn't say anything. He just blinks slowly, not staring at anything in particular. I inch a bit closer and rub his back.

"Why'd you get so drunk?" I ask him. "Did you just forget how much you've had?"

"I'unno," he slurs. A few tears slide out and I feel my guts twisting around. He looks so out of it. "Ugh, I wish I was dead."

"No, you don't," I say. "You're just drunk."

I stand up and then help him stand. He wipes his chin with a piece of toilet paper and flushes the toilet, swaying as he inches towards the sink. He turns the taps on and bends over, rinsing his mouth out. When he's good to go, I walk him back into my room. He can stay with me tonight and hopefully he won't be hung over in the morning. I'll get him some water to sip on or something.

Thankfully, Gaara has left. That would have been an awkward one to explain. Sai is gone too—probably out to another party.

I rummage through my dresser until I find two pairs of sweatpants. Kiba and I have a pretty similar build, so I know they'll fit him.

"You can borrow these," I say as I toss the clothing onto my bed where he's sitting.

He stares at me dully for a second before standing up and stripping down to his boxers, which surprises me a little because Kiba is usually pretty reserved in the locker rooms.

"Thanks," he tells me a moment after slipping into the sweats.

I wish I could say that there was a way for us both to squeeze onto my bed, but there's just no way in hell two biggish dudes are going to fit onto the tiny twin-sized mattress. It's fine though, I can sleep on the floor for just one night—no big deal.

"You can have the bed," I tell him.

He doesn't protest. He doesn't say anything at all. He just unceremoniously flops onto it.

I grab a sleeping bag from my closet and set myself up on the floor for the night. I fill Kiba a glass of water, setting it down. Hopefully this will help, even if it's just in the slightest. After that, I change into my pajamas and lie down.

I hope Kiba isn't hung over as fuck in the morning.

.

.

I wake up to voices. Kiba is on the phone. He still sounds drunk and when I check the time on my phone I see that it is six in the fucking morning.

"What the hell?" I groan at him before glancing around.

Sai is asleep in his bed. He's still dead to the world.

Sorry," he whispers to me, throwing me a side glance before continuing his conversation. "Yeah, I'm sorry, I jus'stayed with a friend on campus. I'm so ,so sorry I forgot to tell you—it jus'slipped my mind."

It must be Kiba's parents wondering why he never came home last night. They've always been a little weird and overprotective. I think that's why he doesn't live on campus. I asked him once if it was to save money and he said no, so I asked if he just liked his parents a lot and he said no to that too. Since then I've just been assuming that it wasn't really his choice.

"Yeah…yeah." Kiba says quietly into the receiver, but I can hear angry shouting on the other line, "I'll come home righ'now."

He hangs up the phone and slowly gets out of bed.

"I'm sorry, Naruto," he mumbles. "That was so fuckin' shitty of me."

"You're not going to try and drive home, are you?" I hiss, completely bypassing his apology. "You're probably still fucking drunk."

"My parents are fuckin' pissed off," he tells me. "I need to go right now."

"No," I insist. "Seriously, you cannot drive home like this."

"Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do?"

"Man, you're an adult," I remind him. "Your parents are being unreasonable. Stick around here until you feel good enough to head out."

"I need to go now," he says, sounding like it's of utmost importance. I don't fucking get it.

"Then I'll drive you," I offer.

"I just –" he starts, but I cut him off.

"You're not putting me out," I insist. I force myself out of my sleeping bag and grab my keys from my nightstand. "Come on," I say with a nod. "It's important, right? Let's go. If you drive, you'll probably pass out at the wheel and die or something."

He snorts. "Probably…"

Somewhat begrudgingly, he follows after me. Neither of us bothers to get dressed. Fuck it. We leave the building and head straight for my car. I can tell Kiba doesn't feel too great because he's being quiet. Usually he is chattier – kind of like me.

Even though I've technically known Kiba for years, I've never been to his house and he has to give me directions. He ends up living surprisingly close to my old house, and it's a wonder that we weren't better friends as kids.

To be honest, I didn't have a lot of supervision when I was younger and that probably put Kiba's family off. They were always up his ass about one thing or another while I just ran around being mischievous.

I moved to the neighborhood when I was about five years old. I used to live in a different city entirely but something fucked up happened. Someone tried to rob our house and ended up shooting both my mom and dad. All I really remember was hiding in my room underneath my bed until a police officer came and found me and told me it was safe. After that, I moved in with Karin's family. They were nice but always busy, so Karin and I mostly hung out together and did our own thing.

It wasn't bad. I'm just glad I wasn't left alone or put in some shitty foster home. I've heard way too many horror stories. I didn't want that to be _my_ story.

Soon enough, I'm pulling into a driveway. It's a modest looking house with a fence in the front and a dog running around. Kiba lets out a sigh.

"Want me to come in with you?" I ask.

"No," he says quickly. "S'fine."

"If you say so," I relent. I guess I have no right to force myself into this situation, weird as it may seem to me. I just hope his parents don't freak out too hard. He's nearly nineteen, for fuck's sake. I don't get what the big deal is.

He gets out of the car and lazily jogs up the driveway, heading inside. I'll give him a text later on to make sure everything is okay.

I enter through the main door of my dorm building and glance into the common area as I pass by. I see Gaara sitting on one of the couches reading a chemistry textbook and doing what looks like a worksheet.

"Hey, getting a late start I see, sleepyhead," I joke and I walk into the room to greet him.

Gaara looks up and at and blinks. I wonder if he caught the sarcasm.

"I can't sleep," he mumbles.

"That sucks, sorry dude." I give him my condolences.

"Why are you awake?" Gaara asks me, turns back to his textbook and flipping the page.

"Had to take my friend home."

"This early?" he questions.

"I know right?" I laugh. "He lives off campus and his parents called wondering where he was. Guess they're pissed he forgot to mention to them that he was staying out."

Gaara nods but doesn't respond.

I sit with him, sighing. I feel like I shouldn't try to ignore the fact that he had my dick in his mouth mere hours ago. "Look, about last night –"

"Don't worry about it," he immediately cuts me off. "We don't have to talk about it. I can sense you probably don't want to."

"Er, well," I pause, my voice getting quieter. "I never did anything with a guy before."

"Could've fooled me," he retorts and I'm not really sure what he means by that. Then he adds, "You seemed eager – like you approached me knowing exactly what you wanted."

"I guess so," I say, unable to deny it. I lean back on the sofa, staring up at the ceiling. "I don't know."

"I don't know what to tell you if you're suddenly feeling upset by it," he tells me carelessly. "That's not my problem." He's still leafing through his text book, seeming to pay me little mind.

"It's not that," I try to argue, but maybe it IS that. "You seemed eager too," I retort finally. "Like, you were the one who suggested it."

"Okay," he says completely plain-faced, "But I'm not the one who's all concerned about it now."

I don't know why I'm feeling weird about it. I've never thought I was into guys before but maybe the opportunity just never presented itself. I dated Sakura for a while and before that didn't really have my eyes on anybody else—then when we broke up I was too busy getting over her to be thinking about new people.

I fidget for a moment in the silence before Gaara pretty blatantly changes the subject.

"How was dealing with your drunk friend? Did he throw up in your room?" he asks.

"No," I tell him. "He was fine after I got him from downstairs."

Gaara nods and since the conversation is stiff and awkward, I decide to leave.

"I'll see you around," I tell him, standing up and giving and little wave.

"I live on the second floor in room 210 if you ever want to 'hang out,'" he says without even looking up at me, but I get what he means.

I nod, even though he can't see it. Then I wander back into my room. I don't know. If he's up for it, then maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing to explore that side of myself a bit more. Next time, though, I'll do it sober.

When I'm back in my room, I shoot Kiba a text message asking him if everything is okay and if his parents are still mad. He doesn't get back to me, but he probably will later, so I let it sit for now.

I open my laptop and sit on my bed, trying to get a little bit of homework done. I hate school, to be honest. I probably wouldn't be here if I didn't get some scholarship for disadvantaged students. It's hard for me to pay attention and sit still. I don't even know what the hell I'll end up doing with my life. Nothing really interests me. I guess that sounds bad, but it's true. Nothing interests me and I don't want to be here.

Not knowing what I want to do is a huge part of why I'm here in the first place. I didn't know what I wanted to pursue so I just ended up moving from high school to college as a way of giving myself more time to decide. I took some interesting classes first term but nothing that I think I could do for the rest of my life. I'm not comfortable committing like that.

Sai is a studio art major and even though he admits it's maybe not the most financially sound decision, it's his passion and he loves the art department. Besides, he's really talented so he'll probably end up making a shit ton of money in the end.

I'll admit it's a little intimidating to have people around who have their whole lives figured out, but luckily about half the people here seem just as confused as I am.

I guess it's normal. I just hope I figure it out soon and don't drudge through my entire college experience not knowing what the hell I'm doing.

Around late noon, I finally hear my phone beep. I grab it and open up a text from Kiba saying that everything is fine. It's vague, but I guess I don't know if I have a right to pry for more information. He's weird when it comes to his family. He doesn't like to talk about them much, but I know enough to know they stress him out a lot. It pisses me off.

I text him back asking him if he's sure nonetheless. He says he is. Then he tells me he'll see me tomorrow in class. I guess that's that. He doesn't want to talk about it. He never fuckin' does.

It bugs the fuck out of me that they never seem to leave him alone. We're not little kids anymore and they should let him do what he wants. I understand that they're paying for his college and all but that doesn't mean they should have control over every aspect of his life. Maybe it would be fair to set a rule like no drugs in the house or no girls staying the night but such an intense curfew feels overbearing. It's not like he needs guidance on how to go to bed on time and get his homework done.

Whatever though. He seems to function fine within it and I guess that's that. If it bugged him enough he'd probably tell them to step off and let him live his life but it must not feel worth the fight.

.

.

On Monday, Kiba seems perfectly fine. I get a little nosy and ask what his parents said when he got back, but he just shrugs and says, "Typical stuff. They just worried because I didn't tell them where I was going to be."

"Oh, shitty," I tell him, but I guess that is fair enough.

We have Introduction to Business together, which is a full year course. It's fucking boring. I regret taking it. At least the professor is cool, though. His name is Kakashi Hatake and he seems like he doesn't give a fuck about anything.

We sit in the back. Kiba ends up dosing off. The professor probably notices, but he doesn't say anything. Kiba is only wasting his own time.

I try to take some notes. I try to pay attention. I try to sit still, but my mind keeps racing the way it always does.

Up at the front of the classroom there's Sasuke Uchiha. I know his name because he's friends with Karin. I've even hung out with him in a group setting before but we didn't really talk—we don't have much in common since he's all artsy and broody and that's literally the opposite of myself.

Sasuke takes his grades seriously which is why he's always up at the front of the classroom, but he also has a bit of a reputation at the campus parties. He's pretty good looking—it would be dumb for me to deny it—and all the ladies love him, so it's not unusual to see him trashed as fuck at a Friday night frat party with a new girl hanging off his lips.

Sasuke's never out on Saturdays though, probably because he uses Sundays to do his homework. I don't know how the fuck he juggles it all.

I watch him for a few minutes, looking all studious. He's taking notes, scribbling quickly. His writing is probably impeccably neat. Everything about him is both impeccable and neat. His hair is always perfect, his skin is always perfect, his clothes are always perfect. He hands everything in on time. He probably gets perfect marks. He seems like the type.

His parents are lawyers along with his brother and a large majority of his relatives. They own a law firm. Sasuke is probably studying to become a lawyer as well, whether or not he wants to.

Families are weird. My own family is so chilled out that I can't even relate to people like Sasuke and Kiba. My aunt and uncle let me and Karin have a lot of freedom. Because of that, we never really felt the need to rebel.

Finally, the class comes to an end. It's a relief because I'm bored out of my fucking mind. The exams in this class are going to be a fucking doozy because I can't seem to pay attention. Maybe Kiba and I will be able to compare notes and fill in the blanks where one of us was asleep.

Speaking of Kiba, he's still passed out at his desk. I put a hand on his shoulder and give him a light shake. It'll be embarrassing if people see him as they start to leave the room.


	2. Chapter 2: Kiba

**Kiba's POV**

I wake up with a start when I feel Naruto grab at me, but I don't think he realizes he surprised me because he's just staring at me with a dopey look on his face.

"Did I fall asleep again?" I ask, wiping drool off the corner of my mouth.

Naruto nods and I groan. I have to start getting more sleep.

I gather my shit together and we leave the classroom as the rest of the students are piling out. I have another class right now, but Naruto doesn't have any more until tonight. I guess it doesn't matter when his classes are because he lives on campus. I don't, though, so mine are always back to back.

Sometimes I wish I could live on campus. It would be easier, but I can't.

"So, you're sure everything is cool with your family?" Naruto pries again, walking me to my next class.

"Yeah, for fuck's sake, man," I say, getting irked.

"Touchy much," he mutters.

"Well, if I say something is fine, then it's fucking fine," I reiterate.

"Asshole," he says to me and soon enough we're standing in front of the door to my next class. "See yah," he mumbles, waving me off.

"Bye," I say back to him as I enter my classroom.

Since it's the start of the term I haven't really met anyone in this course yet, but that's fine, I don't mind sitting by myself. The class is microbiology, which I have to take because I'm on the pre-veterinary track. I took regular biology last semester so I could get into this one, and it takes up a lot of my time because it's fucking hard and requires a lab class with it. Frankly, I don't have energy to talk with my classmates on top of paying attention and taking good notes in a course like this.

I feel a little out of my depth pursing a science, especially in a competitive field like veterinary science. I'm not a particularly gifted student and have to work really hard to get good grades. Fortunately, I'm pretty passionate about animals.

I take my seat. I'll have to try not to fall asleep again. I probably need to take a nap when I get home. At least I only have one more course after this.

I open my notebook and prepare to take notes once the lecture starts.

.

.

When the school day is done, I find my car in the parking lot and drive home. I take the scenic route and by the time I get home, the house is empty. I'm glad for it. When I step inside, Kuromaru starts to bark. Kuromaru is my mother's dog. He's a big, black mutt who has been around for most of my life.

"Hey, it's just me," I say and he settles down. I pet his head and then slip out of my sneakers, moving up to my room. I close the door and kick off my jeans and sweater in favour of something comfier. With that, I kill the light and climb into bed. When I feel myself begin to nod off, scratching sounds start coming from the door. With a bit of a groan, I roll out of bed and open the door, letting Kuromaru in. He jumps onto my bed and lies down at the foot of it. I guess he wants to keep me company. Maybe he senses that I'm not feeling too great lately.

I lie back down and close my eyes, trying not to think about anything at all, but I find it hard to blank my mind. Maybe that's why I like to drink so much.

I feel horrible that Naruto had to put his plans on hold to take care of me Saturday night. I feel even worse that he drove me home at six in the morning and I couldn't even invite him in for coffee. I wish he would have just let me take myself home but I guess I understand why he didn't.

My parents were fucking livid. I played it down to Naruto because it's fucking embarrassing. They knew I was drunk, of course, and that pissed them off even more, _of course_. My parents are really against me drinking, which is annoying because everyone else my age does it so it's nearly impossible to avoid. They always just tell me that being drunk makes people 'say things they don't mean.'

My mom said that in the future she just wants me to call them to come get me, and my dad agreed. That way I wouldn't have to be gone the whole night.

I suppose that is better than having to put Naruto out. I don't want to do that again. Plus, he gets nosy. He asks too many questions about things I don't feel like talking about. It would be easier if he just took the hint and stopped prying.

I shift around in bed, rubbing my tired eyes and trying to relax but the more these thoughts cross my mind, the more awake I feel. I know I need sleep, though. Fuck, I just want my mind to quiet down. Just for a fucking hour or two. I want to be asleep when my parents come home so they don't try to ride my ass.

It's frustrating.

Fuck, I hate it. The more I think about how much I hate it, the shittier I feel. A lump starts forming in my throat, but I'm quick to swallow it and sigh.

I pull the covers up and over my face. Kuromaru lets out a yip as he's displaced and repositions himself quickly.

I've thought about taking drugs for it before—for the sleeping issue—the ways some kids at school do. They all get it the same way: they talk to a therapist or family practitioner who refers them to a psychiatrist.

My parents would literally never let me see a therapist. They think everything can be cured with a good diet and regular exercise. It's seriously the only reason I play soccer.

I know the school offers free counselling sessions, but I'm not even sure how I would go about signing up, let alone how I would make time for it.

I wouldn't want people to know about it. I think that would just make things a hell of a lot worse. People would get nosy. They'd ask me why I'm seeing a doctor. Then my parents would get mad. They'd tell me I'm wasting my time and money. They'd tell me to try all these stupid natural remedies that I've already tried. They think they know what's best for me. They've always been that way. They tell me how to live my life and I always listen. That's why they were pissed off about the weekend. It didn't go according to their plan for me. I'm not supposed to get trashed and crash at my friend's house. I'm supposed to behave.

I rub my forehead. God, I'm giving myself a fucking headache.

.

.

When I wake up, the digital clock on my nightstand reads 9:02PM. "Shit," I say aloud. I slept a lot longer than I thought. I don't even remember feeling tired enough to fall asleep, but I guess I did.

Kuromaru is no longer in my room, which means somebody must have come home and let him out. I'm surprised they didn't try to wake me up.

I debate between getting up to find some dinner and hiding out in my room all night doing homework and pretending to be asleep. The second option sounds more appealing but I'm fucking starving.

Finally, I push myself out of bed and slip on a pair of sweats. Maybe I'll be able to get in and out of the kitchen unnoticed.

I open my door quietly and shuffle down the hall, but once I reach the living room I see that my mom is sitting at the dining table going through the mail.

"Welcome to the land of the living!" she chimes at me. "Did you have a nice nap?"

"Yeah," I say. "I was tired."

"I could tell," she responds, "but you better be careful, if you continue to sleep at weird hours then you'll mess up your sleep schedule."

"It's already messed up," I point out.

"Then set a stricter schedule for yourself," she says simply, like it's the easiest task in the fuckin' world.

I don't bother arguing with that. There's not really a point to arguing with her. I've learned that many times in the past, so I've stopped trying. Mom always wins.

I rummage through the fridge and my Mom decides to cut in again with, "You should have a piece of fruit or some toast. You don't need to be putting any crap into your body – especially not this late at night."

I grumble some noncommittal response, but I listen to her nonetheless. I take an apple and bite into it. It's far from satisfying, but I guess it will do.

I make a quick getaway to my room and finish the apple almost as soon as I get there, tossing the leftover core into my rubbish bin. I'm a little surprised my mom didn't insist I take a full meal, but I guess she probably thinks I don't deserve something larger since I slept through the dinner she made.

Sitting down at my desk, I pull a few heavy textbooks out of my bag. I should probably review the assigned reading for microbiology if I want to be able to keep up with the class. I'm hoping that if I start strong that I'll be able to propel myself through the semester.

Not even a minute later, my dad opens my bedroom door. God, I wish he would knock.

"Hey," he says somewhat sternly, "I just wanted to check in on you."

"I'm doing my homework." I grumble back, swivelling around in my desk chair.

"Right, good," he nods. "How are you feeling in light of this weekend?"

I feel fine, but I give him the answer he wants.

"Run down. You and mom were right."

"See?" he immediately starts. "You need to be careful about what you put in your body. You should avoid drinking."

Naturally this is where the conversation goes.

"Everyone drinks, Dad," I point out… and it's true. I'm a college student, for fuck's sake. Everyone at college drinks. Everyone parties. Everyone acts like an idiot sometimes. It's not the end of the world.

"Well, if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you follow them?"

I want to roll my eyes and say that that's completely different, but I refrain. "No." I pause and then add, "I had ONE slip up. It won't happen again."

"I would hope not. Learn from your mistakes, son."

"I do," I insist and my voice wavers slightly. It makes me want to scoff at myself for getting blatantly emotional.

God, I want him to leave. I don't want him to reprimand me anymore. I've had enough of it. I know I fucked up. I don't need my parents to keep reminding me of it.

My dad continues to stand in the doorway and stare at me awkwardly, so finally I just turn my back to him and say coldly, "I really need to study."

"Keep up the hard work," he says in monotone before I hear him turn and walk down the hall.

He didn't bother to close the door behind himself—despite the fact that I made it pretty obvious that I wanted to be left alone—so I walk across the room and shut it for him. I would lock it too if it weren't for the fact that we have literally no locks in this fucking house, not even on the bathroom. It makes me want to pull my god damn hair out.

Two seconds after I get back to my desk, my dad is back.

"You should leave your door open," he tells me with authority.

That's literally the last thing I want to do right now, but I don't feel like starting a fight so I just nod and say, "Sorry, I thought it would help me focus."

"Watch the attitude, Kiba," he says almost like an afterthought. "You're going down a slippery slope lately. We don't want you to start acting like that hooligan friend of yours – Naruto."

"Naruto is a good person," I respond, because it's true. He IS a good person. He's probably the best person I know. He's a way better person than I could ever be… but I can tell my dad doesn't even take what I say into consideration. He has his beliefs and nothing I can say about anything will ever sway what he thinks.

"You should try to meet new people," he tells me, almost like he's offering some sage advice that will be good for me. "Branch out."

"I have a lot of friends," I say. "Naruto just happens to be my best friend."

I know they hate him. They hate him because he's loud and opinionated and isn't afraid to argue with anyone. He is the complete opposite of what they want me to surround myself with.

"Well," he pauses for a moment, "You shouldn't have best friends. It makes others feel unequal and jealous. It's better to spread your time out equally among people."

Ugh. I really don't have time for this.

"Yes, Dad," I try to say as nicely as possible, but I know it comes out bitter, "But it really can't be helped. I just get along with him better."

"Make an effort to get along with other people too." He raises an eyebrow at me. "I'll let you get back to your homework now, but leave your door open. It's rude to close it when other people are home."

Fucking finally. I would rather punch myself in the fucking face than have this conversation keep going. 'Make an effort to get along with other people too.' Jesus Christ. What the fuck does he think I'm doing right now?

"Okay, I will," I say pleasantly, picking up my textbook and waving it at him as confirmation.

.

.

I manage to study for a couple solid hours. My parents go to bed at 11PM and try to tell me I should head to bed, but I decide to keep studying. I'm not quite tired yet. Soon enough, the clock reads 2:57AM, so I force myself to head back to bed. I have a hard time getting to sleep and an even harder time in the morning when it's time to get out of bed. I let out a quiet groan, curling my fingers in my sheets and bringing them under my chin. My eyes will barely stay open. I wish I could skip just ONE day, but I know that would never fly with my parents. They'd lose their minds if I started skipping.

When I manage to force myself out of bed, it's 6:47AM. I jump in the shower, hoping that will help me to wake up.

I feel pretty out of it – like my head gets all fucky sometimes.

I take a really long shower. I always take long showers when I'm tired. Soon, my parents start knocking at the door, telling me to hurry him.

I step out, wrapping myself in a towel and opening the door. My mom is standing there with crossed arms. "You're going to be late. I'll drive you to school today."

"Fine," I say.

"You need a haircut," Mom adds, putting a hand on my head. "It looks a little too shaggy."

"Yeah," is all I respond with, but I have no intention of cutting it any time soon. I head back into my room and get dressed. I throw on sweatpants and a sweatshirt. I don't feel particularly well today.

I fit my books into my backpack and head to the kitchen, where my mom is looking impatient holding her car keys and a lunch she packed for me. Even though the homemade lunches are another one of her 'healthy body, healthy mind' gimmicks, this isn't one I really mind. The school food is nasty and meal plans are as expensive as fuck.

"I'm ready," I tell her.

"About time," she says back. "You'd better hope the traffic isn't bad this morning."

When we get to the car I double check that I have everything I need for the day and then we head out. I'm honestly surprised she doesn't try to make me ride in the fucking backseat.

"Naruto says it's really convenient to live on campus," I say sort of offhandedly, "All he has to do is roll out of bed and he's basically at class already."

My mom gives me an irritated look out of the corner of her eye, "Well, yes, it's fine if that works for Naruto, but it's important that you've been up awhile so you can be alert for your courses."

"I just mean… it seems easier," I try again. "There's less travelling. All you have to do is walk to class."

She lets out a sigh and I can tell she's getting annoyed with me. "Please don't tell me this is something you are considering, Kiba. It's expensive to live on campus. It's important for you to be at home."

I decide to drop it for the time being. Naruto keeps mentioning that I should room with him next year, but I don't know. My parents would never let me, even if I wanted to. Right now, I don't know what I want. I don't know if it'd be better to be in a dorm. I'm always so wishy-washy. Maybe that's why my parents decide everything for me. Then again, maybe I'm wishy-washy BECAUSE they decide everything for me.

I stare out the window, watching the town pass by. Soon enough, we're parked in front of the campus. I mumble a, "Bye," and when I'm about to get out, my mom grabs my arm.

"I'll pick you up after class," she says. "What time are you finished?"

"3:15," I reply.

She nods and lets me go.

When I get to my morning class I fish around in my lunch to look for something I can eat now. I didn't get to eat breakfast yet and on top of the literal singular piece of fruit I had for dinner last night, I'm starving. There's a granola bar, thank god, but it's one of the "all-natural" ones since I guess the regular kind have too much sugar.

The course I have right now is animal science, which always flies by because it's super interesting. All we do is look at photos of domestic animals and learn things about their behaviors and bodies. The reason why it has to be so damn early is because frequently we take field trips out to farms and stuff—they want students to be able to make it back to their other classes on time.

I finish up around ten and head to the coffee cart that's on campus. I always meet Naruto here when we have the Tuesday/Thursday schedule.

When I spot him, he is dressed similarly – sweatpants and a sweatshirt. He has two cups of coffee and when I'm close enough he hands one to me.

"How goes it?" he asks.

"I'm fucking tired," I say.

"Join the club," he snorts. "Hopefully coffee will help."

He starts chattering about some assignment he's working on. He still doesn't know what he wants to do, but I guess it's normal. Most first years don't know what they want to do or they change their mind. I'm lucky I know what I want to do. I always knew. It never really changed.

"Well, hopefully I'll pass," he finishes with a shrug. "Honestly, regardless of what I study it probably won't matter… I doubt I'll use my degree."

"A degree always looks good on a resume," I say. "You have a better chance at a position if you have a degree."

I feel like I'm quoting something my mom probably said to me.

Of course it's true with veterinary science. It's impossible to get the job without at least seven years of education post-high school. I guess I could be a vet tech if things fell through, but that's not really what I'm aiming for.

Naruto gives me a blank look. He probably thinks I'm talking out of my ass. It's probably because I am. I have no fucking idea if his degree will help him. My degree might not even help me.

It's definitely a little disheartening that getting a job is so fucking hard.

Even so, I feel like Naruto is better off than me. He's so self-sufficient and it makes me jealous. I wish I could be so sure of myself the way he is.

I don't know if it's because he lost his parents at a young age or if it's because his aunt and uncle gave him a lot of freedom. It could be a mix of both, I suppose.

"You okay?" he asks me.

"Yeah," I say. "Fine."

He nods his head and I can tell he wants to say more when he opens his mouth again, but then he stops and presses his lips together.

"What is it?" I pry.

"You don't talk about much," he points out. "Everything I know about you is shit I just happened to learn by chance. None of it is stuff you've actually told me. You keep everything to yourself."

The never-fucking-ending story.

I shrug. "So? I have nothing important to say. If I did, then maybe I'd talk, but I don't… so it doesn't matter."

"C'mon, I doubt that's true," he reasons.

"You're just nosy," I retort.

He rolls his eyes. "Whatever, man. Move in with me next year. You're more fun than Sai is."

"Maybe." I click my tongue against the back of my teeth. "I'm not sure my parents would allow it."

"Come on," Naruto insists. "It'll be fun and so inexpensive. The university has subsidized student houses to rent and it's cheap when you have more than one person."

It probably would be fun. Actually, I would really like that.

"I'll talk to them more about it," I relent. "If I tell them some of the positive impacts of it they might be willing to see my side of it."

"About time," Naruto jokes, but I don't think it's funny.

I seriously can't even imagine having my own rental house—what it would be like to be able to go into my room and be left the fuck alone or eat dinner at one in the morning. It sounds a hell of a lot more appealing than where I'm at now.

Sometimes my parents are so suffocating. It takes all of my self-control not to start freaking the fuck out at them. I can't start doing that. If I did, I know things would only get worse. Way worse.

"It will be fun," Naruto says with a sense of finality.

"Yeah, it probably would be," I agree. "It'd be a nice change of scenery."

"Yeah, your parents are strict as fuck," he continues. "I can't imagine that. My aunt and uncle were so chilled out. I mean, they were good parents, but they gave us a lot of freedom to make our own mistakes and then learn from them, y'know?"

"Yeah," I murmur.

I don't really know what that would be like. My parents are too busy making sure I DON'T make any mistakes…. like getting smashed at college parties. That can't ever happen again. Seriously, it can't. I don't know what made me lose control.

"Guess it can be why you're so secretive," Naruto muses aloud. He always says what's on his mind and never uses filters. It makes me want to roll my eyes.

I know that he thinks that if he pressures me enough then I'm going to like, spill the details of my life to him or something, but the truth is I'm just not like that. I won't talk about it because I don't need to talk about it—don't want to talk about it.

There are two types of people. Naruto shares all of his little problems with everybody. He says complaining helps him deal with the stress better, but complaining about my own issues always just makes me hyper focus on them and then I can't seem to let them go. It just becomes even more frustrating when I can't do jack shit about it. Things work out better for me when I just keep my frustrations bottled up and deal with them on my own.

Everyone deals with shit differently and this is how I'm going to deal with my shit, whether or not Naruto thinks it's healthy.

I'm so sick of people thinking they know what's best for me.

"Sorry, man," Naruto adds quickly, probably sensing my irritation.

I shrug it off. "It's fine, don't worry about it."

.

.

Come Friday, I am careful not to overdo it. I've been sipping slowly on a beer, which is something that never happens. Usually I am quick to get drunk, but not tonight. I need my parents to see that it's not going to happen again. Then maybe they will stop bringing it up and just let it go.

"You're not drinking much tonight," Naruto points out, coming up to me.

"Well, I had it rough last weekend," I say vaguely. "I need to take it easy tonight."

"Fair," he responds with a nod. "The last thing you probably want is a repeat of that."

Ugh he has no fucking idea.

I look around the room and can tell that people are slowly getting really fucked up. We're at one of the frat parties tonight—which frankly aren't very hard to get into if you plays sports and know somebody—and they made a cooler worth of jungle juice.

It's not a surprise that everyone is already so trashed considering none of them have any idea how much they're drinking. Even the people who made it probably don't know. Maybe that's why most of the frat members have beers in hand. It's kind of fucked up.

Still, I can't help but feel a little jealous. Everyone seems to be having a fun time.

I don't know if I should even stick around. Being here is just making me want to drink. I feel kind of left out. I can tell Naruto is already a bit drunk. I don't know where he's been for the first part of the night, though. He does some hard core shit, but he always seems to know what his limits are. I used to think I knew my limits, but I slipped up.

"I'm going to go home, I think," I say.

"Already?" Naruto asks, surprised. "It's not even nine yet."

I shrug lazily. "I'm just not in a partying mood tonight."

"I'd offer to drive you home, but…" he trails off.

"It's cool, I'll take the bus," I say.

"You sure?" Naruto asks. "I can dip out for a while with you and we can just bum in my room or something if that might be more fun?"

"Nah," I dismiss the offer. "I'll catch you later."

He holds up a hand and I decide to head out to catch the bus.


	3. Chapter 3: Sasuke

**Sasuke's POV**

When I start to come to I don't even know what time it is or where on earth I am. I squint my eyes to try and determine if it's daylight out, but it feels like someone beat me over the head with a sledgehammer.

Am I really this hung over?

I push myself up into a sitting position on my bed—the bed—no, definitely my bed. Slowly I open my eyes the rest of the way and recognize the pattern of my comforter.

Okay, so I made it back to my room last night. That's good.

I don't remember anything about when or how I got there, just that I feel like absolute garbage now.

I glance around, spotting my clothes scattered on the floor. I must have stripped after getting in last night. Alcohol warms you up. I must've felt too hot.

Everything is blurry, almost like I'm still drunk. I don't even recall drinking that much, though. I try to stand, but my legs shake and a wave of nausea runs over me. I am quick to sink to the floor, grabbing my garbage bin and throwing up in it unceremoniously. I feel my entire body tense and then I vomit again.

Great. Perfect. But at least I don't have a roommate. My parents were quick to ensure I got my own room and the last thing I want is for someone to see me in a state such as this.

I swear, I'm never drinking again. This just isn't worth it.

When I feel like the contents of my stomach have literally been emptied, I crawl back into bed. It hurts to move. I can barely see. It's like none of my body parts are working properly.

I lay here for a while, feeling absolutely awful. This is the worst hangover I've ever had. It might be the worst I've felt in my entire life.

I want to shower because I feel disgusting, but I don't have the energy to get myself there. I cover my eyes with a pillow. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep it off.

.

.

I wake up again after a while but I'm still just as disoriented as before. I still don't know what time it is and my head feels groggy.

I force myself to roll over and look at my alarm clock. It's almost four in the afternoon.

I want to shoot out of bed but I'm completely physically unable to. Instead, I sit up slowly and look at the tiny window of my dorm room. The blinds are closed, that's probably why I was able to sleep for so long.

I feel warm. I wish I had an ice pack or some cold water or something, but I literally cannot leave my room like this. I can barely stand.

I try to look for a bottle of water, but all I can find is a half empty one in my school bag.

It hurts to move. It really hurts. I almost debate on calling someone, but I don't. It would be too shameful. I press the palms of my hands to my eyes, trying to will away the hang over, but it's in vain. The feeling is persistent. I must be getting quite dehydrated by now.

I wonder if my door is locked. I rotate my head to look, and it's not. The deadbolt is twisted the wrong way. It's a little weird because I usually remember to turn it, but I was really messed up on Friday.

Ugh.

It's concerning, but what is most concerning is not remembering a large part of my week.

I try to retrace my steps, but it all goes blank after my first couple drinks. I should have eaten more in the day. I need to stop neglecting my health for the sake of studying.

I start to feel like maybe this isn't a normal hang over. Maybe I'm getting sick too. The flu has been going around campus and I probably shared drinks last night like I do every time I go out.

That's most likely what it is—a mixture of two nasty things making one nastier feeling. Since I threw up, it's probably the stomach flu and I'll be better in the next 24 hours. I just need to wait it out.

I wish I could remember last night, but I have literally no clue what happened. I don't even have a vague idea to try to piece things together from—I'm drawing a complete blank.

I have an essay due on Tuesday that I was planning on working on today, but I guess that won't be happening. I can ask for an extension if I need to, since I never have before, but I would rather not.

I prefer to keep my deadlines. I know that professors understand that life can get in the way, but I don't even have a solid excuse. This is happening because I decided to act like an idiot.

I'll just need to power through my essay tomorrow. I'm sure I'll feel fine enough by then. For now, I'll try to sleep it off.

.

.

The following morning, I still feel like complete garbage. I'd kill for a shower. I want to brush my teeth. I feel disgusting. I reach for my phone. I have messages from Karin, Suigetsu and Jugo asking me where I've been. I don't bother responding to any of that. I set my phone back down and roll onto my back, staring up at the ceiling.

This is annoying.

I feel horrible. Maybe even worse than before. Not physically necessarily, but I just feel really…bad. I can't put my finger on it.

I chalk it up to the fact that I'm going on my third day without washing and second without food. I'm not even hungry though, I still feel queasy. My room smells putrid even though I can tell I've adapted to it a little bit. The vomit still sitting in my waste bin is not helping. I wonder how long it will be until someone in the dorm notices the awful stench and comes knocking at my door to check on me.

I force myself out of bed, putting a house coat on. When it gets a little later in the day, I decide to head to the bathrooms to clean my garbage bin out before things get too disgusting. Lucky for me, the dorms are usually pretty quiet around this time of day. Everyone is in their rooms studying.

When that is taken care of, I debate on trying to shower, but I literally feel like I'm going to drop, so I head back to my room instead. I set the bin back in the corner of my room and lie back down. My phone starts ringing, but I don't answer. I don't want to move.

Sometime later, my door swings open. Fuck, I forgot to lock it again.

Karin is standing there, looking annoyed. "Jeez! I thought you might've been dead or something, but here you are napping!" she exclaims and I can't help but wince at the volume of her voice. She senses this and softens, closing the door behind her as she moves inside. "Hey, what is it?"

I want her to fuck off. I haven't even said a word in days. I try to open my mouth to say something, but I can't. I feel way too out of it.

She hovers over me and for some reason it sets me off. I shove her away.

"What the fuck?" she asks.

"I am sick," I tell her. "I'm also in a bad state and I don't really want any social calls."

"Sorry," she mumbles, "we all just got worried about you since you weren't returning any of our messages. What are you sick with?"

"The flu I think," I tell her plainly.

"Oh," Karin replies, "that sucks."

She stands there for a moment before asking if I need anything. I say it'd be nice to have to something to drink, so she leaves to fill up my water bottle. When she returns I ask her what she remembers from Friday night.

"Nothing too exciting," she admits, "The usual. You were pretty fucked up, though."

"I know, that's part of why I feel so crappy now."

She shakes her head, "No, you were soooo fucked up. It was hard to keep track of you. You were running all around the house."

Great. That sounds nice and humiliating.

"Really?" I sigh out, not looking forward to hearing details.

She nods her head. "You drank a ton. I've never seen you like that before. Me and Suigetsu and Jugo tried to keep tabs on you, but you kind of disappeared... I guess you passed out in here."

"Probably," I whisper. "I don't remember... I know I didn't eat much, though. I should have been more careful."

I'm angry at myself.

I want Karin to fuck off, but I know she is here because she cares, so I don't want to start a fight - especially not when I feel like this.

Karin is frowning. "It'll be okay. You'll be back to normal again soon." She raises a hand, almost like she is going to touch my forehead, but then she stops herself. "Do you remember anything else? It's not like you to get black-out drunk."

I shake my head. "I literally don't remember anything."

She stares at me, looking contemplative. "That's…weird," she says after a moment.

Great. Now I feel insecure as ever. I've never felt this badly before and me not remembering is apparently abnormal for everyone. What the fuck happened that night?

"Think about it," she tells me. "You had a couple drinks and we were all sitting together. Do you remember that?"

I nod.

"Okay, what happened after that?" Karin asks.

I close my eyes and rub my forehead.

"I saw someone I've been with before and went to go talk to them," I say unsurely. "I think maybe it was Ino?"

"Good." Karin nods. "Maybe we should ask Ino if she saw you that night."

"I'd rather not," I grumble.

"Sasuke…" she reasons. "Aren't you curious?"

"Look, you can go ask her if you want, but I'm not going anywhere," I respond tersely. I probably sound pretty short-tempered, because she holds up her hands and leaves it at that

"Want me to get you anything else?"

"More water and pain killers," I say, waving her off.

She sighs, but does what I ask. She leaves and returns some minutes later with what I requested. I force myself to sit up, still feeling headachey. I down two extra strength Tylenols and then drink some water. Fuck, I hope this feeling goes away.

"Thanks," I say. "You can go now."

She scoffs at me and then leaves. I'll probably get an earful when I'm feeling better.

I lie back down and start to replay the events of that night, trying to figure out what lead up to me ending up in my room. What happened in between my first few drinks and me waking up?

I'm almost positive that I went to go talk to someone I'd slept with before. If it wasn't Ino, it was one of the other girls, but I don't exactly feel like going around asking every single one of them.

I think I left whoever I was talking to alone for some reason. Maybe she was already with another guy. I think that's what it was.

Afterwards is still a complete blur. I think I ran into somebody else, but I have no idea who. I think maybe they offered me a drink from what the frat was serving, but I can't be sure.

It's awkward. I want to know who I talked to and what I said. I hope I didn't make a fool of myself.

I worry about that a lot: making a fool of myself. I don't want people to see me in ways I don't allow them to see me. I need to remain perfect. If I don't, it will bring shame to my family.

.

.

The following day, I begin to feel all right. I had to shoot my teacher an email asking for an extension. He agreed to give me one. So, I'll be handing my essay in on Friday.

Late in the evening, I head for the showers. It feels good to finally get clean. I felt vile.

I take a long shower, scrubbing my face, my limbs and everything else as hard as I can. I feel like I need to compensate, I suppose. I just feel filthy and grimy.

When I'm done, I wrap a towel around my waste and brush my teeth. Staring at myself in the mirror is depressing. I look exhausted and ugly. I eye myself for a few minutes after brushing my teeth, trying not to be overly critical of myself. I've been sleeping for days, but I still look and feel tired.

Then I notice bruises. I probably got them when I was trashed on Friday. I have some on my upper arms and forearms and when I turn around I see a big one on my back. I guess that's why I've been sore.

It's a co-ed shower and I spot Sakura Haruno entering when I'm putting my toothbrush away in my bag. "Hey," she greets me. I can tell she's eying the marks, but she remains silent.

I nod at her.

"Been a while since anyone has seen you around," she mentions.

"I had the flu, not that it is any of your business," I decide to say, whether or not it's even the truth. I don't know at this point.

Sakura huffs at me, but doesn't ask any more questions. Good. I don't even want to be looked at right now let alone quizzed.

I head back to my room and this time I lock my door. I really want to be left alone. I still have a raging headache and can't deal with talking to people right now.

I'm pissed off that this is all happening right now at the start of the semester. I don't need something to distract or set me back. All I want is to fucking remember what happened.

I pull on a pair of sweats and a tee, drying my hair with the towel.

Maybe Karin was right. Maybe I should talk to Ino.

I put on socks and slippers and then head into the common room. I don't see Ino, but I see Hinata Hyuga.

"Hinata," I say her name.

She glances at me, looking surprised that I'm talking to her. "Sasuke?"

"Do you know where Ino is?" I ask.

"In our room," Hinata answers. "Want me to walk you there?"

"Sure," I say, since I have no idea where the fuck it is.

She stands up, ditching the group of people she is with to walk me up a few floors and down a hallway. The door is decorated with a flowery sign:

 _Ino and Hinata_ _'_ _s room!_

I probably could've found it on my own after all.

Hinata opens the door and greets Ino, who is sitting on her bed. There is a laptop open in front of her and she glances up, looking surprised to see me standing with her friend. I'm not exactly the kind of person who keeps in touch with flings. Reading the situation, Hinata leaves us alone. I take a step inside, shutting the door behind myself.

"Ino," I greet her.

"Hey," she responds.

I don't want to make this any more awkward than it already is, so I ask her directly. "I was wondering if I talked with you at all Friday night at that frat party?"

She looks a little surprised that I'm there to ask such a simple question. "Yeah," Ino nods, "Towards the start of the night, but not for very long."

"Did you see where I went afterwards?"

Fuck, this is embarrassing.

"Um…" She looks contemplative. "Some guy. I think his name is Zaku? I always see him at the school music events."

"Okay, thanks, Ino." I sigh.

She gives me a concerned look, but I don't stick around to let it sink in or for her to start asking questions. I head back down to my room and fish my phone out of my bed sheets. I'm lucky enough to have Zaku's number in my phone, even though we never talk anymore.

I click his name and it rings a few times before he finally answers. " _Hello?"_ comes his gruff voice.

"Hi," I say. "It's Sasuke."

" _Oh, uh, hey."_

He probably thinks it's weird that I'm calling. We were friends in high school, but not so much now.

Since I'm not in the mood to play tag, I don't ask to meet him. I'll just do this over the phone. "Was I with you on Friday?"

" _For a sec_ ," he says before starting to chortle. " _You were so out of it, man. You didn_ _'_ _t even sound like yourself. Your voice was all high pitched and whiney. It was pretty funny_."

I want to tell him that it's not funny, but I don't. "Okay, well, where did I go afterwards?" I pry.

" _What_ _'_ _s this about?_ _"_

"None of your business," I insist.

" _Well, then maybe I don_ _'_ _t know the answer._ _"_

God, what a dick.

"I got black-out drunk," I decide to tell him. "I just want to make sure I didn't make a fool out of myself."

" _I saw you with that loud, blond kid we went to grade school with_ ," Zaku decides to say.

I pause. "Naruto…?"

" _Yeah, I think that_ _'_ _s his name._ _"_

What a wild goose chase this is turning into. This isn't what I signed up for.

"Thanks," I tell him, and then I hang up the phone. I don't really care to talk any further especially if he's just going to be a dick.

I barely know Naruto, so I don't know why I was approaching him. I don't even have any of his contact info, so I decide to text Karin for it. She's going to ask me what it's about, which I don't want to answer. I don't want to think that I could have possibly tried anything weird with Naruto—he's the biggest loudmouth on campus. Since I was so messed up, maybe I thought he was someone else—that's the only feasible explanation really.

Karin texts me back a few minutes later, giving me her cousin's digits and then asking me why I want them. I don't respond. I simply click on the numbers and send Naruto a message stating my name and purpose for contacting him.

I feel like I'm waiting too long for him to respond, so I decide to wander around a bit and see if I can spot him in the common room. He hangs around there a lot. He seems social.

No such luck, though. When I'm making my way back to my room, my phone starts ringing in my pocket. Great. Naruto has decided to call me back. I clear my throat and then answer with a simple, "Hello?"

" _Yo, Uchiha_ ," he greets. " _I really hate texting when I have more than a few words to say, so I thought I_ _'_ _d call._ _"_

"I don't like phone calls," I decide to respond.

" _Well, I don_ _'_ _t feel like texting_ ," he dismisses. " _I'_ _m bad at it. I can come find you instead, if yah want? Are you in your room?_ _"_

"For fuck's sake, just tell me what I want to know," I say. He's starting to stress me out.

" _Seriously let_ _'_ _s just meet in your room or you can come upstairs since you hate phone calls so much_ ," Naruto insists.

Jesus christ. What the fuck does he need to tell me?

"Fine," I hiss. "My room."

So, I give him the room number.

" _Great!_ _"_ I hear the other line click as Naruto hangs up.

I stick my phone in my pocket and start heading back up to the second floor. If I have to do this with him, I want to be on my own turf at least.

When I get there, Naruto is already waiting and looking eager. Ugh.

He backs out of the way as I unlock my door and we both head inside.

"So, you want to know if we talked on Friday?" he reaffirms, sitting down on my bed. I wish he wouldn't. I don't like people touching my stuff.

I nod, but don't give him any further details.

"Well… you can say we talked," he continues.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"You know, you have a dirty, little mouth," he points out offhandedly.

"I don't give a fuck. Get on with the story."

"You were trashed as hell," he continues. "You tried to throw yourself at me, but I wasn't about to take advantage of you – no matter how much you wanted it."

I gape at him, unable to say a fucking word.

Then he cracks a smile and stars to laugh. "I'm KIDDING! Nothing like that happened."

Before I can help myself I stomp towards him and shove him. He falls back onto my mattress, still giggling to himself like he just told the funniest joke in the fucking world.

"I can't stand you," I conclude.

"You don't even know me," he retorts, sitting up.

"And you've just made the worst impression."

"C'mon, it was a joke," he argues.

"Get on with the fucking story, _Uzumaki_ ," I spit. "And make sure it's the real one this time."

"Okay okay," he relents, "I'll admit you were acting kind of weird though."

"How?" I ask sternly.

"You had a hard time talking and you sounded fucked up-really slurry." Naruto shrugs. "You seemed fucking smashed and kept asking for Karin or Jugo. I was a little worried you might pass out. I tried to text Karin to come find you but I didn't even get to send the message before you took off."

"I just asked for Karin and Jugo?" I eye him wearily. It doesn't seem like it could be the whole truth.

"You seemed like you felt really off." Naruto leans back on my bed. "I wasn't sure if you just accidentally drank way too much and were feeling upset about it. It happens to the best of us." He pauses and then adds, "Kiba had a rough night a couple weekends ago, too. Don't feel bad."

"I was hung over for three fucking days," I murmur. I don't know what makes me say it. I guess I feel desperate. I want him to fish his empty head for whatever else he might've seen or heard from me.

Three days seems ridiculous. Not to mention the fact that I still feel like crap. I don't know how long it will take for me to feel a hundred percent again.

Fuck, why do I always need to learn things the hard way?

"Hm…" Nauto muses. "I guess that can happen if you literally ate no food and drank no water during the day. The alcohol must've hit you like a bag of bricks."

"I guess."

I feel really disheartened. I'm not getting anywhere. Maybe I really am just sick and this is all for nothing. Probably no one even saw me go home.

"Wait," Naruto says with a start, "I do remember seeing you a little before I left."

I look at him expectantly, waiting for him to continue.

"You were hanging off someone who didn't look like a freshman. I think he was a junior or senior but I haven't really seen him around before," he says finally.

I just stare at him. I don't know how to make heads or tails of a piece of information like that. I don't know anyone older at this school yet.

"What did he look like?" I ask, trying to sound apathetic. I don't want him to start making assumptions about me or my sexuality. Those things are private things that the general public doesn't know about and I want to keep it that way.

Naruto shrugs and shakes his head. "I don't know, man. Pretty generic. I probably wouldn't even recognize him if I saw him again. Brown hair. Brown eyes. A bit of a beard. Kind of douchey. Not especially attractive. He was probably a frat brother."

"Gross," I mutter before I can help it.

Naruto tilts an eyebrow.

"And I was 'hanging off' him?" I pry.

He nods. "You were pretty out of it. Maybe he was helping you or something. I'm not sure."

I don't know why he would be. He would have no reason to—we aren't friends.

"Okay," I say firmly. "Thanks for your help."

I'm trying to mask my concern, and I think it's working. Naruto doesn't seem overly suspicious.

I nod my head towards the door, but he doesn't take the hint.

"You can go now," I tell him finally.

Naruto gives me a huffy look but I don't care. I'm not trying to impress him. I could care less if he thinks I'm mean, I would rather that than him think I'm weak. Besides, he's Karin's cousin and she can shut him up if necessary.

Eventually he gives in and leaves without another word, pulling the heavy door shut behind him.

I let out a breath, putting a palm over my forehead. That night is still a big, gaping hole in my mind and it's like the more I try to think about it, the less sure I become.

.

.

When I stop thinking so hard about it, I begin to get flashes – little pieces of Friday night coming back to me. I see myself grab Naruto's arm and give him a shake, asking him if he saw where Karin went. It's not important and it's nothing Naruto didn't already reveal to me, but it's something at least.

Maybe pieces will continue to come back. All I can do is hope so. I want to put that night to rest and I can't do it until I know exactly what happened.

I try to work on my essay that is due at the end of the week. The research is a welcome distraction from the constant state of panic I've been in since last weekend.

.

.

On Tuesday I see Karin. I tell her that I talked to Ino and that it didn't really get me anywhere—just a dead end to Zaku and Naruto.

"That's why you wanted Naruto's number," she says thoughtfully. "Why didn't you ever get back to me?"

"I got busy," I tell her, and it's only kind of a lie.

Karin gives me an uneasy look. I can tell she's bothered by the fact that I'm still stuck on this. Frankly, I am too.

Wednesday I remember my conversations with Zaku and Ino. Well, partial conversations anyway. I don't really know what I said to them.

Before then, I think I was with Karin and the others, but I'm unsure. My connection between my time with my friends and my time with Ino seems fuzzy.

It's annoying me. I hate being out of the loop - especially when it comes to anything involving myself. It's driving me up the damn wall. I just want to be assured that I didn't say or do anything stupid. I probably didn't if Karin, Ino, Zaku and Naruto didn't bring it up, but it is still making me wary.

I don't ever want to drink again. At this rate, I probably won't for a while. I don't want something like this happening again. If I don't know how I got here then it could happen again.

I need to remember something that explains what happened just before I got to my room. Who was I with? Some guy? What a vague answer. If he helped me, then I should thank him. I just wish I knew who the fuck it was. The campus is so huge I doubt I'll ever know, though. I feel like I'm shit out of luck.

When I wake up Thursday morning I go to take a shower. The bruise on my back is still dark while the others are starting to fade to a greenish-purple. They're kind of hard to look at so I try not to linger in front of the mirror for too long.

I'm washing my hair when I remember what I was doing before I ran into Ino—I went to get another drink.

Someone had pre-poured from the cooler into solo cups that were set out on the plastic fold-out table they use at all the frat parties. When I came up looking for more I was handed a cup off the table. I just took it—I didn't think about it. I was already drunk.

I guess that is a stupid idea. I wasn't being smart. I wasn't being safe. I took the drink and who the hell knows what was in it? Probably something bad to get me that fucked up.

This is bad. I keep feeling worse and worse about my situation. I want to remember something that will offer me relief, but everything seems to make me worry more.

I took the drink… and obviously I drank it because look what happened.

I close my eyes for a minute, trying to replay the parts I remember. I was led back to my room by a guy who was bigger than me. It must've been the guy Naruto was talking about. I can't remember his face, but I remember being in my room. I fall to the floor as soon as the guy let go of me. I barely felt anything. I was too drunk, I guess.

I remember… being naked on my bed at some point after that… and my face was pressed into my sheets. Then I felt a hand, but I couldn't move.

I feel my chest tighten.


	4. Chapter 4: Naruto

**Naruto's POV**

Sasuke's missing from Introduction to Business on Friday, which is weird because he was there Wednesday and seemed to feel fine. It's also not like him to miss classes at all and he's already been gone twice this week.

I wonder if he's just having trouble beating that flu. It does seem like a few people on campus have it.

I frankly still can't believe he got a hold of me to talk about last weekend. That was fucking strange. He never talks to me and all of a sudden this is what I get? A random text message from a number I don't even recognize saying it's Sasuke and that he got so blackout drunk he needs help retracing his steps? Seemed oddly forward of him if you ask me.

He seems secretive. Even Karin says she doesn't know that much about him and they're best friends. Her, Jugo, Suigetsu and Sasuke are like peas in a pod. I wonder if he keeps everything on the inside. It must be hard to be that kind of person. Kiba could probably relate.

I don't know why Sasuke cares about what happened while he was blacked out. I've blacked out a few times and never did anything too stupid. That part always comes in the morning when you start hurling everywhere.

He was pretty far gone, though. I never expected him to get that trashed. First Kiba, now Sasuke. At least Kiba remembers what happened the night he got fucked up, though.

I wonder if I should check on him or if that would piss him off. We're not really friends, so maybe I would be overstepping… especially because he's such an asshole to me for no reason. Karin says he's just like that, though.

I wish Kiba had stuck around that night. Then Sasuke would have run into both of us and I would have someone to back me up. I guess it was good he didn't stay out though because he seemed slightly better rested this week.

Class finally comes to an end and I decide to text Sasuke.

" _Didn_ _'_ _t see you in class! Did you ever find out more about last weekend!_ _"_ I type out and hit send before even packing up my books.

"Whatcha' doing?" Kiba asks, briefly glancing over my shoulder as he stands up from his desk.

"And you're always calling me nosey," I joke.

Kiba rolls his eyes but doesn't try to look again, so I just tell him.

"Just asking Sasuke where he was today."

"Since when are you and Sasuke friends?" Kiba gives me a disgruntled look. He gets along with Sasuke maybe even more poorly than I do.

"He had a rough night on the weekend and doesn't remember anything," I explain. "He came to me the other day asking if I saw him around. I couldn't tell him much."

"What a fucking idiot," Kiba mutters. "He shouldn't have drunk so much."

I want to roll my eyes at that, but I don't. Instead, I simply remind him, "You got pretty trashed recently, too. It happens to the best of us."

"I didn't black out, though," he mutters, defending himself.

"Fair enough," I relent with a shrug, "but shit happens. He clearly didn't intend to get that fucked."

Kiba doesn't respond. I can tell he doesn't really give a rat's ass. He never got along with Sasuke and he probably never will.

We leave the classroom and head to the dining hall. Kiba waits outside while I swipe in and grab a couple of slices of pizza. He doesn't have a meal plan and they always check at the door, so we tend to eat in my room on days we have the same break in classes.

When we get back to the dorms my room is empty. It's no surprise. Sai never leaves the art building basically. All his classes are there and when he does manage to make time for lunch he just takes it right back to the studio.

Kiba and I sit on the floor since I don't have a table and the desk is only big enough for one person.

He pulls out a sandwich and several pieces of spotless fruit. Ugh, I should have grabbed some fruit. The pizza's good but what he's eating looks better. Not gonna lie, I'm a little jealous of his homemade lunches.

"So, you worried about Sasuke or something?" Kiba pries.

"Well, I don't know," I admit. "It's just weird for him to miss class, right?"

Kiba shrugs. "Who cares, though? You're not his friend. He's not your friend."

"I just want to make sure he's okay," I admit.

"You're too fucking nice," Kiba mumbles.

"Well, you're not nice enough," I retort.

He gives me an annoyed look but doesn't say anything else. He's pretty quiet today. Kind of moody, too. I'd ask him what's wrong, but he probably wouldn't give me much of an answer. He never does.

"So, what's been new?" I pry.

He shrugs again. "Nothing of interest. You?"

I shrug as well and then say, "Same."

Then for some reason Gaara springs to mind and I decide to tell Kiba what I did with him. Maybe that will get a rise out of him.

"I let a guy suck my dick a little while ago."

Kiba raises an eyebrow at that. "What the fuck?"

"It wasn't my most shining moment," I chuckle, "But it actually wasn't bad."

It wasn't great either, but eh.

"Who was it?" Kiba asks cautiously. I wonder if he thinks it was Sasuke.

"Some guy I had never met before," I admit, "His name was Gaara."

"Gaara with the red hair?" He looks surprised. "That guy is fucking intense. When did it happen?"

"Two weeks ago while you were throwing up in the dorm bathroom," I admit sheepishly.

Kiba puts his hand to his forehead. "Ugh dude, are you kidding me? Did you taking care of me interrupt it?"

"Not really." I shrug. "I was pretty fucked up too and we had already finished before Sai came in and told me to go find you."

"I'm really sorry about that by the way," Kiba mumbles, fiddling with the sticker on his apple.

"Don't sweat it." I laugh.

"So, are you gay?"

"I don't know what I am," I admit.

"It'd be funny if you ended up being gay... 'cause Sakura is a lesbian," he says with a snort.

I wrinkle my nose and then shrug. "He told me where his room is and said I could come by if I wanted to screw around some more."

Kiba tilts an eyebrow. "Are you gonna?"

"Probably," I admit. "I've been thinking about it more and more."

Kiba gives a long and slow nod, kind of like he is processing it all. At least he isn't being a dick. Honestly, sometimes he acts mildly homophobic, so I wasn't really sure.

"Well..." he finally responds, "I guess it is nice that you have some sort of outlet."

"That is one way to put it, I guess," I say.

"You're not gonna get all attached to Gaara though are you?" Kiba asks sounding mildly concerned.

"Um," I pause, "I'm not really planning on that."

"Good, I've heard he's not the friendliest." He nods, but then quietly adds, "Plus, I don't know, guys do fucked up stuff sometimes."

"Aw, are you a little jealous?" I joke in an attempt to lighten the mood. I'm not intimidated by Gaara nor am I particularly invested.

Kiba looks annoyed but doesn't add anything else. I know he's trying to look out for me but seriously it's no big deal. Who knows if Gaara and I will ever even do anything together again—it's not like I see him around campus every day. I seriously have to seek him out.

I'd really need to be in the mood for it since it is such a hassle.

"Glad that's out in the open!" I say. I hate keeping secrets and this one was getting annoying.

Kiba snorts again. "Feel better, then?"

"Oh, yeah."

I check my phone to see if Sasuke responded, though I doubt it. I click on his name and see that he read my message but he didn't respond. How rude, but not exactly shocking coming from him.

"Sasuke ignored me," I murmur.

"What a shock," Kiba says sarcastically. "Did you actually think he'd respond?"

"No," I admit.

Kiba waves a hand dismissively. "Just forget about it. Who cares? He's not your problem."

It still bums me out. I'd like to know what was happening. I guess it's not my business but it kind of is if you take into account the fact that I'm the last person he knew he talked to. Karin might have more information so I'll have to ask her, but she'll probably just tell me to fuck off.

Either way, Kiba's right. There's no point in worrying about it right now if Sasuke is going to just blatantly ignore me. It's pretty brutal that he leaves his read receipts on.

"I have class," Kiba tells me suddenly and I glance over at the clock.

His lunch period is short so that he doesn't have to stay on campus for long, but my schedule is all spread out because it doesn't really make a difference. I still have about hours until my next course.

"Okay," I say. "I'll walk you there."

"Fucking fruitloop," he teases me, but I walk him nonetheless.

I really hope he decides to live with me next year. I think it would be good for him. I'm not trying to act like I know what is best for him or anything, but I think he just needs some experience living away from his parents. They need to let him breathe. They seem so strict. I'd never survive in a household like that.

If Kiba doesn't catch a break he will never learn how to be independent since his parents literally do everything for him - cooking, cleaning... whatever else there is.

"Catch yah later," I say once we reach the door to his classroom.

"What? No kiss goodbye?" he jokes.

I roll my eyes and nudge him before walking back to my dorm.

When I get back, I lay down on my bed. I feel kind of shitty and I know it's because I want an upper. I try not to take it during the week, but I guess the week's almost over so it wouldn't be that bad of me.

I get up and head to my dresser. I always keep things tucked away in the same place—my sock drawer—so it only takes me a second to find what I'm looking for.

I pull out the baggie of white powder but there isn't really much left. Ugh. I forgot that I was running low last time. It just means I have to buy more soon which is a pain because it's fucking expensive as hell.

My dealer is a frat brother and a total jackass. I don't care, though. There's only one thing I want from him and it's definitely not a social call.

I'll need to text him later.

I dip my dorm key into the baggy and gather as much as I can onto the tip before bringing it to my nose and snorting it. I squeeze my nose with my thumb and index finger, trying to get rid of the residual feeling. Yuck. That is one thing I hate... Plus the damn drips.

I lie down on my bed, soaking up the feeling for a while before deciding to text Jirobo. I tell him I am out and he gives me a time and place to meet him in a bit. I decide to head to the common room until then. I spot Gaara sitting in his usual spot by himself. I debate on pretending not to notice him, but I don't. Instead I hold up a hand, waving to him as I walk over.

Kiba is right about one thing - this guy is intense.

"How's it going?" I ask as I get closer, "I haven't seen you around in a while."

"Why would you have?" he says plainly. "You didn't come by."

Jeez, harsh. I wonder if that was a jab or just a statement of fact. Either way, it came off strong.

"Uh, yeah, sorry." I laugh awkwardly. "I've been busy."

"It's fine if you didn't want to," Gaara continues. "You were under no obligation to."

"I've just been thinking it all over," I decided to tell him after a moment of awkward silence. "I have a lot on my mind."

He keeps staring at me, saying nothing.

"I told my friend Kiba about what happened." I fiddle with a loose thread on my sleeve, awkwardly trying to fill the lag in conversation. "You know, the one I had to go get who was throwing up downstairs while we were hooking up? I wanted to tell someone so I told him."

Gaara gives a nonchalant shrug of the shoulder and says, "That's fine. I don't care who you tell."

Does this guy care about ANYTHING? Jeez.

"Are you sure?" I urge.

He stares at me and it feels like he's staring right through me. "Yes. I'm sure. I don't care what people think about me, so you can say whatever."

"All right," I relent.

"But it's good that you talk to people," he adds, almost like an afterthought.

It makes me wonder if he has people to talk to. Hopefully he does. Everyone needs an ear every so often.

I see him around with people sometimes, but I don't know if they are his friends or if they are just people he studies with.

"Yeah, it is," I agree.

It's a little weird. I guess I don't really care what people think about me all that much either. I wouldn't want someone spreading lies about me but as for peoples' responses to things I actually do—it isn't really a big deal.

I was happy that Kiba took what happened with Gaara well though; it'd have been a bummer if he was a huge ass about it. I'm not sure who else I would have told. Maybe Karin…or maybe Sakura. Sakura probably would be been ecstatic. It was hard for her to tell me that she wanted to date women and she would be excited to know that I understood what she was going through.

"I'll see you around." I give Gaara a little wave. "I've got things to do."

I head down the hall and into the gymnasium in, heading for the locker rooms. I meet with Jirobo and we do our exchange. Business. Whatever yah wanna call it. It is unceremonious and stress-free. With that, I head back to my room to put it in my drawer. I do a bit of work, feeling better about having something on me. It almost feels like a safety blanket, as fucked up as that sounds. Cocaine is comfort to me. I guess that probably isn't healthy, but I'm just being honest.

I am okay, though. Mostly. I don't have issues like Kiba and Sasuke appear to. I'm not stifled.

Speaking of Sasuke- I wish that asshole would answer me. I'd be satisfied with knowing he's all right and not freaking out about it still. It's no use dwelling on nights like that. Sometimes the pieces never come back. Honestly, sometimes I think that is a good thing. Sometimes it sucks remembering what an idiot you acted like. I know if I remembered all my black outs I would probably want to shoot myself.

Sasuke, on the other hand, is paranoid. He's always had a stick up his ass about the way people see him. Even his best friends seem at a loss for how to treat him sometimes. I wouldn't be surprised if he tracks down every last person he talked to that night.

It's a little uncomfortable thinking I may be the last person he's able to trace it to. I wish I had been able to give him more details about who he went to afterwards but I was also totally trashed. I just hope he either figures out who it was or lets the whole thing go.

I start packing up my bag because it's about time for my next class. It's a writing intensive—all the students are required to take it their first year— "prepares them to succeed in college" or some bullshit.

I hate writing. A lot. I'm bad at it and I always have been. I don't think my skill will get any better than where it is now. I don't really have any interest in it, either. I am more into hands-on work and writing is just boring to me.

That's why I wasn't really psyched about college. I knew there would be more writing. More reading. More dull shit.

I TRY to try in my classes, but sometimes I just feel content with skating by as an average student. Or below average, I guess.

I don't know what the fuck I even want to study. I don't know what I want to do after I graduate. I don't know. But I guess a lot of other students are in a similar position. It's hard to make a decision.

I try not to think too hard about my future. It just seems bleak.

I head out of my dorm and I sit in class, listening as the professor begins the lecture.

The course is painfully dull as always. They're trying to teach us about avoiding use of the passive voice but I don't even understand what that is. They assign us a short paper that we're supposed to run through some special online grammar checking program. Ugh. By the end I just feel even more stupid.

Class doesn't finish until five and by the time it does I'm pretty fucking hungry. I head to the dining hall and scarf a few plates of poorly made curry then start back towards my room. I'm lucky that everything on this campus is so close together—it's easy to get around.

I'm in the stairwell between the second and third floor when I run into Sasuke. He looks exhausted and disgruntled as fuck to see me.

"Hey," I say awkwardly as he attempts to shuffle past me.

He ignores me, so I follow him and grab his shoulder. He shakes me off, turning around and shoving me away. "What?" he asks, sounding sharp.

Snappy bitch.

"I was just saying hi," I point out, mirroring his snarky tone.

He's wearing pyjama pants and a t-shirt. He crosses his arms and eyes me. "Well, don't."

"What the fuck is your deal?" I ask, getting irritated. "I haven't seen you all week. No one has."

"I'm sick," he points out tersely. "Not that it's any of your fucking business."

He looks livid and completely on edge and I have no idea why.

"Hey, did you ever find out what happened that night?" I decide to pry.

His jaw tightens. "No. I have no idea."

That's probably why he's so fucking pissy. I bet he's embarrassed.

"I think you were worried for nothing," I tell him in an attempt to be reassuring, "I'll let you know if I can remember anything else about what you said or were doing last night."

I don't know why I'm offering to help. Maybe I feel a little bad that I was the last one to see him.

"That's fine," Sasuke says tersely. "I'm not thinking about that anymore. It was a whole week ago and it's not a big deal."

Jeez, well he could have fooled me.

"That seems out of character for you," I joke.

Sasuke doesn't respond. Instead he just rolls his eyes. "Well, you don't know me very well, then, do you?"

I shrug. "Well, I'd know you if you let me know you."

He looks totally disinterested. He probably thinks I'm hitting on him or something, but I'm not. I just want him to stop acting like such an ass. I don't even know why this is bugging me. I'm just used to being liked by everyone I meet and he clearly doesn't like me. I don't feel like I gave him any reason for him to be acting like such a dick, so I can't let it go.

"No thanks," he says to me.

I shrug. "Your loss, then. I'm good company."

"Doubt it. You're just full of shit. I hate people like that."

Jeez, OUCH. This guy can't say one nice thing.

"Why the fuck does Karin hang around you?" I hiss.

Sasuke shrugs. "Why the hell would I know? She just kind of does."

"You don't have to be such an asshole all of the time."

"How long is it going to take for you to realize that I don't care what you have to say to me?" he replies firmly and turns to leave.

It takes every ounce of self-control I have not to punch him in the back of his stupid fucking stuck-up head and send him falling down the flight of stairs.

This guy really pushes my buttons. He's such a little bitch for literally no reason. I can hardly stand it.

I think he needs a serious reality check if he thinks he can just go around treating people like shit at the bottom of his sneaker. Getting huffy, I turn away and head to my room. Fuck this shit. Fuck him. He can suck my dick, for all I care.

In my room, I decide to throw on some comfier clothes and do a little bit of reading for my coursework. I don't get too much done since I'm beginning to feel pretty tired already. After reading a few chapters, I decide that that's enough for one night.

Sai isn't around, of course. He's probably going to be in the studio all night or he's probably sleeping at someone elses' place. Whatever, though. I could use some alone time, so I don't really mind.

I open my laptop and watch some shit on Netflix for the rest of the night before turning in early.


	5. Chapter 5: Sasuke

**Sasuke's POV**

The second I wake up on Saturday morning my conversation with Naruto is still running through my head. He seriously needs to just leave me alone.

I've been trying not to think about what happened last weekend but people keep reminding me. I wish I hadn't asked around—then there would be no one to check in on me. I would have just remembered it on my own eventually, or not at all.

Naruto texted me yesterday and I deleted the message. I knew what he'd be asking and I didn't feel like giving him an answer.

I didn't go to classes yesterday, which is unlike me. I feel sort of guilty about it.

I emailed my essay to my professor and told him I was still sick, which isn't a complete lie. I still feel like garbage.

I don't know what to do. I didn't think anything like this would ever happen to me and not knowing who did it is making me really paranoid. I feel so distrusting of everyone I come into contact with.

It's shameful. The entire night is too shameful to ever talk about. I can't believe I let something like this happen to me. I completely lost control. I'm an idiot. I probably deserved this. I shouldn't even be surprised or upset by it, but I can't help it. It was a violation. The thought of being touched makes me want to throw up now. I don't know how long it will be like this.

I'm not even angry – not generally, at least. I'm only angry at myself. The rest of it just makes me feel numb.

I sit up in bed and put my palms to my eyes. Why didn't he just ask me instead of doing this? I would have said yes… I always say yes.

Anyone who knows me well enough to want to hook up with me knows that I'll sleep with just about everyone. The fact that they didn't just ask makes me feel like a randomized target, like they didn't have any idea of who I was or any intention before that night. Then again, maybe they wanted to do it without my permission? Ugh. That's too disgusting to think about. I feel sick to my stomach.

I didn't make any plans today. I just want to lie in bed. I wish I could go out and distract myself but I feel too uncomfortable leaving my room even though this is where it happened. I just feel like everybody knows like there's this big red stamp on my forehead. Even though I know it's unlikely, I can't help but wonder if this sicko is off somewhere bragging about it.

I don't know. I don't know what kind of person he is. He could be the type to brag… or maybe laugh it off. Maybe he thinks it's funny. I don't think it's funny, though. Thinking too hard about it just makes my chest hurt, but I can't stop. Every time my mind begins to drift, those little bits and pieces come floating to the surface. I can't catch a fucking break. I feel like I can barely breathe.

I hike my blankets up under my chin and close my eyes. Every time I feel a lump start to rise in my throat, I swallow. If I start whining about it now, then I'll probably never get over it. I just need to get myself together. I'll go back to class next week. I'll apologize to the professors for missing so much work. I'll play catch up. It'll be fine.

I just wish I knew who it was so I could avoid them…or confront them or something. I feel so uncomfortable thinking that maybe they're in one of my classes. I doubt they are, since I mostly have first-year courses, but it's possible. I don't know everyone in my classes. Maybe he's been watching me. Maybe he knows I've been missing this week.

I wonder if he thinks he got away with it or if he knew I would remember. I wish I could know why. It'd make me feel better—having an explanation.

Even so, he might never give me one. He might not have one. I don't have any proof so it's not like I could blackmail anyone.

I don't know if I would confront him even if I could. It would probably just get thrown in my face. I can't win. I'd probably just shut down completely. I think most people would. It's too humiliating.

I don't know if it's better that I found out. Sometimes I think it would be better if I never remembered. Then I'd just wonder. It's not like knowing what happens changes a fucking thing anyway. All I gained is the knowledge that someone did this to me.

I don't want anyone to ever find out about it. A confrontation would mean that people would find out and we all know how campus rape is dealt with. To put it simply: it's not. It's not dealt with at all.

Hopefully I'm his first and last target because no one deserves to feel the way I feel right now.

I want to kill him.

I wonder if I could.

By now, the bruises are pretty well faded. He probably used a condom and if he didn't then I'm sure whatever proof was there is probably gone. Not that I would have gone to the hospital. It's too embarrassing.

Our school should have some sort of system in place to keep stuff like this from happening. Maybe there is one but I just don't know about it. Maybe that system is just a standard warning of "don't drink or go home with people you don't know." That would be just my luck.

I roll over onto my side. Even though the bruises are healing there's still pain in my back. I think it must be psychological but I have no way of knowing. If it persists I might need to talk to a doctor. I'll just say I slipped and hit my shoulder on a bed frame or something.

I feel like I should have known this whole mess would happen to me at some point. I'm always putting myself in stupid situations, and it's easier to be mad at myself then at some guy I don't know and could never recognize.

I don't know why the fuck he had to be so rough with me. He already had me totally incapacitated. The rest seems totally unnecessary. Unless the bruises were my own fault. I guess I can't know for sure

I rub my forehead, feeling tense. I physically cannot bring myself to get out of bed.

At some point, there is a knock at the door. It startles me and makes me weary as to who it may be. Nonetheless, like hell I'm answering that. I ignore, but the knocking persists. It's probably one of my friends. They all have the capacity to be annoying as fuck.

"What?" I finally snap. "Who the fuck is it?"

"Karin!" a voice shouts back.

Fucking GREAT.

"I'm sick!" I call.

"Liar! You're probably better by now. Let me in!"

It's locked, so I have to get up. I roll out from under the covers and slowly shuffle towards the door.

"Jesus Christ, where the fuck have you been?" she says angrily when I finally let her in. "Where the hell did you disappear to?"

Karin's so used to me going out with her every Friday night at this point that even one day of me missing is noticeable.

"I told you, I'm sick," I reiterate, but she doesn't look convinced.

"Then you need to go to the health center." She marches past me and sits down at my desk. "If you've been sick with the flu for a whole damn week then you probably have something way worse like mono."

"So I have mono." I shrug

"Do you?"

"Maybe," I lie.

I can tell she knows I'm lying. By now, I can read her pretty easily. I think she can read me, too, which makes this all the more stressful. I'll need to come up with a better lie if I want her to leave me the fuck alone. The last thing I want is for her to bring Jugo and Suigetsu in here for some sort of stupid intervention.

"Be honest," she says firmly, crossing one leg over the other and letting it bob up and down impatiently.

"I am," I insist, sounding flat. It's a conscious effort to keep my voice even-toned.

"Lieeeee," she sing-songs. "Whatever. Take your time spitting out the truth. I'll wait right here."

Fucking annoying.

I decide to ignore her, so I lie back in bed, burrowing under the covers and leaving my back to her.

She sits there quietly for a while. It makes me uncomfortable. I wish she would stop watching me.

"What's up with you lately?" she asks softly after what seems like forever. "Jugo, Suigetsu, and I are all worried. We know you like your space but you haven't been yourself lately. This is excessive."

I don't reply. I just want her to leave. I don't want to talk or think about this right now. I don't care if I'm being weird. They're my friends—aren't they supposed to understand when I just want to be left alone?

"You just seem so off," Karin continues, "Is this about last weekend? You've been so weird since then and it's kind of freaking me out."

I angrily throw the covers off and get out of bed, grabbing her by her upper arms and forcing her to stand. She looks startled, but I don't give a fuck. I'm going to lose my shit if she keeps prying like this. I force her towards the door, swinging it open and shoving her out. She starts shrieking at me. I can tell she's pissed off at the rough and rude treatment, but I don't have time to deal with this. I close the door and then lock it for good measure.

She bangs on my door a few times, but I don't care. She can bang on it all she wants. I'm not going to answer it this time.

I sit on my bed, up against my pillow. Drawing my legs to my chest, I rest my chin on my knees.

She'll be back later. She'll bring Jugo and Suigetsu. Suigetsu will get really annoying. He's the worst sometimes.

I need to get dressed. I need to get my shit together. I need to go out this weekend. I need to go to school on Monday. I need people to see me. If they see me, they'll stop asking questions and they'll know I'm okay.

I'm fucking mad. This is not how my college experience was supposed to go.

I get out of bed and go to my dresser. I put on a pair of jeans and a button-up, and then I pull a sweater over my head.

I grab my shower caddy off my desk and head to the bathroom, where I brush my hair and wash my face. I use the hottest water possible but I still feel greasy.

I pat my face dry with a clean towel and stare into the mirror. I look a little better. Better enough.

Grabbing my things I head back to my room, but when I get there Karin, Jugo and Suigetsu are standing outside looking irritated.

Jesus christ, Karin must have not even left the building to be back so fast. She just called the other two and they came right over.

"I'm FINE!" I shout at them, tossing my shit back into my room. My voice sounds shrieky, even to my own ears. I'm probably pretty flushed. I feel it. Then again, it could be from rubbing my face raw over the sink.

Karin's jaw drops at my less than calm display and Suigetsu looks humoured. He snorts back a laugh and says, "If you say so."

Jugo remains silent. He always does. He only speaks when he feels like something really needs to be said. I'm glad he's shutting the fuck up right now. He just looks thoughtful, like he's trying to pick at the situation and put together what the hell is going on. Good luck with that.

"I say so," I insist with a sense of finality.

Suigetsu rolls his eyes and I want to punch him in the fucking face.

"I'm just run down," I hiss. "You guys are pissing me off."

"We're not idiots, Sasuke," Karin persists. "Are you mad at us? If you are we could all sit down and have a discussion about it like fucking adults but instead you're just locking yourself up in the dorms."

"It's been literally one day. So what?"

I'm seething. I want them the fuck out of my room. I absolutely cannot deal with this right now.

"So that's weird for you," Karin retorts.

"Yeah, Sasuke, stop being such a little bitch and tell us what's up," Suigetsu chimes in.

I seriously want to strangle him. I might if they don't fuck off.

"Nothing is up, you fucking cunt!" I spit out in a shrill tone, pointing to the door. "Get the fuck out of my room."

This is probably not the reaction I should be giving them. I want to calm the fuck down, but I literally cannot.

I'd try to physically push them all out, but Suigetsu is probably a bit stronger than I am and Jugo is definitely stronger.

Karin's jaw drops. "Fine," she murmurs. "I can see we aren't going to win here." She grabs Suigetsu by the arm, dragging him out.

I let out a breath as I watch them leave. Jugo lingers for a moment. I open my mouth and as I'm about to tell him to fuck off, I stop myself. He's looking at me with pity. I don't like it. "What?" I ask.

"If you wanna talk…" he murmurs, trailing off.

I scoff. "Yeah, whatever."

With that, he leaves.

Finally. Fuck.

I don't wait even one second before stripping out of my jeans and putting sweats back on. I don't bother taking off my sweater before crawling back into bed though. I don't care and it's too much effort.

I just want to be left alone. I just want to sleep.

.

.

Three hours pass and I never come even close to nodding off. It's not that I'm not tired—I am—it's that I can't fucking stop replaying last weekend in my head.

I don't even know exactly what happened, so I this point I'm basically making things up as I go. Filling in the blanks.

I left Karin and the others. I went to get another drink. Someone drugged me—which must have been why I felt halfway in my fucking grave the next day. I guess he took me to my room. Then he took my clothes off. Then he pushed me face first into my bed. Then he fucked me. It sounds so fucking unceremonious when I lay it out like that. Maybe it sounds that way because I was never given a chance to protest, to say no, to tell him to fuck off and stop touching me.

God, how many people saw him walking me to my room? They probably thought he was helping me. Well, he wasn't. He was doing the opposite.

I feel like it should have hurt, but I don't recall any pain. It's just the bruises that hurt… plus the knowledge of what happened. That hurts, too.

My phone starts to ring, but I don't answer it.

I don't want to talk to anyone. I want people to stop trying to contact me.

Soon the ringing stops, but about ten minutes later it starts again. Seriously, why? Why won't anyone leave me the fuck alone?

I kick my covers off my body and grab my phone off the nightstand. I check the caller ID and it reads "Itachi."

I hit accept and hold the phone to my ear, angrily asking, "What?"

" _Sasuke_ ," I hear my brother's voice come through the line. " _How are you?_ _"_

"Fine," I tell him, trying to sound collected. "Sorry, you caught me at a bad time."

" _That_ _'_ _s fine_ ," Itachi says. " _Your friend Karin sent me a message saying you were acting strangely. Is everything alright?_ _"_

Ugh. Of course Karin is trying to involve my family. Why the fuck is she so hell bent on ruining my life?

"She's just upset because I'm mad at her," I explain. "It's nothing more than that."

" _Why are you mad at her?_ _"_ he asks.

"Because I'm sick and she won't leave me alone."

" _You_ _'_ _re sick?_ _"_ he pries and then I realize that that was probably the wrong thing to say. " _With that? Do you need me to come and get you? I can take you to our clinician. Ours is probably better than the on campus doctor._ _"_

"No," I say. "It's nothing serious. I'll be fine. I just need to sleep it off for a bit."

" _Do you want me to drop by?_ _"_

"No," I respond.

" _Are you sure? I can bring medicine. If you spend too much time in bed, then you_ _'_ _ll neglect your schoolwork._ _"_

"It's fine, Itachi."

" _All right. Feel better._ _"_

"Thanks," I say again before hanging up the phone.

He probably won't call back. He seemed satisfied enough with the answers I was giving him.

.

.

On Sunday I force myself to go to the library. I want people to see me. I want them to know I'm okay so they'll stop acting like I'm not.

It takes me two hours to get ready because halfway through getting dressed I feel a weight on my chest so crushing that I have to sit down immediately. I don't move for a while. I think if I do I might throw up.

When I finally make it out of my room and across campus it's almost 1 PM.

I set up my books and computer at one of desks near the entrance to the library. I want everyone who comes in and out to see that I'm here.

I try to get through my schoolwork, but concentrating is difficult. Every time someone passes me, I can't resist the impulse to look up, identify them, and wonder if they're the disgusting creep who fucked around with me.

Brown hair. That's what Naruto said. So many people have brown hair, though. I can't just be wary and scared of every brown haired guy. Naruto's best friend has brown hair for fuck's sake and I see that asshole all the time. This is stupid. I know it's stupid. Well, it feels stupid, at least. I feel stupid.

I stare down at my books and then up at the computer screen. I reread over everything I've written and it sounds like total shit, but for some reason I just don't give a damn. If I were in my right state of mind, I'm sure I would, but right now I just want to finish my work so I can go back to my room. There are too many people around and I'm getting uncomfortable.

I write for a while longer and then I give in. I can't take it anymore so I retreat to my room. I'll finish the rest of my work tomorrow. I have time.

I do have to go to classes tomorrow though, which is fucking stressful. Naruto is in my first class and I'm sure he'll have his eyes glued to me after our talk on Friday.

I wonder if he told his friend about me. If he has, I wonder who else he's told. Naruto's never been particularly good at keeping his big loud mouth shut.

I'm in a tough position. I know he'll keep bothering me unless I come up with something to tell him. I don't know why me being sick doesn't seem to be working on anyone.

It's like everyone is under the impression that I can't get sick. Well, that's a crock of shit.

.

.

On Monday, I roll out of bed late. I ditch my sweatpants for a pair of jeans, but I keep the sweatshirt I slept in on. I grab my shit and head to class, taking my time. I don't want to arrive before Naruto. If I do, he'll aim straight for me when he enters the classroom. I enter the classroom with seconds to spare and take my seat. I hear Naruto garbling to Kiba about something pointless. The professor is writing some shit on the board. When he finishes, he turns around and clears his throat. The classroom quiets and the lesson begins.

I open my notebook and try to take notes, but I keep zoning out and thinking about how much I don't want to be here.

I feel like everyone is staring at me. It's horrible.

What if that guy is in the class?

He wouldn't be, it's an intro course.

But it's possible if he's taking it to fulfill a general education requirement.

Probably not. Why would anyone take this class for fun?

I continue to struggle with my internal monologue while our professor tries to teach us things that are likely important and will likely be on the midterm. I can't seem to fucking think straight.

Finally, class comes to an end. Essays are passed back and I almost don't want to turn mine over when it gets placed face down on my desk.

Finally, I build up the courage and look.

D.

I've never gotten a D in my entire fucking life.

Scribbled next to the grade is a little note that says " _Come to my office hours!_ _"_ with a little smiley face. At least my professor is trying to be nice about it. Jesus Christ. I want to die.

I leave the classroom quickly, heading for the bathroom. I feel nauseous. I shove the essay into my bag and debate on whether or not I should go to Kakashi's office today or tomorrow. Well, I suppose I should get it over with…

I don't want my brother to find out I got a D. He'd tell my parents and I would never hear the end of it. They'd never let me forget about it.

I sit in the stall on the far left and try to calm down. Honestly, I'm not even surprised by the grade. I half expected it, but I'm still upset.

I don't know how long I'm sitting here, but when I no longer feel like puking, I stand up and decide to head to the top floor of the building where all the offices are. I walk until I reach a door with a sign that reads _Dr. Kakashi Hatake_.

I sigh, knocking on the door.

"Come in!" I hear.

So, I do.

Kakashi looks a little surprised to see me so soon. I don't know why I would waste time in coming to talk to him—it's not like I have anything else going on.

"Sasuke," he greets me.

I nod and sit down across from him. I pull out my essay and set it down on his desk.

"The surprising thing about this is that it was excellent up until the end," he begins, picking it up and flipping through the pages, "But in your conclusion you just sort of gave up. It's very unlike you. Did you get sick of the topic?"

"No," I sigh, "I wrote the majority of it before I got sick and once I needed to as for the extension I just didn't feel well enough to focus."

Kakashi nods his head and then says, "Well, you know you could have asked for a longer extension."

"I wanted to get it over with," I admit. "I didn't want to keep asking for more time. I felt bad enough asking for one extension."

"Things get in the way," Kakashi respond simply. "That's life. You shouldn't feel bad asking for a little longer – especially if it will bring out your best work. This… was far from your best work." A pause. "Do you want me to give this back to you so you can fix it?" He holds up my essay and the D glares at me.

"No. I don't know…"

Kakashi nods again, setting the essay back down on his desk. "You have another essay coming up. Do you think you will be okay to tackle it?"

"Yeah," I say. "I'm better now."

What shit. I still feel like crap. I still feel like fucking killing myself.

Maybe I should take the essay back and rework it—but I don't want to keep focusing on that. I need to let that week of my life go and move forward.

"Alright." Kakashi finally says, "If it's just that you were sick this time around then I'm confident that you'll do well enough on the next essay for this one to not effect your final grade too drastically."

That's a relief. My parents always want to see my reports at the end of the semester. I would feel so embarrassed handing them anything with less than an A on it, especially from an intro-level course.

"Thank you for the option," I tell Kakashi, "But I think I'd rather let this one go and just give you my best work the next time around."

"I understand," he says simply and I can tell he thinks I should still take the essay and redo it, but I don't want to

"Thank you."

"Are you sure there is nothing else going on?" he pries. "University can be overwhelming."

"I was just sick," I say, trying not to sound annoyed. "Everything else is fine. I will do better next time."

Kakashi nods and then says, "All right. Take care."

"Thanks," I murmur, taking my essay and leaving.

God, that was humiliating.

I head to my dorm room since I have time before my next course. When I'm inside, I lock the door and go over my essay. There are a lot of red marks. It makes me feel pretty bad about myself. I need to try harder next time. I can't get lazy. Then everyone will start asking me what's wrong. I don't want any more professors prying into my life.

I put the essay away before I start getting too in my own head about what I could have changed. I have other assignments to be working on and my focus needs to be there.

I should be thankful I didn't miss any calculus last week because it would have been impossible to catch up without going to the math resource center. I have that class as part of my Tuesday/Thursday schedule and I made it there both days.

I can't let myself fall behind. In high school I could have gotten away with this but college is different. It's not usually particularly difficult for me but that's only because I'm so good at managing my time and don't let myself get overwhelmed.

Pulling out the textbook and sitting down at my desk, I try to get a jump start on the rest of the week.


	6. Chapter 6: Kiba

**Kiba's POV**

Time continues to fly by. Soon, it's March. Everything feels monotonous. That is probably why the time is going by so fast. I do the same thing most days. I feel like I should get a job, but I don't think I would be able to handle school and work – especially considering how demanding my courses are

Naruto keeps nagging me about living with him next year. I haven't mentioned it to my parents again, but I want to. It's just hard to try and find the right moment. I don't want them telling me that I wouldn't be able to handle moving out. I know that's what they think, but I don't want to hear them say it.

Naruto thinks it's unnatural how strict and overprotective they are, but I don't see what is so weird about it. Then again, maybe it's because I'm used to it. I grew up with it. This is all I really know. I don't like it, but I'm used to it.

Naruto is different. His parents died and his aunt and uncle raised him. They were fucking lax. He gets to do whatever he wants. Maybe that is why he chose to do cocaine. I don't fucking know. I don't get it. I'd never do shit like that. Cocaine is fucking gnarly.

I told him it bothered me once and he just told me not to worry, but I know that shit's bad for you and he does it all the time. It's kind of concerning.

Midterms are soon but so is spring break. I can't fucking wait. Maybe Naruto and I can do something fun for once like go on a road trip. I wouldn't mind getting the hell away from my parents for a few days.

Sasuke hasn't been around much and Naruto keeps bringing it up. The whole thing is fucking annoying because it's obvious that Sasuke is just having a bad semester and I don't really care why. Naruto can't seem to let it go, though. Every time Sasuke misses class he points it out and goes on about it all damn day.

Sasuke is probably just getting overwhelmed. Mr. Perfect isn't so perfect, after all. Maybe he got a bad mark and now he's getting pissy.

Well, either way, it's not my damn problem. It has nothing to do with me so I don't give a fuck. Naruto should stop stressing out about it, too. He needs to learn to let things go. It's not like Sasuke would talk to him, even if something was going on. He's totally closed off. He has like three friends and I doubt he even lets them in. It's pretty depressing, but people don't change at the drop of the hat. Naruto needs to get it through his thick head that Sasuke isn't going to do a complete 360 and start talking to him.

After yet another day of class, I head to the parking lot and find my car. Getting into the driver's seat, I make my way home.

When I finally get back to the house I'm surprised to see that my mother is already home and cooking dinner. I usually beat her back by at least a few hours.

"Hey," I say as I enter the kitchen, "Did you have a good day?"

"Hello Kiba," she welcomes me. "I had a fine day. What about you?"

I give her the basic, meaningless answer that I usually do. I'm not too keen on her being aware of my every move throughout the day even though I know that's what she wants.

"You're home early," I point out. "Slow day at work or something?"

"No," she replies, "I took off early."

"Oh, why?"

I'm not trying to sound like a jerk, but I do like having the house to myself after classes.

"The family is coming over for dinner tonight," she says with a smile.

It takes me a minute to process that and all that it entails. I don't know why the fuck she is smiling. She knows that I'm going to get upset.

"Oh," is all I come up with.

She gives me a look – a look that says I should try harder.

I feel like fucking throwing up. I literally feel sick to my stomach. "Can I just stay in my room?" I ask.

She shakes her head. "Your relatives will want to see you, Kiba. You know that. You can't just lock yourself away forever."

"Mom, I really don't –" I start, sounding desperate as fuck, but she cuts me off.

"Kiba," she says my name again, almost like it's a warning.

I stand up from the table where I'm sitting without another word and head for my room. My mom doesn't try to stop me. She knows that I'm pissed. I just need time to emotionally prepare myself for going through literal hell because for some reason my own mother insists on fucking me over constantly.

They don't deserve to see me. I don't care what they want. What I want is to get the fuck out of here. I should honestly go back to campus and eat dinner with Naruto.

It takes every ounce of self-control I have not to slam my door behind me. If I did someone would just come running from the other side of the house to reopen it and yell at me.

The whole thing's fucking stupid—I should be allowed to close my own damn bedroom door.

I lie in my room and sulk for what feels like hours. The doorbell rings and I feel about a hundred times worse, if that's even possible. My head gets cloudy and I feel beyond anxious.

For a while, I don't budge an inch. Soon, I hear my mom shout my name, but I still don't move. Footsteps make their way up the stairs and my dad appears in my room.

"Get downstairs," he says. "We have company and you're being rude."

I mumble some noncommittal response before sitting up in my bed. My dad waits for me until I follow him out and downstairs. We head into the kitchen and I see my uncle Gaku with his wife and their stupid son.

Gaku is my dad's brother and him and his family come over all the fucking time. I wish they wouldn't but I guess him and my dad are close or whatever. I'm not always home when they're here, but this time I didn't have enough warning to make other plans.

I say hello and sit down at the kitchen table. I only speak when spoken to and try not to look at my cousin. Even as I avoid his gaze I can feel his eyes boring holes into my skull.

As our parents chat he comes and sits down across from me.

"Long time, no see," he says, raising an eyebrow.

I wish I could reach forward and punch him in his stupid fucking face.

Hiro is a couple years older than I am. He just finished college but is just as much of a douchebag as ever.

"Kiba, it's good to see you!" My aunt walks over and inserts herself awkwardly. Hiro sneers at me.

Gross.

"Uh huh," I respond moodily, putting an elbow on the table and resting my chin in my palm.

My mother eyes me from across the room, silently demanding that I stop acting so sour. Families are supposed to be fucked up and dysfunctional, right? But mine is on a whole other level.

I don't want to be here. I can't bring myself to be happy and friendly – especially not now. I feel too on edge. Hiro is staring at me still, eyes narrowing my way. He looks mad. I don't even know why.

"Nice to see you, too," I correct myself. The words are hard to get out and they feel fake as fuck because I just don't mean them.

"How is school?" she asks, trying to make conversation.

"Fine," I say simply. I just want them to leave me alone. I can sit here in silence, but I hate when they try to force me to talk.

It's not like they even actually care. It's all small talk. Stuff to pass the time. I can tell they feel just as awkward as I do.

"I'll be right back," I say uncomfortably, pretending like I have to get something from my room and making a speedy exit.

When I get back upstairs I sit down on my bed and take a few deep breaths. I'm trying to calm down. I'll freak the fuck out if I don't take a second and let myself relax.

Just as I'm started to feel a little more collected, Hiro's head appears in my doorway.

"Why'd you run off?" he asks.

"Please, go away," I reply sternly without missing a beat.

Our parents aren't around. I don't have to pretend to be nice to him. God I hate the look he has on his stupid face.

He looks humoured, like he thinks this is such a funny game.

He takes a step into my room, glancing around. "Hasn't changed much since we were kids."

I point to the door. "Get the fuck out."

"Rude," he says to me. "That's no way to talk to your cousin. We're family. We're supposed to be nice to each other."

I scoff at that. "Funny," I say shakily. "You've been shit to me my whole life."

He's mean. He's always been mean – worse than mean – and I fucking hate him for it.

"God," he laughs. "Why do you sound so fucking scared?"

It's probably because I AM scared, but I don't say that. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he broke me this easily.

"I'm not," I lie. "I'm angry."

Hiro rolls his eyes. What a fucking bastard. I wish I could kick him out but there's literally nothing I can do. I'm completely powerless and it feels horrible.

"Boys," my mom interrupts, entering my room from the hallway, "It's time for dinner."

She looks testy so I choose not to say anything. I get up and walk past Hiro, trying to come off tough and intimidating.

He watches as I leave and I can tell he sees right through me.

"Don't disappear like that," my mom whispers when we reach the stairwell.

Hiro doesn't follow immediately and it bugs me out a little to think he's hanging out in my room rifling through my shit. God I wish we had locks. I wish we had locks more than anything. I can't even shit in peace.

I sit back down at the table. Hiro shows up a couple minutes later. My mom places trays of food on the table and everyone starts filling their plates. I don't feel that hungry, but I know I should eat. I haven't had much today.

Mom made beef curry with rice, which is one of my favourite meals… but I can't really enjoy it. Eh. Maybe there will be leftovers or something.

I listen to everyone chat mindlessly about things I don't really care about. My uncle asks me about what courses I'm taking. I tell him about a few of them and then my dad tells everyone that I'm studying to be a veterinarian.

"Ah, just like Hana!" Gaku says.

"Yeah," I murmur.

I miss my sister and sometimes it makes me feel bitter that she left me all alone here. Hana is six years older than me and doesn't put up with bullshit. That's why she didn't stick around.

Well, that and the fact that she just turned 25. I guess it's normal for her to be off building her own life. She has a full-time job and a boyfriend none of us have even met. I just feel like it wouldn't kill her to come around more often. I would like to see her.

She and Hiro used to be friends when we were younger. Then they stopped hanging out—probably because he's the fucking worst. I sometimes can't believe my aunt and uncle raised a kid like that.

I push my food around on my plate and try to tune everyone out.

I eat slow, not really making much of an effort to get anything down. I still feel pretty uneasy and I don't want to get sick or something later.

After everyone is finished eating, desert is brought out. I pick at that as well.

Everyone seems so oblivious to the way I feel. Or maybe they just don't care.

When dinner is finally over, everyone moves into the living room. I try to go upstairs, but my mom spots me and doesn't let me. So, I sit between my parents on the three-seater sofa. I remain quiet, not really listening to what everyone is talking about. I stare down at the rug in the center of the room, but I can feel Hiro staring daggers at me. That asshole just loves to torment me.

I just try to tune him out, staring at my mother as she and my aunt banter back and forth about how much more work they'll be able to get done now that spring is around the corner. It's nervous garbage that doesn't mean anything. They exchange recipes and gardening techniques but that hardly constitutes a real relationship.

I watch Hiro warily out of the corner of my eye but he still hasn't let up. He can tell he's getting under my skin. Jesus Christ someone else has to be noticing this—I wish I could say something but it would just start a fight which is the last thing I need.

If I had the fucking guts I would look straight back, but he intimidates me too damn much.

I hate admitting that, but it's true. There's way too much bad blood… and I was always on the ass-end of every situation. I don't really like to talk about it because it makes me feel so fucking lame.

I swallow when I feel my throat start to tighten. I keep staring at the carpet. I feel clammy, so I decide to momentarily excuse myself.

"Where are you going?" my mom pries.

"To piss…" I say crudely.

She looks annoyed that I'd say that, but what the fuck did she expect me to respond with?

So, I leave the room and turn down the hallway until I reach the bathroom. I slip inside and flip down the toilet seat lid, sitting on it. I take my phone out of my pocket, checking for messages.

Naruto's been pestering me for my business class notes. I'm not sure why he wants mine because I doubt they're much better than his own. I guess he's trying to compile a study guide or something for the midterm.

Ugh. I should probably start on that.

I flip through my college email for a while and try to get myself caught up on any messages from my professors. It's mostly junk mail but there are a couple important updates about cancelled class dates and changed assignments for the week.

After a few minutes I stand up and stare at myself in the mirror. I feel groggy and tried as fuck. I hate when I get like this. My whole day has been such a load of crap.

A firm knock on the door brings me back to reality.

Fucking hell why can't everyone leave me alone for one god damn second?

"What?" I snap.

Then the door swings open and my mom is standing there.

"I could have had my pants down, yah know!" I tell her.

"I changed your diapers, Kiba," she points out flatly. "Get back in the living room. Stop hiding."

"I hate days like this," I seethe, standing up and pocketing my phone.

"Stop with the attitude," she says. I can tell she's getting annoyed. She just wants things to be perfect even though that is basically fucking impossible at this point.

I follow her back into the living room and sit back down. I cross my arms, leaning back against the sofa and staring at nothing in particular. I let myself zone out, trying not to pay attention to anything.

What feels like hours later, my uncle says, "Well, we ought to head home."

Fucking finally!

We all stand up and walk towards the door so our parents can say their goodbyes.

Hiro doesn't say jack shit but it doesn't matter. He's still staring at me and I know what he's thinking.

As soon as they're out the door my dad sighs heavily and leaves the room. I know this is exhausting for him, too. Pretending. I don't give a fuck though. Maybe he should just fucking stop inviting them over. It wouldn't be that hard. They wouldn't be missed.

"Kiba," my mom says sternly before I have the chance to walk away. I can tell she's trying not to snap. "You need to work on keeping yourself in check."

I want to spin around and scream at her that I of all people have the right to be mad—that her being upset is just a by-product of her own fucking mistakes and how she's dealt with literally everything wrong for my entire life.

"It makes me feel _bad_ , you know!" I exclaim shakily, getting riled up. I feel like everything I've been feeling over the last few hours is so ready to come out. It's all pent up. "I hate when you invite them over!"

"That is no one's intention," she responds sternly. "You know that."

I feel like I've lost. I always lose. She refuses to see my point of view. She refuses to understand why this is as hard as it is for me.

"Yeah," is all I say. The word comes out quietly. I want to throw a fit. I want to scream or cry or something. Fuck.

I turn away and head upstairs, flopping face-first into my bed. I hope my parents leave me alone for the rest of the day. I need time to myself. I turn my head to the side and let out a long breath.

Everyone in this house is so fake. Me, included.

I don't move from my bed for what feels like hours. My eyes are closed and I'm just trying to black everything out.

I hate everything about this. My skin is prickling and I wish I could crawl out of my own fucking body and light the old one on fire or something.

No one tries to come and talk to me but I hear my dad walk past my room a few times. He's checking in, probably to make sure I don't try to fucking kill myself.

I'm 90% sure that's why we don't have locks on any of the doors—although there's about a million other nasty reasons why it has to be that way.

I know my parents think I'm unstable. They think I have no coping skills but that's seriously only because they never helped me develop any.

I've never seen a doctor. I probably should, though, right? I have so many unresolved issues, but the idea of facing them freaks me the fuck out.

I don't think my parents would want me to see a doctor. Then we'd all be admitting that I'm severely unhinged. They aren't ready to do that. Neither am I, to be honest. I can say it in my head, but doing something about it is something else completely.

Plus, I can't talk about it. I really can't. No one likes revisiting shitty parts of their life. I feel like if I did the dam in my head would bust apart and I'd never stop crying about it. This is just easier. I do okay, I think. I get decent marks. I try hard in school. My past experiences don't take away from that.

Maybe if I move in with Naruto, I'll stop getting reminded of all this crap that's built up. I'll finally be able to move on. My parents won't be breathing down my neck anymore so it will all just go away. Plus I'll NEVER have to see Hiro again if I don't want to. If I'm never around our parents can't force us to interact anymore.

I hear my dad's footsteps pass by again, but this time he hesitates in the doorway.

"I'm fine," I say through gritted teeth after a moment of him watching me, "I just want to be left alone."

He doesn't reply, but after a few second he walks away.

I can appreciate that he's trying to be there for me, but this is not the way to do it.

The numb feeling always takes over. It's probably because I haven't let myself blow up in a while. It's been years, actually. I can't even remember the last time I cried. I often feel like crying, but nothing ever comes out. I don't know why.

.

.

At school the following week, I remember to give Naruto my business notes at the start of class. I made photocopies for him since I'll need mine to study soon enough.

"They're not going to be of much use," I tell him.

He shrugs. "They're still probably better than mine. Mine are total shit. I can hardly read my writing."

I snort back a laugh. "Well, good luck reading mine. It's probably just as bad."

He smiles, leafing through the pages. "Nah, it's legible." He glances up and grins at me. "Thanks!"

"Sure," I respond with a careless shrug.

It's really no problem. Some people guard their notes carefully because they feel like if everyone in the class does well then there won't be a grading curve. I don't care about stuff like that though. It's Business 101 and I'm not that cunning. You either do well or you don't.

Sasuke is present today, thank god. Now I won't have to listen to Naruto awkwardly talk about it all day.

Naruto has such a boner for him. I don't care but it's fucking annoying to listen to.

Sasuke's missed a shit ton of class this semester. Maybe he hates this particular course or maybe he's just crashing and burning in general. I wonder if he has accommodations through the student service center. You're allowed to miss more class if you get a note from a doctor that says you have anxiety or something.

I don't know why Naruto is all the sudden obsessed with Sasuke. Sasuke is the biggest douche in the world.

He keeps denying his obsession, but it's so fucking obvious. Naruto is watching him. It's probably the fact that Naruto has a hero complex. He wants everyone to be happy. It bugs him when people are unhappy and then he tries to fix it, even though he can't. You can't fix people – especially when they aren't willing to accept help. People need to be ready for it; otherwise it's all in vain. Naruto would call me a pessimist for it – and maybe I am a pessimist – but I'm also being realistic.

You can't save people. It's stupid to think otherwise. You're just setting yourself up for disappointment, for failure, for a slap in the fucking face.

Honestly, if Sasuke needs to miss this much fucking class because of some crisis he's having, Naruto is not even close to being on his level.

Naruto is not good at understanding other people's problems. He tries his best but his plan of action tends to just be 'get over it.'

No matter which way you cut it that just doesn't work for everyone.

The professor goes over study points for the midterm which is happening in the next class. Naruto's eyes are still glued to Sasuke.

Ugh. Maybe he should try paying attention and then he wouldn't need my notes.

It's inevitable that he's going to end up wanting to study with me. It's kind of annoying but I guess it technically does help me to have to basically reteach the material.

I think Naruto has some sort of hard-on for justice but it gets warped sometimes. He thinks he knows what is best for people. It's a messed up way to think.

I glance at him again. He keeps eying Sasuke for a few moments but then he catches me staring at him and he stops, giving me a sheepish smile. I must look annoyed or something.

Naruto fiddles with his pencil, scribbling down a few notes. His papers are sloppy. I can barely read what it says. I guess he was right when he said his writing was total shit.

I stare down at my own notes. They're not much better, but at least I can read what I put down.

I want to do well on my exams. I hate studying, but I've been good this year. My marks are decent, too.

High school was hard for me. I'm pretty lucky I even got to go to college. It's not that I wasn't trying; I just had a difficult time getting my shit together.

My parents were always on my ass about school but it didn't help anything. I couldn't focus. I didn't want to do anything but that wasn't an option so instead I played soccer. I got pretty good at it. That's actually where I know Naruto from, but I always avoided him as a kid. He pissed me off. I think I was just jealous.

The fact that I was always fucking up in high school is pretty funny considering that I'm on the veterinary track now. It's definitely not easy. I'd like to think my parents are proud but we'll have to see if I can keep up with the workload. I might need to consider something else.

I really want to do this. My sister is a veterinarian, too. I guess it kind of looks like I am following in her footsteps, but it's not that. I am doing this because I want to do this.

I haven't seen Hana in a while. I don't think she even knows what I'm studying. She'd know if she came back to see me more, but she doesn't. I haven't seen her in nearly a year - before I started college.

She just gets sick of the bullshit that our family seems to attract. I don't blame her for it, but I really miss her. I feel like she is the only one who never tried to fuck me over. Then again, she is kind of fucking me over now by refusing to ever visit. She never attends family dinners. It's like she wants to keep a distance.

Maybe it's childish, but I kind of hate that she somehow managed to make this whole situation about her. Everyone's always so bummed out that she doesn't come around.

My parents were only ever controlling with me. I guess Hana didn't need it. She did well in school and made well-kept, appropriate friends.

I know she disagreed with how overbearing mom and dad were, although she never said anything to them. She told me once when I was in eighth grade and she was starting college to not let it get to me. Pfft. It was just about the most useless advice ever.

That's probably why it pisses me off so much that she refuses to visit. She had a perfectly normal childhood—she has nothing to run away from. I feel like she's just fucking avoiding me.

Maybe she is. People like to avoid things that they don't know how to deal with. People get awkward. They fumble out their words.

If she said sorry, I'd forgive her. I think it would make me feel better. I get why she left, but I still want her to acknowledge that she could be doing better at keeping in touch.

It's not like I don't try, but it feels so one sided. Her replies are rushed when we text. Maybe she just feels bad. I don't know. It's hard to keep trying with someone when they're not letting you get anywhere. It's pointless. I should just stop, but it makes me feel lonely.

I don't have that many close friends, to be honest. I have friends, sure, but none I am especially close with. Just Naruto.

I even have a hard time talking with Naruto. He's supportive about everyday kind of shit but I can't begin imagine how he would deal with all the shit that goes on in my life. He wouldn't even know what to say. I can see the whole scenario playing out already. It's a giant fucking mess.

I've found that it's better not to let anyone get involved. Having people sticking their nose in my business wouldn't change a damn thing anyway.

Finally class comes to an end and I start to pack up my notebooks.

It's time for lunch but I'm not hungry. I just feel kind of sick. I get so in my own head about all this shit sometimes.

Naruto drags me to the caf and we get coffee. He gets me a sandwich, even though I tell him I'm not hungry. We go back to his room, going over each other's study notes for a bit. His are total shit, to be honest. Mine are way better, though that isn't saying much.

"Dude, what the fuck?" I say, scanning through his awful writing.

He just laughs. "I can't write tidy notes, man. My writing gets sloppy when I need to keep up with a lecturer."

Fair enough, I guess, but he should at least make sure he can read what he is writing later on.

"Are you going to be okay for exams?" I ask him.

He shrugs. "Probably. I just need to pass. I don't care about getting A's."

"I need to get A's," I murmur. "Or at least B's. I want to do well."

"You are," he says. "All your marks have been good this year."

He's right. I just get paranoid about it. I feel like I'm letting myself down when I get bad grades.

"Are you excited for spring break?" Naruto asks.

It's just like him to see right past midterms and keep his eye on the prize.

"I am." I nod. "I was thinking we should go do something since we have the whole week off."

"Like what?"

I shrug. "I don't know. Whatever really. I didn't really have a specific idea. I just wanted to get out."

"Get away from your parents you mean." Naruto laughs with a mouth full of sandwich. I'm a little surprised he doesn't choke.

I chuckle and nod. I guess he's right after all.

"A lot of people are staying on campus over break since it's sort of a pain to go home for just one week," he tells me, taking another bite of his lunch. "You could always come stay in my dorm and we could just get really fucked up for a few days. I'm sure there will be lots of parties."

I hate to admit it but that does sound fun. I doubt it would ever fly with my parents though.

"I don't know if I can just disappear like that for a week," I admit.

"Just make up an excuse," Naruto instructs.

I wish it were that easy.

Maybe they will let me if I slightly fib about where I'm going to be. If they know I'm going to be with Naruto then they'll never let me go.

"Come on," he urges. "At least ask."

"I will," I say, though I'm not sure how.

"You need to be on your own for a while," he continues. "They're too protective. They didn't even let you go on any overnight field trips when we were in grade school."

"I know," I mumble.

I feel like I missed out on a lot growing up. I always had to hear about it from my friends, who never really made me feel better about it. They just insisted that I missed out on a fun time. I hated that it was always rubbed in my face like that.

It's frustrating, but I can't do much about it until I finally have control of my own life and that won't happen until I am away from my parents for good.

"Tell them you have something vet related," Naruto suggests. "They're all obsessed with what you're doing in school so I'm sure they'll let you go if you say it's important for you to go in order to pass."

"That's no good. They know all the vet curriculum from when my sister went through it. They'll know she never did an overnight thing." I sigh.

"So say it's new," he persists. "Your sister is five years older. Classes change. It wouldn't be that weird to say that now there's a new vet clinic you're required to put overnight hours in at. Say you want to do it over spring break so that it doesn't conflict with the rest of your classes."

"They'll just wonder why I'm not home during the day then."

Naruto rolls his eyes. "You're just full of excuses aren't you? Tell them that you went home when they were still at work. Pop in once every two days. It's not hard to come up with something."

He doesn't fucking get it, but I guess I can't blame him for it. He just doesn't get it. I mean, how could he?

"I'll try," I tell him, wanting him to just drop it and leave it alone.

"Even if you can't stay here for a week, at least try for a few days," he suggests.

"That might be doable," I say, though I don't want to make any promises. I don't want him to get disappointed if I have to bail last minute because my fucking parents get suspicious.

Regardless of what I say, they will probably be at least somewhat suspicious. I know they will be texting me a lot, wanting to know what I am doing all hours of the day.

It's annoying. Fucking annoying.

"Good!" Naruto says. "It'll be fun."

"I have to go to the library," I tell him, wrapping up my mostly untouched lunch. "I want to study for the business midterm."

"Okay," Naruto nods, "I'll catch up with you later then—and seriously, talk to you parents about all this shit."

"I will, I will," I say dismissively. I'll get around to it. Jesus fucking Christ. He needs to stop hassling me.

I leave the dorm and walk across campus. The library is crowded with people who have the same obligations to study as I me, but after a few minutes I manage to find an open table.

I set down my books and spread out my notes. This course has so much fucking memorization. It all feels useless to me.

Regardless, I'll study until my next class. Then I'll keep studying when I get home tonight. If I commit enough time to it I know I'll get an A. That's what's really important after all.


	7. Chapter 7: Naruto

**Naruto's POV**

Kiba managed to convince his parents that he's doing something through the vet program for one of his courses.

"I sent my sister a text asking her to back me up on it since I know they'll ask her," he says.

"Did she say she would?"

He nods. "She just said, 'K.' Which is good enough, I guess."

I nod back. His family is all flavors of fucked up.

We just finished exams and now it is Friday night. I feel like I probably passed everything, but I guess we will see. For now, I won't worry about it. I just want to let loose. Very loose.

Kiba needs it, too. He's been so uptight lately - especially since the night he lost control and got beyond fucked. I'm not going to ditch him this time.

Kiba's all stressed out that he didn't do as well as he could have on his microbiology test. I don't know why he's so hard on himself. Almost nobody gets an A in those sorts of classes.

I'm just glad that we're going to be able to hang out tonight. There's a party at one of the frat houses and they're always the most fun. They get special funding from their national chapter to host these "events" that aren't technically supposed to include alcohol but do anyway. Nobody ever comes to check.

Around 8 o'clock we order a pizza. Kiba says he can't remember the last time he had pizza, which is probably the most fucked up thing I've ever heard come out of his mouth.

We eat well before heading to the party. I can tell Kiba doesn't want to throw up again. I'll try to keep an eye on him, though. I'm sure it will be fine. He's usually good at handling his liquor. Last time was just a slip.

"Ready to party?" I ask him.

He snorts. "Are YOU?" He eyes my attire - grey sweats and a tee.

"Hell yeah," I say. I'm not one to make much of an effort in my appearance at the best of times, to be frank. I don't really care. I just like being comfortable.

I put on socks and sandals - looking extra classy - and then we head out.

"You look like a fuckboy," Kiba says.

"You ARE a fuckboy," I retort.

We leave my room and make our way down to the frat house. You can hear the music from down the street.

By the time we get there it's already crowded. Nobody wants to get there right at nine so everyone comes at nine thirty instead. That makes the best time to arrive around ten because it's not dead but nobody is super sloshed yet either.

I look around the living room to see if anyone I know has showed up yet. These frat houses are fucking huge. It's like they took four houses and just squished them together. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's what they did.

I see Sakura in the corner talking to Karin, so I figure I should go say hello. I nudge Kiba and nod my head towards them.

"I'll meet you over there. I want to go get us some drinks first," he says, pointing towards the kitchen.

"Sounds good," I say before heading towards my cousin and my ex.

"Hey, Naruto," Sakura greets me. She is holding a red cup. It's probably vodka lemonade - her favorite. I hate vodka. I puked it out way too many times and now it just tastes like all the times I almost died.

"How's the party?" I ask them.

"Decent," Karin nods her approval. I can tell she is pretty sloshed already because her cheeks are pink. She has always been a bit of a lush.

"Crowded as hell," Sakura adds, "but I like it."

Kiba shows up a minute later with two beers. He hands one to me and I crack it open.

He is glancing around the room, probably checking for any more familiar faces.

Hinata and Ino are sitting on the sofas with Chouji, Shikamaru and some other kids we are friends with.

Seems like everyone had the same idea as Kiba and I. One week just isn't enough to make long-term plans off of campus. Anybody who lives out of town spends half the break traveling to get home if they try to go see their families.

That's something I really like about college—it's kind of like nobody has any parents. It's nice to see everybody trying to figure out how to be self-sufficient together. I had to teach a kid in my dorm at the beginning of this year how to do laundry. It was fucking hilarious but I also felt really good about it afterwards.

That's sort of why I want Kiba to move in with me I guess. I know a lot about doing my own cooking and cleaning, even though I don't particularly enjoy it. I feel like I could show him how to do all this shit his mom and dad never let him do on his own.

They do everything for him. I wouldn't be surprised if they still drew his baths for him as well. They tell him what to do and when to do it.

Kiba downs his first beer quick and goes to get another. I try to take things slower in case he fucks himself up again.

I bum around with Karin and Sakura for a while, chatting about stupid shit like courses, exams and what we have planned for the week.

Karin keeps hitting on Sakura. I don't know if she means it or if they are just trying to make me uncomfortable. I don't really want to ask. It would be too weird. I'd probably sound jealous or something, but I'm not. It's just weird. My ex and my cousin? Weird.

After Kiba's been gone for a few minutes, I decide to go find him. Karin and Sakura are freaking me out too much and it's not like they need me around.

I find Kiba in the kitchen chatting with Shikamaru. I wonder what they're talking about but as I get closer I realize they're just bitching about courses. Classic. I don't know why I would expect anything else from Shikamaru.

He and Kiba have some classes in common since they're both in difficult majors. I'm not sure exactly what Shikamaru is studying but it's something like bioengineering with a focus in calculus. I'm 98% sure the school let him make his own major because he's a fucking genius and regular classes are too slow paced for him. That doesn't stop him from complaining, though.

He is too damn smart for his own good. Maybe that is why he thinks everything is such a bother - it's all too menial for him.

Kiba is holding a red cup. I steal it from him and take a sip. "Rum?" I ask, handing it back.

He nods his head.

"Remember to drink some water in between," I remind him.

"I have been," he insists, though I can't be sure that he is telling the truth.

Nonetheless, I drop it. He gets defensive as fuck when he is drunk and he is easy to start a fight with.

He is slurring a little bit. I can tell he is probably a seven right now. I decide to play catch up, so I mix myself a rum and coke.

He's probably been in here downing liquor while I was around chatting with people.

"You his mommy?" Shikamaru asks me, teasing us.

"Can it," I say defensively, but Kiba looks embarrassed.

Shikamaru's one of those guys with really high tolerance for alcohol. I bet he sits around and drinks in his spare time to cope with the fact that everyone around him is a blubbering idiot comparatively.

He stands around with Kiba and me for a few more minutes before wandering off to talk to Ino and Chouji. Once he's out of the room, Kiba gives me an irritated look.

"Could you _not_ monitor me please?" he says aggressively.

"You're not going to let what Shikamaru said get you to, are you?" I ask, rolling me eyes. "I'm just trying not to have a repeat of last time."

Kiba looks a little hurt but he doesn't back down. "I can handle myself. The reason I'm doing this with you is to get away from people watching my every move. I don't need you to take over the responsibility."

I guess he got me there. The last thing he probably wants is for his best friend to start acting like his parents. I should just chill out and trust him not to make a fool of himself again... and if he does, then I guess he has to deal with it.

I hold up my hands. "All right, fine, you are right."

"I know," he huffs.

"Just be careful," I add.

"Says you, coke-head," he mutters.

"Ass," I retort.

The insult doesn't really bug me, though. I know he is just being a piss-baby. He is often a pissy drunk. It's lucky I am usually good at letting these things slide... unless I'm equally drunk or unless someone strikes a nerve. It doesn't happen much, though. I like to think I am easy to get along with. Everyone likes me... except Sasuke for some reason…

I wonder if Sasuke is here tonight. I glance around the room but don't see him. It's pretty crowded so I guess there's a chance I could miss him even if he were right here right now.

It's weird. He used to go out all the time, but I haven't seen him out on a Friday night for a few months. He could just be going to different parties, but everyone comes to the ones hosted by the frats and I always see his friends here. I don't have any idea where else there would be for him to go.

I wonder if he's still embarrassed about what happened in January. I do remember him pretty shaken up about the whole thing. It's not like him to lose control.

I feel pretty bad for him. I want to go talk to him, but he'll just tell me to fuck off like he did the last time. It's kind of stupid of me to even worry about shit like this. Kiba keeps throwing it in my face. He doesn't give a flying fuck about Sasuke. Neither of them is fond of one another. I have no idea why. They're probably both judging one another. I guess it's hard not to, though. Everyone makes snap judgements. Kiba is loud and he can be abrasive. Sasuke is quieter and kind of sterner. They're very much opposites.

Maybe that's why Sasuke doesn't like me. Like Kiba, I can be too loud. I'm too nosy and pushy. I know these things, but I can't exactly turn off my personality.

I wish I could at least find out what was going on from Karin so I could stop obsessing over it, but even she seems clueless.

Kiba's staring at me and not saying anything. He looks uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry I called you a coke-head," he finally relents.

"It's fine." I shrug. "It's true."

He doesn't argue with me and looks bitter as fuck. I think the alcohol is starting to crank him out.

I can't tell if he apologized because he genuinely felt bad or just because he felt obligated to. It's kind of hard know with Kiba sometimes. If I had to guess I would say that I think he probably had to say he was sorry for a lot of shit that wasn't his fault when he was a kid. He has just that kind of family.

I'm a forgiving person. I'll probably always forgive Kiba. Besides, I doubt he would ever pull a stunt that was fucked up enough to make me doubt that.

He makes a face. "Why do you do it?" he asks me. "Drugs, I mean."

"Dunno," I admit. "I like how it feels."

"Is something wrong with you?" he pries. "Is that how you cope?"

"Do you want something to be wrong with me?" I wonder.

"Maybe," he murmurs the confession.

In his head, perhaps it would make more sense. Then he would know why I do cocaine and he'd be satisfied. Or not. I don't really know.

"Why?" I ask. I'm trying to sound gentle. I don't really mind where the conversation is heading, but truthfully I haven't given my drug use much thought, so I don't really know why I do it.

"Then we'd both be fucked up," he murmurs. "Not 'cause I want you to suffer or anything..."

I tilt my head, eying him. "You're not fucked up, man."

"Kinda," he argues. "I mean, pretty fucked up, actually..." Before I can pry, he again asks, "So, why do you do it?"

"I don't know," I admit. "I'll think about it, so ask me later, 'kay?"

"Yeah, 'kay," he relents. He seems bummed out I don't have an answer. I don't really get it, but I will come up with something later on.

"Let's walk around the house a little bit," I suggest.

Kiba nods, quickly mixing one more drink from the rum and coke sitting on the counter. I watch him warily as he pours it. When he sets the bottle of liquor down he notices me staring and gives me an annoyed look.

"I'm fine," he insists, taking a huge swig from it.

I'm not exactly sure how that's supposed to prove to me that he's fine.

"Okay," I say in defeat.

There's not much I can do to persuade him to slow down. Maybe I'm just paranoid. He's only ever gotten sick the one time and it's not atypical for him to drink a lot.

Kiba can do what he wants. Fuck it. I don't need to hold his hand all night.

I just don't want him to make a habit of fucking himself up. Then again, it is spring break. If there is any reason to get fucked up, then this is it.

We ditch the kitchen and head into the hallway. There is a cloud of smoke that is probably pot or something wafting around. It smells pretty strongly.

I've never been a fan of pot. It makes me groggy and paranoid. I like liquor. I love cocaine.

"Ew," Kiba complains, plugging his nose with his thumb and index finger.

I snort at him. "Come on," I say, nodding for him to follow me deeper into the frat house.

He glances around. He wavers a bit, putting a hand on my shoulder and tagging along after me.

"It's so crowded," he points out as we weave through the mass of people.

These things always are.

"The whole campus is probably here," I respond. "Or what's left of the people who didn't go home anyway."

It's true. I've seen almost everyone. Everyone except fucking Sasuke. He's still elusive as ever.

I wonder if Gaara is here. I haven't seen him in a while either, but that's pretty typical. I could find him if I wanted to.

I glance at Kiba over my shoulder. He looks tired and drunk as fuck. Even if I did run into Gaara there's absolutely no way I could leave Kiba alone at this point. I feel like he'd end up in some sort of mess especially considering how many people are around.

"I just hate all these random people rubbing up against me," Kiba mutters.

"Fair enough," I say.

It's hard not to bump into people at parties like this. Everyone is everywhere and we're all equally as fucked up, so it's hard to not be falling all over the place.

We head into a lounge room that doesn't have too many people around, so I decide to drag him inside and let him sit for a while. He's probably getting dizzy and since he doesn't seem to want to stop drinking quite yet he'll probably just get even more fucked up by the end of the night.

We near a sofa and he lets go of me, sitting down with his drink still in hand.

"Ugh," he groans, setting his drink on the coffee table and then shrugging out of his hoodie. He hands it to me and says, "Hold this. I'm too hot."

I resist the urge to roll my eyes, but keep hold of it nonetheless. He picks his drink back up and sips on it a bit.

"Want me to get you water?" I offer.

"No… later."

His voice sounds whiney.

"Okay," I relent. "Do you feel sick?"

"No…" he mutters, sounding annoyed that I'd ask. "I'm just drunk."

"Alright, well—" I shrug my shoulders suggestively, referencing what happened last time. It's not like I'm completely in the wrong to be concerned.

Kiba just stares at me, he looks bitter as hell. "Why'd you invite me out if you thought you were just going to have to babysit me all night?" he asks crankily, setting his drink down again.

I'm a little taken aback by the question. I mean I have been keeping an eye on him, but that's a hell of an accusation.

"I'm not fucking babysitting you," I snap back at him. "I'm allowed to be worried aren't I?"

"If you're so fucking concerned then why did you even suggest we go out?"

Kiba looks so fucking upset. I don't understand why. All I did was ask if he needed water.

"I don't know!" I reply. "I thought it would be fun! Why are you throwing such a little bitch fit?"

"I'm NOT," he says sharply.

"Sounds like you are," I mutter.

"Well, I'm not," he insists again. He slumps in his seat, crossing his arms and putting on this pissy expression. He looks like a child who just got scolded.

"I think you kind of are, but whatever," I say.

It gets tense quick and I guess part of it is my fault. Usually I can alleviate a situation, but I just don't feel like it.

Kiba glances at me. "I want to fucking punch you."

"Back atcha," I retort.

He scoffs at me, choking down the rest of his drink before standing up and wandering out of the room. I follow him, somewhat wary. I think he should probably just go to bed. He needs to sleep this off, but if I said that he'd flip at me.

"Dude, calm down," I bark at him after he forcefully pushes past two girls crowding a doorway. "Sorry, excuse me," I tell them as I squeeze past as well. They both give me dirty looks.

After a few more seconds of tag I finally catch up to Kiba and grab him firmly by the shoulder. He swings around and smacks my hand away, almost knocking himself over in the process. It's kind of pathetic to watch.

"Kiba, seriously," I hiss. "You're pissing me off."

"You're pissing ME off!" he retorts. This is getting fucking embarrassing.

"Fine, whatever!" I put my hands up in defeat. "Drink more, I don't give a fuck."

We just stare at each other awkwardly for a few moments. Kiba looks like he might cry.

"Let's just go back to my dorm," I sigh finally.

I turn around, glancing back every so often to make sure he's following me. Jeez, is this how it's going to be all next week? I've never really spent time like this with Kiba, so I guess there are still a lot of things I don't know about him. It makes me even more curious, but he's not one to share details about his life.

I get him some water and make sure he brushes his teeth. When we're settling back down in my room, he flops into my bed.

"You good?" I ask him.

"Mm…" he mumbles.

I don't know if that's a yes or a no, but I don't pry.

I lie down next to him. It's a really tight squeeze, but I don't feel like pulling out the futon tonight. Hopefully what little alcohol I had will make it quick for me to fall asleep.

Not long after, Sai comes back to the room. I glance up at him when he turns the light on and I can tell he's a little surprised to see us.

KIba doesn't acknowledge Sai and I'm not sure if he's passed the fuck out or just pretending. Neither would be that surprising.

Sai turns the light back off quickly and pulls out his phone to use as a flashlight. He grabs several paintbrushes off his desk and then leaves—it must be another late night in the art studio. He probably isn't even doing homework, he just loves to make things.

Once he's gone I readjust myself under the blankets a bit and end up snuggled right up against Kiba. The bed's pretty small, but it's a little weird because I've never played the part of little spoon before.

This is better, though. At least it's comfortable and it makes the bed seem larger than it really is since we're so close together. I think it would probably be weird as fuck if we were sober, but we're not.

Kiba still has his day clothes on, but he's probably too drunk to even care. I can feel him breathing against my ear. I want to ask him if he's awake, but I don't. I don't want to risk making things awkward as fuck.

I close my eyes and try to will myself to get tired, but I'm not feeling it. Great.

"Kiba..?"

"Hm…?" he grunts.

"Nothing," I murmur. "Just wondering if you were awake."

"Mm…" he grunts again.

I wonder if he realizes what position we're in. Maybe he's too trashed to notice.

Kiba's warm and comfortable but I'm not stoked on the whole situation. I feel a little awkward. I've been feeling a little awkward about all of my interactions after what happened with Gaara. I still don't know if I'm even interesting in guys or if the whole thing was just an experimental fluke.

I close my eyes and try to settle into it. Maybe if I lay still for long enough I'll fall asleep.

.

.

When I wake up in the morning I am not fortunate enough to be in the same cozy position.

I'm half hanging out of bed while at some point during the night Kiba flipped over and curled up against the wall.

I decide to get up since it is noon. My head doesn't hurt since I didn't drink that much, but I'm sure Kiba is going to have a gnarly as hell hangover.

I decide to duck out for a bit and grab us some food. He'll need something carby and greasy when he wakes up.

I move down the hallway. I see Karin in the lounge with some of the girls. I hold a hand up and wave at them, but I don't stop to chat. I wonder if she's seen Sasuke at all lately.

I head down into the cafeteria and take my time deciding what to eat since I doubt Kiba is remotely conscious yet. I end up grabbing some burgers and a couple bottles of water.

Back in my room, Kiba's eyes are open and his brows are furrowed.

"Headache?" I ask.

"Yup," he says flatly.

I set the food on my nightstand and then open a drawer, getting some pain killers for him. "Here," I say, handing him two.

He sits up, wincing the entire time. He takes two, grabbing a water bottle and downing them.

I decide not to say anything to him about last night. 1) because he would probably be mortified to know he acted like such a little bitch and 2) on the off chance he's still feeling sensitive about me "babysitting" him or whatever, I wouldn't want to reignite those emotions.

I'll just make sure to let him do whatever the fuck he wants in the future. Jesus, if I had known he was going to pitch such a fit about it I wouldn't have hassled him at all. It's just more work for me anyhow. Worst case scenario I can just hand him over to the student health center.

I eat my lunch and Kiba works on his slowly. I wonder if he'll get sick.

"Does your stomach hurt?" I ask.

"I think I'm alright," he says, but he's abandoned his burger so I'm not sure if he's telling the truth.

He looks miserable.

I don't know what to do now. There will be more parties this week, but I don't know if Kiba will be up for it. Then again, he'll probably be annoyed if I suggest we stay in my dorm instead. I should just let him do what he wants. If he fucks himself up enough times, maybe he'll start to learn his lesson.

It sounds harsh, but what else am I supposed to do?

He stands up slowly, eyebrows drawn together "Ugh…" he murmurs. He kneels by his overnight bag, digging out pyjama pants. He changes into them, ditching the jeans he had on last night for something more comfortable.

He sits back on my bed up against the pillow, sipping on the bottle of water slowly.

"Y'know what?" he murmurs to me.

I stare at him. "What?"

"Let's just… get day drunk," he says. "Alcohol cures hangovers, right?"

I smile somewhat wearily.

I don't have any hard liquor, but Sai and I do have a few crappy beers inside our mini-fridge. It's probably better that way—if I let Kiba drink fucking vodka on a hangover he'd probably just puke.

I stand up and walk to the corner of my room with the fridge, grabbing a couple of generic cans and tossing them onto my bed. Kiba cracks one open and starts sipping on it.

"How is it?" I ask.

"S'fine," Kiba replies, but he's making a face so I can tell they taste nasty. Whatever, at least they're cold.

I open one too but don't really have any intention of drinking this garbage. Really I just want to eat the rest of my lunch.

I feel bad for Kiba. He looks like he's in a pretty sore state. I don't know what's going on with him these days.

"Man, Kiba, are you sure you're all right lately?" I ask him.

He side-eyes me. "I'm totally fine, Naruto. You know I get pissy when I'm drunk, so… for that, sorry. I know I can get annoying to deal with."

"It's fine, dude, I don't give a fuck," I insist. "I'm just glad you're okay.

But is he? I don't fucking know. He's so off lately. He used to be such a fun drunk, but now he seems to be overdoing it too much.

I finish the rest of my burger and down some more water. I take a sip on the beer I opened and, boy, is it ever foul.

We end up laying around my room all afternoon watching old TV shows on Netflix. It's nice to not have homework to worry about. Everything about college is such a rush, but right now all we're doing is sprawling out on my floor and wasting time until tonight.

Sai pops in and out a few times, giving me a funny look each time. I wonder if he thinks we fucked last night. God, I hope not.

He didn't know Kiba was going to be staying over. I probably should have mentioned it to him, especially since Kiba basically never stays out anywhere so it's a little abnormal.

Eventually the evening rolls around and Kiba starts to seem like he's feeling better. I'm not sure if it's because we rested or because we've been drinking all day. Either way, I'm glad to see him a little peppier.

We watch some sitcom Kiba likes. It's kind of stupid, but it's all right. We both have a stupid sense of humour. I want him to be in a good mood for tonight. He's so damn hard on himself sometimes.

We both manage to down a few beers. They are totally gnarly and hard to swallow, but I don't want to be the only sober one here.

"Down for a party later or wanna chill out here?" I ask him.

"Uh…" he trails off, rubbing his stubbly chin. "Dunno. Guess we can go to a party."

"Okay, cool," I respond.

"If you want to," he adds.

"I want to," I tell him, but I guess it's nice he's thinking about what I want as well.

I type out a text message to Karin asking if she knows where the party is at tonight. If she doesn't, she'll ask someone else for me. The whole school is pretty small and tight-knit. There's always someone in our friend group who knows where to look.

About a half an hour later Karin gets back to me. Apparently there's a dorm party being hosted in one of the other buildings across campus. It's not as convenient as I would have liked but that's fine. I guess it makes sense that the frat houses would be busy cleaning up after last night.

"Dorm party," I say, handing Kiba my phone.

"Nice," he sounds excited, "Those are always more fun."

"Yeah, seriously," I agree.

Still, I don't want to drink much tonight. I think I'll just do a few lines before heading out with Kiba. I like it more than being drunk. He'll probably chide me for it, but I don't really give a fuck. If he doesn't want me prying into his life, then he shouldn't pry into mine. Fair is fair, right?

If I see Karin tonight, I'll ask her about Sasuke. I mean, they're best friends, so she must've seen him around. She'll be able to tell me if he's okay at least. Then I can finally drop it. I can tell Kiba is getting annoyed. He keeps calling me obsessive, but I'm not obsessive, I'm just concerned. I'm too soft for my own damn good. I just want everyone to be happy. It sucks when they're not.

I've been ensuring we stay hydrated considering that we've been drinking all day. Kiba seems like he's doing well with handling what he's had so far.

"I'm gonna go to the caf and grab us some more food," I tell him. "You can play around on my computer or keep watching Netflix."

He nods his head.

"Whatcha feel like eating?" I ask.

"Uh… whatever," he says. "I'm not fussy."

I nod my head and then head out again. I'm just glad the cafeteria stays open during spring break for all the losers that don't go anywhere. If not, I'd be scarfing down cup ramen daily. I love ramen, don't get me wrong, but I also need some variety in my meals.

I decide to go for a vegetable plate and some fish. Healthy, right? Especially considering how unhealthy we've been lately with what we're drinking.

"Thanks," Kiba tells me when I get back to my room and hand him a plate of food.

It's fucking miraculous that the dining hall hasn't stopped me from snatching dishware yet. We're not technically supposed to take it, but there's a back door that nobody really watches. It's easy to sneak by.

"Shikamaru texted me when you were out. He said he had liquor so I invited him to come by—I hope that's okay," Kiba says with a mouthful of fish.

"That's fine," I nod. "Leave it to Shikamaru."

"I know, right?" he concurs.

Eventually Shikamaru shows up with a handle of vodka. Ugh. Guess I really won't be drinking now. It's some of the cheapest shit so I get why people buy it but it's just so damn nasty.

They probably buy it because it's cheap and they just want to get trashed. I guess we're all poor students, but still, fuck that.

Kiba looks pleased, though. I guess this is good enough for him.

"Pre-drinking?" Shikamaru asks, sitting with Kiba on my bed. He's eying all the empty beer cans.

"A little bit," Kiba says.

When Kiba is done scarfing down his food, he and Shikamaru take turns passing the vodka back and forth. I sit at my desk and eat slow. Watching them drink that shit straight makes me want to barf. I can't even handle it. My tastes buds would die. I don't know how they do it.

"Tasty?" I ask.

"Not particularly," Shikamaru says. He snorts and then asks, "So, Kiba, gonna get trashed again tonight?"

Kiba looks annoyed. "Shut up, man."

"Just wondering." He shrugs.

Thankfully, he doesn't mention anything about me being mothering or whatever the hell he said to set Kiba off last night. I'm not planning on going down that road today and I'd like to stay as far away from it as possible.

Shikamaru doesn't have the best track record with alcohol either to be honest. He says mean shit. It pisses people off. It's never exactly wrong but it's nothing anyone wants to hear either. He's just too fucking matter of fact and people aren't ready to have their personalities critiqued when they've already had five drinks.

It's kind of a shocker that him and Kiba are even friends actually, especially since Kiba is so uptight about certain shit. Then again, it's probably circumstantial since they have some course overlap in their majors.

We've known him for a while, too. It's kind of hard to escape from people you've known for your entire life – especially considering we come from a small town. Small towns are like that. They're so close-knit. It can be a good thing and a bad thing.

Soon, night time approaches and the sun is long set. They're still passing the vodka back and forth, but it's getting low. I decide to grab my drugs and do my thing.

"Ew," Kiba mutters when he sees what I'm doing

"Then look away," I say, not in the mood to hear him whine about it.

I draw tidy lines on my desk with my credit card, killing a bit of time. I roll up an old bill and snort.

Shikamaru doesn't comment on it. He probably doesn't care much either way.

The rush is so quick and so satisfying. I bet if Kiba tried it he would like it. Everyone who tries it likes it. Besides, it's fucking annoying how stuck up about it he gets. It's not like his party habits are much healthier—so he's really one to talk.

"Are you guys ready? I'm ready to go," I ask, feeling pumped up and wanting to get to the party before it wears off.

Kiba rolls his eyes but hands the bottle of liquor to Shikamaru, who screws the cap back on.

"You guys go on without me," he says dismissively. "I'm going to head back to my room."

Fucking hell he's so weird and existential. It takes a special type of guy to down half a fifth of booze and then choose to go hang out by himself.

I guess this was enough social contact for him. He might make an appearance later on, but probably not. For all I know, he could go back to his room and start reading or something equally boring.

Kiba doesn't bother changing. Neither do I. Who gives a fuck?

So, after slipping on our sneakers, we head down to the party wearing sweatpants and t-shirts. I'm pretty sure half of the other students will be dressed similarly.

Crappy dance music is playing when we arrive. Typical. Kiba gets a beer from the kitchen while I try to find my cousin. I glance around a bit, but I don't see her. Maybe she isn't around yet. It's only 9PM, after all.

I spot a few girls I fooled around with in the past. I give them somewhat awkward waves, not wanting to act like a dick. I also see Gaara, which is a bit of a surprise. He's standing in the corner talking to a taller blonde girl who I've seen around campus before but don't know the name of.

I kind of want to go say hi, but I'm not sure how to. I feel like it would be awkward.

A moment later, Kiba reappears with beer in-hand. He gives Gaara a quick glance up and down when he notices me staring, then smiles at me snidely.

"You're not going to disappear on me, are you?" He waggles his eyebrows at me.

I chuckle. "No, I don't think so. That was so long ago and we've barely talked since then."

"That's too bad," Kiba says, but he looks secretly satisfied. I think he's probably glad I'm not going to ditch him.

We end up in a game room and play a few rounds of pool. We end up gathering a bit of attention. I'm pretty good at pool, but Kiba sucks and it's even worse now that he's drunk, but he doesn't seem bothered by everyone laughing at his horrible aim. He's laughing along with him. It's actually kind of nice to see him like this again. He hasn't been a happy drunk in a while.

After pool, we head back into the kitchen for more drinks. I break my vow and end up having a few beers. We're both so trashed we can barely stand and we're both acting like total fools. Kiba is telling me some story as he hangs off my shoulder, but half of what's coming out of his mouth sounds like nonsense. That alone is funny, though, so he's got me cracking up.

Karin appears with her girlfriends sometime after midnight. "Wooow, boys, you look like you're feeling good," she says, crossing her arms. She has a smile on her face, like she thinks it's hilarious.

"Karin—" I start, putting a hand on her arm, but I lose my train of thought halfway through.

"Yeah?" she laughs, urging me to continue.

I stare at her for a second, trying to remember what I was saying.

"Right! Where is Sasuke?"

"Oh gooooood not that again," Kiba drones in my ear. "Let it go Naruto. Let. It. Gooooo."

"No." I put a hand over his mouth and try to continue my question. "I mean it—why does no one know where he is? Why doesn't he come to parties? I want to see him."

Sakura, who's standing off to Karin's left stifles a chuckle.

"What're you laughing at?" Kiba sneers, even though the chuckle is clearly is directed at me.

"Your friend," she tells him, not swayed by his attitude. She is smirking, probably finding it funny that he got so riled up.

"He's in his room," Karin says to me finally. "He's been taking it easy lately. I think his parents are cracking down."

I narrow my eyes at her, almost like I'm trying to figure out if she's lying or not… but I can't. How the hell would I?

"I'm serious," she tells me. "He's fine, so stop worrying about it. I called his brother to check on him, too. So, drop it. Sasuke would be really majorly annoyed if he knew you were getting your underwear shoved up your ass about this. I'm pretty sure he just wants to forget his little indiscretion and move on with his life."

"Well, he involved me, so I just wanted him to tell me how it fucking ended," I mutter sourly.

"He probably didn't WANT to get you involved," Karin snorts. "He had no choice, really. He just wanted to know what the hell happened. The trail led him to you."

"Yeah?" I say with a shrug. "So, he shoulda let me know he got it sorted. I was worrying, man! Any person would've been worrying…"

"Sasuke's brain doesn't think that way," Karin explains to me, humoured. "He doesn't really care about what other people are thinking."

"What a selfish dick," Kiba mumbles.

"That's Sasuke for yah," Sakura agrees.

I wrinkle my nose. "I guess it wasn't my business…" I relent.

"It really wasn't," Karin agrees, "At all."

"Whatever!" Kiba says with finality, attempting to separate himself from the support of my shoulder and almost falling over in the process, "Why're we spending all our time thinkin' about some dickbag who isn't here and wouldn't even want us to be thinkin' about'm?"

I guess he has a point there.

"C'mon Naruto," he continues, "I don't wanna talk about Sasuke anymore."

He grabs me by the shoulder and leads me towards the kitchen. I look back at Karin and Sakura who both look bewildered and amused.

"M'getting another beer," Kiba tells me as he scans the counter, which is scattered with a mess of discarded plastic cups.

At this point I don't really care how much more Kiba drinks. I'm too fucked up myself to keep track.

I grab another beer for myself as well. We'll probably both black the fuck out at some point if this keeps up. Somehow, I don't really care. I guess it's because I'm drunk. I'd care if I was sober, but I'm so far from it. I can't even recall the last time I was this trashed. I can't even see straight. Everything is a shaky blur.

When we leave the kitchen area, I spot Gaara again. It makes me want to go over and talk to him, maybe hash things out again. I don't know. What's left to even hash out? No fucking clue, but I still feel like I need to go over there.

Gaara looks good. I'd be stupid to deny that. It makes me wanna fuck 'im.

"Hey, there's Gaara," I say to Kiba, pointing at him from across the room. Gaara can see me pointing at him. He's probably wondering what the fuck I'm saying.

Kiba looks at me with distaste. "So…?" A pause. "Man, don't go over there. What the fuck are you thinking?" He grabs me by the back of the shirt when I start to wander over.

I turn around once Kiba lets me go. "I jus' gotta go over there for a sec," I tell him.

"Why?" he asks dryly.

"I dunno," I admit, "I jus' wanna see how he's doin' since we haven't talked in forever."

"You're gonna make'a fuckin' fool of yourself." Kiba lets go of my shirt but laughs while he does it—I really can't tell if he approves or not.

"Whatever." I wave at him dismissively.

I stumble my way over to Gaara who doesn't look to have an opinion one way or the other that I'm approaching him.

"How's goin'?"

"I don't want to sleep with you right now," he says without missing a fucking beat. "You're obviously drunk and I also took some drugs earlier in the night. It wouldn't be good. Besides, last time you left your friend he ended up sick."

"Who? Kiba?" I ask, surprised by Gaara's directness. "He's fine—he's not throwin' up or anything"

"I'm not doing that tonight," he reiterates firmly.

"Okay, jeez," I grumble. I guess that is that. "What did you take?" I pry.

"Some coke," he admits.

I nod my head. "I did a bit of that earlier."

Gaara stares at me, unblinking. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," I say.

Maybe I just don't look like the type.

It's funny. We were both intoxicated last time we fooled around and that didn't stop us. Then again, it did kind of suck. Maybe doing it sober is a better idea. Nonetheless, I get horny when I get fucked up.

I want to ask him who his dealer is, but I don't think that would be the best conversation.

"Don't ask tomorrow, either," he adds. "I'm going to be on E and as nice as it is to be touchy on E I'd rather not get fucked."

"Fair..." I say. "Where do yah get E?"

I've never done it, but I kind of want to try.

"Kidomaru," he says plainly.

It makes sense. Him and Jirobo are friends. They probably tackle the campus clientele together.

"How much is it?"

"Depends," Gaara tells me, his eye contact not wavering, "You'll probably pay more since you're not a regular."

"I go to Jirobo, though," I say, wondering if that will make a difference.

Gaara shrugs. "Maybe not then. Depends on what you want. Five to ten dollars usually."

"If I gave you money—would'ya get me some?"

It's something I would never normally ask, but I'm drunk as fuck and don't give a shit right now.

Gaara blinks. I think I surprised him. I don't fucking know—I don't fucking care. He's too hard to read.

"I could," he says after a moment of silence. "When do you want it?"

"For tomorrow," I say.

He nods his head. "I'm meeting him later. I'll do it then. How much do you want?"

"Uh, two," I say. I don't want to start too heavy. Plus, Kiba might want to try it, but probably not. If he's not into it, I'll just save the other pill for another day.

Gaara nods again. "I'll find your room tomorrow and you can pay me then."

"All right," I agree. "Thanks, man, I 'ppreciate it."

"Okay," he says simply. He crosses his arms, looking annoyed, but I don't think he is. I think he's just a very matter-of-fact person. A lot of people probably find it off-putting, but I don't really mind. I can see past those little things.

I give him a little nod of thanks and turn to head back to Kiba. He's chatting with Karin and Sakura again, looking more drunk than before if that's possible.

As I approach, Sakura slips away from the conversation and over to me.

"He's seriously fucked up," she says urgently. "You have to take him home."

"What? Noooo," I drawl. "He's fine."

"We can't even understand what he's saying," Sakura reiterates. "Call a fucking taxi or something."

I can't very well explain that Kiba's parents would have a bitch fit if I sent him home like that, so instead I just tell her we're staying in my dorm room.

"I don't care where you're staying." She rolls her eyes. "Just don't let him drink any more. He'll get sick."

"He's gonna throw a bitch fit if I try to parent him," I point out. "He really hates it, yah know."

"Just do it," she bites out. "He'll probably forget about it in the morning anyway. Besides, him being pissy at you is better than him having to go to the fucking hospital."

"C'mooon, just let him have a good time," I say. "He's totally fine."

"He's not! He's gonna get alcohol poisoning," she insists, crossing her arms at me. "If you were sober, you'd be worried."

"Dunno about that," I argue. "He totally looks fine to me," I add, gesturing to him. I don't see what she's getting so worked up about.

"Because you're drunk, too!" she exclaims.

I cross my arms, mirroring her position. "Yeah, but I can still think."

He scoffs. "Not clearly."

"Why don't you take'm then?" I snort, "If you're so worried. I'll give you a key to my room."

"Because he came with you and is staying with you!" Sakura insists. "It's not my fucking job. Besides, do you actually think he would go anywhere with me?"

"If he's as drunk as you say, he'll probably go wherever!"

"It's not my job," she repeats.

"It's not mine either." I narrow my eyes. I'm not ready to go home yet. I'm not about to let Sakura bully me into it. She can't tell me what to do; she's my fucking ex-girlfriend.

"Fine, whatever," Sakura hisses, turning around and grabbing Karin by the arm. "Have fun dealing with it on your own for the rest of the night then."

She leads Karin away, whispering furiously to her as they exit the room. Kiba stares after them, looking disgruntled as fuck that they left so immediately.

"Hell that 'bout," he slurs out.

I shrug. "Sakura is just bein' moody, nothing out of the ordinary."

Kiba leaves it at that, seeming to shrug it off pretty early. He's squinting a lot. Everything is probably blurry as hell for him. My own vision is still pretty blurry, but I'm trying to keep it together. I'm the kind of person who sobers up pretty fast, which is why I used to blackout a lot as an early teenager. I'd just keep drinking and drinking to try and stay drunk and it would end in a mess.

"Still feelin' good?" I ask him.

"Aw, yeah," he says, giving me a sloppy nod.

I don't know why Sakura is freaking out. Everything is totally fine.

"Where'd ya go?" Kiba asks, leaning heavily into my shoulder.

"To talk to Gaara."

"And wha'happened with Gaara?" he presses.

"Ugh nothing," I grumble, "I walked up to'm and before I could even say anything he was tellin' me he didn't want to hook up. How'd he even know that's what I was there for? I could've just been sayin' hi! Pretty forward of'm if you ask me."

"Rude!" Kiba laughs in my ear. "You mad he didn't wanna get wit'cha?"

"Shut up." I throw him a mean look. "He said he was on drugs and I was too drunk—said he didn't want it to get messy."

"You're messy," he sneers.

"No you're messy," I spit back.

"Whaaatever."

.

.

Later when the crowd begins to disperse, Kiba and I decide to end the night. We make our way back to my room, stumbling the entire way. Kiba hangs off of the wall, careful not to fall.

I feel pretty tired. I'm probably going to sleep in hard tomorrow. I hope my hangover isn't too fierce. I have a few bottles of water in my room, so me and Kiba should probably sip on those a bit before sleeping. Regardless, though, I think he will have a pretty shitty hangover. He's wrecked.

When we reach my room, I fumble with the key. It's past midnight. I'm surprised to see Sai fast asleep. He sleeps like a log, so as long as me and Kiba don't make too much noise it should be okay.

Kiba sits on my bed and yawns. I dig two bottles of water out of the mini fridge and hand one to him. "Sip," I say. "We both gotta drink up or we'll, like, be dead as fuck tomorrow…"

Kiba wrinkles his nose, cracking open the cap and taking a drink.

"Give me your phone," I whisper and Kiba fishes around in his pocket to find it.

I take a minute to search for his charger in his overnight bag before plugging it into the wall. When it illuminates I notice that he has a few text messages from his mother asking how work's going and how he's holding up.

Even though it's late, I figure I should probably tap out a reply and pretend to be Kiba on break or something.

"Great! Miss you!" I write.

Is that something Kiba would say? Probably not. I erase the second part, leaving just the simple "great."

Close enough. It sounds cranky. She'll probably believe it.

I glance up to get Kiba's approval, but he's already tucked himself into my bed and looks passed the fuck out.

I glance at the bottle of water he's holding to his chest. He only managed a few sips. Whatever. He'll pay the price tomorrow, I guess. I uncurl his fingers from the bottle and set it on the nightstand. I take a few sips, wondering if I should shower now or leave it to tomorrow. I'm still pretty fucking drunk, but not drunk enough to slip and die or something, so a shower might help sober me up a bit more. I grab my toiletries and head down the hall and into the bathroom.

I take a quick shower, washing and rinsing. I step out, drying off and putting on fresh pyjamas. With that, I brush my teeth and then head out.

"Where the fuck were you?" Kiba barks out when I open the door again. I guess he woke up.

"Shower," I tell him, taking a few more sips of my water bottle.

He mumbles something under his breath but I can't make out what he's saying. Maybe he's not really saying anything at all—he could just be grumbling. His eyes aren't even open for fuck's sake. He probably has the spins.

"Drink more water." I hold the bottle out to him but he swats it away.

"M'tired," is all he replies with.

I set the water down and climb into bed next to him. It's a tight fit and I don't exactly feel comfortable getting cozy since I know for sure he's awake.

Kiba doesn't exactly try to snuggle up either—he just continues to take up as much space as humanly possible.

I probably shouldn't have gotten all up close and personal with him last night. Now I feel awkward as fuck. I guess it doesn't matter since he doesn't seem to remember, but I know he'd feel weird if he did and that just makes it worse.

It's better this way, that's for sure. He can be a bit of a walking no-homo sometimes. At least, that's how it comes off. But I guess I can be that way, too, even though I'm actually the opposite when it comes to how I feel.

I lie still on my back, staring up at the ceiling. It's uncomfortable. I don't know how I'll get any sleep like that. I debate on pulling out the futon, but fuck, I'm lazy. I don't really want to move now that I'm lying down. My hair is still a bit damp because I only towel dried it. Whatever.

It's quiet. I can hear Sai breathing quietly from across the room and I can hear Kiba breathing into my ear. They're both dead to the fuckin' world.

I close my eyes, trying to drift.

.

.

I wake up with a start when I feel Kiba put legitimately all of his weight on me while in the process of attempting to climb out of my bed.

At first I'm disoriented—I'm not used to sleeping next to someone else so I have a hard time figuring out what shook me awake. I figure it out quickly though, much to my horror, when Kiba starts to vomit. On me. Literally on me.

"Dude, gross!" I recoil, jumping out of bed.

Kiba doesn't respond. He has his hand cupped over his mouth, although it's not making much of a difference. He's still throwing up in my bed.

I flick on the light and look desperately around the room for a bucket. It's in vain, though, I know I don't have one.

I grab the trash bin quick, shoving it below his chin. He clutches it and pukes in it. God, I want to scream!

For a few minutes, I just sit here and watch. He tenses, shudders, pukes, relaxes. Then he does it all over again. I have no idea what to do. My sheets are totalled. I'm going to have to wash them now. I'm going to need to take another shower. Kiba is going to need to take a shower. I'll probably basically have to bathe him at this rate.

"Ugh, fuck!" I exclaim, frustrated.

I guess we finally woke Sai up, because he sits up and stares at us. "Oh… Gross," he says, eying us. "Is he okay?"

"He just needs to let it out," I murmur. "Sorry."

Sai shrugs. "It doesn't matter. I don't care." He gets out of bed, putting his slippers on. "I'm going to Ino's for the night," he adds. "Do you need me to bring you anything first?"

"No… but thanks," I say, surprised he even bothered to ask.

With that, he nods and leaves.

I guess Sakura was right. I should have been more careful with Kiba.

When he finally seems to be done puking, I decide to start the clean-up. I take my shirt and pants off, throwing them onto the bed. I make Kiba do the same and we're both standing in our boxer shorts. I grab my sheets, balling them up and putting them on the floor. At least no puke leaked into the mattress.

"Stay here," I mumble. "I need to get rid of your barf and then chuck these in the washing machine down the hall."

He sits on the floor, inching towards the trash bin again like he thinks he might throw up some more. For fuck's sake.

I head down the hall. I'm really not in the mood for this shit, man. Should I even bother washing these or should I just find a dumpster?

When I get to the laundry room I'm happy to see that no one else is using it. Sometimes the douchebags in my building leave their wet clothes in overnight. It pisses me off. If that had been the case tonight I swear I would have just dumped their shit out the fucking window.

Can I just put these straight in the washer? I don't really know. I think I'm supposed to rinse them out first but I don't have the stomach for it. Instead I dump the mess of sheets and clothing in and switch the knobs to "hot" and "sanitize."

I steal some soap from someone else on my floor who was stupid enough to leave theirs out and wait for a few minutes while the machine fills with water and starts to spin. I'm not quite ready to go back and deal with the mess in my room.

I wrap my arms around myself, getting chilly. I am stuck in my underwear, but it'd be pointless to get dressed when I still have vomit residue on my skin. I feel all sticky. I probably smell like shit, but I can barely notice it anymore.

After a few minutes, I turn around and head back to my room. Kiba is still sitting on the floor like a fucking loser. I peek in the garbage bin. It doesn't look like he threw up anymore, thankfully. He looks like he's ready to pass the fuck out, so I guess I need to take care of business before he does.

"Hey," I say to him. I pull him to his feet and add, "Come on, we need to shower."

He groans and whines as I help him towards the bathroom.

Kiba's still disoriented and a little drunk, but thankfully he has his shit together enough to bath himself. That was not going to be a fun experience for either of us.

We pass my shampoo back and forth underneath the stalls. I don't have any real body wash so this is the best we're going to get.

After a few minutes I feel clean again, so I step out of the shower and towel off. Kiba follows a minute later. He still has some suds in his hair but it doesn't matter, he can wash them out later. Right now we both just need to go back to bed.

"You good?" I ask as I slip my boxers back on.

He nods but doesn't reply. Close enough I guess.

Back in my room, we throw sweatpants and t-shirts on. I lazily throw new sheets on my bed, getting another comforter out as well. This will do for now.

We crawl into bed. He is pretty much dead as soon as his head hits the pillow. I feel myself drifting off shortly after.

.

.

I wake up around 2PM. I slept in hard. I guess last night was pretty fucked up, though. And I was fucked up, too. My head hurts, but not nearly as much as I thought. My stomach feels a bit uneasy as well, but it'll probably go away in a couple hours.

I glance at Kiba. He's still sleeping. There's some drool coming out of his mouth, but whatever. I roll onto my side and away from Kiba, closing my eyes again. I am not quite ready to get up.

Last night was jacked up. Sakura was so right, I should have cut Kiba off. He's so fucking moody and hard to deal with though—it immediately sucks all the fun out of him as soon as anyone tries to tell him what to do, which includes things in his own best interest.

I lay here for what feels like at least another hour when I hear a tap at the door. I roll out of bed and shuffle over to answer it, briefly surprised to see Gaara standing in the hall before I remember our agreement from last night.

"Oh, hey," I say somewhat awkwardly.

Gaara doesn't respond, but instead fishes around in his pocket to pull out a plastic bag containing two pills.

"Cutting straight to the chase," I joke, beckoning for him to come into my room. "How much was it?"

"Ten dollars," he replies flatly.

I nod my head, turning to grab my wallet from my nightstand. I open it and take out two fives, handing them to him.

"Great," he says, pocketing the cash.

"Thanks for doing that," I tell him.

"It wasn't a problem," he insists. "I was going to see him anyway."

I nod. "Still…"

"Whatever," he says. "You're welcome." Before I can say anything else, he adds, "I'm going now. Bye."

I smile and hold up a hand. "A'right, see yah."

I watch him walk off. What a weird guy.

I close the door and take a few sips of water before lying back down. I close my eyes and decide to rest a bit until Kiba decides to wake the fuck up. When he does, I'll get us some toast or something to eat. Hopefully he'll be able to stomach something.

After a while, Kiba begins to stir. He shuffles around in the bed at first and follows that with a deep, pained groan.

"How you feelin'?" I whisper.

He lets out another whimper, scrunching his nose and not even bothering to open his eyes. I stand up and close the blinds. He probably has a nasty as fuck migraine and the sun isn't going to be any help.

"Water?" he asks, extending a hand out from under the blankets as I walk back towards the bed.

I grab the cup I've been using off my nightstand and hand it to him. He drinks it quickly, spilling a little on my bed.

I don't mind, though. At this point, it's far from the worst mess he's made in my bed.

"Sorry," he murmurs. "I mean, uh, for last night… I got fucked up… Well, beyond fucked up…"

He sounds uncomfortable. He probably feels stupid. I'd feel stupid, too. I've never seen him that trashed before. I was starting to worry about him when I began to sober up.

"It's cool," I tell him, even though it's not. "Well… I mean it's okay. I forgive yah."

He scoffs, but it doesn't seem to be directed at me. He's probably just scoffing at himself. "I feel like a fuckin' idiot."

"Well, you were kind of acting like one," I say.

He sneers at me, but he doesn't deny it.

"Let's not drink tonight," I suggest. "I got something else we can do."

Kiba closes his eyes and hands me the water back. "What is it?"

"Well, if you're feeling up to it… I got us a couple pills," I reveal.

"Pills…?" he repeats, questioning what I mean.

"Yeah, ecstasy," I tell him. "Gaara got them for me."

Kiba looks hesitant. "Man, I dunno how I feel about doing hard drugs…"

"It's just a pill," I reason.

"Made of hard drugs," he reiterates.

"So what if it is?" I ask. "Are you really telling me you think you'll get more fucked up on this pill then you did last night guzzling an entire bottle of vodka with Shikamaru?"

Kiba pauses. He seems like he's mulling it over.

"What does it feel like?" he finally asks.

"I don't know," I admit, "I've never taken it before. We can find out together."

Kiba looks annoyed. "You want me to take something with you that you've never even done before?"

"We can do it together," I drawl sweetly.

For a while he doesn't say anything. I can't tell if he's actually considering it. It would be a fucking miracle if he did, especially since he's always on my ass about cocaine.

"Fine," he says after a few more seconds of silence, "Whatever."

"Only if you want to," I add.

"Fine," he says again. "I'll do it." He shifts around in my bed. "Not now, though. I wanna sleep for a bit more…"

He probably needs it desperately. I bet he feels groggy as hell – like total road kill.

"Let me know when you wanna eat," I add, getting back into bed with him.

"Mhm…" he mumbles.

I play around on my phone a bit and then decide to rest my eyes a bit more. It feels good not to be doing anything strenuous because my stomach feels a little uneasy still. I don't want to overexert myself and then not be able to do anything tonight. That would suck.

.

.

After a few more hours of doing nothing, Kiba decides he is okay enough to eat. I get a few slices of toast and some Gatorade for now.

We sit in my bed and get crumbs everywhere, but I couldn't give less of a shit. That kind of thing is just so not on my radar right now. I just want to get something in my stomach so we can get on with our evening.

I finish my food first and wait patiently while Kiba munches on his. In the end, he doesn't end up wanting his crusts so I eat them for him. I could probably still eat more. Maybe we'll order a pizza later if I'm up for it.

I grab the bag of pills off the nightstand and hand one to Kiba. They don't look like anything special, but Gaara isn't the type to pay extra just for something to look fancy.

"I'm kind of nervous." Kiba laughs as he holds the pill between his thumb and index finger. "What if I die or some shit?"

"You won't die." I roll my eyes. "Let's just swallow these things and be done with it."

Kiba shrugs and in unison we both pop the pills, swallowing. I'm careful not to try and let it sit on my tongue for too long because drugs always taste like fucking shit.

"Ew," Kiba mutters after he swallows, taking a few sips of water.

"Yeah," I murmur.

"When will it set in?" he asks.

I can tell he's nervous, but truthfully, I'm not nervous at all. Maybe I should be, but I don't think I have anything to worry about.

"Probably somewhere between thirty minutes to an hour," I tell him.

"What do you wanna do until then?"

I shrug. "Whatever you want, I guess. I'm up for anything. Wanna find a party or watch a movie?"

Kiba looks uneasy. "I don't know…is there a party?"

"There's always a party," I chuckle. "Three of the roommates in the quad downstairs went home for break so I guess the fourth guy opened up the entire thing."

"Is that the place we went at the beginning of the semester?" Kiba asks.

I nod.

"Where I got sick and hogged the bathroom for, like, half an hour?"

I nod again.

He stares at me for a moment, looking contemplative before finally saying. "Yeah, whatever, why the fuck not."

"Sweet," I say. "This time we'll be sure to head upstairs if you think you're going to blow chunks."

"Shut up," Kiba grumbles.

I just snicker to myself. Kiba is pretty good at blowing chunks lately.

A few minutes later, we get our shit together and head out. The music is loud.

"Dance music is shit," Kibs mutters.

"Stop whining," I say. "You'll probably start feelin' the music a lot more once your high kicks in."

"Hm..." he mumbles. "We'll see."

I drag him into the main room and he goes for the liquor right away.

"Man," I warn him. "Try not to drink too much or you'll, like, die tonight."

"Nah, man, I'll be fine!" he insists, waving a dismissive hand at me. "It's just one beer."

If he drinks any more than one I'm going to fake sick and drag him back to my room because the last thing I want is a repeat of last night.

We dick around in the living room for a while, chatting about pointless shit while Kiba makes snide comments about the way people are dancing. After a while he stops though, or maybe I stop listening. I have a lot of nervous energy, like I had too much coffee.

"I have to piss," I tell him, excusing myself quickly and heading for the quad bathroom.

When I finish I go to wash my hands, but as soon as I get them under the warm water I can't help but notice how good it feels.

In fact, it feels amazing. I've never felt anything this good.

I look up at my reflection in the mirror and I'm grinning ear to ear.

Finally I force myself to turn the tap off and head back out to the party. Kiba's right where I left him looking absolutely thrilled.

I guess his high kicked in. I guess mine did, too.

I sit back down with him. Our shoulders are touching and it feels nice – kind of warm and tingly and intense. Kiba gets chatty and forgets about the beer he was drinking it. He leaves it sitting on the table and eventually it gets warm. It looks like he won't be drinking anything tonight and for that I'm pretty damn glad.

I glance around the room. The music is blaring and the lights are dimmed. The entire atmosphere is nice and I feel like I can appreciate it a lot more in my current state of mind. I guess I can thank the drugs for that.

Kiba's pupils are huge. I bet mine are just as big.

I just feel like everything is so…good. Everyone in this room has my back and I'm so happy to go to school with them. We're such a good community

I pull my legs up on the couch and into my chest, leaning my back against the armrest and turning towards Kiba. After a moment he pulls himself into the same position, staring straight at me.

Kiba is such a good friend. I feel like I get him. I can just look at him and I get him. He doesn't even have to say anything.

His feet rub against mine a little, but I don't mind. It's nice to be close to him.

I also don't care that he threw up on me last night. He would help me if I did something like that. It's no big deal—I understand.

"You're the best, man," I tell him. "You're just the best. I'm not even just sayin' that, man, I mean it. You're the best."

"So are yoooou," he says, giving my cheek a little pat. "You're, like, my best friend. I never really had one before."

"Me, neither," I admit. "And I'm not even mad that you puked on me last night."

Kiba gives an exaggerated, whiney groan. "I'm so sorry about that, man… That was so uncool of me."

"Noo, nooo, it's fine," I insist.

After some more mushy talk, I notice that Shikamaru and Chouji are hovering in front of us and have been listening to our conversation.

"How tender," Shikamaru taunts us. "Did we interrupt you two lovebirds? Wanna take it to the bedroom?"

I just laugh. The comments don't even bug me. He just doesn't get it.

"We can go upstairs," Kiba says softly.

"Yeah—so we can talk some more," I finish for him.

Wow. Look at that. Finishing each other's sentences. We really are best friends.

Shikamaru gives us both a funny look, but doesn't say anything else. He just moves out of the way as I get up from the couch and extend my hand to Kiba.

Kiba doesn't even hesitate—he grabs me by the whole arm and pulls himself up. He leans into me heavily but rights himself quickly, still standing puzzle pieced with my body.

I take him by and hand and we walk past Shikamaru and Chouji towards the door. I glance back at them over my shoulder and they both look completely bewildered.

We stay linked together as we head away from the party and back to my room. The music grows fainter by the time we reach my dorm door. I let go of Kiba's hand to unlock the door and we both pile inside.

Sai isn't around, which makes me glad. I don't really want to be around anyone else right now.

Instead of turning the main light on, I turn on the lamp on my nightstand and the room is lit with a dim glow. I get a quilt from my closet and we both sit on my bed, getting comfortable.

"I'm so happy that we ended up on the soccer team together," Kiba says, leaning into my shoulder.

"Me, too," I balance my chin on his forehead, "But you know we've played soccer together for like, ever. We just never talked until this year."

"I know," Kiba drawls, "But I'm happy it happened when it did."

"You are so important to me," I continue.

"You're important to me, too," he says back.

This feels so nice. Kiba never talks to me like this. I feel so damn validated, like every single one of my feelings is being returned. I've never felt like this before. Having a best friend is so fucking cool.

It's nice to be close to someone emotionally. I feel like it's something I lack in a lot of my relationships with people. I feel like I'm such an open person, but most people aren't like that. So, this is nice. Really nice. It's nice to be able to talk to him like this. It's nice to be open, to tell him how I feel and to have him tell me how he feels. It's nice to know we're both on the same page here.

"That means a lot, man," I tell him. "You're always so quiet about that stuff, so I never really knew."

"I know," he admits. "I have a hard time talking about a lot of things, I guess."

"It's okay," I say. "I know I can seem needy."

"You don't seem that way," he insists.

"I want you to know if you ever need to talk—you know, about serious stuff—I'm totally here for you."

"I know," he says meekly.

"I promise I won't even be like, surprised or anything. No matter what it was." I scoot down in bed, Kiba's head getting displaced from my shoulder in the process. "I mean I'll take it calmly or whatever if that's what you need. Like if you're having a bad day and just freaking out or something, you can just tell me and I'll help you work it out."

"Yeah, that'd be good." He readjusts to be lying next to me, facing the ceiling.

I leave it at that. I'm happy as long as Kiba knows I'm here to support him.

It still might take him a while to actually start talking to me about whatever has been plaguing him lately, but it's okay. He'll talk when he's ready to talk. Until then, I'll wait.

I roll over and stare at him. He rolls over and stares back before adding, "Thanks."

"Sure," I respond with a lazy smile.

I inch a little closer until our noses are nearly touching. When he doesn't push me away, I close the gap between our faces and touch my lips to his. It's probably the drugs, but it felt like the thing to do.

"What was that for?" he asks when I pull away. His eyes are closed, but he opens them a moment later.

"Dunno," I admit. "Just wanted to, I guess."

"Do it again," he says, staring at me.

So I do. This time he kisses me too. Once. Twice. I'm never getting them back—I'm giving them to my best friend.

Suddenly, I'm everywhere up his shirt and he's knotting his hands into mine as I gather him up against me.

Every kiss in my life up until now has been wrong.

I feel like I'm being given a present. All wrapped up, shiny, and new.

Has Kiba ever even kissed anyone before? I don't have any fucking clue. He's never talked to me about that. I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't.

"Tell me if you want me to stop," I manage to gasp out but he kisses me again and breathes the word " _no_ " into my mouth.

I know he's slept with a couple girls before, but he never dated one before. Sometimes kissing doesn't happen during awkward hook-ups. I've had that happen a few times. I've fucked girls that I haven't kissed. I never kissed Gaara, either. Sometimes it just doesn't happen and you don't really think it's weird until you realize it after the fact. Then the whole experience feels kind of fucked up. But this doesn't feel fucked up. This feels all right. Nice, in fact.

The way Kiba kisses makes me think he doesn't have very much experience with it. It's endearing, though.

I grab his thigh, pulling his leg over mine and rolling over until he is on top of me. Our chests are pressed together and I can feel his heart.

Even with his body up against mine I can't get close enough. I feel like there are miles between us. I want to be so close it hurts. I want to collide with him.

It feels as though my hands are melting into his flesh as I fuss around underneath his shirt. I don't know if I'd ever be able to let go even if I wanted to. I can't tell where my body ends and his begins.

It's like I'm trying to reach the bottom of the ocean but have to keep coming back up for air. I'm going deeper and deeper to try and find what I'm looking for.

My mind starts drifting towards a dirtier and far less innocent place. I start thinking about fucking him. I don't even know why. He's not even the type of guy I thought I'd go for, but fuck, I want to do him. The thought won't get out of my head, so when he pulls away, I decide to proposition him. This seems pretty forward of me, but I am a pretty forward person, so maybe he won't be so shocked.

"This is gonna sound fuckin' weird," I start, "but wanna, like, mess around or something?"

"Isn't that kind of what we're doing here?" Kiba asks, probably not quite sure where I'm going with this.

Kiba REALLY isn't the kind of guy I thought I would go for, but I want to mess around with him a little more. He is good looking. It would probably feel easy. And maybe I'd regret it, but I'm not really thinking about that possibility right now.

"I mean, let's do something more," I explain.

When I think he's about to get scared off, he doesn't. Instead, presses his lips together for a moment and then says, "Yeah… okay."

He rolls off of me and, in mutually silent consent, we both undress. The whole thing seems almost unceremonious. This definitely isn't where I thought the night would lead, but I am kind of glad it is turning out this way. It all feels a bit surreal.

I stand up and fling my clothes off, watching him do the same. He sits up and tosses his t-shirt aside before lying back down, lifting his hips and dragging down his pants and shorts.

When we're both stark nude, I re-join him on the bed. At first, we just give each other awkward handjobs, but I want more. I feel like I can't stop reaching deeper and deeper. What am I searching for? Am I even searching for anything?

"Hey, can I try something?" I ask him quietly.

"Uh… yeah," he says, sounding somewhat unsure as to where I'm going with this.

I shift, moving between his legs and going down on him. After what feels like some minutes, I stop and raise my head. "Am I bad at this?" I ask him, since I kind of feel like it.

"No," he says, perching himself up on his elbows so he can look at me. "You just seemed kind of new."

"I haven't done it before."

He shrugs. "Then that's why. Far from the worst blowjob I've had, though." He pauses and then asks, "Want me to return the favour?"

"I didn't even get you off yet," I point out. "Wanna fuck instead?" I pause. "I wanna fuck you."

I honestly do. I've been thinking about that for a while – since we started making out. Maybe even before that. Maybe since we were at the party just talking about shit.

"Oh, uh…" he trails off, pausing, almost like he's mulling it over. "Shit, yeah, I guess so."

I kneel, reaching over him and into my nightstand drawer. I grab a condom and then I grab lube – things I haven't touched in what feels like a long damn time. I guess it's been a while since I've been laid. I can barely count what happened with Gaara, but damn, maybe I really am gay. I honestly don't know anymore. They're thoughts for later, though.

I try to get Kiba used to it. I try to be slow and careful and all that shit, but he keeps dropping the F-bomb.

"Fuck…. _fuck_ …"

I ask him if he wants me to stop, but he just shakes his head. His eyes are closed and his brows are drawn together, almost like he's concentrating on something. It's kind of how he looks when he's annoyed, even though that isn't the case right now.

Every place our skin meets feels hot and tingly – even the innocent touches, like where my hands are grabbing his shoulders and where the back of his thighs rest against my hips.

He throws a palm over his mouth and he emits poorly stifled moans. His shaggy hair is splayed all over my pillow and his body lurches each time I drive into him. It's weird seeing him like this, touching him in places I never even thought I'd get to see – places I never thought I'd WANT to see.

But here we are.

.

.

And that's how I end up fucking my best friend. It feels like it takes us forever. Probably because drugs mess around with your dick and make it hard to cum, but when we finally do manage to orgasm, it immediately feels like we did something we shouldn't have done. I stare down at Kiba. He looks like he's in his own head over something. I don't know what.

When the deed is done, I dispose of the condom and we both lie side by side. "Did it hurt?" I ask him.

"A bit, I guess…" he admits. "Dunno. It felt weird."

"In a bad way?" I wonder.

"No," he murmurs. He reaches for a tissue and wipes his stomach off, not saying anything more. I watch him for a minute, but I can't think of anything to say. Nothing seems good enough.

We fall quiet and all I can think about is the fact that I'll have to wash the sheets. Again.

It's uncomfortable, so I try to get myself go to sleep. I'm still rolling a little so it's hard, but over the course of the next half hour lying in bed and staring at my alarm clock I come down. I doze off several times but every couple hours or so I'm awakened by Kiba adjusting his sleeping position, yanking the blankets, whatever the fuck else you can do to wake someone else up when you're trying to rest. He doesn't seem like he's sleeping at all.

.

.

When morning finally rolls around I feel like utter garbage. I just feel…bad. I don't know if it's because of the drugs or lack of sleep. Probably both.

Neither one of us says anything even though we are both awake. I glance at the clock. It's nearing 7AM.

Kiba crawls over me and gets out of bed. We're still both stark nude. I watch him throw his clothes on - the same sweats and shirt he had on yesterday - and then he throws the rest of his things into his bag, zipping it up.

I sit up and say his name, "Kiba, what are you doing?"

"I need to go home," he says, sounding like he is in some sort of hazy daze.

I raise an eyebrow at that. "Why? It's early as fuck. What are you going to tell your parents?"

"I'll think of something," he insists.

I have no idea why he is leaving. Does he feel sick? Or maybe he just feels weird about the fact that I literally had my dick in his ass some hours ago. I don't feel that weird about it, truth be told, but I know Kiba is different and he might be totally freaked.

"Dude, if this is about last night—do you want to talk?" I ask gingerly. I'm trying to tread lightly. I don't want to turn this into a bigger deal than it really is.

"I don't want to talk," he spits back, refusing to look directly at me.

"We don't need to turn this into a whole big issue," I continue. "We were both really drugged up and had a fun time. It doesn't have to mean anything."

"I told you I don't want to talk to you about it," he repeats.

He looks angry as fuck. I don't even know what to say to him.

"Fine, shit," I mutter, not really seeing what the big deal is.

I get out of bed as he is fumbling to find all his shit. I throw my clothes on as well as he grabs his cell phone from amidst the bed covers. He pockets it angrily, slips his sneakers on and then hoists his bag over his shoulder.

"I'm going," he mutters, swinging the door open and leaving in a huff. I don't bother trying to follow after him. Jeez. I should have expected something like this. I don't know which part of last night he is pissier at - the fact that we actually had sex or the fact that he shared some of his feelings with me. It could be either, knowing Kiba.

I sit on my bed and sigh. I need to grab my shit from the laundry room and put in a new load now, I guess.

This fucking sucks, especially because I felt like I was actually getting somewhere with Kiba last night. I mean yeah, we had sex, I guess that's getting somewhere, but I mean emotionally.

It was fucking awesome to hear him tell me that I was important to him—why don't we do that kind of shit all the time?

Maybe he's so upset because he wishes he didn't say those things to me, but whatever. He did say it and he can't take it back now. Now I know.

It's too bad we had to go and ruin it with whatever the fuck came over us that made us start kissing. That was a crappy idea.

He probably needs some time to cool down and mull shit over.

Ugh, this sucks. I am the most impatient person ever. I just want things to be okay between us.

I put on my slippers and head down the hall after balling my sheets together and throwing them in a basket.

In the laundry room, the load I put on yesterday morning is still there. I'm surprised no one tossed it onto the floor yet since there are so many assholes around.

I take them out and put my other sheets in, examining what I just took out. The puke seems to be gone, which is good.

Well, all I know is that I'm never fucking doing E again.


	8. Chapter 8: Kiba

Kiba's POV

I walk down the hall as fast as my body will let me. I feel like I can't breathe—I need to get the fuck out of this building.

As much as I hate to admit it, Naruto's right. I can't go home yet. My parents will start asking about how the vet clinic has been going and where I've been the past couple days, but I don't have the emotional capacity to sit down straight-faced and lie to them right now.

It's fine, though. I'll sit in my car. I'll calm down for a while and then at eight when my mom goes to work I'll go home and sleep. I'll pretend to sleep all fucking day if I have to.

Rushing down the flights of stairs with my duffle bag over my shoulder, I accidentally bump into Hinata on the second floor.

"Shit...!" I exclaim, grabbing her shoulders to steady her. "Sorry..." I add, letting her go.

"Oh!" she says. "Kiba! It's okay. Where are you heading in such a rush?"

"Ah..." I start, trying to come up with some sort of lie but my mind is still too fuzzy. "Home, I guess..."

She tilts her head to the side. "Why? Aren't you staying with Naruto this week? It's only Monday."

"Yeah, we had an argument," I tell her. It's a slight fib, but I don't really want to share all the details with her. I'm not that close with Hinata.

She seems to sense I'm lying, but she doesn't pry. "Oh no," she sympathizes. "Hopefully you get it sorted out."

"We will, probably," I say with a shrug, but thinking about it makes me feel weird - kind of ashamed and humiliated. I can't explain it.

I'm about to continue on my way, but she stops me again.

"Um...!"

I glance at her. "Huh?"

"If you ever want to talk..." she trails off.

God, she sounds like Naruto.

I force a smile, but it probably looks totally dreary. "Thanks," I say before rushing off.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

As I make my way to my car parked in the lot behind the dorms I start to get tunnel vision. When I finally get there I shakily unlock the door, sitting down in the driver's seat and pressing my forehead against the steering wheel. I take a few deep breaths, telling myself to calm down.

I'm dizzy as fuck and if I don't calm down I think I might throw up.

Why did Naruto and I do that? What the hell were we thinking?

Everything about last night was bad. I shouldn't have said any of those things. I shouldn't have done any of those things.

That's it—that's fucking it. Nothing is going to be the same ever again. I fucked it up. I should have just stayed home.

I take a deep breath, swallowing the lump in my throat for now. I need to drive home. If I'm lucky, my parents won't be there yet. They're probably at work. I don't even give a fuck. I'll come up with something. I'll tell them I had some down time and decided to come home. Whatever works.

I head home, trying to keep myself focused on the drive. My eyes keep glazing over, which is bad, but soon enough I'm pulling into my empty driveway.

I keep my shit in the trunk of my car and head straight inside, unlocking the door. No one seems to be home, thank fuck. I kick off my sneakers and head upstairs. I debate on showering, but I'm tired. I move into my dark room, not bothering to turn the lights on. I close the door and crawl into my bed, burrowing deep beneath the comforter.

I can't stop shaking. I don't even know what's making me shake. It's like I'm nervous or afraid of something. I don't want to think about anything, but things keep popping into my head. Bad things. Things I try to keep buried deep.

My throat tightens and my eyes begin leaking. I guess this is it. I grab a fistful of my bed sheets and push my face into them.

I hate this. It's fucking miserable and embarrassing as hell. It doesn't matter that no one else is home. I want to just turn it off.

This is complete and utter garbage. My brain is fucking trash. I should be able to compartmentalize and move on—but I can't. One thing after another reminds me and there it all is again in the forefront of my mind.

I shouldn't have taken those drugs. It was a piss poor decision. My parents were right, doing shit like that makes me act crazy and then I feel even worse than usual later. So what if going about my boring, scheduled life doesn't make me feel great—at least it never makes things this bad.

I screwed myself over big time. I don't even fucking like drugs. In fact, I hate them. I don't know what made me decide to do something like E.

I kind of get why my parents treat me like a baby. I probably fucking need it. I'm so unstable.

I want to be asleep. It's only nearing 8AM, so it should be easy for me to fall back to sleep, but it's not. My mind keeps racing around.

My parents are probably on their way to work now. They won't be home until a little after five, so at least I will be alone until then. I'm not looking forward to lying to them. Hopefully they'll believe what I have to say.

I roll onto my bed, bringing a hand up to swipe at my eyes. God, they won't stop fucking leaking.

"Stop crying," I whisper to myself.

I don't even want to be alive right now. This is so, so fucking pathetic.

I force my eyes closed again. It's fucking dark buried underneath my blankets and I can't even tell that it's daylight out.

Every time a bad thought pops up I do my best push it back down.

If I keep my eyes shut and lay perfectly still, I'll have to pass out eventually.

.

.

When I finally wake up I'm sweaty as fuck and have literally no concept of what time it is because I'm still tucked down at the bottom of my bed.

I untangle myself from the sheets and slowly emerge, grasping around on my bedside table for my phone.

Squinting at the screen as it illuminates, I see that it's quarter past seven.

Fuck, I didn't mean to sleep for that long. My parents are probably already home.

I decide not to move for a while – for I don't know how long. Soon enough, though, my mom pops into the room. I lie down and pretend to be asleep again, but I think she knows I'm not.

"Kiba?"

"Mm?" I mumble groggily.

"Why are you home?" she asks. "I thought you were doing something through your program?"

"I am, but I have some downtime," I tell her. "I pretty much finished early. So, I decided to come home instead of bumming around. I missed my bed."

"Are you going to be around tomorrow?"

"Yeah," I say.

"Great," she responds, clapping her hands together. "We're going to a family barbeque tomorrow. You can tag along."

"Where…?" I ask slowly.

"Your uncle Gaku's house," she says and I want to fucking pitch a fit.

"Actually, I'm busy tomorrow," I try to argue.

"Ah, ah, ah," she cuts in, waving a finger. "Too late for that, Kiba. You're coming."

For fuck's sake! It's one thing after another. I can't seem to catch a fucking break.

"Fine," I mumble.

She puts a hand on my head and starts moving her fingers through my hair. "You could really use a haircut."

"My hair looks better like this," I tell her. "It's not even that long…"

She hates my hair when it gets shaggy, but I look stupid with a buzz cut. She needs to stop bugging me about it.

"I like it shorter," she states simply.

Well I guess that's that.

"We can go get it cut sometime if you care that much about it."

With that she looks satisfied, taking her leave from my room.

"Oh, we're about to have dinner. Wake yourself up and come eat with us." She tells me once she reaches the doorframe, "Your father and I want to hear about your weekend."

Ugh. The job.

I take my time getting out of bed. I don't bother changing even though I look like shit because I guess it makes sense if I've been up late working nights.

I'm so frustrated that they keep pushing me to do family shit. Seeing them all tomorrow is the last thing I want to do. I have enough stress in my life.

I check my phone again and see that Naruto texted and called me several times while I was asleep. I won't bother replying. He needs to learn how to take a fucking hint.

When I get downstairs, I lie with surprising amounts of ease. I guess it's because I feel so desperate. After they are finished prying, they get me to eat some leftovers. My stomach is pretty empty, so it's probably a good thing. They continue chattering as I finish my plate.

After eating, I decide to shower. I feel kind of gross.

When I am in the bathroom, I turn the taps on and undress, getting in. I want to take a long ass shower, but I know that if I do my parents will come and check on me. God, I fucking hate that.

I sit on the tiled floor for a few minutes after washing my hair and soaping myself thoroughly. It's warm. I don't want to move yet.

I still can't believe Naruto and I had sex.

I don't…I mean, I'm not…

My thoughts are all a jumble in my head.

It's disgusting. My skin is fucking crawling. I'm not bothered Naruto specifically or the fact that we hooked up even—I just feel repulsed by myself. I shouldn't have taken those drugs. I can't believe I let myself be so vulnerable. It can't ever happen again.

When I eventually stand up and turn the water off, I don't feel any better.

I slept all day so now I'm not tired but all I want is to be fucking dead to the world.

Tomorrow is going to be miserable. Family get-togethers are the worst. I'll just have to power through it and hope that after this there's nothing for a while.

I towel off and throw clean clothes on. My skin is still fucking crawling. I want to fucking throw up. I literally feel it in my stomach, ready to come up.

I put a palm over my abdomen, trying to will myself to calm down. I'm making myself fucking nauseous. I feel like I'm going to cry again, but crying is kind of pointless. It won't change what happened. I can't magically jump into yesterday and undo what we did.

I finally open the bathroom door and my Dad is standing there, looking like he was waiting for me.

"You look upset," he says. "Are you all right?"

"Yes," I seethe. "You don't always need to come fucking check on me! I know how to shower!"

His jaw tightens. "Language. We didn't raise you to talk like that."

I want to scream. All I want is to be left alone right now. At this rate I would have had better luck just kicking Naruto out of his own fucking room for the day.

"I'm sorry," I bite out, "I'm just tired from working so much the past few days."

"You just slept all day," my dad points out.

"Okay, well, my head is just messed up from being up all night," I say, trying to justify myself.

He just stares at me disapprovingly, arms crossed. I feel like a child being chastised. It's embarrassing and I fucking hate it.

I don't know why he's giving me a hard time. He thinks I just spent the entire weekend working to further my career, so he should be proud of me. I can't even imagine what he would think if he actually knew what I was doing.

Nothing is ever good enough for them.

Even if I push myself to the brink, they still want more from me. I can't fucking deal with it.

I grumble and walk past him. I'm not in the mood for this. Honestly, I want to go into my room and sleep. I doubt I'll be able to, though. I feel rested, physically, in a sense… I still feel tired, but I don't feel tired in a way where I need sleep. I can't really explain it.

I move into my room, closing the door behind me and flopping onto my bed for a bit. Then I remember I have to brush my fucking teeth. Ugh.

I lie still for a few minutes. I guess it doesn't matter. It's not like I'll be sleeping any time soon. I'll just lie here.

After a while, I drag myself back down the hall to the bathroom. My dad seems to have disappeared downstairs and my mom is probably with them. I brush my teeth and then slip back to my room without being bothered, thank god. I don't think I could have handled it.

I hunker down in bed and check my phone before plugging it in to charge for the night. I have a few more messages from Naruto that were sent earlier in the evening, all of which have a different variation of "are you okay?" written into them.

I don't feel like dealing with him, but I'm starting to feel guilty. I quickly tap out "don't worry" and hit send, then proceeding to turn my phone off before Naruto has the chance to try and call me now that I'm finally responding.

That's the last thing I need right now. First thing is first – I need to get tomorrow out of the way.

.

.

After a shitty, sleepless night, it is 10AM. I didn't fall asleep until around 7AM probably. It was a slow night. My parents wake me up and tell me to get ready for the day. They make me breakfast and ask me a little more about my school work. I tell them I need to do homework around noon and I spend the rest of the day messing around on the internet, looking for distractions. I read the news, I read some random informative articles, I play some games.

Soon, it is 4PM and my parents tell me we need to head to the barbeque.

I really don't want to. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY don't want to.

Honestly, I would rather die.

Nevertheless, I climb into the backseat of our car without putting up much of a fuss, my hands full of a plate of ready-to-grill vegetable kebabs my mom made to share. I really don't know why she goes through the trouble.

I'm silent for the majority of the ride, responding only briefly to every other comment my mom makes about how "it's such a nice day for everyone to get together."

It would be a lot nicer to never get together in my opinion.

The entire way I find myself wishing for a flat tire, a road closure, just about anything to keep us from getting there but of course we arrive right on time.

No luck.

Soon, we're pulling into the driveway. There are a lot of cars. Great. This is going to suck ass. Upon seeing the person I hate, I'll have to see all these boring old people. They'll ask me what I'm studying, what my career goal is, if I have a girlfriend… All the shit I don't want to talk about right now.

I get out of the car, following my parents to the front door. I guess I look sour because my parents tell me to smile. I physically can't, though.

My mom takes the tray of kebabs from me, probably thinking I'll smash it or something. I wouldn't do that. Not on purpose, at least.

My parents knock before opening the door and announcing their arrival by shouting. They are answered by shouts coming from the back of the house. The kitchen is bustling. I see some of my little cousins sitting at the table playing some stupid looking board game.

The veranda doors are open and I can see my uncle in front of the barbeque.

We head out into the backyard and towards Gaku. I don't really want to socialize, but I need to stay close to my parents so I'll have to suck it up. People will want to hear about my "vet work" but maybe I can play the whole thing down if I start out talking about how exhausted I am from it.

"How's it going?" My dad greets his brother and I stay off to the side with my mom. She sets down the kebabs on the patio table and gives the grill a quick once over. She's probably trying to make sure my uncle isn't overcooking the meat.

I look around the backyard and don't see my aunt or Hiro. It's a relief, but I know they're still here somewhere—probably inside the house.

I glance back to my mom who has turned her gaze away from the grill and is now staring at me. She gives me a disapproving look. It's subtle, but I can tell. She knows who I'm searching for.

It makes me wonder what she's thinking. I don't want to know what she's thinking. She's probably thinking bad things about me. She's probably silently telling me to drop it, to let it go, to chill the fuck out. She's telling me not to start shit today.

My heart is drumming in my chest. I can feel it. I can pretty much hear it, even amongst all the noise. I wonder if I look as anxious as I feel. I hope not. I don't want people to assume anything. I don't even want anyone to look at me because I know what they will be thinking about as soon as they do.

It's embarrassing. I'm such a fucking joke.

"Kiba," my mom starts.

"Mm?" I mumble.

"Try to have fun today," she says, but it sounds more like a demand.

I don't want to take it personally when she talks to me that way, but it's hard not to. I feel like a burden that she just wants to forget about, which is probably because it's fucking true. No one wants to think about this crap. No one wants to think about me. They just want everything to be neat, tidy, and simple.

Nothing about me is neat, tidy, or simple though. Nothing that goes on in my fucking head is any of those things.

"Okay," I say finally, nodding my head.

I want to be able to have fun today, I really do, but it feels impossible when I have to be on my toes all the time.

I try not to glance around. I try not to look like I'm searching for trouble. I'm honestly not. I'm not trying to stir the pot. I'm not trying to ruin everyone's day. I'm not trying to make this about me. I'm just trying to keep myself calm.

I sit on a bench with a few of my baby cousins. They're coloring in coloring books now. They chatter to me like they haven't a care in the world. I think back to when I was that age. God, that's around when it all started to get fucked up. It makes me depressed. I don't want to think about these things.

My cousins show me what they're coloring. I force a smile and nod along as they flip the pages, all showing me their art work.

"Those are really great, guys," I say.

The compliment is half-hearted as hell, but none of them really notice.

They all seem so excited that they get to spend time with one another. The way they bumble around together is cute as hell honestly. I used to be cute as hell, too.

I'm pretty sure I'm the only one in the entire family who doesn't like these things. It's a fuck ton of pressure to put on a happy face and not ruin it for everyone else.

"I'll be right back guys," I tell the whole group, standing up from the bench. "I have to use the bathroom."

I wander inside and through the living room down the hall. I know how to find everything here—I spent a lot of time in this house as a kid.

I head away from everyone and turn down the hallway. Hiro's door is open. I glance inside, not expecting to see him there, but there he is. He's sitting on his bed. He immediately looks up and stares at me.

"Hey there," he says.

I am quick to glance away. I move further down the hall until I reach the end. I push open the bathroom door and close it behind me. Then I lock it because there are actually locks in this house. They're weird to me, almost like a foreign concept.

When I'm done taking care of business, I wash my hands and as soon as I open the door Hiro is standing there. I nearly jump out of my skin. I guess I look startled, because he starts to laugh like he thinks my reaction is fuckin' hilarious.

"Move," I say, choking the word out.

He leans forward. "Make me."

"Move!" I repeat, this time more forcefully.

When he doesn't, I push forward through his blockade. My adrenaline is pumping and my heart beats hard and fast. He can't corner me if I don't let him. I'm just as strong as he is. All I have to do is walk away.

Just as I pass him, however, I'm stopped short of my getaway as Hiro grabs me by the forearm.

I spin around, staring him straight in the eyes.

He stares back at me and for a second neither of us do anything.

Then he smirks and gives me that look, and I punch him square in the chest.

He keels over and I run back down the hallway and out onto the veranda. I glance around until I find my mom. By now, she's manning the barbeque. There are trays full of food out on the tables. Everyone will start digging in soon. My mom is cooking her kebabs now.

I debate on standing with her, but I don't. Instead, I sit back down with my cousins. I watch the door for a few minutes, but I don't see Hiro.

I still feel jolted. I try to calm down.

Soon, the food is all done and everyone sits down to eat. Hiro finally appears, shooting me a sneer. I pretend not to notice. I don't eat much. I can't really stomach anything right now.

Time seems to slow down. A lot.

When I'm done eating, I stay seated for a while. When one of my little cousins gets up, Hiro takes his seat.

"Fuck off," I tell him wearily.

"That was rude," he says bitingly, rubbing the spot on his chest when I hit him. "When'd you get so tough?"

His tone is so antagonistic it's almost physically painful to hear. It's stirring up memories—memories I don't want to deal with right now.

"Please leave me alone." I prop my elbows up on the table, putting my head in my hands.

"I was just trying to say hi," Hiro continues. "We never see each other anymore."

"I wonder why the fuck that is." I force a fake, bitter laugh.

"Aw," he muses, "But you're my favorite cousin."

I can't listen to this anymore. I think I might actually throw up.

I get up and begin to walk off, but he wraps my wrist. I yank myself out of his hold and begin to wander inside. He follows and before I can make it inside, I turn around and shove him as hard as I can.

"Fuck off!" I snap.

He doesn't. He barely wavers. I hit him again. This time, in the face. He doesn't hesitate to retaliate a split second later and everything goes quiet.

I put a palm on my cheek. It stings. Everyone looks my way. I swallow, glancing around at all the faces eying me. They're all staring. My parents are staring. My uncle is staring. His wife is staring. My little cousins are staring.

I take a string of breaths. I feel like I'm having some sort of attack. I want them to stop staring.

What are they thinking right now? Bad things about me probably.

Hopefully bad things about Hiro, too, though.

No one says anything, they just watch us—probably wondering what we'll do next.

My ears start to burn and I stare down at my feet. This is a mess. This is a big fucking mess.

Tears start to leak out, which only makes the situation about a million times worse, but I can't keep them in. I bring a hand up over my mouth to try and stifle the sob that's rising in my throat. What's the point of trying to keep all these god awful feelings buried if they just come back up at times like this?

I can literally feel Hiro's gaze burning holes in me. I wonder if he's satisfied now.

He probably is satisfied. He's so fucking twisted.

I sink to the ground and start crying openly. I can't fucking help it. I press the palms of my hands into my eyes. Now that the waterworks have started they won't be stopping for a while.

No one moves. It's quiet. I can feel everyone staring at me. I doubt any of them know what the fuck to do. They're all probably uncomfortable because the skeleton in the closet just came out.

Well, it's Hiro's fault. I didn't ask for any of this. He's the one who started it and he just keeps dishing it. Any person would snap. I'm at my breaking point. I feel like all of this was inevitable.

Hiro scoffs loudly. He's feeling self-righteous. He doesn't think he did anything wrong—he never thinks he did anything wrong.

"Kiba." My mother's voice is the next thing I hear, but she doesn't sound sweet or comforting like I want her to. She places a hand firmly on my shoulder. "Get up."

This isn't over—I want this to be over—but it's no use. I stand up slowly and turn towards her. I'm still crying.

She looks mad. She's probably upset that I caused a scene.

My dad is standing behind her with his arms crossed, but he's not looking at me, he's looking at Hiro.

My mom grabs my upper arm tightly and drags me into the house and back out through the front door. My dad exchanges some words with my uncle before following. I don't know what they were talking about. My dad was probably apologizing. He shouldn't fucking apologize. That makes me want to fucking throw up.

When we're at our car, my mom tells me to get in. I do, sitting in the back. I sniffle, swiping at my eyes before putting on my seatbelt. My dad gets in the car and we leave.

I'm glad we're leaving, but I'm not looking forward to getting roasted. I probably embarrassed them. If they didn't want this to happen, they shouldn't have fucking brought me here.

I stare out the window, watching the houses pass. My eyes keep glazing over and everything becomes a blurry mess.

We all sit in silence for a while, but every now and then my mom glances back over her shoulder at me like she's trying to figure out what to say.

"Kiba," she says finally as we pull up into the driveway of our house, "Why did you do that?"

It's fucking unbelievable that after all this they're still blaming me. None of this is my fault.

"I didn't do anything," I say firmly, opening the car door and getting out.

Once we're inside the conversation continues. My mom finds a seat on the couch and my dad tell her that he'll make her a drink in the kitchen. He looks emotionally dead.

I stay standing. I just want to go to my room and be left alone.

"That was completely unacceptable," she tells me, pointing to the chair across from her in an effort to get me to sit down.

I don't feel like sitting, though. I'm too worked up. I'm still half-crying. I probably look like a fuckin' mess, but I'm seriously losing it this time.

"Why!" I shout. "WHY was it unacceptable? You know what's unacceptable? You dragging me around to these fucking family gatherings and having that stupid asshole over here all the time! I HATE him!"

"He's your cousin," she points out.

"Exactly," I spit out shakily. "He's my COUSIN!"

I swipe at my eyes some more. This feels so hopeless. My mom looks so stone cold. It hurts. She doesn't seem to care, though. That makes it hurt even worse.

What do I do? What do I do to make them understand? I feel like I can't do anything.

"Why did you hit him?" she asks. It's just another version of what she asked in the car.

"He grabbed me," I tell her truthfully. I shouldn't have to say anything past that. It's as bad as it sounds. He shouldn't be grabbing me—he shouldn't be touching me at all. He should be stayed far the fuck away.

She gives me an incredulous look. "You're making mountains out of molehills Kiba. He didn't grab you. I was watching."

"Oh because you've been so good at watching in the past?" I spit back at her. It comes out bitter. Good. If she wasn't my mother I'd probably punch her, too.

"Kiba," she says warningly. She doesn't want me to go there. No one ever wants me to go there.

It's not fucking fair. I can't keep living like this. I feel like I'm suffocating and all they do is make it worse. I've never gotten over it. I never had the chance to.

Fuck this.

I'm so damn sick of it.

I force out an incredibly bitter laugh even though I'm still crying. God, I must look fucking crazy. "Yeah, okay," I say, shaking with anger. "Yeah, let's just keep pretending that he didn't fucking rape me when I was a kid. Sure. Yeah. Let's keep playing happy fucking family."

My parents wince because I said it. The "R" word. They know it. I know it. Our whole fucking family knows it. For a moment, it's completely quiet. They don't know what to say to combat it, but they probably fucking want to.

I don't have anything else to say to them so I spin around and leave the room. I stomp up the stairs and slam my bedroom door as hard as I fucking can.

No one will bother me. My dad will finish making the drinks and they'll sit together at the kitchen table and chat about the nice part of the night. Maybe they'll call Gaku to apologize for a second time. Hell, maybe if they're really feeling embarrassed they'll call the rest of our relatives and say sorry our son's such a crazy asshole, it's just that we helped him develop absolutely no coping skills because we refuse to talk to him about or keep him safe from his dick of an older cousin who abused him for his entire childhood because we're obsessed with sweeping things under the rug. Everyone will say it's fine and not to worry. They'll say they hope to see me next time, even though no one really means it.

Then Hiro will get to go on living his life as usual—with absolutely no consequences.


	9. Chapter 9: Sasuke

**Sasuke's POV**

I did shit on my exams. I feel like I should care more than I do, but I mostly just expected it.

I spent most of spring break sleeping. I didn't feel like being awake. To be awake, you need to be aware. I didn't want to be aware, either. So, I slept. I slept and slept and slept. Even when I wasn't sleeping, I pretty much felt like I was. I was numb. I still am. It feels weird. Nothing feels quite real. I feel like I keep stepping outside of myself and then I glance back in and I'm like, "Right, this is my life."

I wish this wasn't my life. I wish I could go back to the start of the term. I wouldn't drink at all. I really screwed my life up. I feel like I had this coming. I wonder if people would agree. I know people think I'm cold and callous and stuck up.

I'm really spiralling downward. I never thought I'd fall this far. School used to be something I was good at. I liked to study. I knew what I wanted. Now I am not sure of anything. My marks are suffering hard. I barely passed, but I managed to scrape by.

My parents are going to lose their minds if I don't get my grades up by the end of the semester. I'm lucky that in college they don't do quarterly report cards like we had in high school—it gives me a little more time to figure things out. They'll ask for an update soon, but I might be able to weasel out of it if I say that my professors are slackers and evaluations aren't posted yet.

Speaking of, all of my professors are confused. They know I'm not giving them my best work but none of them know why. They keep offering for me to come by during office hours and talk but I just can't get myself to go. Instead I just keep not doing the work—not studying—not showing up to class.

I feel like such a fucking joke. It's upsetting. I can't even look at myself anymore.

I'm in my room now. I should be doing homework, but I'm not. I'm just sitting here doing nothing. I'm in a daze. I have assignments that need to get finished, but they will probably just sit there until the night before they are due. Then I'll half-ass them like I've been doing with all my assignments.

I lie down in my bed, grabbing my phone from my nightstand. I open it and read my text messages. I have a few from Karin, per usual. She keeps asking me if I'm okay, if I ate, if I went to class, if I fucking showered. She knows something is up, but she doesn't know what and I'm not about to tell her. I can't. I can't tell anyone. I'll fucking die.

Still, she keeps checking on me. I kind of wish she would leave me alone because I can tell she's starting to feel like she's close, which she's not. I guess I should consider myself lucky to have a friend who's so patient though.

I roll over, staring out the window. The weather is nice—in fact, it has been all break. I didn't go out much though. It's hard for me to leave my room unless it's for something absolutely necessary.

I'm still so scared I'm going to run into him—whoever he is.

Mostly I am spending time alone, but whenever I need to go somewhere I call Karin. I ask her if she wants to come with me. I play it off like I'm busy and I'm trying to turn my errands into social time. She seems to buy it, at least a little bit.

I'm trying not to be a shitty friend. I know I have been in the past. I don't want to be isolated – not now. I feel like if I am completely alone, everything will become worse. I know I don't actually talk to my friends, but I like to know that they are there at least.

I reply to Karin's text. She wants to know if I want to hang out and do homework together. I tell her I don't feel like going anywhere, but she can swing by my room if she wants. It's an empty offer, but knowing her she will accept it anyway. Maybe her presence will motivate me to actually do some work.

I set my phone beside me and roll over, staring up at the ceiling for a few minutes before closing my eyes. Fuck, I'm tired. Tired of everything.

About ten minutes later, there's a tap at my door. I have to drag myself out of bed to answer it. I changed back into my pajamas after class and probably look like shit, but I don't care.

Karin's standing in the hallway smiling. She looks happy to see me, and I feel guilty that I can't muster the same gusto. I'm lucky to have such good friends.

I let her in and she sets up on the floor, spreading her books out over my carpet. I grab my laptop and a notebook off my desk and sit down next to her.

"So," she starts, not missing a beat, "How are things?"

"Things are fine," I reply, trying to be nonchalant.

I grab my laptop and sit down with her.

"Yeah?" she pries, flipping open a textbook.

"Yeah," I say simply.

She drops it for now. "Wanna help me with statistics?"

I shrug. "I guess, but I thought you were all right with math?"

"No way," she insists. "I totally suck!"

I don't know if she is being honest. It might be an excuse. Maybe she is trying to distract me. I'll take it, I guess.

"All right..." I say. "We can do it together."

We're in the class together. Honestly, I just haven't been doing the assignments. I get it; I just can't make the effort. Maybe this will motivate me to hand something in. Finally.

"Great," Karin says, clapping her hands together.

So we do the math sheets. They're so easy I'm sure she gets it, nonetheless she asks me questions.

"How did you do on your midterms, by the way?" she asks when we are finished.

"Okay..." I shrug.

She rolls her eyes. "What did you get? Straight A's? You're too hard on yourself."

Ha... Hardly.

"I could have done…better," I admit half-heartedly.

Maybe if she thinks I'm just upset about my grades she'll finally let all this weird behavior slide.

"Wait you're being serious?" Karin asks. "Usually that kind of thing goes so smoothly for you."

Yeah, usually.

Karin's right though, I did really well in high school. I even did really well last semester. It's because I'm good at self-discipline, but I just can't seem to keep it together right now.

"Is it really bad?" she pries further. I can tell she wants to know if I passed.

"It's not great." I continue, "But I'm not failing."

"Well that's good." Karin sounds relieved. She probably knows my parents would kick my ass if I got anything below an A-.

"You still have the rest of the term to bring your grade up."

"True," I murmur, but I can't help wondering if I will be able to do it. If I am going to be realistic, I will admit that the answer is probably no. I don't think my marks will get any better than this. They might even get worse.

The only reason it worries me is because of my parents. They'll be upset. They'll be disappointed. They'll probably even be ashamed of me.

I'm in a tight spot right now. It's stressful.

I can't bring myself to try. It takes too much. I don't even want to be here anymore. Being here at school is hard enough, sleeping in this bed is hard enough. Keeping it all in is worse but I'd die if this got out. It's too much.

"Maybe you could get a tutor?" Karin suggests.

I know she's trying to be helpful, but I don't know why she would recommend that. She knows I won't get one. It just makes me feel like she thinks I'm dumb. It's not that I'm not capable of doing this level of work, it's that I can't bring myself to actually get anything done.

I don't reply and I think she gets the hint.

"Let's just do work together more often," she offers up instead.

That might work, even though I don't really want to. If someone's consistently watching it might light a fire under me to actually turn shit in.

"Yeah," I reply.

We do a little more work and then when we are finished we start to talk about other things. I ask her what courses she had today and she starts talking about a sociology course she is taking.

"We watched a documentary about campus rape," she says. "It was rough. A couple of students left."

I feel myself go rigid at the mention of it. "Why would they show that in class?" I mutter.

"Because it's important and it's real and a lot of girls unfortunately experience it," she tells me. "Some guys, too. Universities and colleges are hunting grounds for perverts. They like to prey on drunk girls and shit like that."

I feel my eyebrows knit together. I probably look pissed off as hell. "Karin, I don't want to hear about this shit."

She looks surprised. "What, why? You're the one who asked."

"I know, I just—" I put a hand up, signalling for her to stop, "I just don't want to talk about it anymore."

"What the hell?" Karin barks. "This is important! Why the fuck don't you want to hear about it?"

"I just don't."

I'm trying to act inconspicuous, but it's not working. She's getting all riled up. I just don't want to hear all the details—who would? It's fucking horrible.

Karin stares at me for a few moments. Her face is stern. She looks like she's trying to figure me out and it's making me uncomfortable.

"I. Just. Don't." I repeat.

She is mad. I can tell. This isn't exactly how I wanted the evening to go, but like hell I am going to sit here and listen to her describe a documentary about THAT to me.

So, I'm firm. Maybe a little too cold. I just need her to stop.

And she does.

"Fine," she seethes. In an angry huff, she gathers her things and stomps out.

I wonder what she is thinking. She will cool down and then probably come find me later to apologize. Maybe I should apologize, too, but I won't. I don't feel sorry. I really don't. I mostly just feel unsettled.

It was like having it unintentionally thrown in my face. Like a slap or something, though she didn't even raise her hand.

I don't have the emotional capacity to deal with this sort of thing right now. I'm having a hard enough time handling myself, so the last thing I want to be thinking about is how high all of the statistics on campus rape are. Having that in the forefront of my mind makes me feel physically ill.

Whatever. At least I got some homework done for once. I'll just have to try my best to actual go to class so I can turn it in.

I get back into bed and mess around on the internet for a while. I'm trying to distract myself. I want to stop focusing on how fucked up all of this is.

I lie around for a bit until my phone starts to ring. I let it, not bothering to answer. Soon it stops but then it starts again. Ugh.

I reach for it and look at the caller ID. It's my parents. Shit.

"Hello?" I immediately answer.

" _Sasuke, what took you so long to answer?"_

It's my mom. I'm just glad it isn't my dad.

"Sorry," I apologize, "I am doing homework with a friend."

" _Oh, good!"_ she says, sounding pleased. " _Did you get your midterm marks back yet? Your dad wants to know. I do, too."_

Straight down to business.

"Not yet," I lie. "The professors are being lazy."

" _We ought to call the school and complain_..." she murmurs. " _There is no excuse for this_."

"I'm sure they'll get around to it soon," I reassure her. "We just had the tests a little while ago and they probably want to give detailed responses to each student."

I really don't want her to call. If she does, they'll tell her that we've known our grades for almost a week. I can't even imagine what she'd say if she found out I was lying to her.

" _I suppose that_ _'_ _s true_ ," she thankfully agrees, " _There wouldn_ _'_ _t be much point in us paying for such an expensive school if they weren_ _'_ _t taking their time to really read your work_."

"That's how I try to think about it," I say. It sounds kind of farfetched for me because in reality if my professors were dragging their feet I would probably be pestering them about it, but hopefully she'll buy it.

" _How are you doing now with your courses?"_ she asks. " _Did you study hard on spring break?"_

"Of course," I tell her.

" _Good to hear_ ," she says. " _Anyway, I will let you go, I just wanted to check in_."

"Thanks, Mom," I tell her.

" _Love you_."

"Love you, too," I say. "Bye."

With that, I hang up the phone.

She wanted to check in, but she didn't even ask me how I am doing.

Not that it matters. Even if she did ask me, I would have had to lie. The only thing worse than my friends finding out what happened to me is if my parents found out. My family... I don't even want to think about that. They'd probably make the biggest deal out of it. They would want to find out who did it. Then they would make me take the case to trial. My future would go down the toilet because my name would get out and that would be my entire reputation. No one is nice to victims - especially not in the court room. No matter how it goes down people will still search hard for a reason you might've been asking for it. Mine is that I was drunk.

It's not like there's any evidence that it even happened at this point. Maybe if I had remembered right away by some miracle I could have convinced myself to go get a rape kit done. But I didn't. It took me almost an entire week to come back to me, during which I showered and my bruises healed.

Months have passed now and the chance of finding any sort of residual DNA in my room is next to nothing. I've washing my sheets—I've washed my clothing—hell, I've even vacuumed. I panicked when I remembered what happened. I panicked so I cleaned. I thought it would make the bad feelings go away, but it didn't.

I should have gotten a rape kit done. Fuck. I should get an STD test done but it's too humiliating. I don't have any symptoms, but sometimes there are none.

Damn. This is stressing me out.

I feel like I'm in this permanent state of nausea. I don't really cry about it though. Is that weird? I feel like it is weird. Most people would probably cry if they were completely invaded and violated, but I can't. Not anymore. Maybe it is easier. If I cry, then the dam breaks. I don't want that.

I wonder if I could kill someone. If I knew who this person was and if I was given the opportunity... could I kill him?

I feel like I could, but it might just be the anger speaking.

Before I have the chance to get too deep in my own head about it, my phone buzzes again. I'm nervous it might be my mom calling back so I check right away, but it's just a message from Karin telling me to come upstairs.

She lives on the fourth floor and I really shouldn't feel like that's too far, but it's just not a trek that I'm up for right now.

When I don't reply she sends a second message saying she wants to talk. Ugh. I really don't want to go up there now. She's just going to ask me why I was being so weird earlier and I'll get mad. Then we'll fight again, which is the last thing I need.

I guess I should get this shit over with, though. I force myself up and I put on slippers, not in the mood to get dressed.

I leave my room and head upstairs, walking leisurely since I am dreading this.

When I get to the top floor, I move twice as slow. I hear arguing coming from one of the doors. I ignore it, but then I realize I recognize both of the voices. It's Naruto and Kiba. Two morons. It surprises me to hear them fight, though. Usually they are up each other's asses, but right now it seems like they're upset. The door is open a crack. Maybe they forgot to close it.

"I'm sorry I freaked, okay?" I hear Kiba say. "Just drop it. It's over."

"That was so lame of you!" Naruto hisses back. He sounds like he's trying his best to whisper, but is just completely incapable of lowering his voice below that of a normal conversation.

"You think it wasn't weird for me too?" he continues. "At least you could have stayed and we could have talked about it! Instead you took off at the butt-crack of dawn and ignored me for the rest of break! What the actual fuck?"

"I didn't want to talk about," I hear Kiba's voice again. "Besides, I needed to get home."

I feel guilty for eavesdropping. This really isn't of my business and I should just walk away, but I want to know what they're talking about. It's weird to hear them argue. They're both total spazzes at parties but I've never really heard them talk about anything besides sports and getting fucked up. Kiba's usually so stone-cold about his feelings— it's about the only thing I can relate to him on. He is so caught up in hyper-masculinity it's a miracle to hear him admit he can feel things.

"Well, talk now!" Naruto demands.

"I don't fucking feel like it," Kiba replies.

"And what the fuck is the bruise from?" Naruto asks. "If that is from your dad, I swear..."

"It's not!" Kiba snaps.

I feel nosy. I'm not usually like this. I don't know why I don't just walk away.

"Then who did it?"

"No one," Kiba insists. "Jeez, just drop it. None of this is important anymore."

"Man, it's just..." Naruto trails off. "That was totally not cool. You don't just ditch someone after messing around with them!"

"Shut up!" Kiba hisses. "I don't need a reminder that I had your dick in my ass!"

That's literally unbelievable. Do they know I'm listening? Are they fucking with me?

Their conversation continues though, and it becomes clear that they're not.

"Don't be such a fucking prick!" Naruto barks. "I didn't mean for any of that to happen! I was just as messed up as you—don't forget that!"

"I know you were messed up!" Kiba repeats back to him, "I just don't see why we have to have a whole conversation about this. We can leave it there—we were fucked up on drugs! There doesn't need to be some big blow up over it."

"Then stop blowing up over it," Naruto says bitingly.

Kiba pauses for a second. I stand there awkwardly, nervous that he's going to burst out of the room and catch me.

"Look," he says finally and I breathe a sigh of relief, "I think you can understand that it's a bigger deal for me—I mean, you've actually been with guys before."

It makes me wonder if Naruto is gay. I know he has been girls in the past, but sometimes people figure these things out later in life.

"It doesn't have to change anything if you don't want it to," Naruto tries to reason.

"I can't just look at something like that as totally meaningless, though," Kiba argues. "It was..." he trails off, not bothering to finish the thought.

I decide to move away now. I shouldn't be invading their intimate conversation like this. Clearly they are both struggling with this - though Naruto seems more open to dealing with it.

I continue down the hall quietly, finally reaching Karin's door.

I pause, take a breath and then knock. God, I hope her roommate isn't around.

A split second later, the door opens and Karin lets me in. She's alone. She doesn't look angry anymore, but I can tell she's still annoyed by the way she huffs when I walk past her.

I sit down on her bed and she settles down across from me.

"Sasuke," she starts, diving right into it, "It really bothered me what you did earlier."

I want to roll my eyes at that, but I don't let myself. It would just make things a million times worse.

"This kind of shit if a big deal and it kind of feels like you don't think so."

Seriously? That's what she's thinking? That I don't care?

"Karin, it's not that I don't think it's serious. I just didn't want to talk about it."

She is frowning. She looks disappointed at me and I don't even fucking know why. It's not like I'm the one who needs to hear this shit. I know she probably feels passionate about it, but she is barking up the wrong tree. I'm not the kind of guy who needs to hear about this shit. The kinds of guys who need to hear about it are the guys who genuinely don't give a fuck. They're the predators. Not me.

"I know it's serious…" I continue. "It's an epidemic on campuses. I just don't want to talk about it."

"Why?" she bites out. "You won't give me an answer. You say you get that it's serious, but it doesn't sound like you do. I thought of all the people I know, you'd be willing to have a conversation about this with me. You have a mind for this stuff. You want to be a lawyer, right?"

"I don't know," I mumble.

I'm not in the mood to talk about my future. That's the last thing on my mind lately.

"Did something happen?" she asks suddenly.

I blink, not saying anything. It's out of left-field and I don't know how to respond.

"What do you mean?" I finally ask, feeling shaky. I don't have the slightest clue as to how she could have figured it out.

"I know you drink a lot at parties…Did something weird happen?"

I hate where this is going—I should just get up and leave.

"Seriously Sasuke you have to tell me," she continues, looking severely distressed, "Did you sleep with someone who was too fucked up to say yes?"

It takes a second for me to actually comprehend what she's asking, and when I finally do I don't like what she's implying,

"What?" I ask incredulously, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

She doesn't look like she's kidding.

I laugh loudly and bitterly. "Are you SERIOUSLY asking me if I'm some scumbag rapist?" I can't even control the tone of my voice because my emotions are taking over completely. My voice is shaking. She looks taken aback.

"I don't know what else to do with what little you're telling me," she murmurs. "You're being weird, quite frankly. You've been acting odd for a while."

"Well, fuck you!" I shout at her.

She looks unsettled. "You did, didn't you?"

"No!" I insist. "God, I never – I wouldn't do something like that! You should know me better than that!"

"I thought I did," she bites out.

I feel like I'm backed into a corner. I feel that familiar nausea taking over me. It comes in waves and this time it's like a fucking tsunami. I swallow the lump rising in my throat and open my mouth to speak. "You want to know what happened to me?" I ask her hoarsely.

"For fuck's sake, yes, Sasuke!" she shouts impatiently. "Did you fuck someone?"

"I didn't fuck ANYONE!" I shout back. "I'M the one who got fucked!"

Karin stops. She looks confused. Then she looks mortified. "Wait, you mean like—" she starts, but I cut her off.

"Yes!" I shout. "That's what I mean."

She very clearly doesn't know how to respond. It's kind of mean of me, but I hope she feels bad. She deserves to feel bad. She shouldn't have pushed me.

Karin sits, staring. It's uncomfortable and I want to leave.

"How—" She looks like she might cry, "I mean, when—"

What the fuck ever. I should be the one about to cry. I'm not though—I'm just numb.

"That party in January," I confess. "The one I couldn't remember." Then I laugh bitterly. "Well, I remembered."

"I'm sorry," she whispers.

I roll my eyes and shrug. "It's… whatever."

"It's not," she says, still whispering.

"It kind of is," I insist. "Nothing can be done now. It happened. It is what it is."

I can tell she feels bad. Really bad.

"Sasuke –" she starts, saying my name and then cutting herself off. "I'm sorry… and I'm sorry for pushing you just now. I just… I didn't know."

"I know you didn't know," I say. "But now you do."

"Yeah," she murmurs. She's still being quiet, like she can't bring herself to be louder. It's a sensitive topic and maybe that's why. She closes her eyes. I've never seen her look so distraught. "Does anyone else know?"

"No," I tell her. "Just you… and the guy who did it."

I should cry, right? I want to. I think it would make me feel better. I don't know why it won't come out.

"Who the fuck was it? I swear to god I'll kick his ass to the moon," Karin says angrily.

"I don't remember," I state flatly. "It's no use dwelling on it."

"What do you mean you don't remember?" She balls her hands into tight fists. "You remember it all happening but you have no idea who it was?"

I don't know why it sounds like she's mad at me. It's not my fucking fault I don't know who it was. I was drugged out of my fucking mind.

"I'd never met him before," I admit. "I don't think I'd recognize him even if he was standing right in front of me."

"That's so…messed up," Karin whispers.

Please. As if I don't know that already.

"No shit," I say. "I just remember… hands. Being felt up. Touched. Penetrated. I was sore as hell the next day… like, really banged up. Like I got shoved around. I don't know why, though. I mean, I was so fucked up it's not like I put up a fight."

"Fucking hell," she murmurs.

"Yeah," I respond.

It gets quiet. I can tell there are other things she wants to say, but she feels like she needs to censor herself and choose her words more carefully.

"You don't have to do that," I tell her.

"Do what?"

"Act like I'm going to snap," I explain. "I mean… I know I kind of just did, but I won't do it again. You get it now, right?"

"Yeah, I do," she whispers. "I'm sorry, Sasuke."

God, shut up.

"You keep saying that," I point out. "It's not like it's your fault."

"Yeah, but…" she trails off. "Okay." A pause. "Can I… Can I hug you?"

I'm somewhat taken aback by the question. I'm taken aback BECAUSE it's a question.

"Uh… yeah," I tell her.

She inches forward and then envelops me. Her grip isn't tight, but it's there. Her hands are locked around my back and she's warm. Familiar. I push my face into her shoulder and feel another lump in my throat.

When she's done she sits back, still looking disheartened.

"I wish there was more I could do."

I wish there was more I could do, too. There isn't though, so I have to let the whole incident go. I wish I wasn't having such a hard time doing that.

"My grades are sucking because of it," I admit. "I can't focus or get anything done. I haven't been studying or turning things in."

Karin puts a hand on my shoulder. "We can start doing more work together—like we talked about today. I don't mind if it will help you bring your marks up. Besides, I like spending time with you."

God I feel so fucking pathetic. I shouldn't need someone to help me make time to study.

I think she knows what I'm thinking because she says, "Don't be ashamed or anything, okay?"

"It's hard not to," I mumble. "This is the most shameful experience of my life and things keep getting worse."

She nods, looking sympathetic. "It's just… It's not your fault. You shouldn't feel bad about struggling. Maybe you can talk to your professors, tell them something? Not what happened, but maybe something that will explain why your marks are suffering lately."

"Like what?" I mutter.

"Maybe tell them you're depressed?"

"I probably am," I admit bitterly. "I'm so unmotivated. It's like I just stopped caring about everything. All the shit seems so unimportant now."

I don't want to tell people that, though. I don't want people thinking I'm in over my head with school.

Maybe I am though.

Maybe I should take some time off—although I have absolutely no idea how to go about facilitating something like that.

Besides, I might have a hard time coming back if I left for a while and I'm sure that dropping out entirely would just make me feel way worse than I already do.

Thinking about the whole process makes me feel physically ill. I want to change the subject.

"Hey," I say, remembering what I heard earlier in the hallway, "I was wondering—is Naruto gay?"

"Um, I don't know—I don't think so?" Karin replies. She seems weirded out by the question.

"Hm," I wonder aloud, "I didn't think so either really, but when I was on my way upstairs I just overheard him talking to Kiba in his room."

"Talking about what?" Now she seems invested. I guess it makes sense that she would be—she did spend most of her childhood with him.

"About fucking," I say crudely since there is no other way to put it.

"What...?" She looks surprised by that at first, but then she tilts her head to the side and seems to consider it. "Hm… I guess it isn't THAT shocking."

"It's kind of shocking to me," I admit.

She shrugs. "Dunno. Now you have me curious…"

"Don't tell him I know," I add. "He'll freak if he hears that I was eavesdropping."

"All right," she relents. "I guess it doesn't really matter. Why did you want to know?"

"I'm just being nosy," I tell her. "I was surprised to hear it – especially coming from those two."

"Now I want to know the story," she mumbles. Before I can tell her to keep her trap shut, she quickly adds, "I won't ask, though, don't worry."

It's weird to be the first person to know this piece of information. It must be a new thing that they're trying to figure out.

"Maybe it will come up some other time," I reassure her. "Naruto has never been very good at keeping his mouth shut and if you wait long enough he'll probably bring it up at a family dinner or something."

"That's true." Karin laughs. "He'll probably do something stupid and then everyone we know will find out all at once."

"I mean, they didn't even shut the door to talk about it—so that's a start," I add. It's funny, but I feel kind of bad for them, actually. I of all people know that kind of thing is a bitch to confront.

It's easy to pretend those feelings aren't there. For a little while, at least. Then you realize you're unhappy. Then you get stuck between whether or not you should make it known and disappoint your family, or if you should hide it and keep your family happy. Well, that's my case, at least. It's hard. I don't really know what to do sometimes. I feel like I have so many secrets. Only Jugo knows this one and it's only because he walked in on me with a guy once. I couldn't exactly deny it after that. But I trust him, for what it's worth. I know he'd never tell a soul. I know Karin wouldn't, either, but it's hard to get the words out. It was hard to tell her I was assaulted. Two huge secrets in one sitting feels like too much.

I know she wouldn't judge me or anything, but still…

I wonder if she suspects it. I wonder if other people suspect it. When I was young, I had a NO-GIRLS zone up, but that changed when people started wondering if that meant I was gay. So, I slept with some girls. I kept sleeping with girls. Then people stopped wondering if I was gay. But I am.

I swear, I am the fakest person in the world.

It sucks because I know I hurt a lot of girls' feelings. I always try to be clear with them that I'm not looking for a relationship but I swear it just makes them more invested. They think they can change my mind if they spend enough time with me or something, but they can't. I'm never going to want to date them. I usually don't even sleep with the same girl more than once if I can help it.

I wonder when the fuck Kiba and Naruto hooked up. Based off of what they said it sounded like it was the beginning of break, but it could have been even before then.

They must have been at a party. I want to know if other people noticed what was about to go down.

If it WAS at a party, then probably not. No one ever knows what the fuck is going on at parties. Everyone is drunk and everyone gets stupid.

Then bad things happen. Bad things always fucking happen at parties.

I hate parties. Even hearing the music from my room makes me shudder. It's too much. It just makes me think about that night I decided to screw my life up.

"Sasuke?" Karin says my name.

"Mm…?"

"You looked like you were zoning out," she says. "You good?"

"Yeah, I'm good," I tell her. "Just thinking."

"About?" she pries.

"Nothing important," I insist dismissively.

She looks unsure, but she doesn't push me. "All right."

"I have a lot of stuff to catch up on—I should probably go work on it," I tell her, although once I leave I'm sure I'll go right back to doing nothing.

"Okay." Karin smiles sympathetically. "If you want to talk more I'll be up here."

I nod and get up off her bed, heading for the door.

"And Sasuke—?" She adds once I'm halfway in the hall.

I turn around and poke my head back in.

"Thank you for telling me."

I shrug. It's not like she gave me much of a choice really. I probably still wouldn't have told her if I hadn't felt pressured to.

It's probably for the best. I do feel a little better, but in other ways a little worse. I hate knowing that this happened to me and that it's something other people are now aware of. It's too humiliating. At least it's just Karin. I know she won't betray my trust. She's not that kind of person.

I head down the hall and when I turn the corner I nearly run into Naruto. I'm about to snap, but he's quick to apologize. He looks a little flustered, perhaps from his talk with Kiba.

"It's fine," I say, relenting. I should go easy on him, especially if he's having a hard time as of late. I'm not the kind of person who feels better by making others feel worse, contrary to popular belief.

He smiles and leans closer, completely invading my personal bubble. "So, hey, where've you been lately? You're never in class anymore! Are you okay?"

I take a step back and say. "I'm fine."

I try to think of some sort of excuse as to why I've been missing class, but I can't think of anything.

"You haven't missed too much," he continues, probably not understanding the affect that not attending class can have on your grade. "I'd offer to give you my notes but they're not very good."

"That's nice of you, but it's okay." I force a small smile.

It's not okay actually. I probably really should look at his notes, even if they're shit. Anything is better than nothing, but I just don't want him to have another excuse to keep poking around in my business.

"What'd you do over break?" he asks, trying to push the conversation forward.

"I relaxed." I give him a vague answer. It's not exactly untrue, but it was a little bit more along the lines of sleeping to avoid thinking about shit. "What did YOU do?"

He shrugs, looking a little sheepish. It makes me think I know exactly what's going through his head. He's probably thinking about Kiba.

"Uh… just got drunk and shit," he says.

I nod my head. "Oh."

"Makes me think I kinda need a break from me," he continues

He always shares too much. He talks openly with people – more openly than I could ever imagine being with someone who isn't even my friend.

"You party pretty hard," I comment. "A break wouldn't be a bad thing."

"You party hard, too," he points out

"Not anymore," I correct him

"What changed?" he pries.

"I just realized that my efforts are best spent elsewhere," I tell him.

He gives me a lopsided smile and tilts his head to the side. It makes me feel like he's mocking me in a way, though I know he probably isn't. Still, I feel defensive. "But you don't even go to class. Where are your efforts going?"

I want to smack him upside the head for that comment.

"I have more important courses I need to prioritize," I lie. I must sound mad because Naruto looks regretful almost immediately. "Business 101 isn't exactly the most stimulating thing in my schedule."

"Sorry, I didn't realize," he mumbles.

"Yeah, well, not every first year slacks off with 100-level courses like you and your friends do," I snap back at him. "I'm busy. I'll see you around."

With that, I walk past him and start down the stairs.

He turns around and watches over his shoulder as I leave. I hope he doesn't follow me. I don't want to talk anymore.


	10. Chapter 10: Naruto

**Naruto's POV**

Sasuke was being nice, but I guess I said something wrong because then he decided to act like a fucking dick. Again. Jeez, just when I think I'm getting somewhere with him, he does a U-turn.

I watch him go, wondering if I should chase after him. Probably not. We aren't friends. I mean, I want to be his friend, but I don't know if he wants that. Something tells me he probably doesn't.

Everything is kind of blowing up lately. This whole thing with Kiba sucks, but I think things will be okay. I just need to give it some time. We argued about it a bit, but we didn't really talk it over yet. That can come later, when he's ready. Whenever that may be.

I shove my hands in my pockets and stare at the floor as I head back into my room.

Kiba was here earlier, but he left. He was pretty quick to ditch when we began to try hashing things out.

I know he's uncomfortable—I'm uncomfortable too—but I wish he would at least talk to me.

I was worried as fuck when he took off so early in the morning and then ignored me for days. I still don't know if he got in trouble with his parents or if they bought the vet-internship lie we were spinning.

From the bruise on his face, I would say they didn't. Kiba insists it's not from them but I'm not an idiot. He says he and his dad were kicking the ball around so that he could stay on top of his skills for next soccer season, but I know that's a load of crap. Kiba would never just hang out with his dad. He thinks his dad's a fucking tool.

It sucks that he feels like he has to lie to me, but I guess I sound like an entitled dick if I say he SHOULD talk to me. He doesn't really owe me anything. Plus, Kiba doesn't really talk to anyone. Ever. Unless he's on drugs, apparently. I liked that a lot. I liked hearing him talk to me with ease about things he feels.

I guess I'm a sentimental and sappy person. I've always been that way. It's probably because my parents died. Now I just want attention. I want emotional connections with people. I want to be cared for, loved, all that shit.

When I get to my room, I sit on my bed with my laptop. I do some reading and then I do some homework. I take a few pills when I begin to lose focus and then I do a little more homework. I still have Ritalin lying around. I've been taking it for much of my life. I've always been hyperactive. I'm not so bad these days, but I can still act up a bit now and again.

I've been doing a good job this year I think. I'm doing fine in all my classes and it makes me feel proud. Last semester was kind of hard—I was tired and down in the dumps a lot of the time. That's kind of why I started doing cocaine. It makes me feel a lot better and like I can get everything done. The come down's a bitch though.

Kiba always complains that I shouldn't be doing drugs, but I don't think he has much room to talk. It's not like he's the happiest, most stable person I know. All he does is run away from his problems, so I'm not going to be taking any pointers from him anytime soon.

He's a little hypocritical. I think he just thinks cocaine is worse than alcohol because one is legal and one isn't, but honestly, what the fuck is the difference? I've seen people wreck themselves worse with alcohol. I've seen it happen to Kiba, to Sakura, to Karin, to Ino and even to Sasuke recently. Hell, I've wrecked myself by drinking too much, too. I've never screwed myself over with cocaine, though.

I like to think I'm in control of my habits. It's not like this is an addiction.

Sometimes I just need something extra to keep me on my toes.

I know that sounds dumb as fuck, but it's hard to explain. The drugs just… help. I like cocaine more than Ritalin, but I'm not in the mood for a come down. I have a lot of homework and it's easier to just take the pills sometimes.

In a sense, it's all the same shit anyway.

I study for a few more hours before it starts to get late. I contemplate taking another pill, but I have most of my work done and what I don't I can finish during tomorrow during my lunch hour, so instead I roll over and turn out the light.

.

.

The follow week, Kiba is still being a little bitch about the fact that we slept together. I don't know why he won't just get over it, but it's progressed into him ignoring me even in class which is fucking irritating as hell.

Like, I get it. He doesn't want to date me. Same, okay? It was all a big fucking mistake.

It's not like sex has to mean anything. He can still like girls and have a moment with a guy. It doesn't have to turn his entire universe upside down. It was just physical. Lots of guys do shit like this. I doubt he's the only straight guy around who has hooked up with another guy. Jeez. He needs to calm down.

In class, he's sitting next to me slumped in his chair with his arms crossed. He looks so sour it's almost laughable.

Sasuke isn't here and by now that is pretty typical.

I don't know where he is or what he's doing. He didn't exactly tell me much when we spoke last week. I shouldn't have tried to pry. Clearly it pissed him off, though I have no fucking clue why.

For someone who likes to express his feelings as much as I do, I sure am good at surrounding myself with emotionally stunted assholes.

By the time class ends Kiba already has his bag packed. It's clear that he's trying to make a quick getaway.

Luckily I also have my things put away, so the second he stands up to go I follow right after him.

"Hey," I say loudly once we're out in the hallway, "Do you have a second?"

"Sorry, I have some work I need to do in the library," he replies, stopping and looking over his shoulder. It's a lie, that much is not hard to tell.

"No you don't," I grumble. "You have some things you need to work out with me."

He rolls his eyes. God he's such a fucking dick sometimes I don't even know why I put up with him.

"I mean it," I say harshly. I'm trying to sound intimidating or whatever. It works on him when his parents do it, so if he's going to be that way I might as well give it a try.

He turns around and scowls at me. "Fine," he mutters.

It makes me feel kind of bad that that worked, but whatever.

I nod for him to follow me and we head to my room to try and hash things out… again. Hopefully we actually get somewhere this time. I just want things to be normal again. I hate that things are so tense and awkward.

Kiba slams his bag on the ground and sits on my bed, crossing his arms. "What do you want to talk about?"

"What the fuck do you think I want to talk about?" I retort snappily.

He scoffs and rolls his eyes. "Fucking drop it, Naruto. It's not important."

"We can't just ignore it!" I exclaim.

"Why not?" he asks

Jeez, is this guy for real?

"Because, quite frankly, it's rude!" I say.

"God, who the fuck cares?" Kiba drawls. "We fucked. What-fucking-ever. I don't fucking give a fuck."

Clearly that's not true.

"Uh-huh," I say, crossing my arms. "Who yah trynna fool?"

"No one!"

"Okay, but why are you this way?" I urge him to continue. "That's what I'm asking here. Why don't you trust me?"

"I didn't say that I didn't trust you."

"Not in so many words, but I know you don't." I pause for a second and then add, "You don't trust anyone."

He lets out an exasperated sigh.

"Exactly. I don't trust anyone."

I don't really know what to do with that piece of information. It makes me mad—it makes me feel hurt—but it's not like there's anything I can do about it.

I won't give him an ultimatum. I won't pull any of the "you better tell me what's going on right now or else" bullcrap. I just have to let it be.

Either he'll get there on his own or he won't at all.

"Okay," I say finally. I know I sound dejected as fuck and Kiba gives me a sad look that tells me he feels bad about the whole situation. "I just don't get how you can keep things bottled up like that," I mumble. "It can't feel good."

"It doesn't feel good," he admits. "I just can't talk about things. I don't know why."

"But you know I'd never judge you…"

"Regardless," he says.

"You act weird sometimes," I add. "I never know what to do with it."

It makes me feel like he must have some huge shitty secret. Maybe that's immature of me, but what else could it be?

"Well, I can't help it," he retorts somewhat defensively.

I hold my hands up. "I'm not saying that it bugs me, it's just something I've noticed through time." A pause. "Do you think you'll EVER talk to me?"

"I don't know," he admits. "Look, I know you're a sensitive guy and you like to talk about feelings and shit, but that's not me."

I want to roll my eyes at being called a 'sensitive' guy, but I refrain. Now isn't the time.

"Look, let's just… be normal again," he decides. "That's what you want, right? Let's just pretend that none of it happened."

"Kiba, I CAN'T do that!" I exclaim. "That's why I want to fucking talk about this shit, so we both get to the same page and we don't feel so fucking weird about it anymore. It happened and we can't just pretend otherwise."

He lets out a sharp sigh and I can tell he's annoyed. "What the hell do you want me to say, Naruto? It's embarrassing! I never thought I'd do a thing like that, for fuck's sake…"

At least that is something. It's not what I want to hear, but it's something.

"Why is it embarrassing?" I ask him.

"I had a dick in my ass," he points out flatly, looking a little flushed when the words come out.

This time, I do roll my eyes. "Who CARES? Jeez, it's not like it makes you any less of a man or some shit."

"Well, it feels like it," he mutters.

And maybe that's it. God, he is so fucking old fashioned it's almost depressing the way he thinks about things.

"Ugh. No." He gives me an annoyed look, like he has no clue where I would get that idea from. "It's just—me."

"Oh? Why's that?" I can hear my tone start to become mocking. "You're so perfect you couldn't possibly fuck a dude but everyone else—well—everyone else is just weak and confused so of course they'd do a thing like that?"

He scowls but doesn't reply. He probably doesn't have any sort of comeback which is surprising since he's so full of shit lately.

"You chalk this up to be a huge mistake, which it was, but don't fucking forget that you wanted to have sex with me," I remind him. "I know that's not something you want to think about, but you can't just pretend that whoever you were in that moment wasn't you."

His cheeks are red. I don't know if he's angry or embarrassed or maybe it's just a mix of both. I don't care. It's not fair for him to try to brush it off like it didn't even happen. It's stupid.

"Shut up," he finally mutters.

I scoff at that. "Wow, nice comeback."

"I'm not trying to be witty!" he hisses. "I just don't know why the fuck you want to talk about this shit! Fuck. Are you _gay_?"

"I don't fucking know," I say. "Are YOU gay?"

He is scowling at me. "No!" he insists sharply, like it'd be the worst thing in the world if he was. Maybe he means it, though. I don't fucking know anymore. "Stop being so fucking loud! I don't want the entire dorm to know about this, jeez!"

I want to ask him why it even matters, but I already know the answer, so it'd be a pointless question. He doesn't want people to know because he's ashamed and people would think things about him that he doesn't want them to think.

"You're being just as loud," I point out.

He crosses his arms again and closes his eyes, letting out a sigh that sounds more like a hiss. It's obvious that he's mad. We aren't going to get anywhere like this.

"You're killin' me here, bro," I say in an attempt to lighten the mood.

He pinches the bridge of his nose, " _Bro_ , you literally had your dick in my ass like three weeks ago."

I crack a smile. I can't help it. I'm pissed off but this whole thing is just fucking absurd.

"Look," I say finally, "I get that you feel weird. Trust me, I understand. I just want you to know that you don't have to feel weird about it by yourself, okay? I want you to talk to me—just give me something for fuck's sake."

He glances at me, looking weary. I can tell how much he wants the conversation to be over with, but I'm not quitting until I actually feel like I got somewhere with him. "It's hard for me to talk about things," he says.

"I know," I reply. "You said that."

"When I was a kid, my parents would shut me down every time I tried to talk about my emotions and shit," he says with a shrug. I can tell he's trying to play it off like it's whatever, but it's not.

"Ah…" I murmur, feeling sorry for him. God, his parents are such assholes. He's so closed off. He never talks about what he wants or needs. He never cries in front of anyone unless he's too trashed to realize he's crying. I don't get that. I cry all the time and no one in my life ever told me I couldn't. His parents probably told him he couldn't.

"So, yeah, I'm closed off," he continues, "and that's probably why, but I can't really magically change that now. This is just who I am."

I feel like there's more to it, but this is probably the most honest he's ever been with me while sober and I don't want to push my luck.

"Thank you for telling me that," I say. I feel like it's the proper response. It's emotionally supportive and affirmative. There are certain ways you're supposed to say these sorts of things, right?

"You're…welcome." He pauses, looking uncomfortable.

"You're my best friend," I add after a moment, "I don't want that to change over something so stupid. We don't have to talk about it anymore."

Kiba breathe a sigh of relief. He's probably happy as fuck that I'm going to stop pestering him.

"So, wanna do some homework?" I ask him.

He shrugs. "Sure."

.

.

Things seem semi normal again, which I am beyond grateful for. The weeks continue to fly by. Soon enough, exams will start again and it'll be summer. I'm still trying to convince Kiba to live with me, but he just keeps saying the same thing he always says: "I don't know, man, my parents probably wouldn't like it."

Well, in my opinion, that's part of why he should do it. Then they can't be so oppressive. He's too sheltered. He needs to learn how to be on his own, otherwise he'll be in for a bad time when he finally does move out on his own. This way, I'll be able to help him. I do everything for myself. I cook, I clean. I can show him how to do these things. He needs to learn eventually, so it's best he learns now rather than later.

Right now, I'm getting ready for class. Sasuke still hasn't been showing up. I don't know what the hell is going on with him these days.

I've stopped asking Karin about it though. I haven't asked anyone in a while actually. Everyone was starting to get irritated and none of them had an answer anyway so I was just wasting my time.

I wonder if he said something to the professor to make it so that he's allowed to skip so much. Maybe he even dropped the class so that he could focus on the other tough coursework he was telling me about. That doesn't seem like Sasuke though, especially since dropping halfway through the semester puts a "withdrawn" mark on your transcript.

I finish brushing my teeth and rush back to my room to pack up my bag. I'm in a little bit of a hurry since I got a late start this morning.

Once I'm finally ready I hustle down the stairs and across campus. Hopefully I won't be late.

I start running and end up being a couple minutes late, but Kakashi doesn't seem to give a fuck. He's usually the late one anyway and he's the damn professor.

I head to the back of the room and sit in my usual place next to Kiba. It's funny – there are no assigned seats yet everyone still sits in the same damn spot every day.

I glance around the room. Sasuke isn't here. Again. I see Kiba glance at me and snort. He knows what I'm doing. I just give him a wry smile and shrug.

Kakashi is talking about our final assignment. It seems pretty tedious, but not overly complicated. We need to come up with a business plan for a fictional business. We have a month to do it, then exam season will start. Not really looking forward to that. I hate studying.

On the bright side, then it will be summer. My first summer in college, actually. That's pretty exciting. I'm going to start looking for an apartment off campus since they close the dorms about a week after class end and my "at risk student" scholarships actually add up to be enough for me to get a place of my own.

I do want a roommate though—it would be so crappy to live all alone. If Kiba can't get his shit together I'll have to ask someone else. I have no idea of who else I could possibly live with though, so for the time being I'll just have to keep pestering him.

I don't think I would even want to live with anyone else… not that I'd tell him that. It might make him feel weird. He'd probably accuse me of having feelings for him or something – which I don't. I am being truthful when I say that. He's a good looking dude and I definitely didn't mind sleeping with him, but it doesn't run any deeper than that.

When class is finally out, me and Kiba go get coffee before heading to the library. We decide to start planning out our assignments early on so we can get them done sooner rather than later.

Usually I am the type to procrastinate, but Kiba seems motivated. I think he wants to get it over with so he can put his efforts elsewhere – like in his science courses.

"So…" I say after we've been studying for a while, "I'm going to start looking for a place for next year soon."

Kiba looks up from him textbook—he knows where I'm going with this. "I haven't asked them yet," he says sheepishly.

"Kiba," I drone, "When are you going to finally ask? Are you really that worried that they're going to flip out?"

"They will absolutely flip out," he corrects me. "There's literally no question about that."

"So tell them to shove it!" I suggest facetiously, even though I know he won't do it.

"It's not that simple."

I roll my eyes, "Ugh. I know, I know. Just please ask them soon, will you? Find a good time or whatever when they're both in a good mood."

"I will," Kiba replies, but I think he's just trying to get me to shut up.

"All right," I relent.

I guess that's that… For now.

I hate his parents. They're so controlling. Clearly they have a warped view of the world and it's obvious with the way Kiba turned out, no offense to him. They probably make Kiba feel like they know what's best for him, though I doubt that's the case. I really want him to get away from them, at least for a while. I feel like it would be a nice change for him. He'd probably enjoy being away from them. They seem like they are totally suffocating. If I had parents like that, I'd feel claustrophobic as fuck.

Hopefully he actually will bring it up with them soon. I know they'll probably say no. The rest will be up to him. If he wants to leave, he should. I hope he doesn't let them guilt him into staying.

Should I be concerned about them not letting us hang out anymore if he tries to live with me? Would they think I was trying to steal away their precious baby boy? I'm not sure if that's something they would have control over but it doesn't seem too farfetched.

They've literally never even met me, but I already know they don't like me. I don't think they like any of Kiba's friends though, so at least it's not just that they think I'm a particularly bad influence.

I think if we actually sat down and talked they would realize that I actually look out for Kiba a lot—that I'm worth keeping around.

"I've got to head to class," Kiba says after a while of flipping through his textbook. I nod in agreement.

We both pack up our things and part ways.

I head up to my room since I don't have another course until a little later. I debate on stopping at Sasuke's room, but that might seem excessive or obsessive. Instead, I head to the lounge and find my cousin in her usual hangout spot with a few of her girlfriends – Ino, Hinata, Sakura.

"Hey," I say, joining them. I sit on the arm of the chair Sakura is seated on.

"How's it going?" Karin asks.

"Good," I respond with a careless shrug. "I'm pretty ready for the year to end."

"Nearly there," Sakura jumps in with a smile.

"I know, fucking hell, then we'll be sophomores." I laugh. "It's going by so fast."

"Do you have plans for the summer?" Ino asks. "We were just trying to plan a few road trips."

I nod. "Yeah, I'm going to find my own place. I'm going to start looking around the time of finals and move in after the dorms close."

"It'll be weird not having you living under the same roof as me." Karin smiles. "But I can see why you wouldn't want to stay in the dorms again or move back home."

"It's just such a pain to have to move all my crap from place to place. I'd rather just take it to one apartment and leave it there for the next three years."

Karin nods her head. "Fair."

I don't actually have all that much shit, to be fair, but it is still an inconvenience.

"I'm trying to convince Kiba to live with me," I decide to add.

"Yeah?" Karin pries, looking interested.

"Yeah..." I say, somewhat taken aback. "Why are you giving me that look?"

She shrugs. "Just wondering. Kiba is kind of weird about spending the night away from home, isn't he? I can't see him wanting to move out."

"Yeah," I mumble. "You're right about that."

"I heard his parents were really strict," Ino notes.

"They are," I confirm, still annoyed over it. "They need to back off."

"Do you know why?" Sakura asks.

"Not really," I admit, "I think they're just overprotective or something. They think the nasty world of college is going to corrupt their perfect princess."

"Bitter much?" Karin laughs.

I don't mean to sound biting, but it's fucking infuriating to deal with. I'm not the only one who sees the weirdness in how they treat him.

"Hasn't it always kind of been that way?" Ino presses further. "It's probably just how his family is. Besides, I see him at parties and stuff so I can't imagine they're that bad."

I want to roll my eyes at that. Clearly she has no idea what she's talking about.

"Of course he goes to parties," I explain, "Who the fuck doesn't go to parties? He has to lie about it though and they last time his parents found out they lost their shit over it."

"Okay, calm the fuck down," Ino says, not taking any sass from me. "What did they do?"

"I don't even know," I mutter. "They're just fuckin' weirdos."

I feel like that's an understatement, but at the same time I don't even know his parents. I just know ABOUT them. I know the things he tells me and it's not much but it's enough for me to make an assumption that is fair. They are strict. Too strict. They make him feel bad about himself. I hate knowing that. It makes me even angrier that they raised him to be such a closed off person. He feels like he can't even tell his friends what's on his mind. It's such a shitty way to live.

I hope he gets over it. I hope he opens up. I hope he eventually feels like the world isn't going to end if he talks about his emotions.

I would like to be the person that he finally ends up talking to, but if not that's fine also. Anything would be better than what's happening right now.

"Anyway," I stand up from the chair I was seated in, "I have some stuff I have to get done, but I'll see you guys around."

Karin gives me a lopsided look. I think she knows that the whole situation with the apartment, Kiba, and his dumb-fuck parents is stressing me out even more than I'm letting on. Still, she doesn't say anything, but I can be sure she'll come ask me about it later.

"Have a nice afternoon," Sakura says sweetly, effectively putting an end to the conversation.

"See yah," I respond, waving to them all.

With that, I'm gone. Enough social time. I should get a little work done in my room before my next course later on.

I do some assigned readings, which is kind of a miracle because I never get that shit done in time. I flip through the hefty textbook, trying to soak in the extremely dull paragraphs. I hate reading – especially reading shit like this. I feel like I have to read it a million times before any of it sinks in.

When it's time for my next class, it's dim out. Since I pretty much always go to class in sweats, I don't bother putting sneakers on this time. I just slide on my slippers and head out. I must look like a bum, but university does that to people. A stressful environment makes people want to dress comfy. They kind of stop caring, as sad as it sounds.

I make it to the academic building on time and find my way to the lecture hall, taking my usual seat and pulling out my notebook. Now I just have to do my best not to fall asleep.

.

.

The next day, Kiba isn't on campus.

He also isn't replying to my text messages and that's making me nervous.

Usually on the days we don't have our business course together we meet up for coffee in the morning. When I didn't hear from him I went back to sleep—I figured he was running behind and accidentally slept through his alarm clock like I sometimes do. Then I didn't hear from him at lunch time either, which was weird. He never misses his Tuesday/Thursday courses.

In the evening, I decide to go to his house to check on him. It kind of worries me that he's not picking up. He always picks up. Hopefully he's just being a lazy ass, but yah never know.

I get into my car and make the trip to his house, hoping I remember the right one. I remember it had a fence because they have a big dog.

When I'm on his street, I drive slow until I spot the familiar property. I pull to the side of the road and park, getting out and walking up the driveway. As soon as I ring the doorbell, their massive dog starts barking. I can hear it from out here.

No answer.

I ring a few more times, getting impatient and concerned.

Finally I hear footsteps and the knob turns, the door opening just up to the length of the short chain that's keeping it locked.

"Kiba?" I ask as we make an uncomfortably long period of eye contact.

"Dude, what the hell are you doing here?" He sounds surprised as fuck as he fumbles to undo the chain.

As quickly as he opens the door the rest of the way, his mom appears at his side.

"Hello," she greets me, eyeing me up and down, "We weren't expecting you."

"Hi, I'm Naruto." I make the effort of introducing myself, even though she probably knows who I am by now. I only recognize her from the handful of times I saw her on the sidelines at our high school soccer games.

"Yes, I'm aware," she says. What a fuckin' bitch. She doesn't say nice to meet you or anything like that. I guess she wants me to cut to the chase. She probably wants me to get the hell out as soon as possible, but I'm not leaving just yet. I want to talk to Kiba. Preferably alone, but if she won't fuck off then I guess I'll figure something out.

"You weren't at school today," I say to Kiba, "and you weren't answering your phone, so I got worried."

"That's, uh, nice…" he says, shifting uncomfortable, "but I'm fine, as you can see."

"Can I come in?" I ask.

He glances at his mom like he's asking for her permission. It makes me want to fuckin' explode.

She looks back at Kiba, the scowl on her face making her annoyance obvious.

Then she turns back to me and sternly says, "Be quick about it."

She moves backward, making room in the doorway for me to enter the house. I step inside, making sure to close the door behind me, but as I do a small white dog from further down the hallway comes bumbling towards me.

"Oh wow," I say matter-of-factly when it reaches my feet, "I didn't know you had a puppy."

"That's because he's new," Kiba says awkwardly, "We just got him today."

Kiba bends down to pick the dog up. He struggles a bit at first, but after a moment settles into Kiba's arms.

He's tiny, white and fluffy with brown ears. He looks like a Great Pyrenees, but I can't be sure because I'm no dog expert.

"He's really cute," I comment.

"Yeah," Kiba agrees fondly. He stares down at the dog and looks starry-eyed, like he's totally in love. It IS a pretty damn cute dog.

"What's his name?" I ask.

"Akamaru," he says.

"So, what made you decide to get a puppy?" I pry.

Kiba shrugs and shuffles a bit, not offering up much of an answer. Maybe it's because his mom won't fuck off. I don't know. It's awkward as hell, though. She's making things tense. I think Kiba feels that way, too.

I glance over my shoulder at his mom. She's just standing there with her arms crossed looking all bitchy and overly critical of our conversation. I can tell that she knows that we want to be left alone, but she isn't taking the bait.

"Mom, it's okay…" Kiba tells her awkwardly.

She turns her gaze to him but doesn't budge. She just seems even more irritated now, like she thinks Kiba's undermining her authority or whatever.

It's fucking ridiculous. We should be able to have a fucking discussion about a dog without being monitored. It's not like we're talking about nuclear war plans here—we're not even talking about her, although there sure is a fuck ton I'd have to say about it if we were.

I think this is the first time I've been inside his house. I've never even stepped foot in his room. It's weird. His parents are weird. Honestly, they rub me the wrong way. She should just fuck off. If I don't get to talk to him here, I'll just find him at school the next week. No matter how much she wants me to go away, I'm not going to.

Kiba looks uncomfortable now. I think he's worried his mom is pissed off or something. I'm not trying to put him in a bad position or anything, I am just concerned and this whole situation is odd.

"What did you do today?" I pry.

"Nothing fun," he says vaguely.

"Kiba –" I start again, but he cuts me off.

"Look," he murmurs to me, "I just had a shitty day. I'll text you later."

"Fine…" I respond, feeling somewhat dejected. I came all this way for nothing, so it seems.

I open the front door and step out onto the porch. Fucking hell, I didn't even make it to their living room.

I turn around to say goodbye to Kiba but see that his mother is hovering over his shoulder again. It's so fucking unsettling.

"It was nice to finally meet you." I smile, although I'm sure she knows it's forced. "I'll talk to you later Kiba—I'm glad that you were okay and that I was worrying for nothing! It was nice to meet Akamaru."

"I'll see you tomorrow." Kiba nods. It's obvious he wants me to leave. "Thanks for checking in."

The door closes behind me pretty much immediately after I turn to leave. As I walk to my car, I can't help but feel uneasy about the whole interaction. I guess I'll know in the future not to show up unannounced.

.

.

Next week I head to Business and as soon as I see Kiba, he has his dog there with him.

"What the fuck is your dog doing here?" I ask, sitting next to him.

Instead of responding to me, he looks at me and says, "Never come to my house again. What the fuck was that?"

I'm taken aback. "Are you fucking kidding…?"

"No!" he hisses. "My mom was livid!"

"Why?" I practically exclaim. "That makes no sense! Why can't you have guests over? Are your parents _that_ fucking controlling?"

"Yes!" he snaps. He pauses and sighs before adding, "Just… don't do it again."

"Fine," I mutter. "So, why is your dog here?" I ask again.

Kiba hesitates, like he's trying to think of what to say. "My parents wanted me to have him," he tells me finally, "For protection."

"Are you fucking joking me?" I ask in disbelief, "That thing can't be more than fifteen pounds. How the fuck is it going to protect you?"

"He's going to get big," Kiba tells me, "Like really big."

I glance under the desk at Akamaru. He's wearing a little vest. He's well behaved for being so young, but probably the least threatening dog I've ever seen. I seriously cannot imagine him fighting off anything—not even a cat.

"So what? He's like, a 'protection' service dog? Is that why you can have him in class?" I ask incredulously, "Because that sounds fucking fake."

"Kind of," Kiba pauses for a little bit too long, "He's a service dog of sorts. That's what I told the professors at least. They're not really allowed to ask questions."

"Why do you need him though?" I press, "What the fuck is going to happen to you during class?"

"I don't want to talk about it anymore," Kiba bites back at me, "My parents wanted me to have him so I do."

Before I can respond, Kakashi walks into class. He's about ten minutes late. He apologizes and makes up some stupid excuse before getting down to business.

Me and Kiba will probably pick this up after class unless he makes a quick escape. He might try to, now that I think about it. That's what he tried to do last time.

Kiba takes notes when the lecture begins. I try to take some, too, but I'm distracted as hell.

Sasuke isn't here. Again. By now it seems expected. I wonder if Karin knows what's going on with him… not that she'd ever tell me. I think Sasuke is the kind of person to hold a mean grudge and if someone betrayed his trust, he'd make them feel like the worst shit about it.

How much he's been gone is enough to make me feel like something is seriously wrong though. God damn, I feel like I'm having a fucking crisis over whatever this is. I just can't seem to let it go.

I don't know why I feel the need to focus so much on other people's issues. I could say that I just want to help, but that makes me sound self-important, like I know how to fix everything. On the other hand I could say that I'm just curious to know, but then I'm fucking nosy.

Honestly, I _am_ nosy. I guess the stunt I pulled last week showing up at Kiba's house proved that—although I really was just worried.

I guess it's a mix of things, but I know I tend to overstep my bounds at times. I think Sasuke and Kiba would both agree on that because I've done it to them both many times in the recent past.

I just want them to be okay. I want to KNOW that they're okay. Then I'd be able to let things go… but there's this nagging sensation that keeps telling me things aren't okay. That's why I can't let it go. It's not really my business, but I'm still going nuts here.

I zone out for most of class and when it's over, I toss my shit in my bag and stand up, waiting for Kiba to get his shit together so I can bug him a little more. That sounds so dickish of me, but whatever.

The classroom empties and Kiba takes his sweet time. With a grumble, I move ahead and wait by the door. Kakashi is at the front erasing the whiteboard for the next session.

"Kakashi?" I say his name.

"Hm?" he asks, pausing and glancing over at me.

"Where is Sasuke lately?" I pry.

"I don't know," he admits.

Well, that sucks. I guess if Kakashi knew more than that he wouldn't be able to tell me anyway due to confidentiality and all that, but at least then I would know that Sasuke got his shit taken care of and talked to student services about accommodations or something.

Finally, Kiba is ready to leave and we head out of the classroom.

"What were you talking to the professor about?" he asks, Akamaru's leash looped around his forearm.

"I wanted to know if he had heard from Sasuke," I admit.

"Oh jeez you're on that again?" he replies, only half joking. "You know the professors can't tell you information about other students."

"I know that. I just wanted to know if he had heard anything at all."

Kiba twists his mouth and shrugs. I know he still doesn't give a fuck, but he could at least pretend to be a little concerned for my sake.

We grab coffee and then head to my room to waste time until Kiba's next class.

"I'm nearly done with my Business assignment," he tells me.

"That's good," I say. "I still need to do a little more work on mine…"

He starts telling me about what he did his project on, but I don't really care. Nonetheless, I listen. I don't want to be a total dick since he seems pretty pleased with himself. When he's done, I'll start asking the questions I want to ask.

"I think I'm going to get a good mark," he finishes.

"You probably will," I agree. "So, hey, about the dog –"

He rolls his eyes, scoffing. "Drop it, Naruto. I don't really know why you're such a nosy asshole all the time, but I'm getting fed up."

Well that stings.

"Because I care," I point out, annoyed at how sour he's being.

"I know you do and that's sweet and all but you have to know when to let things go," he says, picking Akamaru off the floor and putting him in his lap.

"Dude just answer my questions about the dog," I groan. "Then I'll stop pestering you."

"Fine, whatever," Kiba relents.

Ugh. Finally.

"So he's a service dog?" I start.

Kiba nods.

"That your parents wanted you to have for 'protection?'"

"You already know all this," he snorts, sounding annoyed.

I reach out and pat Akamaru on the head, "Then he's not actually a real service dog, is he? They have to be registered and everything, right?"

Kiba looks uncomfortable, "No, he is…"

"He's legitimately registered as a protection service dog?" I want to believe him, but this founds fake as fuck, "That's a thing you can do?"

He shrugs, "I guess."

"But why do YOU need a service dog?" I ask. "I mean… not just anyone can get a service dog. They need to be specially trained and shit, right? What is Akamaru trained for?"

Kiba's jaw tightens and he looks like he's teetering on how much he wants to tell me.

Instead of prying and pushing, I sit silently and wait for him to respond. It's quiet for what feels like a long time.

"It's like…" he pauses, trailing off before picking back up again. "It's like… if something sets me off, he'll know."

"Like a trigger?" I pry, wanting a more concrete answer instead of the vague shit he's giving me.

He lets out a sigh. "Yes, like a trigger…"

Kiba is the last person I would expect to need something like that.

"You're more in control of your emotions than like, anyone I know," I say in disbelief. "The only time I've ever seen you openly upset about something is when you're like, drunk off your ass."

"Well, it hasn't really…I don't think you've seen it, you know?" he mutters. His cheeks are red and he looks embarrassed as hell.

I seriously want to pull my hair out. I have no idea what to say to him because he's giving me literally nothing to go off of and it's fucking infuriating to feel like you know jack shit about your best friend.

"Okay," I take a deep breath, "So what does Akamaru do? What does it look like when he's 'working,' y'know? How can I help if I'm around when that happens?"

I'm just trying to be support, but I don't think it's working because Kiba looks absolutely fucking mortified to be having this conversation.

"I don't know," he mumbles.

"Come on, man," I say gently. "Give me something."

"He'll… try to get me out of situations," Kiba starts. "He's trained to sense if I'm panicking. He'll distract me or create disruptions to keep me grounded or he'll try to remove me from certain situations. Like, if he senses that I'm freaking out then he will start barking and shit to give me an excuse to leave."

I nod my head slowly as I follow along. "Smart dog…"

"Yeah," Kiba agrees, putting a hand on Akamaru. "He's been great so far…"

"So… are you in therapy?"

"Sorta," Kiba murmurs. "Not regular sessions, though."

"Are you, like, okay?" I pry.

He snorts back a laugh. "Not really."

This sucks. This really fucking sucks. I thought that all of Kiba's problems stemmed from his parents being overprotective and controlling, but if he went to a doctor and they got him this dog, they're probably actually trying to help whatever this is get better, right? I don't even know what to make of this. I need to rework all the facts, but all the facts are telling me is that I don't understand fucking jack shit about what's going on.

"Can I help at all?" I offer. I don't really know what else to say.

"Um," Kiba mumbles, "I don't think so. Not really—sorry."

"So having Akamaru is good for you, yeah?" I wonder aloud, "Well, I'm really glad he's here then."

"Yeah," is all Kiba says.

"Did you get a diagnosis?" I ask. Maybe it's the wrong question to ask, but I sincerely want to know. I feel like this will help me to understand some of what is going on in his life. Honestly, that's all I want. I just want to understand. I don't want to make things worse for him. I feel like I might've done that in the past.

"Yeah," he says again. "I kind of had a feeling, though. I didn't even need to hear a doctor confirm it."

I nod, urging him to continue.

He glances at me and then glances away, staring down at Akamaru. I feel bad that he looks so uncomfortable.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," I add.

"PTSD," he murmurs.

I frown at that. Shit. That's serious.

"What are your triggers?" I ask. "I don't want to trigger you."

He shakes his head. "I don't want to talk about that." Before I can argue he puts up a hand and adds, "You won't trigger me. Seriously. Don't worry about it."

I don't know how he could possibly be so sure that I'll never say or do anything that will set him off, but I guess for the time being I'll have to take his word for it.

"Is it okay if I pet Akamaru?" I ask, wanting to be cautious, "I know some you're not supposed to touch some service dogs."

"Um, I think it's okay." Kiba tells me, rubbing behind his pup's ears, "I guess just don't if he's ever doing any of the behaviours I was describing before."

"Like bothering you to leave with him?"

Kiba nods, "Yeah, or like, licking my face or circling around me. Sorry, it might be confusing since it's meant to be kind of discreet. Hopefully something like that will never happen with you around anyway."

I shrug. "Even if it did, I'd want you to tell me, y'know? I wouldn't want you to feel all weird about it and shit."

"Yeah, yeah," he murmurs dismissively.

"Kiba?"

"Hm?"

"Like…" I trail off, unsure how to ask what I want to ask next. "What happened to you?"

He makes a face. "I don't really want to talk about that, Naruto."

"Okay," I say, letting it go. "Sorry. I probably seem nosy, but I won't push. If you ever want to talk about it, though… I'll always listen."

"Thanks," he mutters.

I doubt he'll ever tell me. I wonder if anyone knows. I wonder if he even spoke to his therapist about whatever the hell happened to him. Do his parents know? They must. Is this why they're so damn extra all the time?

"Thanks for telling me all of this." I say, and I mean it. I feel a lot closer to him. I'll be better at supporting him now.

"Yeah, I don't know how I was really planning to hide it from you anyway," he mumbles, still seeming embarrassed. "I should probably head out now. I have to meet with my professor in her office to talk about having a dog in class."

"Alright, I'll see you around." I give Akamaru one last pat. "Message me if you want to talk more."

"I will," Kiba says, picking up his backpack. I know it's unlikely, but I really hope he does.

Without another word he opens my door and lets himself out, Akamaru trailing behind him.


	11. Chapter 11: Kiba

TW: explicitly discussed childhood sexual abuse and emotional manipulation/gaslighting

 **Kiba's POV**

My parents finally decided I should go to see a therapist. It's something I had been thinking about for a while, but I never go around to actually making any sort of appointment. I didn't want my parents to find out and think I was going behind their back. This made things easier. This way I didn't have to go off on my own. They decided it would be for the best.

So, I saw a woman named Dr. Shizune Kato and she helped me figure out what I kind of already knew - I have PTSD.

That is why I have Akamaru. I felt like I was going off the edge a lot lately. He will help keep me grounded.

I hated seeing a doctor. It was uncomfortable to talk about things I like to keep secret - shitty memories and other stuff.

Normally I think it would have taken me a lot longer to tell a therapist what I was dealing with—if I ever got around to telling them at all—but I didn't even have the choice to put it off because my parents met with Shizune first. They told her everything, essentially. Not how I feel about it, since they're not in my head, but all the broad facts. All the things our family tries to keep buried.

They told her about what happened with Hiro when I was a kid and the barbecue over spring break. I know because she started asking me questions as soon as I sat down.

That first session was fucking hard as hell.

I wanted to be honest, though. I think that's what made is so hard. I've never really talked about it before. With anyone. I never even said the word until I screamed it at my parents the evening we came home from that stupid barbecue. The R-word. I mean, that's what it was, right? I didn't consent. I was fucking brainwashed to the point where I thought what we were doing was normal, even though I knew I didn't like it. Every time I protested, he'd say, " _But you_ _'_ _re my cousin_." So, I thought it was just something cousins did together. He made it out to be something natural. I didn't realize that it wasn't. When our parents separated us, I kept asking where he was. I wanted to see him. I actually fucking missed him.

Then I grew up. I took to the internet. I realized the things we did weren't natural at all. I tend to stay away from the internet now because it's the land of rape jokes. That shit really sets me off.

Ideally, I feel like I should tell Naruto these things. Then he'd really get it. But the words were hard enough to get out the first time. I can't imagine doing it again any time soon – especially considering he thinks I'm so stone cold. Well, he used to… I don't know if he still thinks that now that I've got a service dog. When I was sitting in his room talking to him about having PTSD, I kept wondering if he was thinking I was weak. I knew he wasn't, but I couldn't help the thought. I don't want people to think I'm weak. I feel it, though. I'm crying a lot lately. I feel like I'll inevitably break down in front of someone I really shouldn't break down in front of.

I hate this so much. I can't believe this is how my life turned out.

I'm happy to have Akamaru, I really am, but the process of explaining to everyone why he's around is going to be a pain. I've talked to a few of my professors already and given the university the paperwork on him, but even though they're not allowed to ask questions it's obvious they're curious. They keep telling me that I can come to their office hours if I want to talk, but I don't.

Akamaru and I also have to go to training classes for him to learn all of the special things he needs to know in order to do a good job, which is just another addition to my already stressful schedule. The wait for a pre-trained dog is one to two years and my parents decided there was no way we could wait that long, so instead they picked up a puppy off of the approved breed list and decided we would do it ourselves.

I like it better this way, to be honest. Then I can be with him as he grows up. Plus, I really like puppies. I mean, who doesn't?

My parents haven't been great about this whole thing, but I am hoping they realize that I'm not magically going to get over what Hiro did to me – what he did to me for years.

Naruto was good about all of this. He was annoying as hell, but good. I'm glad he dropped it and didn't keep asking me why I have PTSD.

I wonder if I'll ever end up telling him. I mean it when I say I feel like I owe him. I know that's a weird way to put it, but he deals with so much of my bullshit and he just puts up with it. He's forgiving as hell.

I probably wouldn't even be able to deal with being friends with myself.

Right now I'm headed home. I got stuck on campus late because of a special meeting for pre-vet students they were holding where they brought in a guest speaker.

I took Akamaru with me since I'm technically supposed to take him everywhere, but I felt bad because the people around me were obviously really distracted by him—not in a bad way necessarily, but they all kept staring at him instead of paying attention. It could just be because they thought he was cute, but I feel like since they already know me and Akamaru is a new addition to my presence that it's more likely they were wondering what the fuck he was doing there.

When I'm home, my parents are in the kitchen cooking dinner. I take off my shoes and greet them before heading to my room with Akamaru. I set my phone on my nightstand and grab my laptop, opening it up and then doing a few assigned readings. I don't mind the readings for my science courses, but the ones or my business course are killer. They are so dry, they feel impossible to get through. It makes me wonder how Naruto is finding the readings. He has zero attention span.

After a little while, my parents call me down to eat. I finish the article I'm on and then close my laptop, heading downstairs. When I get there, they look annoyed that I didn't come as soon as they called, but they don't mention it… which is pretty miraculous since they always love to nitpick over the dumbest shit.

"How was school?" my mom asks.

"Fine," I say vaguely once I'm seated.

Akamaru and Kuromaru sit underneath the table sniffing at one another. They seem to like each other well enough, which I suppose is good. I was a little concerned at first because of how huge Kuromaru is. I guess Akamaru will eventually be that size too though.

"You took Akamaru with you to classes?" she inquires, although I don't know why. She knows he was with me all day. I don't know where else I would have put him.

I nod. "My professors were fine with it."

"Well they have to be," she says firmly. I don't understand why she sounds so agitated. Yeah—they have to be. I know that. I don't see how it's important.

"Did any of them ask about him?" she continues.

Oh, I see—it's that she doesn't want me talking about it.

"Not really." I shrug. "They know they can't."

"Good," she murmurs with some annoying sense of finality.

I think my parents are annoyed that it has come to this, even though it was inevitable if you ask me. Maybe if they didn't force me to suppress it for my entire life then this wouldn't have gotten so bad.

Ugh. I don't want to think about it. I hate thinking about it.

I'm so fucking bitter and angry – angry at myself, angry at my parents, angry at my aunt, angry at my uncle, angry at my stupid fucking cousin. I feel like he ruined my life. No matter where I am, he'll still be there. Forever. Touching me.

I guess I begin to zone out, because my mom starts snapping my name.

"Kiba!"

"What?" I ask, annoyed by her tone.

"Your father asked you a question," she points out.

"Oh…" I murmur. "What?"

"I asked you what courses you had today," he says.

"Sorry," I apologize, but I don't really mean it, "I had business and microbiology. Then I had that weird guest lecture with all of the other veterinary students. They talked about all of the necessary steps and how to establish a relationship with a working vet to get experience."

"Is business the class you have with Naruto?" My dad asks.

"It is," I tell him.

He pauses, looking contemplative. My mother does the same.

"He's a little much, isn't he?" she says finally, grabbing her fork and knife and cutting into the meat she made with dinner.

"Um, I guess." I don't know what to say to that. She's probably still mad about him showing up unannounced.

"Does he distract you in class?"

I turn to my father again. "No, not really…"

I don't really get what they mean by that, but I know it's not anything good. Clearly, they don't like him very much. I already knew that. It's funny. They don't even know him. He showed up because he cares about me and that was enough to set my parents off.

I feel like other parents would be happy their kid had a friend like Naruto, but I guess mine aren't.

I mean, Naruto isn't perfect. No one is. He does drugs and he says stupid shit sometimes, but he has a good heart and all that crap.

I think my parents just feel like they need to monitor all of my closest relationships because they don't want me talking about Hiro and the things he did to me. I don't know why they don't want me to tell anyone, to be honest.

They were so reluctant to send me to a therapist. After years of them dealing with my mood swings, all it took was a huge breakdown in front of everyone. I guess they want me to get over it and they think this will help, but truth be told, I don't think I will ever be over it.

"Good," my mom says like it's the most important thing in the world.

"Naruto is great," I decide to add.

"Mm," she muses, tightening her lips, but she doesn't try to say anything else.

She would flip her fucking lid if she knew I had told Naruto that Akamaru was a psychiatric support dog. She would definitely assume that I told him the rest of the story along with it because she probably thinks I don't fucking understand what it's like to have people who respect me enough not to push my boundaries the way they do.

This is all really about keeping face anyway. She doesn't care if I have people to support me. She just doesn't want people to think bad things about our family, although they probably should.

They dealt with what happened in the worst possible way. I learned that while doing my own research. I started researching when I was thirteen. I'd sit in front of the screen and read articles that sounded like they were written about me… but they weren't. A lot of people go through this shit. It fucking sucks, to put it simply.

I'd sit in front of the computer screen and cry reading about how it was bad. What happened to me was bad. At the time, I never thought so. I knew I didn't like it, but I didn't think it was wrong.

I was so fucking brainwashed. Then finally our parents found out. They walked in on us when I was twelve and the rest is history. They separated us for as long as they could, but then it became inevitable that we'd have to see one another again. I think our parents hoped it would blow over, but that's so fucking stupid. Something like that can't just be dismissed or forgotten.

It fucking kills me. It makes me feel sick and filthy, like I could throw up.

After dinner, I go back to my room and do a little more reading. Around 9PM I decide to go to sleep because I have nothing else to do and, honestly, my mood is really low.

I shower quickly, brush my teeth and as I am about to crawl into bed, I get a text. I grab my phone and my heart stops in my throat. The number is unfamiliar, but the message makes me realize exactly who it is

" _Hey, cousin._ _"_

I jump out of bed and run downstairs.

"MOOOOOM!" I shout on my way down. I turn into the living room, where she's having tea with my dad.

"Look," I say, showing her my phone. "That's Hiro, right?"

She sighs sharply. "Ignore him."

Ignore him?!

I feel somewhat dejected because she clearly doesn't care. My dad doesn't even bat an eye.

"Fine…" I mumble forlornly.

.

.

In the morning, I have another fucking text from him. Fuck this. I text back telling him to fuck off. Hopefully he will take the hint and do so.

The following week is all business. I try to stay focused. I haven't been partying at all. I have no desire to – not anymore. Not since me and Naruto… fucked. I still can't believe that happened.

I should have pushed him away right when he kissed me. It was the fucking drugs—they screwed with my head. It just finally felt good to have someone touch me, which literally never happens. I was excited and got in over my head.

I trust Naruto when he says he didn't mean anything by it. I guess I have to. If I run around holding onto this idea that he has a crush on me or whatever just because he wanted to fuck me when he was on E he could flip the argument on me just as fast.

The whole thing sucks, but I'm glad we're past it. I don't know what I would have done if we stopped being friends over something as dumb as that just because I can't get my shit together enough to talk about my fucking feelings.

I wonder if it will always be this way.

Hopefully not... but I can't see things improving any time soon. That would be a miracle and I don't really believe in those. If I did, I'd probably wish for Hiro to get hit by a damn truck. He deserves it. He deserves to hurt.

He keeps texting me. I'm trying to ignore it, but that seems fucking impossible. It's driving me nuts. I want him to fucking die. Or at least leave me alone. I'd settle for that. I just don't want to be around him. I want to forget about his existence. That makes things easier. Then it isn't constantly on my mind.

I'll never hate another person as much as I hate him. Just thinking about it makes my blood boil.

He's saying such antagonistic shit. I don't even know how the fuck he got my number. He must have asked my aunt and uncle for it, but I don't know what on earth could have made them think that was a good idea. Usually they have at least some amount of self-preservation.

Hiro keeps asking why we never see each other anymore, as if he doesn't fucking know. He's just trying to remind me that he has my entire psyche wrapped around his finger.

The barbecue was the first time he saw me freak out like that. Usually I'm cold and distant but I've also been so fucking good at not letting it show through just how much he's getting to me. I can't help but think that maybe my display reignited his interest and that's why he's contacting me now. It makes me want to tear my fucking skin off.

On the plus side, Akamaru is real good at sensing when I'm freaking out – even if I'm trying to be cool about it. It helps to have him push me out of it.

I got a text from him in class the other day and that shit was nasty. I really had to play things down. I don't think anyone noticed anything was out of place.

I'm ignoring them and deleting them, but they still stick in my head – the things he's saying. I don't want this to get worse than it has. I really should have controlled myself at that fucking barbeque, then maybe we wouldn't be here. Then maybe he'd still think I was totally stone cold. Now I probably seem like the opposite. Weak. I hate it, but it's probably true. I feel weak all the time, like a stupid child who needs to be taken care of. That's how my parents always make me feel, too. No one ever leaves me alone.

My parents probably do think I'm going to kill myself. That's why they're always up my ass. Jeez, they could at least be nicer about it, though.

I'm so on edge lately I'm moody as hell. I think my parents are getting sick of it. They're annoyed that recovery is taking longer than they thought.

I feel like Hiro broke the dam I built up inside my head at that barbeque and now I'm just a total mess all the time.

Sometimes I think that maybe I'll never recover. Truthfully, I don't think I will. I mean, how does someone recover from a thing like this? It'll always be with me. _He'll_ always be with me and that's probably what he wants.

Right now, I'm in business class yet again.

I'm finished my final assignment. I'm trying to help Naruto with his. Then we can start studying for the exam next month.

I can't believe the year is almost over. Then summer. I'm not looking forward to summer, to be honest. I always spend too much time at home or at parties… but I still don't feel like partying. I guess it's not a bad thing. Nothing good ever happens at parties. Plus, I can't hold my liquor lately.

After class, me and Naruto get coffee. He buys for me. I don't ask him why. He probably feels bad for me or something. Whatever. I take it and take a sip. I feel groggy, so hopefully this will help.

"How are yah lately?" he asks me, eying Akamaru.

"I'm alright." I shrug. I can't tell him about Hiro's messages. That's the only part of the secret I'm still holding onto and I plan to keep it that way.

"That's good," Naruto nods, but I think he knows I'm not telling the whole truth, "and Akamaru's helping?"

"Oh yeah, Akamaru's the best." I reach down and pat him on the head. "He's the only good thing that came out of this whole stupid mess."

"I'm really glad to hear that." Naruto takes a drink of his coffee. "You seemed like maybe you were doing a little better lately."

Do I? That's good I guess. I don't feel like I'm doing any better, in fact I might be doing worse, but if it doesn't come off that way I'm happy about it.

"Yeah," is all I say since I don't really want to get into a conversation about it. I think Naruto senses that because he doesn't say anything else about it.

We head to the library to do a little work before I need to head to my next class. I help Naruto polish up his Business assignment. He whines about it the entire time, but I think he'll do all right.

"Stop complaining," I say. "You'll feel really good when it's finished."

"I knoooow," he moans.

Naruto procrastinates worse than I do. It makes me wonder what his marks are. He said he has been passing and that's all he cares about. I guess, for him, it doesn't matter. He says he probably won't even use his degree. It might change, though, if he ends up discovering his passion.

I try to be reassuring that it's okay if he doesn't know what he wants to do, but frankly I don't understand why anyone who didn't have an idea of what they were pursuing would go to university.

Naruto's different, I guess. He doesn't pay to be here. He's on a full-ride scholarship or whatever that helps him with his education and housing fees. For that, it does make sense for him to go to university—although I think it's kind of a waste if he doesn't take the experience seriously.

It's kind of miraculous how well Naruto turned out considering what happened with his parents. I guess Karin's family was really welcoming and helped him adjust. Plus he was so young when they were killed that maybe it didn't have much effect on him at all.

Naruto seems to function pretty well all in all. A lot better than me, at least. I've never really asked him about his parents, but I know if I did he'd gladly tell me about them. He'd probably actually like that. I don't think he gets to remember them like that very often.

He has a photograph of them on his nightstand. I always see it when I go over. In the photo, he is sitting at the kitchen table with his father, Minato, and his mother, Kushina. He's is in the center and there's a cake in front of him with five candles. A few months after he turned five, his parents got murdered.

It's fucking sad. I wonder how the hell he coped with it. Part of me wants to ask, but I don't want to open up an annoying can of worms. I don't want him prying into my life in return. Maybe I'm just not giving him enough credit, though. Maybe he wouldn't pry.

I wonder if he'd ever bring it up on his own, or if there is something I could say that would make him want to.

Ugh. I sound just like him. All nosy and shit.

It really is irritating how he does that. He gets all close to people and then makes them feel like they owe it to him to spill all their secrets. I don't think he means to—I think he genuinely just feels more connected to people that way. It's not like he's untrustworthy or something, but he doesn't know when to stop pushing for information. You can be close to people without knowing what goes on in their head every second of their lives.

Or maybe you can't.

Jeez. I don't fucking know. It's not like I'm exactly an expert on it.

"Earth to Kiba," Naruto says, waving his hand in front of my face.

"What?" I ask, slapping his hand away.

"You look like you're zoning out hard," he says. "What are you thinkin' about?"

"None of your business," I retort.

He looks sour and huffy. "Fine, douche."

For a few minutes I'm quiet. Naruto stares down at his work and as far away from me as possible. It makes me feel guilty. I shouldn't be getting short with him. He's just trying to be nice.

"Sorry," I mumble an apology.

He glances up and smiles, shrugging. "It's cool." He glances back down, highlighting passages in his notebook.

Ugh he's so damn patient. Anyone else probably would have high-tailed it out of here a long ass time ago.

That might be why I don't have more friends. Maybe it's my fault for being a cranky asshole. Maybe it's my parents' fault for not letting me spend my time around anyone I actually got along with. Maybe it's nobody's fault and I just have too many fucking problems that are out of my control for people to tolerate me.

"It's not cool," I mumble softly.

"Seriously Kiba, it's fine," Naruto replies, his eyes glued to his book. "I understand."

I don't know exactly what he understands, but if he does I wish he would fucking explain it to me because I sure don't.

"How?" I decide to ask him.

"Huh?"

"How do you understand?" I reiterate.

"Well, we all have some shit," he says, staring up at me again. "Don't think I'm comparing myself to you or anything like that… I mean, our lives are totally different and I don't know what you're going through… but I do know what it's like to struggle."

I guess this is the opening I've been waiting for.

"Your parents…" I start. "How did you cope with that?"

He wrinkles his nose and then shrugs before stretching his arms out over his head. "I guess… I just did. I don't know. I was welcomed into a loving home. I was never told I had to stifle myself. I cried when I needed to. Even now, I cry when I need to. It makes things easier. If I went into foster care, maybe it would be a different story… but I didn't, so I can't know for sure."

"Oh," I say. I want him to talk about it more, but I don't want to seem like I'm trying to get him to relive the worst moment of his life when I won't even tell him about mine.

"Even though it obviously sucked…" he continues vaguely, "I kind of just ended up okay?"

"—and the drugs?" I can't help but ask. I know I've talked to him about it before and that he didn't have an answer then, but I can't help but feel like there's something there.

Naruto gives me a sideways look. "I just like them."

"Why do you like them so much though?" I pry.

He shrugs. "Because they feel good."

It's such an unsatisfactory answer. That can't be why. It literally just can't be.

It kind of pisses me off actually. I dug deep down and told him all about Akamaru and me going to therapy. I don't know why the hell he can't open up and tell me why the fuck he's addicted to cocaine.

"That's stupid," I mutter, probably sounding pretty damn bitter.

"There isn't always some deep, dark reason for why people do drugs or sleep around or whatever else," he adds. "Some people just do these things because they like to, even if other people might call it unhealthy."

"So you just do all these things because you _want to_?" I ask flatly.

"Yeah," he insists. "I know it's not your cup of tea, but I have a good time."

"Why do you need to do that to have a good time?" I dig deeper.

"It feels good," he says. "That's all there is to it, man. I don't know what else you want me to say."

I don't get his reasoning… or lack thereof. It makes no sense to me.

Whatever, if he doesn't want to talk about it then I'll just have to let it go for now. It is surprising though considering that Naruto is usually pretty willing to share what's going on in his life. Maybe he just doesn't know why he does it yet. He might figure it out later, and then he'll tell me.

In the meantime I won't bother him.

"I have to go to class," I tell him, beginning to gather up my books.

"Oh, okay." Naruto sounds bummed out. "Want to come hang out after?"

I'm pretty sure that's code for helping him finish his project.

"Sorry," I sympathize, "My parents want me home. I'll see you tomorrow though. Eight by the coffee cart?"

Naruto nods and I grab Akamaru's leash, leading him out of the library.

I head to my next class and sit in the back corner. I don't know anyone in this course and I'm not really looking to make any friends, so I stay quiet. I pay attention. People stare at Akamaru. I ignore them. Et cetera. The usual.

.

.

When I get home, my parents are having tea in the living room. I greet them and they invite me to sit with them. They ask about school, about my marks, my assignments and then they ask if Akamaru is behaving.

"Of course he is," I say.

I want to ask them about moving in with Naruto for my second year at university. I think I've earned it, but I don't think they'll see it that way.

I'm doing really well in my classes. I haven't had any outbursts in front of them since the barbecue. I'm doing everything they ask of me. Yet, still, I know the answer is going to be no.

"I wanted to ask you guys something." I pat Akamaru on the head.

It's awkward and forced to talk to them about this sort of thing. I don't have an easy time saying what I want because they haven't exactly proven in the past that they're very open to new ideas—even if those ideas will help me.

They both visibly tense up, like they know what's coming. My mom sits up a little straighter, trying to look authoritarian.

"It's getting close to the end of the school year," I remind them softly, trying to gauge their response.

Neither replies.

"Naruto's been looking into housing for next year, since he lives in the dorms right now and they're closing after exams—" is all I manage to get out before my mom puts a hand up to shush me.

"Kiba, if this is about you moving in with him like you mentioned before I can save you the trouble and tell you now that the answer is no."

"But –" I start again, only to be cut off again.

"No," she says for a second time and then she looks at my dad to back her up.

"Kiba, we think it is best if you continue to live at home for now," he says.

"But why can't I make that choice for myself?" I ask.

"Because we know what's best for you," he finishes.

It makes me mad.

I hate this. I hate that they think they know what's best for me. Only I know what's best for me. I wish they weren't like this. It's too fucking much.

"How?" I demand shakily. "HOW do you know what's best for me?"

"We're your parents."

"So what!" I exclaim.

"We know what you're like and what you need. We've known you longer than anyone else," my mother explains, "Longer than Naruto. Is he the one that's been suggesting you move in with him?"

"No! Well—yes, but he hasn't been pressuring me!"

It fucking kills me that they're trying to blame Naruto. Like I couldn't possibly think of something like this, something they don't like, on my own. It's a total load of crap actually.

"You never brought up something like this until you started spending time with him," she points out.

"Of course not!" I spit back, "I didn't fucking have any real friends until I started spending time with him!"

"Kiba!" she shouts my name. "Stop this nonsense! I'm not going to let you screw up your life by moving in with that hooligan!" Her voice keeps getting louder until she's full on hollering at me.

Great. I really pissed her off. She always blows her lid faster than my dad, but clearly they both don't give a fuck about what I have to say. I'm not going to sit here and listen to this shit. I stand up and stomp upstairs. Akamaru follows. I sit in my room and it's times like these that make me wish I had a lock on my door. But I don't.

I pick up my phone. I have a few notifications, but I ignore them. I decide to shoot Naruto a text telling him that my parents aren't into the idea of us living together. He shouldn't be surprised. I mean, I told him to expect it.

He replies almost immediately. Of course. That loser is always with his phone.

NARUTO: Oh, you asked them?

I type back that I did. I wait a few seconds and my phone beeps again.

NARUTO: They freak?

I tell him that they obviously did. I knew they would. He knew they would. It's fucking obvious as hell that they weren't going to go for it.

NARUTO: Do it anyway.

Who is he kidding? There's no way I could just up and move out without their permission. They would lose their minds over something like that.

I type back that I can't afford rent.

NARUTO: My scholarship covers full rent for a place. Dude just fucking do it. Are you going to live there forever?

Jeez, that makes the offer seem even more tempting – especially considering how pissed off I am at my parents right now. So, I tell him I will think about it and this time I actually mean it. A minute later he sends me a string of stupid emojis and before I can say anything else, my bedroom door swings open and my mom looks like a steamboat about to fuckin' blow.

My dad is standing behind her.

Goodie.

I tuck my phone in my pocket and look at them expectantly.

"You're grounded," my mom says.

My jaw drops and I'm taken aback. I can't even remember the last time I was grounded

"Mom… I'm a grown ass man," I point out.

"Then why don't you start acting like it?" she retorts.

"Fuck you," I snap back. "Have fun trying to enforce something like that."

"Try me!" she hisses.

Behind her, my dad looks annoyed. I can't tell if he's frustrated with me for getting her all riled up or her for acting like such an insane bitch.

"Fine," I say, standing up from my desk. "I'll see you later."

I walk towards the door to my bedroom and push past her. I don't think I've seen my mother look more offended in her entire fucking life. She turns around and stares at my dad, who stares back at her. He could probably physically stop me if he really wanted to, but he doesn't. What was he going to do, fucking pin me down?

I slip my sneakers on and slam the door as loud as I can before leaving with Akamaru. I walk down the driveway and down the street. It's dimming by now. I shove my hands in my pockets and continue walking. I don't even know where the fuck I'm going to go. I should probably get something to eat, though, since I won't be dining at home tonight.

I kick a pebble down the road as cars continue to zoom past me. I end up at a diner. I sit down and order something cheap on the menu since I don't really feel like spending too much money. I don't really HAVE that much money. My parents take care of everything.

I eat slowly, trying to waste time. I don't want to return home any time soon. I want them to think about the things they said to me because that whole argument was so fucked up.

I can't believe my mom thinks she has that amount of power over me. I'm nineteen fucking years old for fuck's sake. Even my dad obviously thinks the way she acts is so extra sometimes. He's probably getting his ass handed to him right now for not literally grabbing me and forcing me back into the house.

Naruto's right. I should just fucking move out. It doesn't fucking matter what they think as long as I'm not relying on them to pay my rent. They would never stop paying for my degree anyway—it's about the only thing they have to brag about me on.

I hope they're fucking worried about me right now. They fucking deserve it. It's probably the first time in forever that they haven't known exactly where I am.

I pull my phone out of my pocket and debate on calling someone, but I don't know who I would call, so I don't. I could call Naruto, but what would I say? Nothing I can come up with sounds like it needs to be said. It all sounds stupid and unnecessary.

I continue eating and when I'm done I pay and head out. I continue to walk around for a while longer until I am on the opposite part of town. I check the time on my phone and it's getting pretty late. It's dark by now, but I still don't want to head back. Maybe this is petty and spiteful of me, but I want my parents to keep worrying about me for a little while. I want my mom to apologize, even though I know that is something that won't ever happen. She truly believes that she knows what is good for me. She doesn't give my sanity much credit at all.

I look around, trying to decipher exactly where I am before heading to a park that I know is nearby.

If I can find a good stick maybe I'll play fetch with Akamaru.

.

.

By the time I get back to my own neighborhood it's nearing 1 am, but I know there's no way my parents are in bed.

In fact, they might not even be home. They might be out looking for me.

As I near my house I see the living room light on. Great. I guess they stayed up for me after all. This should be fun.

When I get to the front door I realize I forgot my keys.

I jiggle the handle. It's locked.

Of course it's fucking locked. Of course after a night of blatantly disobeying my parents I would have to knock on the damn door to be let back inside.

I give the door a sheepish tap.

God damn it. This sucks.

They make me wait for a few minutes but then the door finally swings open. My dad lets me in while my mom stands there with her arms crossed

"Where the hell were you?" she hisses.

Yeah, she is still pissed off.

"Just… out," I say vaguely. "Nowhere, really."

They don't believe me. I can tell they don't believe me. They want me to be more specific.

"I went and got food," I decide to add, slipping out of my sneakers when I step inside. I close the door behind myself and I try to go upstairs, but my mom grabs my arm.

"Not so fast," she says. "We are going to talk about this."

"Are you going to apologize?" I ask her.

"I don't have anything to apologize for!" she shouts. "You're the one who kept us up all night worried!"

I can't help but roll my eyes at that. "Please. You knew I was fine. If you didn't you would have called the police."

She knows that I'm right and also looks like she might have a fucking stroke if we keep fighting, so I turn away and start heading up the stairs.

My mom and dad follow me. I swear to god I'll get in bed and go to sleep with them still yelling at me if I have to. I don't give a fuck.

When I get to my room I head over to the outlet by my bed to plug my phone in. I glance at my desk and notice that it's messier than I remember leaving it. Fucking hell.

"Did you go through my shit?" I ask angrily, picking up one of my notebooks from last semester that's been pulled out from my shelf and shaking it at my parents in the doorway.

I can't fucking believe this bullshit.

"We were concerned," my mom reasons and I want to fucking laugh at that.

"Yeah, right!" I seethe. I'm literally shaking with anger. They've just betrayed the tiny grain of trust they managed to somehow maintain.

What's next? My phone?! If they go through my phone, I'm dead. Me and Naruto talk about a lot of shit through text and I know that my messages with him would be the first thing they look for. They'd find out we slept together… They'd find out a lot of shit I don't want them to ever find out.

I'll need to remember to delete them later just in case.

I toss the notebook across the room and get into bed. I face the wall and leave my back to my parents. I'm not talking to them again tonight. I literally can't. I'm way too angry and they're refusing to see my side of things. I don't know how they don't see that this is screwed up.

Jeez, I feel like crying again. But I won't. That would probably just set them off even more.

Akamaru hops onto the bed and sits with me, trying to comfort me.

"It's for your own good," my mom says.

I don't reply.

"We can't trust you to make good decisions on your own."

They've got some fucking nerve to be talking about trust right now.

"When we see your behavior get better we can reconsider on all of this."

My mom is honestly fucking crazy if she thinks she's going to get me to comply to all her rules just because she 'grounded' me. I'm a fucking adult. Just because I live at home while I go to university doesn't mean they can walk all over me.

I continue to ignore them and eventually I hear my door close and them walk away. Finally. Fucking hell.

I sit up, checking to make sure my phone is charging and setting an alarm for seven in the morning. Then I pull off my jacket and change into some comfier sleep clothing.

I get back in bed, not bothering to go brush my teeth. One night won't kill me.

.

.

The following morning I roll out of bed, grab my shit and head out. I don't bother trying to put myself together. Alongside Akamaru, I slip into my shoes and then I realize my mom has my keys.

Great.

I turn into the kitchen and she announces that she is going to take me to school today.

Fucking great.

I don't bother responding to that. I make a piece of toast and then I wait by the door.

A few minutes later she follows and we leave. I sit in the passenger seat of her car and the ride is uncomfortably silent. I don't want to break the silence. I haven't spoken to her since last night and I know if I do it'll just be more arguing.

"You should at least try to look presentable," she murmurs halfway.

"Whatever," I snort.

I really don't give a fuck. Basically every single person in my classes shows up in sweatpants. We're not there to impress people with our clothing, we're there to study.

She gives me a disgruntled look out of the corner of her eye but doesn't try to say anything else. Good. I want her to shut the fuck up for once in my life.

I stare out the passenger window. I don't even want to fucking look at her.

When we get to school I direct her right to the lot that the coffee cart is by. Naruto will be waiting and I want her to literally watch me walk up to him. I want her to see that unless she literally locks me in my bedroom she's not going to have any control over who I spend my time with.

When we get there, she stops the car and I get out, not bothering to tell her bye or thanks for the ride. With Akamaru, we both head straight for Naruto. I spot him right away. The cashier hands him two cups of coffee and then he turns around, grinning at me

"Hey, hey," he says. Then he glances behind me. "Is that your mom…? Did she drop you off?"

"Yeah," I mutter, turning around and glancing at her. I knew she'd wait around to see where I went. "She's being fuckin' ridiculous right now."

"What happened?" he pries.

"I got grounded," I snort. I almost still can't believe it because it's so stupid.

"Jeez, what did you do?" he asks.

"Nothing major," I say. "I mean, it's so stupid… I'm not a child. She's just mad that I want to move out and she thinks I'm probably going to end up screwing myself up somehow if I do."

"Man, I really don't get your parents," he murmurs. "They're weird as hell. I get being strict, but they're, like, on a whole other level…"

"Yeah, they are," I agree bitterly.

"They should let you make some decisions for yourself," he adds.

I roll my eyes at the prospect. "They never let me do that. They never have and they probably never will."

"That's why you need to move out," Naruto says. "It'll make you feel more independent. Plus, I can show you how to do the things you never learned how to do."

We head to sit on a bench. My mom is gone by now, but she's probably going to report to my dad that I'm with their least favourite person.

Naruto would probably hate to know that they thought of him that way. He puts all of his time and energy into being supportive of me and he would bug out at how ass-backwards their impression of him is.

"When they tried to ground me I got up and left," I decide to tell him. I don't know exactly why, but I'm kind of proud of myself.

Naruto's jaw drops, "You didn't."

"Yeah," I nod, "I didn't come home until like one in the morning."

He cracks a smile. "Dude, Kiba, that's fucking awesome."

For a second I can't tell if he's serious or not. It's not really all that revolutionary for a nineteen year old to leave his own house. I guess for me it is, though.

"They were so mad," I continue, "They went through all my shit while I was out."

"They what?" Naruto's smile falls. "Did they find anything?"

"No," I scoff. "I don't have anything to hide from them in my room and I took my phone with me."

Speaking of, I should probably delete my old messages.

"Good," Naruto murmurs.

When we're seated, I take my phone out of my pocket and erase my entire chat log with Naruto. Just to be safe. The last thing I need is for them to find out I did anything with Naruto. They'd never let me forget about it. They'd probably ask a lot of questions and demand answers even though it's none of their business whatsoever.

"I'm deleting them just in case they decide to take my phone," I add.

"Would they do that?" he wonders.

"Wouldn't put it past them," I admit.

Naruto wrinkles his nose. "That is real messed up, man. I dunno how you live like that."

"Well, it's not fucking fun," I mutter. I set my phone down and then add, "It's fucking overwhelming."

"I bet," Naruto sympathizes. "I can't really imagine."

I envy Naruto's freedom. He has so much of it. I feel like I have absolutely none. My parents say they're only trying to help me, but it feels like they are mostly just trying to protect themselves and their reputation. That's why they are constantly apologizing to our relatives for my behaviour when their son is the one who did this to me.

I sip on my coffee, trying not to think about how hellish the next few weeks are going to be with my parents driving me everywhere and watching my every move.

I wonder what would happen if when my mom came to pick me up in the afternoon I just refused to go. It's not like she could make me, and if I caused enough of a fuss she would probably get embarrassed and just leave.

It wouldn't work though—I have too much shit I need at home that I couldn't get through the week without, like my phone charger and Akamaru's food. I don't have the money to buy that kind of crap either. Ugh. I really need to get a job.

I should try to get something going this summer – especially if there is even an inkling of possibility that I might move out. I don't want Naruto to have to support me. It would make me feel so pathetic, even though I know he doesn't mind.

"You good?" Naruto asks me.

"Yeah, I'm good," I say.

.

.

After classes, my mom picks me up. She is silent. She seems angry, though. I'm kind of dreading the talk we're likely going to have when I get home.

"How was school?" she asks, sounding cold.

"Fine," I say vaguely.

"Did you get any new marks back?"

"Not yet."

Then it's quiet again. Soon, we're pulling into the driveway. I trudge inside followed by my mother.

I kick my shoes off in the front hallway, Akamaru circling around my legs. He can tell I'm upset and is trying out some of the 'leave the situation' behaviours he learned while we were working with the service dog trainer.

"Kiba," she says before I can even begin my getaway up the stairs to my room, "We have to talk about last night."

What she really means is that she wants another opportunity to justify why she should be able to rifle through all my shit whenever she wants without any repercussions. She wants to tell me that it's my fault for being such a fucking crazy, unstable kid. It's for my own good.

"No," I snap, "I don't want to fucking talk to you."

She looks completely scandalized, but I'm not in the mood to have all of this thrown in my face.

Instead of responding to me, she holds out her hand. Then she says, "Give me your phone."

I scoff. "Are you serious?"

I'm not even shocked. I half expected it to come to this.

She doesn't waver one bit. "Yes, I'm serious."

I roll my eyes like that, taking it out of my pocket and tossing it down the hallway at hard as I can.

"Kiba!" she shouts my name angrily. "Go pick that up."

"No," I say before turning away and heading up to my room. Hopefully she'll leave me alone for a little while. We both probably need some time to cool the fuck down.

I decide to shower since I forewent it yesterday and I'm starting to feel kind of gross. I grab a change of clothes and a towel before moving across the hall.

I don't bring Akamaru with me when I bathe, although I think I'm supposed to. He's supposed to go everywhere with me but it just feels too mean to have him sitting there waiting while I turn the bathroom into a sauna.

I turn on the tap and let it run for a bit. When I finally undress and climb into the shower, the water is scalding hot. It hurts at first, but I like the way my skin feels numb afterwards. I also never get to take as long as I want to because my parents come pester me, so it's nice to have the room be all warm and steamy while I get dressed.

My mom doesn't come to bother me today though. Maybe she's finally had enough of me.

When I feel a little better, I turn off the taps and climb out. After drying off, I put sweats and a t-shirt on. When I open the door, Akamaru is waiting by my door.

"Hey, buddy," I say to him. He follows me back inside and I debate on doing homework, but I forego. I don't have that much to do right now, so I'm going to take it easy tonight and tackle what little I do have on the weekend.

I sit on my bed with my laptop. I feel emotionally gross right now and I don't even know why. I don't want to blame my mom for everything, but there are times when she honestly makes me feel so much worse. Then my dad just sits there and watches it all happen. I wish he'd side with me just ONCE, but he never will.

I shoot Naruto a message on Facebook letting him know that if he wants to get a hold of me he'll have to contact me on there. He doesn't really need an explanation—he'll know my mom has my phone.

I'm glad I remembered to delete my messages. It would have been a shit show if I'd had to try to do it right in front of her.

Now that my chat with Naruto is erased though, I don't really care that she took it. She can keep it for as long as she fucking wants.

I close my laptop and roll over, petting Akamaru and gesture for him to climb onto the bed. He hops up and lies on top of me. I take a deep breath.

This is fine. I'm fine.

.

.

The weekend is boring. Friday was quiet. Naruto invited me out, but I wasn't up for it and even if I was… I wouldn't have been able to go. I'm grounded.

So far, Saturday is also quiet – though it's still only morning. My dad woke me up early to ensure I wouldn't waste the day. I think this means they hope I will spend it studying since I have nothing else to do.

My parents are getting ready for work. I'm sitting in the living room eating a bowl of cereal and watching television. I'm surprised my mom hasn't come in and told me that being grounded means no television. I guess it doesn't matter. She can't exactly watch me when she's at work.

I can't fucking wait until they leave. Then I'll be able to relax. I can't relax is they're here. They make me feel so on edge.

If they could they'd probably stay at home all day to pester me. It's a wonder one of them doesn't call in sick just to babysit me since they seem to think I'm so damn incompetent.

"There's lunch in the fridge," my mom says offhandedly as she rushes around the house trying to find her portable coffee mug, "Things for sandwiches or some pasta salad I made last night."

I don't bother looking at her. She doesn't need any amount of affirmation in the thought that I don't know how to fucking feed myself.

Finally they leave. Not a second too late. My mother muses a goodbye that mostly sounds like she's trying to mask her anger and my dad says nothing, as per usual.

I bum around the living room for a while after they're gone. I feel like I can finally chill out a bit without them hovering.

I flip through channels. I haven't actually sat down and watched television in a long time – not including watching Netflix in Naruto's dorm.

I stretch my limbs out, lying on the sofa and settling on some repeats of a sitcom. I am definitely not in the mood to watch anything heavy. Plus, I'm still kind of tired. I haven't been sleeping well lately. I think I'm too stressed out. Apart from that, my parents never really let me sleep in.

I close my eyes for a few minutes just to rest them a bit, but then I hear someone at the front door. The knob rattles a few times, but it's locked, so they can't get in.

 _Knock, knock._

Did my parents come back and forget their keys or something?

I sit up and wander into the hallway and towards the front entrance.

As I approach the rattling stops. They must hear me coming. Akamaru follows at my feet, letting out tiny woofs to alert me to the newcomer's presence.

I leave the chain on the door but turn the handle, opening it just a few inches.

It's Hiro.

For a few seconds I don't react. I don't know how to.

Then I close the door, fast. I turn the deadbolt. The rattling resumes.

"Kiba, come on!" I hear him from the other side of the door.

"Go the fuck away!" I shout back at him.

Akamaru starts barking, making his way back in forth in front of the door while I back away.

What the fuck is he doing here? He's never just shown up like this before.

I swallow the lump in my throat. I feel fucking paralyzed. Akamaru keeps whining by my feet.

I move away from the door and sit at the nearby stairwell that leads upstairs. The rattling has stopped, but I know Hiro isn't going to leave so easily.

Damn it.

What the fuck is he doing here?

I take a few breaths and pick myself back up. I keep the chain on the door before opening it again.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I ask him.

"I just wanna talk," he says.

"About WHAT?" I demand. I'm trying to sound firm, but I think I just sound mortified. I AM mortified, but I don't want him to know that. I feel sick, like I could keel over and die any second.

He looks irritated. "Stop yelling at me, for fuck's sake. Calm down."

I can't calm down. I don't want to calm down. He needs to fucking leave.

"Then get out of here!" I seethe. "I don't fucking want to see you! I never want to see you again!"

Hiro scoffs. He looks annoyed. Like he has any right to be annoyed. "You're being a little bitch," he says under his breath.

"Fuck OFF!" I slam the door again. I don't need to stand here and listen to this shit. If he's going to come to my own home to antagonize me then he can just wait outside by himself all day.

I don't move away down the hall. I don't want to leave. It feels like giving in.

Hiro's silent for a few moments, like he's thinking about what to say next.

"Are you still there?" he asks finally.

I don't reply.

"I mean it," he tries again. "I want to talk to you about something and I think you will want to hear it."

"Then just fucking say it!" I growl.

"I want to talk to you about something that happened to me," he says.

"Go right ahead," I bite back.

For a while, he's quiet.

"You play soccer, right?" he asks suddenly and it sounds very offhanded. "I used to play soccer, too… when I was real little, like seven or eight. My parents thought it'd be a good idea 'cause I didn't have many friends."

I don't really know where he's going with this, but I can't bring myself to move away from the door. I open it a crack, but I still keep the chain on so he can't get in.

"At first, I thought my coach was the coolest guy ever," he continues. "He said I was good… said I seemed like I knew what I was doing… said I had potential and all that shit."

As Hiro talks, I begin to realize that I don't like where this story is heading.

"Stop," I say. My voice is shaky and Hiro's eyes narrow.

"Don't interrupt me—" he replies forcefully, "—and I want you to know."

I stare back at him, silent. Akamaru sticks his snout through the crack in the door to try to get a look at the visitor with the new smell.

"I spent a lot of time with this guy – like every single day after school," Hiro continues. "My parents saw that my soccer skills were really improving so when he suggested I take private lessons it seems liked a no-brainer. I was even really excited."

His eyes are cold and empty. I wonder if this is even hard for him at all.

It doesn't seem like it is, but I suppose I can't know. I'm not in his head. I'm only in my head.

"So, we got _close_ , if you know what I mean," Hiro says. My expression falls and he smiles wryly. "Don't look so upset."

"How can you smile?" I ask hoarsely.

He shrugs. "I just can." He pauses and then starts again with, "You know how the story ends. I probably don't even have to say it, but I'm still going to."

"Why?" I whisper, unable to bring myself to sound any louder than this.

"So you will understand," he says simply. "I want you to understand."

I close my eyes. I don't want to be here. I want him to go home. I wish he never told me any of this. it's hard to hear.

"He started touching me," Hiro says. "He was feeling me up the way some pervert might grab a chick at a bar. My parents never told me about stranger danger, so I didn't really know what to do. I didn't know what it meant and then he kept whispering to me about how much he cared about me. So, first he put it in my mouth –"

"STOP!" I shout shakily, cutting him off.

I feel like I'm going to puke listening to this.

Hiro pauses. He looks fucking annoyed, like it's my fucking fault I don't have the stomach to listen to this kind of crap.

"Shut up," he grumbles. "I'm telling you a fucking story. The least you can do is listen without getting all jumpy."

I want to cry. I don't know how this makes me feel about Hiro. I don't know how this makes me feel about myself. All it makes me feel is sick.

"Well, that's about it anyway," Hiro continues bitterly, "Since you can't seem to collect yourself enough to sit through the rest."

He stares at me expectantly while the story runs through my mind. I can't make heads or tails of it. God, I want to wash my fucking brains out with bleach.

"You're not going to say anything?" he scoffs, scuffing the sole of his shoe against the concrete of our front steps, "You're such a baby."

I guess I am.

I feel like it, at least. I feel small, stupid, childish. I feel like I can't handle things. Should I be able to?

I stare at him. My eyes are all glassy and I keep blinking to try and keep my view clear.

"Let me in," he says. "I'll be nice. I won't talk about it anymore."

I grind my teeth around and then I make the decision to let him in. I pull the chain back and open the door. He slips inside, taking off his shoes. He heads down the hallway like he owns the place. I follow after him like I'm the guest.

We head into the kitchen and I sit at the table as he gets himself a drink from the fridge. He takes one of my dad's beers from the fridge and then sits across from me, smiling.

"Then…" I murmur, trying to pull myself together. "Then… If you know what it's like, why the hell did you do it to me?"

"You're my favourite cousin," is all he says.

I don't really get what he means by that.

"You can cry if you want," he adds. "I won't tease you."

Almost on cue, the tears start to fall. It's like I was just waiting for permission.

They drop into my lap and then onto the table as I lean forward, putting my head in my hands. I let out an anguished sob.

This feels horrible. Everything is different from how I thought and it's disgusting. I want to die. I want to fucking kill myself.

Hiro doesn't say anything, he just stares at me. Then he stands up and walks around the table.

He arrives next to me and sets his beer down. He puts his hand on the back of my neck, still unspeaking.

My skin prickles at the touch and I want to shove him away, but I don't. I just keep crying.

He's too close. He's always too close no matter what, but it's even worse now because he's touching me and it feels like acid tearing away at my skin. It burns.

I still don't know why he's doing this.

I don't know why he had to tell me.

I don't get why it matters all these years later.

It's too late.

He can't right his wrongs just by telling me a story like this.

I feel Akamaru at my leg. In his way he's trying to help, but right now I don't think anything in the world could possibly make me feel any better.

I want to stop crying. I want to pull myself together for long enough to tell him I think he should go, but I know the words won't come out even if I tried.

So, what now?

Hiro takes his hand back, but not before giving me a few condescending pats on the head. It's not in the least bit comforting.

"Well, I have to go," he says very suddenly, "So…just think about it."

Him announcing his leaving is enough to shock me out of my crying fit. I sniff forcefully, wiping at my eyes. Tears are still leaking out, but I'm not full-on sobbing anymore.

"Wait, what?" I ask. I almost can't believe what I'm hearing.

"Um," he stares down at me awkwardly, "I have to go…?"

I should be happy that he's leaving, but I'm not. I can't believe he would show up just to dump something like that on me and then fucking disappear.

"You can't," I say, practically exclaiming the words.

"Why the fuck not?" he asks.

"You just told me something like that… so… you can't just leave," I explain as best as I can.

He cocks his head to the side and stares at me. "So, you want me to stay?"

I don't respond. I just stare back at him.

"Say it," he says, sounding like he needs to hear it. "Say you want me to stay"

"I'm not saying _shit_ ," I retort.

He sits back down, probably realizing that that's as good as it's going to get.

"We can talk more," I tell him.

"You don't exactly sound like you can handle it," he points out.

I must seriously look like I'm about to go off myself, because he goes for it.

"Okay…" He mouths it the way you do when you're dealing with someone you think is fucking insane, then he points to Akamaru. "What's with the new dog?"

"That's Akamaru," I tell him flatly. "He's mine."

"Oh."

"He's going to get really big," I add after a minute. I'm not sure why I feel the need to specify, but I do nonetheless. Maybe I want him to seem kind of threatening.

"Looks like it." Hiro nods. Akamaru has already grown a lot in the past few weeks. He's probably nearing thirty-five pounds now.

"He's for PTSD," I add, spitting the words out. Part of me hopes that will phase Hiro, but it doesn't. Nothing ever does. I'm pretty sure I could say anything in the world to him and he just wouldn't care at all.

"You got that?" Hiro asks carelessly, looking almost humoured by it. "So, he's a service dog?"

I feel bitter as hell. Nonetheless I mutter, "Yeah, I ' _got that_ _'_ and yeah he's a service dog."

Hiro is probably happy he fucked me up this much. He fucked me up to the point where I have some diagnosed mental illness, I need a service dog, I can't cope with shit, I'm a huge fucking crybaby. The list goes on.

I don't know why I asked him to stay. I should have let him leave. What the fuck is wrong with me? I must be some sort of masochist.

"You're so silly," Hiro continues. "You've always been so silly. Like that little outburst at my parents' house—what was that?"

"The barbecue?" I ask and Hiro nods. "You grabbed me," I tell him simply. "I didn't want you to touch me."

"No, I didn't." He rolls his eyes. "I just wanted to fucking talk to you. Then you had to go and be all dramatic about it. It was so embarrassing to get caught up in all that—my parents thought I had really done something bad. That's why they were willing to give me your number so I could apologize"

"You didn't apologize," I grit my teeth.

"No, I didn't," he agrees. "You have to stop being so sensitive all the time."

God, this is making me crazy. I feel like I'm going to implode.

"Have you FORGOTTEN what you did to me?" I remind him angrily, slamming my palm down onto the table.

"We were kids," he says carelessly.

"So?!" I snap. "Kids are impressionable… God knows I was… and what you did to me really messed me up. I'm still so messed up over it…"

"Clearly," he retorts.

How the hell does he not understand?!

Or maybe he just doesn't care.

Is he THAT fucking twisted?

I feel my eyebrows draw together. Honestly, it hurts to hear him talk like that. I loved him a lot when we were kids. He was like my best friend. That's why I trusted him. I listened to him, even when he was telling me to do things we shouldn't have been doing.

It makes me wonder if he would do it again.

It makes me wonder where I would be if our parents never caught us. Would he still be messing me up? It was such a fucked up situation.

"You don't care at all, do you?" I whisper.

You don't care about what you did to me. He probably just thinks it's funny.

"About what?" he wonders.

"Me!" I shout.

"Of course I do," he insists. "You're still my favourite cousin."

I shudder at that. "Well, I wish I wasn't." Then maybe none of this would have happened… Or maybe he would have picked another favourite. I don't know.

I don't want to think that if it wasn't me it would have probably been someone else. One of my other baby cousins. It makes me feel ill.

Hiro looks annoyed, like I somehow offended him. As if he has any fucking right to be offended.

"I think you should probably go," I tell him after an awkward moment of silence. I'm so shaken up. I just want to be left alone.

"Oh so now you don't want to talk?" he asks, brow furrowed. "You were just begging me to stay not even five minutes ago."

"Yeah well I remembered what an asshole you are," I bite back, "And I was not begging."

He scoffs at me. "Yes, you were, but whatever. You're a little puss." With that, he stands up and heads down the hallway. I wait until he's gone, not bothering to walk him out. Fuck that. He knows the way. I don't need to be courteous.

When I hear the door slam I run down the hall and lock it so he can't come back.

I feel disgusting. I feel sick to my stomach, nauseous, just all together gross.

I lie on the floor for a bit and try to calm down. I feel like I might pass out. Akamaru lies on my chest, trying to help me out. He's trying and that alone kind of makes me feel a bit better. Not much, but a bit.

"Thanks, bud," I say to him.

.

.

The evening rolls around and my mom and dad both come home at their usual times, but I still don't feel better. In fact, I feel worse. I keep playing over the whole scenario in my head. I almost can't believe it even happened.

I chose not to tell my parents about Hiro's visit. I don't think they would do anything even if I did tell them. They'd just say it's my fault for not ignoring him and leaving him on the front porch—which honestly I probably should have.

Right now, I'm lying in my bed with the blankets hanging off onto the floor. I haven't moved much since this afternoon—just enough to get myself to my room and shut the door.

My parents haven't come to bother me. They probably think I'm sulking.

I don't want to be here.

I REALLY don't want to be here.

I want to be somewhere else – at school, at the mall, dead on the side of the road… anywhere.

I'd sneak out, but that sounds so fucking childish. I can't believe they grounded me, took my phone, took my car… What's next?

I pull myself up and grab my laptop, opening Facebook. I'm surprised my parents haven't taken my computer yet. I guess they realize that I need it for school and they can't exactly sit around and monitor what I'm doing on it all day. They have shit to do.

I lurk through the front page, not really caring about anything I am seeing until I spot a few photos Naruto was tagged in. He looks like he was at a party last night. Typical. He looks pretty trashed in the photos. He's holding a red cup up and he has his arm around a girl I've never seen before. I bet he screwed her after.

I wonder if she knows that he's fucked around with dudes before or that she'll probably never hear from him again. Ever since he and Sakura broke up he hasn't held any sort of consistency with anyone.

Naruto always argues that he isn't trying to be a player, he just doesn't catch feelings for girls he only sees at parties. I guess that's fair. I wouldn't want to date someone I met once at a frat event either.

Ugh. I wish I could see him. I wish I could fucking talk to him about what happened today but he wouldn't understand without me giving him all of the nitty-gritty details. I hate that I have no one to vent to about this shit—it makes me feel so alone.

I'm kind of annoyed that he went out without me, as stupid as that is. It's just that he doesn't usually. We always go together or not at all.

I guess he's bored. Maybe he would have asked me if I wasn't grounded or if I had my damn phone.

I want to ask my parents when they're going to give me back what little freedom I had before all of this, but I already know that would be a bad idea. If I ask, they'll only make it harder. They want me to wait it out like a good little boy.

Fuck it.

I should just leave.

I don't want to be here.

I'm a good son.

I do everything they ask within reason.

I don't get why this is happening.

I close my laptop and stand up, getting Akamaru's vest. I head downstairs, followed by Akamaru. I grab his leash from the mantel and slip into my shoes. I head out without bothering to announce it to my parents. That would only cause trouble. This is going to cause trouble, too, but whatever. Fuck it.

My mom's keychain sits in a small wicker basket on the credenza by our front entrance. I don't even bother to try and take my car keys specifically off of it—I just grab the whole thing.

It's not that I think they won't notice. In fact, I know they will. There's no way in hell I'm getting away with this. I just don't care.

I close the door quietly and walk down the driveway with Akamaru. We head to my car which it right where I parked it earlier in the week before my parents decided to flip out. I tap the button to unlock it once and slide into the driver's seat, slipping the key into the ignition and turning it over. The starting of the engine is loud, but I don't wait around to see if anyone heard. I throw the car in reverse and back out onto the street, quickly driving away.

I head across town to the university, parking on the side of the road. I take Akamaru out and then we walk up the hill to Naruto's dormitory building.

It's dim outside. I glance up at the sky. Naruto better be home. He most likely is, but there's always the slightest possibility that he went off campus.

When I get to his dorm room, I knock on the door. I feel restless as hell, like I'm about to lose it at any second. It keeps coming in waves. I feel vulnerable, which I hate. Feeling like that always makes me feel small and weak. I hate that feeling more than anything.

After a few seconds, the door opens and I spot Sai.

"Hey," I greet him.

"Hi, there," he responds, opening the door and allowing me to step inside. When I do I spot Nauto on his bed. I guess he didn't go out tonight

"Hey!" he exclaims when he sees me. He's sitting with his laptop, but he closes it a moment later.

"Hey," I reply dryly, walking over and sitting down at the foot of his bed.

"What're you doing here?" he asks, waggling his eyebrows. "Did the Inuzuka prison finally release you?"

"No." I shake my head. "I just left."

Naruto snorts out a laugh. "You just left? Seriously?"

I nod.

"Wow, what's gotten into you? You've been a fucking rebel lately," he jokes. "Leaving the house after eight pm, damn, how does it feel?"

"Good I guess." I shrug, glancing around at everything but him.

Akamaru paws at my feet, letting out a low whine. Naruto leans forward, looking down at him and then back up at me.

"You okay?" He gives me a concerned look. "You seem kinda…off."

And just like that the dam breaks once again. I feel my eyes get heavy and they begin to sting. I guess he senses it because he tilts his head to the side. His gaze seems critical and I feel like I'm faltering under it.

"Kiba…?" he says my name.

"For fuck's sake," I whisper, mostly to myself. I stare down, putting my face into my palm. I let out a loud keening noise and then start to bawl.

"Okay, bye," Sai says before hurrying out the door.

I feel Naruto shift closer until he is sitting next to me. He puts a hand on my back and then says, "Look, I dunno what's going on, but… you CAN talk to me. If you want. Or we can sit here. I'm cool with that, too… but if there's anything I can do to help, let me know."

Fuck, he's too nice. I never know how to react to it.

I want to talk to him. I really do. I just don't know how to. I wouldn't know what to say. He wouldn't know how to react. It's not like telling him would fix anything anyways. At the end of the day I'd still feel like total shit.

I keep crying. God I want to stop. This is so fucking dumb and I feel stupid as hell. Naruto hasn't ever seen me this low before and any ounce of respect he had left for me is going to vanish, no doubt.

I shouldn't have come here—I should have just stayed at home in my own bed and dealt with this on my own like I always do.

It gets hard. It gets lonely. I feel that way no matter what, no matter how close I'm standing to the people in my life. Maybe it's because I never talk to any of them. I can't talk to my parents. I don't have that many friends that I trust. I trust Naruto, but the words still won't spill out.

Akamaru lets out a little whine, pushing his nose into my leg.

I don't know how long we're all sitting here like this. I feel like I'm never going to stop, but I finally do. It makes me wonder how long I've been bawling on his bed. I don't think I even want to know.

I don't feel any better. I thought I would after letting it out, but I just feel ashamed, embarrassed, stupid. I'm afraid to raise my head and make eye contact with him. He's going to look sad – sad for me, his fucked up best friend.

I keep my eyes closed and I keep staring down. I feel trapped and cornered. I want to try and find a way out of the situation, but that's just not fucking possible.

What the hell was I thinking?

Naruto runs his fingers through the shaggy hair at the base of my neck, trying to help me calm down.

"Do you wanna… lie down?" he asks softly, and I nod.

He stands up, moving out of the way so that I can flop onto the pillows. I bury my face into them. I hope I fucking suffocate.

"It'll be okay," he says to reassure me, sitting back down, "Whatever it is."

"Thanks," I murmur hopelessly in response.

I can tell he wants to know, but I just can't.

I don't deserve a friend who wastes his entire Saturday night trying to comfort someone who keeps him completely in the dark. I don't do jack shit in return.

I close my eyes for a few minutes until I no longer feel the need to cry about it. When I'm calmed, I roll onto my side with my cheek pressed against his pillow. He stares at me and says, "Thanks for coming to me."

"Right," I whisper, half wishing I didn't.

"I'm not going to look at you any different just 'cause you were crying," he adds, probably sensing that I'm annoyed with myself. "I mean, you've seen me cry a bunch of times."

"We're different people," I argue weakly.

"So, what?" he asks. "That means you don't deserve to cry? You're not allowed to? You're stupid for crying?"

"That's what I feel like," I mutter, sitting up, "and I can't exactly change that."

He nods his head slowly. "Man, you're parents are dicks for raising you to think like that."

I shrug lazily. "I feel stupid blaming them for everything wrong in my life. I can't blame them forever. I should just… I don't know. Change?"

Naruto smiles wearily. "It's hard to change something that's been engrained into your head since day one."

"Exactly," I agree begrudgingly.

We're quiet. Naruto sits up and goes to his closet, getting a granola bar. He offers me one, but I decline. I'm not hungry. He sits back down and we're quiet. He doesn't force me to talk, so for a while I just don't.

I should say it. I should say SOMETHING.

Say it.

Say it!

"Naruto…"

He glances at me. "Hm?"

No, I can't say it.

"Never mind," I murmur.

He doesn't pry, he just nods. "Feel like watching a movie or something?" he offers.

I don't really, but say yes anyway. The distraction will be good for me.

Naruto grabs his computer and I scoot over to the wall so he can slide into bed next to me. He sits with his back against the headboard but I stay lying flat with my cheek against the pillows.

He pulls up Netflix and starts flipping through the "Recently Added" section. There isn't anything that particularly interests me but I guess it doesn't really matter. After a minute he ends up going to the search bar and typing in the sitcom that I showed him while I was staying over spring break. It's not very high quality but I like it because I used to watch it when I was younger and it's familiar.

Naruto hits plays and sets the computer on his lap. "Can you see?" he asks, and I nod.

We watch a few episodes. I zone out a bit. I'm staring at the screen but not getting immersed in the story. I've seen it all before anyway, so it doesn't matter. My head feels heavy as hell from all the crying, but it begins to wane.

"Do you have any water?" I ask, sitting up.

"Oh, yeah," Naruto says, getting up and going to the mini fridge. He opens it, grabbing a half empty bottle and saying, "This one is mine, is that okay?"

"You've literally been inside of me, I'm not about to complain about your germs," I retort, taking it.

He snickers at that, sitting back down. "Fair."

I sip a bit on the water. I heard that crying dehydrates you, which is probably why it always makes my head feel achy.

Naruto stares at me, like he's trying to figure out what the hell is going on in my head. I don't know how he expects to figure that out though considering I don't even know.

I look back at him. The silence is awkward as hell and I want to break out of it but I have nothing to say. The only conversation worth having right now is about what happened and I'm not about to go down that road.

"Hey," Naruto says in a concerned voice.

I hand him the water bottle and he sets it on his nightstand.

"Kiba –" he tries again, but I cut him off.

"Sh," I tell him.

I stare at him for a moment. He lets me, not saying anything more.

I could use him, right? That sounds bad, but he'd let me. He wouldn't mind. We'd be using each other.

He opens his mouth like he wants to say something else, but then he stops. Maybe he just remembered that I told him to shut up. I don't know. I feel like I should say something, but I don't. Instead, I inch forward. He lets me. I grab the front material of his shirt, pulling him towards me. When we're close enough, I shut the gap. Again, he lets me.

When we pull apart he eyes me. "What's that mean?" he asks.

"Nothing," I tell him.

Maybe it sounds cold and maybe it isn't the whole truth, but it's half of the truth. It's the half that's easier to say.

He smiles wryly. "Oh. Well, I guess I'm okay with that."

I fucking knew he would be.

I let go of the grip I have on his shirt and then I push him so he's leaning back against his pillows. I reach for the tie on his sweatpants and there's a voice in the back of my head asking me what the hell I'm doing. I have no fucking idea. I feel like I'm almost on autopilot – doing something stupid because my body is just moving on its own.

I can't help but think about the last time I was in this position. This isn't the first dick I've sucked and I don't know if it will be the last.

"How are you so good at that?" Naruto asks in a strained tone.

I know he doesn't really expect an answer, but it still makes me feel kind of gross. It makes me think about things I don't really want to think about. It makes me think about the first time. It makes me think about the last time. It makes me think about what people would think if they could see me now. It makes me think about what I think of myself. All bad things. Never anything good.

When he cums I swallow fast, trying not to let myself taste it.

I feel disgusting. It takes me a few seconds to gather up the guts to raise my head. When I do, eye contact feels awkward. I don't know if it's just me or if Naruto feels it, too. Something tells me he doesn't.

"Want me to return the favour?" Naruto asks, tucking himself back into his pants.

"Uh… no, it's cool," I respond, trying to sound chill.

Naruto cocks an eyebrow at me but doesn't try to argue.

"I should probably, um," I mumble. "My parents are probably getting worried."

I think Naruto knows what I'm trying to do because he reaches out and places a hand on my upper arm.

"Hang out for a little bit," he says. "Your parents aren't going to be any more pissed if you go home now or later."

I guess that's true, although it wasn't really the point of my speedy exit.

"We can go get food or something," Naruto suggests, before pointing an accusatory finger at me. "Seriously, don't be weird. You're the one who initiated it so don't be fucking weird."

I suppose he is right about that, though I hate the way it sounds when he says it out loud. I initiated it. I wanted it. Why? Well, that part is complicated. I'm surprised he hasn't asked me. I'm surprised he's not nagging. He seems to be letting things go a lot more lately. Maybe it's because I'm so nuts and he's finally getting it.

This is so stupid. I realize that, yet I also realize that we will probably do it again.

It was a distraction, but I don't know if it was the kind I was looking for. It was just the only thing I could think of doing.

"All right," I relent.

With that, the two of us head out to grab some food.


	12. Chapter 12: Sasuke

**Sasuke's POV**

It's the Thursday before exams start and the university gave us the next few days off to study and prepare, but big surprise, I'm yet to pick up a textbook.

Instead I'm bumming around with Karin in the dining hall, picking at what's left of an omelette that she ordered for me but I didn't really have any desire to eat.

I'm tired. I look like garbage. I FEEL like garbage. I can't believe we have finals next week. It's a miracle that I was even willing to leave my room this morning, but Karin made me promise I'd have breakfast with her.

"We'll study together," she says, noticing how I've been pushing my eggs around my plate. "We'll study all weekend."

It's a nice sentiment, but there's no way I'll be able to get caught up on an entire semester's worth of material in the next four days. Even if I did amazingly on my final exams it wouldn't be enough to pull me up from my generally lacking attendance and pathetic midterm grades.

I feel like I am on autopilot, moving, breathing, going about my daily routine with difficulty… but I don't feel alive.

It's hard to move. To eat. To shower. To wake up. To do the things I should be doing… the things normal people do. I can't function.

"Sasuke?" Karin says my name.

"Oh," I murmur, glancing up at her. "Yeah, sorry… That sounds good, studying, yeah."

She gives me this piteous look and I want to tell her to stop, but I don't. If I were her, I'd probably pity me, too.

I'm not looking forward to exams. I'm not looking forward to failing. I'm not looking forward to showing my parents my bad marks.

I've been putting it off, ignoring their calls. Itachi has been calling me, too, but I never pick up. I'm worried one day they're all going to just show up and I'll have to tell them that my grades aren't good. Then they'll be ashamed. They'll make me feel worse than I already do. They'll ask me why I let things get this bad. They'll demand answers. I doubt I'll be able to tell them. I can't even say the R-word out loud. It was hard enough to tell Karin what happened. To tell my parents would be worse.

Karin has been outstandingly understanding. She hasn't brought up that day even once to try and get more details. I've mentioned little things to her here and there relating to stuff I've remembered or how I'm feeling, but not enough to initiate a conversation really.

She's been helping me with math a lot by making sure we always do the homework together and get the same answers. She brings me her notes too when I don't make it to class. She told me I should talk to Naruto about getting the Business lecture notes, so I'm going to have to do that this weekend before I can actually study.

I'm really not looking forward to approaching him, although he has been better about not getting way too interested in my business lately. I wonder if he's had his hands full with Kiba. Judging by the conversation I overheard and the fact that they're still hanging out, they're probably secretly dating or something. Or Not. I don't fucking know. Maybe some people are capable of keeping things like that casual and being friends.

I don't think I'd be able to do that. I could never be friends with someone I messed around with. I've messed around with a lot of people and I've never had interest in being friends.

After picking at my food a little more, I decide that's enough. Me and Karin head out.

"Library?" she asks.

I want to tell her no. I want to tell her I want to go back to my room, but that seems counterproductive. If we end up back in my room, I'll end up lying in bed and I won't want to get up. I won't end up studying at all.

So, instead of any of that, I somewhat solemnly say, "Sure."

She smiles and we head across campus. I'm hoping we don't see anyone we know because I look like total shit. I haven't showered today or yesterday and I'm still wearing the clothes I slept in. I used to take pride in my appearance. I liked the way I looked. Now it just feels like a bad thing.

When we're in the library, we get situated on a table in the back where all the windows are. It's bright. There are a few other students sitting around at other tables, whispering and studying. No one looks familiar, though, and for that I'm glad.

Karin opens her bag and starts lifting her text books out. "Where do you wanna start?"

"Probably math," I tell her. It will be easy since it's the subject I'm most caught up in and Karin knows the best. It's honestly probably my only chance of a decent mark.

"Sounds good." She nods, pulling out the textbook and flipping to the last chapter we covered.

I pull mine out too and set it on the table, but I don't open it. Instead I follow along over Karin's shoulder. It's the best I can do right now.

.

.

That evening around seven Karin forces me out of my room again and up the dorm stairs to where Naruto lives. She doesn't come with me, but she does tell me not to come back until I have the business notes.

It's a little ridiculous that she has to be so hard on me to get me to do anything, but it's probably for the best.

When I'm standing in front of his room I let out a long sigh and then raise my balled fist, knocking a couple times. A split second later, the door opens and Naruto is standing there.

"Hey, man," he greets with a smile. "Been a while."

He doesn't even ask me why I'm here. He just greets me. How very.

"Yeah," I respond. "I need your business notes."

He nods for me to come in and then he closes the door behind me. I glance around, noticing that his roommate doesn't seem to be here. "You're lucky. Kiba had them a little while ago. My notes are pretty bad, but he missed some classes, so it was better than nothin'. I guess it's the same case for you. Your notes would probably be pretty impeccable, but mine are total shit…"

He keeps talking even though I'm not really responding.

"Hopefully they will help a little bit," he continues, rifling through his mess of crap. "Sorry. I'm pretty sloppy, my shit's all over the place."

"I can see that," I reply, crossing my arms.

He keeps rummaging through shit, every now and then pulling out a sheet of paper and setting it aside. I guess his Business notes are all mixed in with the rest of his coursework. Great. I probably would have been better off just asking the professor to email me the PowerPoint presentations.

"So how have you been?" Naruto asks, trying to make small talk as he slips through a few different notebooks.

"I've been fine," I tell him vaguely. "What about you?"

Normally I wouldn't care enough to ask, but I figure I should be courteous considering he's taking time to give me his notes.

"Oh, you know." He shrugs. "Fine."

"How's Kiba?"

I don't know why I brought it up because technically it's none of my business and I should really stay out of it, but I'm curious. It's weird, usually I wouldn't give a fuck.

Naruto pauses for a moment, glancing up at me before quickly returning his eyes to the notebook he's holding.

"Oh, y'know," he lets out a small chuckle, "Y'know…"

"Not really," I admit. "I haven't been around, remember?"

"Right," he murmurs. Then he lets out another laugh. I guess he's nervous talking about it, but he doesn't even know that I know. "Kiba is okay… Uh, he got a service dog. You probably didn't know that, though, since you haven't been around."

"A service dog?" I pry. "Why?"

Naruto shrugs. "Dunno if I'm supposed to say why."

"Fair," I relent, not pushing for details. "That must mean he's not okay."

"He has good days," Naruto insists, "but lately… I dunno. There are a lot of not so good days."

I eye him. He looks distressed suddenly. "And it worries you?"

"Well, yeah, he's my best friend," Naruto says with a sigh. "I just wish he'd talk to me more. He's better lately, though. He's talking more. I think talking helps, y'know?" He glances at me.

"I don't know about that," I argue. "If you talk, then people will assume things about you. If you talk, your secrets and your weaknesses can be used against you."

"That's pessimistic as hell," he tells me, smiling wearily.

"Then call me a pessimist," I retort with a careless shrug.

"Well, I don't really think he talks to anyone but me and I don't exactly plan on using his secrets and weaknesses against him anytime soon."

"Guess you're a better friend than most," I tell him. I only half mean it. I know even the best of friends become untrustworthy at some point.

"Do you do that thing, too?" Naruto asks suddenly, "The thing where you bottle everything up and don't talk to anyone about it?"

I shrug. I don't really feel like answering.

"Do you talk to Karin?" he continues. "Because when you first started missing class I got worried and asked her about you and she wouldn't tell me even though I'm literally related to her. She's really trustworthy."

"Yes, she knows some things," I say vaguely. "Things no one else knows."

Naruto nods his head. "That's good. Did talking to her help?"

"I don't know," I confess. "Perhaps it did." I pause and then add, "I didn't think she would betray my trust, but it's still reassuring to know she kept her mouth shut."

Naruto snorts and then says, "Yeah, she can be a big mouth… kinda like me, but I'm the same way. I'd never tell a secret I was told to keep."

"Good," I say. "I hate people who do things like that."

Naruto nods, agreeing with me. "They're pretty trashy."

Naruto seems nice. He seems sincere, but anyone can SEEM a certain way. There's no way to tell if it's genuine and that's what worries me when it comes to people – especially now.

"It's good you trust Karin though—" He sits on his bed and begins sorting through all of the papers he set aside earlier. "There was a minute there when I thought Kiba was never going to trust me. I mean, we've known each other forever but it's not like we ever talked about anything real and we didn't start getting close until this year. Then we had kind of a rough patch but it's all sorted out now."

"Oh, yeah," I say a little too knowingly.

Naruto glances up at me, looking a little confused. For a second I contemplate playing it off and just telling him I've been in that position before so I know what he means, but instead I decide to just bite the bullet and tell him. I've got nothing to lose really anyway.

"I overheard you guys talking a while back," I admit. It's a little embarrassing—I shouldn't have been listening.

"About what?" Naruto questions.

"About like," I pause, "Hooking up?"

"Aw, shit, I knew we were being too loud," Naruto says with a chortle. He covers his mouth, suppressing further laughter. "Damn, okay, you CAN'T tell Kiba that you know. Keep it to yourself."

"Of course," I state.

"He'd freak out hard," Naruto adds. "Honestly, like… I don't even know why we did it. We were both so fucked up it just kind of happened."

"You're not dating?" I wonder. "I thought you might've been. After the argument you two seemed to be getting along fine."

Naruto wrinkles his nose, looking thoughtful. "Well… I just kind of dropped it. Kiba didn't want to talk about it. But then the other day we hooked up again! So, I don't really know what's going on."

"Oh," I say simply.

Naruto shrugs again and then starts to smile at me. "You're a nosy little bastard," he teases.

I narrow my eyes a little. I'm really not in the mood to be poked fun at. I'm really supposed to be downstairs studying. This is just a distraction.

"So, what—" I say, diverting the subject back to him. "Are you, like, gay?"

I'm only asking because it'd be nice to know someone else on this campus who was. Like, know them personally I mean. There are tons of guys who are down for one night stands when they're fucked up at parties but as soon as the morning rolls around they disappear into the framework.

"Um, I don't know," Naruto answers. He seriously doesn't sound like he's given this very much thought. "Maybe, I guess? I just kinda…like whoever."

"Fuck whoever," I correct.

"So far." He shrugs. "I could see myself liking a guy though."

"Like Kiba?" I pry further.

Naruto snorts out a laugh, "Like anyone! Jeez, you're feeling really pushy today aren't you?"

"I'm gay," I decide to say. It's offhanded. I don't know what makes me say it, but the words come out easy for the first time in my life. Maybe it's because this is no longer my worst secret. Maybe it's because Naruto will get it. Maybe it's just because. Simple as that.

Naruto's lips part. I don't know if he's surprised that I'm gay or if he's just surprised that I told him. "Really?"

"Yes, really," I say.

"How'd you find out?" he asks.

It seems like a stupid question at first, but then I realize it's not. Some people don't find out until they are older because they just don't think about it.

"I always knew," I admit.

"Then why do you fuck girls?" he wonders.

I shrug. "I don't know. It's easier."

He's giving me a look like I just said something stupid. I probably did. "Do you only sleep with girls?"

He's beginning to enter dangerous territory. I don't want to think about the last man that touched me. So, I just shrug again. "Not really. I've been… with men."

"I seriously never would have known," Naruto confesses, and it makes me feel kind of relieved. Maybe it's not good that I'm keeping it a secret but I'm glad that I'm at least doing a decent job.

"Yeah well, I try to keep it on the down low," I reply, trying to sound nonchalant. "So, don't tell anyone."

"Who else knows?" he asks. I can tell he's trying to figure out if I've told Karin yet.

"Don't tell _anyone_ ," I reiterate. "No one."

"Okay, okay." He puts his hands up in defeat. "I won't. I promise." A pause. "Thanks for telling me by the way," he adds after a moment. He looks discreetly pleased with himself.

"It's whatever." I shrug. It's not whatever, but I'd rather he not run around with the wrong idea about us being best buds or something.

When Naruto finally finds all of his notes, he hands them to me. "Here," he says.

I take them and begin scanning "These aren't very good," I add.

He rolls his eyes at me. "I know," he snorts, "but it's better than nothing – which is what you've got. So, suck it up."

"Thanks," I add.

Naruto nods and says, "No problem, man."

With that, I take my leave.

That was weird. I just had a conversation with him. I told him a secret. I don't know what made me do that. I told him something that not even Karin knows.

 _I'm gay._

The words came out so easily.

It was the first time I said it. I never even spoke about it with Jugo. I just didn't deny it when he asked. I mean, I couldn't deny it when he had seen it firsthand.

Naruto better keep quiet about it. If not, then I will make him regret it, but I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. Karin always has good things to say about her cousin, so I'm going to take it to heart until he proves her wrong.

I head back downstairs to my room where Karin is waiting. When I get there, I hand her the notes as proof that I wasn't just screwing around.

"That took you awhile," she comments, flipping through the several pages of scrawl Naruto gave me, "Wow, these are shit."

"Yeah they're total crap," I agree, "But they're better than nothing."

Karin nods in agreement before handing them back to me. I guess I'm supposed to sit down and study these now? Ugh, I'm such a lost cause. I've barely attended this class for months and I doubt last-minute cramming from a few pages of utter garbage is going to make a difference in my grade.

I think Karin knows how fucked I am. She's trying to be supportive but she has to know—there's no way she couldn't.

.

.

When exam week arrives, I am even less than confident in my abilities to pass. I'm lucky I only have three exams. My other courses just had essay assignments. My first exam sucks. My second exam sucks. My third exam is probably also going to suck. It's Business. When I'm seated in the auditorium, I feel sick to my stomach. I can't wait for it to be over. When the proctors hand out the stapled booklets and announce the start of the three hour period, I flip it over. Some things I know, others I don't. So, I decide to make educated guesses. Most of it is educated guesses. If I'm lucky, I'll get enough to pass the course. Then I won't have to repeat. I can try and lie to my parents. I can try and tell them I did well. Maybe they won't ask to see the proof.

I finish within the first hour when most other people are still at it. Unlike me, they all probably know what they're doing.

On my way out, I spot Naruto scribbling away. I wonder if he'll do better than me. Probably. Next to him is Kiba. That moron will probably do better than me, too.

I shake it off and head back to my room.

When I get back the first thing I do is empty my binders of my schoolwork from this semester—although there isn't much of it. I put all of the papers in one file-folder that I put at the bottom of a cardboard box that I used during move-in but have had broken down in my closet since.

If my parents find out how poorly I did, the first they'll want to see is my notes. It'll be easy for them to figure out that I wasn't going to class, so I'll just tell them everything got lost in the moving process.

The dorms close quickly after finals ends, probably because the university doesn't want to keep paying to house students who aren't doing anything but celebrating the end of the year. I'll be moving back to my parents' house for the summer, which really isn't that far from the school, just too much for an everyday commute.

I'm not looking forward to it at all.

My brother is going to be picking me up this weekend and taking me home. Before he even asks me how I'm doing, he'll ask about school. That's how it goes with my family.

When I'm in the process of getting all of my shit together, Karin pops it.

"What?" I ask her flatly, not bothering to quit what I'm doing.

"Did you do all right on your exams?" she asks.

"Doubtful," I retort, not wanting to think about it too much.

She frowns, probably sensing that I'm distressed. "Sasuke, you're allowed to cry about it, you know. You have a lot to cry about, but you never cry. In all my years of knowing you, I've never seen you even close to crying."

I scoff, glancing her way. "Karin, I literally CAN'T. I don't have time for this."

"You would feel better," she says.

She sounds just like Naruto when she talks like that.

I guess they were raised by the same people, so it makes sense. I wonder how I would be different if my parents were like theirs. Being this stressed out about everything probably isn't genetic, but thinking about it as something outside of just my personality makes me feel as though I ought to be able to just turn it off.

"You're too hard on yourself," Karin continues, as if she knows exactly what I'm thinking.

"I don't see it that way," I mumble in response. "It's how I motivate myself."

"Okay, but…" she pauses, "Not everything can end up perfectly. You always beat yourself up when things aren't exactly how you want them."

I hate where this conversation is going. I don't need a lecture on how my coping skills are crummy—I already know that.

"Well, next time I'll just remember how bad it made me feel and won't make the same mistakes," I tell her, although it's obvious she knows it's a load of crap.

"Whatever you say," she mumbles, crossing her arms. "Want any help?"

"Sure," I say. "Just toss shit in boxes. I don't give a fuck if it's organized I just want it done."

She nods her head slowly, uncrossing her arms to lend me a hand.

.

.

When the weekend arrives, Itachi shows up and helps me unload crap. His friend Kisame is with him, so he helps us out as well. He's pretty huge, so he takes the bigger boxes to the car. When we are all situated, I say good riddance to my dorm room and then we head back home.

I'm dreading it. I haven't been home since I moved into the dorms and I really wish I didn't have to go back. My parents are going to ask me how I did in my courses. I'm going to have to come up with a very convincing lie if I want to keep them off my back when my marks are available.

If they find out how bad I did, I'm going to get killed. I wouldn't be surprised if my dad gave me a beating. I'd probably let him. I fucking deserve it.

I can't even imagine what's going to happen if I actually failed a class and have to repeat. There will be no hiding from something like that and I'd be surprised if I don't end up six feet under in the backyard.

On the ride home, Itachi doesn't bother to ask my about my courses. He probably knows I did poorly. The lack of information I've been willing to give him makes it pretty obvious. He knows that if I had done well I'd be glowing just like I was after first semester.

The whole situation sucks and I'm so fucking disappointed in myself. Even if by some miracle my parents don't demand to see my transcript, I'm going to sit with the feeling all summer that I just majorly fucked up my life.

When we arrive home, I have to force myself out of the car. For once, I'm glad to live in such a huge house. It'll be easier to avoid my parents this summer.

The three of us take all the boxes into the front entrance and up to my room. I debate on flinging myself down the stairs, but I don't do that. I debate on unpacking my things, but I don't feel motivated enough to do that. I just sit in my bed and Itachi and Kisame staire at me. "So," Itachi starts. "School?"

"I don't want to talk about it," I murmur.

He nods his head like I just confirmed what he was assuming.

"Mom and Dad are at work," he adds. "They'll be back in around an hour. So, be prepared for questions. I will let you tell them."

"Great," I mutter.

With that, they leave me alone.

I lie back on my bed and roll over against the wall. This is so fucking depressing. I feel legitimately physically uncomfortable at how much of a shit show this is about to be.

Whatever. If I'm going to commit to lying I might as well work on getting my story straight.

The first thing mom and dad will ask is why I never returned their calls. Usually I'd say the semester was demanding and I had no free time, but I don't really want to set them off in the direction of thinking I was struggling. It might work for me to tell them something along the lines of I was trying to mature and adjust to life without their support. If I act like I need space they might not hassle me over my grades so much.

I close my eyes for a few minutes. I'm glad to be back in my own room, but I'm not glad to be back in this house.

.

.

When I hear the front doors open, I drag myself up out of bed and downstairs. My head feels fuzzy as I try to figure out exactly what I'm going to say. Either way, I know I'm probably fucked.

I slip down the stairs in time to hear my parents ask Itachi if I'm home.

"Upstairs," I hear Itachi respond.

"Hey," I decide to greet, making my presence known as I descend the stairs.

"Sasuke," my mother says my name. "Why didn't you answer any of my calls?"

Yup, there it is.

"Sorry," I start with an apology, "I know I should have called back, I just got caught up with things. I thought it would make me better at problem solving to have to do things by myself mostly this semester."

She gives me a kind of lopsided look and it makes me anxious. I can't tell if she's concerned about the fact that I used the word 'problem' or just that I'm growing up.

"Well you still should have called. You know we're always here for you," she says tenderly. I guess it was the latter.

"I know, sorry," I repeat.

I can't help but worry that I'm coming off awkward or reserved. I don't want them to think something is wrong. I should be more excited to see them but I physically cannot muster any enthusiasm.

"How were exams?" my dad cuts in with the question I've been dreading.

Aaaand here we go. Of fuckin' course. Before they even ask about my well-being they have to ask me about school. I guess it doesn't matter because even if they did ask me how I was doing, I'd lie… but it would be nice to feel like they both care about me more than my grades.

"Good," I say easily. "We will get our marks back within the next week or two."

"Make sure you show us your transcript," Mom adds.

Fucking great.

"Of course," I respond calmly, even though I feel like fucking screaming.

I really don't know how I'm going to swing this. I should just start apologizing now, but I don't. Instead, I will probably let this drag on for as long as I can.

I don't like lying, but I literally cannot tell them. I can't get myself to say the words. They just sit in my throat like the leftovers of a bad cold.

I glance at Itachi and he's giving me a concerned look. I can tell he knows I'm screwing myself over majorly right now. If he were in my shoes he would just tell them—I know he would. He would own up to it and accept whatever punishment they saw fit. That being said, he would also never be in this fucked up situation. I guess that's why he's their favorite.

"Well, I have a lot of boxes to put away," I say just to break the silence, even though I have no intention of unpacking at all tonight, "I should probably get started."

"Okay," my mother nods, "I'll be starting on dinner soon so I'll call you when it's ready."

I nod back and with that I head back to my room. There's a sinking feeling in my chest going down into the pit of my stomach. All I can think about is how disgusted they're going to be when they figure it all out.

.

.

The days go on. My parents ask about my marks regularly. Today, all of my marks appear on my transcript online. I got a handful of D's and some C's. This is exactly what I expected, yet somehow I am still surprised. I think I'm surprised because if feels surreal. I still can't believe that I fell so far.

Soon enough, my parents will yet again ask me if I got my marks back. They will want to see. They will be angry with me. I'll feel worse than I already do.

Itachi's been watching all week waiting for me to crack. He's even dropped a few hints that I should get a move on, asking me if I've checked my university account yet that day and if I haven't that I probably should. He knows the longer I wait the worse it will be.

Part of me is curious as to how badly he thinks I did. If he thinks I failed he'll be pleasantly surprised but then I'll know he had low expectations of me. If he thinks I'm just being hard on myself for getting a singular B then he'd better prepare to be grossly disappointed.

I actually don't know if the repercussions would be any different if I had only gotten a B. I'd still be upset. My parents would be upset. Anything below an A is unacceptable.

I'm nervous.

When we're eating supper, my parents keep asking me what's wrong. I put it off. I insist it's nothing. I don't want to make dinner awkward.

I try to talk to them after, but I begin feeling sick again, so I go upstairs. Itachi gives me a dull look, silently telling me to go and get it over with.

Shit.

I sit on my bed, trying to mull things over… though there isn't much to mull over. There's no way I'm leaving this situation unscathed. My parents are going to destroy me.

After wasting enough time, I decide to finally just get it over with. I head back downstairs and into the kitchen. By now my mom does the dishes while my dad does some work on his laptop at the table.

"Mom… Dad…" I start shakily, announcing my presence as I hover in the entry-way.

"What is it, Sasuke?" my mom asks offhandedly, not bothering to turn around and face me. My dad doesn't bother glancing up at me, either. His eyes are glued to his laptop screen.

"I got my marks back," I say, and my mom turns away from the sink, grabbing a dishtowel to dry her hands on. I know that from the tone of my voice she can tell something is wrong.

"And…?" she urges me to continue.

"I didn't do as well as I thought I did," I admit slowly. I want to make it sound like I had no idea, although I'm sure as soon as they see the report they'll know I've been making shit up for months.

"Oh," she says quietly. My dad closes his laptop, looking up at me.

"Well let's see them," he doesn't miss a beat.

"They're online," I say.

He doesn't seem deterred. God, this is the fucking worst.

"I'll pull them up," I continue, probably sounding ashamed as hell because I fucking am.

I walk over to him and he opens his laptop again, signing in and then handing it to me to put in my information for the university website. I click through the pages to where they upload the transcripts. Part of me hopes it won't be there, even though I know it will.

I'm shaking badly. I'm trying hard not to, but it's overwhelming. My face feels hot and my cheeks are probably pink. They already sound mad and I haven't even showed them how bad it is yet.

I type my passwords in and pull up the page before backing away from the laptop. My parents crowd the screen, staring up and down.

"Tsk…" I hear my mom click her tongue. "D's… C's… This isn't good."

My dad glances at her. _"_ _This isn_ _'_ _t good_?!" he repeats in question, his voice roaring. "Of course it's not good, Mikoto!" He glances back at me and then adds, "What the hell is this, Sasuke?" He points to the computer screen, waiting for answers.

"My marks," I say weakly.

He slams his computer shut with enough force to make me wonder if it is going to work when he tries to open it up again. "Your marks?" he questions me, standing up.

I'm fucked. I'm so, so fucked.

"I'm sorry!" I say frantically, "It was way harder than I expected—I tried my best, I really did—"

My dad walks towards me and I back up, which clearly only makes him angrier because he reaches out and grabs me by the shoulder to keep me from getting any further away.

"Stop it," he says threateningly, his hands gripping me so hard that it hurts, "I don't want to hear your excuses."

I just nod. This is it. They know. I just have to let this happen now.

"This is unacceptable," he continues in a hushed voice that I hate even more than his yelling, "Why are your mother and I even paying for your schooling if this is going to be the outcome?"

"I didn't mean for this to happen!" I practically plead with him. I don't want him to get mad. I can't even think of the last time he was this pissed off with me.

"Well, it _did_ ," he says sharply.

"I've been stressed," I continue frantically. "My friends are high-maintenance and it was hard being away from home for that long!"

"Then why didn't you answer our calls?" he demands. "You could have visited, but you didn't. You didn't even try to –"

Before I can even think about the repercussions, I cut him off. "I think my professors hated me and I just –" The stupid excuses keep flying out of my mouth and I can't believe how desperate I sound. It hurts to hear. I feel like I've lost all dignity. I can't even force myself to shut up, so my dad decides to do it for me when he raises his palm and backhands me across the face.

My head swings to the side and it stings. I hear my mom gasp and she covers her mouth before hissing out my dad's name. "Fugaku!"

He points his finger at me and spits, "Shut your mouth. I wasn't finished talking. Don't cut me off again."

I stare back at him, not saying a word.

This is such garbage. If they actually cared to find out how I was doing we wouldn't be in this mess—they wouldn't be so mad. I can't fucking wrap my head around why they act like it would kill them to try and actually be understanding for once in their lives.

I don't want to be here right now. I CAN'T be here right now. I turn to leave but my dad still has a grip on my shoulder and easily pulls me back around.

When he has me back in front of him he brings his hand to the same spot on my face a second time. It's not as startling but it hurts more because he catches my cheekbone with his wedding ring.

"Fuck!" I hiss, bringing my hand to cover my jaw and cheek.

"Language," he warns me.

He continues reprimanding me and I want to fucking die. I want to sink into the floor and disappear. I'd rather be anywhere but here. My mom doesn't say anything else, but she looks uneasy. I think she's worried that this is going to cause familial conflict… Well, she's probably right.

When my dad is done his angry tirade, they finally allow me to leave after I promise to think about what I've done.

I turn down the hallway. My eyes glazed over and I totally zoned out in the middle of my dad's second scorn. God, what now?

I move into my room, closing my bedroom door and locking it. I don't bother to turn the lights on. I sit in the center of my bed in the dark and feel my eyes well up.

This is too much. First I got fucked at that party and now this. I wish I never got drunk. Then I'd still be doing well. My parents would be pleased. Everything would be okay.

I try to stifle myself but I feel like I'm going to choke or be sick. I put my palms over my eyes and hunch over before starting to sob.

I fucking hate myself. I can't believe I let this happen. There's a million steps I should have taken to prevent it from getting this bad and I didn't even try to take any of them.

My dad deserves to be mad—I'm fucking worthless. All I did was waste his money this semester. I should have taken time off if I was just going to fuck around and skip class.

I'm capable of doing so much better than my grades this semester showed—that's what's so frustrating about this. It'd be one thing if I tried my best and just couldn't make an A because the course was hard, but just not being able to get out of bed is the world's lamest fucking excuse.

I lie on my side, wrapping an arm around myself.

At least I'm finally crying. Karin would be pleased, but maybe this isn't quite what she had in mind.

I sniffle and swipe at my eyes only to make room for new tears.

At some point I hear a knock at my door, but I ignore it. I try to be quiet. Then maybe they'll think I'm sleeping. The last thing I want to do is talk to anyone – especially considering the state I'm in.

"Sasuke…?"

It's my mom.

I close my eyes, waiting for her to go away. I don't want to talk to her. I don't want to see her. I don't want to see anyone. I just want to be left alone. I need to deal with this. I need to fix myself this summer. I can't keep disappointing my parents. I can't keep disappointing myself.

I hear the doorknob rattle, but it stops as quickly as it started. I think my mom realizes that if my door is locked then I must really want to be alone.

"Sweetie, if you want to talk I'll be downstairs," she tells me from out in the hall before I hear her footsteps carrying her away from my bedroom.

I don't know what I would even have to talk to her about. It's not like I could tell her the truth about why everything got so fucked up. I would literally rather die than talk to either of my parents about that. I still can barely believe I told Karin. I never would have if she hadn't backed me into a corner over it.

No one else needs to know. I just need to get over it. The only thing is… I don't know how to get over it. I could try to look something up online, but I feel like that would be bad. The internet is a gross place and no one cares about rape victims. It's doubly worse for me considering that I was drunk. If a case like this were taken to court, everyone knows that that would be thrown in my face. I guess that's why most rapes aren't reported. Court rooms basically just try to figure out some way to say that you deserved it. I already feel like I had it coming. It can't get much worse than this now.

Funny, I keep saying that yet somehow I find a way to top it.

.

.

Somehow, I end up falling asleep. When I wake up I feel disgusting. I go into my bathroom, which is luckily inside of my bedroom, and brush my teeth. There's a slight bruise on my face. I wonder if my dad will feel bad about it. Probably not if he actually had it in him to hit me twice.

I debate on showering, but I don't feel like it. I can go one more day without it. I debate on changing, but I don't do that either. I'm still wearing the clothes I've slept in for the past few nights.

I can't be here today. I need to go.

I wash my face and then head out of the bathroom and out of my bedroom. I think everyone is at work by now, thank god. I'll need to make a quick escape before they all get home tonight. I'm not ready to see my dad. I know he's going to look at me like I'm shit and that will somehow make me feel even lower than I already feel, if that's even possible.

I grab my wallet and house keys, making sure to lock the front door behind me as I leave. I don't know where I'm going, just away from here.

My parents took one car this morning and Itachi took the other, but I don't mind a walk because the weather is nice and I need to clear my head anyway. It's quite a ways before there's anything worthwhile but I think it'll be good for me.

I head down the block and around the corner. It's bright outside and I kind of wish I had remembered a pair of sunglasses but there isn't much point in going back to find some. Even though this semester was a train wreck I'm glad to be done and not have it looming over my head anymore.

I have to spend the next few months seriously getting my shit together. If I keep on like this the school will probably kick me out.

That would be so humiliating I would probably die. People would probably find out about it. There wouldn't be anything I could do. I'd honestly die. It would be too much. I don't want to think about it, so I just keep walking.

I live in an area where the houses are spaced far apart and the yards are large, so it takes me a while to reach the town. I walk past shops, restaurants, parks. I begin feeling self-conscious because I know I look like shit. I try to keep my head down and not pay attention.

I pull out my phone to check the time and see that I have a couple missed calls from Itachi, but he left no messages. He probably just wants to know where I am. Well, I'm not in a particularly chatty mood.

As it nears four o'clock, I start looking for a place to find some food. I haven't eaten yet today and I'm getting pretty hungry.

The nearest restaurant is a pub and even though it doesn't seem particularly appealing I don't feel like spending my time looking for somewhere else. Since it's early, I'm seated at the bar almost immediately and only need a few moments to look at the menu before deciding on the only half-decent looking item which is a chicken sandwich.

"Anything to drink?" the bartender asks, eyeing me up and down. It feels like he's sizing me up. I wonder if he thinks I look too much like a scrub to be in here.

"Um," I mumble, flipping to where the drink list is. I don't really want anything, but it feels weird not to order something.

"I'll just have whatever lager you have on tap I guess," I say awkwardly, finally setting the menu down.

The bartender nods. "Can I get your ID?"

I pull my wallet out of my jacket pocket and fish around for a second to find my driver's license. I hand it to him and he glances at it briefly before giving it back to me. Then he turns around, filling a glass and sliding it back to me.

I stare down into it before taking the first sip. Not great, but not awful. I can't help but think about the last time I drank.

What the fuck am I doing here? It seems like such a stupid idea. God, I don't even care anymore.

I let out a sigh, feeling even lower. Nonetheless, I continue to drink. Fast. Halfway through, my sandwich is placed in front of me.

I eat slowly. I feel like I'm being watched even though no one else is here. Just me, the bartender and whoever made my food.

I must look like such a fucking loser sitting here.

"You okay, buddy?" the bartender asks, glancing at me as he washes some glasses.

"Fine," I respond a little too quickly.

He doesn't press. I guess it's not his job to. I don't know how he could actually want to have a lengthy conversation with me about how much everything sucks right now. Asking is just common courtesy.

"Could I have another beer?" I ask him, setting down the remaining half of a chicken sandwich that's in my hand.

"No problem." He reaches out, taking my glass and depositing it in a dish rack near the door to the kitchen. Then he grabs another glass and fills it, handing it to me and then going back to unloading a set of clean dishes that were just brought out onto the shelves behind the bar.

I try to drink this one more slowly, sipping on it as I watch him wipe down the counter and close out the tab for the waiter of a few older men who sit in the opposite side of the restaurant eating a late lunch.

I try to mind my own business and keep staring ahead. I probably look nervous. I feel it, too, and for absolutely no reason at all. I play around with my phone a bit, checking emails, messages and other notifications. I down my second beer. I order a third.

I wonder if my parents know I'm gone or if Itachi is the only one who is home. Itachi is the golden child. He is everything my parents wanted in a son. They wanted me to be like him, too, and maybe for a while I was headed in the right direction, but now I'm not.

Itachi does everything my parents want him to do. They don't even have to ask. They've always had to ask me. Maybe that's why I'm not the favourite. They feel like they shouldn't have to ask us to do the things they think we should do.

Someday soon he'll probably move out. He'll probably end up marrying someone nice that my parents approve of, regardless of whether or not he actually wants to do that. Sometimes he's like a robot they programmed to be perfect. I don't get it.

By the time I finish my third drink the pub starts to fill up a little more. I've been here over two hours and it's starting to get into dinner time.

A few people come and sit at the bar, have a drink, and then leave. I try to mind my own business. I want to be left alone.

Eventually, I order a fourth beer. I don't really intend to drink it—I just don't want them to try to kick me out for loitering now that it's getting busy.

I fiddle with the napkin that my glass is on, folding and unfolding the corners. This is pathetic and I'm starting to feel a little woozy. I should probably stop. I should probably just go home.

I take my wallet out and leave a few bills on the counter, not worrying about the change. When I'm about to leave, a familiar face enters. It's Naruto. Of fucking course it's him. He starts grinning when he spots me standing a few feet away.

"Hey!" he exclaims, waving both hands at me as he approaches.

I hold up a hand. "Hi."

"Been a while," he adds. "How are yah?"

"Fine, but I should probably go…" I say.

"Nah, come sit with me," Naruto offers. "I was gonna grab a bite."

"I just ate," I say. "I was going to go home."

"The night is still young," he counters. "Have a drink with me."

Since I'm not really in the mood to go home yet, I accept him and we sit back down at the bar. It makes me feel kind of stupid, like I've been here for way too long, but I try not to think about it.

Naruto orders a large burger and eats messily, talking with his mouth full the entire time. It doesn't bother me that much, though. He's not really talking about anything important – just little things. He says he's looking for an apartment and he has his eye on a few spots that he's trying to narrow down.

"That's exciting," I tell him.

When he's done eating, he orders a drink and then he orders me one.

The bartender eyes me warily when he brings back the order. He's probably wondering if he should stop serving me. When he sets the glasses down I say thanks and try to act sober. I can handle way more than a of couple beers.

"How've you been?" Naruto asks nonchalantly, "I'm surprised to run into you so soon after term ended."

"Yeah," I agree, "I don't really live close to here."

"I remember Karin telling me once that you had to commute kind of a long way when we were in high school."

I nod, "My house is a ways. That's why I live on campus."

"It's honestly so much better that way," Naruto jokes. "I love my aunt and uncle and all but I can't imagine living with them still."

I force a smile. "Fair. It's hard being back with my family. I miss being alone."

"You're quite the recluse these days, huh?" he asks me.

"I suppose so."

"Why?" he pries.

I wrinkle my nose. "Dunno… reasons."

He nods his head slowly, not asking any more questions about it. He continues to sip on his drink and I continue to sip on mine. My head feels a little clouded, but I'm not sloshed. I kind of wish I was, though. Then maybe this would be easier. I feel pressured sitting here with him. I don't even know why. I think I just don't want to say the wrong things. I'm always overthinking everything lately.

Naruto glances at me and then glances down into his drink. "So… who hit you?"

I stare back at him. I don't really feel like answering that question but I also don't have the energy to make up an excuse. "I don't want to talk about that," I say directly and Naruto nods, continuing to stare at his drink. "Do you have any plans for the summer?" I ask, deliberately changing the subject.

"Um, not really," Naruto replies, taking the hint. "Just moving into an apartment like I said before and maybe finding a roommate."

"Anyone in mind?"

Naruto shrugs, "I want Kiba to move in with me but his whole situation's pretty unpredictable."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" I finish off my drink and set it on the bar counter. "Aren't you two like, sleeping together?"

"Not like, in a serious way." Naruto clarifies, then points to my empty glass. "Do you want another?"

I nod and he flags down the bartender, telling him that we want two more.

"How it is not serious, then?" I pry. "Especially considering that you're best friends."

"We're not into each other like that," he insists simply.

"You're sure that he feels similarly?" I can't help but wonder.

Naruto pauses for a moment, looking like he's giving the question some thought. Then he nods. "Yeah, I think so."

"S'good, then," I say.

I decide not to press the issue. He'll have to sort through it on his own. Either way, sleeping with your friends is a stupid idea.

Our drinks are placed in front of us. I stare into my mine before taking a sip. I wonder if Naruto knows I already had a few drinks. Probably not. I forget how many I've had so far, but I'm starting to feel it.

I can't believe I'm actively allowing myself to get drunk right now. I haven't even touched alcohol since that night in January and now I'm sitting in a bar with one of my best friend's cousins that up until recently I considered to be the biggest pain in the ass I'd ever met. I guess I'm glad that I'm with Naruto as opposed to by myself. I trust him, even though I don't have a lot of reason to. He's at least a halfway decent person and I know he has incentive to not just leave me here—Karin would kill him.

"Did you do well on your finals?" I ask, trying to make more small talk. I don't know why I bring it up. If he did it'll just be salt in the wound.

"I did fine," he tells me, leaving it at that. I don't really know what 'fine' is for someone like Naruto. Is that an A? Is that just not failing?

"Yeah?" I ask.

"Yeah," he says. "Did you do all right?"

"No," I murmur., frowning.

Naruto snorts. "What did you get? Too many B's?"

I scoff at that. "I wish…"

Naruto tilts his head to the side. "So… you didn't do too well?"

"No," I say. "I did worse than I've ever done on anything. I just… I froze."

"You were never in class," Naruto points out.

"I know that," I say somewhat sharply. "I'm not saying I didn't bring it on myself."

"That's not what I meant," he argues. "I just mean..." he trails off because that's exactly what he meant and we both know it.

"Whatever," I dismiss. "It's over. It is what it is and nothing I can do will change it now. It'll always be a black mark on my record."

"Well, you know what they say: a doctor who got all C's in school is still a doctor," Naruto chimes in.

It doesn't really help.

"Well, I'm no doctor," I say. "I'm going to be a lawyer."

Naruto nods. "Yeah… Isn't everyone in your family lawyers?"

"Basically," I confirm.

"Do you actually want to do something like that?" he continues. "Sorry but I can't really see you in that sort of position."

"Well after this semester it might just be a pipe dream," I reply dully. "But yeah, I mean, it's all I really ever thought about being."

Naruto goes silent. I think he was trying to catch me in some sort of 'you don't have to do something just because everyone else in your family does' argument, but it's just frankly not true. I DO have to be a lawyer. I don't have an option. Not only that, but I've been thinking about it for so long I do actually want it at this point. I don't know what else I would even be interested in.

Whether or not it was forced onto me at some point, it isn't the case now and if this isn't what I can do, then what the hell can I do? There's nothing else I want to be. This is all I really have. This was my goal. This is what I was going to do with my life… and now what? One stupid, drunk mistake flushed it all away.

"Then why can't you make it happen?" Naruto asks. "Why don't you go to class? I'm sorry, but I just don't get what changed so suddenly and so drastically."

"A lot," I murmur. "Well, maybe not so much. Just me. It's complicated."

But it's not. It's simple. It's so fucking simple. Something bad happened to me and I broke over it.

Naruto gives me a funny look. I can tell he wants to pry, but I'm so not drunk enough for that.

We both sit quietly for a moment while I work on finishing my drink. Naruto swishes his around in the glass, seeming like he's lost interest in it.

"So, how's Karin?" I ask in an attempt divert the conversation from myself.

"Oh, she's good," Naruto answers flatly, "At least I think she is. She moved back home already and we haven't had much time to hang out apart from talking about exams and my apartment search."

"Where are you looking again?" I set down my now empty glass.

"Near the school mostly. I don't have a car and am not really interested in trying to buy one, so I have to be able to walk."

I nod. I guess that makes sense.

"If Kiba can't be your roommate, do you have a backup plan?" When the bartender comes near I hold up my drink and he brings me yet another refill. I guess I still seem sober enough to serve.

"Oh," Naruto looks contemplative, "I think I'll probably just live by myself if that happens."

"How can you afford it?" I wonder.

"Since I'm an at-risk student I got a little help," he says.

I get what he means by that – probably some sort of scholarship for kids in his position.

"Oh," I respond with a long nod.

When the bartender sets my drink in front of me, I can't help but wonder what he's thinking about me. Does he think I'm your average trashy college kid? Does he think I can handle my liquor?

"So, things are really okay with you and Kiba…?"

Naruto nods his head. "Yeah, as far as I can tell. I mean, he's pretty closed off when it comes to talking about his emotions and shit but he told me some stuff."

"That's good," I say, stifling a smile.

"What is it?" Naruto asks, eying me.

"I just can't believe you and him had sex," I confess.

Naruto snorts back a laugh and shrugs. "Me, neither, to be honest… but c'mon, I bet you had sex with people you never thought you'd have sex with."

"Well, I guess… Sex is, like, an icebreaker for me," I admit.

"Aw," Naruto says with a sympathetic laugh. "Man, that's kinda sad…"

I shrug. "Yeah, I guess."

"So you just like—" Naruto wonders, "You meet someone you want to get to know better and you hook up with them right away?"

"Sort of," I admit, "Except usually I don't really end up wanting to know them afterwards."

Naruto looks sadly down at his drink. I feel kind of bad that I'm depressing him, but fuck, he's the one who asked.

"I just like—" I continue, "That's why I'm so surprised you and Kiba are still friends. A—I definitely thought you guys were straight, and B—I don't understand how you're managing this sort of limbo thing you have going on."

"Oh, yeah, well," Naruto mumbles awkwardly, "I don't really know if like…"

"I know," I wave at him dismissively, "You don't know if you're really gay. You know what I meant."

"So, how'd you know you were gay?" he asks, glancing at me.

"I told you I just did," I say simply. "I always knew. I was never interested in girls. I always stared at guys."

Naruto nods his head. "I wish it was that easy for me."

I shrug. "Some people… they don't figure it out for a long time… and that's okay. You will eventually. Try not to stress about it or anything. Labels aren't that important anyway."

Who am I kidding? I love labels. If I don't use them then I have no idea what the fuck is going on most of the time. I like labelling myself because it's how I know who I am.

"I suppose," Naruto agrees. "I want to do more, but Kiba is kinda… I dunno. It's like he needs to be in a certain mood when we mess around and it always happens out of the blue. At this point, I don't really know if it was just a two-time thing of if it will happen again sometime."

"But you want it to happen again… with him?" I probe.

"With anyone," Naruto says, then he starts snickering. "That makes me sound horny as hell, but whatever. I mean, I have standards. I don't sleep with EVERYONE. I've been lucky so far. The other guy I've been with is good looking. I mean, Kiba isn't really my type, but he's good looking too."

"What's your type?" I wonder.

"Dunno," he admits. "I guess the guys I like are like the girls I thought I liked, if that makes sense?"

"You like girly guys…?"

He snorts. "No, I just… I dunno, man, it's complicated!"

I smile wryly, deciding to drop it since he's getting flustered. "All right."

After my next drink, I'm finally starting to feel kind of drunk. My head feels fuzzy and I think in any other situation I would be uncomfortable, but I trust that Naruto will look out for me. If he's anything like Karin, he probably won't leave me the fuck alone now. I don't have to worry about any creepy men in the bar trying to convince me to go home with them.

"Anyway—" Naruto chuckles to himself, "I guess I just have a feeling this summer is going to get sort of complicated."

"Probably," I admit, giving him a sympathetic look.

"I guess I did it to myself." He laughs, but he doesn't seem too distressed over it.

"Yeah," I agree, not sugar-coating his situation for him.

Naruto wrinkles his nose and then says, "Kiba really needs to get away from his parents. They're nuts."

"How so?" I wonder.

He leans in a bit. "He had, like, this bruise on his face. Kinda like the one you have. He wouldn't tell me where he got it, though. He insists it wasn't his dad, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was…"

"My dad hit me," I decide to share. I guess I'm drunk enough to admit it. My speech is also a little bit slower. Naruto probably notices it but perhaps he has enough tact not to point it out.

Naruto's jaw drops. "What…?!"

I point to my bruised cheek, poking it. "My dad, he did this last night."

"What the hell?" he asks. "Why would he hit you?"

"I was arguing," I explain. "I was talking back to him, I kept interrupted, I was yelling… They were upset about my grades and I kept coming up with excuses they didn't wanna hear."

"That's still—" he stammers, "I mean, that's not—"

"It's whatever," I say, cutting him off, "It happened. I'm fine."

I'm not really interested in listening to the spiel that's obviously coming about how parents should never hit their kids and how fucked up it is that my dad would do that. I know that. It's not like I don't fucking know. I'm 19 fucking years old—it's not like my dad overpowers me by that much. I could have stopped him if I didn't feel like what happened was fair. It just makes me feel worse that I fucked up enough to feel like I deserved it.

Naruto pauses. He looks deep in thought.

"I'm so sorry," he finally says, "Are you okay?"

"I'm really fine," I reassure him. "You were talking about Kiba's parents?"

He nods slowly. "They're so overprotective. They try to control everything he does. They also seem to hate me. I came to check on him once and his mom DID NOT want to let me into the house. She was so on edge, she barely left me alone to talk to him in the doorway."

I wrinkle my nose. "Yeah, I can kind of relate to parts of that. My parents never actively control me, but I feel like they wordlessly pressure me to be a certain way."

Naruto frowns. "I guess I don't get it. Maybe it's 'cause I have no parents, so I can't really relate…"

I just shrug. "It can be overwhelming."

"Kiba's family is super closed off," Naruto murmurs. "It makes me want to be even nosier. I just want to know why they're like that. Kiba literally never talks about the details, but I know it bugs him. I know something messed up is going on."

"He'll tell you when he wants to," I say.

Naruto tilts his head to the side in considering. "I'm not so sure. Kiba is SO secretive. I think even if he wanted to tell me, he wouldn't."

"Ah…" I murmur, not sure what else to say to that.

I don't really know how to coach Naruto on a situation like that. I'm pretty closed off too so I guess I can relate to not wanting someone poking around in my business, but that has very little to do with my family a lot more to do with my own personality. Still, we're all adults and I would assume that Kiba can handle whatever's going on without Naruto butting in—but then again, maybe not.

"What are your parents like?" Naruto asks, spring-boarding off of our previous conversation.

"Typical," I tell him, and I mean it, "My mom is nice. My dad is strict. My older brother is the perfect and preferred child."

"Aw," Naruto coos, "I'm sure he's not the preferred child."

"He literally is," I say matter-of-factly. I wish I could at least be bitter about it but I can't, Itachi is so far out of my league I can't even compare myself to him. "He's perfect. He's everything a parent could dream of. In our house, flaws aren't seen as something to be tolerated and me? I have many flaws."

"I dunno," Naruto admits. "You seem pretty perfect from where I'm standing. I mean, apart from the little slipup with your school work this year."

I give him a look of distaste. "Yeah, well, I've never been perfect. Itachi is, though, so I kind of get left in the dirt. I use to try and compete with him, but I don't feel like there's a point in trying anymore."

"Is he nice to you, at least?" Naruto asks.

"Yeah, he is," I say. "He's… really nice to me. I think he pities me sometimes, though. It's easy for him to be what my parents want, but it's hard for me."

"What did he say when your dad hit you?" he pries.

"Nothing," I admit. "He wasn't there for it and I didn't see him at all since it happened. I immediately locked myself in my room and cried about it until I fell asleep and today I left before they all got home from work. So, I haven't seen anyone since it happened."

"Aw…" Naruto sympathizes.

He looks so fucking sad for me. I kind of hate it.

I shouldn't even be telling him any of this, but it's all kind of flowing out. It's probably because he got some alcohol in me and it's been so long since I've talked to anyone about this shit.

"So is that like—how you deal with your stress?" Naruto pries. "Is that why you missed so much class this semester?"

"No," I snap. It feels like he thinks I'm a crybaby who just hides from his problems and the implication fucking annoys me. "Usually I just fucking push it down and get over it."

As soon as I say it, I realize the second claim doesn't sound much better than the first. I still seems like I have no fucking idea how to cope.

"There's no shame in it, man," he says. "I mean, I don't know what happened, but if it's bad then it's no wonder you missed some class. You should maybe talk to the school about it so they can accommodate your situation."

I let out a callous laugh. "If I can't even tell YOU, what makes you think I could tell the school?"

He shrugs. "Fair…"

"Karin knows," I murmur, "but I never told anyone else. The only reason I told her is because I felt like she backed me into a corner."

"She's good at that," Naruto says with a weary smile.

"I never know what to do," I whisper somewhat hopelessly.

Naruto puts a hand on my shoulder. "Well… if you ever want to talk about it, I'll listen."

"I don't," I insist.

"Okay, okay," he says, "but if you do…"

"Uh-huh," I mumble.

I can't imagine myself ever telling Naruto about that. Talking to Karin about it was hard but for some reason telling Naruto seems about a million times worse. I would seriously rather die.

It's horrible, but I feel like he would laugh at me. I don't know how I would deal with it if he told me to my face that I deserved it or that that kind of thing doesn't happen to men. There's nothing about Naruto to necessarily make me think that he would react that way apart from the stereotypes I have in my own head about jocky boys, but still I can't seem to break away from them. There's too many red flags.

That's why I'm scared to try and look up self-help stuff on the internet. I don't want to be told boys can't get raped. I don't want to be told that I probably got hard, which means I enjoyed it. I don't want to be told boys always want sex. I don't want to be told I had it coming for being drunk or a whore.

I guess I'm getting lost in my own head because Naruto snaps his fingers in front of my face and says, "Hey, you're zoning out. You sure you're okay?"

"Totally fine," I insist, forcing a smile.

"Well, yah don't sound it," he argues, but he doesn't press it.

I get another drink and it's around now that I start to get hazy. I can still function somewhat, but I feel like I'm overdoing it. I still can't stop, though. It's like I want to be trashed. I just want to forget things – things I once wanted so damn hard to remember.

I think the bartender senses this because when I try to order another he cuts me off, which is totally humiliating. Naruto looks confused, though.

"He's been in here since this afternoon," the bartender explains to Naruto as if I'm not even there, "He ordered four drinks before you even came in and doesn't need anymore."

At first I think Naruto's going to be annoyed, but instead he turns toward me and laughs.

"No wonder you're so talkative!" he jokes, putting a hand on my shoulder. "Okay, well I'll take you home then. I guess it wouldn't be right to make you walk."

His tone is condescending as hell but I don't really care because I'm so fucking glad that he's offering to give me a ride home. I never would have asked but I would have hated walking the whole way alone.

Naruto pays the bill and then helps me stand. I start wavering and as soon as I'm on my feet I realize how sloshed I am. Lovely.

Naruto keeps me supported and I let myself lean against him. He helps me into his car and then gets in the driver's seat. I try to buckle up, but I can't find the buckle. Naruto snorts and then does it for me. "Man, you are pretty drunk."

"No shit," I retort, crossing my arms and sinking into my seat.

The drive isn't too long. For that, I'm glad. I give Naruto directions and soon enough we're in front of my house.

"Nice place," Naruto comments.

I unbuckle the seatbelt and open the door, pretty much falling out of the car. I hear Naruto laughing at me. I tell him to shut the fuck up as I pick myself up off the pavement.

I stumble up my driveway and to the front door. Naruto waits until I open it and wave goodbye to even start his car again and drive off. It was nice of him to make sure I got in safely.

As I enter I can hear my parents talking in another part of the house, but as I close the door behind me they go silent.

Great.

"Sasuke? Is that you?" my mother calls.

"Yeah," I reply, trying my best to not sound wasted out of my mind.

I wander into the living room and spot them sitting on the sofa. I can't know for sure because I literally can't see straight but I think my dad looks pretty ticked off.

"You smell like a damn brewery!" he growls.

Shit. I really don't want to get smacked again. Drinking makes me emotionally volatile, so I'd definitely make the situation a hundred times worse.

I hold the wall of the doorway so I don't fall backwards. I squint, trying to keep my vision from wavering but it's hard.

"Are you drunk?" he demands.

"Yaaah," I admit in a long slur. "I'm, like, pretty fuckin' drunk."

My mom's jaw drops. She looks so scandalized, like the possibility of me being intoxicated is too much for her to possibly handle. Or maybe it's the foul language. I tend not to curse in front of my parents.

My dad is seething. "What the hell is wrong with you lately? Itachi never acted like this when he was your age!"

"Well, in case you forgot, I'm a completely different person than he is!" I shout accusingly.

"Of course you are—" my father replies, his arms crossed against his chest, "But that has no bearing on whether or not we hold you to the same standard."

"It should!" I insist. "I can't do the same things as him—I'm _not_ him!"

My dad brings his hand to his face, pinching the bridge of his nose and sighing. He looks like he's seriously about to have an aneurysm. He's not used to me talking back. Frankly, I'm not used to talking back either.

I feel like he's going to beat the shit out of me. I'd let him. Why the fuck not. It's not like I have anything to lose at this point anyway.

But my dad doesn't do that. He doesn't move. Instead, he simply says, "Get out. You're not welcome here."

The words sting.

"Where the hell do you want me to go?" I ask in disbelief.

"I guess you should have thought about that before mouthing off and coming home drunk," he says without remorse.

I feel like I'm going to choke. "Mom –" I try, but my dad holds up a hand.

"Out," he repeats himself.

My mom looks beyond upset, but she isn't about to argue with my dad – especially not when he's like this. He's scary when he's mad.

My chest tightens and begins to ache. What do I do now?

After a minute of me standing here, my dad decides to speed things along. He stands up and grabs a fistful of the back of my shirt, opening the front door and forcing me outside.

"Dad –" I try again, feeling somewhat desperate.

"Think about your behaviour lately," he says, releasing me and blocking the doorway. "When you're ready to act like a person instead of an animal, you can come home."

With that, he shuts the front door, slamming it as loud as he can. The frame rattles.

I sit on the front porch and get my phone out, dialling Naruto's number. Somewhat pathetically, I ask him to come and get me.

" _Why?_ _"_ he asks. " _I just dropped you off. Did something happen?_ _"_

"My dad kicked me out," I mumble somewhat shamefully.

" _Ah, shit_ …" he says. _"_ _Are you okay?_ _"_

"Fine…"

" _All right. Be there in a few._ _"_

He hangs up after that and I know he'll probably start prying when we're face to face. Goodie.

While I wait I rest my head between my knees, trying to calm down. Inevitably tears start flowing, but I wipe them hastily on the leg of my pants. I can't be crying when Naruto gets here. I'll look like a total idiot.

I can hardly believe my own parents would do this to me. It's not like I even did anything that bad. It's legal for me to drink and I wasn't even rude. I just want them to stop comparing me to Itachi. I feel like that's fair considering we're completely different people with completely different abilities.

Eventually, Naruto pulls up in front of my house and I stand, swiping at my eyes and attempting to straighten my clothes before walking down the driveway and climbing into the passenger's seat.

It's dim in the car but I think he realizes that I'm upset. Nonetheless, he tactfully decides not to mention it. For now.

"So... what happened?" he asks.

I want to tell him to drop it, but I probably owe him an explanation. He came and picked me up, after all. I'd be a dick to leave him in the woods over it.

"They were mad I got drunk," I mumble simply, though the situation feels far less simple.

"Why?" he asks, not getting what is so bad about it.

"Because it isn't proper."

Naruto scoffs. "You're nineteen – of course you're not proper."

"Well, they want me to be," I point out.

"Stupid," he adds his two cents.

I grit my teeth. No fucking shit it's stupid.

I stare out the window and watch the scenery pass. It all looks like a blur of shit to me.

"My aunt and uncle are away," Naruto says. "It's just me and Karin home."

"Great," I murmur sarcastically. Of course Karin is there. Now I'm going to have to explain this whole mess to her too.

"We don't have a guest room or anything," Naruto continues, "But you can sleep in my room. Hell, you could probably sleep in Karin's room. I don't care. The couch is always an option too if you don't like either of those."

I shrug. Really I just want to be home sleeping in my own bed, but that's not going to happen since my dad is such a dick.

It's so fucking unfair. They should know me well enough by this point to know that I would never just fail because I was being lazy. They should know something is wrong. It should be obvious.

It doesn't take us too long to get to his place. For that, I'm kind of glad. I'm so ready to lie down, though I doubt I'll be getting a good sleep tonight.

Naruto parks and we head into a modest-sized townhouse. When we're inside, it feels homey. My house never felt this way. It makes me feel a bit bitter, like I missed out on something important growing up.

"C'mon," Naruto says, nodding for me. "Want the grand tour?"

"Maybe tomorrow," I say.

He smiles. "Deal." We head to his room and he adds, "Want pyjamas? We're probably around the same size."

I want to say no, but I also don't want to be wearing the same clothes I've been wearing for the past few days.

"Can I use your shower first…?" I ask somewhat meekly. I feel dirty. Maybe it's because I physically am. I feel like I should shower if I'm going to stay here for the night.

"Yeah, it's down the hall – last door on the left," Naruto instructs. "There are clean towels in the closet next to the bathroom," he continues as I turn to walk away, "I'll leave some clothes by the door for you."

I glance over my shoulder, giving him a nod of acknowledgment.

When I get to the bathroom I shut and lock the door quickly. Maybe it's excessive—Naruto probably wouldn't come barging in on me—but I really want to be left alone right now.

I turn the shower on and wait for the water heat up, stripping off my clothing and leaving it in a messy heap on the tile floor. I step in and pull the curtain shut, letting water run over my face and through my greasy hair.

It's so nice to not be using the communal dorm bathrooms anymore.

I hate the dorm bathrooms. I always felt like my privacy was somehow being invaded, even though no one was in there with me. It was just the idea of communal showers that I found off-putting.

I take my time in the shower, though I try to be quick. I just can't bring myself to be. I want to stay under the heat of the water.

When I finally bring myself to turn the taps off, I grab a towel and dry off before peeking outside and grabbing the clothes folded on the floor. I take them before shutting the door once more. Holding them up, I stare at the bright colors. I will probably look fucking ridiculous, but I honestly don't care anymore. It's not like I even have any dignity at this point, so why bother pretending?

I throw the clothes on, grabbing my shit off the floor and exiting the room.

As I leave, I realize I don't really know where Naruto's bedroom is. Luckily, the house isn't very big so if I wander around I'm sure to come across it.

I walk down the hallway and take a left. I'm pretty sure this is where Naruto disappeared to after pointing me in the direction of the bathroom.

There's a room with it's door slightly ajar, so as I walk past I peek briefly inside. I see Karin sitting up against her bed's headboard reading a book, and as I look in on her she glances up.

"Hey," she says sympathetically. She doesn't sound surprised to see me. I guess Naruto must have filled her in.

"Hi," I reply uncomfortably, pushing her door open a little wider, "Can I come in?"

"Of course," she says, setting her book down. "Want to stay in here tonight?"

"You don't mind?" I ask.

"Not at all," she promises. "You can toss your things wherever."

I set them down on her desk chair and inch inside. She gestures to her bed and I take a seat.

"So, what the hell happened?" she asks softly.

"I just –" My voice cracks and I cut myself off, clearing my throat and trying to sound calmer. "My dad kicked me out. I was giving him attitude, apparently. I didn't feel like I was, though. God, he was angry. I've never seen him so angry."

"He hit you…?" she ventures, eying my bruised face.

"Yeah," I murmur.

"Is that from tonight?" she pries.

"No, last night," I correct her, "For my shitty marks."

"Oh." She darkens, bringing her legs up onto the bed and tucking them underneath herself. "I was wondering how it was going to go when you got them back."

"Yeah," I mutter. "It went poorly."

We sit in silence for a moment. Karin looks as if she's trying to figure out what to say but is coming up empty.

"That sucks," she finally tells me. "I'm really sorry."

"It's fine," I reply, trying to sound nonchalant, "It's my own fault and I guess I was expecting it to some extent."

"It's not your fault," she reaches out and puts a hand on my shoulder. "What happened this semester wasn't your fault at all."

I want to focus on feeling bad about my grades right now, but I know she's referring to so much more.

"I don't want to think about that," I whisper harshly, pressing the tips of my fingers into my eyelids.

"Okay," she says and I feel like, even though she isn't saying it out loud, she's somehow telling me that I'm going to have to think about it if I want to get better. She's probably right. It's no use running away from these things, but thinking about it still makes me want to fucking die. "Sasuke… I know you'll probably say hell no to this, but maybe you should tell your parents."

"No," I say right away. I groan and sniffle a bit. I wonder if I still sound drunk to her. I can hardly tell anymore. "They'll be mad at me."

"They'll be mad? Mad you were…?" she trails off.

"Yes," I bite out, finally looking up at her. "You don't get it!"

She nods her head, not fighting me on it. I feel like other parents might get it, but not mine. My dad smacked me over my grades, after all. That doesn't exactly warrant any trust.

Karin stares at me, not saying anything else. I guess I'm not exactly inviting further conversation on the topic.

"They'll just like…" I continue quietly, "Say I shouldn't have been drunk. If I had been focusing on my studies like I was supposed to it wouldn't have happened."

"You don't have to tell them you were drunk," she suggests meekly.

"I do, though," I reply, "How else am I going to explain how someone drugged me? Or how no one noticed us leaving?"

Karin looks contemplative. "You could tell them like…you were knocked out, or something."

My eyebrows knit close together. That sounds awful. I don't want to weave more lies into this than I already have to literally everyone in my life except for her. I have no idea how I'm going to keep this up, but at the same time I know I have to. It's fucking exhausting.

"No…" I shake my head. "I don't want to start making up shit. That will probably just end up getting me in trouble."

"Fair…" she murmurs, relenting.

"I just…" I pause, trailing off for a minute. I let out a sigh and then continue with, "I just want to know why it happened… Why'd he pick me? Was I being targeted for a while or did he just randomly see me and decide to mess with me? It's fucking with my head and I know it's all pointless because I'll never fucking know." I let out a breath, leaning down into my palms and rubbing my closed eyes. I feel a lump rise in my throat. I really don't want to cry here, but it feels too hard to choke back. "I feel so disgusting."

My voice sounds high pitched, like I'm going to start bawling at any second. I hate it. I sound weak. I sound like a scolded child.

"Sasuke –" Karin starts, but I cut her off.

"Don't," I whisper.

I don't want to hear what she has to say. I don't want her to try and comfort me. I don't want her to be here. I just want to be alone so I can revel in misery for a while. I hate being seen this way. I'll never be okay with it.

"You're allowed to cry," she quietly says to me. "You were hurt, so… cry."

I glance up at her from my hunched position. It sounds like she's giving me permission. Maybe a part of me feels like I need it.

I try to focus on my breathing—on the air coming in and out. I need to calm down. I already cried once tonight and I don't want to do it again. This is such a mess and I hate myself for getting this low. If I could just toughen up and get the fuck over what happened things could finally go back to normal.

"Go away," I say threateningly. I don't want Karin to see me this way. I wish she would get the hint and leave me the fuck alone.

She continues to stare at me and doesn't seem as if she has any intention of going. Half of me thinks she wants to stay and see me cry just so she can be sure I actually did it.

"Stop watching!" I shout, practically sobbing out the words.

She tilts her head to the side, looking so fucking sympathetic. She doesn't say anything, though. It's like she's just waiting for me to break in half. It's already happening. I'm cracking.

I feel stupid.

God, I feel stupid.

I palm at my eyes with shaky, clammy hands. My shoulders are trembling because I'm so overwhelmed. I run my fingers through my hair and take in a deep breath. When I let out it, it sounds sharp and choked, like a cough but not quite. I feel my expression knot and contort. Tears come out like water bursting from a dam and I start crying. Hard.

Fuck.

I feel stupid. I'm sitting here blubbering like a child and I feel so fucking stupid, but I can't stop. Once I start, I never feel like I can stop.

She reaches out and puts a hand on my shoulder. I wish she wouldn't. I don't want her to touch me. I don't want her anywhere fucking near me.

I don't stop her though. She's just trying to be supportive and I shouldn't be mad, but this is the opposite of helping.

I pinch the skin on my wrist hard just to try something—anything—to get myself to stop crying. It doesn't work. I just keep choking out tears while Karin's silence fills the room.

"It's okay," she says comfortingly, but it's not. It's not fucking okay. Nothing about this whole mess is okay. I wish I had never told her. I shouldn't have come here tonight. I ought to have just called a taxi and gone to a hotel.

I hear the door creak open behind me and I just fucking know that Naruto is standing there. I freeze right on the spot. I get quiet. I suck in all the emotions as best as I can and try to calm the fuck down.

He probably heard me from down the hall. I wasn't exactly being quiet.

"Uh…" I hear him mumble out sheepishly. "Is he okay…?"

"Obviously not, Naruto!" Karin snaps back.

I swipe at my eyes and sit up straight. "Stop talking about me like I'm not even fucking here," I mutter. My voice sounds hoarse and gravelly.

Karin looks annoyed. I don't know if she's annoyed that Naruto came in or if she's annoyed I forced myself to stop crying.

Either way, it ends as quickly as it began.

"Get the fuck out of here," Karin answers my question, definitely annoyed at Naruto, "Don't just barge into people's rooms!"

"Sorry," he bumbles, "It's just—I heard—"

"We were having a private conversation," she says, pushing herself up off the bed and walking over towards him. "I would think that would be obvious."

She grabs Naruto by the sleeve and shoves him forcefully out the door, closing it quickly behind him.

"I'm sorry he interrupted," she apologizes, returning to my side a moment later.

"That's fine," I mumble dejectedly, "He probably deserves to know considering he drove me all around tonight and catered to my bullshit."

Karin shrugs. "You don't have to tell him."

"I'm not going to," I reassure myself, "But I should say thanks."

"You don't have to do that now," she says. "Naruto is kind of dense, but he'll understand if you don't want to talk to him right now."

Honestly, I'm not so sure about that. I can tell he wants me to talk to him.

"I just want to get it over with," I admit.

"Fair," Karin responds with a weary smile.

I force myself to stand and I wander out of the room. I move down the hallway until I see a door cracked open. Heading towards it, I peek inside, spotting Naruto on his bed. The room is dim. There is a lamp on his nightstand, lighting up the room with a dull glow

"Hey," I greet, opening the door to his room a little wider

"Oh, hey…" he responds cautiously. "Sorry."

"I only cried because I'm drunk," I insist, leaning in his doorway and crossing my arms.

He smiles, looking like he's feeling sorry for me. "If you say so, Sasuke."

I take a few steps inside, nearing his bed. He pats the mattress, wordlessly telling me to sit down. So, I do.

"Yah look cute in my clothes," he says somewhat offhandedly.

I force out a short laugh, staring down at my current attire. "Right… thanks."

"Are you like…okay?" he asks, sitting up a little straighter and trying to look attentive.

"Not really," I admit. "I'm just upset about my grades. I'm upset that my parents are making such a big deal about it without asking me why it happened that way. They should know by now that I'm not the type of person who would do poorly just because they were feeling lazy."

Naruto nods knowingly. Part of me wants to tell him the truth. I feel like he's trustworthy and wouldn't be a jerk about it. Still, I can't bring myself to say the words.

"God," I continue, putting a hand to my forehead, "I can't believe my dad kicked me out."

"That's pretty fucked," he agrees.

"Thanks again for coming back to get me," I say sheepishly.

"Of course, I would never just ignore a friend asking for help."

Wow. Friends. That's not something I thought Naruto and I would be in a million years.

It doesn't sound bad, though. I could probably use more friends like him and Karin. Jugo and Suigetsu are good people, but they are hard to talk to. Suigetsu has a hard time taking anything seriously and Jugo is distant as hell. I guess I am, too, though.

It's hard. It's hard to change. It's hard to talk about things. It's hard not to try and shrug things off.

"Thanks," I murmur again, not sure what else to say. I'm not sentimental, so things like this make me seem awkward.

He nods his head and then says, "I'm glad you told me some stuff. I want you to know you can talk to me about whatever you want. I'm not going to judge you."

"I just… I hate seeing people with piteous looks on their face when I talk about this shit," I admit.

"It's not pity," he insists. "It's compassion, Sasuke."

I guess that sounds nice, but I don't know if it's true. Half the time I overhear people talking about serious shit it just seems like everyone around them just wants to say whatever they can to make them shut up faster.

Then again, maybe when I'm talking about serious shit I just want to shut myself up.

"Well, thanks," I finally say. "If I'm ever feeling up for it…we can talk more."

I don't think that will ever happen, but Naruto seems satisfied.

He doesn't press me further. Instead he just says, "You can stay with us as long as you want to. My aunt and uncle won't mind."

I give him a nod of thanks and stand up from the bed. "I should go to sleep," I tell him, even though I'm mostly just avoiding the conversation.

Naruto says goodnight and watches me as I leave the room and head back to Karin's. This night was a mess, but I guess I'm glad I called him after all.


	13. Chapter 13: Naruto

Author's note: Hey! we got a comment from someone mentioning that they thought only Kiba had a car, but we wanted to confirm that both him and Naruto both do! Sasuke is the only one who doesn't. If you see an inconsistency that you have a specific example of I would love for you to PM me so scarylolita and I can correct it within our fic :)

 **Naruto's POV**

Today is moving day, but all I can think about is Sasuke. I hope he's all right. He stayed with us for a couple days and then his mom asked him to come home. I guess she got worried. At least she cared enough to ask him to return.

It was weird as hell seeing him cry. I think he's the type of person who doesn't cry ever. I still don't really know what's going on with him, but it must be pretty serious. I don't think the only thing he's crying about is his grades. I feel like I'm being left in the dark, but I guess I have no right to know about what's going on in his life. I'm just curious. I want him to be okay and he doesn't seem like he is.

Karin, my aunt, and uncle are helping me move my shit into the apartment I chose. I don't have that much, so it doesn't take too long. I'm going to have to do some serious shopping when I get settled in.

The apartment is small, but I like it. There are two modest bedrooms, a little kitchen with enough room for a small table, a living room, a bathroom – just about everything I need.

My aunt and uncle were confused as hell as to why I was so set on a two-bedroom. They said I really only needed a studio if it was going to be just me. I told them I was hoping that Kiba would move in but Karin just rolled her eyes and said that it was never going to happen. Honestly, she's probably right. Even at this point I still haven't gotten an answer out of him. In fact, I haven't heard much from him since summer started. I guess it's to be expected. Now that he doesn't have school as an excuse to leave the house he's probably essentially on 24 hour lockdown. The assumption seems appropriate based on his parents' track record.

It's annoying. He's barely even on Facebook, so I haven't been able to talk to him much at all. It kind of worries me.

I want to drop by again, but I know he'd just get mad at me. I don't fucking know why, though. Why is it the end of the world if I worry about him?

I wonder if he's even left his house once since school let out. I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't. If his parents do have him on some sort of lockdown, they are probably being pretty strict about it.

They took his phone, so they might've taken his laptop, too. Since it's summer, it's not like he NEEDS to have it around.

The whole situation pisses me off. I wish I could give his parents a piece of my mind. I would tell them that they're fucking Kiba up and that if they want him to be able to function as an adult they need to knock it off and give him a little more personal freedom.

As Karin and her parents head home, I start unpacking some of my clothing into my closet. Unsurprisingly I chose the larger room for myself, but if someone ends up moving in and wanting the room we can swap. I don't really care.

Once things are a little more put together, I walk around the apartment snapping photos with my phone. Then I upload them to Facebook, making a little comment about being excited to have my own space and sharing my address for anyone who wants to stop by and visit.

I can't wait until the boring part is over and then I can start making this place feel homey. I start making a list of things I need – curtains, that's for sure. My aunt and uncle were kind enough to donate a little three-person sofa that was collecting dust in the basement as well as a small table set for the kitchen. They also gave me some extra sets of dishes and utensils. I took the little TV I had in my room as well as the rest of my things. Someday I'll upgrade to something bigger and better, but for now this will do just fine.

Karin made me promise I wouldn't be living off of cup ramen, so I'll definitely need to do some grocery shopping soon.

I'm pretty good at cooking—I'm just lazy. I like easy things like noodles and sandwiches. School keeps me busy and I don't have much time to dedicate to elaborate meals.

I lie down on my bed and stare up at the ceiling. There's so much shit I need to get. I'm going to need to dedicate my extra money after rent from this month's scholarship funds to getting those things together.

I roll over and grab my laptop off my bedside table, opening it and pulling up Amazon. A lot of the stuff I need I can order online, and I don't really feel like making an extra trip to the store just to buy a spatula. I'll just order a pizza tonight.

.

.

Come morning, I sleep in and wake up to a text from Kiba telling me he's on his way over. Relief explodes in my gut as I jump out of bed. I'm surprised, but in a good way. I didn't expect to hear from him any time soon, so this is great.

I head into the kitchen and get a glass of water as well as a leftover slice of pizza from the fridge. I eat it cold because I don't have a microwave. I guess that's another thing I'll have to add to the list.

I sit around for a few minutes until I hear the buzzer ring. When I answer it, Kiba says, " _Hey, man, buzz me in._ _"_

I press the button and wait by the front door. I only live on the second floor so it shouldn't take him long to find me.

When I finally hear him knock I open the door quickly. I'm excited to be able to ask him where he's been. Instead of being greeted with his smiling face, however, he's standing in my doorway with a pile of boxes so massive I don't know how he's even managing them.

"What the fuck," I blurt out before I have a chance to register what's going on, "Let me help you."

I grab the smallest box off the top and set it aside before grabbing the one below which proves to be significantly heavier. Kiba lets out a huff of relief as I take it out of his hands.

We struggle to drag all of his shit up to my room and when the deed is done I look at him and ask, "So, what's going on?"

"Not gonna give me the tour first?" he asks, trying to keep things light.

"That can come later."

"I'm moving in," he declares, throwing his hands up.

I raise an eyebrow. "Really? All of the sudden?"

"Shit. Don't tell me you found another roommate already…"

"No, no, nothing like that," I promise. "The room is yours, though you'll need to get a bed. I'm just surprised, to be frank. I haven't heard from you in forever and I didn't think you'd be moving in with me."

"Yeah, well," he trails off and shrugs. "Shit happens, I guess."

"Want to tell me about it?"

He smiles wearily. "Well, yeah, I guess I kinda have to, huh?"

"When you're ready," I assure him.

"You kept talking about how it would be best for me to get away from my parents," he explains, sitting down at one of his smaller boxes and starting to pull various books from it, "Plus we haven't been getting along so well lately."

"Mmm," I hum, urging him to continue.

"These past few weeks have been rough," he tells me as the stack grows, Akamaru sniffing around at his feet.

"I kind of figured," I admit, "When I didn't hear from you I sort of assumed that something fucky was happening. I thought about coming over but I knew you wouldn't like it."

"It's good that you didn't," Kiba confirms. "They were seriously up my ass and that would have made it worse."

"That sounds fucking annoying as hell." I sit down on the floor next to him, pulling up another box. "So what happened that lit the fire under your ass to pack up and bring all your shit here?"

Kiba shrugs. "They were just being controlling."

I want to roll my eyes at that. They're always controlling. It had to be more than just that.

"Seriously, Kiba?" I ask him incredulously.

He lets out a heavy sigh and looks up at me briefly before redirecting his eyes to Akamaru. "They, like, ordered my phone records," he finally says with a huff.

My jaw drops at that, though I don't even know why I'm surprised at this point. His parents do all kinds of weird shit. "Man, are you kidding? That is such a huge invasion of privacy…!"

"No shit," he mumbles. "They weren't even trying to hide it. They're so entitled they still don't think they did anything wrong."

"Did they find out anything…?" I pry, feeling anxious for him.

He sulks. "Yes… They started freaking the fuck out at me. They found out that I let YOU do me up the ass. So, that was awkward as fuck. We shouldn't have talked about it over text…"

I wince at that. "Shit…"

I can't exactly imagine anything worse than that. Kiba's situation is pretty fucked up as it is and that bit of information probably sparked an even bigger fire. I wonder if his parents are homophobic. I'm almost afraid to ask. It wouldn't shock me if they were gay-bashers. They seem like the type.

"Were they mad…?" I wonder.

"I mean…yeah?" he mumbles. "They like to know literally everything that goes on in my life so they weren't too stoked to find out I was hiding something like that."

"You weren't hiding it," I say defensively. "Not telling your parents who you have sex with is not keeping some big secret. It's totally normal. It's not like you broke your mom's favorite vase and then tried to blame it on your sister. There would have been literally no reason for you to tell them something like that."

"Yeah but like," Kiba pauses, his brow furrowed, "They just didn't realize we were that close, I guess? That's what they made it sound like at least. They don't exactly like me having friends like that."

"Friends like what?" I spit, "Friends who actually care about you?"

He lets out a long sigh. "That's not what I mean, Naruto. You KNOW what I mean."

I cross my arms. "Well, honestly, they should so NOT be getting mad at this. If they want you to talk to them about the shit going on in your life in the future, they should be cool about the shit going on in your life now."

"Yeah, but they don't really think that way," he admits with a shrug. "They're fucked."

"I'll say," I murmur in agreement. "I'm glad you decided to get the fuck out of there."

"I had to… It was way too uncomfortable."

"Yeah, I fuckin' bet."

I don't know how he did it for so damn long. I would've lost it. Then again, maybe he kind of already did. I don't want to say that about my best bud, but he's been all over the place lately and I still barely know why.

"So did they like, tell you they were okay with you moving out?" I ask. If they were all starting to get into a huge fight, I have no idea how Kiba managed to convince his parents that moving in with the person they were mad at him for sleeping with was a good idea.

"No…" Kiba shakes his head. "I just kind of…left."

"Seriously?" I gape.

"Yeah." He nods. "When my mom started hollering about how I was making horrible choices and shaking the printed out phone records in my face I was just kind of like, "No more." I literally barged into her room and grabbed my phone off her bedside table and as soon as I did that I knew I pretty much needed to get the fuck out of there. I went to my room and started throwing shit in boxes. My mom was like, freaking out, and Akamaru was barking at her a lot which was sort of awesome." He reaches down and gives Akamaru a pat on the head. "She kept demanding that I stop and that I hand my phone back over to her but I literally just ignored it. I seriously texted you to say I was coming right in front of her."

I chortle at that. "Man, that's wicked. I'm glad. That's a pretty big fuck you. Hopefully your parents will start thinking about how they've been acting."

"They probably won't," he admits with a shrug.

And he's probably right, but it'd be nice if they did. I don't think parents realize how much they can fuck their kids up sometimes. It's sad. Kiba's parents are a pretty perfect example. Their hearts might be in the right place, but they seem like the most overbearing people in the world.

"Fuck it," he adds. "I don't want to think about them."

I smile a small smile. "All right, deal. We can go out for breakfast if you want. Then we can go shopping. I need groceries and you need a bed."

"Yeah," he says with a snort. "I need… A lot of things. I don't really own much and it's not like my parents would ever let me take the furniture from my room."

I nod my head. "Yeah, probably not."

"I don't really have a lot of money," he admits sheepishly.

I guess I expected as much.

"That's fine. I can help you out a bit," I tell him, even though I know this month is already going to be tight. I don't want him to feel guilty and like he should go back to his parents' house.

"I'm going to look for a job," Kiba tells me.

Finding one on this short of notice will be hard, but I do believe that he'll at least try. I might just have to wait on buying certain things for myself until next month. Maybe I can get a job too, even if it's just for the summer.

I glance around the room. It's going to cost a lot of get everything we need. As much as I hate to admit it we might need to put off buying some of the larger pieces of furniture.

"Do you want to like—" I murmur awkwardly, "Sleep in my room for now? Y'know, until we can get you a mattress or whatever."

Sharing a bed honestly makes the most sense, but I don't really know what I'm offering up by giving him an option like that. We haven't exactly solidified what our relationship is at this point.

Kiba looks uneasy, "Oh—yeah…Or I can just sleep on the couch."

"Yeah," I say with a shrug. "Whatever you're most comfortable with."

He nods his head slowly, shoving his hands in his hoodie pockets.

"I'll grab my wallet and we can head out," I say. Yeah, I'm still in my pyjamas, but I don't really give a fuck. I grab my wallet from my room and slip into my sneakers before heading out.

"This is a pretty nice area," Kiba notes.

"Yeah, I didn't want to live in the ass-crack of town," I say. "I wanted to be somewhere safe and close to school."

"Good idea," he says.

I can tell he's only half-interested in the conversation right now. His head is elsewhere. Well, he'll talk when he wants to. He's probably still reeling over his parents finding out about what we did.

We head to a diner that I've never been to but I know is nearby. I'm glad that we'll be able to walk to most things from my apartment especially if I'm going to be buying everything for a while. I don't need to add tanks of gas onto my list of things I have to budget for.

When we get there we sit in a small booth across from each other. We both order coffee and I spend a minute glancing over the menu trying to choose a reasonably priced dish. I end up settling on some side orders of bacon and toast, but when Kiba says he's eyeing the steak and eggs I tell him to get whatever he wants. He honestly deserves it. His life is so fucking stressful.

"Thanks again," he says sullenly as our food arrives.

"It's no problem," I reassure him.

We eat, talking casually about our marks and shit like that. I want to tell him about Sasuke, but I don't really know how to bring it up until he asks, "So, what have you been up to? I feel like we haven't even seen one another in weeks."

"It HAS been weeks, dude," I remind him. "Uh, not much. I had a weird run in with Sasuke a little while ago."

"Yeah?" he asks, looking mildly curious.

"Yeah, I went to a pub to get a bite and a beer and he was there," I say. "He was loaded. Apparently he had been there for half the day drinking. I didn't know that when I got there though, so I got him a few more beers. By the end he was totally sloshed."

Kiba starts chortling. "Weird. I wonder why."

"He's hard on himself," I say. "He's upset about his marks."

He scrunches up his nose, making a face of disdain, "What does Sasuke have to be upset about? Did he get a B?"

I can't help but let out a little laugh, "That's what I thought too man, but no, I guess he did really poorly—like almost failed."

Kiba's brow furrows, but he doesn't look sympathetic. "Well, he was never in class. I don't feel that bad for him."

I shrug. "Yeah. I think there was some shit going on."

"So?" Kiba continues. "We all have shit going on. You can't let that wreck your life and then bitch and moan about the repercussions of it."

I roll my eyes. I want to tell Kiba that he's one to talk. I would think that he of all people could be understanding of the fact that sometimes bad shit that happens carries with you.

"Be nice," is all I say.

"Why?" he asks carelessly, peering up at me from his food. "You got a lil gay crush on him or something?"

I scoff. "No. I just have compassion."

He doesn't look like he gives a crap and I don't want to start a fight, so I drop it. If we're going to be living together, I really don't want to be arguing about shit every five minutes.

"Whatever," Kiba says dismissively. "I am nice when people deserve it, but that asshole has never given me a reason to be nice to him."

"He's not a bad guy," I reason.

"Don't care."

I refrain from rolling my eyes again. Instead, I decide to change the subject. "Want to come grocery shopping with me after we eat?"

"Sure," he says.

When we finish I pay the bill and we head back to my apartment. There's a discount grocery store that's within reasonable walking distance but if we're shopping for a large supply of food it won't be any fun to try and lug it all back by foot.

I let Kiba drive since his car is bigger and I figure we'll be able to get more done with just a single trip. Travel time is only about five minutes and as we pull into the parking lot I try to put together a mental list of the things we'll need.

Kiba grabs a cart and pushes it around behind me as I pull various items off the shelves, examining their listed prices for sale tags.

The process feels oddly domestic and I can tell Kiba feel awkward about it too because every time I look back at him he quickly glances away, trying to occupy himself with the sticky wheel of the cart.

I buy pasta, cans of soup, tomato sauce, cheese, fish, chicken and whatever else I can think of. I keep tossing things into the cart and Kiba drives it silently, following me down each aisle I turn.

I turn to Kiba and ask, "Is there anything in particular you want?"

"Not really," he says carelessly.

"All right. Let me know if you change your mind."

I don't push. I hope he doesn't feel burdensome because that isn't how I feel. I asked him to move in with me and I want him here. If I didn't, I wouldn't have asked. I wouldn't have taken him out to eat. I wouldn't have asked him to come grocery shopping with me.

When we're finished shopping, we head up to the cash register.

As the cashier rings up our items, I'm happy to see that it's cheaper than I had expected it to be. I guess I did a good job of picking the discount items, which is a pretty uplifting feeling considering this is the first time I've done a huge grocery haul by myself.

Kiba helps me carry the bags out to the car and as we load them into the trunk he pauses.

"Did you think some something you wanted?" I ask, catching him eyeing the grocery bags.

"I was just thinking like, maybe we should get some booze," he says cheekily. "Break the apartment in sorta thing."

I snort out a laugh, "Yeah, I think we could make that happen."

.

.

We end up getting a quart of vodka and a pint of spiced rum. We stop at a nearby corner store and get a litre of pop before heading back to my place. We put away all of the shit I bought and I make dinner because there's no way in hell I'm letting him drink on an empty stomach. I end up making spaghetti because it is quick and easy. Plus, I know Kiba likes it.

"I can teach you how to cook if you want," I mention when we're at the eating at the table.

"Sure," he says. "I guess I should probably learn a few things. I feel bad, like a total bum."

"Don't," I assure him. "It's not your fault you don't know how to do these things. This is the perfect time for you to learn."

"True…" he agrees forlornly.

"You can make dinner with me sometime," I say, twirling the spaghetti around my fork. "I'll show you all the basics."

As we finish up our food we set the dishes in the sink. I pull the pop out of the fridge and mix it with a half-glass of rum. I make Kiba one too because even though I know the vodka is a little more his speed, I don't exactly want him drinking it straight considering his track record.

He gives me a nod of thanks as I hand him the glass and sit down on the couch next to him.

We flick the television on and settle on some light sitcom and chat about whatever the hell comes to mind.

"Thanks for letting me stay here," he murmurs offhandedly.

"Man, you know it's no problem," I tell him sincerely. "I want you here. Living alone would be boring."

I smiles faintly. "Yeah, I guess it would be."

"Sai was a weird roommate," I add. "He was rarely around. I'd much rather room with someone I'm good friends with."

"Fair," he says.

"Think things will be okay with your parents?" I wonder.

He shrugs his shoulders and scrunches up his face. "Dunno, to be honest. They're going to be pissed for a while. I've been talking back to them a lot. I think they wanted to prevent things getting this bad, but it didn't work out. If I ever crawl back, they're probably going to make me grovel."

"That's fucked up," I mutter.

"Yeah," he agrees, "but I'm kind of used to them by now. I don't really disobey them, though. I've been acting up recently, but this is the first time I've really fucked things up."

"You didn't fuck up," I try to reason.

We're silent for a while, staring at the television and drinking our drinks. I finish first and when Kiba catches up I refill our cups.

I hand the glass off to him and sit back down with a thump. This is good I think. I hope it becomes the norm—us just sitting and talking in our living room together.

I glance over at Kiba. He's tapping his fingers anxiously against the arm of the couch. I wish there was something I could say or do to calm him down but I think I just have to let him ride this one out.

He sucks his second drink down fast. It's not surprising I guess. He's probably trying to take his mind off the whole mess. It is really fucked up what his parents did. I still can't believe they ordered his phone records.

It is especially fucked up because Kiba is nineteen years old. He's not a kid. He has the right to have his own life and his own secrets, but I guess for some unknown reason they disagree. I feel like they can't possibly respect him if they're pulling stunts like this. Respect means trust and they don't have any of it.

"I'm going to try not to dwell on it," he murmurs. "There's no use in it."

"Yeah," I respond, unable to offer anything more than that. He's right. There IS no use dwelling. It won't change a damn thing.

"I mean… to an extent, I get why they're like this, but I also don't…" he says, sounding like he's reasoning with himself rather than talking to me.

"Yeah?" I pry.

He shrugs, choosing not to explain what he's referring to. So, I don't push.

"We'll have fun this summer," I tell him offhandedly because I feel like he really needs to have a little fun. He hasn't had any lately.

"I hope so," he says, glancing at me with a weary smile.

I refill our cups again. After our third drink, I can tell we've both got a good buzz going.

"So like—" Kiba says after a moment of silence. He swirls what's left of his drink around in his cup. "Now that you and Sasuke are all buddy buddy am I gonna see him around all the time?"

He's trying to mask it but his tone is passive aggressive. I'm surprised he's bringing this back up.

"We're not all 'buddy buddy,'" I scoff. "We haven't even really talked since he stayed with me."

Kiba scrunches up his nose. "He stayed with you?"

"With me AND Karin," I correct, "And my aunt and uncle. It was only for a few days after the fiasco at the bar."

"Huh," Kiba muses, sitting up a little and repositioning on the couch, "That's like—I mean you guys sound like you're getting pretty close to me."

"Dunno," I admit. "He doesn't really let people get that close… but I guess, for him, it might've been close. He opened up. I got to see parts of him I doubt anyone has ever seen."

"Like what?" Kiba asks. "His asshole?"

I choke back a laugh. "No, douche. I'm talking about his emotions and his feelings."

Kiba rolls his eyes. "God, you're a fruit."

"Says you," I retort.

"I don't know why you care so much about that shit," he mutters.

"It makes me feel close to people," I explain as best as I can. "I like to feel trusted. It deepens relationships and friendships."

"So, what?" Kiba starts. "Sasuke told you some secrets?"

"I don't know," I muse. "He did tell me that he's gay. That kind of surprised me 'cause he messes around with so many girls."

But I guess he hasn't been doing that lately. He's too distracted with whatever the hell is going on in his life.

Maybe I shouldn't mention it. He told me not to, but I'm drunk and when I'm drunk I get too chatty.

Kiba twists his lips into a scowl. "Oh," he says. "I wouldn't have guessed that either."

"He did a good job of hiding it," I add.

"Yeah, unlike you," Kiba snorts. It's phrased as a joke but comes out bitter. I give him a sideways look. I can't figure out why he sounds so fucking salty over the whole thing.

"Yeah I guess," I reply, trying to let it roll off my back.

I don't really know what else to say, so I just focus on my drink and watch as Kiba sinks further into the couch.

Finally, he turns towards me and after finishing the remainder of his alcohol says, "You know, I bet Sasuke's pretty crazy in bed."

"You think?" I let out a little laugh.

"Yeah." He nods. "Or really boring. It has to be one end or the other."

"I'm betting he's crazy," I say. "I mean, I bet sex is how he lets loose since he's so damn uptight. Plus, all the girls say he's a good fuck."

"That doesn't count," Kiba insists. "I bet the kind of sex he's having with dudes is a little different than the kind he's had with girls."

I roll my eyes, not bothering to argue with his rhetoric. Instead, I muse, "I wonder how many guys he's had sex with…"

Kiba side-eyes me. "You wanna bed him or something?"

"Well, I definitely wouldn't mind," I admit. "He's, like, really good looking."

"If that your type, then?" Kiba wonders. "Pretty guys? You may as well do a chick."

"If that's what you think, you're completely missing the point," I murmur, but I really don't want to start arguing with him over crap he doesn't seem to care about.

His lips quirk upward. "I'm kidding. Chill. I'm just trying to get a rise out of you."

I roll my eyes, giving him a dirty sideways glance. Akamaru whines, putting his paws up on the couch. He's a lot bigger now, probably forty pounds.

"Sasuke is pretty hot though, you have to admit," I add offhandedly as I reach out and pat Akamaru on the snout.

"Yeah," Kiba chuckles. "I guess it makes sense that you'd go for a guy like him."

"How so?" I ask.

"I mean, you went with Gaara," he reminds me. "He's all dark and brooding or whatever."

"I guess." I shrug, although I don't see how it's relevant. Maybe that really is my type. Maybe I like feeling like I'm getting to know them better. Either way, I don't see why Kiba cares.

"Sasuke and Gaara are both closed off as fuck," he says. "They're so damn sour and they're total tools. You probably like the chase of getting to know them, cracking them open and seeing what's inside."

"You're like that too, yah know," I retort.

He looks pissed off at that. He opens his mouth and I immediately know he's going to start arguing with me. "I'm not like those two dicks."

"Aw, don't be jealous," I coo, reaching forward and pinching his cheek. He slaps my hand away, scowling. "You're the only one I've been with twice."

He scoffs at that and we're silent for a minute. I glance at him from the side and ask, "So, wanna mess around?"

He glances back and shrugs. "Yeah, okay."

We get up off the couch and head to my bedroom. It's so fucking unceremonious but I guess I don't care since it looks like I'm going to go through with it anyway.

I climb onto my mattress and strip off my shirt, tossing it aside and letting it fall into the crack between my bed and the wall. Kiba does the same, although he struggles for a moment with pulling it over his head. We really are drunk—no surprise there.

The last time we did it we were sober, so this is probably fine, right? Kiba moves closer to me. He looks jaded as fuck.

"You sure?" I ask as a courtesy but he only nods.

"I'm fine," he promises.

I nod in return. I'll just have to take his word for it.

We finish ditching our clothes. I roll on a condom and then grab the lube from my nightstand drawer. Here we go again, I guess.

I lie down on my bed and Kiba gets on top of me, positioning himself as he sinks onto my lap. He is wincing. I almost ask him if it hurts, but I feel like he'd hate the question. He would say something snooty or he'd tell me to shut the fuck up. He lets out a shuddery breath and it takes him a few minutes to start moving.

The first thing I notice is that he's good at this. Really good. He moves his hips than any girl I've been with. He must be a natural, 'cause there's honestly no other explanation for it.

The second thing I notice is that he doesn't really let me touch him. I try to kiss him, but he doesn't let me get close enough. I start to reach for his dick, but he grabs my hands and pins them above my head. As hot as this position is, it feels like there's something off.

He let me touch him the first time, but that's because we were on E. I never touched him the second time and I'm not touching him this time, either. He does all the work. He gets me off and he gets himself off, cumming with a string of expletives.

It feels like I just ordered a hooker. That sounds bad, but it's true. Hookers don't kiss their Johns, right?

We lay side by side, not saying anything or moving. I glance at him. He's staring up at the ceiling. I watch his chest move up and down.

"How are you so good at that?" I ask.

He glances back at me and flushes, looking mildly taken aback. "Riding dick?! Jeez, I'm not!" he insists, returning his attention to the ceiling.

I snort back a laugh. "If you say so." I get up and toss out the condom before grabbing a tissue.

I can't help but wonder if he's hooked up with guys before. It seems fucking impossible and he told me almost explicitly in our conversation after the first time we messed around that he hadn't, but part of me feels like he was lying.

Then again, I also feel like I would have noticed—or found out—or something. I guess I didn't know Sasuke was into guys either, but Kiba and I have been close friends for a while.

Ugh. There are just too many variables at this point.

I get back into bed and roll over towards him, propping my head up against the pillows.

"So, do you think you're like—gay? Or whatever," I ask. It doesn't really matter, but I am curious.

Kiba doesn't reply. His brow furrows and he looks contemplative. "I don't know," he says after a minute.

I let out a sigh. "I don't know either."

"S'too complicated," he mumbles. "I don't like thinking about it much… 'specially not when I'm drunk."

"I think about it a lot, whether I'm drunk or sober," I admit. "Like, I want to figure it out. I dunno. Maybe I should sleep with another girl and see how I feel."

"Go ahead," he mutters. He sounds like he's annoyed. I don't know if that's because he's jealous or if he just feels like I'm being impolite by talking about this after we just messed around.

"Dunno who," I contemplate.

Kiba stifles a yawn with the back of his hand. "Most girls like you. It won't be difficult for you to find someone."

I can't help but wonder if that's true.

Maybe I really should hook up with another girl. This whole 'not knowing my own sexuality' thing has been a major pain in the ass. It's driving me kind of crazy and no shade to Kiba but honestly sleeping with him is not helping in the slightest.

I mean I am having fun and all, but I don't like Kiba. Not in a serious way at least. I'm not interested in dating him even a little bit and our whole setup is making things kind of confusing for me. I have no idea if I actually like men or if I just like convenient sex.

I kind of want to have a conversation with him about it, but right now's probably not a good time. I wish we weren't trying to figure this out together because if Kiba had his ducks in a row I think it would be a lot easier for me to piece together how I feel.

Kiba seems careless about the entire thing. I don't know if he honestly doesn't care or if he's just pretending because he doesn't want to think about it. He said it's too complicated and I definitely agree with that. I just wish I knew why. It doesn't seem like it should be this hard to figure out.

"Stop thinking about it," Kiba mumbles. His eyes are closed by now.

"Fine," I say. "Wanna sleep in here tonight?"

"Yeah, 'kay," he responds.

It would be pretty rude for me to kick him out after he let me fuck him. I think he'd probably agree.

After a few minutes, he gets up and puts his sweatpants back on, holding the wall as he leaves my room. He's probably going to brush his teeth. I guess I should follow.


	14. Chapter 14: Kiba

**Kiba's POV**

A few weeks pass and Naruto and I get into the groove of living together.

It's a little weird at first since I don't have very many of my own things and have to borrow a lot of shit, but Naruto is flexible and understanding. Besides, anything is better than living at home right now.

I couldn't even believe it when my mom came at me with my phone records. When I deleted my texts I thought there was no way for her to get her hands on them, but I guess the messages being erased piqued her interest. She called the phone company and asked them to send her a statement. Since she's the one in charge of our phone plan they didn't have any problem with it.

When my parents found out me and Naruto messed around, they just asked me if it was because of Hiro. I wanted to fucking scream. I felt sick to my stomach. All I could do was tell them to go fuck themselves. I wasn't going to explain myself to them. How dare they do that to me? I never thought they'd stoop that low, but I guess I was mistaken. No matter how low they stoop, they always find a way to go even lower.

It was such a betrayal. My family is shit. I don't know if I will ever be able to get over it. I don't know how they could do a thing like that and then demand answers from me. Fuck that. Fuck them. I'm still so angry. The anger really sets in when I start thinking about it. I don't want to seem like I'm dwelling, but it's kind of hard not to.

Things are kind of fucked now that I'm not living with people who can pay for everything for me. Naruto's been more than generous but I've had to give certain things up.

For starters, after I took my phone back and left my house, my mom shut down my line. It's kind of a bummer but not really unexpected. I guess I don't need a phone. At least this way they can't call and pester me.

At the beginning of this month Naruto took me to get a mattress. I tried to pick the cheapest one because I feel guilty as hell, but he wouldn't let me.

" _Money_ _'_ _ll be a little tight this month but once you buy a bed we won_ _'_ _t have to get it again, so you might as well get a decent one_ ," he said, flopping down onto one of the floor model beds.

He was right about that. A better bed will last. He also got his wifi hooked up, so we have internet now. My parents never took away my laptop, thankfully.

I should really try and get a job. Then I can set my phone up again. I just don't feel like I can handle a job and go to school at the same time and it's already halfway into summer. Will anyone even hire me at this point? It seems stupid. I have no marketable skills.

"What am I good at?" I ask Naruto.

We're bumming around in the living room. He's on his laptop and I'm on mine.

"Fucking," he says, not bothering to glance at me from his screen. Then he starts to laugh like he just told a joke.

I scowl at that. "I'm being serious, you ass. I need to figure out a way to make some money."

"A person can make money if they're good in bed," he says.

I know he's joking, but it's really pissing me off. I don't want to feel like dead weight around here.

"Well, I'm not about to be a hooker!" I snap.

He's smiling as he glances at me. "I'm kidding. Jeez. I don't care if you get a job. You don't need to."

"I want too," I tell him firmly, and it's the truth. Naruto's been doing everything for me lately and it's making me uncomfortable to be relying on him so damn much.

"Okay," he hums, scratching his chin, "I mean you could probably work on campus. There's also a ton of restaurants around here if you don't mind service work."

"That sounds stressful," I admit, because it fucking does. I don't know if I could handle running around and taking people's orders.

"You should go to the school's student job website then," Naruto tells me, "I've heard they're good at working around your class schedule as long as you tell them whenever your availability changes."

"Huh…" I muse. "Yeah, I guess that might work."

I type in the website and go to the job listings. There are a few that look tolerable. I want something stress-free while I'm in school because I want my studies to be my main focus.

"You could work in the book store or something," Naruto suggests. "It'd be nice and quiet."

"Or the mail room," I say as I scan the list of possibilities.

Working at school would be very convenient. Plus, apart from being able to set up my phone again, I could also contribute for rent and I'd be able to use my car again. Driving helps me feel independent, even though I know I'm not. I miss it. I haven't been able to drive because I'm low on gas and I'm completely broke apart from a few bucks in my wallet.

"Do I have to have like—qualifications?" I ask as I peruse the application form.

"Not really?" Naruto replies, but he doesn't seem confident in his answer. "I think they kind of know that a lot of students haven't had experience working before."

"That's probably true," I say in an attempt to reassure myself as I type in the few vague pieces of information they ask for.

Name, student ID number, email address.

"Can I use your phone number?" I ask sheepishly when I come across the box asking for the most reliable way to reach you. I'm guessing Facebook isn't an acceptable answer.

"Sure," Naruto chuckles before reciting his digits to me.

The application asks a few basic questions about why I'm interested in the job. I wish I could tell them that I've essentially been kicked out of my parents' house, but somehow I think that wouldn't go over well.

I don't want them to think I'm looking for a pity offer and I also don't want them to feel pressured to give me a job just because my life is screwed up right now. I need to figure my own shit out and there's nothing I hate more than free handouts.

When I'm done filling out the application, I send it off. I hope this works out. I don't know what else I'm going to do. It sucks enough living off of Naruto, but it sucks even more not having access to my phone and car.

"What'ya wanna do today?" Naruto asks me

"Whatever," I say carelessly.

He scrunches up his face. "Pick something."

"I don't care," I tell him. "You pick."

"Well," he muses, "I have been meaning to get a new pair of shorts."

I don't really want to go shopping, but I feel like I kind of owe it to him after all the shit he's bought me.

"That sounds fine," I say apathetically. "We can go to the store."

"Okay cool, just give me a second to change into real people clothing." Naruto sets his laptop aside and heads for his room, returning a few moments later still sporting the shirt he wore to bed but now paired with jeans instead of pajamas.

I put my laptop away too, heading towards the door and picking up Akamaru's service dog vest before buckling him into it.

We walk out to Naruto's car and I open up the back door to let Akamaru climb in. Then I take my seat in front as Naruto climbs in on the driver's side.

We head to the mall. I stare out the window the entire time, watching the scenery pass. The radio plays some crappy music, making the lack of conversation less tense.

When we arrive at the mall, we park and head inside. Naruto starts blabbing about some random crap. I nod along the entire time, saying, "Hm," and "Yeah," every so often so he knows that I am listening.

We check a few different stores until Naruto finally settles on a pair of shorts.

"Do you need anything?" he asks, glancing at me.

"Nah," I say.

"You sure?"

"Yes," I insist. I really don't want him buying me shit anymore. I already feel bad about it

He shrugs and then relents with, "All right."

We leave the store and walk back through the mall towards the door we came in. To get out we have to make our way through a large department store, but as we pass through the aisles of display shoes I spot a familiar face fiddling with a pair of sneakers.

"Hey," I say, tapping Naruto on the shoulder discreetly. "Sasuke's here."

"What? Where?" he stops walking and looks around.

"Over there." I point in the direction of where Sasuke's standing.

As I do, Sasuke puts the shoes he's holding down and looks up in our direction. He definitely sees me. Great. Now we have to interact.

"Hey!" Naruto calls, waving an eager hand at him.

Sasuke waves back. It's weird to see him even acknowledging Naruto since he spent so many years blatantly ignoring him.

Naruto heads straight for him, so I have no choice but to follow.

"Hi," Sasuke says once we're close enough.

"What're yah up to?" Naruto asks him.

Sasuke shrugs. "Nothing really. I just wanted to get out for a while."

"Same with us," he says, holding up his bag. "I bought shorts."

Sasuke smiles faintly and it's weird to see. It's especially weird considering it's directed at Naruto. "Super."

"If you're not doing anything too important you should hang out with us," Naruto invites.

I hate that idea, but I have no right to complain. So, I keep my mouth shut.

"What would we do?" Sasuke asks.

"Whatever," Naruto says simply. "We can go back to my house for supper. I am a good cook."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah, come over and I'll prove it!"

Ugh, barf. I stand next to Naruto with crossed arms, waiting for the interaction to be over so we can leave, but it looks like Sasuke will be coming with us now.

Akamaru wags his tail and whines a little at Sasuke, who gives him a puzzled look.

"Can I pet your dog?" he asks as Akamaru continues to paw at his feet.

"Uh, no," I say, and it comes off a little more snooty than I mean it to.

Naruto gives me a funny look and I know it's because I let him pet Akamaru, but I really don't want everyone getting the idea that they can just touch him whenever.

"Sorry, he's a service dog," I finish so that I don't seem so blatantly rude. "He isn't supposed to be pet—Akamaru come here!" I snap my fingers and point at my feet.

"That's fine. Sorry," Sasuke tells me as Akamaru returns to my side, "I just assumed he wanted to be pet since he was sniffing around me."

It's true, that was a little weird. Akamaru isn't supposed to do that, but I guess we do still have a lot of training sessions to finish.

Now that Naruto and Sasuke are done flirting with one another, we all head out.

"Did you drive here?" Naruto asks.

"I walked," Sasuke says. "It's nice out and I live relatively close."

"Great," Naruto says, nodding for us to follow him to his car.

The ride is quiet. Sasuke sits in the backseat with Akamaru. I don't say much. The ride mostly consists of Naruto talking, trying to fill the gaps of silence.

I glance in the back and see Akamaru staring at Sasuke. I don't know why.

When we arrive at the apartment complex, we get out and head in. Naruto digs out his keys, unlocking the front door when we arrive in front of his place.

"Home sweet home," Naruto says when he opens the door. "I just moved in here a little while ago. Kiba moved in a few weeks ago."

"It's nice you two live together," Sasuke replies.

He is acting weirdly good natured.

As Naruto gives the grand tour Sasuke around the apartment I hang back in the entryway, taking my time to unclip Akamaru's service vest. As soon as I put it away, however, Akamaru runs off to join up with Sasuke yet again.

I follow after him to Naruto's bedroom where Sasuke is being shown Naruto's video game collection in its completion, but stay at the door as my dog approaches them, now yipping for attention.

Sasuke shoots me an uneasy look as Akamaru sits at his feet, gazing up at him expectantly.

"Fine, you can pet him," I spit out bitterly. I don't know why but it really fucking annoys me. There's no reason that Akamaru should be acting up like this and it makes me mad that I can't stand by the rule I set earlier.

"Are you sure?" Sasuke asks, staring down at my dog.

I shrug, gesturing for him to help himself.

Sasuke kneels down, giving Akamaru some pets. Akamaru starts nuzzling him and Naruto begins cooing at the sight. "Aw, he likes yah."

"Wonder why," I murmur, trying not to sound bitter. I'm genuinely curious.

"Don't know," Sasuke responds simply.

After a few minutes of that, Sasuke stands back up. We all head into the kitchen and Naruto looks through the cupboards as me and Sasuke sit at the table.

"Feel like chicken?" Naruto asks us.

"I'm down for whatever," I say

"Me, too," Sasuke adds politely. "I'm not fussy."

With that, Naruto starts gathering ingredients together.

"Want help?" Sasuke offers.

"Nah," Naruto says. "You're the guest, so sit back and relax."

I'd offer to help, but I can't cook for shit and Naruto hasn't begun teaching me anything yet.

Sasuke and I are seated at opposite ends of the dining table, staring awkwardly at one another. I have literally no idea what to say to him. I went to school with him for years and I don't even have any idea what any of his interests are.

"So," Sasuke says finally, breaking the silence, "I remember Naruto mentioning to me that you weren't sure if you were going to be able to move in. Did sometime change?"

I want to tell him it's none of his business but I guess I should be more inconspicuous than that. It's obvious he's trying. He probably wants to impress Naruto.

"I was always relying on my parents for everything," I say vaguely, "I thought it would be good for me to get some experience living on my own."

"That's fair." He nods. "I'm still living with my parents over the summer."

"Are you moving back into the dorms when school starts?"

"I'm not sure yet," he admits.

"What do you mean?" I pry.

He shrugs a shoulder. "I don't know what I'll be doing next year."

Clearly he doesn't want to talk about it, so I'm not going to pry any further. Naruto mentioned something about him being emotional lately or something – maybe this is part of why.

"Well, you'll have to figure it out soon enough," I remind him. "School is starting up again in less than two months."

Sasuke looks mildly annoyed at me, but he doesn't express it. "Yes, I'm aware of that, thanks."

Naruto probably senses that things are getting intense because he chooses now to cut into the conversation. "Been hanging out with Karin much lately?"

"A bit," Sasuke says. "She tends to show up and drag me out when I'm being too reclusive."

"That's good!" Naruto says optimistically, although I don't see what's good about it. If Sasuke wants to be left alone everyone should probably just let him be.

"So when did you two start being friends?" I butt back into the conversation. It's a question I already know the answer to but I'm not sure if I'm supposed to let on that Naruto told me or not. "Last I remember you two weren't getting along so hot."

"Oh—"Sasuke kind of side-eyes Naruto before looking back to me, "We ran into each other at a bar and ended up talking for a while."

Naruto nods in agreement before slyly throwing me a disapproving look. It's obvious he doesn't want me to take the conversation further.

He probably doesn't want me to make things awkward or tense. He probably doesn't want me to upset Sasuke… but I can't really help myself. "Yeah? What were you doing at a bar? You haven't really been into the social scene lately."

"Well, I just…" Sasuke pauses and trails off. "I guess I wanted to get out of the house. I ended up stopping there to eat. Then Naruto showed up and we had a drink."

I nod along to what he's saying. "Cool, cool."

"Yeah, turns out Sasuke is a pretty fun guy," Naruto says, all smiles.

The notion makes me want to laugh because, quite frankly, I don't believe it for a second. Nonetheless, I don't laugh. I just nod again.

"Did you guys drink a lot?" I question.

"Not particularly," Naruto says with authority. It's obvious he's trying to get me to shut up.

"No?" I push it a little further, "I would think you'd have to be pretty drunk to talk about the stuff you guys did since you're usually so reserved Sasuke."

As I finish my sentence, Akamaru starts to nudge my hand. He whines softly.

For a moment Sasuke doesn't say anything. He just leans forward, resting his chin in his hands, elbows resting on the table. He cocks an eyebrow at Naruto who's looking fucking distressed.

"I got drunker than I meant to," Sasuke finally admits with a sigh.

"Kiba –" Naruto barks my name, giving me a clear warning to stop overstepping my bounds.

"Whaaaat?" I ask, trying to feign innocence.

Hopefully Sasuke won't get mad at Naruto later on… but so what if he does? It's not my fault. If he knew Sasuke would get mad, then he shouldn't have told me anything.

"Stop being a dick," he says flat out.

Honestly, I don't even know why I'm acting like this. It's immature as hell, but I keep drooling out douchey comments. I'm trying to rile him up, but it's not working. He's calm and collected as ever. It's hard to imagine him being emotional like Naruto mentioned. It's hard to imagine him talking about his feelings when he's been so monotonous and apathetic all night.

I don't understand how Naruto gets all these people who are usually so guarded to open up to him. It's ridiculous. It's not like he's particularly good at solving problems.

I should honestly be asking myself why I even open up to him. It was fine when it was just me and maybe it's childish but now that it's Sasuke too I'm kind of pissed off.

Knowing that Sasuke told Naruto personal shit makes me feel competitive, but in a weird way that I don't know how to deal with. I'm unsure of if it makes me want to be more stone cold or to open up even further in order to displace Sasuke.

"Sorry," is all I say as I stand up from the table. Akamaru yips and whines at me like he's supposed to do when I need to leave a situation. Naruto stares uncomfortably at his reaction and all of a sudden I hate that I told him what to look for.

I don't linger. Hell no.

On my way out, I hear Sasuke say something that sounds snappy, but I don't stick around to listen. They're probably going to start arguing because I let it slip that Naruto told me some shit he shouldn't have told me.

I sit in my room in the center of my bed with Akamaru. He's trying to make me feel better. I flop backwards, lying down and staring up at the ceiling.

I hope Sasuke doesn't get too pissed off at Naruto. If he does, I know Naruto is going to blame me for it even though he's the one who spilled shit in the first place.

Then again, maybe Sasuke will be okay with it. It's not like Naruto even told me anything important.

In an attempt to distract myself I pull out my laptop. Maybe I'll watch a show or dick around on social media.

I open a new browser and open up Facebook. Once it loads I'm surprised to see I have a new friend request, so I float over the icon to see who it's from.

Ugh.

It's from Hiro.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. He's probably been texting my phone and getting "cannot be delivered" messages in return.

I hit ignore and tab away. There were several times when Hiro tried to add me in high school but he always eventually left me alone.

Not even a minute later there's a 'ping' from the Facebook window. I click back to see that Hiro's added me again and this time has included a message with it.

" _Add me you whiney baby._ _"_

I scowl before hitting ignore again.

"Go away," I mutter aloud to myself.

Then he tries again and I begin to feel anxious. I slump over my computer screen and I debate on blocking him, but I feel like he would just create another account and add me on that one. It would be never-ending. He'll try until he wins.

So, I click accept. I start shaking. I feel uneasy about the whole thing. He tries messaging me again, but I leave him on read without actually bothering to glance at what he said.

I don't want to talk to him. I don't' want to look at him. I don't want to think about him.

Fuck that.

He's shit. He's such shit. I don't know why he won't leave me alone.

I wonder if my parents told his parents that I left. They're probably making me out to seem like such an out of control child. I don't want to think about the lies they're telling.

Finally, I find it in myself to glance over what he sent me.

" _Heard you ran away._ _"_

I can feel my blood begin to boil. That makes me sound like a fucking angsty thirteen year old.

" _I didn_ _'_ _t run away_ ," I type back furiously, " _I'_ _m nineteen. I moved out_."

The three dots appear in the chat and I can't help but wonder what kind of can of worms I just opened.

" _That_ _'_ _s not what Tsume told my mom_ ," he replies quickly.

" _Do you really believe them?_ _"_ I ask.

" _No._ _"_

No? Then why is he even talking to me?

" _I thought you could use someone to talk to_ ," Hiro adds a moment later.

" _I'_ _m fine, thanks_ ," I say, trying to convey my displeasure with brevity.

" _What happened?_ _"_ he pries.

" _I don_ _'_ _t want to talk about it._ _"_

" _Come on. Tell me. Stop being such a baby._ _"_

I grind my teeth at that. He's being a dick, but I guess I shouldn't expect anything less from him.

" _None of your business, so fuck off._ _"_

" _What_ _'_ _s with the cold shoulder? We were getting along so well last time we hung out._ _"_

I still want to cringe when I think about that day. I feel stupid for letting him into the house. I feel stupid for letting him into my head. He's always in my head. I hate it. I want him gone – gone from my head, my life, this damn world.

I don't want him to die. I just wish he'd stop existing… if that makes any sense.

" _My parents were just being jerks_ ," I finally tell him, hoping it will get him off my back, " _As per usual_."

" _What_ _'_ _d they do?_ _"_ he asks.

I don't really want to give him the details leading up to the blow out, but I guess I can tell him what the last straw was. Then at least he'll know that my parents have access to my messages and won't want to text me again.

" _They took my phone and ordered my message history_ ," I say after a moment.

Hiro's replies halt. The grey ellipses appear and then disappear again, like he's trying to think of what to say.

" _That_ _'_ _s lame of them_ ," he finally says.

" _I know_ ," I type back.

" _They shouldn_ _'_ _t be going through your things._ _"_

Then a pause.

" _They should respect your privacy._ _"_

His response surprises me. I thought he'd tell me to suck it up or stop being a baby. But he didn't. He said something I can actually agree with.

" _Yeah, they should have_ ," I type back. " _I don_ _'_ _t know why they didn_ _'t_."

" _They were probably worrying about you, so they decided to deal with it the wrong way._ _"_

" _Probably_ ," I agree, still surprised that he's seeing things my way.

" _You have a right to be mad_ ," he continues.

" _Well, hell yeah I do. That was a huge violation._ _"_

It WAS a huge violation. I want them to apologize for it, but I know they're not going to. They feel entitled when it comes to what happens in my life. They feel like they deserve to know everything. I'm not allowed to have secrets.

" _Anyway_ ," I continue when Hiro doesn't reply, " _I finally decided enough was enough so I moved out_."

I'm proud to say that I did it. It makes me feel strong and independent. My parents might be spreading lies about me to the family but in the end I don't really care. I don't want anything to do with them anyway. Naruto and I are doing fine here in our own and once I get my own job we'll be totally set for money. I don't need to be worrying about what the rest of my toxic household thinks.

" _Where are you staying?_ _"_

" _With a friend_ ," I say vaguely.

" _That_ _'_ _s good_ ," he approves, not pushing me to answer any further.

I don't want to ever be back with my parents. I don't think I could stand it unless they made some sort of miraculous change, but I don't think they will. I don't think they CAN. They are incapable of admitting they are wrong, which is why they are incapable of apologizing.

I wish it wasn't this way. I wish I could have more faith in my parents, but I don't. If I did it would only lead to an inevitable disappointment and I've been disappointed far too many times lately. I'm sick of it. I don't want the cycle to repeat over and over and over again.

I'm out now and I'm staying out.

I wonder if they will ever try to contact me. Maybe they will, maybe they won't. Maybe they will just wait for me to make the first move and say I was wrong.

Fuck that.

There's a tap at my door followed by Naruto's voice.

"Kiba, dinner is ready."

He opens the door a little and I quickly close my laptop without bothering to say goodbye to Hiro.

Naruto looks startled by my sudden movement and quirks an eyebrow at me.

"What are you doing?" he asks slyly.

"Nothing," I retort.

He rolls his eyes. "Dinner is done if you're ready to stop being a jerk."

I don't really want to justify that with a response, but I also don't want to start a fight.

"Sorry," I murmur somewhat indignantly, "I wasn't meaning to be a jerk."

I hate apologizing. It makes me feel like a stupid kid.

"It's fine," he waves dismissively, "Let's not let the food get cold.

I get up and follow him out of the room. I feel like such a kid right now – a kid with poor impulse control.

"Kiba was watching porn," Naruto announces to Sasuke once we reach the kitchen. Sasuke raises an eyebrow at me.

"No, I wasn't!" I growl.

Naruto starts laughing like he doesn't believe me. It pisses me off, but I force myself to let it go.

I sit down with Sasuke and Naruto pulls up a stool since the little table only has two chairs. He serves us, asking what we want to drink. He's really playing the host tonight. When we're all settled, he joins us. He made a pretty nice looking meal.

"S'good," I say after taking the first bite.

"Yes, it is good," Sasuke says, sounding somewhat surprised by that. I guess he didn't believe Naruto was as capable as he said. Plus, Sasuke is probably used to fine dining all the time when he's home, being the little rich boy he is.

I try to hold my tongue through dinner. Akamaru's lying on my feet and it helps remind me to play nice. Sasuke doesn't say much more either, so there's nothing really for me to respond to.

Naruto fills up the silence with chatter about his plans for the apartment—a couch here, a television there, how he wants stop by the furniture store next month. Sasuke nods along dully. He doesn't seem engaged but he's being polite. On the other hand, he's completely ignoring me.

I wonder if he's mad at Naruto. He doesn't seem to be. I guess that's good—that wasn't really my intention.

I still can't believe they're friends. It's too fucking weird for me to handle.

After the quiet and awkward dinner, Sasuke announces his departure. We follow him to the door as he slips into his shoes.

"Sorry," Naruto apologizes somewhat offhandedly. He doesn't specify why he's apologizing, but I think we all know the reason for it.

"We can talk about that later," Sasuke responds flatly, glancing briefly towards me. I guess he doesn't want to talk while I'm around. Not that I really give a fuck about what he has to say.

"All right," Naruto relents in a mumble.

"Don't worry," Sasuke adds, probably sensing his distress.

"Well, I can't help it… I hate when people are mad at me."

"I'm not mad," Sasuke insists, though he sounds like he is.

"Look, I like you and I'm sorry I fucked up," Naruto says and it makes me want to roll his eyes. He hates when people are mad at him. He wants a quick fix, but Sasuke isn't going to give it to him.

Sasuke sighs, beginning to look a little heated. "We can talk about it LATER."

"Fine, okay."

"Should I leave you two alone or do you wanna get a room?" I cut in, unable to help myself.

Naruto scoffs at me, but doesn't dignify the comment with a response. Neither does Sasuke.

Naruto offers to drive him home, but Sasuke says he'll walk. The walk isn't exactly short, so it makes me assume he is definitely more than a little peeved.

When he's gone, Naruto shuts the door behind him and then turns to me. "Dude, what the fuck is your issue?"

"What?" I ask indignantly, although it's pretty obvious what he's referring to.

"Why'd you have to be such a dick to Sasuke?" he spits out as he walks past me and into the kitchen.

"He and I are not friends. None of us are," I retort, "He's just all of a sudden decided he doesn't hate you so I have to be nice to him? How is that fair?"

Naruto starts cleaning up the dishes from dinner, I feel like I should help since he's the one who cooked all the food but I'm too busy standing my ground.

"I've NEVER seen you act like that towards anyone!" He shoves several pans into the sink with a loud clatter.

"Well, clearly you haven't been paying that much attention," I retort. It's a lie, though. He's right. I made Sasuke my special target today. I don't even know why. "I act this way a lot."

"I pay attention, you lying asshole," he insists sharply. "What's your problem with Sasuke?"

"I don't have a problem," I say simply.

Jeez, I can't stop lying. I feel like I'm digging a hole.

"Yeah, you clearly do!" he shouts, turning around to me.

It feels like we're having some sort of domestic dispute. It's so pathetic.

"Stop shouting, for fuck's sake," I respond. "Want me to leave?"

He lets out a breath. "No, dickwad. I just want you to be honest with me and tell me why you're acting like such a jerk. It's not like you."

"Yes, it is," I insist. "This is exactly the kind of person I am."

Naruto's mouth clamps shut. He looks kind of hurt. "Okay, fine," he says after a moment, turning back to the dishes, "I guess I thought I knew you better."

Ugh. I hate this kind of treatment. It reminds me of my parents.

" _Kiba, this is unlike you._ _"_

" _Kiba, are you sure you want to do that?_ _"_

" _Kiba, I expected more of you._ _"_

I don't know why anyone expects anything from me honestly. How do they know who 'me' is? I don't even know who that guy is. I'm too busy fucking suppressing everything.

"Whatever!" I finally spit back at him, turning and leaving the kitchen.

I head to my room, angrily flopping onto the bed before remembering that now that I don't live at home I'm allowed to close my door when I'm pissed off.

I backtrack, slamming the door hard. It's childish but I don't give a fuck. Then I lock it. God, I didn't think I'd ever know what that felt like.

When that's all said and done, I grab my laptop and sit on my bed. As soon as I open it, I remember that I was talking to my cousin. Then I remember that I forgot to say bye.

"Shit," I murmur to myself, scrolling through the messages he left. There is a bunch. They start off normal, but then they get angry. It makes me feel like I'm going to suffocate.

He's possessive. I don't even know why. It is creepy. It rubs me the wrong way. More than that, it flat out scares me.

I respond back simply telling him to calm down. He's offline, but as soon as I click send, his status changes to online. It makes me wonder if he's been sitting around waiting for me to get online so he can freak the fuck out at me.

A second later, a box pops up on my screen telling me that Hiro is calling. I stare at it blankly, unsure of what to do.

I let it ring through and then write to Hiro, " _Did you mean to call me?_ _"_

" _Yes, pick up_ ," he replies almost immediately.

The box reappears and again I don't know whether or not to accept. I really don't want to talk over something like video chat. It's hard enough just to type things out to him.

Finally, I hit 'answer.' I don't know what else to do. There doesn't seem to be another option.

A box pops up with his face in it. He looks peeved.

" _Give it access to your webcam_ ," he scoffs, " _I can_ _'_ _t see you._ _"_

I anxiously press the 'accept' button and watch as a little square of myself appear in the corner.

"What?" I ask nervously, staring at myself instead of him.

" _I just want to talk to you_ ," he says simply.

Talk to me? Why? About what? I don't get why he won't just quit it. I want him to go away, but I can't seem to tell him to fuck off for good. He always finds his way back somehow.

"Why?" I ask him. "Look, I didn't mean to ditch you. My roommate made dinner, so we were eating."

" _Okay_ ," he replies, not looking like he's too bothered. It surprises me. I expected him to be really pissed off. " _What did you eat?_ _"_

"He made chicken," I tell him.

The conversation feels totally unnecessary. I want to ask him what he wants, but at the same time I don't really want to know.

I stare back at him, not saying anything further. I'm fucking tired. I just want to be left alone.

" _You seem frustrated_ ," Hiro says after a moment, " _What_ _'_ _s wrong?_ _"_

It's partially him, but it's partially Naruto too I guess. I'm still so fucking peeved about Sasuke. I wouldn't be mad if I never had to deal with him again.

"Uch," I groan, "My roommate and I got into an argument. It's fine."

" _Oh,_ _"_ Hiro says knowingly, " _About_ _…?"_

"Some boy," I reply offhandedly. I don't know why I'm telling him, but I want to vent and can't really help myself.

Hiro gives me a surprised look and I realize I should clarify.

"He's a guy we went to high school with," I explain. "He used to be a jerk but now him and my roommate are friends."

" _Are you jealous or something?_ _"_ Hiro wonders.

Gross. I'm definitely not and the fact that he's hinting at it is annoying.

"No, it's not like that…" I insist tersely. "It's complicated. I guess I just don't like him being around. I don't like people like him. He seems fake."

" _Fake?"_ Hiro pries.

I wrinkle my nose. I don't know how to explain. No matter what I say, I'll seem jealous… but I'm not.

"Yeah, he just rubs me the wrong way," I say vaguely. "I don't know how Naruto can be so forgiving."

" _Naruto?"_

"He's my roommate," I specify. "I think he just wants everyone to love him."

" _Well, that isn_ _'_ _t realistic,_ _"_ Hiro says.

"I know," I agree. "It drives him nuts when people are mad at him. It's so dumb."

" _That is dumb_ ," he looks contemplative. " _He needs to grow up and realize that he can_ _'_ _t make everyone happy._ _"_

I nod my head. "It's fucking annoying."

" _It_ _'_ _s something you need to work on the opposite of though_ ," he adds suddenly.

I stare at him through the screen. I don't really know what to say to that.

"What?" I bark at him.

" _You shouldn_ _'_ _t be so temperamental about things like that_ ," he continues. " _It_ _'_ _s not important and your roommate wanting to make everyone happy is pretty irrelevant to you._ _"_

"It's not irrelevant to me," I explain to him. "It's not irrelevant if I have to deal with shitty people because of it."

" _It is_ ," Hiro insists. " _You don_ _'_ _t have to get so worked up over it—but you always do. You always get so worked up over every little thing._ _"_

"Are you fucking kidding?" I growl.

" _No_ ," he says. " _See, you_ _'_ _re doing it right now. You_ _'_ _re getting angry._ _"_

I open my mouth to argue, but then I pause. Is he right? I know I have some temper problems, but I really hate the thought of him being right – especially about me. I don't want him to know anything about me – ever – but it feels like he knows me more intimately than anyone ever has or will. I don't like that feeling.

"Don't even pretend you know SHIT about me!" I snap before closing the conversation to ensure I had the last word. With that, I slam my laptop shut.

My jaw tightens and I begin to grind my teeth.

Gross.

I feel gross.

Akamaru whimpers on my lap and I pet him, trying to calm myself down.

There's a firm knock at my door.

"What?" I call.

"Are you okay?" comes Naruto's voice from out in the hallway. "Who are you yelling at?"

Of course I got so worked up that I forgot to keep my volume down. I guess it's not surprising. God, I feel so listless.

I stand up and walk over to the door, turning the little lock in the handle and then opening it to see Naruto standing a couple feet back.

"My shit cousin," I say flatly.

I don't know why I tell him. A few months ago I would have just said it was my parents—I'm sure of it.

I guess I feel obligated to. Now is a better time than ever.

"Your cousin?" he asks. "I didn't know you had cousins."

"Of course I do, idiot." I roll my eyes, stepping back so that he has space to come into my room.

He smiles somewhat wearily at me as he steps inside. "Tone it down, bud. I'm not here to get mad at you." He pauses and then asks, "So, are you okay? What was your cousin saying?"

I shrug. "He was just acting all high and mighty and telling me I need to calm down and stop getting to pissed off at everything."

"Well, he's kind of right," Naruto murmurs

I want to shove him. The thought of Hiro being right is bad enough – but Naruto agreeing with something he says basically proves it.

"Whatever," I bite out.

"Yah know I'm right," he says. "You were acting like an ass today. Want to talk about why?"

He sits on the edge of my bed and I can tell he's not going anywhere. I breathe out and say, "No."

Naruto stares at me expectantly. I don't know what he expects me to tell him. I don't even know why Sasuke pisses me off so badly.

"Is it really just that he used to be mean?" he asks, not taking his eyes off of me, "Because if that's it—he's really different with me now. Besides, he was never that much of a jerk. Just standoffish."

I shrug. I really don't want him to start guessing.

"Sasuke's my friend now," Naruto continues, "So you don't have to be all protective or whatever's going on."

I'm not being protective. I don't know what I'm being.

"It's just hard for me when you like—when you like compare us," I finally spit out.

He tilts his head to the side, staring at me where I'm standing. His gaze feels critical, like he's trying to figure me out. I don't like when people try to figure me out. It leads to assumptions. I don't like assumptions.

"Why?" he asks. "You can't deny that you have things in common with him."

I scoff, but I don't reply.

"Is that the part that bothers you?" he ventures.

"Yes," I bite. "And before you ask, I don't know why it bothers me. It just does. I don't like him and I don't want to be like him."

"All right," Naruto murmurs. "I'll stop saying it, then. As long as you stop acting like a jerk to him."

I finally sit down next to him, staring down at the floor. "Fine."

"You should apologize."

I snort. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves."

I chuckles briefly. When he sobers he asks, "So, do you see yourself in him? Is that why don't you like him? Do you not like yourself?"

"Naruto, that's way too many heavy questions," I say.

"Well, how about just one?" he pushes, and before I can protest he adds, "So, do you not like yourself?"

I blink. I mean, no, obviously not. What kind of a question is that anyway?

"I don't know," I say instead, and Naruto gives me a sympathetic look.

"What do you mean you 'don't know'?"

"I mean: I don't know," I repeat firmly. "What else do you want me to say?"

"Okay…" Naruto pauses, he looks like he's trying to figure out another way to approach this. "What do you not like about Sasuke?"

That's a little easier.

"He's so fucking severe all the time," I answer quickly, "But I don't feel like it's real. It's just a stupid front he puts up to seem tough. He's so good at it though and everyone buys right into it."

Naruto tilts his head, "Why that does make you so mad?"

"I just hate that everyone's fooled by it," I insist.

Naruto shakes his head. "I don't think that's why."

"Why then?"

He stares at me quietly for a moment, obviously choosing his words carefully. "You're going to hate this," he says after a minute. It sounds like a warning.

"Just fucking say it." I snap.

Naruto shrugs, "I think it makes you mad because he's better at it than you."

I'm taken aback. Really taken aback. For a while, I can't bring myself to even respond to what he just said. I'm angry. I stare intently at the floor, unable to even glance at Naruto. It makes me feel ashamed and I barely know why.

"You're right," I finally say. "I hated hearing that."

"I felt like I had to say it," Naruto replies.

"So, that's what you think of me?" I wonder.

"Well, isn't it what you think of yourself?" he retorts.

And, honestly, I don't fucking know anymore. Maybe it is. Maybe I'm jealous of Sasuke. I'm jealous of his ability to pretend. Maybe I used to be good at pretending, but now I'm not. I lose my shit constantly. It takes every fibre of my being to stop from impulsively reacting to everything and sometimes I just can't do it. In the end, it just makes me tired and bitter.

"That's not true," I murmur. My voice sounds so meek.

"I think you're lying," Naruto notices.

I close my eyes. I feel anxious and trapped, like a caged animal. "Maybe I'm not," I argue weakly.

"Could you not?" he replies, his voice harsh. "Kiba, I know you and I'm not an idiot."

This feels horrible. I hate being called out more than anything and this takes the fucking cake.

"What makes him so much better at it?" I ask quietly.

Naruto gives me a frustrated look, "I don't know. I literally don't know. You don't tell me anything."

And I probably never will. I honestly can't. There's no setting it'd be appropriate in—no way I could look him in the eye and explain why I am how I am.

"Seriously," Naruto continues, "I feel like I learned more about Sasuke in three weeks than I have about you the whole time we've been friends."

That annoys me, but I don't really know what to do to change that fact. Sure, I could open myself up and let him explore my guts… but do I really want that? It seems too difficult. Part of me does want to, but the other part of me doesn't and the part of me that doesn't is way louder.

I let out a breath and say, "Sorry you feel that way."

Naruto scoffs and stands up. "Whatever. I give up." He moves towards the door and mutters, "Goodnight," before leaving me alone.

God, this feels shitty.

I sit still for many long minutes. I feel like I'm paralyzed. I want to cry, but I don't. I just sit here and I feel like I'm floating away.


	15. Chapter 15: Sasuke

**Sasuke's POV**

I'm glad it stays light for so long in the summer because getting home from Naruto's apartment is taking longer than I expected it to.

Everything about that whole experience was odd. Running into them at the mall and actually agreeing to hang out—normally I would have said no right off the bat. Naruto cooking me dinner—who knew he knew his way around a kitchen. Kiba being a complete asshole—god, I had no idea how much of an asshole he could be.

I'm pretty peeved at Naruto for telling Kiba about what happened at the bar. I have no idea what details were actually shared, but Kiba made it clear that he knew something.

I hope Naruto didn't tell him any of the details. I don't want him knowing I was crying. I don't even want Naruto knowing that, but I can't change the fact that he saw it happen.

When Kiba isn't around, we'll talk it over. I'll ask Naruto what he said to him. Hopefully it won't be anything major, but if it is, I guess we'll have to deal. I guess that's how it is with best friends – they talk. I wouldn't really know what that's like. I don't think I have a best friend like that. I have Karin, but we don't gossip together the way most close friends do.

I'm trying not to be angry and maybe I'm not angry, but I am annoyed. It doesn't make me want to tell Naruto anything else any time soon, that is for damn sure. He'll have to work for it.

I think I'm mostly annoyed because I like Naruto. I don't want him to do stupid things that will cause my opinion of him to become skewed.

When Kiba left to go sulk in his room Naruto started apologizing profusely. I guess that's not surprising. It's kind of the way he is. He hates feeling like he fucked up.

I got a little snappy with him at first before realizing it wasn't really worth it. I didn't feel up for a fight—not that he would have put up much of one. He seemed pretty sorry.

I told him it was fine and that we could shelve it for right now. I meant it. We will be talking about it later whether he likes it or not.

First of all I want to ask what kind of beef Kiba has with me. I've never done anything to him. We've barely even talked. The whole interaction makes me feel like people have been telling him bad things about me, although I don't know what they possibly could be.

Second of all I need to put him in his place and tell him that if he ever shares private information about me again I will literally never speak to him for as long as I live.

I feel like that should do the trick. He tried hard to get to know me and he finally succeeded… slightly. I doubt he wants to throw that away.

Soon enough, I arrive on my street. I head up a few houses until I'm in front of ours. I'm not really looking forward to being back, but whatever. I head inside, not bothering to announce my arrival. Kicking my shoes off, I head straight upstairs to my bedroom.

After a couple minutes, Itachi finds me.

"Little brother," he says.

"What?" I murmur.

"Father feels bad."

"Good," I say moodily, though I doubt it's true.

Honestly, he should feel bad. What kind of father hits his son?

"You should forgive him," Itachi says.

"I will when he apologizes," I respond simply.

Itachi nods. He seems understanding of the whole situation. He's tried his best to be supportive while still stayed removed enough to not get swallowed by it.

"How have you been?" He moves across the room towards my bed and sits down next to me.

"Better," I say truthfully. I have been feeling better. Being home is awkward and shitty but I've been going out a little bit more rather than just holing up in my room.

"What did you do today?" he asks, noting that I've been out since the early afternoon.

"I walked to the mall," I tell him, "I didn't buy anything but I ran into some people I go to school with. They invited me over to dinner so I went to their apartment."

"That's nice—your friends?"

"Sort of," I admit. "One of them more than the other."

"That's nice," he says. "It's good to see you going out with people instead of staying in your room."

"I hate being here," I admit quietly.

He nods again, understandingly. "I know," he murmurs, "but it won't always be this way."

"How do you know?" I wonder.

"Because you'll grow up," he explains simply. "You'll start your own life. You'll get a job. You'll move out. You'll get married. You'll have kids. You will forget about this moment because it won't seem so important."

I want to believe him, but it seems so improbable. I feel like I will never fully recover. I feel like I'll always hate this moment in my life. I feel like I'll always dwell because of what lead to it. I feel like that night ruined my life. I'd try not to let it, but I can't find the motivation for it. I can't help but wonder what Itachi would say if he knew the entire truth. Would he still tell me, with confidence, that I could move on?

"Thanks," is all I say. I muster a meek smile.

"Of course." He smiles back, putting a hand on my shoulder. "I will tell dad he needs to apologize to you directly."

"He never will," I reply, disheartened.

"Mom is on your side," he informs me.

"I know," I nod, "But it won't be enough."

Itachi tilts his head to the side and looks at me, but doesn't say anything more. He stands up and leaves the room. I wonder if he's going to talk to dad right now.

It feels weird to have him try and play messenger for us. I know he just wants things to go back to normal and I appreciate the sentiment, but I doubt that will ever happen.

I can't really imagine it at this point. Things have been dragging on for far too long. It's upsetting and it's weighing me down a bit, but I suppose I should try to let it go. I'm bad at letting things go, though. I am good at dwelling. On everything.

I still think about what would happen if I never got drunk that night. I still continuously wish I could travel back in time and undo that night. I still wish I could kill the person who did it, whoever the hell he may be.

I want to be okay. I want to be normal – the way I used to be. I wish I could bring myself to at least be half of the person I was, but I can't. I feel like that person died and was replaced by some shitty carbon copy that can barely function properly.

I roll over onto my bed and pull my phone out of my sweatshirt pocket. I have a text message from Naruto.

" _Hey. I feel bad about tonight. Can we talk soon?_ _"_

For a second I contemplate letting him sweat it for a little while, but end up deciding that would be too mean and text him back.

" _Want to get coffee on Thursday?_ _"_

" _Sure!"_ he texts back almost immediately.

" _You_ _'_ _re buying,_ _"_ I type out, " _Consider it retribution_."

He sends me the little prayer hand emoji followed by crying face. Good. He should feel bad.

" _Don_ _'t bring Kiba.."_ I add as an afterthought.

" _I won_ _'t_ ," he replies, " _I talked to him_."

" _Good. I_ _'_ _ll see you Thursday. Goodnight. Thanks again for dinner._ _"_ I send him in a string of messages, then set my phone on my bedside table. It buzzes again but I don't bother picking up because I'm too tired.

.

.

When Thursday rolls around, I spend the morning in bed. I sleep until Naruto messages me saying he's going to pick me up. I respond telling him to let me know when he's outside, then I set my phone back down. I roll over and stare up at the ceiling aimlessly.

My dad still hasn't said a word to me. I don't know if Itachi tried to mull things over between us, but if he did it certainly didn't work.

When I finally pull myself out of bed, I don't bother changing out of the clothes I slept in. I pocket my phone and go downstairs to make toast and force down a glass of water.

My parents and Itachi are already gone. I feel like, these days, I tend to stay in bed until I know they've left. I feel so skittish when they're around. I hate seeing them. My mom always looks sympathetic and my dad always looks angry. I don't feel at home in my own house anymore.

Soon enough my pocket starts to buzz. I take my phone out and see a text from Naruto telling me to come out.

I walk outside and see his car in my driveway. He waves to me from the driver's seat as I close the front door behind me.

I climb in on the passenger's side and nod hello.

"How's it going?" he asks, turning the key in the ignition.

"Fine," I reply him vaguely. He's going to have to work for it if he wants to talk about anything real anytime soon.

"I'm glad we're doing this," he tells me as he pulls out of the driveway, "I didn't know if you'd want to hang out again after last time."

"That wasn't your fault," I say, because it wasn't. Naruto didn't do anything wrong. He didn't have any part in Kiba deciding to be a huge jerk.

"I guess I feel partly responsible," he admits. "Not because of Kiba acting like a jackass, but mostly because I should try harder to keep my mouth shut."

"Well, yeah, you should," I agree. "What else did you tell him about me?"

He wrinkles his nose. "I didn't say anything too huge… Uh, I told him you're gay."

I scoff in disbelief. "I wouldn't exactly put it past him to start sharing that to anyone who will listen."

"Will you ever come out?"

I shrug, even though he can't really see it since he's driving. "Maybe I will when I'm in a relationship I actually see going somewhere… but until then, probably not. It's too difficult. It would only cause problems."

Naruto looks guilty. He probably didn't think this whole mess through when he ran around sharing my personal information.

"I still don't really know if I'm gay or not," Naruto admits. He sounds really distraught. Enough so that I feel kind of bad for him.

"I mean, you probably are," I reply, "If you liked hooking up with Kiba."

"I don't know if I feel like that's enough," he explains, "I mean, I just like having sex. I don't want to date him. He won't even talk to me about it at all."

"Are you two still going at it?" I ask. I'm legitimately surprised. It didn't seem like the type of thing that would be ongoing.

"Yeah—I mean, kind of," he says as he pulls into a parking spot in front of the cafe, "It's weird."

"Yeah, that is weird," I respond.

I never thought they'd screw. Apart from the fact that they're both stereotypical jocks, I just didn't think they'd be one another's type. Then again, maybe it isn't that. Maybe Naruto is so horny he doesn't care who he's doing it with.

"Is Kiba your type?" I wonder aloud, voicing my thought.

"Not really," he says, confirming my previous assumption. It makes me want to roll my eyes, but I refrain. "It sounds bad, but I feel like we just mess around because it's convenient."

"Well, as long as you both feel that way then it probably doesn't matter," I reply, adding my own two cents.

I can't help but wonder what kind of guy he would go for, but I don't know if I want to ask him.

"I just feel like once I'm romantically attracted to another guy I'll know for sure, you know? Or if I sleep with another girl and it's not as fun."

I nod in agreement as I unbuckle my seatbelt and climb out of the car. "Are you going to hook up with another girl?" I wonder.

"I talked with Kiba a little bit about that." He walks around the side of the car and meets me on the sidewalk. "I don't think I could go through with it right now."

"No?" I ask.

Naruto holds the cafe door open for me. "Nah, it seems like a lot of work. It's fine with Kiba. It's fun."

I walk past him but don't respond. I'm not really sure what to say. I feel like Naruto's talking himself in circles. If he really wants to figure out if he's into guys then he's going to need to do some soul-searching.

"Besides, he literally lives three feet from my bedroom," he continues with a light laugh.

When we are at the cash, we take a moment to scan the menu. Naruto orders coffee and a green tea on my behalf. We wait for a few minutes and when we have our drinks in hand we sit in the corner of the café.

"So, you're not worried it will complicate things if you sleep with your roommate?" I wonder. "I'd be worried about doing a thing like that."

He wrinkles his nose and shrugs. "I thought it would be weird, but it's not. It all feels pretty normal."

"Well, maybe it feels that way, but maybe it's not," I say, giving him something to think about. "Maybe that's why Kiba was being such an ass. Maybe he wanted your attention."

Naruto chuckles at that. "I don't think so. We kind of spoke about it. That didn't seem to be the issue. I definitely don't think he's into me like that."

"You sure?"

"Well… yeah."

"You might want to double check," I advise him.

"Maybe," Naruto agrees, but he doesn't sound like he has any intention on doing that. I guess I can understand why it would be hard. It'd be a tense conversation especially if they're not on the same page and maybe Naruto doesn't want to open up that can of worms. "I'm so sorry about how awkward it was when you came over," he says, changing the subject, "That won't happen again, I promise."

"It's fine…" I mumble, sipping on my tea. "I guess I just don't understand why you felt the need to tell him that stuff."

"I don't know," he confesses, "I guess it felt appropriate. Since we're all kind of having the same experience. Solidarity, or whatever."

"We're not having the same experience," I correct him, "Kiba doesn't know that I know you two are fucking. What's there to keep him from spreading the fact that I like guys around?"

Naruto looks contemplative. "I guess you could tell him you know," he finally says.

"You do that."

He looks down into his coffee. I can tell that he really doesn't want to have that talk with Kiba, but that's just too damn bad. It would be for the best. Besides, it's not like Naruto told me. I just happened to find out.

"Ugh…" he mumbles. "Fine. I will."

"Let me know how it goes," I add.

"I will," he says again. "He's going to get mad…"

"Well, it isn't your fault," I reason. "He'll have to realize that at some point."

He shrugs his shoulders. "I think it's always easier when you can blame someone when shit goes wrong."

"I suppose so," I agree. "He seems like he has temper problems."

Naruto laughs at that. "Oh, he does."

"What does he think about me?" I pry.

Maybe I shouldn't ask, but I want to know. I want to know why he seems to hate me so much.

Naruto looks uncomfortable. "Nothing specific really."

Now that's a lie if I've ever heard one.

"Naruto, come on," I say insistently. "I think I can handle it."

He lets out a sigh. Ugh. It must be really bad.

"He just thinks like—" Naruto pauses, "He thinks you're fake, or something. Like with how you're so guarded."

I want to roll my eyes at that. Of course he's right. That's fucking annoying.

"He is, too," I retort. "Isn't that like his whole thing?"

"That's the problem," he explains. "He doesn't like that you're better than him at it. Kiba's always trying to act tough and then losing his shit over small things so nobody buys it. I think he's bitter that people believe you."

For a moment, I'm unsure what to say. It isn't quite the answer I expected.

"Oh," I say simply. "Well, clearly I can't be that good at it if you and him see through it."

"We never used to," he replies with a little laugh. "I mean, GOD, you were a good actor."

"And now I'm not?" I venture.

"It's not that," he adds. "It's mostly the fact that you let me in, so I saw parts of you I didn't ever even know existed… and I liked that. I liked seeing who you really are beneath all the masks you like wearing." He pauses and shrugs once more. "I mean, you're really good at keeping your cool. You slip up sometimes, but that's only natural. When you bottle things up, it takes a toll. But, look, even now… You're being so calm. Even the other night at my house, you were so damn calm. I expected you to get angry at Kiba, say something mean, but no. You didn't do any of that. You acted like the bigger person."

"I have no interest in fighting with him," I say simply.

"That's good," Naruto laughs, "It would be a mess if you did."

Probably. I think I would tear Kiba to shreds if I actually got into it with him. It wouldn't be hard and I can be pretty ruthless.

"I hope you'll keep hanging out with us," Naruto says, staring into his cup of coffee. "This has been nice."

I stare at him critically. Usually after someone spills information about me I don't want anything to do with them, but for whatever reason I still feel like Naruto is a good person to be friends with. Maybe it's who he told. Maybe it was his intention when he did it. I have no idea.

"Yeah, it has," I say after a moment, "I will."

Naruto lets out a quiet sigh of relief. God, he's so dramatic.

"So, how is the home situation?" he asks me, changing the tone of the conversation.

I let out a breath and say, "Not too great. Me and my dad aren't speaking at all. We haven't had words since all the fighting we did. My mom won't talk to me, either. She just gives me these sad looks. I know she feels upset by the whole thing, but I feel about ten times worse. Itachi keeps playing messenger, telling me Dad is sorry and shit, but if he is THAT sorry, then he can tell me himself."

"Yeah, that is more than fair," Naruto agrees.

"This is so stupid," I mutter.

"Well, you can always crash with me if you want to get away from home," Naruto invites.

"Thanks," I say. "I might take you up on that."

But probably only if things get extra shitty. I don't like to impose.

"You never really told me about like—how things ended up that way," Naruto mumbles, tapping the table with his fingers.

"Ended up what way?" I ask. "My parents?"

"No," he clarifies. "You know—why you tanked so hard last semester. I'm assuming first semester didn't go like this if your parents were holding you to such high standards."

I sigh through my nose. I guess it makes sense that he would ask that eventually. I'm pleased that karin still hasn't told him though. I really ought to thank her later for being so reliable.

"I know before we became friends you kind of told me that you had more important classes to worry about than our business class and I totally believed you," Naruto continues, "It's just…now it seems really unlikely that that was the case."

The familiar panicky lump begins rising in my throat. I swallow before it can settle. I probably look somewhat shaken, but I don't let it sway me. "Something unpleasant happened," I tell him vaguely. "I don't want to talk about it."

Naruto is frowning, but he nods and decides to leave it at that. "If you are ever ready to tell me… I'll listen. I mean, I might not get what you're going through, but I know what it's like to struggle. I know what it's like to lose people."

"Yeah," I murmur. "Thanks…"

"I heard my parents die," he tells me. "They told me to hide, so I did. I heard them struggling, shouting, then bam… I knew they were dead. I was paralyzed. I just stayed under my bed until a cop arrived and pulled me out."

"I'm sorry," I sympathize.

He nods his head. "It was years ago. I'm okay."

"You talk so openly," I notice.

"I think it's important," he explains. "It's too hard for me to keep everything bottled up all the time. I feel a lot better when I tell people how I'm feeling even if sometimes I end up "oversharing" or whatever. I don't really care what people think of me so I might as well be honest."

"I don't know if I could ever be like that." I reply, and I honestly don't. It seems impossible at this point. My whole identity is built on keeping people at arm's length.

"Maybe you could try?" Naruto offers shyly. "It might be easier than you think."

Naruto is so optimistic. I don't know how he manages it.

"Maybe." I force a smile, although I have no intention on actually following through. Anything to end the conversation.

After a somewhat lengthy pause, Naruto is the first to break the silence. "Are you dorming next year?" he asks me.

"I… don't know if I'm going back yet," I admit in a murmur.

He looks surprised at my confession. "You're gonna give up on school just because of some bad grades?"

"It wasn't just 'some bad grades,' Naruto," I argue. "It feels hopeless to continue at this point. My record is so tainted."

"Well, you had a rough few months… That doesn't mean you have to give up."

"I don't know," I admit. "Getting good grades was a huge part of my worth. Without it, everything feels… unimportant."

"That's really sad, man," he says with sympathy. "You're so much more than your grades."

"Tell that to my parents," I mutter bitterly.

The conversation wanes and Naruto looks contemplative. "It's just a huge bummer," he finally says. "It sucks so much that they're making you feel so bad about it that the world might end up being deprived of someone as smart as you."

I blink. It's been a while since someone has said something so nice to me.

"Thank you," I mumble sheepishly. "That's a little drastic. I don't really think the world is missing out on all that much."

"It totally is," Naruto retorts. "You wanted to be a lawyer, right?"

I nod.

He brings his hand to his chin and nods in return. "So what if there was some super important case you were supposed to take on down the road? And you were the only person who could find the missing piece of information to defend your client? Then that person would go to jail all because the lawyer they had wasn't you."

"Naruto," I interrupt, "You do realize that not all lawyers do courtroom cases, right?"

"You get the point," he snorts.

"Yeah," I murmur softly. "Yeah, I get it."

Honestly, hearing stuff like that tends to make me uncomfortable because I never know how to react. He's being too nice. I don't even deserve it. I don't know why he's being this nice. Maybe he's just like this with everyone. I guess this is why he's so popular. He's sincere and he's genuine. He doesn't hide himself away. Unlike me, he's not fake. He is willing to bare his soul. People like that are hard to come by.

He's staring at me, smiling slightly. "So, keep trying," he urges. "You'll still be able to make something of yourself, even with a few bad marks."

"All right," I respond simply.

"Proooomise?"

"We'll see."

His smile widens. "Okay, that's good enough for now."

It's weird. A few months ago I would have never considered doing this, but I'm actually enjoying spending my time with Naruto. He's a good person and I wish I would have given him the time of day sooner.

Maybe in high school he was so off putting to me specifically because he's such a good person. He's so open and everyone adores him. I guess it made me feel bad about myself and it made me feel a little better to be the only person who didn't like him. He was always trying to impress me and get on my good side.

Now all of that just seems like a waste of time.

Naruto finishes his coffee and glances over the table into my tea cup. "Do you want another?" he asks.

I shake my head. "I'm good."

I glance at him. I try not to make it obvious that I'm staring so intently. He doesn't seem to notice.

Maybe what I'm feeling isn't so simple. I can't really recall feeling anything like it before. Sure, I've felt attraction, but this is slightly different. It's new.

"What is it?" he asks suddenly.

I shake my head once more. "Nothing."

He smiles again. He's always smiling. "Want me to take you home?"

"Sure," I say.

We both get up, leaving the emptied cups behind and exiting the café. We head to his car and settle inside.

"We should do this again," Naruto suggests.

"Yeah, we should," I agree. "It was nice."

He glances at me, looking like he's almost surprised. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," I say.

He looks pleased. "Good. I wasn't sure. You're pretty hard to read sometimes."

As we climb into the car and Naruto drives me home, I can't help but side-eye him.

I don't know what I'm doing. I hope he doesn't notice. Fortunately, he seems really into the song playing from the radio station he just turned on, singing along to the lyrics quietly and bobbing his head a little. He looks like a total idiot.

Honestly, I kind of want to keep hanging out. I contemplate asking if we could go back to his place before deciding it might be too soon since the last time and I don't really want a repeat.

I'd invite him to my house if things weren't such a mess right now, but they are and not much can be done about that.

Soon enough, we are parked in front of my house.

"Hey, thanks for coming out with me today," Naruto says.

I nod my head. "Sure."

"Uh, do you maybe wanna chill again tomorrow or something?" he asks somewhat shyly.

"Yeah," I say. "I'd like that."

He looks relieved, almost like he thought I would say no. "Great!" he responds happily.

I smile a small smile and then bid him a, "See you then."

I stroll up my long driveway and unlock the doors, hoping the house will be empty as I step inside. I glance back to close the door and see that Naruto waited to make sure I got in. God, he is too nice.

I hold up a hand a wave at him. He waves back and then drives off.

As I wander through the house and up to my bedroom I can't help but think about how weird it is that I'm actually excited to be spending my time with Naruto. Karin would probably be thrilled.

I'm really glad he invited me out tomorrow because I never would have asked myself. I feel like propositioning someone to hang out too many days in a row gives them the faulty idea that you're willing to plan your life around them.

I wonder what Naruto has in mind for us to do. Hopefully something out and about because even though I general prefer to stay home, I'm not really looking for a repeat of last time I came for dinner.

It's weird as fuck to me that Kiba's holding any sort of idea of who or what I am. I really shouldn't be that surprised because I guess it's the air I put on, but I've never heard it verbalized that way before.

I am really good at hiding things. I'm really good at pretending I'm okay.

I enter my room and flop down on my bed, pulling out my phone and briefly contemplating texting Naruto to thank him again before deciding that would be overkill.

I set my phone down next to me and stare up at the ceiling, wondering what tomorrow will bring.

.

.

The following afternoon, Naruto texts me and asks if I'll be ready in an hour. I tell him I will and he says he'll message me when he's outside.

I shower and throw on a pair of jeans and a long-sleeved shirt. Hopefully it won't be too hot out today. I feel kind of okay, which says a lot considering how I've been feeling these days. I should probably make more plans with people and spend less time by myself. Too much isolation always tends to make things worse for me, but I can never bring myself to be around people. I feel like it takes so much effort.

Sometimes I wish I could just sit in silence with someone – someone who wants to be around me not necessarily because I'm good company, but just because they want to be with me nonetheless. We wouldn't even have to talk. We'd talk when we had something to say, but other than that we wouldn't need to. It wouldn't be awkward or anything. It would just feel comfortable… but I think most people tend to find silences uncomfortable. They'll scramble to try and find something to say when it gets too quiet. I've never felt the need to do that and maybe that's why some people find me so off-putting. I don't like to talk about the weather. I don't like to talk about things that don't really matter.

Not too long after I'm done getting dressed my phone pings with a message from Naruto saying he's outside. I head downstairs and out the front door, not bothering to say goodbye to my mother who is working from home today at the dining room table.

I see Naruto parked in the driveway and wave hello to him as I close the door behind me, heading for the passenger side door.

"Hey," I tell him as I slide into the car, reaching for the seatbelt and buckling myself in.

"How's it going?" he asks, giving me a big grin and putting the car in reverse, backing out of the driveway.

"I'm fine," I shrug, "Did you have a nice rest of your day after you dropped me off yesterday?"

Naruto nods, "I went back to the apartment and relaxed. Kiba and I dicked around and I showed him how to make pancakes."

"He didn't know how to make pancakes?" I ask, trying not to sound surprised.

"Nah," he shakes his head, "I don't think he's ever cooked in his life."

"Oh," I say. "That's surprising. Even I know how to cook things like that."

He chuckles. "Why do you say it like that?"

"Well, people consider me to be quite privileged," I admit. "I come from a family with a lot of money. People assume I have everything done for me and that I don't need to do anything."

Naruto wrinkles his nose. "Yeah, I dunno, man. Your family situation seems pretty sticky to me."

"I suppose it is," I agree.

"Think it will ever get better?" he wonders.

I let out a breath. "I'm not sure."

"Ah, we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," he adds quickly. "I know that kind of shit can be a doozy to think about too often."

"It's okay," I assure him. "If I was bothered, I'd tell you."

He snorts. "Yeah, I don't doubt that."

Usually that's the type of thing that would rub me the wrong way, but for some reason this time it doesn't. I let it roll off my back. I take it as a joke because that's how Naruto is.

"What's our plan for the day?" I ask instead.

"Well I have to go to the store," he tells me, "I'm running low on groceries and don't have anything to make dinner tonight."

Alright, I guess we'll be going back to his house then. That's not my favorite idea considering how it went last time, but I guess I can stick it out. If things get too awkward I can walk home again.

Then, as if he's reading my mind, Naruto side-eyes me. "Kiba's out for the day," he says.

"Okay," I relent. Part of me wants to ask where Kiba is, but I don't. It's not really my business and the larger part of me doesn't really care that much.

"I'll cook for you again," Naruto adds.

"That sounds nice," I say, trying to muster up sincerity but I'm not really good at it.

Naruto just smiles. Fuck, he really smiles a lot. Too much sometimes, but I guess that is a strange thing to say.

Soon enough, we pull into the parking lot of a grocery store and Naruto parks the car. "I'll try to be quick," he says as we step out of the car and head into the building. "I tend to waste a lot of time when I'm shopping," he adds with a snicker.

"It's fine," I tell him.

Naruto grabs a cart and I walk through the aisles beside him as he pulls generic brands of various items off the shelf: spaghetti, olives, black beans. The ingredients seem indiscriminate, and I can't help but wonder if he actually has any recipes in mind.

We make our way through the store and eventually pass by where they keep the candy and baking supplies. I try not to linger for long but can't help perusing the chocolate selection. We never eat it at home because my parents are against sweets. It's unhealthy or improper or something. I guess they think it reflects poorly on our family to indulge in that sort of thing.

After a moment I walk and catch up with Naruto, who's busy trying finding the cheapest type of flour to buy.

I stand next to him and eye the labels and prices.

Naruto is doing the same, but he pauses and then glances at me. "Do you have any preference?" he asks, gesturing to the array of different types of flour. "I know some people aren't into plain white flour and prefer whole wheat flour or oat flour or whatever the fuck else there is…"

Honestly I didn't even know that this many kinds of flour even existed, so I'm the last person he should be asking.

"I don't care," I tell him. "Choose whichever."

"Hm… Okay." He shrugs and decides to pick up plain, white flour. He sets the bag in the cart and then asks, "See anything you want?"

"No," I say.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure."

He glances back at the shelves and looks contemplative, like he's trying to decide what else he needs.

"Would you mind going and getting me some fruit?" he asks after a minute, turning back towards me, "I don't care what kind."

I nod and turn away, walking down the aisle and taking a right towards the produce department. I end up picking out a bunch of bananas and several apples. I try to find ones without any bruises which is kind of hard because they aren't in season right now, but eventually I find ones that are decent-looking and head back towards the baking section.

When I peek down the aisle I see that Naruto's moved on. I take a few minutes walking through the store before I finally find him in the check-out line.

I approach where he's standing, coming up behind him. "Hey," I say, setting the fruit down on the belt. "Here, hope these are fine."

"Hey," he echoes. "Thanks, these are perfect."

"Great."

The whole act feels so domestic – the kind of thing a child might do with their parents or the kind of thing a wife might do with her husband. I never really did this kind of thing with my parents, though. My mother does all the shopping and she never really took me or Itachi with her.

I move to the end of the cash as Naruto pays for everything. He's all smiles as he chatters politely with the cashier. He talks to everyone like they're his best friend, I swear.

I help him carry the bags as we walk out to the car. While I load things into the trunk he's sure to roll the cart to it's proper spot in the parking lot, and as I climb into the front seat he's quick to join me.

"My house?" he asks as if that weren't already the plan.

"Yeah, sounds good." I nod.

While we drive he chatters at me, listing off things he just bought that we could eat for dinner. Honestly I don't care what we eat; it'll probably be good either way.

He ends up settling on stir fry because it's easy and I said it sounded good. He's so accommodating I almost don't know what to do with myself.

When we get to his apartment building, I help him carry the bags back up to his place. He unlocks the door and we head inside.

"So, where's Kiba?" I ask.

"At Akamaru's training thing," he informs me.

I set the bags on the kitchen table, unbagging them and handing them to him to put away.

"Oh," I respond.

"Yeah, so he won't be around for a while," Naruto continues, giving me a wry little smile. He clearly knows I prefer it this way – especially after last time.

"He needs to get over himself," I murmur.

"Hopefully he will," Naruto says with a shrug. "Honestly, I worry about him sometimes."

"Yeah?" I pry. I don't really care that much, but if Naruto seems worried about it I don't mind listening a little bit.

He nods his head and then a crease forms in his brow as he wrinkles his nose. "He just… always has such extreme reactions to things. It's like, no matter what he feels, it's so intense and so out of whack."

"Well, that's why he has Akamaru, right?" I ask, "To calm him down when he gets like that?"

"Yeah," Naruto nods, "And I guess it helps. I don't really know, honestly. Shit with him has been so hardcore lately. I don't know if it's just because I see him all the time now so he can't hide it or if things are genuinely worse than they were before."

I don't really know what to say to that. To be honest I didn't really think much of Kiba until recently. He seemed annoying in high school so I avoided him and didn't pay close attention. Last time I came over was the first real conversation we had ever had.

"I just used to think like—" Naruto continues, staring up at the ceiling and letting out a sigh, "I thought he was stone cold, or whatever. Not like you, but in a different way. He would still get riled over shit like grades or people being jerks, but he never ever talked about himself."

"And now he does?" I wonder as we are nearly finished putting things away.

"More than he used to," he says. "Not much, but enough to make me worry about him. I feel like something fucked up is going on in his life, but he won't tell me. I mean, why does he need a service dog?"

"I'm sure he will tell you when he's ready to," I tell him.

Naruto scoffs slightly. "Yeah, I don't know about that, to be honest… and I don't want to keep prying about it. He's the kind of person who wants to deal with shit on his own. He doesn't like to be seen as vulnerable."

I can relate to that, but I don't say that. Instead, I simply respond with, "Oh. Sad."

"I like when he opens up to me," Naruto continues "He rips on me for being sappy and sentimental and whatever, but I don't care. I like to have meaningful conversations about this kind of shit with my friends. I want them to trust me like I trust them. I don't think it's a bad thing to be open and vulnerable."

I guess that's a nice way to look at things, but not everyone feels that way. There are people who would eat you alive if you were too vulnerable with them. You come off as weak and people will take advantage of that if you're not careful.

I don't say that to Naruto though. Instead I just nod. I don't really know how I would have a conversation with him about that sort of thing anyway. He would obviously disagree with me, but I think the only reason he gets away with being so open is because he genuinely doesn't care what anybody thinks about him. That mentality frankly just feels unobtainable for me. It's not how I was raised to be.

"Oh, by the way," Naruto says suddenly, reaching into the last grocery bag he's been unpacking, "I got something for you."

He pulls out a bag of gummy candies and sets them on the counter, pushing them towards me.

"You like these right? I saw you looking at them in the store." He smiles. "I wanted to surprise you!"

"Oh, wow." I mumble, unsure of what to say, "Thank you."

"You're welcome," he responds easily.

"That's really nice of you," I add. I want him to know I'm being sincere and that I'm grateful, though I don't really think my tone conveys it. My voice is always cold and stiff and harsh.

He just continues to smile. He fishes a large pan out of a bottom cupboard near the oven and sets it on the stovetop.

"Do you need any help?" I ask.

"Nah, sit back and relax," he says. "Do you want anything to drink? I've got orange juice, water…"

"Water is fine."

So, he gets me a glass. I nod my thanks, taking a sip.

Naruto is pretty independent. I'm kind of envious. It's hard to picture myself living out on my own this way.

While he chops vegetables for dinner I examine the bag of candy he bought me. They're little gummy sharks—a kind I haven't tried before. To be honest, I haven't tried most types of sweets.

I open them up and take one out. My mother would be so critical of me for eating something like this before dinner.

I pull the tail of the fish-like shape and squish it between my thumb and index finger. It's a nice blue color, probably from some type of awful food coloring that I should be wary of, but they are weirdly cute.

Finally, I eat it. I don't want to seem like I'm playing with my food. I feel a little guilty but it is delicious. Naruto glances up at me, smirking, and for a second I bring my hand up, needing to reaffirm for myself that I am indeed chewing with my mouth closed.

"What?" I ask him after swallowing.

"Nothing," he assures me, "You just seem like you're enjoying yourself."

I don't really know what he means by that, but I decide not to pry. "Oh, well…" I trail off. "I never get to eat candy."

Naruto snickers. "Yeah, I kinda guessed."

"My parents are strict," I explain. "Candy makes kids too hyper."

"Well, you're not really a kid anymore, so let loose a bit," he says.

"I try," I admit somewhat flatly.

But I guess that is kind of a lie. I don't really let loose anymore because of what tends to happen when I do. I don't want repeats of me getting drugged or getting kicked out of my parents' house. It's so embarrassing to think that Naruto seen me in such a state. I stare at his back as he cooks. He's really nice. Too nice. I know he's not judging me for any of it, but I still feel burdensome. I wish I could feel comfortable around people to a point where I wouldn't feel this way, but at least I can acknowledge the fact that Naruto isn't going to roast me over a fire just because he saw me cry. I think a lot of other people would. That sounds cynical, but I don't care.

Naruto finishes dinner after not too long and sets out two dishes for us on the dining table. I stash the bag of candy for later and take a seat, waiting for Naruto to bring utensils over.

"Careful, it's hot," he tells me as he hands me a fork, sitting down across from me.

"Thanks." I nod, looking down at the bowl in front of me. "It looks really good."

"I hope it is!" Naruto snorts, "This is my first time making it this way so don't feel shy about telling me if it's nasty. I won't make you eat it."

I let out a small laugh and poke my fork into a piece of tofu. It won't be bad. He knows it won't be bad.

When I take a bite, my assumption is confirmed.

"It's really good," I tell him.

He chuckles. "Okay, good!"

We eat in silence for a couple minutes until I feel him staring at me. I glance up and raise an eyebrow at him, silently asking him what he's doing.

"You're a dainty eater," he says with another laugh, half chewed food flying out of his mouth and back onto his plate.

I roll my eyes at him. "Well, you're not."

He swallows and then gives me a humoured look. "Does it bug yah? I know it bugs some people."

"I don't really care," I tell him.

I thought I would, but I don't really find any of the things he does off-putting.

"Good," he says again, nodding his head. "I don't know if you could tolerate me for much longer if that kind of stuff was starting to get on your nerves."

It's weirdly backhanded. I can't tell if he's saying I'm too tightly wound or if he's putting himself down. Probably neither, because it's Naruto. He's probably just telling the truth.

Last year this sort of behavior probably would have pissed me off. It used to drive me crazy when Suigetsu would leave things a mess. He was so unapologetic about it though, almost like he did it just because he knew it would upset me.

As I'm finishing up my food, Naruto stands to dish himself another bowl.

While he stands at the stove, I hear the front door unlock. A second later, Kiba walks in with his dog at his side. Akamaru is sporting a brightly colored red vest that has "service dog" written on it in bold letters.

When Kiba sees me sitting at the table he scoffs and rolls his eyes, clearly annoyed. He doesn't say anything though, he just bends down and unbuckles Akamaru's vest, slipping it off of his little white paws.

Immediately, Akamaru bounds over, nuzzling his snout through the arm of the chair and onto my lap.

This appears to annoy Kiba. He hovers in the doorway, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed as he stares at his dog.

"Can I pet him?" I ask, wanting to be sure it's okay.

"Fine," Kiba mumbles. He's probably trying hard not to act like an ass.

"He's getting big," I comment.

"Yeah," is all Kiba responds with. His voice is terse.

I want to flat-out ask him why he doesn't like me just to hear what he'd say to it, but I decide not to. I don't want to make things uncomfortable.

"Man, he sure likes you!" Naruto comments.

"I wonder why," I say, genuinely curious. He doesn't act like this towards Naruto. The whole thing is kind of weird.

"I asked today," Kiba butts in, arms still crossed.

"Oh?" I ask, trying my best to sound polite as I tousle Akamaru's fur.

Kiba nods. "He's a comfort dog, so apparently when he's not directly working with me it's hard for him to resist going up to other people who are emotionally distraught." He pauses, making intense eye contact with me. "So, what the hell are you so upset about?"

I blink. "I'm not upset," I say quickly. "I'm fine."

Kiba shrugs suggestively, essentially saying he doesn't believe me.

I don't know what the fuck to say to him. He's obviously being antagonistic. I glance over to Naruto who looks annoyed.

"Do I look 'emotionally distraught' to you?" I shoot back at Kiba.

"I don't know," he sneers. "What does being 'emotionally distraught' look like?"

"Not like this," I say, pointing to my face. "I'm absolutely fine."

"Ha!" Kiba scoffs loudly at that. "You look dead on the inside. You've been that way for months."

"Okay, Kiba, that's enough –" Naruto tries to ease the tension, but we both ignore him.

I stand up and turn to face Kiba better. "There's no way you can know a thing like that."

"Well, Naruto sure whines about it enough," he mutters. " _I hope Sasuke is okay, wah wah wah_ …"

I glance at Naruto, who looks a little sheepish and uncomfortable.

"Plus," Kiba continues, getting in my face about it, "this just confirms it. If you weren't screwed up, I doubt Akamaru would approach you like this."

Before I can help it, I raise my hands and shove him away. "It's none of your fucking business!"

Kiba lurches backwards a bit but doesn't really move. He looks surprised and then angry, not hesitating even a second before ramming his palm into my chest.

"What the fuck is your problem?" he spits as I stumble and try to find my balance.

It's obvious he didn't push me with all of his strength, which is good because I probably would have toppled over the dining table chair.

"What's YOUR problem!?" I shout in response, but take a step back. I really don't want him to deck me. He'd probably knock me out.

Kiba lets out a strained laugh when he sees me inching away, bringing a hand up to his forehead and pushing back his messy bangs. "God, you really are so full of shit!"

Akamaru barks, rubbing his head against Kiba's legs and pawing at his feet.

"Whatever!" I retort, lifting a hand to point at Akamaru, "Why don't you listen to your dog? You're the one who needs him, not me!"

"Clearly he thinks YOU'RE the one in need!" Kiba argues, jabbing a finger at me. "If he didn't, he'd leave you alone, but he doesn't. He can't."

Our voices keep getting louder and louder until we're full on hollering at one another. He backs me into the wall. I think he's trying to be threatening. I'm not really scared of him, I just don't want him to hit me. Akamaru keeps pawing at his legs, trying to get him to stop.

"ME?" I shout with a callous laugh. "Fucking look at him!" I gesture at his dog once again. "It looks like he wants you to calm the fuck down. So, why don't you do just what your puppy is telling you to do?"

Kiba's jaw tightens.

"Oh my god, both of you just SHUT UP!" Naruto shouts from the other side of the room.

We both stop, glancing over to Naruto who looks like he's about to take us both out. I'm startled and I can tell Kiba is too because Naruto never yells. He's so laid back it's almost impossible to rile him up like this.

"Stop. Screaming." He is calm but firm, sounding more like his usual self.

Kiba scoffs and turns away from me, heading towards his room. "Come on, Akamaru," he says, and Akamaru follows suit.

As soon as Kiba's bedroom door shuts, Naruto walks over to me.

"I'm sorry," I say quickly, although I don't feel bad for what I said to Kiba. I'm just sorry Naruto had to be there.

Naruto closes his eyes and starts rubbing his temples. "Fuck's sake…" he mutters in a groan.

I feel uncomfortable. He's quiet for a while. I continue to stare at him. He palms his forehead and opens his eyes a moment later, staring back at me. I feel like I should say something, but I don't know what to say. I feel like I should apologize, but I already did that.

"I'm… going to leave," I say.

He sighs and rolls his eyes, letting his hands fall to his sides. "Don't leave. Let's talk."

"About what?" I ask.

He shrugs. "Anything." A pause. "Go into the living room and sit. I'll be there in a minute. I'm going to grab a beer. Want one?"

"Ugh, yes," I relent, letting out a deep sigh.

I find my way to the couch and flop down unceremoniously. This is exhausting. It's been a long time since I've gotten into a fight with someone who genuinely disliked me and I don't really know how to combat it.

Naruto joins me a few moments later, two open beers in hand.

"Here," he says, setting one in front of me on the coffee table. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," I tell him, picking up the bottle and slowly sipping on it.

"I'm…sorry that happened," Naruto murmurs quietly. "I really didn't think he'd be home until later."

"It's FINE," I reiterate. I just want him to drop it. I don't want to talk about this anymore.

He tilts his head to the side, giving me a look that basically asks me if I'm sure.

"Seriously," I insist. "I just don't get why your friend is such a fucking asshole."

Naruto chuckles wearily at that. He opens his mouth to respond, but he is cut off by Kiba's voice. "I can HEAR you!" he shouts from his bedroom.

I decide to ignore him. I glance at Naruto. He's smiling, but he looks uneasy at the same time. He takes a swig of his beer and then says, "Okay, enough about him, then. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes!" I insist sharply. "Yes, I'm fine!"

"I just haven't seen you so worked up in a while," he comments simply.

"I was just mad," I explain. "I felt attacked and it seemed unwarranted. I still overreacted, though. Sorry about that."

Naruto shakes his head but doesn't respond. I think it's his way of saying he's on my side without Kiba overhearing, which is good because honestly he should be. I didn't start the confrontation. None of this is my fault.

"I feel like I shouldn't hang out here for a while," I admit, although it's kind of disappointing. I really like Naruto's apartment and spending time with him, but I can't have a repeat of tonight. It's too much stress.

"Yeah," Naruto agrees solemnly, "That's probably best."

"We can still go out," I offer, trying to lighten the mood. "Coffee yesterday was nice."

He perks up a bit, nodding. "Yeah, it was. We should figure out some other things to do. I mean, it's summer! I'm sure there's all kinds of interesting things going on."

"True," I agree. "I don't get out much, though. I never have. I think I partied a lot to compensate for it."

"And now you don't party at all," Naruto points out.

"Yeah…"

"Well, we don't have to do anything wild," he continues. "We can just, like, go for walks in the park for all I care. I just like spending time with you."

"Oh," I respond. "That's nice…"

He smirks slightly. "No need to get all awkward."

"I never know what to say when people say things like that to me," I confess. "No one ever really says things like that to me… Just you."

I think people tend to want only one thing from me and it's definitely not good company or conversation.

"Huh," he snorts, "Well they should. People should say things like that to you."

I feel the tips of my ears warm up. "Thanks," I say sharply. I don't know how else to respond. This is all new and uncomfortable for me.

"Do you like hanging out with me?" Naruto asks. He stares at me expectantly and the question sounds oddly loaded.

"Uh, yeah," I mumble. Of course I do. Otherwise I wouldn't be here right now. I sure as hell wouldn't have hung around after Kiba exploded at me. Naruto obviously knows the answer so I have no idea why he's asking.

"Stop getting weird!" he jokes, punching me lightly in the arm. "No more one word answers!"

"If I didn't like you then I wouldn't be here," I tell him.

Naruto chortles, staring at me. "Are you BLUSHING?"

God, I hope not.

"No, idiot," I insist, glancing away and taking a drink of my beer.

"Aw, sooo cuuute," he coos, looking very satisfied with himself.

I'm not used to talking like this – not even to Karin. I think Naruto is a pretty sensitive guy. He likes to be liked and sometimes he needs that little extra reassurance that the friendship isn't one-sided. I suppose I don't mind giving it to him, especially considering that I am a difficult to read person. He probably has no other way of knowing how I feel. I'm just glad he asks instead of making wild assumptions.

We chatter for a while longer about menial things, but eventually it starts to get late and I tell Naruto I should probably head home. He tells me he'll drive and as we're leaving the house calls to Kiba to tell him he'll be back soon. It's surprising because honestly if I were Naruto I wouldn't even want to speak to Kiba right now, let alone let him keep tabs on where I was going.

I wonder if they're going to have a fight when Naruto gets home. Maybe it's kind of messed up but I kind of hope they do. I'm feeling vindictive and I want Naruto to put Kiba in his place.

We climb into the car and head towards my house, where I'm not really looking forward to being. I've been seriously avoiding all of my responsibilities lately and I really need to get my shit together.

I still need to make that clinic appointment. I just feel unmotivated and distracted – like I don't want to face the things that are freaking me out.

"I'll talk to Kiba when I get back home," Naruto says. "Hopefully he has cooled down a bit by now."

"Hopefully," I respond, not giving a fuck regardless.

"I'm glad you didn't ditch after he started mouthing off."

I nod my head, even though he probably can't see it.

Soon enough, we're in front of my house. I thank him for the cooking for me and for driving me home. He waves me off with a smile and I head inside. I don't bother to greet whoever is home. I head straight upstairs and get ready for bed.

.

.

I make an appointment for the following Wednesday and stress about it all weekend. Worst case scenarios keep running through my head and I can't seem push them down. Now that I'm finally going to see a doctor everything seems so much more real.

I didn't tell my parents of course. They don't need to know. My appointment is during their work day and I'm planning to walk. If Itachi is home I'll ask him to drive me because he won't ask any questions or mention it later.

When Tuesday night rolls around I'm a jittery mess. I try to go to bed early just so I don't have to think anymore but I'm too anxious to fall asleep. I just end up staring up at the ceiling and wondering what's going to happen to me if I have like syphilis or something.

I'd fucking kill myself. I'm trying to prepare myself emotionally for the questions that I'll be asked. I don't want to say I was assaulted. I don't think they need to know that part. They don't really need to know anything. They just need to give me the fucking test. I hate the questions.

I have a hard time sleeping and come morning I'm too stressed to get out of bed. I drag myself up an hour before my appointment. I head straight into town, not bothering to eat anything first. I'm not hungry. I'm too anxious to be hungry.

After a long bus ride, I am sitting in the waiting room. I stare at the clock as it ticks. I wring my hands together, waiting for my name to be called.

Finally they call my name, but I have to take a few deeps breaths to calm myself before I even try to stand. I walk up to the receptionist and she points me in the direction of a room down the hall with an open door.

I head for the room and when I get there decide to sit in the waiting chair instead of on the examination table. It seems more comfortable somehow, like I'm just accompanying someone else to their tests.

A few minutes later a nurse comes in, hands me a gown, and tells me that the doctor will be in soon to start a physical. They leave the room so I can change and I slip on the plasticky cloth, trying my best to tie tight knots to keep it closed.

I wrap my arms around myself, feeling insecure already. When the doctor walks in, I feel even worse. It's a man. He's middle aged with brown hair, brown eyes and an average build. Those are the exact words Naruto used to describe the guy that took me back to my dorm room that night.

I don't want to think about it like that because that's not what this is. He's a doctor, not a pervert. Nonetheless, the thought pervades until it makes a hole in my head.

"Hello," he greets me, staring down at his clipboard. "Sasuke Uchiha."

I nod my head once, swallowing harshly.

He glances back up and introduces himself, but I immediately forget his name because I feel so nauseous. "Have you gotten a test like this done before?" he asks me.

"No," I admit quietly.

"First, I'll ask you some questions. They might seem a little invasive, but I want to determine your risk of contracting STDs and which ones you might have been exposed to. We'll do physical, a swab and, to be safe, we will also draw some blood and take a urine sample."

This sounds horrible and I feel sick. All I can do is muster up another weak nod.

He weighs me and measures my height, takes my blood pressure and listens to my heartbeat. All are normal.

Afterwards I sit on the examination table while he quizzes me on what feels like just about everything. He starts with alcohol use, diet, and exercise.

"I used to drink a lot more than I do now," I tell him, "I know it was too much."

"That's typical for college students." He nods, marking something on his clipboard. "If it's not affecting your daily activities and you're starting to use it more in moderation then I'm not concerned."

He seems impressed by my diet but criticizes my lack of exercise. Honestly he's probably right. I've been slacking lately because I've been too upset. It's something I'll have to consider.

"Are you sexually active?" he finally asks me, and for a second I almost blurt out no. I'm going to have to literally force myself to be honest.

"Yes," I say after a moment, and watch as he checks a box in my folder.

"With men or women?" he continues.

I hesitate again. I shouldn't be worried about saying it outright, but I still am. He's a doctor and wouldn't judge me, but saying it out-loud makes the whole thing so much more real.

"Both," I finally tell him, "Men recently."

The doctor doesn't even glance up at me. It makes me uncomfortable to admit it, especially out loud. I don't even like to admit it to myself. It seems embarrassing. The only person I've really explicitly told was Naruto.

"In the past twelve months, how many sexual partners have you had?"

"I can't remember," I whisper.

"In the past three months, how many sexual partners have you had?"

"None."

"Are you safe?"

"Yes."

"What kind of protection do you use?"

"Condoms."

"And what kind of sexual activities do you participate in?"

"Like... everything," I admit. He nods, urging me to continue even though I don't want to. "Like… oral, anal, vaginal…"

"Have you ever had an STD before?"

"No."

And I REALLY don't want to start now.

"Have you noticed any symptoms?" he asks me. "Itching? Discharge? Recent weight loss? Weight gain?"

"Nothing like that… but I don't know about my weight," I admit. "I haven't weighed myself in a while."

He makes me step on a scale. 117 lbs. I lost a bit of weight, but I'm not overly concerned with it. I know it's not because of some sort of STD. It's just because I feel too shitty to eat sometimes.

After a few more questions, he puts on clear plastic gloves and says he wants to examine my genitals and my rectum. This is the part I've been dreading. I stare blankly at the wall as he does it. I tense as soon as I feel his hands. He tries to explain what he is doing before he does it – probably in an attempt to ease my discomfort, but it's not really working. I honestly just want him to shut the fuck up.

"I'm looking for structural abnormalities," he tells me. He presses on my lower abdomen, feeling around my lower regions. "Can you cough for me?" he requests.

I oblige, feeling stupid. This is taking too long.

After what feels like forever he finally finishes, stripping off the gloves and depositing them in a waste bin.

"Everything feels normal," he tells me, reaching for a small cup with a lid the nurse set up on the counter when I first came in. "Go down the hall and to the right and give a urine sample. There's a small shelf in the bathroom for you to leave this on. When you're done with that go the rest of the way down the hall to the nurses' station and they'll take a blood sample. Then come back here."

He hands me the cup and I nod sheepishly. This is the most humiliating day of my life. I hate all of this procedural stuff.

When I get to the bathroom, I feel too tense to pee. I try to relax, but I'm still so on edge. My mouth is dry and I feel so numb. I just want to leave.

It takes me a few minutes to actually manage to pee in the cup. When that is taken care of, I head to get my blood taken. A nurse ties a tourniquet over my upper arm and draw blood from the crook of my elbow. This part is quick and painless. I head back to the doctors office. At least it's half over. Then I can leave. I can go home and lie in bed and try to forget about all of this.

"We're halfway there," the doctor tells me.

I make some noncommittal sound of acknowledgement.

"I'm going to start with a swab from the inside of your mouth," he says, picking up what essentially looks like an extra-long version of a q-tip.

I nod and take a seat, opening my mouth and allowing him to run the cotton along the side of my cheek and around my gums. It's dry and kind of tickles, and when he's done he unscrews the lid of plastic test tube and slides the swab inside. He puts the lid back on and sets it aside, reaching for a second swab off of his examination tray.

He tells me what the swab is for and I slowly pull up the patient gown, bunching it around my stomach. My hands are clenched. It feels unpleasant, but I kind of force myself to zone out. I stare at the wall until he tells me it's over.

"Turn around and lean over the table," he instructs "I'm going to take a rectal swab to be safe. I'll also see if I feel any abnormalities. This is the last part, then we're all done."

My face is probably beet red. A wave of nausea sets in and I literally feel like I could cry.

I lean over the table and close my eyes, trying to think of something – anything – else. He says something else, but I don't really hear it. I'm too worked up.

When he finishes I stand up slowly and let the gown slide down. I turn around and sit on the table as he puts this swab into a third test tube. He's still talking at me but I can't pay attention. I just want to leave. I can't believe I just did that. At least it's over I guess.

I nod my head along to whatever he's saying and eventually he gets up and leaves the room, taking the clipboard and samples with him. I take this as my cue to get dressed, so I slip out of the gown quickly and pull my regular street clothes back on.

I leave the room and walk down the hall, passing the receptionist and heading out the front door. I'm glad they already have me in their system so I don't have to interact with anybody and give them my insurance card.

I glance at my phone. I was barely in there for twenty minutes. It felt like hours. I let out a long breath as I walk away from the clinic. God, that was a pain. I wrap my arms around myself as I reach the bus stop down the road. The roads are pretty barren this time of day. I sit on the bench and wait. When the bus shows up, I get on and sit in the front.

I stare out the windows, watching the town pass.

The wait is going to suck, but if I don't hear back from the clinic by this time next week, then I'm okay. Fuck, I hope I'm okay.


	16. Chapter 16: Naruto

tw: Hiro being sketchy and manipulative as fuck

 **Naruto's POV**

Kiba's been actively avoiding me all week. By the time I got home from dropping Sasuke off last Friday he had already gone to bed, even though it was only nine. It's obvious that he just doesn't want to talk about what happened but I wish he would just say that instead of playing hide and seek with me.

Honestly, I'm pretty pissed off. Sasuke's done literally nothing wrong and it's annoying to watch Kiba act like a dick for no reason.

Speaking of Sasuke, we've been texting kind of a lot the past couple days on and off. Nothing important really—I started with sending him an emoji of a fried shrimp and he sent me back an eggplant. Now I guess we're kind of trying to top each other on who can send the weirdest one.

I'm sitting in the living room channel surfing when I hear a nearby door open. I turn around. When Kiba finally wanders out of his room, he looks somewhat surprised to see me – almost like he didn't expect me to be sitting here.

"Hey," I say.

"Hey," he murmurs.

"Wanna talk?"

"Not especially," he says. "I gotta piss."

With that, he turns down the hallway and disappears into the bathroom.

I let out a sharp breath. I'll wait, then. I'll nag him some more because, quite frankly, he owes me some sort of explanation.

He reappears a moment later, looking thoroughly uncomfortable. I give him an expectant look. He just crosses his arms and says, "What…?"

"What do you THINK?" I retort.

"No idea," he deadpans, turning to walk back to his room.

"Hold on," I say hitting the off button on the remote. "I want to have a conversation with you."

"I do not want to talk about Sasuke." He scoffs, stopping and turning towards me. "Jeez, you're so fucking fixated on it."

"He's my friend," I reply, not missing a beat.

"Well, you're my friend, too, and I don't like him," Kiba insists. "Why doesn't that matter to you?"

"Because it's stupid!" I explain, sounding exasperated as hell. This is such a crock of shit. There's literally nothing for them to fight about. "Sasuke hasn't done anything to you."

"Except be a dick for his whole life," Kiba rolls his eyes.

"He was a dick to everyone, not just you." I pull my legs up onto the couch and cross them. "Besides, he's different now. People grow up."

"Not that much," he argues.

"You need to get over yourself," I say sharply. "Sasuke never made you his target. You're making him your target. How is that fair? How is that at all just? What you're doing makes no sense. You have no reason to hate him this much."

"Are you done?" he asks, sounding bored. "Look, I don't care. I really don't. He can go fuck himself. I don't like him. The end."

GOD, he's driving me nuts!

"Kiba, shut the fuck up," I retort. "You're acting like such a jerkoff! You're being a hypocrite! You say you hate him because he's a jerk, but you're acting worse. Come on. What's this really about? You admitted you were jealous of him, right?"

He scoffs, looking offended that I'd bring it up. "I don't want to talk about that."

"Well, I'm making you!" I shout.

"What do you want me to say?" he shouts back. "Do you want me to give you all the details of why I think Sasuke's a bad guy? He obviously gets on off on thinking he's better than everyone else and in case you hadn't noticed that's not exactly the type of person I work well with!"

"He doesn't think he's better than you!" I insist, throwing my hands in the air. This is literally insane. I don't know where he's getting all these batshit crazy ideas.

"Please!" Kiba scoffs. "He'd throw me under the bus in a second if he had the chance."

"Well, he knows we fucked and he hasn't tried to toss that in your face yet, has he!?" I spit out because it's as good a time as ever to tell him. I promised Sasuke I would. I wasn't exactly planning on using it as leverage but here we are.

Kiba's jaw drops and if the situation wasn't so tense I might find it comedic. "WHAT? You TOLD him that?" He looks absolutely mortified, like he's afraid Sasuke might tell the entire world, even though he never would. I know he's not that type of person, contrary to what Kiba seems to think.

"No, for fuck's sake, calm down," I spit. "He overheard us talking about it months ago in my dorm room."

"And, what, he eavesdropped?"

"Well, we were probably being loud," I recall.

He puts his head in his hands and lets out a loud groan. "Fuck, fuck, fuck…"

"It's not the end of the fucking world," I point out. I don't know why he's getting this worked up. "He's not going to tell anyone."

"He might," Kiba argues.

"He has no one to tell, even if he was that type of person," I insist.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" he asks, sounding angry. I don't know why—none of this is my fault. It's not like I spread a malicious rumor.

"Because I thought you'd freak out, which was obviously correct." I gesture up and down to him.

"Ugh!" Kiba crosses his arms over his chest and pinches the bridge of his nose. "Is this just like, what you guys do? Do you just like, hang out and talk about me behind my back?"

"What? No!" I say insistently, feeling a little offended. "Do you really think that little of me!"

"No! I mean—I don't know what I think!" He lets out a strained laugh, pushing back his bangs with one hand. "I just see you guys talking and every single time I feel like it's bad things about me!"

"Only when you're being a huge dick!" I explain.

"That makes me feel loads better."

I give him a wry smile. "Come on. This is dumb."

"I know," he admits.

It seems like he's cooling down a bit. I scoot over and pat the seat next to me. "Sit."

He sighs, relenting. He moves closer and obliges. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? I don't really know what else you want me to do. I don't like being around him."

"It's not like I'm forcing you guys to be best friends or something," I point out. "I just want you to be civil. I mean, if you really can't stand being around him THAT much, then just ignore him."

"Easier said than done," he mumbles. He is frowning. He glances at me and says, "Are we okay?"

"Yeah, of course," I tell him.

I feel like this was the worst argument we've had. It's like each time they get more intense. I don't really know why.

"Why have you been so high strung lately?" I decide to ask him. I doubt I'll get a direct answer and he might not even have a reason, but it's worth being upfront with him so at least he'll think about it.

Kiba shrugs. "I don't know," he says, as expected. "I've just been dealing with shit lately."

"Do you want to talk about it?" I question, but he shakes his head. Again, as expected.

It's so disappointing to get into these kinds of fights and never have any sort of resolution. I feel like we're always lingering in a state of limbo where I'm walking on eggshells and Kiba's keeping everything buried deep down.

"How has Akamaru's training been going?" I change the subject, diverting it to something that might be easier for him to answer.

"Good," Kiba tells me. "Really good. He's the right type of breed so he's learning all the commands and behaviors really quickly."

"That's good." I smile softly, nodding my head. "Has he been helpful?"

Kiba shifts, looking uncomfortable. "Yeah," he finally says, "After Sasuke and I got into that fight I was having a really hard time calming down, and Akamaru like, laid on my chest."

I nod, urging him to continue.

"It helped," is all he adds.

"Okay," I say. "Well, that's good to hear."

He lets out a long sigh "Look, I know you want me to open up and be all emotional and shit, but that's just not me."

"You are emotional as hell, though," I point out. "You're angry all the time. You're impulsive with your reactions. You just don't want to seem weak and you think crying or opening up about your problems will make you seem so."

He sneers at me and then glances away, staring down at the carpet. "Well, what the fuck do you want me to say?"

"I don't know," I respond simply.

"Why do we keep fighting?"

"I don't know," I repeat myself. "You literally don't give me much, Kiba, and I don't want to start making wild assumptions."

"I don't want you making assumptions," he replies quickly.

"I try not to," I explain, "But it's hard when I barely know anything about something that really obviously affects every single aspect of your life."

Kiba shrugs. I half expect him to say that's my problem not his, but he doesn't. He just sits there quietly, staring at his hands.

The silence starts to make me uncomfortable, so I start talking again.

"Look," I say, "I don't even really understand how someone gets something like PTSD, let alone how it affects you. I want to know but I want to hear it from you. I don't think you'd like it if I started looking all that stuff up on the internet."

"No," Kiba murmurs, "I wouldn't. You'd just make more assumptions."

Maybe some of those assumptions would be right though.

Still, I shouldn't. I should wait for him to tell me himself. If I don't, it would seem disrespectful. I just hate the thought of something so awful having happened to him. Is it because of his parents? Are they abusive? Is there more to the story than them just being overly strict? Or were they really just trying to help him get over whatever did happen to him? Was he bullied horribly as a kid? Did he see someone die? Did he kill someone? Jeez, the possibilities are endless and I really have no clue.

Kiba closes his eyes, pressing his lips together. He looks thoughtful, like he's contemplating something. "Look," he murmurs, "I'll tell you eventually… I just can't yet. I've never gotten the words out to anyone except my parents… and it was mostly out of spite. When I do get the words out, you'll be the first to hear them. Okay?"

"Okay," I say, satisfied.

"So… your parents know?" I probe.

He opens his eyes and glances at me. "Well, yeah… That's why they're so fucking crazy. They don't understand that they're making it worse."

"Oh," I all I can manage. That's really…sad. Trying to help someone you love and having it just make things more terrible must be a horrible feeling.

I like that Kiba trusts me enough to want to get to the point where he can tell me, though. It makes me feel like we're getting somewhere. I won't be kept in the dark forever.

"Can we just…not talk about it anymore? For right now?" he asks, squeezing his eyes shut. "I'll like, try to be nicer to Sasuke or whatever."

With that, I'm satisfied.

"Alright," I tell him, "Thank you for talking with me about this. I know it's not easy."

Kiba lets out a heavy sigh. "No, it's really not," he says.

I give him a sympathetic smile. "Sorry. I know I probably seem kind of pushy. I'm not trying to be pushy. I just want to get it."

"Well… you'll never be able to," he argues.

"You know what I mean."

He smiles wearily. "Yeah, I know."

I pass him the remote and he starts flicking through channels aimlessly until he settles on some action movie. It looks pretty cheesy, but I don't think either of us is in the mood for a serious movie.

.

.

The following day, I head out to buy groceries at 3PM. Kiba didn't want to tag along. I buy a two four at the liquor store on my way home. When I get back to my apartment, I struggle to grab all of my crap before heading up. I don't really want to make two trips.

I knock my foot against the apartment door, hoping Kiba will hear and let me in.

When there's no response I try again. "Kiba!" I shout, "Can you come help me?"

A second later the door opens and a bag is taken from me, but not by Kiba.

"Thanks," I let out a huff as the weight is lifted, but I'm taken aback by the unfamiliar face.

"Um, hi?" I say as I step into the apartment. "Who're you?"

"Hiro," he tells me, offering up an arm for a second bag of groceries. "It's nice to meet you."

"Oh, uh…" I mumble.

"Kiba's cousin," he clarifies.

"Oh!" I exclaim. "It's nice to meet you, too!"

We carry the groceries into the kitchen and we do I see Kiba sitting at the dining table.

"Hey, Naruto…" he says.

I wonder why he made his cousin answer the door in his stead, but I decide to brush it off.

I set the shit down and start putting things away. "I got some beer," I add. "Wanted to stock up."

"Oh, okay," Kiba says. "Cool."

I glance back at the stranger in the house. Hiro looks a bit like Kiba, but not overtly. He has the same shaggy hair, but his is quite a bit shorter. He's got scruffy stubble and he's a little bit taller than me – more built, too. I'm actually a little jealous.

"So, what're you guys up to today?" I ask.

It's weird for Kiba to have people over. I didn't expect him to ever invite anyone over here – especially not family. I guess it's a good thing, though. It's nice to see him socializing.

"I wanted to stop by and see Kiba's new apartment," Hiro answers quickly, "I thought it might be nice for him to have some familial support since he's not speaking with my aunt or uncle right now."

"That was nice of you," I tell him, pulling a bottle opener out of the silverware drawer and popping the caps off of three beers.

"Here," I hand out to Hiro, "Did Kiba give you the grand tour?"

"He didn't," Hiro replies playfully, glancing over at Kiba and shaking his head. "Why didn't you show me around?"

Kiba shrugs but doesn't respond, gesturing for me to hand him the second beer I'm carrying.

I pass it over to him and then start to sip on mine, pointing to my bedroom door as I walk past Hiro.

"This is my room," I say, opening the door for him to look inside, "Nothing exciting."

"Minimalist." Hiro nods. "I like it."

"Thanks, it's called being poor," I joke.

He snorts at that. "Fair."

I gesture to the bathroom, closet, then we hit Kiba's room. I open the door, hoping he won't mind. He's not exactly following us, so I'm going to assume he won't care.

"This room is Kiba's," I say.

He glances inside. "Plain. Kinda like his room at his parents' place."

After finishing the brief tour, we head back into the kitchen. Kiba has downed his beer in the mere minutes we were gone.

"Damn, dude," I say. "Want another?"

"Yeah, okay," he responds.

I crack open one more and hand it to him. "Careful, though. I don't want you getting sloppy."

He peers at me, looking annoyed. "I won't," he insists sharply.

I glance at Hiro, who simply shrugs. I wonder what he thinks about Kiba's mood swings. I wonder if he knows what's going on in Kiba's life. I wonder if he knows more than I do. I wish I could pull him aside and talk to him, but Kiba would hate that. I guess it would be a pretty sneaky thing for me to do.

I bet Hiro and Kiba are close. They'd have to be for Kiba to willingly invite him over.

Then again, Kiba doesn't seem like he's having too great a time. I guess he could be nervous because I'm here. He didn't tell me Hiro would be coming over so maybe he didn't want us to meet. It wouldn't be that surprising considering how wonky he is about his family.

"Where do you live?" I decide to ask Hiro, wondering if maybe he's visiting from out of town.

"On the northeast side." he tells me nonchalantly.

"Oh, you're from here?" I reply, sounding surprised.

Hiro gives me a funny look. "Most of our family lives here." He glances over at Kiba. "What? You didn't tell him?"

"It never came up," Kiba justifies poorly. "I didn't feel the need to mention it."

That's honestly exactly like him so I'm not even fazed.

Hiro rolls his eyes. "Typical. Kiba, you need to loosen up a bit."

A bit? More like a lot.

We continue to talk casually. Kiba continues to drink to ease whatever stress he's currently feeling. Me and Hiro swap awkward looks every time he grabs another beer. I wonder if he's thinking what I'm thinking. I wonder if he's worried. I wonder if he thinks it's because of him. I wonder if it really IS?

"Kiba, buddy, might wanna slow down there," Hiro says.

Kiba completely ignores him.

I snort. "Kiba doesn't like people telling him what to do," I point out. "He always has to learn the hard way."

"Jeez, Naruto, shut the fuck up," Kiba mutters. He's already semi-drunk. It's obvious. I'm only on my second and Hiro is still wasting time on his first.

"Well, it's true," I retort.

I didn't intend on us all getting drunk today, but that look like what's going to happen. I should make a quick dinner before we all get trashed.

"Feel like a bite?" I ask. "I was thinking of making fish."

They both seem fine with it, so I whip it up quickly and pretty much force feed it down Kiba's throat before he can touch another beer. Then I make him drink a glass of water because I really don't want him getting up in the middle of the night to puke. Hiro seems amused by the entire thing. I don't know why he's so lax with Kiba. Then again, he probably understands that it's easier to just _not_ bother him by now.

After eating, we all relocate to the living room and put on some sports game in the background. Kiba is sitting in the middle while me and Hiro are on each side of him. I don't really know how many drinks Kiba has had by now, but he at least seems coherent enough.

I honestly wish I hadn't offered up the beer as a socialization activity because with how cranky Kiba's been lately I can feel this going south. With just the two of us and some space to talk it probably would have been fine—we haven't had much quality alone time lately anyway—but clearly I misjudged the situation and his mood.

"Do you guys like…want to go out or something?" I offer after a few awkward minutes of silence.

"I'm good," Kiba says almost immediately, not taking his eyes off the television.

"I might like to." Hiro shrugs.

Kiba glances over at him, still almost completely ignoring me. "Why don't you then?" he asks.

They stare at one another and it gets tense. "Go to bed, Kiba," Hiro suggests.

Kiba looks annoyed at being told what to do. I half expect him to start a fight, but he doesn't. He just glances away and lets out a grunt, standing up. He immediately begins to waver. He grabs the wall as soon as he reaches it and heads to his room.

"Goodnight," Hiro calls.

When Kiba is gone, I glance at Hiro. "Want another beer?" I ask, seeing that he's pretty much finished the one he's been drinking all night.

"Sure," he says.

I head to the kitchen and grab two more – one for me and one for him – and then I say, "Feel like sitting out on the balcony?"

"That sounds nice," he tells me. "It was getting a bit stuffy in here anyway."

We head outside and I see that he's right. The summer evening is starting to cool down and it feels much better than the living room of my unair-conditioned apartment.

"So," I start, swirling around the contents of the beer in my hand, "Do you and Kiba see each other a lot usually?"

"Not a lot," Hiro tells me, leaning against the guardrail. "At family gatherings. That sort of thing."

"Are you guys close then?" I wonder.

Hiro wavers a little. "I'd say so. I've known him his whole life, so, yeah," he says after a moment.

"It really was nice of you to come over," I mumble somewhat more quietly, hoping Kiba won't overhear. "He's been having kind of a hard time adjusting I think."

"Oh?" Hiro asks inquisitively.

"Just like…" I pause, "He's moodier than usual."

"He's always moody," Hiro snorts. "I mean, not when he was really little… but when he was thirteen he started getting really moody."

"I wish he'd talk to me," I say. "He never does. It's frustrating. He flips out, we fight and then we make up… but he never tells me why we're even fighting, so we're doomed to repeat it."

"Hm," he murmurs. "Yeah, he's really closed off."

"It makes me wonder why…"

Hiro is silent for a moment.

I eye him. "Do you know why he's like that?"

"Yeah, I know," he says. He's frowning. I want to pry, but I don't. It wouldn't be right. I just want Kiba to have someone he can talk to, since clearly he can't talk to me.

Hiro stays quiet. He looks like he's thinking. I wonder if he's trying to decide whether or not to tell me or just feeling uncomfortable.

"Has he told you anything?" he finally asks.

"Just what he had to—" I explain, "About Akamaru and how he's for PTSD. He literally had no way of hiding a service dog from me though."

Hiro nods. "Yeah, I remember when I first saw Akamaru. I guess I was kind of surprised."

"I thought he was just a pet at first," I say, exasperated, "Kiba wasn't at school or answering his phone so I got worried and stopped by his house. I guess he had just taken the day off to go pick up a puppy. Oh man, his mom was such a bitch about it. I was just worried, I wasn't trying to like intrude on their weird private prison."

It was a weird thing to see. It annoys me thinking that he was drowning under their care for so long.

"Yeah, she can get like that," he says understandingly. "She's so controlling. I don't think she even cared that she was suffocating him."

I nod my head slowly. "It rubbed me the wrong way, y'know? I immediately felt like something was off. Kiba gets antsy and pissed off when I bring it up, so I try not to, but I can't shake the feeling."

"Fair," Hiro responds. "He's not particularly chatty about things, especially when those things have to do with himself."

"I blame his parents," I murmur.

Hiro smiles somewhat wearily. "Yeah, they did a number on him, that's for sure."

I can't figure out if Hiro wants to tell me or not. He's not asking me directly to stop, but he doesn't seem like he's planning on telling me outright either. If I want this conversation to go anywhere it's obvious I'm going to have to be the one to lead it.

"Right when we came back from spring break there was something weird," I start. "I tried to ask Kiba about it but he just kept feeding me lies. Or I felt like they were lies at least. His answers didn't make sense."

Hiro stares at me and takes a sip out of his beer, remaining silent.

"He had like…a bruise on his face?" I say almost like a question, hoping Hiro will fill in the blanks for me, "It was mostly healed but I still noticed it. He said he and his dad were playing soccer or whatever but I know that's bullshit because Kiba thinks his dad is an asshole and would never just hang out with him like that."

"Yeah…" Hiro says slowly. His eyebrows knot together. "His dad did that."

My jaw drops. "Did dad…?"

Hiro nods his head but doesn't say anything.

"Why?" I exclaim.

Hiro wrinkles his nose, looking distasteful. "He got mad. I think they get mad at him a lot because he acts up. They want him to be a very specific way."

"Kiba doesn't seem to act up when they're around," I murmur.

Hiro shrugs. "Not so. I think he doesn't act up when other people are around him and his parents. He doesn't want people to think anything is amiss. So, when people are around he wants things to appear normal. To admit otherwise is uncomfortable for him."

I let out a heavy sigh. I guess it's not that surprising. It's pretty much what I suspected all along. His parents are so fucking screwed up.

"So is that like…" I pause awkwardly, trying to figure out the best way to say it. "Why he's this way?"

Hiro shrugs. "Yeah, I think so. His parents were like really shitty when he was little. That's why they fight so much now."

I stare down at the street, trying to make heads or tails of all this.

"It's just so weird." I finally say, "He told me so explicitly that's not what happened."

Hiro scoffs, looking annoyed. "Well if you believe him then why are you asking me?"

"That's not what I meant," I explain quickly, "I just mean that he keeps trying to make it seem like they're helping, but I guess they're really not."

"No, they're not," Hiro confirms. "It's good that he moved out of there."

"Sad," I murmur.

It's so unbelievably sad. At this point, I didn't suspect his parents to be at the root of it all. I knew they were shitty. I knew they forced him to swallow his emotions. I knew that they made him feel weak if he showed emotion. I knew all of this, but I never thought they were physically abusive. It makes me mad. I wish Kiba would overpower them. He probably could. He's not huge, but he's not so small, either.

"Yeah," Hiro agrees with a shrug.

"I just want him to be okay," I murmur.

"I don't want to sound like a dick, but I doubt he ever will be," Hiro says. "He bottles things up. He'll never talk. It's not healthy. Until he CAN talk about this shit, he won't be okay."

"Yeah," I say, hating to agree.

"I wouldn't bother asking him about all of this if I were you." He takes a few steps back and leans against the apartment wall. "He'll never tell you directly and will just end up defensive if you try to bring it up. He'll probably say it's a lie or whatever."

I nod. That makes sense. Honestly, he'd be so mad to know I asked Hiro to tell me that he'd probably never forgive me. I'll just have to keep this whole thing to myself.

"Is there a good way for me to support him?"

Hiro has an answer ready for me. "Probably don't ask about family stuff too much," he says. "Kiba's probably trying to compartmentalize right now and bringing it up just reminds him."

"Okay," I murmur, wishing there was something more I could do. "I suppose that explains why his parents were so annoyed about him attending therapy."

"They probably want to deny that they have anything to do with his PTSD," Hiro says with a shrug. "They're like that. They think they can do no wrong."

"You sound bitter," I note.

"Well, I guess I am," he says. "They fucked him up big time."

"Yeah," I agree forlornly.

Some people shouldn't be parents. I wonder what Kiba's sister feels about everything that happens in that house. She should have helped him. She should have been there for him. I get that she wanted to escape, but she left him there. It's fuckin' heartbreaking.

We're both quiet for a few minutes, staring off into the distance.

This is a fucking mess.

"I should probably get home," Hiro says after a bit longer, setting what's left of his beer down on the steel table we have sitting outside.

"Want me to drive you?" I offer.

"That's okay," he declines, "I'll take the bus."

Honestly I'm glad because I need a little alone time to process all of this, but I felt obligated to offer.

"I'll walk you to the door then," I say instead.

We head inside and Hiro slips on his shoes.

"It was nice to meet you," I tell him as I open the door for him, "I'm sorry we ended up having such a heavy conversation."

"That's fine." He waves a hand at me dismissively. "You seem nice and probably deserve to know what's going on."

I nod my head. "See you around."

He nods back and then heads out. I close the door behind him and then head back inside. I let out a heavy sigh and decide to go check on Kiba. I open his door and he's lying in bed. I move closer and say his name, but he doesn't respond. He's out cold. I hope he doesn't throw up tomorrow. I don't think he will, but yah never know. Hopefully his hangover won't be too horrendous.

I leave his bedroom and turn into mine, changing out of my day clothes and slipping into some pyjama pants and a t-shirt. I head across the hall and brush my teeth before deciding to head to bed.

.

.

The following Friday I get a text from Shikamaru telling me that one of the frats that stayed open for the summer is hosting a party. He says he probably won't even be there, but wanted to spread the word.

I end up asking Kiba if he wants to go with me and even though he's a little resistant at first he ends up relenting after I pester him enough. We walk over to the school around ten and head down to the street all the frat houses are on. It's easy to tell which one the party is in because of the blaring music. It's a wonder no one's called the cops yet.

There's fourteen or fifteen people hanging out on the porch smoking cigarettes and socializing as we walk up to the front door. It's wide open so we let ourselves in, and quickly I spot Sai and Ino chatting over by the table of drinks. I wave hello and they wave back, but I don't go talk to them because they seem busy.

I think they're hooking up. Sai spent enough nights with her to make me assume so.

I head for the kitchen and grab some beer from the keg. I fill Kiba up a cup, too, and hand it over. I don't plan on getting drunk tonight, but things might change.

I wonder if Sasuke is here… but he's probably not. Parties don't seem to be his scene these days. Out of the blue, he just stopped partying. Ever since that night he doesn't seem to remember. I think the loss of control freaked him out. He seems like he likes to be very much in control – of himself and of his surroundings.

"Don't get too trashed," I say to Kiba.

He sneers at me. "Whatever man," he dismisses in a mutter.

I roll my eyes and take a sip from my own cup. I'm not going to fight about this kind of stuff. He's been such a piss baby lately but I'm not trying to get into it with him.

He didn't bring Akamaru with him tonight either, which kind of stresses me out, but I guess it makes sense that he didn't want to overload Akamaru with EDM.

Still, I don't know if Kiba's in a good enough emotional state to be going places where Akamaru can't. I'm not trying to be controlling, I just want him to be safe.

"I'm going to the bathroom," he tells me after a minute or so, sounding annoyed. He's probably sensing that I'm still thinking about his snappy response.

"All righty," I say, shrugging it off.

I'm not going to be his mom tonight. Instead, I'll make some new friends. I'm pretty good at that.

I survey the crowd, deciding to chat up a few girls. I introduce myself and they introduce themselves back. The one that really sticks out is named Shion. She's tall and slender with incredibly long, blonde hair and an infectious laugh.

"What'yah drinking?" I ask her.

"Soda," she says, swirling her cup and laughing. "I'm not a big drinker."

I smile, holding my beer up. "This is all I plan on having tonight. I just felt like getting out of the house."

"I feel yah," she says with a long nod.

"Are you a freshman?" I ask her.

"Sophomore now." She laughs.

"Oh yeah, me too," I let out a soft chuckle. "I keep forgetting it's the summer and that I'm in my second year now. Feels weird."

She leans up against the wall. "Summer's going by so fast. I'm not ready for school to start."

"Ugh. I know, me too," I complain. "I'm not prepared to have homework again. I'm just starting to settle into not having every second of my day scheduled out for me."

"What's your major?" she asks.

"I'm undeclared," I confess to her, hoping she won't judge me for it, "I don't really know what I want to study yet."

"I understand." Shion smiles. "I don't have a plan either really. I'm just trying to take a variety of courses to see what I like."

I nod my head. "I guess a lot of first years had that plan. It's good to explore a few different things before deciding – especially if you are unsure. It's funny, all of my friends seem to know exactly what they want to do and I'm here still feeling totally clueless."

"Aw, I get that," she says with another laugh. "It's a hard choice to have to make."

"I'll say," I agree solemnly.

We continue talking and it's going really smooth. Around midnight, I decide to ask her if she wants to head back to my place. She looks humoured.

"Promise me you're not a serial killer."

I laugh at that. "I don't have the heart for murder."

"Alright, well we can go back to your place and have a couple drinks." She smirks at me. "But that's all I'm promising."

"That's sounds fantastic," I say, giving her a playful wink, "I'll be right back; I just have to tell my roommate I'm heading home."

She nods and I leave her by the drinks, walking in and out of a few rooms looking for Kiba. Eventually I find him sitting in an armchair in the living room, using his hand to prop up his head as he chats with Hinata.

"Hey," I greet them as I approach, "How's it going? I haven't seen you in a minute."

"S'good," Kiba tells me, sounding obviously drunk.

Hinata gives me a shy smile. "Hi Naruto," she says, "We were just talking. What are you up to?"

I want to comment on how slurred Kiba's speech is, but I force myself not to. It's just not worth it. "I'm going to head home for the night," I say instead, "Are you ready to go back Kiba?"

He shakes his head. "I'm have'n a good time."

Yeah, good, I guess. Jesus fucking Christ.

"All right," I relent. "I'll see you back at the house tonight… or tomorrow morning?"

He nods, not specifying which option it will be.

"Goodnight," I add. With that, I shrug him off and head back to Shion. We head to my car and I start telling her about my place. I tell her I just moved. When we get there, I give her the tour.

"It's nice," she comments.

"A bit plain right now, but I'll spruce things up eventually," I say. We head into the kitchen and I open the cabinet. "I've got vodka, rum and some beer. Pick your poison."

"Vodka," she says. "Do you have soda?"

"I do!" I reply, mixing her a drink before pouring myself some rum.

We sit in the living room and continue to chat. It's nice. Sometimes I like the quietness of being with one person rather than the loudness of being lost in a crowd at a party.

After we've been chatting for a while, Akamaru appears from Kiba's bedroom. He must have been sleeping in there and we've been getting drunker and progressively louder. We must have woken him up.

He pads over to the couch and rests his head on my lap, obviously wanting attention.

"Oh wow!" Shion exclaims, "I know that dog! You live with the boy who's always walking him around on campus?"

I nod. "This is Akamaru," I explain, patting his snout, "He's my roommate Kiba's dog."

"He usually has his vest on…he's a service dog, right?" She asks, "If he's not wearing it now, can I pet him?"

"Yeah, he's not working." I tell her, and she lets out a low cooing noise that Akamaru's ears perk up at.

"C'mere, buddy." She baby-talks, gesturing for him to come over.

When he approaches she strokes his fur and murmurs variations of "what a good boy" to him, caught up in his cuteness.

I watch and wonder how annoyed Kiba would be if he was here. Ha.

"Is your friend okay?" she asks. "I mean, if he has a service dog..."

"He has good days and bad days," I say vaguely, shrugging.

She glances at me. "What's he for?"

"I can't say," I tell her. "He'd be pissed off. I don't want to betray his trust."

"Fair," she replies. "I guess I am nosy."

"So am I," I confess with a little chuckle.

"He is a friendly little doggie," she continues.

"Yeah, he is great for Kiba."

Which is true. I think he helps. He isn't magically going to fix whatever is going on, but he definitely helps Kiba cope with some of the shit.

I do think Kiba should attend therapy sessions weekly instead of just once in a while, though.

Akamaru licks Shion's hands and after a while trots back over to me, giving me a few sniffs before retreating to Kiba's room. I guess it's his bedtime.

Shion watches him leave, clearly humored. "He's awfully cute," she says cheerfully.

"The cutest," I agree.

"Want to follow his lead?" Shion raises an eyebrow at me, and it takes me a second to realize that she means we should head to bed too.

"Oh! Yes!" I say, sounding a bit too excited. She lets out a hearty laugh and stands up from the couch, wavering a little as she does.

"You good?" I ask.

"Perfect." She smiles.

We walk to my bedroom and close the door behind us. Shion's quick to start kissing me and I'm eager to return the action.

It's nice. Kissing her feels nice. Kissing Kiba felt nice, too. Just like kissing Sakura. Kissing every other girl I've been with felt nice. I guess that says something. Maybe I just needed a reminder. Things like that don't just go away. Girls are nice. Guys are nice, too.

We shrug out of our clothes and start messing around. She seems to be enjoying herself. What surprises me, though, is the fact that I'm also enjoying myself. I wasn't sure if I would. I feel like I've been so obsessed with finding out if I'm gay, I was completely unsure of the possibility that I swing both ways.

We fool around for a while before inevitably screwing. This part's nice, just like every other part of the night.

When it's over, we lie side by side and talk some more. We don't bother throwing our clothes back on just yet.

I guess now I know. I can use the label if I wanted to. I feel like talking about it with someone, but there isn't really anyone around and I don't think this is the kind of conversation you should have with a girl you just slept with.

Shion talks about her job. She says she works at the front desk of a spa. I open my mouth to respond to what she's saying, but I don't get the words out because the bedroom door swings open. First person I see is Kiba. The second person I see is Hinata. She has an arm around him, even though he towers over her it doesn't look like she's struggling to support him. Hinata glances away, looking flushed at the scene.

Kiba reaches past Hinata and flicks the lights on. "Why the fuck yah naked?" he asks, slurred.

Shion awkwardly covers herself in my bed sheets.

"For fuck's sake," I mutter, getting up and grabbing a pillow to put over my dong. "Why do you THINK, Kiba?"

"Um… um…" Hinata starts softly, still glancing as far away as possible. She sounds so jolted. I almost feel bad for her. "Kiba… said he felt sick… So I took him home."

"It's okay," I tell her reassuringly. I'm a little annoyed but not at her. "Let me get dressed and I'll make sure he gets in bed."

"You fucking?" Kiba snorts, not taking his eyes off me but pointing accusatorially at Shion, "Her?"

"Uh, yeah," I say condescendingly. I don't really mean it but I'm so not in the mood to deal with this right now.

He scoffs, leaning into Hinata a little more heavily, "Well I guess now yah know, huh?"

I roll my eyes. I don't like where this is headed. I know he's about to escalate this to a fight but I really don't want Hinata or Shion's nights to be ruined by something that really has nothing to do with them.

Shion and Hinata both look confused. Shion glances at me, still clutching my sheets around her chest. "Now you know what?"

Now I know I'm not gay.

Nonetheless, I don't say that. I just shake my head. "Nothing," I mutter. If she is persistent, I'll tell her about it when Kiba and Hinata aren't around.

I move towards my closet, dropping the pillow and casually slipping into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. I can feel Kiba burning holes into my back. When I turn around I apologize to Hinata. "Sorry if he put you out."

"He didn't!" she insists. "I just wanted to be sure he got home okay."

She's too nice. Even if she was mad, she'd never fucking say it.

"You don't have to apologize for me, Naruto!" Kiba snaps, letting go of Hinata and putting a hand on my doorframe to steady himself. "Don't treat me like some little kid!"

The girls have to leave, now. This is about to get messy and I don't want them involved. I look at Hinata and shake my head side to side slightly, wide-eyed. She backs up a bit into the living room and away from Kiba, but he doesn't seem to notice.

I turn to Shion. "I'm sorry," I say in a hushed voice, "I had a really fun time tonight and I want to keep talking but I have to take care of this."

"I'm literally RIGHT here," Kiba lets out a strained laugh, "Do'yah think I can't hear you?"

"I don't care if you can hear me." I roll my eyes and then look to Shion again. "I'll call you later."

"No he won't," Kiba shoot backs.

I laugh in disbelief, but I don't bother responding to that. I pick Shion's things up off the floor and hand them to her before walking Kiba out of my room so she has privacy. She looks unsettled. It makes me feel bad.

Hinata hovers awkwardly as I walk Kiba away from my room.

"What the hell is your problem?" I ask him flat out, jabbing a finger into his chest.

He smacks my hand away. "You! How many people are you even sleeping with? Should I get tested?"

Hinata looks startled. Shion reappears a moment later and stands beside her, staring at me critically. I wonder if Kiba even realizes what he's saying – what he's confessing to. I want to fucking strangle him for making me look like the bad guy here.

Akamaru appears and starts to whine at Kiba's feet, but Kiba ignores him.

"Jealous?" I ask him. If he's going to be a dick, then so am I.

"Of what?" he hisses, "Another fuck'em and chuck'em?"

Shion looks offended and I want to slug Kiba in the fucking face. This is so ridiculous I don't even know how to respond. I can't believe he's choosing to go down this road with me. He's going to regret it in the morning because it's not going to end well.

"Why the fuck do you seem to think I'm sleeping with so many different people?" I bite out, "You're fucking delusional!"

"Well aren't you?" he shouts back. "Since you're so likable or whatever!"

"No!" I exclaim. "I haven't slept with anyone else in months! Shion— literally just now until you decided to walk in and start being a jackass—and YOU."

Hinata covers her mouth with her hands and shares a look with Shion.

"Shut up," Kiba seethes. His eyes are glassy. He looks like he's going to start weeping any second and I don't even know why. I don't know what his problem is. I don't know why he's so upset.

I cross my arms, turning away from him and staring at the girls. "Look…" I start.

"We'll leave," Hinata says, reading my mind. She glances at Shion and puts a hand on her shoulder. "I'll take you home."

Shion looks distraught. She simply nods and the two of them slip into their shoes and disappear out the front door.

"Kiba, I swear to GOD…" I mutter angrily.

As soon as the front door to the apartment closes behind them I give Kiba's a forceful shove away from my room.

"What?" he spits at me.

"Don't you dare act like this is my fault!" I retort, pushing him again but this time not as hard.

"You ditched me to take some girl home?" he chokes out, his voice getting shaky. He sounds genuinely hurt. "I mean, come on!"

"I literally ASKED if you wanted to come home with me!" I shout, knotting my fingers in my hair. "You were the one that told me no! I thought you were hitting it off with Hinata!"

"No!" he exclaims. "You didn't tell me anyone was going with you!"

"Why the hell does that matter?" I ask him.

"It just… it just does!"

I scoff. I don't really know where to go from here. "But WHY? Do you like me or something?"

He continues to insist he doesn't, but his action continue to prove otherwise. I don't really know what to do with this lack of information he's giving me. Nothing he says is helping me to figure out why the fuck he's acting this way.

"No!" he insists for what feels like the millionth time.

"Then why the fuck does it matter who I sleep with?"

"Because you're sleeping with me!" he explains, sounding frantic.

"So?" I retort. "You literally said it doesn't mean anything. You're not interested in dating me. Why the fuck does it matter who _else_ I sleep with?"

He shakes his head, refusing to answer. Instead he brings a hand to his forehead and stares at me solemnly.

I stare back at him, unsure of how to proceed. "I'm never going to know what's going on in your brain if you don't tell me!" I decide to say, taking a few steps towards him.

He continues to shake his head no and moves away from me. "This is too much," he states simply.

"What is?"

"All of it – Sasuke, Shion," Kiba explains, although it doesn't really tell me what I need to know. "I should move back home."

My jaw drops. That's literally the last thing I want him to do.

"What? Why?" I ask, probably sounding desperate.

I don't want him back there with his parents – especially not after all the shit Hiro was telling me. They'll only screw him up even more. It's the last thing he needs.

"Because," he murmurs, "I feel like I'm losing it and you can't handle it."

I open my mouth to argue, but then I stop myself. I press my lips together, contemplating my next move. I let out a breath and then decide to say, "I'd be able to handle it if I knew exactly what I was handling."

He lets out a cut laugh. "Yeah, right… Well, too bad I can't tell you."

"Why?" I ask him. "For fuck's sake, Kiba…"

His jaw tightens and he glances down at his feet where Akamaru is still whining.

"I need to sit," he says suddenly, turning and walking back into my bedroom.

Akamaru follows after him and after a brief moment I do, too. He lies back on my bed and pats the comforter, Akamaru jumping up a second later. The dog situates himself across Kiba's chest and a second later I hear Kiba let out a deep sigh.

I sit on the edge of the bed and watch in silence as he stares up at the ceiling, unblinking.

"Are you okay?" I ask finally, peering over Akamaru's huge body.

"No," Kiba says flatly.

"Is this my fault?" I continue.

"No," he says again.

"You're not going to get better if you keep dealing with shit like this," I tell him bluntly. He doesn't respond. I guess I don't really expect him to. Maybe I'm being insensitive, but nothing else I've tried so far has sunk in.

I lean against the doorway with crossed arms, staring. This situation really sucks. I'm still pissed off, but I don't want to continue shouting and hollering at him. It's only making things shittier.

"I'm not _gay_ ," Kiba murmurs out of the blue, choosing to break the long silence. He bites out the word like it would be the worst thing in the world.

"Okay," I say. "Well, neither am I."

"Yeah, I got that," he bites back.

I let out a heavy sigh. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know if I can fix this. Kiba and I probably should have never slept together in the first place. I would take it back if I could.

"What do you want me to do?" I question.

Kiba tilts his head to look at me. "What do you mean?"

"What do you want me to do right now," I clarify. "Tell me how to help you."

His eyes return to the ceiling. "Just like—come lay in bed with me," he says quietly, "I don't want to talk about it anymore."

So I go over, climbing onto the bed and laying down beside him and Akamaru.

"You know you can't just avoid this forever," I tell him.

"I know," he replies.

.

.

Early in the morning, I wake up alone with Akamaru. When I get out of bed, he follows. I find Kiba in the bathroom. I hear him throwing up before I open the unlocked door.

"You good?" I ask him, peering inside.

"I feel like I'm losing it," he whispers, looking like he's talking to the toilet instead of me.

"Want me to get you anything? Water? Medicine?"

"Can you just… like… fucking kill me."

I snort. "Not gonna do that, man."

I sit on the floor with him. He tenses again, expelling more fluids into the toilet. I rub his back, thinking about the last time we were in this position.

"Maybe you should schedule regular therapy sessions," I suggest.

"No," he says flat-out.

"Why?" I ask, "It would probably help you."

"It's uncomfortable." He pulls a few squares of toilet paper off of the roll and wipes his mouth. "And expensive."

I wish I could suggest that he ask his parents to pay like they did for the first few sessions, but I don't really want to bring them into this. Frankly I'd be happy if Kiba never had to speak to them again, but I can't exactly scrape together the extra cash we would need for him to go biweekly.

"When you get a job we should put the money towards that," I reason, rubbing his back a little as he stands up from the bathroom floor.

"I want to help with rent," he tells me, sounding disheartened. "You're doing everything for me."

I shrug. "It's fine. I don't really care."

"But I do," he argues and I guess that overwrites anything I could possibly respond with.

"Well…" I pause, choosing my words carefully. "Let's budget, then. You can use half for therapy and half for rent."

He seems to consider it. "Maybe… We'll see."

I get up and bring him a glass of water. He seems to be feeling a little better, but he'll probably want to rest after he's done in here. He probably feels queasy.

"We should talk about last night," I say, sitting back down with him.

He looks at me with distaste. "I really don't think that's necessary."

"I think it is," I say somewhat firmly. "Look, man, I don't want to sound like an asshole, but this keeps happening and it's stressing me out."

"Then I'll leave," he retorts, biting the words out in a cold tone.

I let out a breath. "I don't want you to. I like living with you. We have fun and you're my best friend. I just want us to stop fighting."

"Then stop prying into my life," he mutters stubbornly.

I guess he got me there… but I still think he owes me some sort of explanation. I know what Hiro told me, but I still want to hear it from Kiba himself.

"Fine, whatever," I say with finality. "I'll stop."

Kiba scrunches up his nose and flushes the toilet. Then he turns to the sink and bends down to wash out his mouth with water.

"I'm tired," he says a moment later, turning off the tap.

"I bet," I agree. "Hangover?"

Kiba nods, putting a hand up to his forehead. "I need some Ibuprofen."

"How about a fried egg?" I offer. "Go lay down and I'll bring it to you."

He gives me a pathetic look. "Thanks you," he mumbles sheepishly.

As he heads back to his bedroom I set up in the kitchen, pulling the painkillers out of the cabinet along with a frying pan. It doesn't take me more than a couple of minutes to finish cooking, but by the time I get it on a plate and pour a glass of water Kiba is already passed out.

Great.

I shrug it off and head back into the kitchen. I sit at the table and eat it myself since I don't want it to go to waste.

.

.

Around 4PM, Kiba is still snoozing away. I'm lounging in the living room when I hear the buzzer. When I answer, I am more than surprised at who is waiting downstairs.

" _Hey, it_ _'_ _s Hiro._ _"_

"Oh, I'll buzz you in," I respond.

A few minutes later, there's a knock on my door. I let him in and say, "Kiba is asleep. He got trashed last night and we had a fight. He's sleeping it off. He was throwing up all morning."

Hiro snorts and rolls his eyes.

"Do you want anything?" I offer as he wanders into our apartment and finds a seat on the couch.

"I'm fine, but thank you." He waves at me dismissively, glancing around the room. "You cleaned up a bit since last time."

I put a tea kettle on the stove for myself and join him over in the living room. "Yeah!" I exclaim. "I had a little more free time this week."

Hiro nods, thoughtfully tapping his fingers on the arm of the couch. "So, what happened last night?" he pries.

"Ugh, it was stupid," I groan, plopping down next to him, "I took some girl home from a party and Kiba was pissed about it. Walked in on us. Pitched a big fit."

"Hmph," Hiro muses, "Did you resolve it?"

"Sort of," I say with a shrug. "It was weird. Kiba really freaked the girls out. I felt bad."

I need to give Shion a call. I wonder if she'll even want to talk to me after last night. She might. She might not. I hope she will, even if it's just to get some answers. I owe her some.

"Girls? There was more than one?" Hiro pauses and laughs. "You sure get around."

I snort. "No, no! I mean, I was with one and another friend of ours drove Kiba back here." I wrinkle my nose, recalling the night before. "I'll have a lot of explaining to do… Kiba just started blurting out all kinds of shit."

"I guess that's his own fault, then," Hiro says without sympathy.

"It is but like…" I pause, gauging how much I want to say here. "I feel like I have some responsibility, too. I mean, this apartment belongs to both of us. I probably should have made sure he was comfortable with me bringing someone back."

"Was that the issue?" Hiro asks, "That he didn't want someone else here?"

"Maybe." I shrug. "Well, not really. I don't know. Could have been part of it."

"Could it have been anything else?" He eyes me, and the question comes off a bit pushy.

"I don't know," I tell him again as the kettle starts to whistle. I stand up from the couch and go to take it off the stove. "Changed your mind about wanting some?" I ask.

Hiro shakes his head. "No thank you."

I fill myself a mug and then return to the living room, taking a seat back on the sofa.

"If he has an issue with it, then he needs to get over it," Hiro says simply. "You need to come up with some sort of bargain if he's going to lose his shit over it… but honestly, it's not really fair to you to stop doing something you want to do just so he won't act like a child."

It seems pretty damn harsh, but he's kind of right.

"I guess," I murmur.

"You can't constantly worry about how he'll react to every little thing. He needs to learn how to stand on his own and stop letting other peoples' choices affect him this deeply."

I nod my head slowly, contemplating his words.

"I know it sounds shitty of me, but if nothing else has worked then try a more radical approach," Hiro continues. "Ignore him," he suggests nonchalantly. "Tell him you're not going to put up with that anymore and that if he wants to stay friends he's going to need to get his shit together."

I wonder briefly if something like that would work. Kiba's kind of sensitive and I get the idea that he would respond poorly, but I guess Hiro probably knows best.

"Oh? Hm." I nod, hoping for a little more guidance.

"He's weak-willed," he continues, "Let me guess, until now whenever he acts up you just shrug it off, right?"

"Yeah," I confirm.

"Yeah, you've got to stop that." Hiro crosses his arms. "Be firm about it or whatever. No more poor baby Kiba."

"All right," I agree. "I'll see if it makes any difference."

"It will," he says surely.

I'm hoping he's right because I seriously can't keep doing this. It's making me crazy. I don't want to have to tip toe around him. I don't want to worry about accidentally setting him off. It would help if I knew what things I should avoid doing, but he won't even tell me THAT.

"So, why was Kiba being a brat last night?" Hiro probes.

"I still have no idea," I admit. "He wasn't giving me any answers… Well, at least none that made any sense of gave me any insight into the situation."

Hiro looks thoughtful. He peers at me and then says, "Well, does it have anything to do with the fact that you fucked him?"

I nearly jump out of my skin. "He… He told you that?"

"Hell no," Hiro says. "His mom told my parents and they told me."

"Jesus Christ," I mumble, letting out a soft chuckle. "Your family sure likes to gossip don't they?"

Hiro shrugs. "There are no secrets. Everyone knows everything."

"You're not planning on telling Kiba you know about that, are you?" I ask, sipping on my tea. This whole thing is kind of distressing. It feels like everyone's finding out about this all at once and I'm not really prepared for that. I haven't even told anyone in my own family yet.

"No," Hiro crosses his arms, "I'm sure he figures I already know."

"Seriously?"

"Well I don't know why he would expect anything different. It's typical for a thing like that to make its way around to all the relatives." He snorts, "So, answer my question. Do you think that had something to do with last night?"

"Probably," I admit. "I don't know why though."

"You must be stupid," Hiro retorts, causing me to scowl.

"Hey!"

"Isn't it clear?" he asks, dismissing my protest. "He's using you."

"Why?" I practically exclaim.

"He wants comfort," Hiro explains with ease. "He wants someone to distract him. He wants someone to be close to. He wants someone who is convenient. You provide him with that."

It hurts to hear, but it isn't exactly improbable.

"And he was probably mad about you sleeping with a girl because it felt like you were choosing someone else over him… and he doesn't want that to happen because right now you are his favourite toy."

"Toy…" I repeat in a murmur, feeling unsettled.

Hiro seems to know how Kiba's mind works. I don't want to believe him, but what reason do I have not to?

"Truth hurts, but that's just how he is," Hiro adds with a shrug.

"I don't know what to do," I admit weakly, rubbing a hand over my forehead.

"Tell him to stop being a whore."

I frown at that, glancing at him. "That's your cousin. You could show a little compassion."

Hiro cracks a smile and then laughs. "I'm kidding. Lighten up."

I continue scowling. This conversation didn't really end up going where I wanted it to. Now I just feel more conflicted than ever.

"Seriously though," Hiro side-eyes me, "Stop sleeping with him."

"I don't think that will be a problem after last night," I say, although I don't know if it's exactly true. I just want Hiro to be quiet. I have to think about this.

I don't really want to hook up with Kiba again after hearing all of this, but it's not like it was a usual thing anyway. That's part of what's so confusing about all of this for me. The first time I initiated, the second time he did. This feels fair. It doesn't out rightly seem like either of us is using the other.

"Good," Hiro says with finality.

I think he's just trying to look out for his cousin and I guess I can admire that, even if he'd being a huge jerk about it. I guess that's not exactly surprising, though. Kiba seems to be related to a lot of assholes. At least he has someone amidst it all looking out for him.

Before the conversation can carry on, I hear a nearby door creak open When I peek my head around the corner, I spot Kiba's bedroom door opening. He rubs his eyes as he moves towards the living room and when he spots his cousin he looks startled.

"What are you doing here?" he asks after a moment. His voice is soft and tired.

"Visiting," Hiro says simply. "Am I not allowed?"

"That's not what I meant," Kiba mumbles.

"I came to see you," Hiro explains, standing up from the couch. "When you were asleep I figured I'd sit around and chat with Naruto a while."

Kiba shoots me a wary look but doesn't remark on that. "Where are the painkillers?" he asks instead.

"Cabinet above the sink." I indicate to the kitchen.

As Kiba shuffles over, Hiro watches him. "Heard you had a rough night last night," he remarks.

Kiba doesn't seem amused and I immediately regret saying anything about it to Hiro. I should have kept my mouth shut. Of course he would bring it up.

"Not that rough," Kiba lies.

"'Not that rough.' Aw," Hiro mocks, the tone of his voice laced with sarcasm. "Is that why you slept until five o'clock in the evening? You need to take better care of yourself."

Kiba looks embarrassed but doesn't respond. Instead he just turns around and pours himself a glass of water, downing what almost looks like a handful of Ibuprofen.

"Don't take too many of those, man," I say to him.

He ignores me. He seems like he's on edge. Maybe it's because he's embarrassed. Hiro IS being a bit of a jerk, so I kind of see why.

Kiba looks like he's going to turn back down the hall and go into his room, but Hiro stops him.

"Kiba," he says. "Sit. I came to visit you. It's rude if you go hide in your room again."

Kiba still doesn't say anything. He sits down on the sofa next to Hiro and stares off into what looks like blank space.

"So, come on, talk," Hiro requests. "You're being so quiet."

"I don't FEEL well," Kiba explains in mumbles.

"Well, that is your own fault, isn't it?"

Kiba shrugs, like he knows it's true but doesn't want to outwardly say it.

"Don't be that way," Hiro says harshly, tapping his fingers against his knee, "I don't have the patience for it."

It's weird to watch someone treat Kiba that way and to not have him get worked up into a tizzy. It surprises me that he can tolerate being talked to like this but loses his mind over someone like Sasuke.

They continue to stare awkwardly at one another, neither of them speaking. Kiba looks beyond uncomfortable, although I don't really know why. Hiro's being harsh but if Kiba's known him forever it shouldn't be a big deal.

"Okay," Hiro finally says in a huff, "Guess I'll be going then."

"Good riddance," Kiba mutters.

"Stop being a little asshole," Hiro retorts.

I walk him to the door and when he's gone I eye Kiba.

Should I take Hiro's suggestions into consideration? It seems to work for him, but I'm not family, so I don't know how well he'd take to me suddenly acting like that.

"What?" he bites.

"Calm the fuck down," I say. "Do you have to be so god damn rude all the time?"

"It's just who I am," he murmurs thoughtlessly.

"No, it's not, but whatever."

I walk into the kitchen to finish my tea there. By now it's kind of cold, but whatever. When I'm done I put the cup in the sink and then do the few dishes that have been left behind. I cook a light dinner, asking Kiba if he wants anything. He doesn't. He's probably still a bit queasy from his hangover.

Towards the night time, Kiba is locked away in his room. I leave him be for a while and watch some TV instead.

When it starts to get late I decide to turn in for the night, pressing the off button on the remote and retiring to my room. As I walk down the hall, however, I linger briefly outside of Kiba's door. I can hear him talking to someone in a hushed voice, but it's still loud enough for me to make out.

"Whatever," he says, sounding annoyed, "Don't just pop in like that."

"It's not my fault you were asleep," comes a more digital sounding voice. Based on the context of the conversation I figure it must be Hiro. "Next time answer your phone."

"If I don't answer, don't come over," Kiba hisses.

"Aw, but Naruto and I were having such a pleasant talk," he muses.

"Doubt it," Kiba retorts, spitting the words out.

"No, it's true," Hiro insists. "I was telling him all kinds of things about you."

I press my ear against the door. I feel bad eavesdropping, but I don't want their conversation to turn sour because of me.

"Like what?" Kiba asks, sounding somewhat wary.

Hiro decides not to answer him and instead leaves him hanging. "So, Tsume told my parents you're a fag," he adds offhandedly.

Jeez…! This guy is a real piece of work. He was rubbing me the wrong way earlier, but I didn't think he'd turn around and say a thing like this. I have no idea whether or not I should barge in. Would I make things worse?

"What?" Kiba chokes out, sounding afraid.

"Yeah," Hiro confirms, "Guess they think it's my fault or something."

I blink. What? How could something like that have anything to do with Hiro? The only thing I can think of is that maybe he's gay too? Do Kiba's parents think that growing up around another gay person would have made Kiba gay? If they do, that's pretty fucked up.

"It has nothing to do with you!" Kiba says frantically. "Why are they dragging everyone into this?"

"You know our family," Hiro says nonchalantly.

"Shut up," Kiba demands, "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

They're both silent for a moment and I start to wonder if Kiba hung up on him, but after a minute I hear Hiro's voice again. "Remember when you used to come over all the time when you were little?"

"I REALLY don't want to talk about this," Kiba repeats, his voice catching.

It seems like an innocent enough memory. I don't know why Kiba is getting so upset over it.

"I had that real toolbox I let you build stuff with it," Hiro continues.

"I don't care," Kiba seethes. He lets out a strangled sound that may or may not be a sob.

"Yeah, you do," Hiro insists. "If you didn't care, then you wouldn't always get so emotional."

"Stop coming over here," Kiba pleads.

"Why?"

"Because I hate you!"

"No, you don't."

"Yeah, I do!"

I wonder if Kiba realizes how loud he's being. Even if I wasn't trying to eavesdrop, I'd be able to make out everything he's saying. I decide now might be a good time to knock on the door. So, I do and then I ask, "Kiba, you okay in there?"

All of a sudden he goes very quiet and I hear his laptop slam shut. "Yeah…" he calls back shakily.

"Can I come in?"

"No."

I don't really know what to make of that. I should probably go in anyway, right? I have to check on him.

I open the door a crack and peer in. Kiba's curled up in his bed facing the wall with Akamaru at his feet.

"Go away," he tells me almost immediately.

"Do you want to talk?" I ask.

"How much of that did you hear?" Kiba responds with his own question, completely bypassing mine.

"I don't know," I murmur, "Some?"

"Some," he repeats.

"That was Hiro, right?" I clarify, stepping further into the room.

"Please. Go." Kiba curls up tighter in his comforter, displacing Akamaru slightly.

I don't really get it, but I nonetheless decide to drop it and leave him alone. Fuck it.

.

.

On Saturday, I'm listening to the radio. Apparently they are getting ready for the pride parade downtown. I'd like to go. I've never been to a pride parade.

I go into the living room where Kiba is watching TV. "Hey," I say to him. "Wanna go to the parade?"

"What parade?" he asks, glancing at me.

"Pride parade."

"Hell no! I don't want to go to that thing," he says, sounding shocked I'd even ask.

It's kind of disheartening, but I don't nag him. Instead, I decide to shoot Sasuke a text inviting him to go with me. I haven't seen him in a bit, so it'd be nice to see him again.

He replies almost immediately, which is surprising considering all the times he's left me on read in the past.

" _Sounds fun_ ," he says, straight to the point.

Sweet! I'm glad I'm going to have someone to go with. It'll make the whole experience a lot more fun.

" _Want to meet there?_ _"_ I tap back quickly, not wanting to keep him waiting.

I set my phone down and stick a piece of bread in the toaster. I'm going to have to hurry through my morning a little if I want to make it on time. When I return to check my messages, Sasuke's reads " _Yes, 1_?" followed by a little clock emoji.

I send him back a thumbs up and the emoji of the two men holding hands.

After eating a quick breakfast, I head to the bathroom to shower. I throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt before slipping into my sneakers by the front door.

I really don't want to drive downtown – especially not today. The streets are going to be packed. It'll be quicker to take a bus, so I grab a few coins for the trip.

"You're going alone?" Kiba asks.

"No, I'm meeting Sasuke."

"Oh," he says, not saying anything more than that.

I grab my keys, pocket my phone and head out.


	17. Chapter 17: Sasuke

**Sasuke's POV**

After I finish making plans with Naruto, I throw my phone onto my bed and rifle around in my closet trying to find something appropriate to wear.

I can't believe I'm going to pride. Last year I never would have dreamed of doing something like this. Unfortunately, because of that I own absolutely nothing that would be considered festive.

I end up settling on a black quarter-sleeve shirt and pair of shorts, taking a quick moment to glance at myself in mirror.

I look fine. Good, even. Better than I have for a while, probably. I'm kind of a bad judge.

I want to look good though. I want Naruto to think I have my shit together.

Once I fix my hair the way I like it, I collect my phone and wallet and head down to the kitchen.

I eat a small bowl of cereal and down a cup of water before leaving. My parents aren't around today, which is nice. My dad is on a business trip and my mom is holding down the fort at the office. Itachi went along with my dad, so I won't see either of them for a while. It makes things easier for me. My mom doesn't pry as much as Itachi and she isn't angry like Dad.

I head for the bus, making it just in time. I board and take a seat at the front, staring out the windows.

My anxiety is getting worse. I think it's manifesting to a point where I'm getting physical symptoms. Sometimes I get sick if the situation is bad enough. I'm hoping that doesn't happen today.

I'm going to try and have a good time.

Things are okay right now, though. My STD test came back clean. I kind of knew it would, but I wasn't positive and that inkling of potential was enough to keep me severely on edge.

When the doctor called me the first time I was in the shower and missed it. They left me a message asking me to return the call, but their tone sounded severe and I thought something was wrong. I spent about two hours having one of the worst panic attacks of my life before I was finally able to call them back.

I don't even know what I would have done if I had caught something from the sicko who did this to me. It would be terrible. Even worse if it was an infection that couldn't be cured. It'd feel like I was carrying something from him with me forever.

I would literally kill myself. I wouldn't be able to cope. I'm already having a hard enough time as is.

I stare out the windows and watch the buildings as they pass, trying to not make eye contact with anyone on the bus. I'm not in the mood to engage right now.

I still haven't decided what I want to do about school next semester. Part of me wants to go back, but another part of me knows I shouldn't. I don't know if I'm ready. I think I might just flunk out.

I don't want to keep wasting my parents' money only to disappoint them at the end of each semester. It isn't worth it. I need to really think about things clearly. I need to weigh my options and be realistic about it. I can't make my decision based on guilt. I need to do what's best for my mental health.

It sucks, though, because I like having things to work towards, but lately I'm so unmotivated. It's disheartening. It makes me hate myself, but I don't know what to do about it.

The bus ride is about a half an hour because the streets are busy, but soon enough the bus nears my stop and I pull the cord. I thank the driver and greet the streets.

As I walk in the direction I know the parade will start, I pull out my phone and find Naruto's name in my contact list, hitting the call button.

I hold the phone up to my head and it rings a few times before the receiver picks up on the other end.

" _Hello?"_ he says.

"It's Sasuke," I tell him for no reason in particular. I know he knows that it's me. "I just got off the bus, are you here yet?"

" _Yeah!_ _"_ he cheers, sounding excited, " _I'_ _m hanging out in front of that Chinese restaurant on 4th. Meet me here?_ _"_

"Yeah, I'm right around the corner," I say, looking up at the street signs briefly to orient myself. "I'll be right there."

" _Okay, see you in a few!_ _"_

"Yeah."

With that, I hang up and pocket my cellphone. I feel nervous for some reason. I don't know why. It's not like I haven't hung out with Naruto before. Then again, this time is a little different, I suppose. This time, we're not closed off in a café, some grimy bar or in his apartment. We're at the pride parade.

Being down here on this day feels like telling a secret I never thought I'd be able to talk about. The confession came easy when I told Naruto, though.

I'm gay.

I'm GAY.

Gay.

It doesn't sound like the worst thing anymore. I'm not doomed. It's not the end of the world. I don't need to pretend to be something I'm not.

I wonder if I'll see anyone I know. I wonder if they'll assume things. If they do, I'll just shrug it off. I'll let them think things. I'll no longer deny it.

When I reach the Chinese restaurant, I glance around before spotting a familiar head of blond hair.

"Oi, Sasuke!" he shouts, noticing me quickly and waving his arms in the air.

"I see you." I put up a hand and wave back. "Calm down."

As I approach him, I notice that he's grinning from ear to ear. He must be really excited for all of this.

"How was your ride?" he asks. "If I had known you were going to have to take the bus I would have offered to pick you up."

"It was fine," I reassure him, "I take the bus all the time. I'm used to it and don't mind."

Naruto nods, but doesn't seem to really be listening. His eyes keep darting up and down the street.

"You excited?" I ask in an attempt to get his attention again.

"Is it obvious?" Naruto laughs, finally turning back to me. "This is my first time at something like this."

"Me, too," I admit.

"I guess that's not that surprising," he jokes, giving me a friendly shove.

I guess he's right about that.

"Let's go," he continues, coming behind me and grabbing me by the shoulders. He steers me down the street and through the crowds. "I want to get a good spot."

We swerve through crowds of people until we settle on a stairway off of the sidewalk leading up to some historical monument.

"This is perfect," he declares. "Close enough to see everything and high enough so no one will get in the way."

He sits down on the granite stairs and I sit down with him.

"I'm surprised you asked me to come with you," I say.

"I asked Kiba if he wanted to come, but he said hell no," Naruto replies with a snort. "I expected that, though. You'll be way better company."

That makes me feel good I guess. I don't generally consider myself to be very fun to hang out with. Sometimes I don't even know how Karin tolerates me.

"He didn't want to come?" I question, wanting more information.

"Yeah," Naruto rolls his eyes, "He says he's not gay or whatever. Maybe he's not. I don't even fucking know anymore."

"Well he's sleeping with you," I shrug.

"Not recently." He shakes his. "And maybe not again. He's acting fucking crazy."

"Huh," I mumble. I want to know what Naruto considers crazy. I wonder if he would think I was crazy if he knew all the shit that goes on in my life.

He doesn't elaborate though. He probably doesn't want to sound like he's bitching about his best friend.

"Is it hard rooming with him?" I pry a bit.

"Not usually," Naruto says, "but we fight a bit more. I don't think it's because we live together, though. It's just because he's really moody lately. Plus, he NEVER fucking talks to me about ANYTHING. It's hard. I wish I knew what he was dealing with so I'd know if what I was saying or doing was making it worse."

"Yeah," I murmur, not sure what else to say to that.

Not everyone is an open book like Naruto is. I'm certainly not, that is for damn sure.

"I just wish he'd let me in," Naruto continues. "I want to know when he's not okay. I want him to tell me these things instead of making me find out when we're in the middle of yet another argument."

I nod my head slowly. "Sounds irritating."

"Yeah, but whatcha gonna do?" he relents.

I stare down the street as more and more people accumulate to watch the parade. I never knew this was such a big event. Are all of these people gay, or are they just here to support?

"Enough about me," Naruto says after a minute, probably sensing that the conversation isn't going anywhere, "I haven't seen you in weeks. What have you been up to?"

"Not a lot," I tell him, and it's the truth. I've barely been leaving the house. "Karin came over last Sunday."

"Oh, sweet!" he exclaims. "I've been busy lately and haven't been over to my family's house. How's she doing?"

"Well," I say, although I don't really know. She didn't say much about herself. When she came over it was before I had gotten my test results and we mostly talked about how nervous I was to hear back. There's no way in hell I'm telling Naruto that, though.

I cried a bit when I heard I was clean. That sounds stupid, but it's true. I was really losing my shit over it. Condoms break, so even if the guy wore one there was still a chance. I want to throw up thinking about it, so I push the thoughts aside.

"What did you guys do?" Naruto asks.

"Just hung out in my room," I say with a shrug.

"I should probably go visit soon," Naruto muses. "I've just been preoccupied."

I nod my head. "Sounds like it."

"I'm going to try to compartmentalize, though," he continues. "I need to make time for everyone and not just let one thing suck up all my energy."

I wonder if he's talking about Kiba, but I don't ask. I just nod again.

A few minutes pass and I start to see the front of the parade coming down the street. There are various vehicles with masses of rainbow balloons tied to them, many of which have the logos of companies from around town that I guess are big supporters of LGBT rights.

I'll have to try and remember which businesses they are so that I can visit them later.

Surrounding the cars and even sometimes riding on top of them there are people waving flags. Lots of them are cheering and waving at the crowd.

"Wow this is fucking awesome," Naruto says, getting excited and stand up from the steps we're sitting on to get a better look.

He's right, it is awesome. I never realized so many people in our city were this open-minded.

It's reassuring. I suppose there's no way I would have known. I kept it all in for so long. I denied it. I didn't want anything to do with it. The only times I was actually confronted with it is when I had a guy's dick in my ass. I always got angry at myself after. I felt like I was doing something I shouldn't have been doing. So, I'd find a girl afterward and I'd sleep with her to try and compensate. It's stupid. I don't ever want to do that to myself again.

I worry what my parents will say, but I won't tell them until I'm in a committed relationship. They don't need to know. Not yet.

"Does your family know that like…" I ask, turning towards Naruto, "Do they know you hook up with men?"

Naruto, who was busy waving at the people marching in the parade, puts his hands down and turns to me. "No," he confesses, "I haven't told any of them."

"I still haven't either," I tell him, "I don't really want to."

"No?" he questions.

"I think they'd react poorly," I admit, since they haven't really ever done anything to prove me otherwise. "I don't think I'll tell them until I really have to."

"When would you have to?"

I shrug. "When I'm dating someone, maybe."

Naruto stares at me, looking kind of sad and not saying a word.

"Dating them seriously," I clarify.

"Fair…" he says. "I guess I'm lucky. My family is pretty easy going. I mean, Karin is gay and everyone is cool with it. So, I know they'll be cool if I started dating a guy, too." He pauses and then asks, "Would your parents be mad?"

"My dad would, I think…" I admit with a shrug. "I mean, no one in my family is gay… or if they are, they haven't come out. I feel like that's a huge possibility. My family is so strict. Everyone is scared to get disowned for stepping out of line."

It makes me wonder if Itachi is happy… or if he even knows what it feels like to BE happy. He keeps himself on a tight leash. I've never seen him step out of line, not once. It used to make me jealous, but now it just makes me feel kind of sorry for him.

The parade goes on for what feels like forever, and towards the rear there's a number of tall, extravagantly dressed women walking together and blowing kisses to the crowd.

I watch them for a walk by, not thinking anything of it before Naruto turns to me and gives my arm a shake. "Are they drag queens!?" he asks urgently.

I take a second look and upon closer inspection realize that he's absolutely right.

"Wow," I say in surprise, "I couldn't even tell."

"I couldn't either at first! Their makeup is so good," Naruto exclaims. "That's so cool. I've never met anyone who did drag before."

"Me neither." I shake my head, taking a second look at decal sported by the car they're walking near which in very curly lettering reads "Jox."

"They probably all work at whatever that place is," I remark.

Naruto seems to lock eyes with one of the drag queens wearing what looks like flashy vintage lingerie and a feather boa. After a moment, he points. The drag queen points back and then grins widely, approaching the side lines.

"Naruto! Been a while."

I guess they know one another.

"Jeez, I barely recognize you!" Naruto says with a laugh. Then he glances at me and says, "Sasuke, this is Haku. I knew him when I was in junior high."

I nod my head. "Nice to meet you."

"Likewise! Are you Naruto's boyfriend?"

"Oh, uh… No, we're friends."

Haku nods, still smiling. "Didn't expect to see you here," he then says to Naruto.

Naruto laughs, sheepishly rubbing the back of his head. "Yeah, well, me neither, to be honest!"

"Are you doing anything tonight?" Haku asks, eyes darting back and forth between us.

"We don't have anything planned," Naruto replies eagerly.

"Well then you should come to the bar I perform at!" He flips the boa off his shoulders and over Naruto's head. "We're going to have a special show for pride weekend!"

"That's awesome!" Naruto nods, "Where is it? We'll totally come."

"Just a few blocks from here. 7th and Alder." Haku ruffles the feathers around Naruto's neck, "Starts at eight, I go on at nine. Be there!"

With that he flips the boa back over his own head and spins around, hustling in his high heels back to his spot in the parade.

Naruto watches as he goes and I do, too. I have no idea how someone can be that self-assured. He oozes confidence and it makes me feel a little jealous.

Naruto smile wryly at me. "I had such a crush on him when I was a kid. I wrote it off because he looks so feminine, though, even when he isn't dressed in drag. When we first met, I thought he was a girl. Then he told me he wasn't. I was surprised. I didn't think guys like that existed… Heh."

"Yeah, he's pretty," I comment.

It's true. Even without the drag makeup, he's probably incredibly pretty.

"I like pretty boys," Naruto says with a laugh. "Kiba says that's my type." He glances at me and asks, "What's your type?"

"I don't know," I admit. "I tend to like guys who are basically the opposite of me."

"Yeah?" Naruto pries.

"Um, people who are outgoing and laid back…I guess," I explain. "You know, that guy who everyone at the party knows and likes. He could have anyone he wants but he chooses me, and maybe isn't afraid to be persistent because I always sort of inadvertently end up playing hard to get. I like it when people make the first move too but no one ever does because I intimidate everyone."

Naruto lets out a chuckle. "Well you are pretty intimidating."

I scoff, shoving my hands in my pockets, "I know."

"It's not bad," he reassures me. "People just don't know you."

"Because I don't let them," I murmur.

Naruto tilts his head to the side a little, staring at me critically. "You have a pretty specific type you know."

"You do, too," I retort.

He doesn't bother insisting otherwise. "I suppose," he relents. "Want to grab a bite? We can chill out a bit more until going to the bar later on tonight."

"Sure," I accept.

Naruto picks the destination. We head to a kitschy café nearby and we order some finger food. Naruto pays, which surprises me. "My treat," he insists.

"Oh… okay," I reply. "Thank you."

He waves a dismissive hand and we wait for our food. When it's made, we sit down in the corner of the café near some potted plants and large windows.

"What did you think of the parade?" he asks.

"It was nice," I say. "I'm glad you asked me to go."

"Well, I'm glad you accepted," he responds with a grin.

"I didn't realize how many people went to that sort of thing," I admit, picking up a chip from the plate that has the sandwich Naruto ordered on it. "I sort of thought it would be awkward."

"I'm happy it wasn't." Naruto playfully raises an eyebrow as he sees me steal little bits of his side order. "It was cool to see Haku. The show tonight will be neat."

"Yeah," I agree.

"Drag is pretty cool, I wonder if I could ever get into something like that." He muses to himself and then chuckles. "Nah…probably not."

I crack a smile at that too. "It doesn't really seem like your thing," I comment.

"I couldn't put on that much makeup." He flutters his eyelashes at me. "It would ruin my natural beauty."

I let out a short laugh. "Oh, yeah."

"But in all seriousness, you could probably do it," he says as an afterthought.

"Why? Am I less naturally pretty or something?" I joke.

"No, no!" he says. He reaches across the table and nudges me. "You're really pretty! Like Haku!" He pauses, looking a little flustered. "You know what I mean! You just have a good face for it."

I can't help but chuckle at that. I tilt my head to the side, pretending to consider it, even though I'm definitely not. "I can't see myself being comfortable parading around in front of people like that. I don't like to be the center of attention."

Yet I want to be a fucking lawyer.

Naruto snickers. "Yeah, I can't see you enjoying that, either… but you'd probably look great!"

"Well, thanks," I say.

He wiggles his eyebrows lewdly and then laughs again, picking up his sandwich and taking a messy bite out of it.

We finish eating, talking casually about whatever comes to mind. We sit around the café for a good two hours before deciding to head out.

"Want to go over to that bar now?" Naruto asks as we stand in front of the cafe, trying to decide on where to head next.

"We'll be a little early," I comment, looking at my phone and noting that we still have about an hour.

"That's fine," he laughs, "We can have some drinks so that we're already having a good time when the performance starts!"

I nod. "Yeah, sounds good."

We walk in the direction that Haku described and after not too long end up in front of a somewhat seedy building that has a rainbow flag hung over the door.

"This must be it," Naruto comments, glancing at the street signs.

"I think it is," I tell him, pointing to the flag and then the blacked out windows, "It's definitely a bar of some sort."

"You're right," he chuckles, reaching for the door and holding it open, "After you."

I roll my eyes at him and walk inside. This is definitely the place Haku was talking about. There's a shirtless man in rainbow suspenders working a bar lit by bulbs that change colors every couple of seconds. On the far side of the room, there's a raised platform that's set up a little like a stage with tables and chairs all around it.

"What do you want to drink?" Naruto asks me, walking towards the man in the suspenders, "First one's on me."

"Uh, what kind of beer do you have?" I ask him.

"Canned," he tells me, somewhat unenthused, "We do more cocktails."

"I'll have a tequila sunrise," Naruto says not missing a beat, and then turns to look at me, "Get him like…"

"A gin and soda is fine," I finish for him.

The bartender serves us both our drinks and we take a seat somewhat near the stage. A number of people are already in here but it seems based on the number of tables that it will get a lot more crowded.

"I've never been to a place like this," he says, glancing around. He looks so giddy, it is kind of endearing.

"Me neither," I reply.

A year ago if someone told me I'd be at a place like this with Naruto I would have laughed in their face. Even now, it's hard to believe. First the parade and now a gay bar to watch a drag show.

I don't feel uncomfortable like I thought I might, though. I actually feel the opposite. I don't know if it's because of me or if being with someone like Naruto - who is so easy going and confident - is perhaps making it easier.

It feels like a transition. Like I'm leaving some fake life behind and starting to embrace myself.

Karin would be proud of me. I wonder what she would think of me being here with Naruto. Probably really surprised. She might be mad that I took so long to tell her I was gay. I'd like to think she wouldn't, but it's a huge possibility.

There's no reason I didn't tell her sooner, really. I was just too ashamed. I knew she wouldn't hassle me over it. I mean, she's gay too, so why would she?

Naruto hasn't told her either yet though, which I guess proves that's it's just not that easy even when you know people will react well.

"Want another drink?" Naruto asks me, swirling the ice around in his glass. "I want to get a good buzz going before the show."

"Sure," I comply, "Uh, you pick."

Naruto orders two blue balls. The name alone puts me off. When our drinks arrive I take a sip of the blue liquid and say, "It's really sweet."

"I like sweet stuff," Naruto says, taking a drink of his. He lets out a little laugh and then admits, "I thought the name was funny."

"Blue balls?" I repeat.

He nods, looking humoured. "It got me curious."

I let out a laugh.

He's so ridiculous.

"Well, do you like it?" I ask.

"Yeah, it is pretty good!" he says, swirling his cup around and staring at its contents.

I take another sip. It reminds me of candy - those gummy sharks Naruto bought me the other week. It's not bad.

I watch Naruto as he works on his drink, eyes zipping around the room trying to take everything in. I kind of wish I had started hanging out with him sooner. He's a good guy.

Around 7:45, the bar really starts to fill up. There's a line out the door that a bouncer is trying to manage and suddenly I'm very glad we got here so early. If we had shown up right at the start of the show I'm not sure we would have even be let in. It looks like they'll probably hit max capacity soon.

"Good thing we got a seat," Naruto comments.

"Seriously," I agree. "I didn't realize this would be such a big event."

"Guess people love drag." He shrugs, finishing off what's left in his glass.

I feel pretty good right now. I don't typically do this kind of shit, so I'm curious for the show to start. I don't really know what to expect. I've never even seen drag queens in person before until earlier on today. I used to totally avoid this scene because it made it easier to keep denying that I was a part of the community.

Maybe if I continue to embrace it, I'll have an easier time coming out when it does happen. Whenever that may be.

We order a couple more drinks and then the stage lights start to flash, signalling that the show is about to start.

"I'm so pumped," Naruto says, voicing his every thought.

The first person to come out on the stage is a tall but rather plump performer sporting a floor length blue sequin gown.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he says into a microphone, "Welcome to our pride weekend event!"

The crowd whoops and hollers and two men sitting together near the stage shout out various performers' names and clap. They must be regulars.

"You're in for a treat tonight," the drag queen in the blue dress says with a wink, giving his hips a little shake.

I glance over to Naruto. His eyes are wide open. I don't think I've ever seen him so excited. It's cute. He seems really invested.

I continue sipping on my drink, staring at the stage. Jazzy music plays as a husky voice sings. Performers appear, doing some sort of burlesque dance. They are all dressed in various colored scanty outfits – lace, lingerie, tulle and big hair. I think back to what Naruto said – that I'd look good in drag. I can't really picture it. I'm too rigid. I don't have the personality it requires to be a good performer of any kind. I kind of wish I did, though. The people on stage seem so beloved by the crowd. Everyone is so bewitched.

"Wow…" I hear Naruto murmur. He looks like he's in awe.

I glance at him, smiling slightly. "Enjoying?"

"It's so cool!" he says giddily.

Eventually Haku comes on stage and the rest of the performers clear off. It must be some sort of special act.

He's traded in his vintage lingerie and boa for tight silk gown that has the shape of a bow jewelled down his front, the loops circling around what I'm assuming is a silicone breast plate he's wearing.

"Hello boys," Haku says seductively as he takes the microphone from the previous queens, "Thanks for coming out tonight."

I bring my cocktail to my mouth and side-eye Naruto, who is obviously super into it.

"He looks so hot," Naruto says, essentially to himself because his eyes don't leave the stage.

I sip on my drink. I can't help but wonder what Naruto would think of me if I dressed up like that. I want to know if he'd think I was as good-looking as Haku.

I can't deny that he's attractive. He looks beautiful all done up like that. He lip syncs to some songs and instead of sticking to the stage, he wanders onto the floor and amongst the crowd. People put money in his clothing and he seems to welcome the gestures. There is something incredibly sexual about each motion he makes. He knows what he wants and he knows how to get it. I'll admit that I'm kind of jealous.

When he nears our table, he dips low into Naruto's lap, giving him some sort of private dance. Naruto looks into it. I guess he's not shy.

Now I feel really jealous. I don't let it show, though. I just keep smiling.

After a moment, Haku moves on, but not before trailing a finger up and around Naruto's ear.

I watch him as he struts away, finding another willing participant to play with in the crowd. He whispers something in this man's ear and then plants a dainty kiss on his cheek.

"Oh my goood," Naruto gushes. "That was the best experience of my life."

I try hard not to frown at that. I shouldn't feel this way. Haku's just doing his job. He gets paid for this. It's not like he's actually coming onto Naruto. Even if he was, I don't have the right to be upset over it. It's not like we're dating.

Haku walks back up to the stage and it's pretty obvious that Naruto is looking at his ass. I guess I am too. I think everyone is.

He finishes his act and disappears backstage. There are other small acts that follow and they're all just as perfect and polished as the last.

When the show is over, the crowd lingers in the bar. It grows louder, people drink and talk and laugh.

"That was so awesome," Naruto says.

"Yeah, it was," I agree.

We order a couple more drinks. I feel a bit drunk, but I'm not trashed… yet. Right now, I just feel warm and pleasant.

"Man, I feel like I've been missing out," Naruto continues.

"Me, too," I confess. "I wish I didn't spend so much time trying to repress myself."

Naruto looks sympathetic as he nods his head in an understanding manner. "Do you think it'll get easier for you from here?"

"I don't know," I admit. "Sometimes I feel like it'll get harder because I CAN'T deny it anymore. I feel like when I tell my parents, shit will hit the fan. It worries me."

"Yeah, I'm sorry," he says. "That's a shitty situation. Just take your time with it. You don't owe people answers. Just tell them when you are ready to."

"I will," I say.

Part of me wants a relationship because I hate being alone and for the first time in my life there is actually someone I am interested in… but then another part of me doesn't want a relationship because I won't be able to hide it forever.

"I'll probably won't end up telling them for a while," I continue, leaning back in my chair.

Naruto looks contemplative, holding his drink up to his mouth. "You've been with like, a lot of guys, right?" He asks somewhat out of the blue.

"I wouldn't necessarily say I lot," I respond, sort of taken aback.

"Guys from our school?" he presses.

I nod. "Yeah, mostly sophomores," I tell him. "Mostly people I didn't really know and you probably wouldn't know now."

"I just can't believe that I didn't know any gay guys at school. Then I ran into Gaara." Naruto chuckles, setting his drink down. "And that was all so random, though. I just walked over to say hi to him and I guess we were both fucked up enough to go for it."

This surprises me. "Gaara was your first?"

"Yeah," he admits.

"That's funny," I swirl the ice in my drink, "I've hooked up with him, too."

Naruto laughs at that. "No way!" he exclaims, leaning towards me. "We're eskimo brothers!"

I laugh at that. "Yeah, I guess so."

"Only happened once, though," Naruto continues. "He said I could head to his room if I wanted more action, but I never took him up on the offer. I ended up sleeping with Kiba instead." He laughs and then wrinkles his nose.

"Things okay with Kiba?" I probe.

"I guess," he says. "He flipped out at me for bringing a girl home the other week, though. I don't really know what that was all about."

"You brought a girl home?" I ask.

He nods his head. "I ended up at a party with Kiba. I met a cool chick named Shion and took her back to my place. Kiba didn't want to leave yet, but later on in the night when he got home he literally walked in on us when we were both still stark nude. Like, at least we were finished screwing, but still…!"

I'm surprised to hear all of this. I knew Naruto was questioning whether or not he was fully gay but I didn't think he'd be testing it out so soon. I want to ask him directly if he thinks he's bi, but I feel like I should wait so that I don't seem so eager.

"He just walked in on you?" I decide to ask instead.

Naruto shrugs. "He was pretty drunk. That part I don't think he meant to do. I don't know if he heard me talking to Shion and wondered what was up or if he wanted to try to hook up with me because he was so fucking wasted. He's always a huge wreck when we end up doing shit together. I have no idea what his plan was that night, though, because he was with Hinata."

It makes me wonder if they're still sleeping together much. They probably are. It seems like they are.

"Oh," I say, unsure what else to come up with.

"I think we really freaked the girls out with our fighting," he continues, sighing. "Kiba literally blurted it out that we were messing around. He couldn't keep his mouth shut."

"Oh," I say again. "That is unfortunate."

"Yeah, it is!" he exclaims, shaking his head. "He's being such a dildo lately."

That doesn't seem like news to me, but I simply nod along to what he's saying. "He seems like a pretty volatile person."

"He realllllly is," Naruto confirms.

We order more drinks after downing the ones in front of us. More weird cocktails. Naruto does most of the picking and choosing and we try one another's drinks when we aren't drinking the same things.

"So, do you think he likes you?" I decide to ask after taking a few sips of what Naruto just brought back to the table. I'm starting to feel pretty tipsy. I've had quite a few drinks already. I don't quite remember.

"Kiba?" He starts shaking his head. "No, no, no. That's what I thought at first but he keeps telling me he doesn't. At this point I don't know why he wouldn't just be honest with me."

"Well—" I bring my hand to my chin and rest my elbow on the table, "You don't really like him, do you? He probably thinks you'd reject him or something."

Naruto shrugs. "I mean, I guess," he mumbles. "Seems doubtful to me."

"Why?" I question. That's what makes most sense to me anyway. I don't see how Naruto can be so quick to disagree.

"Something sort of weird happened." He spends a second gazing off into empty space before his eyes snap back to me. "I like, met his cousin. He has way more insight into Kiba's life than I do."

"His cousin?" I snort. "Why would his cousin know about him liking you or not?"

"He seems to know a lot about Kiba," Naruto explains. "I think they were really close as kids."

"Oh," I say, nodding my head.

"He kept giving me these weird suggestions on how I should deal with him. They were cruel and I wasn't into it. I mean, maybe I would've considered it, but when Kiba is treated like that he kind of shuts down. He shut down when his cousin was over."

"Yeah?" I probe.

"His cousin is such a dick," Naruto says with a bitter laugh. "I thought he was cool at first, but then he started mouthing off and making Kiba out to be the most incompetent guy ever. I think Kiba's entire family thinks he's some kinda incapable moron or something. It's sad. His cousin kept mouthing off. He was being a douche. It was weird to see Kiba just sit there and take it."

"He's probably used to it," I say.

"Sad," Naruto murmurs.

"Plus, when people hear something enough times, they start believing it. It's engrained into their head."

Naruto frowns. "Yeah… I don't know. I hope he doesn't think of himself the way his family seems to. I wish he'd talk to me about it, but he refuses."

"Maybe he will someday," I offer.

Naruto tilts his head to the side, like he's weighing the possibility of it. "Maybe…"

I still really want to ask Naruto if he's bi. Now is probably as good a time as ever.

"So after hooking up with Shion, do you think you like girls, too?" I wonder, trying to seem nonchalant about it.

"Oh, definitely," Naruto answers without missing a beat, "I really liked hooking up with Shion. Not more than I liked hooking up with Gaara or Kiba though. She was just a cool girl and I had a good time. No drama—until Kiba got all worked up and shitty at least."

It's not super surprising. He was really into Sakura while they were still dating—really, really into her. It was pretty obvious that she didn't feel the same way, but that's because she only wanted to date women. I guess it wouldn't really make sense that Naruto only wanted to date men after all of that.

"Did you guys resolve it?" I wonder.

Naruto tilts his head back and forth. "Eh... Sort of I guess. It's as good as it's gonna get."

That sounds annoying. I can tell it bugs him, but I guess it would be hypocritical for me to deny that I act that way, too. I am closed off. I don't tell him things about why I act the way I do. I don't really tell anyone anything and if I do let something slip out, I am not happy about it.

I wonder if he gets annoyed with me when I don't talk. We haven't been friends for that long, but I can't see myself opening up about what happened to me any time soon.

"Oh," I finally reply. "Shitty."

"Yeah, shitty!" he agrees.

"You definitely wouldn't date him?" I press. I don't know why I keep asking but I want to know and Naruto hasn't given me a direct answer yet.

"Oh, no I don't think so." He lets out a huff, "Kiba is good-looking and all but he'd be too much to handle as a boyfriend."

It's kind of disheartening to hear Naruto say that. Kiba and I are similar. More similar than I'd like to admit even.

"I guess I can relate to that." I tell him, peering into the bottom of my glass.

"What do you mean?" Naruto eyes me critically.

"Just, I don't know," I hesitate, trying to decide how I want to say this, "People say I'm handsome, but never stick around. I guess my hot to crazy ratio is off or something."

Naruto snorts out a laugh. "Dude, what the fuck are you even talking about?"

"I'm not personable," I admit, "I have a hard time talking about real stuff."

"Oh my god, shut up." Naruto rolls his eyes. "You're like, the entire package. You're hot as hell and yeah, maybe you don't want to tell me all the nitty-gritty facts about yourself immediately, but that's normal. It's obvious that you're at least trying to let me into your life."

The comments take me off guard because they're so nice. He's really understanding. Sometimes I forget it. I never gave him any credit in the past. I need to stop automatically grouping him with every other person who has disappointed me in the past because he's nothing like any of them.

It's relieving to hear, especially considering that I don't really feel like I'm doing a good job of it. I still feel pretty guarded. I'm loosening up, but it's a slow process.

"Oh," I say, sounding somewhat reserved. "Well, thank you."

He smiles wryly, leaning a little closer. "Aw, don't get all shy now."

"I'm not," I insist.

"I mean it, though," he reiterates in a more serious tone. "I'm glad we're getting to know one another and I'm glad you came with me today."

"Really?" I ask. This is all so crazy. I can barely believe it's happening.

"Of course." He maintains, knocking his knee into mine a little and giving me a big smile.

I'm trying to keep my cool here, but I don't really know how to. I've never been in a situation like this before. He's flirting with me, right? It feels like it, but I can't tell.

Everything about this interaction feels fuzzy and nice. I might just be because I'm drunk or it might be because I feel like I'm about to get something I've been really wanting.

"You always say such nice things to me." I mumble awkwardly.

"I'm not being nice," he shakes his head firmly at me, "I'm telling the truth."

Of course he is, but it's still hard to believe.

"Well, thank you," I say, mustering up sincerity. "It's really nice to hear. People don't really say things like that to me."

"Well, they should," he insists. "You're awesome."

Hearing compliment after compliment is making me feel a little flustered. Maybe that's intention because he is still giving me that sly smile, looking thoroughly pleased with himself.

He orders us a couple more drinks and I am definitely starting to feel it. Naruto gets a bloody mary and I get a piña colada. We swap in the middle and finish off one another's drinks.

This is the first time I've actually been to a bar and took my time, ordering drinks that actually taste nice. It's nice. The atmosphere is nice. I feel pretty good and it's not just thanks to the alcohol. I've been feeling good all day.

After a few moments of us gazing awkwardly at one another, Naruto chuckles.

"What?" I ask, sitting up a little straighter.

"Why're you so nervous?" He leans forward again, resting his chin in his hands.

"I'm not!" I insist.

"You are!" He nods his head in a drunken daze. "You're always so nervous!"

I shrug, but don't argue.

"Come on," Naruto lifts up his chair suddenly and scoots it towards me. "It's just me. You don't have to worry about how you look or act or whatever."

He moves close enough for our legs to rest against each other and it feels intentional. Really intentional. I stare at him, trying to gauge what to do next.

I should make a move.

God, I wish he would just do it, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen.

After a moment of contemplation, I lift my left foot and rub it lightly against his ankle.

Naruto's eye dart downwards and then back up to me. He smiles wryly. "What're you doin'?"

"What do you think I'm doing?" I ask him.

Naruto wiggles his eyebrows suggestively and then lets out a hazy chuckle. His breath smells like liquor and mine probably does, too.

"What do you want to happen next?" he asks me, still smiling. The question is so forward I almost don't know what to respond with. Naruto senses this and he coos, "Aw, you're getting all flustered again."

"No, I'm not," I insist, though it's stupidly obvious that I am.

He scoots his chair even closer until the wood of his seat hits the wood of mine. He tilts his head to the side and then puts a hand on my thigh, almost like he's trying to ease me into whatever the hell this situation is escalating to.

He was right when he accused me of being nervous. I don't know why I'm nervous, though. I've never been nervous with any other person I've been with. It wasn't hard to make the first move, but right now it is. I want to lean forward and kiss him, but I'm scared to do it.

"Well…" Naruto starts softly, "what would you do if I did this?"

A split second later, he's leaning towards me. He pecks me on the lips. It's quick and chaste, but my heart is still palpitating because of it. When he draws back, he stares at me, searching for some sort of response.

"Um," I mumble, trying to catch my breath and get the words out.

"You're so cute when you're blushing," he whispers, tapping his fingers on my inner thigh. I'm betting I'm red as a tomato right now and the alcohol in my system is probably not helping.

What do I do? Do I kiss him back? Am I going to regret this? There's a million thoughts running through my head right now and I can't make sense of any of them.

Suddenly, Naruto removes his hand from my leg and scoots back from the table.

Is he ditching me? I gaze at him questioningly as he stands up.

"I'm going to the bathroom," he tells me, "If you want to, y'know."

"Yes," I say a little too quickly, and Naruto smirks at me.

My heart is beating so fast and hard I can't help but wonder if he can somehow hear it, even though that is stupid.

Naruto stands up and offers me a hand. I take it and the two of us ditch the room, heading down a narrow hallway and into the bathroom. Surprisingly, it isn't as dingy as I thought it would be.

I glance around for a moment until Naruto puts a hand on my shoulder. I turn to face him, smiling slightly. He cups a hand on my jaw and kisses me again. This time, it's less innocent and more intense. I part my lips, letting him in. It's been a while since I've kissed anyone. It's especially been a while since I've kissed anyone like this.

Naruto's lips are chapped to death but I don't even mind because it feels like my brain is shutting down. He pushes one hand up the back of my shirt and twists the other in my hair.

I can't help but wonder if I'm making a fool of myself. It's not like I'm inexperienced, but this is the first time I've felt so anxious. Naruto just seems so self-assured and I can't match that no matter how badly I want to.

I try to keep the kisses small and tight because I don't want him to think I'm sloppy. Naruto, on the other hand, isn't holding back at all. He knows what he wants, I guess.

For a moment he pauses and brings his lips to my ear, heavily breathing out, "Relax."

I shudder and instinctively obey, his hand sliding further up my shirt.

I try not to tense up. His hands are warm and I feel like I'm melting. I grab fistfuls of his t-shirt, keeping him close. Naruto has a knee between my groin and before I can help it, I moan into his mouth.

Are we just going to make out? Are we going to do more than that? The possibilities make me nervous. I want more, but I don't know if I want more NOW – but if I don't take what I can get now, he might lose interest in me.

Fuck, I sound depressingly pathetic. I've never been in this situation before. It's making me insecure as hell.

I like him.

I REALLY like him.

I'm insecure because I don't know if he likes me back. I don't know if we're just screwing around or if he is interested in more than just my ass.

"Hold on," Naruto says a moment later, moving away from me.

He leans against the wall and I watch as he digs around in his back pocket for something. Is he trying to find a condom? I'm definitely not ready for that. On the same token, I kind of want it. We shouldn't, though. Not this fast.

He pulls out a small baggy filled with white powder. "What's that?" I ask, feeling nervous.

"Coke. Want to do lines with me?" he asks. It's forward, like he does this sort of thing all the time.

"I'm…good." I mumble, and he shrugs.

I expect him to put it away, but he doesn't. Instead he takes out his keys and sticks the tip of one in, bringing it to his nose and inhaling quickly.

It's hard to watch.

I wrap my arms around myself, standing still.

Naruto sniffles and then pinches his nose. I didn't know he did things like this. I mean, I knew he partied pretty hard, but I didn't know he did cocaine. I don't like the thought of it.

It's REALLY hard to watch.

"You sure you don't want any?" he asks again.

"I'm sure!" I say somewhat sharply. I don't want to sound upset, but I AM upset. I waver slightly where I'm standing. I'm pretty fucking drunk, but I still know what I do and don't want. This entire situation is unsettling me. I don't do drugs. I've never had the interest. The only time I've ever had any sort of drug in my system is when I wasn't given a chance to choose.

Naruto shrugs my response off and closes the bag, putting it back into his pocket along with his key.

He brings a hand up and tousles my bangs, leaning in to plant a kiss on my lips.

"I feel sick," I tell him when he's just a few centimeters from my face, putting my hand on his chest and holding him back. "Can we get a cab?"

"Oh, from the alcohol?" he questions, standing up straight again.

"Yes, from the alcohol," I tell him, crossing my arms over myself. "I want to go home."

"Okay." He pulls out his phone, seeming unfazed. "I'll call one."

As he looks for the number of a cab company, I can't help but think about how shaken up I am. This is not how I wanted this to go. How often is Naruto fucked up on that stuff? It must be pretty frequent if he felt like now was an appropriate time to whip it out.

I don't even want to be around him if he's going to be high. I hate that shit.

It doesn't take long for a cab to arrive out front. Me and Naruto get inside and I stare out the window. He talks about the night – his favourite parts. He seems normal, but a little chattier and animated, if that's even possible.

I nod along to what he's saying, adding a, "yeah," or a "hm," here and there so he knows I'm listening.

The drive to my house is a lot shorter than the ride this morning was and soon enough we are parked in front of my house. I reach for my wallet, but Naruto stops me and says he'll take care of the payment. Good. He owes me that much. I simply nod and tell him goodnight, leaving the car and heading into my house.

When I'm inside, I take off my shoes and head into my room, taking my wallet and keys and phone out of my pockets before setting them on my nightstand. I strip out of my day clothes, tossing them to the floor somewhat aggressively before putting my pyjamas on.

I brush my teeth, wash my face and head to bed. It's late, I'm drunk and I don't want to think about how disappointed I am anymore.

.

.

The next morning I decide to call Karin. I tell her I want her to come over and that I need to talk to her about something.

She tells me she'll come quickly, probably because I never want to tell her anything and this is probably a moment to be celebrated in her mind.

Around quarter to eleven, she knocks on my front door and I go to let her in.

"Hi!" she says, sounding kind of flustered. She really must have rushed to get here.

"Good morning," I tell her, stepping back from the door so she can come inside.

"Upstairs?" she asks, and I nod.

We head up to my room and she takes a seat at my desk, swirling around in the chair before using her feet to roll it towards me.

"So, what's up?" Karin eyes me as I sit down on my bed.

I let out a sigh, feeling hesitant now that she's sitting right in front of me. I wish it wasn't so difficult. It's not like she's going to be mad at me or something. She'll be totally fine with it.

"You can tell me…" she says, staring at me with intent.

"Well, I'm gay," I tell her bluntly, wanting to get it over with.

Karin nods her head slowly, looking like she's musing something. It puts me off.

"Well, say something!" I snap, feeling incredibly irritable as it is. I have a bit of a lingering headache from last night's drinking. It's not severe, but it isn't exactly pleasant.

"I fucking knew it!" she says with a little laugh.

I roll my eyes at that. "You're kidding…"

"No, I'm not," she insists. "I always suspected you were overcompensating for something by sleeping around with all those girls! You probably slept with more girls than I have!"

"Jesus Christ," I mutter, "Do other people suspect it too?"

She shakes her head. "I don't think so. I've never heard anyone talk about it."

Good. That means Jugo kept his mouth shut at least.

"I also had kind of a weird night last night," I say, glancing away from her. This part will be awkward. What's the proper etiquette for telling someone you made out with their cousin?

"Oh yeah?" she presses.

"I went to pride," I start, trying to ease into it.

"Oh wow, that's awesome!" Karin exclaims. "Did you have fun?"

"I did," I admit. "I went to a drag show too. It was actually pretty fantastic. That part was really awesome."

"But?" She leans towards me, probably sensing that something is wrong.

"I went with your cousin," I continue.

"Wooooah…" she says, leaning back in her seat. "Naruto?"

I nod.

"He can be kinda stupid sometimes. Was he nice?"

"Yeah, of course."

She smiles wryly. "Of course."

"But, like, we had a ton of cocktails and towards the end of the night things got kind of heated," I explain vaguely, knowing she'll take the hint.

"Like, with Naruto…?" she asks slowly, almost like she can't quite believe it.

"Yes, Karin…" I continue dryly. "We were in the bathroom at the bar and he pulls out a fucking bag of cocaine! He asks me if I want any and I'm like fuck that…"

"Tsk…" she clicks her tongue, angrily muttering, "Naruto, you idiot…"

"Honestly… it was kind of triggering," I say with a bleak laugh. "I feel stupid admitting it because everyone thinks triggers are such a joke, but… It's true. It was upsetting. I kept thinking about the last time I had drugs in my system. I didn't want to be touched after that, so I said I wanted to go home, which efficiently put an end to the night."

"Well, that was probably a good choice." She brings her hand to her chin, looking like she's thinking hard. "Was he cool about that?"

"Honestly I don't think he even noticed that I was bothered by it," I say bitterly. "I told him I felt sick from drinking so much and he called a cab right away."

"I'm glad he did that much at least." She reaches out and puts a hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry that happened, though. That sucks."

"It does suck!" I agree, balling my hands up into fists, "I was having a really good time! Then he had to go and pull that shit! What the fuck was he even thinking?"

"I don't know," Karin mumbles. This is probably a lot more information than she was ready for.

"He acted so fucking nonchalant about it!" I continue, getting even more worked up. "He must do that kind of shit all the time to just whip it out and offer it to me like that!"

"Want me to talk to him?" she offers. "I'll give him a real piece of my mind…"

I let out a breath, clenching my jaw as I weigh my options. "I don't know," I admit after a moment. "I don't know if that would do any good. I mean, what could you do to get him to cut it out?"

"Tell him what a dumbass he is?" she asks with a little laugh. "I think if he realizes how much it affected you, he'd really regret it."

"But then he'd want to know WHY it bothered me so much," I murmur.

"You don't HAVE to."

"Well, you know he would pry about it," I point out.

She shrugs. "Yeah, probably… and it's not even the fact that he's nosy. He just wants everyone to be happy and when they're not he wants to know why so he can try to fix it."

"Well, he can't fix this," I mutter. "I just… I don't know. I thought things were going well, then that happened. It was disappointing."

"I'm still having a hard time believing you hooked up with Naruto." She lets out a wry chuckle.

"Yeah, well, believe it," I say, rolling my eyes.

It's not like I regret hooking up with him. I really don't. I just wish it had turned out differently. It could have been more romantic, or something. Him pulling out a bag of cocaine made me just feel like some cheap hooker.

"I'll talk to him," Karin determines after a moment. "You should, too."

"About what?"

"What happened," she tells me. "Say it bothered you. If he asks why then tell him you just don't like drugs or hooking up on drugs. That's perfectly reasonable. He'll feel really bad about making you uncomfortable. Plus, if we both say something he'll know it's a real issue."

"True…" I murmur, considering it. "All right. I will do that next time I see him."

I'm still so mad he had to turn such an entertaining day into such a sour night. I felt so good and then I felt so bad.

Karin pats my leg and then says, "He'll definitely apologize and it'll be sincere. He's like that. He never means to hurt or offend people and when he does he wants to make it up to them."

"I just hate that he does drugs," I admit in a mumble. "Like… I thought I could see myself with him, but I don't know…"

"Don't let that stop you," she says. "He probably only does it socially."

"Still," I reason.

"Still, it's gross," she agrees, "but don't throw away your chance with him just yet. Tell him not to do that shit around you and if you guys DO become an item, then you can make him quit it."

"We'll see," I say, not ruling it out but not ruling it in, either. It depends how things go the next time I see him.

"So, my lil cousin likes guys…" Karin muses offhandedly, spinning around some more in my desk chair.

"And girls," I add.

"Oh yeah?" She raises an eyebrow. "I guess that makes sense, considering Sakura and all."

"That's what I thought," I tell her. "He thought he might just be into guys for a while but I guess he cleared that up last week. He hooked up with some girl named Shion."

"Oh I know Shion!" Karin laughs. "She's nice. Good for him."

"I guess Kiba freaked out." I shrug, fiddling with a loose thread on my comforter.

"What? Really?" She stops spinning the chair. "Did he like her or something?"

"No it was like—" I pause. Maybe I shouldn't tell her. Would that be an invasion of privacy? Honestly I don't really care after what Naruto did to me last night. "Remember when I told you I overheard them talking about messing around?"

"Oh my god, no!" She exclaims, jaw dropping, "That was a real thing? I thought you just misunderstood!"

"It was," I smirk, "I guess Kiba got all worked up because he walked in on Naruto and Shion or something."

Karin brings her hand to her forehead and looks up at the ceiling. "Narutooo, what are you getting yourself into!?"

My fucking sentiments exactly.

"Yeah," I mutter tersely. "He seems to think it's no big deal, but I think he's in for a huge shit-storm. He probably won't put a stop to things until they blow up in his face."

"He's sooo dense," she says, nodding along. "Yah sure you wanna date him?"

I laugh it off. "Shut up."

She smiles slightly. "Really, though. You sure you wanna date him? It'd probably be a big ol' mess with the way things are going for him lately."

"Ugh, stop," I sigh out, flopping backwards and lying down. I stare up at the ceiling aimlessly, not wanting to put much thought into it right now.

"Sorry," she apologizes with a little chuckle.

"I don't THINK he'll sleep with Kiba again," I say. "He said Kiba's not his type… He's too high maintenance. Plus, they haven't hooked up in a while."

"You're kinda high maintenance, too," Karin says.

I perch myself up on my elbows and give her an annoyed look. "You think I don't know that?!"

She smiles slightly. "Sorry, sorry."

I lie back on my bed and stare at the ceiling. This is all so fucking complicated.

"Not to change the subject on you…" I hear the chair rolling around on my floor, "But have you thought any more on if you want to go back to school next semester?"

"I don't want to talk about that," I respond almost immediately.

"Okay, okay," she says, sounded defeated. "We can just talk boys instead."

We chat for a little while longer about last night before Karin tells me she has to go. I guess she actually had plans today but postponed them to come talk to me because she knew it would be urgent. That's nice of her, I guess.

I show her to the door and tell her that I'll see her later, thanking her for coming over and listening to me rant.

"It's no problem." She waves at me dismissively before turning to walk down the driveway to her car. "I love having talks like this with you."

Once she drives away I head back up to my room and sit on my bed. I pick up my phone and pull up Naruto's name in my messaging app.

" _I had a good time last night_ ," I write, " _Let'_ _s meet up again soon and talk_."


	18. Chapter 18: Naruto

**tw: graphic and uncomfortable content**

 **Naruto's POV**

Sasuke texted me, which is pretty miraculous. Usually I'm the first one to message him. I write back asking him how he's doing and if he got sick. He said he feels okay, just a little headachey. We make plans for later in the evening, which gives him a little more time to sleep off the headache.

"How was the parade?" Kiba asks me. He's in the kitchen eating a sandwich.

"Good," I say upon entry. "We went to a club after and got drunk."

"Right on," Kiba murmurs.

"We hooked up a bit in the bathroom," I continue with a little snort.

"Slut," he says to me.

I choose to take that as a joke, so I laugh it off and respond with, "Yeah, yeah. We saw a drag show, too. It was pretty fucking neat."

"That's cool," he replies dryly.

Kiba doesn't pursue the conversation past that. I can't tell if he's being pissy or not, but I don't really care. If he has a problem with what I'm doing he can say it outright or have it go unacknowledged.

He retreats to his room a minute later and takes his sandwich with him. Jesus Christ, is this where we're at now?

I go to my own room and dick around a while on the internet, reading some articles and watching videos suggested to me by Facebook. Around four, I walk out to my car and head to Sasuke's house. I haven't been inside before, so I'm kind of excited to see what his room looks like.

It doesn't take me too long to arrive at his place. When I get to the familiar house, I park my car and walk up the long, marbled driveway. I knock and ring the doorbell for good measure. When the door opens, I spot Sasuke. He's wearing sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt. He looks groggy but cute, like he just woke up or something.

"Hey," I greet, holding a hand up.

He nods, opening the door and letting me in. He stifles a yawn with the back of his hand, closing the door once I'm in.

"Feelin' okay?" I ask, kicking off my shoes.

He shrugs. "Took a nap."

I nod at that. "I can tell."

"Come on," he says, nodding at me to follow him.

I glance around his house. JEEZ, it's nice! It's huge, with a large chandelier hanging on the high ceiling. The stairs are dark wood and they spiral up to the second floor. You can tell his well off his parents are to have a home like this.

I guess it's not that surprising since they run a successful law firm, but I was still somehow totally unprepared for this.

When we get up to his room I see that it's fairly plainly decorated, but in a way that's completely different from Kiba or I's rooms.

Sasuke has really high quality furniture, just not many trinkets, so it looks pretty minimalist. Kiba on the other hand literally doesn't have a bed frame.

"I had a really fun time last night," I tell him, sitting down in his chair and setting my cars keys on his desk.

Sasuke stays standing. He has a kind of sad look on his face. "I know, me too."

"We should do it again!" I suggest, hoping to cheer him up. I wonder if he feels bad that our night ended early. "We can go back to that same bar. They do shows every weekend!"

"I _mostly_ had fun," he corrects himself, crossing his arms and staring up at the ceiling.

"Mostly?" I chuckle. "You seemed like you were doing great up until you felt sick at the end."

Sasuke lets out a heavy sigh and walks over beside me, fixing a stack of papers that were strewn about. "I just…" he pauses and trails off. "Okay, I didn't feel sick when I told you I did. I actually just wanted to go home."

I frown at that. "But why?"

He scoffs. "Naruto… Think about it. Everything was fine until you decided to start snorting coke in front of me like it wasn't a big deal…!"

"And… that bothered you…?" I question.

"Yes, it fucking bothered me!" he seethes. "I hate that shit. It was such a turn off!"

I feel a crease form in my brow. "Why didn't you tell me that?"

"I was too surprised to say it and by the time it wore off you were already half way to being high," he murmurs. "So, I wanted to leave. I don't really like partying and I don't want to be around people who are doing drugs."

I don't get it. I don't get why he suddenly cares. It's not something he always cared about, that is for damn sure. I know that by the amount of extra trashy parties I've seen him at.

"I just don't understand." I wrap my hands around my knees. "Why do you suddenly care about this kind of stuff? You used to hang out at parties where people were doing crazy drugs all the time. Stuff WAY worse than cocaine. Why does it matter if I do it?"

Sasuke pinches the bridge of his nose. "It just does, okay? I didn't like it and I don't want you to do that sort of thing around me. It fucking stresses me out."

"Um, okay," I relent.

"Okay?" he asks, sounding surprised. Maybe he didn't expect me to give in so easily.

"Yeah, I won't do it around you anymore. I'm really sorry; I just sort of assumed it wouldn't bother you." I shrug. "That was wrong of me."

He takes a sharp breath and sits down on his bed, wrapping his arms around himself. "Okay, thank you."

"Are you alright?" I ask, scooting closer to him.

"Yeah, I just—" He glances up at me. "That went smoother than I expected."

I chuckle. "Well, I'm pretty easy going."

"I like that about you," he says.

"Awww," I coo at him and he rolls his eyes.

Honestly, he seems a little high strung today, but I don't say that.

"So, why do you do it?" he pries.

I smile wryly. "You sound like Kiba now."

He rolls his eyes me again.

"Dunno why," I admit. "I just like it. It makes me feel good. Plus, I stay in control."

"Do you do it a lot?"

"Not a LOT," I say with a shrug. "Every so often and whatever."

He looks blatantly distasteful.

"Don't knock it 'til you've tried it," I say lightly.

"No fucking thank you," he mutters, sounding like it is the worst thing in the world.

I don't understand why everyone's giving me such hell over this lately. It's not like Kiba and Sasuke are the most well-adjusted people. It feels almost hypocritical for them to hassle me so much.

Besides, I genuinely just like how it feels. I'm not using it to cope with some huge underlying issue. Overall, I'm in a pretty good place right now.

If it makes Sasuke feel better though, I won't do it around him. I guess it's not really fair for me to subject him to it if he hates it this much. I'm not trying to make him uncomfortable and since he's asking me so directly to knock it off I should probably respect him.

"So apart from my little fuck up, you enjoyed the rest of the night?" I ask him somewhat suggestively.

"I did," he responds, curt as ever.

"Think we would've gone farther if I didn't mess it up?"

I feel like we were halfway to fucking, but I don't want to assume anything. It might not have been his intention.

"I don't know," he responds, "and now you don't get to, either."

I slap a hand over my chest, feigning hurt. "Ow, stop teasing me, Sasuke."

I manage to pull a smile out of him. It's small, but it's there. I think things will be fine.

"Loser," he says.

"Ass," I retort, though I don't mean it. I know he doesn't, either.

Talking can fix things. Good communication really is the key.

"Well now that that's all said and done, I have to get on with my day." He waves a hand at me, gesturing towards the door.

"Are you kicking me out?" I joke, although I am genuinely surprised that he wanted me for such a short visit.

"Don't fuck up so bad next time and maybe I'll let you stay longer," he retorts. Man, he's fucking good at playing hard to get.

"Alright alright," I say, standing up from the chair. "I'll get out of your hair."

Sasuke nods and recrosses his arms.

"You did say next time though, right?" I turn to look over my shoulder as I'm walking towards his bedroom door.

"Did I?" He smirks.

"You did." I wink playfully.

With that I head out. That went well, I think. I had no idea he'd freak out over something like this, though. I was surprised. I guess it's okay, though. I just won't do it around him. I'll be careful of that.

.

.

When I get home, Kiba's door is closed and I hear his voice. He's probably talking to his cousin again – or maybe arguing is a more appropriate word. Well, Hiro is a pretty huge dick. It annoys me that I used to think he was all right. He proved to be a jackass like the rest of his family.

I make rice and then sit in the living room watching television. I flick through a few channels before settling in a sitcom. I'm not in the mood for anything heavy. When I'm done my rice, I make some tea.

It kind of bothers me that things have gotten so tense. I guess I should have expected it when I asked Kiba to move in with me. It's frustrating because I'm just trying to help him and everything I'm doing just seems to be making him more upset. I feel like all of this could be avoided if we just had a real conversation for once.

It's even harder to keep my mouth shut now that Hiro told me what was going on between him and his parents. I want to confront Kiba about it, but I know that if I did he'd probably never probably speak to me again. He'd get defensive and shut down, which is the last thing I want to happen.

Around five I pull a beer out of the fridge and sip it slowly while I watch some more TV. Some nature show that's meant to teach people about the jungle but only focuses on orangoutangs.

After I finish a few drinks, Kiba finally wanders out of his room. He looks annoyed. He probably just stopped talking to Hiro. I wonder what they were talking about.

"Hey," I greet him. "There's food in the fridge if you wanna eat."

"Not hungry," he says.

"Were you talking to your cousin?" I ask him.

"Yes," he murmurs in distaste.

"Was he being nice?"

"No."

Of course he wasn't.

"Want to talk about it?" I ask.

"No," he says again. He sits down next to me, sighing and slumping back. He looks tense.

"Relax," I say.

He glances at me. "How?"

"Want a massage?" I offer.

He scoffs. "You'd probably make things worse."

"Hey," I protest, "I'm awesome at making people feel good, in case you forgot!"

Kiba rolls his eyes but scoots towards me. "Have at it."

I stand up from the couch and move behind him, cracking my knuckles and starting at the nape of his neck. I press my thumbs against his spine and make my way down between his shoulder blades. Karin used to ask me for massages all the time in high school so I'm actually pretty good at it as long as my hands don't get tired.

"A little more to the right," Kiba says after a minute. He's finally starting to loosen up a little, thank god.

I search for the place he's talking about, making like circles until I find what feels like a knot.

"Here?" I ask, pressing my thumb against it.

"Oof, yeah." He nods his head, sitting up a little straighter.

He lets out a little moan and it's encouraging. I knew this would help him chill out. I'm good at all sorts of things.

"That feels good," he murmurs, arching himself into me.

"Told yah," I say confidently.

I continue massaging him, pushing and pressing on areas that seem more rigid. He continues sighing and moaning and mumbling things like, "Yeah, there…"

"You're tense as fuck," I say to him.

He scoffs. "Yeah, I'm more than aware – trust me."

I like the sounds he is making. It's rare to see him so unreserved.

When I'm finished, he rolls over and stares at me. "Want me to return the favour?" he asks.

"What'yah have in mind?" I ask.

"Trade me," he says, pushing off the couch.

"Alright." I walk around and plop down where he was sitting.

"Take this off, it will be easier." Kiba tugs at the collar of my shirt.

I cross my arms and pull it off over my head, tossing it onto the coffee table and then leaning back into his hands.

His grip feels warm as he follows a massage pattern similar to what I gave him. The only difference is that instead of working his way down he works his way up.

"Thanks," I tell him, because it feels pretty damn good.

When he finishes on my shoulders he stops pressing so hard and instead uses one hand to squeeze the back of my neck, a moment later working his fingers up around my ears and then running them through my hair.

I close my eyes. For a while, I met him move his hands through my hair, but after a few minutes I open my eyes and turn around.

"What?" he asks. I just shrug and he smiles wryly, making me wonder what is on his mind. A moment later he leans forward, pecking me on the lips. I guess this is where we are yet again.

"Yeah?" I ask when he draws back.

"Yeah," he says.

I lean forward again and we exchange sloppy, open-mouthed kisses. I push him back, leaning over him. We kiss for what feels like a long time and I'm really into the fact that he's LETTING me kiss him. I like kissing. It's simple. It's soothing.

"Want to go to my room?" I ask him, coming up for air after a few moments.

He doesn't even really seem to contemplate it. The "yes" practically flies out of his mouth and he's halfway to my door before I can even stand up from the couch.

By the time I catch up to him he's already stripped off his shirt and is fiddling with his belt buckle.

"Wow, eager much?" I tease, following his lead and getting into a similar stage of undress.

He doesn't respond, instead just beckoning for me to come over. I join him on the bed and he grabs my shoulders, cupping the side of my face and kissing my neck.

This is nice. I don't really understand what's going on, but I'm not going to fight it.

After a few minutes, I push him back down again and reach for the rim of his pants. He lifts his hips and I pull them down along with his shorts, tossing them aside. I wrap my fingers around his dick and he immediately says, "Skip the foreplay."

Typical.

I stand up and reach into my nightstand drawer, ditching my pants and rolling on a condom.

"Can you dim the lights?" Kiba asks. I guess he's feeling shy. I turn off the main light switch and turn my lamp on instead before rejoining him on the bed. He puts a pillow under his backside, making things easier. When he holds his legs back, I'm kind of surprised to see him willingly splayed out like this. Usually he is giving me lip the entire time.

I grab the lube, making him as wet as possible.

"Hurry…" he murmurs.

"I don't want it to hurt," I tell him.

"I don't care," he retorts.

NOW he's giving me attitude.

"Fine then," I relent, positioning myself and sliding in. He lets out a gasp, followed by a low groan. "You good…?"

"Yeah," he says somewhat tersely. "Just… go slow."

I comply, slowly easing him into it. I guess it's been a while since we've done this, so he probably needs a moment to readjust. When he relaxes, I pick up the pace. He's being more vocal this time, which is a surprise. Usually he is busy trying to stifle himself. I don't know what changed.

His eyes are closed I can't help but wonder what he's thinking about. He isn't hard. I try to reach for him again, but he pushes my hand away.

"Kiba, what the fuck?" I ask, pausing. "Are you turned on AT ALL?"

He opens his eyes and peers up at me. "Yes."

"You don't look like you are," I point out.

"Get on with it, Naruto," he says somewhat dismissively, not offering me any sort of explanation. "Seriously. Hurry up."

I'm annoyed, but I relent. When I do, his eyes immediately close again. I don't know why, but I find it annoying and somewhat insulting, even though it isn't exactly new or unexpected of him. I grab his wrists and pin them over his chest, keeping him still. He did it to me before. I think it was because he didn't want me touching him, though. I don't know why. It makes me feel like he's kind of grossed out being with me.

I feel pretty close, which is surprising because I had a few drinks. Alcohol usually slows things down for me and I'll take forever to have an orgasm.

I pick up my pace and the headboard of the bed begins rattling against the wall. I let out a low moan as the familiar sensation hits my groin. Fuck yeah.

Some moments after I cum, I gingerly pull out and glance at Kiba. I am still pinning him as he quietly asks, "Can you please let go of me?" He sounds meek, like he's somehow worried I'll say no.

I oblige and then offer, "Want me to get you off?"

His dick is still flaccid. I can't help but take it personal.

"No."

"Come on," I say, getting up and ditching the condom before rejoining him. "You let me fuck you."

His expression twists and for a moment it looks like he might cry. I'm somewhat taken aback. Then he stops and he puts a hand on my chest, pushing me away as he sits up. He swings his legs over the edge of his bed so his feet hit the floor. He stares down at himself and tenses. He lets out a heaving, heavy breath. Then another and another. Then I realize they aren't heavy breaths. He actually is crying.

"Oh my god," I say and sit down beside him, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Are you alright?"

Kiba's quick to shrug me off, turning his head away and putting his face in his hands. He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he presses his palms into his eye sockets.

"What happened?" I whisper. "I don't understand what's wrong. Did I hurt you?"

Kiba still doesn't respond, instead he lets out a keening sound and starts to sob openly.

I don't know what to do. He won't talk to me. I should get Akamaru.

I stand up and walk to the door. Unsurprisingly, when I open it Akamaru is waiting right outside. He could probably hear the crying. He bumbles past me and right up to the bed, nuzzling his head against Kiba's shins.

I don't get it. I don't get what is happening. I don't get it at all and it's really scaring me. He sounds so devastated and distraught and I have no fucking idea why. He never tells me. He never talks.

I hurry to put my sweats back on.

"Kiba, if I did something wrong, please tell me," I whisper.

He doesn't respond. He sounds like he's mourning. I don't try to force any answers out of him. I gather his clothes up off the floor and sit on the edge of my bed – not too far from him, but not too close either.

After what feels like a long time, he stands up and grabs his clothes, mumbling some things to himself that I don't quite catch. He leaves and retreats to his own room. Akamaru follows him in and I hover outside the door, unsure if I'm welcome.

He dumps his clothes into his laundry basket and grabs a sweater and pyjama pants, throwing them on instead. He swipes at his eyes with his sleeves, letting out a strangled sound. It's like he's trying to stop, but he can't. It's heartbreaking to watch.

I move into the doorway, watching him as he prepares for what I'm sure will be him hiding in his bed for the rest of the day.

I should say something, right?

I have to say something.

I don't know how to get him to talk to me though. Nothing I've tried this far has been successful. Maybe I should ask him directly. Then he'll at least he forced to acknowledge that I know why he's so screwed up.

Shuffling into the room, I let out a heavy sigh.

"Is this about your parents?" I ask flat-out.

Kiba's tying the drawstring on his pajamas when I say it, and his head snaps up at me.

"What?" he croaks. He sounds confused and looks it, too.

"Like what they did to you," I clarify.

"What my parents did to me?" Kiba gives me an incredulous look, still half crying. He lets out a sharp laugh that sounds more like a sob. He starts shaking his head. He mumbles something else I don't catch and he looks like he is seriously losing it. I wonder if he is having some sort of episode. Does PTSD cause that kind of thing?

"Hiro told me they hit you..." I point out.

"They DON'T hit me!" he says angrily. "God!"

He keeps saying that, but I don't know what I am supposed to believe.

"Talk to me..." I say somewhat pleadingly.

He swipes at his eyes some more and lets out a weak sob. "I can't..."

"Yes, you can," I say, stepping into his room. "I want to support you."

He wraps his arms around himself. Akamaru circles around his legs, nudging him.

I step closer and he backs away, holding a hand up and saying, "Please... just..."

"Okay," I reply. "I will stay right here."

He stares down at the floor and looks like he's contemplating something difficult. I wonder if this is it. Is this finally the moment I hear him say it?

After a few moments he glances up at me. I don't budge. I'm not going anywhere until this is over.

"Look…" he mumbles after a while longer, glancing sheepishly off to the side, "My parents are stupid, not abusive."

Jesus fucking Christ! Why can't he just tell me the truth!?

"Hiro said you would deny it." I scoff, getting kind of worked up. "What about that bruise you had? The one after spring break!"

"Oh my god, fuck off!" Kiba shouts back, bringing a hand to his forehead. "That was fucking from HIM!"

I blink.

"What?" I ask.

Why would Hiro lie about that sort of thing? Why would he hit Kiba? I can't fucking piece this together. It makes no sense. What other things has he been lying to me about?

He seemed decent at first, but then he started acting like a jerk. I guess he is worse than I thought.

"Kiba...?" I say his name, trying to find a way to gently ask the question.

"What?" he mumbles wearily, glancing at me.

I press my lips together, eyebrows knit. Then I ask, "Man, what did Hiro do to you?"


	19. Chapter 19: Kiba

**tw: conversations about sexual abuse**

 **Kiba's POV**

God, what the fuck do I say? I can't stop shaking. I let out a pathetic whimper, raising my hands and rubbing my nose and eyes with my shirt sleeves.

"He… He used to _touch_ me," I sob out.

I can't bring myself to glance up at Naruto. I don't know if he even understood what I said. I don't want to look at him. I don't want to see the expression on his face.

"Excuse me?" Naruto asks like it's the last thing in the entire world he expected. I can't believe he's going to make me say this again.

"He fucking raped me, you idiot!" I exclaim, wrapping my arms around myself. "When I was like— a little kid!"

I hear Naruto take a sharp breath. I wonder how he's processing all of this. I can't even process all of this.

I sit down on my bed and put my head between my knees. I can't do this right now. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be talking about this shit. I can't fucking believe what I just told him.

Naruto crosses the floor and sits down beside me. He doesn't say anything, just sits.

We stay like that for what seems like hours. It's awkward. The silence feels horrible but talking about it will feel worse. Oh my god, I want to fucking kill myself.

My eyes won't stop leaking.

"I'm sorry," Naruto chokes out after what feels like a long time. I can tell how mortified he is.

I laugh callously. It's an expected response, but it's not the response I wanted to hear. I don't know what I wanted him to say. What he said seems appropriate, but lackluster as hell. Then again, what else is there to say? Nothing. No one knows how to deal with this kind of shit. I don't even know how to deal with it, for fuck's sake.

I sniffle loudly. I feel like shit. I don't feel better. I almost feel worse. My chest hurts. I lower a hand from my face and curl my fingers into the material of my shirt.

I can't bring myself to respond. There is nothing else for me to say. I sniffle again and my eyes continue to leak.

"I don't know what to say—" Naruto musters.

Yeah, join the fucking club. That's why we don't talk about this. That's why no one ever says anything. That's why my family spends all their time trying to play house.

"—but I am so, so sorry," he finishes after a lengthy pause.

His hand finds its way to my shoulder. I don't really want him to touch me but I let him anyway. What the fuck ever. I've already given up every other little bit of myself.

"God, me too!" I exclaim into my palms. "I'm sorry that I'm not over it and I fucking take everyone down with me! I'm sorry you got dragged into all of this!"

"No, no, don't say that—" Naruto whispers, trying to be reassuring. "None of this is your fault."

"I feel like it is," I murmur, "and I don't even know why..."

But I guess that makes sense. Right? Don't a lot if victims experience self-blame? That, or everyone else is busy placing blame on the victim.

I think my parents blame me. They blame me for making things awkward, for not being able to go back to the way things were, for familial conflict, for being an asshole, for being angry, for crying, for not being friendly, for picking fights, for being defensive, for being oversensitive, for not being exactly what they want me to be.

"Well, it's not," Naruto insists, "and I'm sorry if anyone has ever made you feel otherwise. I'm sorry about tonight, too."

I just shrug. I feel fucking dead. I wish I was. I can't keep living like this.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Naruto asks. His grip on my shoulder is firm, like he thinks I might get up and run out any second.

"Whatever, I don't care," I tell him, and I mean it.

"How…old were you?" he questions, obviously treading very carefully.

"The first time or the last time?" I scoff.

Naruto's grip tightens.

"I was six," I blurt out after a moment. "I was fucking six years old and it went on until I was twelve."

He goes quiet but I don't dare look at him. I want to pretend like I'm talking to a fucking screen. Otherwise I'll never get the words out.

"Oh my god…" he murmurs eventually, sounding like he might be sick. He lets go of my shoulder and leans forward, putting his head in his hands, "I like, knew you then. We were in kindergarten."

"Uh-huh," I deadpan.

Naruto has always been the same. Even after his parents died. He was sad for a while, but he bounced back – probably because he had so much support. I had none. I wonder what would have happened if I had the right support.

"I wish... I could have helped you," Naruto continues softly.

"You couldn't have," I murmur hoarsely. "Hiro... He's fuckin crazy. He gets scary. He gets into my head and can make me do whatever he wants."

"Want me to beat him up?" Naruto asks.

"No..." I admit.

I don't know what makes me say it. I guess I just don't want the drama that it would cause. Plus, Hiro is really fucked. He might do something worse.

"And like-your parents?" Naruto pries, trying his best to get more information while I'm still willing to give it.

I push my fingers through my bangs. "They caught us," I confess, "He was supposed to be babysitting me! How fucking sick is that? My parents came home early and that's what they found. Obviously they freaked out but at the time I didn't even understand it. He had me so fucking brainwashed that I thought they were just being mean when they kicked him out and made him walk home."

Naruto looks so unsettled, like he's being so careful and trying so hard not to upset me… but I'm honestly at my limit. I've never felt like this before and nothing he says is going to make it better or worse.

"Shit," he whispers.

"Yeah," I reply, sniffling a bit more. "It's fucked up, isn't it?"

"I'm sorry," he says for what feels like the hundredth fucking time.

"Stop saying that," I tell him. "I know that's probably the only thing you can think of, but I don't want to hear it."

"Okay, I'm s–" he cuts himself off. "I mean, yeah, okay."

I feel gross. So, so, so gross. I feel so disgusted with myself and with what me and Naruto did tonight. I don't know why I initiated it.

"Are you going to be okay with what we did?" Naruto asks, like he's reading my mind or something.

I truthfully don't know, but I probably shouldn't tell him just how repulsed I'm feeling right now. He'd probably take it personally.

"It's fine," I tell him instead. It's a flat-out lie but my problems aren't about Naruto and I don't want to start projecting things onto him.

"Okay…" he replies, but it sounds wary. "If you say so."

I nod but don't say anything past that. I'm not really in the mood to have a conversation about how I'm going to deal with the fact that now I've had his dick in my ass three separate times.

"If Hiro is so nasty, why the hell is he still in your life?" Naruto asks suddenly, getting a little huffy. "Why the fuck has he been coming over here?"

I lie down in my bed. I don't really know the answer to that question. feel like it's somehow twisted. There are so many possibilities and I'm unsure what the truth is.

"I don't know," I admit. "Maybe I want to believe he's better now. Maybe I want to pretend things are normal. Maybe I'm just vulnerable to manipulation."

Or maybe it's some fucked up combination of all three possibilities.

Naruto looks piteous. It's the expression I hate the most. I close my eyes so I don't have to look at him. I don't want to look at him.

"Stop making that face," I murmur.

"I'm sorry…" he says. "I don't know what other face to make."

"Uch," I click my tongue. There he goes apologizing again. I don't know what else I expected. He's not going to fix this. Nothing can fix this. Nothing can even help. My whole life is just a big fat fucking joke.

I slap my hands to my thighs and sit up. "Well! Now you know why I'm so fucked in the head!" I exclaim. I feel almost bitter. The response is inappropriate but I don't give a shit.

"Yeah," Naruto drones in response.

He sounds so lackluster. I guess he's probably in shock. Great. I'm happy to know that my childhood is so fucked up that even my best friend can't handle it.

I'm not happy I told him. I'm not happy about any of this.

Naruto has wanted me to talk to him for so long and now that I have, he is probably unsure of how to deal with it. I doubt he expected this. I mean, why the fuck would he? No one ever suspects shit like this.

"I'm going to bed," I say. "So, you can go."

I want him to leave. I don't want to look at him anymore. I feel agitated and I'm still upset. I just don't want him to have to watch me cry anymore.

"You can sleep in my room if you want," he invites.

He probably thinks I don't want to be alone, but I do.

"No…" I respond, "But thanks, I guess"

He nods his head and then rises to his feet, leaving my room. "Goodnight," I hear him say and then he's gone.

I roll onto my side and Akamaru lies against my stomach. I close my eyes, trying to will myself to sleep.

.

.

Naruto tiptoes around me for the rest of the week. It's obvious he feels uncomfortable and doesn't know what to say to me, which is exactly the reaction I didn't want.

On Wednesday night we get a little drunk together off of cheap canned beer and he apologizes again. I tell him I shouldn't have said anything. He tells me he's glad I did. We don't talk about it past that.

Friday morning rolls around and I wake up to a text message from him telling me he's hanging out with Karin for the day and will be back around dinner time. They must have gone out to breakfast because it's only half past ten.

I force myself out of bed and into the kitchen where I throw a piece of bread in the toaster and watch it until it dings. Then I eat it dry. I don't have the energy to worry about butter and besides, it all tastes the same.

I head back into my room and log onto Facebook. I see that I have some messages from Hiro, but I ignore them. I don't want to talk to him.

I close my computer after that, not wanting him to see that I'm online. I grab a book and try to read, but I get bored. I leave my room and sit on the sofa, watching TV. I get bored of that, too. I feel restless. For lunch I eat cereal because I still don't know how to cook much.

I kind of want Naruto to come home because I don't know what to do with myself, but I also don't want him to hurry home just because I'm whining. I know he would, though.

I make tea and sit back down in front of the television, watching some sports game until the buzzer begins to ring.

Is it Naruto? Did he forget his keys or something?

I sit up and head towards the intercom and press the button, saying, "Hello?"

" _It_ _'s Hiro_ ," comes a voice. " _Buzz me in_."

"What the fuck do you want?" I hiss, holding down the button again and speaking directly into it in a hushed voice. "I told you to stop showing up over here!"

I don't know why I'm being quiet. There's no one home to hear me. It's for my own sanity, I guess.

" _You weren_ _'_ _t replying to my messages_ ," he justifies, " _If you don_ _'_ _t want it to be random then respond to me. Now let me in._ _"_

"I don't want to talk to you!" I insist. "Ever wonder if that's why I don't reply? I don't want to talk to you online or in person!

Hiro pauses, like he's contemplating what to say. " _You_ _'_ _re such a crybaby_ ," he spits out after a moment. _"_ _You don_ _'_ _t have it so hard._ _"_

"Yeah, I do!" I insist, but maybe he's right.

Is he right?

I don't even know.

" _Lieeeee_ ," he sing-songs at me. I hear him emit a callous laugh. " _Come on, Kiba. I_ _'_ _ll be nice. Just let me in._ _"_

"Why should I?" I ask.

" _I want to talk to you about something_ ," he says.

"What is it?"

" _I'_ _ll tell you when I_ _'_ _m up there._ _"_

"Tell me now!"

" _No._ _"_

I grit my teeth. Should I? I know Naruto would say no, but he isn't here right now. No one is here. It's just me and I don't know what to do.

So, I relent. "Fine," I murmur and then I buzz him in.

After a couple minutes, there's a knock at the door. I unlock the latch and let him inside.

"Hello," he says as he steps into the apartment, acting as if nothing's wrong.

"Hi," I reply in monotone.

He eyes the cup of tea I'm holding as well as my pajamas bottoms and smirks. "Lazy day, huh?"

"Uh, yeah." I shrug, not wanting to give him too much information.

He walks around the living room, picking up and setting down several picture frames that Naruto has set out of his family.

He's starting to annoy me, so I walk to the other side of the room and cross my arms. "What did you want to talk to me about?" I snap.

"Oh, I just said that so you'd let me up," he tells me nonchalantly, holding up a photo frame for me to see of Naruto and Karin from when we were around eight. "Cute kid, huh?"

I must be frowning because he tells me to lighten the fuck up. I can't, though. I feel like I shouldn't have let him in because I feel pretty bad right now. I sit back down and continue to sip my tea. He sets the photo back down and sits next to me, taking the remote from my hand.

"You are a shitty host," he says, flicking through channels aimlessly. "Go get me something to drink."

"What do you want?" I ask.

"Water is fine," he says.

So, I go get him a glass. I linger in the kitchen for as long as I can. Then I hear him tell me to hurry up. I grab the glass and head back out, handing it to him.

"What's with you today?" he asks. "You seem more rigid than usual."

"I'm fine," I say. "You should leave before Naruto gets back."

He peers at me. "Why?"

"He has been in a bad mood lately," I lie. "He won't want company."

"Aw, are you lookin' out for me?" he teases, putting a hand on my thigh and giving me a squeeze. "That's nice, but I think I can handle myself against him."

I don't doubt that, but that is also what I am afraid of. I don't want Naruto to start a fight, because if he does I feel like Hiro will finish it.

"Why did you come over?" I ask, even though I know he won't give me a direct answer.

"Am I not allowed to see my favorite cousin?"

Ugh. I fucking hate it when he says that. I hate it more than anything. I know he says it just to get to me but there was a time when I believed it. Maybe it's even still true, but that's part of what's so fucked up about it.

"Why are you being so pissy lately?" He places a hand over his heart. "It hurts you know. I just want to spend time with you."

Gross.

"Well I don't want to spend time with you," I say flat-out.

"Mmm," he mumbles, examining his nails for a moment. "What a bummer."

He starts flicking through channels again. I sip on my tea, feeling thoroughly uncomfortable.

I want him to go away. I want him to disappear from my life forever. I feel like I won't be able to relax until I know that I won't ever see him again. I'm not saying I want him to die—because I don't—but I want him to move away or maybe go to prison.

"So, what's going on with that Naruto guy?" he pries, glancing at me and smirking slightly, like he knows this particular topic will get a rise out of me. "Is he still fucking you in the asshole?"

Gross.

Gross, gross, gross.

I go rigid. "No."

Hiro cackles. "Yeah, he is."

I want to scream, or strangle him, or something. Anything to make him shut his fucking mouth.

"Was that my fault by the way?" he asks, pointing to himself and putting on a sly smile. "I never really got a direct answer out of you last time."

"It has nothing to do with you!" I hiss, wanting him to drop it.

Maybe it fucking is his fault, though. Maybe it has everything to do with him. I have literally no clue. I don't even know if I'm into men or if I'm just trying to torture myself by reliving the worst moments of my life because I hate myself that fucking much.

"Phew," he says, pretending to wipe sweat off his forehead. "Mom and dad will be happy to hear that. Here everyone was running around saying that shit was because of me." He leans towards me and smiles. "Turns out you're just a fag I guess."

I don't say anything. I stare down into my cup of tea. I feel like crying. I don't want to start crying because I think that is what he wants, but I don't think I'm strong enough to swallow my emotions anymore.

"Stop," I whisper wetly. "Please."

I can't keep listening to him go on and on like this. I'm going to snap. I should hit him. I should do something. But I don't. I don't move.

Against my will, my eyes start leaking down my face. Hiro immediately takes notice of this.

He lets out a laugh and then says, "Aww… Did I make you cry again? I wasn't trying to, I promise." He rubs my back and it makes things worse. Nonetheless, I keep quiet. I don't make a sound. I don't sob. I don't tell him to fuck off. I just continue staring down into my tea cup with wet eyes.

I sit still, waiting and hoping and praying for Hiro to take his hand away. He doesn't. He just lets his palm softly rest on my shoulder, fingers curled like he's ready to grab me at any moment.

I feel like my fucking skin is burning off and everything around me is so damn loud.

I wish someone would knock me out and that I'd never wake up.

Is this some sort of sick mind game? Is he just waiting until I try to get away to say something nasty to me?

Even as I hear keys in the front door lock and realize that it's Naruto coming home early, I don't move. Neither does Hiro.

Naruto is going to lose his fucking mind.

The door swings open and Naruto immediately glances at me and Hiro. His eyebrows knit together. He forgets to close the door as he charges towards us. "What the FUCK is going on here?" He grabs me and tears me away from Hiro. I stumble to the floor and the tea spills. I don't bother getting up.

Naruto grabs a fistful of Hiro's shirt and heaves him up. Hiro looks totally unfazed. Naruto punches him square in the cheek and he still looks pretty calm. He glances at me and then says, "Did you fucking tell him?"

"I… no," I spit out stupidly.

"Lie!" he says in that same sing-songy tone he always uses.

Instead of kicking the crap out of me, he turns to Naruto and punches him right in the nose. Blood starts shooting out almost immediately.

"Fuck!" Naruto shouts, letting go of Hiro and bringing his hands up to his face.

His nose keeps gushing blood. I should get up and find a towel for him but I don't. I just sit motionless on the floor.

Hiro's eyes dart back to me. He stomps over and grabs my upper arm, wrenching me off the floor.

"You're fucking pathetic," he says in a low tone. He's not even yelling. He knows he doesn't have to. I'm scared shitless of him either way.

"Get the fuck out of our house!" Naruto lunges for Hiro again, this time shoving him single-handedly because his other hand is still preoccupied with his nose.

He shoots me one final glare before shaking Naruto off and letting himself out.

God, I'm glad he's gone, but I don't feel safe here. If he can find me, I'll always let him in. I don't know why. I don't know why I'm so weak.

When he's gone, Naruto closes the door and locks it before running into the bathroom.

I sit on the floor for what feels like a really long time. Naruto doesn't return. I swipe at my eyes and nose and force myself to my feet, moving towards the bathroom. The door is opened a crack, so I push it open the rest of the way. Naruto is sitting on the closed toilet seat lid. When he spots me, he says, "It won't stop bleeding."

"I'm sorry," I choke out.

"Why?" he asks.

"If I didn't let him in…" I trail off.

Naruto glances away. He looks disappointed and I hate it. "Yeah, if you didn't let him in…"

I move into the bathroom and stand beside him, placing my hands on his jaw and maneuvering it to a position where I can get a good look at his nose. Naruto still won't look me in the eyes.

"This looks bad," I mumble sheepishly, because it does. He's starting to get some bruising around and under his eyes.

"Yeah, it feels bad," he spits out at me, his voice nasally.

I can tell he's pissed, which sucks because I have literally no excuse.

"I told you not to fight him..." I justify poorly.

"What the FUCK was I supposed to do!?" he exclaims. "I come home and see his arm on your fucking shoulder and I'm supposed to do nothing?"

"You could've just told him to go home…" I suggest, but it sounds stupid.

"Do you really think he would've listened?" Naruto asks in a deadpan.

"No," I admit.

He tosses the bloody tissue in the trash and then gathers up another wad of toilet paper, covering his nose with it. "I need to go to the hospital," he says, standing up. He grabs his keys from his pockets and hands them to me. "You can drive since I can't like this."

I nod and we both head out. I slip into my shoes since Naruto is still wearing his and we both head out. We move down the hall and down the stairs and out of the building. I follow him to where his car is parked and get into the driver's seat. Naruto gets in the passenger's seat and I pull out of the parking space.

The ride is silent, but I can tell Naruto is fuming. It makes me feel guilty and bad.

He's probably wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. I mean, he knows what the fuck is wrong with me but not on this level. There's no way he'll ever be able to make heads or tails of what Hiro does to my mind.

He's gazing out the window and trading out a bloody tissue for a new one every couple of minutes. God, I feel like shit.

When we finally pull up into the parking lot, Naruto puts his hand on the door handle and turns, giving me a long stare.

"Never again," he says after a minute.

I don't respond, I just look back at him sheepishly.

"Don't ever fucking let him in our house again."

"Okay," I concede, although I doubt it's a promise I'll be able to keep.

I'd like to keep it, but I feel like things will inevitably get in the way. I am so easily manipulated. Naruto doesn't get it. He probably never will. I don't know if he'd get it even if I DID try to explain it to him.

We head into the hospital and I follow Naruto to the front desk of the Emerg. He explains his injuries, but they just send him to the waiting room after giving him some pain killers. He looks really pissed off – so I am kind of afraid to say anything to him right now.

He slumps in a seat and I sit down next to him, glancing around. There are other people here, but Naruto's injury looks the worst. Hopefully he will be let in soon. They do it by severity, right?

We end up waiting for a while. I don't know if they're short on rooms or what, but after about an hour I get up and buy a few bags of chips from the vending machine. It's dinner time but I get the feeling we won't be eating anytime soon.

"Salt and vinegar or nacho cheese?" I ask, offering them both up to Naruto.

He sighs at me and takes the cheese option. I guess he's getting hungry enough to acknowledge me now.

"Want to order a pizza when we get home?" I say in a vain attempt to make conversation. "That place a few blocks away is having a deal. They sent a coupon in the mail."

"Uh, sure," Naruto mumbles. "If we even get out of here tonight."

He slumps down further in his seat, looking disgruntled.

I don't know what to say. There's no way for me to fix this.

"Maybe I can get it delivered here?" I suggest, only half joking.

Naruto huffs, tilting his head up to look at me. "Are you just going to pretend like that didn't happen?" he snaps. His tone is loud and he draws the attention of some nearby folks.

"Calm down," I whisper.

"No!" he exclaims. "I'm pissed off, Kiba!"

"Yelling isn't going to make it any better," I murmur. "If you're going to yell, I'm not going to listen."

He sneers at me and doesn't bother responding. What feels like nearly an hour later, a doctor comes out and calls Naruto in. I wait here. He's in there for a while. I hope he doesn't need surgery or something. I already feel crappy. That would make things worse. He'd be angrier and I'd feel guiltier.

When he finally reappears, he has a splint on his nose and it looks like it's stopped bleeding for good.

"Let's go," he murmurs gruffly.

I sit up and follow him out. He holds his hand out and says, "My keys?"

I fish them out of my pocket and give them to him.

"My nose is broken," he tells me offhandedly as we walk towards the car.

"That sucks," I mumble. It's obvious he's trying to make me feel bad, although I wish he wouldn't. I already feel bad enough of my own accord.

"Yeah, it does," he scoffs, unlocking the passenger door for me. "If it's not healed by soccer season I can't play until it is."

I let out a heavy sigh. "Shit, how long do they usually take?"

He climbs in on the driver's side and turns the keys in the ignition. "Like a month," he grumbles.

That annoys me. It's the last week of July right now and we don't start until the first week of September.

"There's plenty of time for it to heal!" I exclaim. "Stop guilt tripping me!"

He ignores me. The ride home is as silent as the ride to the hospital.

When we reach the apartment building, we head up silently. Inside, Naruto heads straight to his room without another word. It makes me nervous. Is he going to kick me out? Maybe I should leave first. Then he won't have to.

Akamaru greets me, sniffing around by me legs. I sit on the floor and close my eyes, letting him nudge my face.

I don't want to be burdensome. If this is going to piss Naruto off so much, I should find somewhere else to stay and I'll deal with Hiro on my own.

I wonder if my parents would take me back. They'd probably make me beg.

The scene is too pitiful to imagine, but I don't think I have many other options. I'll be able to work in the school post office once classes start, but until then I'm completely broke. Even with the job I won't be able to afford a place of my own.

It's not fair of me to put Naruto in this situation, though. He doesn't deserve it and I feel like I'm dragging him down. I should get the fuck out before the rest of our friendship tanks.

I walk over to his door and tap on it lightly. "Naruto?"

No answer. He probably wants to be left alone.

"Naruto?" I say again, this time a little quieter, "I think that I should like—move out."

A second later I hear Naruto shuffling around in his room and soon after his door open.

"Are you kidding me?" he asks with a huge scowl.

"No," I say, trying to keep my voice calm and even toned. "You're mad and you're blaming me, I can tell. I don't want our friendship to get even more fucked up than it already is."

He crosses his arms. "Where would you go?"

I shrug. "To my parents, I guess. I don't really have many options."

Naruto scoffs loudly. "No. Absolutely not. If you go back there, you'll have to keep seeing that bastard and he'll probably end up fucking you up even more."

"Thanks," I mutter sarcastically.

"Just stay here," he says.

"I don't want to live with you if you're going to be an asshole!" I explain. "I can't make promises that I won't see him again. I can't tell you that I won't let him in next time he rings. I literally can't! So, if that is your ultimatum then I'm going to have to leave."

"Why?" Naruto practically shouts. "That literally makes no sense! Why don't you want to get away from him?"

"I DO!" I shout back.

He is staring at me, almost like he's wondering where to take things from here. He turns around, gesturing for me to follow him into his room. He sits on his bed and I sit down next to him.

"So, talk," he requests. "Explain it to me. Explain why the fuck this is so damn difficult."

"For fuck's sake, Naruto…" I murmur. "Do some fucking research! It's NOT rocket science. It's textbook psychology. Victims end up wanting to protect their abusers or they have some fucked up conflicting feelings. I can't help it. I can't just turn it off."

Naruto looks surprised. He probably wasn't expecting me to be able to lay it out like that. Well, that's probably because they're not my words, they're the therapist's. That's what she said to me in our session when I told her no matter how bad Hiro made me feel, I didn't know if I could ever really hate him.

"Okay," he concedes, "I'll look things up."

"Thank you," I say, exasperated.

"The only reason I wasn't before was because I didn't want to jump to conclusions," he explains. "It felt like an invasion of privacy to get on the internet and start reading about all the causes of PTSD and trying to assign one to you."

I guess that makes sense. I should probably thank him for trying to be thoughtful, but I'm just not in the mood right now.

"Okay," I murmur. "Well, you know now, so I'm giving you permission to."

"All right," he agrees with a firm nod. "Thanks." He looks thoughtful for a moment and then he adds, "We can't sleep together anymore."

"I know," I say. "I think that kind of goes without saying… I fucked up."

"No, you didn't," he insists. "The whole situation was messy from the start."

And I guess he's right about that. I don't know where my head was half of the time. I was using him. I think he knows that, but he's being nice enough not to make me feel shitty about it.

"I'm sorry," I say quietly.

He lets out a long sigh. "Yeah, me too."

Ugh. I want to crawl under a rock. This whole situation is so bad, I don't ever want to have to think about this again. I just want things to go back to how they were before spring break. I felt so much more stable, which is saying something considering how much of a wreck I've always been.

"I'm going to order that pizza," Naruto tells me, picking up a letter from our mail pile, probably to look for that coupon I told him about earlier. "Does that still sound good to you?"

I nod, feeling a lump rising in my throat. "I'm going to take a nap until it gets delivered," I say quietly, heading to my room. I just need a minute alone.

Akamaru pads after me and climbs onto my bed as I slip beneath the covers. He lies on top of me and I let out a heavy sigh as his weight compresses me into the mattress.

I stroke the fur behind his ears but it doesn't make me feel better. I still feel fucking dead.


	20. Chapter 20: Sasuke

**Sasuke's POV**

I haven't seen Naruto in a while. I don't really know what he's been up to. I don't know if Karin has gotten around to talking to him - not that it even matters at this point because I already had words with him about doing drugs around me.

I want to tell my parents that I want to take a year off, but I know that it won't go over well. They will be angry. They will want to know why I am insisting on throwing my life away when they are more than willing to provide me with the means of achieving all my goals.

I linger around the house until I hear everyone get home. I continue pacing, trying to figure out what I want to say. My dad is probably going to kill me.

Fuck, this is stressful.

Around six they call me down for dinner. It is uncomfortable.

Things never really got resolved between me and him after he found out I did so poorly in spring semester. Since then, tensions have just been building. We exchange curt hellos but not much else.

My mom made slow-cooker stew which looks delicious, but I'm almost too nervous to eat. I manage a slice or two of bread that she serves with the meal, but what is generally my favorite part ends up untouched.

Itachi must have noticed because now he's watching me, which is just making me more nervous. He probably knows that I have something important to say that is going to make our dad angry.

Towards the end of dinner I take my napkin from my lap and set it on the table, readying myself to make a quick getaway if necessary.

"So…" I mumble, "I have something I wanted to talk to you guys about."

"What is it now?" my dad asks gruffly.

Here we fucking go.

"I want to take a year off," I say, not bothering to draw it out. I want to get it over with.

My dad looks so sour, like his head might just blow right off. My mom looks unsure and she asks, "But why, Sasuke?"

"I need time away from school," I explain somewhat shakily. "I don't think it would be a good idea for me to go back now. I'd just keep messing up and I don't want to waste any more of your money."

"It wouldn't be a waste if you stopped screwing around so much," my dad barks.

"I'm not screwing around..." I murmur.

"Then what ARE you doing?"

"I don't know," I whisper, because I can't tell them the reason for all of this. If I did, everything would get even worse.

This isn't fair to me. I feel like any other parent would understand but my dad has made it absolutely clear that he has no intention of listening to my side of things. It should be obvious that I'm in crisis. I haven't been doing well for months. We barely talk and I'm hardly home when they are.

"You need to pull yourself together," my dad says sternly, leaning back in his chair. "We did not raise you to make decisions like this."

"Okay, well-" I retort, "It's the decision I'm making regardless."

Itachi eyes me, warning me to be careful. He's never been in this boat before though. He doesn't know what it feels like. I wish he would just fuck off.

I don't argue anymore. I pick at some of the food on my plate and then decide I am fucking done. Without another word I get up and go up to my room. I take a long shower and shave and brush my teeth. I feel restless. I debate on texting Naruto, but I don't. I don't want to seem clingy. I know he has a lot if shit on his mind these days and I don't want to add stress.

Around 8PM my mom comes into my room.

"Me and your dad are going to step out for a bit," she says to me.

"Why?" I bite out.

"He wants to get away for a couple hours," she explains.

"He just wants to get away from me."

She gives me a piteous look. "Your father loves you. He just doesn't understand you."

"Whatever," I mumble. "Bye."

With that, she leaves. A few minutes later I hear the front door open and close. Guess they left quickly.

I don't see why no one seems to understand how bad these reactions make me feel. I'm trying to be open. I'm trying to be honest. I really do think I would flounder in school if I started up again right away but no one wants to listen. They just want me to be perfect.

A moment later there's a tap on my door. It must be Itachi.

"Come in," I call, wondering what the fuck he could possibly want to say to me.

The door opens slowly and Itachi pokes his head in. Once he sees me sitting on my bed he enters like he has a mission.

"What's wrong?" he questions, sitting down beside me. "Why don't you want to go back to school?"

"I DO want to go back to school. I just CAN'T yet," I explain, sitting up in bed. "I'll go back after next year."

He stares at the wall, looking thoughtful. There is a crease in his brow. "Did something happen to you?" he asks me.

"No," I insist right away.

"You've been upset for a long time," he continues critically. "It's been months. I thought you were just overworked from classes at first. I thought things would be different when you had some time to recuperate this summer, but nothing has changed." He makes a humming sound and then says, "I think it was… at the start of the year? You stopped calling and visiting. When I called you, you couldn't wait to get off the phone."

I shrug my shoulders. "I don't know what you me to tell you."

He gives me a piteous look. "Sasuke, come on. I'm not an idiot."

"I just don't like losing control," I say simply. "I feel like I'm spiraling."

He stares at me intently. "Are you sure that's it?"

"Yes, that's it," I respond impatiently.

"I think you're lying," he accuses.

"Well, I'm not," I insist. My voice starts to get shaky. I feel cornered again – the way I felt when I told Karin.

Itachi looks even more piteous. He reaches a hand up and pushes the bangs away from my face before settling his hand on my hairline. "Sasuke, what's really wrong? Please tell me."

I close my eyes and shake my head. My throat tightens. I can't say it. I put my palms over my face. I can't say it.

"I was at a party…" I explain, hoping that maybe Itachi will catch on without me having to spell it out for him.

God, even this is too much. I press my palms into my eyes as they start to leak. Ugh. I can't believe this is happening.

He puts an arm around me in an attempt to be comforting. "Where?" he presses.

"One of the fraternities," I stammer out.

He doesn't seem surprised like I expected him to be.

"I know mom and dad would disapprove since it's irresponsible, but I used to go to those things all the time. I don't anymore though," I continue, trying to explain myself.

"Everyone goes to them," Itachi answers quickly. "Everyone knows everyone goes to them."

"I know, I just…" I trail off.

"It's okay," he assures. "You don't need to explain your actions. Just tell me what happened."

I stare down at my clammy hands. I sniffle and swallow audibly. I feel like such a fucking mess. I feel like I've been ruined. I press my fingertips to my closed eyelids, trying to force the words out somehow.

This is hard. I don't know why it's so hard. It's harder than it was telling Karin. I don't know why. Maybe it's because he's my brother. I know for a fact that he has defended men who have been accused of rape. So has my father. Maybe my mother has, too. I know that is their job and everyone has the right to a proper trial with a competent lawyer, but it still puts a bad taste in my mouth. If I became a lawyer, I could never do the things they do.

I let out a sob and then a strangled sound when I try to calm myself down, but it doesn't work. I let out another string of pathetic sobs and my entire body starts shaking. Itachi looks wary, but part of me feels like he already knows what I'm about to say. He's just waiting for me to confirm it.

He rubs my shoulders and then says, "Sasuke, it's okay… I'm not going to be upset. Just tell me what happened and we'll remedy it."

"You can't," I whisper hoarsely.

Just say it.

Just fucking say it.

I raise my head again, staring off into empty space.

"I was raped."

Itachi takes a sharp breath, then lets it back out slowly.

"Someone drugged and raped me," I sob out again. The words come out a little more easily this time.

"Who!?" He stands up from the bed and looks at me straight on, the tone of his voice still severe.

I shrug, not knowing what to say.

"Who was the asshole who did that to you!?" he repeats.

"I don't know!" I confess, bringing my hands to my knees and gripping the fabric of my pants. "It wasn't someone I knew! It wasn't someone _anyone_ knew!"

"Does he go to school with you?" Itachi asks harshly. He sounds absolutely fucking furious, but it's not directed at me. Part of me is relieved, but I also can't even imagine where telling him is going to take me.

"Yes!" I choke out.

And maybe that's another reason why I don't want to go back. I'm paranoid. Naruto said he looked like he was older. Maybe by the time I go back, he will have graduated.

"Did you get a rape kit done?" Itachi asks.

"No," I whisper. "I think he used a… condom…"

"Still –" he starts, but I cut him off.

"I KNOW!" I shout and my voice sounds so fucking high-pitched. "I KNOW I should have gotten it done! I know there could have been trace amounts of SOMETHING that could have been used, but I didn't! I felt too sick to move and when I finally felt slightly better, the first thing I wanted to do was shower!" I sniffle and swipe at my eyes. "There was no case, Itachi. Nothing like this ever goes to trial, so it doesn't fucking matter."

"That's not true," Itachi insists, "we would have represented you. Our whole family would have been on that case night and day until we made something of it."

"It doesn't matter anyway." I cross my arms. "I couldn't have gotten a rape kit done even if had I wanted to. I didn't even remember what had happened until I had already showered multiple times! The drug fucking wiped my memory for like an entire week!"

Itachi brings a hand to his forehead and stares at the ground. He looks like he's thinking. He's probably going to try to fix this, although there's literally no way he can.

He covers his mouth and knits his eyebrows together, then looks back to me. "Do you have any proof at all?" he asks.

"Literally no," I say honestly.

"That makes things difficult," he murmurs.

"No shit," I retort.

"Look, we'll figure something out."

"I don't want to!" I seethe. "I just… I want to feel better!"

I wish I could rewrite that entire night. But I can't. There's nothing anyone can do. Nothing will ever be okay because something was taken from me and it's not the kind of thing that can be taken back so easily.

"I can get you in to see a really good therapist," Itachi says. "I'll make the calls. You won't have to do anything except show up."

I shake my head. "It's too hard to talk about…"

"But you're talking about it to me just fine," he says.

"Well, I don't want to talk to strangers."

"Therapists aren't strangers," Itachi explains, sounding annoyed. "You can't think of it like that."

I don't understand why he's getting frustrated with me for not wanting to go about this his way. It's not about him. It's not fucking about him at all.

"Stop it," I say to him firmly. "I didn't tell you just so you could lecture me on all the stuff I've fucked up on. I'm dealing with it my way."

And my way is not dealing with it at all. For now, at least.

I think I must have gotten my point across because Itachi shuts up. He lets out a heavy sigh and sits down in the chair at my desk, resting his elbows on his knees and propping his head up on his palms.

"What do you want to do, then?" he asks me. "How are you dealing with it?"

Honestly, I'm not. I'm just pushing it aside every time it creeps up on me. I don't really know how to make it easier.

I think Itachi senses this because he sighs again and then continues with, "Let me know if you change your mind. I think therapy would help you. I know some good doctors."

"Okay," I mumble.

"Until then, my door is always open," he adds. "You can talk to me whenever you feel like it."

"Okay," I repeat in the same, dull tone.

"I will vouch for you if Mom and Dad give you a hard time."

"Don't tell them!" I add quickly.

"I won't," he promises, "but you should."

I scoff loudly. Yeah, right! Like that would go over well. My dad would probably just blame me and my mom would just get upset.

Itachi watches me for a moment longer, but when I don't say anything he takes his leave. He's probably sensing that I want to be left alone right now.

I lean back into my pillows and let out a huff. This is exactly the opposite of how I wanted my day to go down. I really wasn't planning on telling Itachi. I wasn't planning on telling Karin either, though.

Rolling over, I pick my phone up off my bedside table and see that I have a new text from Naruto.

I tap in my passcode and go to the messages app. It's an emoji of a piece of pizza with a question mark after it.

I send him back one of a plate of spaghetti. A second later a "read" notification pops up followed by the three grey dots that let me know he's typing.

" _Want to come over for dinner?_ _"_ his message appears.

I contemplate it, trying to decide if it's worth the trek.

" _Is Kiba there?_ _"_ I ask a moment later.

I don't know if I even really care if he is. I don't want to be home right now, no matter what. I'd much rather deal with a moody asshole than my dad coming home and whaling on me.

Naruto responds and says he's not but he might return later. I tell him that's fine and he says he'll pick me up in an hour.

I don't know what to do until then. I feel restless and I start to realize that I don't really want to be alone right now. I leave my room and I debate on going to find Itachi again, but when I do his office door is closed. He's probably busy. He's probably studying for upcoming trials.

I don't bother opening the door. I head back to my room and pick up my phone, putting it in my pocket before going downstairs. I get a glass of water in the kitchen and then I go to the reading room. I pick up a book, but then I get bored after a page. Instead, I pick up a photo album.

I hate these fucking things. They just make me depressed. I leaf through pages and pages of me and Itachi and my parents and my cousins and my aunts and my uncles. Everyone I smiling curtly or not smiling at all.

I put the photo album back and then sit still.

Everything that's happened today is making me feel incredibly anxious and I'm not sure how to get myself to calm down.

I stare at the wall, trying to focus on one point to ground myself with.

I shouldn't be surprised that my parents reacted poorly, but I can't help but feel disappointed.

I'm their son and they should trust my judgement, right? I haven't given them very many reasons not to. I suppose they could count my poor grades last semester as a reason, but I don't. All of this is connected. They could probably figure that out if they paid any attention.

As I sit, thoughts keep racing through my head. I wonder if I had phrased things differently if they would have taken it better. I wonder if I had told them earlier…

Maybe Itachi is right—I should just tell them what happened.

No. I can't tell them.

The doorbell rings.

I glance around the room quickly and up at the clock on the mantel. I guess an hour passed.

I feel like this has been happening to me more recently.

I stand up and make my way to the front door, opening it slightly to see Naruto hanging out on our front stoop.

"Hey!" he exclaims as soon as he spots me. "Ready to go?"

Immediately I notice that he's sporting a newly acquired nose splint.

"What the fuck happened to you?" I ask in astonishment, opening the door the rest of the way and eyeing the bruising under his eyes and extending up between his eyebrows.

"Oh don't worry about that," he laughs, waving a hand at my dismissively, "I'll tell you about it later."

Warily I step out the front door and close it behind me, following him down the driveway. I can't stop staring at his face. It looks like it hurts.

I'm still dressed like shit, but I don't give a fuck – especially not if we're going to be hanging at his house all night. He's seen me at my worst many times – all gross and crying. I doubt I need to try and impress him. Even if I wanted to, it would be pointless. If someone sees you looking your worst, their opinion probably isn't going to change. If they still want to hang out with you, then they probably aren't judging you too harshly. I know Naruto isn't judging me, but I still feel bad when I think about these things.

We walk to his car and he asks me what I feel like eating. I tell him I am up for anything. He smirks slightly, probably expecting the typical response.

When we settle in his car, he asks me, "You okay?"

"Totally fine," I insist.

"You sound… I dunno," he trails off. "You sound kinda upset."

"Had a rough day so far," I tell him vaguely, hoping he'll leave it at that but knowing he probably won't. "So, I'm glad you asked me to come over," I add, hoping he'll be satisfied.

"Your parents?" he presses.

"Pretty much," I reply vaguely. I don't really want to get into this with him. I just want to stop thinking about it.

"Sucks they're so hard on you," Naruto says, turning his key in the ignition. "You don't deserve it."

"Yeah…" I mumble.

He's right. I don't deserve it. There's nothing wrong with me wanting to take time off. It's not like I want to quit altogether. I'm still determined to get my degree and there will still be a job waiting for me at the family law firm regardless of if I finish in three years or four.

We drive for a while longer and once we start to get closer to his apartment, Naruto side-eyes me.

"Does take-out sound okay?" he questions. "I don't really feel like cooking tonight."

"That's fine," I tell him.

"Thai?"

I nod. "Let me get it this time," I say, pulling out my phone, "You always pay."

He smirks. "I don't mind."

I give him a dull look. "Well, I do."

"Too bad," he retorts simply.

Soon enough, we pull into the parking lot of a Thai restaurant.

"This place is great," Naruto says.

"I haven't been here before," I admit as we approach the front and scan a takeout menu. "What's good?"

"Do you like tofu? They have some good tofu dishes," he says, pointing to various dishes. "They also make great ginger chicken."

"Oh, uh…" I murmur, scanning the menu. There are so many things and I don't know which one to choose. "Fuck, I don't know. You can pick something for me. I'm not fussy."

"You sure?" he asks.

I nod and Naruto orders for us. He gets me basil tofu and he gets himself some kind of chicken dish. We wait around after he pays and I decide to ask him, "What are we doing to do tonight?"

"Whatever you want to do," he says. "I don't have much planned. I just wanted to hang. It's always more fun to laze around with another person."

"True…" I agree.

"We can watch a movie," he suggests, "Or play a game maybe. I have a pretty good selection of board games I've been collecting since I was a kid."

"Can we play with two people?" I ask, watching the woman behind the counter shuffle around and bring various orders out of the back room.

"Well…" Naruto brings a hand to his thin thoughtfully, "Maybe we can play a game if Kiba comes back and decides not to act like a dick."

I snort, glancing at him out of the corner of my eye. "You think Kiba would play a board game with me?"

"Maybe." He shrugs. "He's been watching himself more lately."

"You give him a lecture?" I wonder.

"Sort of." Naruto lets out a strained laugh. "I think you two could actually get along if you knew one another better."

I raise an eyebrow. "Maybe let's stick to a movie."

He smiles wryly. "Okay."

When our food is done, we head back to the car and ride back to his apartment. I want to talk to him about the fact that we kissed, but I don't really know how to bring it up. I don't know if I should or if I should leave it. If I do bring it up, what would be the right time?

It makes me feel juvenile to be so unsure. I don't like it. I have no control over this sensation and I don't like it at all.

I want to know what he thinks of me. Does he just think I'm hot? Does he think something more? He said I was the entire package, but was he speaking objectively? Subjectively?

Naruto unlocks his apartment door and we head in. He sets the takeout bag on the coffee table in the living room and then asks, "Want a drink?"

"Water is fine," I say and he disappears into the kitchen as I take a seat on the sofa.

I rub my forehead, trying to calm down. I should just try and enjoy my time with him for what it is. We're friends. I should be satisfied with that much.

When he returns, he has two cups of water. He hands me a glass and then sits down beside me.

"So…" I mumble, eyeing his nose and hoping that he'll give me a more direct answer now that we're in a private setting, "What happened with…that?"

Naruto chuckles. "You don't want to hear about all that. It's dramatic."

"Did someone punch you?" I press. I wonder if it's someone I know and if Naruto was mouthing off.

"Sort of…" He tilts his head to the side. "I mean, yeah. Someone punched me."

He leans forward and picks his takeout container out from the bag, popping off the plastic lid and sticking his fork in it.

"Why?" I ask, grabbing my food as well.

"I punched them first." Naruto admits. His voice is strained, like he's struggling with what he's telling me. It sounds like he's frustrated but also embarrassed.

"Was it Kiba?" I huff. Was that what Naruto meant when he said he sort of gave him a lecture?

"No, no." Naruto shakes his head.

"Then…?"

Naruto lets out a heavy sigh. "It was Kiba's cousin, Hiro. That guy I was telling you about that's a super douche?"

I feel myself frown. "Why would he punch you…?"

"Because he's fucking NUTS!" Naruto explodes angrily, suddenly sounding ridiculously angry at the situation. He grits his teeth, staring down into his food container. "I couldn't fucking help it… I punched him and then he punched me. God, I didn't even use all of my strength. He did, though."

"Damn," I murmur. "Are you okay, though? I mean, like… emotionally and shit?"

"Aw," he says with a little laugh. "Yeah, I'm okay. Thanks. I am just annoyed for Kiba's sake. His cousin is a real sore piece of work."

"He sounds like it…" I reply. "Why is he like that?"

"Dunno," Naruto mumbles.

I feel like he probably does have some semblance of an idea, but I probably don't have any right to know. It's not my business, after all.

"It's whatever," he says bitterly. "I had to go the hospital and get my nose set. God that was a fucking pain in the ass. But it happened and now it's done."

"So why did you…?" I press, knowing that Naruto isn't generally the type to get unreasonable angry. "Why did you punch him in the first place? Other than him being a jerk."

"He just kept mouthing off," he answers quickly. "He was being rude and I told him to get out and he didn't so I fucking socked him."

That sounds like a shockingly underwhelming reason, but I guess I don't know exactly what Hiro was saying. From the sound of it, Naruto doesn't want to tell me.

"It's fine, I won't be seeing any more of him," Naruto concludes.

"No?" I take a bite of my food.

Naruto shakes his head. "I told Kiba not to invite him over."

"That's fair." I shrug.

"I don't know what he was fucking thinking," Naruto hisses, sounding like he's mostly saying it to himself.

I decide not to pry. A moment later, he grabs the remote and asks me what I want to watch.

"I don't care," I say. "Anything. You can pick."

"Jeez, you're permissive today."

Naruto puts on some crappy looking slasher. It's not exactly my cup of tea, but I did tell him he could pick, so I decide not to complain.

"Kiba will probably be home around six or seven," Naruto says. "He had service dog training shit today and he usually wastes time coming home afterwards."

"Okay," I reply.

"Shit is so messed with Kiba lately…" Naruto adds, saying it almost like it's an afterthought. "I don't know why… Maybe it's worse 'cause we slept together again. I don't fucking know."

That surprises me. I didn't think he was going to do it with him again, but I guess I was wrong. I try not to look too disheartened, but it fucking hurts to hear.

"It was so fucking awful," he tells me, bringing a hand to his forehead, "He even like, initiated things, and I thought everything would be fine because he seemed into it. Then it turned into this giant fucking mess."

"Hm," I murmur. I want to tell Naruto that that's what he gets for playing with peoples' feelings. I hardly even feel bad for him. I told him Kiba was going to get attached if they kept messing around like that.

"I told him no way, never again." Naruto scowls. "It was too much and he agreed. So that's the end of that."

I blink. "He agreed?" I ask.

"Yeah." Naruto shrugs. "It was pretty obvious that the setup we had wasn't working for either of us."

The answer feels vague. I feel like somehow I'm not getting the whole story. It doesn't fit what I've heard so far for Kiba to just back down like that.

"Why, though?" I pry. "Did he catch feelings or something?"

"No, no…"

"Then what?"

I don't get why they would risk their friendship over something like this. He keeps insisting Kiba doesn't have feelings for him, but what else would explain their situation?

"It's complicated," Naruto says. "It's just… It was a bad situation from the start. We weren't doing it for the right reason. Well, he wasn't, at least…"

I don't really know what he means by that.

"Then why was he doing it?"

Naruto wrinkles his nose. "Honestly, I don't really know. I feel like he was doing it to screw himself over and I don't really want to be a part of that… Like, some messed up coping mechanism that he always ended up regretting." He lets out a bitter laugh. "Doesn't that sound fucked up as hell?"

"Yeah… but I can understand it," I admit.

He raises an eyebrow at me but doesn't ask. "I could never do something like that," is all he says, "It's impossible for me to do shit I don't want to do. I have a hard enough time doing shit I DO want to do."

I guess he's just never felt that low.

I turn back to my food and pick at it a little bit. It's fine, but not as good as what Naruto cooks at home. Next time I'll tell him I prefer what he makes.

Naruto turns the volume back up on the movie and glues his eyes to it. He doesn't seem like he wants to talk about this anymore, which is fair. I don't really want to either. Thinking about Kiba and Naruto hooking up just makes my chest hurt.

We finish eating and we continue watching the movie. It makes me feel a little jumpy. This is why I don't like horror movies. Naruto laughs every time I jolt. Well, I'm glad HE finds it funny because I sure don't.

By the time the movie is over, Naruto scrolls through the TV guide to try and find something else to watch. Before he can settle on anything, the front door opens and Kiba waltzes in with his dog.

"Kiba," Naruto greets immediately. "Wanna play a board came with us?"

Great.

"…I guess," Kiba mumbles, unhooking Akamaru's vest.

And so that's what we do. Naruto ends up choosing scrabble and the three of us play.


	21. Chapter 21: Naruto

**Naruto's POV**

The day before fall semester starts Kiba and I walk over to campus to figure out where our classes are being held.

Someone told me on the first day of freshmen year when I was late to my medieval history course that the trick is to walk through your schedule in advance. I made sure to try that out in the spring and it helped, so here I am again.

Kiba's classes are mostly in the science building. He's heavy loading with genetics and physics in addition to one english and one statistics course. I hope he'll be able to handle all of it.

I'm still trying to figure out what I want to study and my classes ended up being easy again because of it. I'm taking special topics in politics, intro to anthropology, classical Chinese narrative, and principles of astronomy.

My academic advisor must think I'm a fucking mess.

Kiba and I grab coffee and then continue scouring the campus for our classrooms.

I don't think Sasuke is coming back this year. I feel bad for him. He seems like he's all over the place lately. I've been seeing him as much as I can. I like spending him with him because each time I feel like I'm bringing him slightly more out of his shell.

I mean, he's still closed off as hell, but less so. He's friendlier. He smiles more. I like it. I like it when he's happy because he isn't such a dick. When he loosens up, he can be really adorable.

I liked being with him the night of the drag show. Too bad I had to go and screw it up. I think he would've let me fuck him if I didn't. I kind of want to. I think he'd be great in the sack.

I'm surprised me doing some coke bugged him out so badly. He used to get so trashy at parties that I can't help but feel like it's a little bit hypocritical of him. Still, if it bothers him that much I'll make sure not to do it around him again.

He's definitely hooked up with girls who were fucked up on drugs before, but maybe now that he's exploring his real self a little more he's trying to use more discretion.

Bummer for me.

Speaking of, I haven't been able to do cocaine AT ALL lately. Supposedly my nose is "healed"—enough for me to play soccer at least—but snorting still hurts like a bitch. I tried once and felt like crying afterwards.

Last week I tried eating some, but it takes kind of a lot and doesn't hit the same.

I took all of my leftover Ritalin pills. I tried to save them for studying, but I'm thinking about trying to get a new prescription just so I have some sort of fix to do me until my nose is totally healed.

It's fucking annoying. I feel pretty restless and antsy lately.

After finding all of the classes, me and Kiba head back to the apartment.

"Feel like doing anything today?" I ask him.

"We just did," he points out.

"I mean… something fun," I say. "Want to go shopping or watch a movie?"

"No," he mumbles. "I'm probably going to take a nap. You made me get up too damn early."

I roll my eyes at that, but I decide not to bug him. I'm trying REALLY hard not to piss him off lately.

We haven't really had a real conversation about what happened back in July, but every now and then Kiba will tell me something about Hiro and what he did. It's usually unprovoked on my part but always when he's feeling down.

I've also stuck by my guns and we haven't slept together again, thank god. I can't even imagine what kind of train wreck that would be.

Kiba hasn't seen Hiro again either, or at least I don't think so. He hasn't at least when I've been around. I don't think he'd risk bringing him over to the apartment again either after what happened last time.

I know they still talk though. Sometimes I hear Kiba getting worked up talking to someone over voice chat. I don't know why he maintains the relationship but it makes me sick to my stomach to think about.

Kiba retires to his room and I sit in the living room, flicking through the channels.

I don't get why Kiba can still be around Hiro. I guess I will never understand it, though. Not like he does. I've never been abused like that. It makes me sad to think that he was. I wish he would stop talking to that sicko, but he makes it sound like he can't and sometimes he doesn't even want to. It's all probably engrained so deep in his skull.

I've been trying to do some research so I am better at dealing with this stuff. I don't want to ever make things harder on him.

Hiro was furious when he left my place. I don't want him to hurt Kiba next time they see one another. When I saw him there with his arm around Kiba… I fuckin' lost it.

It was fucking disgusting. I don't know what he was planning on doing and I don't ever want to find out. God, it makes me want to puke.

When I went to deck him it was like every bad thought I've ever had about someone got compressed and bundled into one. I put it all into that first punch I threw.

I shouldn't have tried to hit Hiro. Kiba didn't want me to. I knew Hiro would hit back harder, I just didn't care. I couldn't control myself. I wanted to crush him.

I still feel so angry over the whole thing. I just can't put it aside. Thoughts keep running through my head about how I can fix it or at the very least get Hiro to leave Kiba the fuck alone, even though there's literally nothing I can do.

I hate this feeling. I hate not being able to help people. Even if Kiba wanted me to, I don't think I could. It's like Hiro has this permanent hold on him. It's the most heartbreaking thing in the fucking world.

.

.

Around 5PM, I text Sasuke asking if he wants to chill. I tell him I need to get out of the house for a while. He accepts my offer and I tell him I'll swing by to get him in a few.

I grab my keys, my wallet and pocket my phone before slipping into my sneakers and heading out. The drive to Sasuke's house is familiar by now. Soon enough, I'm pulling into his driveway.

I ring the doorbell and then wait. A few minutes later his brother opens the door. He looks a lot like Sasuke, but more aged and with longer hair. His eyes look tired.

"Oh… hi!" I greet him. "I'm Sasuke's friend. Is he around?"

"He is – just a moment." He turns away and shouts, "Sasuke!" He opens the door wider, allowing me to wait inside.

His brother stands with me as I wait at the bottom of the stairs. He doesn't say anything, just occupies himself with entering things into the calendar on his phone. Today must be a workday for him.

A few moments later, Sasuke appears at the top of the stairs.

"Sorry," he tells me, slipping his arm into one of his sweatshirt sleeves, "You got here faster than I expected."

"No worries!" I exclaim, waving a little hello at him, "I didn't mean to show up so quickly, I was just eager to get out of the house."

Sasuke gives me a concerned look but I'm careful not to let my cheery expression disappear. I'm not really interested in explaining exactly why I needed a break from the apartment. I already have a hard enough time keeping my mouth shut about all the shit that's going on with Kiba without being asked directly about it.

We say bye to his brother, who waves us off, and then we head to my car.

"Your brother seems all right," I say, recalling the cold shoulder I got showing up at Kiba's place when his family was home.

"Itachi is great," Sasuke says. "We actually had a talk the other day and he didn't make me feel like shit after."

"Aw," I reply with a little laugh. "Well, why would he make you feel like shit?"

"Because that's what my parents do," he murmurs. "I mean, my mom doesn't intend to… but she still does."

"Hm," I muse with a little nod. "Well, I'm glad your brother is supportive."

"Yeah…"

We pull out of his driveway and head down the street. The weather is nice today. Maybe we will do something outside instead of staying in.

"What've you been doing all day?" I ask him.

"Nothing," he admits. "You?"

"Me and Kiba went to the campus and located all of our classes," I say with a little laugh. I spare him a quick glance from the corner of my eye. He looks guilty. He probably feels bad that he won't be joining us back at school.

"People are going to wonder why I left," he murmurs. "I don't want to have to explain it."

"Then don't," I say simply.

"I just hate knowing that people are wondering things about me or making assumptions," he tells me, pulling the level on the side of the seat to readjust it and lean back. "That's why I like having a good reason for everything."

"Make something up," I suggest. "Tell them it's money related or there's something serious happening with your family. If you make it something awkward then people won't want to ask more about it."

Sasuke frowns. "I don't want to make it something awkward."

"Then don't!" I chuckle. "Say that since you already know what field you're going into you wanted to take some time off and get hands on experience! That makes sense!"

Sasuke shrugs. I can't tell if he's taking anything I'm saying to heart. Probably not.

"I know they're going to assume that…" he trails off, sounding like he said something he didn't mean to say. "Never mind."

"What?" I probe.

"Never mind," he insists more firmly.

"Come oooon," I whine.

"That party," he murmurs. "The one where I forgot things. People are going to insist it has something to do with that."

"Well, does it?"

I feel like he started getting weird after that, but it seems like such a fucking touchy topic I don't want to ask him about it anymore. He got so mean when I did it in the past.

"No," he says, sounding bored. "It literally has nothing to do with that."

"If I hear anyone saying it, I'll tell them that's not it," I say, trying to reassure him that it's not the end of the fucking world.

"Okay," he mumbles.

"So," I say, deciding to change the subject, "what do you feel like doing today?"

"Whatever," he replies indecisively.

I groan at that. "Fine… Um… Wanna go get coffee? Or go to the park?"

"Whatever," he says again.

It drives me nuts when he does this! I just want to know that he actually wants to be hanging out with me. Right now, it doesn't seem like he wants to be here at all.

Jesus Christ, he's so boring when he's like this. I know he has things he enjoys; I just wish he would tell me. It was awesome on pride weekend when he was actually super stoked to go to that drag show. I wonder if I recommended that bar again if he would be down. Not tonight obviously since classes start tomorrow, but maybe on a weekend.

"So, what courses are you taking this term?" Sasuke asks in a lame attempt to change the subject.

"Nothing worth noting," I admit. "I still have no fucking clue what I'm even trying to get a degree in."

"Think you'll know by the end of this year?" He sits up a little. "That's the time people have to declare by."

"I know," I let out a sigh, "I've been trying to decide."

"Oh," he says. "Well, good luck."

He sounds sarcastic, but I don't think that is his intention.

Since he's being wishy-washy, I decide to head to the public gardens. I park the car and we head through the front gates. First, we get coffee at a little station at the front entrance. Well, Sasuke gets green tea. I let him pay this time, since he insists on it and it's only a couple bucks.

After that, we stroll through the park and look at the floral arrangements and the trees and the ponds.

"It's nice here…" he notes. "I've never been here before."

I gape at him. "Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"I used to come here a lot as a kid to feed ducks," I say. "I loved it."

He's glancing around, taking in all the sights. "I can see why. It's pretty."

"My parents would bring me," I decide to share offhandedly. "Before they passed away."

"Oh." Sasuke stiffens a little, glancing down at the water. "This is a nice place for them to have brought you."

I nod my head. "It's okay," I say, "Talking about them doesn't make me sad the same way it used to."

I don't really know what I'm trying to do here. Maybe if I open up to Sasuke about something more personal then he'll open up to me. That's kind of how this works, right? Give and take? That's what I'm hoping anyway.

His body relaxes as he looks over to me and realizes that this isn't going to be the tense conversation he was probably expecting. "You had a good support system," he tells me warmly.

"I did." I agree, "My aunt and uncle are great. Having Karin around helped a lot, too. We would always play together and it took my mind off things."

"My parents never took me places," he admits softly. "I think that's why I'm not very social."

"I think you do all right," I tell him sincerely. "I mean, you're pretty closed off… but you're starting to open up and I like that."

Sasuke shrugs. "I was jealous. I wanted what you had. My parents never really let me be a kid. It was always about school, about being the best, the top of my class…"

And I guess this is why he can't loosen up. Now he's hard on himself, just like his parents are.

"I don't even remember having that much fun in my childhood," he continues with a bitter laugh. "That sounds bleak, but… It's true."

No fucking wonder he turned out this way.

"I'm sorry," I sympathize.

He shrugs carelessly, probably trying to act like it doesn't bother him so much. I can tell it does, though. He probably feels like he missed out on things

"You can have fun now," I tell him with a sly wink. "You're taking a year off, aren't you? Why not use this time to find some things you like doing besides kicking ass at school. Develop your hobbies or whatever."

"I'm only taking a semester off," he corrects me, his eyes turning back to the ducks in the pond. "Besides, I want this time off to be productive. I have to work on myself and make sure I'm ready to go back in the spring."

"But you could take a whole year if you wanted; the school allows it," I say persistently. "Besides, what do you even have to work on?"

"A lot," he tells me vaguely. "Personal stuff."

Great. Back to square one. He's shutting me out again.

"Well… okay," I say, not really sure where to go from here. I want him to open up! I want him to talk about his feelings.

For a few minutes, we're quiet. It doesn't feel tense, though.

"I think you can do both," I decide to add. "You can work on yourself and you can have fun."

"Well, yeah," he responds. "I mean, I DO have fun. I have fun with you all the time."

"Really?" I ask, trying to hide how fucking pleased I am to hear that.

"Of course," he assures me.

"Aw, good," I say gladly. I put an arm around him and give him a brief side-hug. I almost expect him to shake me off, but he doesn't.

When I pull back a moment later he doesn't say anything, but he does look sort of flustered. I wonder if my hug embarrassed him. He's probably not used to that sort of display of affection. I do that with all my friends though, so it's totally typical for me.

Now that I think about, the closest I've ever seen Sasuke get with someone is with the girls who used to hang off him at parties freshmen year that he'd end up taking back to his room later. He was always wasted, but still somehow managed to seem stiff and uncomfortable. I always just thought he had a stick up his ass, but I guess I know the real reason now.

So, yeah. That was the closest I've seen him with someone else. That and us at pride, I guess. God I'm still so mad I fucked that up.

Sasuke sips his tea, staring straight ahead. He's pretty – probably the best looking guy I know. So, yeah, I'm annoyed I fucked up. If I didn't, I probably would've tapped that by now.

"What?" he asks, peering over at me.

"Just admiring," I say with a wink.

He opens his mouth to respond, but then he doesn't. He glances away again, like he's unsure how to respond. I guess he isn't much of a flirt when he's not drunk.

"I'm nothing to be admired," he finally murmurs.

I laugh at that. "Jeez, are you having a bad self-confidence day or something?"

He shrugs. "I don't know. I have good days and bad days, I suppose, just like anyone else."

It's hard to believe. He knows he's hot as hell, but I guess off days occur even for the best looking people.

I really, really want to get with him. I think maybe he feels that way too, but after what happened last time I'm not sure. He may have just been flirting because we were drunk and now that the moment has passed he isn't interested anymore.

Sasuke is kind of a wild card. He's hard to read and unlike Kiba, I don't think he'll necessarily stay friends with me if I keep fucking up or push him too far out of his comfort zone. We just don't have enough history for that.

I'm honestly surprised that he's even hung around me for this long all things considered. I guess we have fun when it's just the two of us but almost every time he's been to my house it's been a shit show.

I guess I'm still just learning who he is and what bothers him. The whole situation at pride really was an accident. Sasuke seems understanding of that though.

"Fair," I reply.

I watch as he sips his tea. He continues glancing all around. I guess he's appreciating the scenery. "You seem to have all good days," he says as an afterthought.

I can't help but laugh at that. "Ah, well, you just haven't seen me on a bad day, but they do happen. Trust me."

But I guess they don't happen that much. I can't really think of the last time I had a really bad day. I guess I'm kind of frustrated lately about my broken nose, but that doesn't really count. It's not like I'm in emotional turmoil or something. I'm just annoyed.

"You've seen me on a lot of bad days," he points out.

The way he says it makes me think he wants to see me in a similar state.

"Don't worry," I say, wanting to be reassuring, "I've seen people in a way sorer state than you before and it's never scared me off. Besides, it's good. You're being open with me. This is how people get to know each other."

Sasuke shrugs, turning away. I'm not sure what he's trying to tell me right now. Does he want me to let it go or pry deeper?

"I mean, you saw how Kiba blew up at you right?" I continue. Maybe if I give an example he'll be more inclined to believe me?

He nods.

"Well, he's blown up at me way worse—" I let out a chuckle, "—and look at how close we are still. I don't care about that kind of shit. I don't care about keeping up appearances."

"Okay," he says simply. It's a curt response. It makes me wonder if he's annoyed and if he's annoyed… why? I debate on prying, but I don't.

"So, don't feel weird," I continue.

"Okay," he says again.

With that, I decide to change the topic to something a little bit lighter. "So, got your eye on anyone lately?"

"I don't know," he admits.

"Yeah?" I pry, urging him further.

He shrugs, choosing not to give me any more answers.

Instead, I ask, "What kind of guy interests you?"

"You asked me this before," he points out.

"Yeah, tell me more," I challenge.

He said he likes guys who are the opposite of himself. What else?

Sasuke rolls his eyes, crossing his arms and looking at me directly. "I like guys who are extroverted," he explains. "Someone who's going to let me know that I'm important to him because sometimes I need reassurance."

"Yeah," I say, urging him to continue. "Makes sense."

"It's hard for me to keep pursuing if I don't feel like I'm getting the same in return." He tilts his head slightly to the side, staring at me critically. "I like feeling desired. I also like people who are confident to make that happen and not a lot of people are since I'm so fucking off-putting."

"You're not off-putting," I disagree.

"Says pretty much only you," he scoffs.

"I mean it," I insist, making a fist and punching him lightly in the arm, "Stop being so self-depreciative."

"I'm not," he argues. "People find me hard to approach… and it's not like I'm TRYING to be an asshole half the time. It's just how I come off… Unless I'm angry, then I am pretty mean spirited."

I snort. "Yeah, I know. I've been on the receiving end of your anger earlier this year."

"Sorry," he apologizes flatly, but I can tell he means it.

"Aw, it's cool," I insist. "We're way past that."

"I still wish I could be a little less uptight sometimes," he says. "I'm so high strung and high maintenance. I feel like I come off as low maintenance but I'm so far from it. I feel like I'll never find a guy who can handle me."

"You will," I say surely. "If anyone has ever made you feel the opposite, then they're an asshole. You just need to find a guy who can see you for you."

He doesn't look convinced.

"Well… why do you think you're like that?" I wonder.

"I don't know," he mumbles, looking uncomfortable. "Probably because no one's ever been able to handle it before? It gets fucking disheartening after a while."

Now that I think about it, Sasuke's never dated before. Not that I know about at least.

"Well, that makes sense," I reason. "You were trying to hide your sexuality. How could you have found someone?"

"Other people manage." Sasuke scowls. He sounds bitter as fuck and I don't know why. It's not like we're that old. Plenty of 19-year olds haven't been in a serious relationship before, especially if they're in the closet.

"So… you like guys who are confident?" I ask, trying to get back on topic and steer him away from whatever dark hole he's about to go down.

"Yeah…" he says. "I feel like… being around that kind of strong, positive energy is good for me. I'm so sour; being with a guy who was equally sour would get depressing… But then I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to want to that because I'm so sour. Why would a positive guy want to be with someone as negative as me?"

"Because he won't see you that way," I interject.

"I don't know," he murmurs. "I don't really deserve to want more since they'll have to settle for less."

"Tsk!" I click my tongue. "Come the fuck on, man. Don't berate yourself. I don't see you as any of these things."

"You're still getting to know me," he argues.

He sounds really insecure and it feels like genuine insecurity. Right now, he's not looking at me to compliment him. He's just telling me how he feels. That makes it tougher.

"You're a good guy," I say, kind of as a last resort. It's vague and sort of meaningless, but I don't know what else to say to him to cheer him up. "You should give yourself more credit, especially for how much work you've been putting into opening up to me lately."

"Yeah…" Sasuke mutters. He crosses his arms over himself, looking like he feels awkward as fuck. "Thanks."

"Want to go?" I ask. He seems like maybe he doesn't want to be here anymore and I'm not looking to trap him in this conversation.

"No, I'm having a good time," he pauses.

Really? I want to ask him if he means that because it seems like he's loathing every second of this.

"Are you?"

"Yeah," he insists. "I know I'm whining a lot, but I don't typically get to whine at all."

I smile faintly. "Okay, fair. I don't mind listening."

He nods his head.

"So, tell me a little more about your ideal man," I say, trying to turn things light again.

"Mm…" he muses aloud. "I like a guy who smiles a lot – someone light and happy."

Extroverted, confident, positive, light, happy, smiley… I'm all of these things! I'm literally everything he's describing.

"What about looks?" I probe.

He shrugs. "It matters less. Contrary to popular belief I'm not that shallow, but… yeah, I can appreciate good looks. I don't know…"

"Yes, you dooo," I tease, nudging him. "Come on, tell me. What features do you find attractive?"

"I like guys who are kind of…I don't know…" Sasuke tilts his head side to side like he's trying to make up his mind how much to tell me. "Kind of built, I guess."

"Like jocky?" I question.

"Yeah, like jocky," he confirms with a nod. "Kind of rugged, but not harsh. I don't know. This is weird to talk about."

It kind of sounds like he's describing me, honestly. I'm jocky. I'm rugged but not harsh. I wonder if that's what he's trying to do or if it's just a coincidence.

"I also like…blonds. Not that it really matters. I've been attracted to people with different hair colors before," Sasuke tacks on.

Okay, now it REALLY sounds like he's talking about me.

I smile wryly. "Hey, sounds a bit like you're talking about me."

"No!" he exclaims right away, recoiling immediately. His eyebrows knit together and he gets flushed.

"Chill," I say with a laugh. "Kidding, kidding."

Or am I?

He looks really pissed off. It makes me think I should have kept my mouth shut, but whatever. I am only teasing him. He really needs to lighten up.

He scoffs at me, but doesn't respond.

"I'm kiddinggggg," I whine. "Don't be mad."

"Whatever," he retorts. "You're so vain."

"Well, yeah, a bit," I admit.

"How?" he asks, changing the tone of the conversation.

"What?" I ask, unsure what he means.

"You seem to think highly of yourself," he points out.

"Well… Jeez, I don't know!" I say with another laugh. "I just am. I love myself. I think I'm great. I think it's because I grew up in a home that gave me lots of love and validation and support. I am well liked by everyone, so that kind of reassures me. I had an easy time growing up – not including my parents dying… but I adjusted really well, y'know? Maybe I just got lucky. I don't know."

He nods along slowly. "I'm a little jealous, I'll admit."

He said that before so it doesn't exactly surprise me, but the idea of Sasuke being jealous of me is almost too absurd to believe. I used to think he was everything I wanted to be—hot, intelligent, mysterious. I guess it was wrong of me to jump to those conclusions about how perfect his life was without even really getting to know him. It's becoming more and more obvious that the things I thought were so cool about him were actually huge burdens on his life.

"Don't be jealous," I tell him, "There's a million things for you to love about yourself. I think everyone should love themselves. It's not about being narcissistic; it's about feeling like you're worth it and you deserve the best."

He wrinkles his nose. "I don't know. It's a weird concept to me: self-love… Something totally foreign. I want to love myself, but I can't."

"Why?" I pry, trying to sound gentle but not piteous.

"I'm not sure," he admits. "Every time I feel like I'm okay, something shitty happens and I am taken a million steps backwards. This year was rough. I was constantly in my head, berating myself… but I'm trying not to do that anymore. I still feel low about myself most of the time, but I'm trying hard not to. I'm trying to be better, to want more for myself."

It's hard to hear that he thinks so poorly of himself. It's actually sad as fuck. I can't imagine feeling that way.

"Good," I say softly.

He laughs bitterly. "I feel fucking stupid for admitting all of this out loud."

"Well, I am not judging you for it," I promise. "I wish I could do something to help."

"You can't," he says softly, and I can't help but feel like that sounds familiar.

I hate not being able to help people. I internalize everything, so if I spend enough time with someone it's almost like their pain starts to become mine. It drives me absolutely crazy. I'm way too fucking empathetic.

I let out a nasally sigh and glance out over the pond. The ducks have mostly disappeared. I guess it is kind of getting late now.

"Want to go back to my place?" I offer, scuffing the mud on the sneaker off against the concrete path.

"For dinner?" Sasuke questions.

"Yeah, unless you want to go out."

He shakes his head. "I prefer your home cooking. It's better."

"Aw," I coo at him. "Thanks! Okay, my place it is! Got any special requests?"

He shrugs. "Surprise me."

With that, we turn around and head out of the park to find my car. After settling in and pulling out of the parking space, I say, "How are things with your dad?"

"Unpleasant," he says. "I can't even look at him. I feel so disappointed in myself."

"It was fucked up of him to hit you," I say, adding my own two cents.

"I still feel like I deserved it," he murmurs. "I mean, I know parents shouldn't hit their kids. I know it was wrong of him to do that and I hated that he did it… but I still feel like I had it coming in a sense."

"You didn't!" I exclaim.

Sasuke scoffs, looking out the window. I can tell he's not taking me seriously. At the very least he's not ready to consider what I'm saying.

"It makes me mad, you know," I continue, "That he has you feeling so low that you'd think you deserve something like that."

"He doesn't have me feeling 'so low,'" Sasuke says, still turned away from me. "I did that to myself."

It fucking sucks to hear him talk like that. I wish I could say something to bring his mood up but it's pretty obvious it won't be that easy.

"How did you do that to yourself?" I press, looking for more explanation.

"By getting bad grades," he states simply. "I shouldn't have let myself slip that far."

"Everyone gets bad grades sometimes!" I blurt out, "It's part of life!"

"Not me," Sasuke retorts.

"You're not perfect," I say flat out. "No one is. It's fine to make mistakes. It's how you learn."

"That doesn't apply in my case," he argues. "What lesson am I learning by failing?"

"You didn't fail…" I point out.

He sighs at that. "I may as well have."

For fuck's sake. He is so brainwashed it's ridiculous. I have no idea what else to say. I don't know how to make him get it.

Parents can really do a number on their kids without even trying. I feel like Sasuke's parents are probably different than Kiba's. Maybe their motivation wasn't as selfish as Kiba's parents. Maybe they want him to do well for his own sake, but they are going about it in all the wrong ways.

"Let's talk about something different," Sasuke suggests, probably sensing that I'm getting agitated.

I resist the urge to roll my eyes because it's probably for the best. It's not like I'm going to change his way of thinking with one conversation anyway. He bases all of his self-worth on his academic standing and probably feels like who the fuck am I to tell him otherwise? I was always the class clown. What do I know about keeping good grades in college? I've never gotten them in the first place.

"I have stuff for burgers at the apartment," I say instead, trying my best to follow his lead.

"That sounds perfect," he says, trying to sound gracious, but he just ends up sounding tense.

Soon enough, we arrive at my building. I park in my space and then we head up to my apartment. I open the door and we head in.

"Hellooo?" I call.

"Hello," Kiba calls back. His voice is faint, so he's probably in his bedroom.

Me and Sasuke remove our shoes and head to the kitchen. "Want anything to drink?"

"Maybe later," he says.

I nod and then tell him, "I'm going to check on Kiba and tell him you're over, 'kay?"

"Uh-huh," he responds, sitting at the table.

I head out of the kitchen and down the hall, knocking before opening Kiba's bedroom door. He's lying in bed with Akamaru. "Hey," I say.

"Hey," he echoes.

"Sasuke is here."

"Super," he responds with sarcasm.

I want to tell him not to be a little bitch, but I know that would just escalate things. I know if I ignore his comments that he'll just burn himself out. Besides, I chewed him out so hard last time that he wouldn't dare start shit. He probably thinks that if he did I'd kick him the fuck out.

"I'm going to start on dinner," I tell him, completely bypassing his snotty little comment, "Burgers sound good to you?"

"Yeah, that sounds great," he mutters, rolling over.

As I turn around and return to the kitchen, I can't help but speculate on what's eating at him. I wonder if he's really just upset that Sasuke is over or if he's been talking to Hiro again. Either way, it pisses me off.

He better not be talking to that asshole… but he probably is. That REALLY pisses me off! I want him to stay away from that perverted freak. I hate that he has Kiba wrapped around his finger like this. Kiba hates it, too. I know he does, but he feels trapped.

"What's up?" Sasuke asks.

"Just thinking about shit," I say.

I pull out a frying pan and start gathering spices.

"What kind of shit?"

"Just…" I trail off for a moment, pausing as I decide how to word this. "Why do people stay in shitty situations when they're unhappy? Why don't they make changes?"

"It's hard to make changes," Sasuke says, having an answer ready for me. "Sometimes people lack resources to make changes. People get used to these things. When someone experiences something long enough, it becomes normal. Even if they hate it, they might be comfortable in a sense – comfortable with feeling like shit all the time because they don't think they are worth more."

I smile bleakly, staring down at the pan. "Sounds like you're talking from experience."

"Maybe I am in a slight sense," he admits.

I really wish Kiba and Sasuke didn't hate one another for no fucking reason. They could probably understand one another better than I could ever dream of.

I pull a package of meat out of the refrigerator and open it, emptying the contents into a glass bowl.

"So what if you have the resources?" I continue, adding a little bit of A1 sauce to the bowl and mixing it with the back of a spoon. "What if you have people who support you?"

Sasuke shrugs. "If you get used to being treated a certain way, sometimes the type of support a healthy person gives you starts to feel wrong or out of place. You think you don't deserve it. Even if you do think you deserve it, sometimes you still end up seeking out whatever or whoever was making you feel bad before. It's just a cycle, I guess."

I cannot comprehend that level of self-hate. It's almost infuriating to know Hiro has made Kiba feel this way. I don't want Kiba to always end up back there. I want him to be freed.

It makes me wonder why Sasuke feels this way. Is it all because of his parents? Or did something else get fucked up along the way?

It sucks.

I hate this.

I want them to be happy. I want everyone to always be happy. It kills me that they're not.

I wish I could fix it... but I can't and wishing seems immature and stupid at this point.

You can't fix people.

"That is sad as fuck," I murmur.

"Yeah," Sasuke agrees.

Eventually I finish dinner and as I pull out the buns toasting in the oven, Kiba appears from his room. He doesn't say anything as he comes and stands by us, resting his elbows on the counter and propping his chin up in his hands. I wonder if he overheard us. It's difficult to tell. His eyes are half-lidded, like he's tired or distraught. He doesn't look disgruntled though, which I assume he'd be if he knew we were having a conversation about him.

"Hi…?" Sasuke says almost like a question.

"Hey," Kiba responds, lacklustre.

Ugh! They're so fucking tense. I wish they'd just talk without spewing insults at one another. It's not that difficult to understand where either of them is coming from—Sasuke was a dick in high school, Kiba is being a dick now. It should fucking cancel out or something.

"Food is ready!" I tell them tersely, placing several plates on the counter and constructing the burgers quickly.

"Thanks for making dinner." Kiba picks up one of the plates and transfers it to his spot on the table. Sasuke nods to second the sentiment.

"No problem, you guys can do the dishes to repay me," I say with a wry wink, trying to lighten the mood.

They don't seem to find it funny.

Dinner is tense, but I expected that much.

I chat about school with them, but Sasuke seems uncomfortable and then I remember he isn't going back.

Kiba remembers this, too. "Are you even going to school?" he asks Sasuke.

Sasuke looks so sour. "No, I'm not."

"Why?"

"Because I'm just not."

"Okay, but why? There must be a reason."

"It isn't any of your business, is it?"

Kina shrugs it off. God, he is being a dick! I doubt he even cares; he just wants to make Sasuke uncomfortable.

Kiba glances at me and then sighs. I must look peeved because he apologizes a moment later.

"Sorry, Sasuke. That was totally rude."

"It's fine," Sasuke mutters, rolling his eyes and picking at a stray piece of tomato on his plate.

It's obviously not fine. Ugh. I don't know why they're this way! It's starting to drive me crazy but I don't feel like there's anything I can do to stop it from happening.

"We don't have to talk about school." I say, trying to offer up an alternative, "Soccer season is starting soon—so that's exciting! Sasuke, you should totally come to our home games."

He continues nibbling at his food, only looking up at me when I say his name. "Oh, yeah—" he mumbles, bringing a napkin to his mouth. "When's your first game?"

Kiba lets out a hefty sigh but I choose to ignore him. If I don't, I'm going to end up decking him in the side of the head.

"In a couple weeks," I say, trying my best to remember, "Either the 27nd or 28th."

"Oh," he says. "Remind me when the time gets closer. I'll definitely try to show up."

"Thanks" I tell him. "That would mean a lot."

After eating, I sit back and Sasuke and Kiba actually do the dishes. I knew Sasuke wouldn't mind but I didn't honestly expect Kiba to. Not that he is lazy, he's just a bit spiteful - especially around Sasuke.

I stare at them as they stand side by side in front of the sink. Sasuke washes and Kiba dries, putting the dishes away in the process.

"Thank you, guys," I say sincerely when they finish up.

"Thanks for cooking," Sasuke returns while Kiba just mumbles something I don't quite catch. I don't bother prying. He disappears to his room after that.

Sasuke and I move to the couch and as we sit down he lets out a quiet groan, bringing his hand to his forehead.

"What?" I ask him in a hushed voice. I don't want a repeat of the last time we tried to have a conversation like this.

"It's so awkward," Sasuke replies, matching my volume. "Why is he like that?"

"You know why." I shrug, although there's probably a lot more to it than he or even I understand.

"But still?"

He sounds exasperated. I can tell Sasuke it actually trying to make a real effort here and it's probably frustrating him that none of that's getting returned.

"I appreciate you trying," I say in an attempt to validate him. "He just has the wrong idea about you. The more you're around I think he'll realize he's making assumptions."

"It makes it hard to be here," Sasuke admits.

"I know, I know," I mumble, "But I really like spending time with you and I'm glad you're willing to brave it."

He nods thoughtfully. "Maybe he'll get over it. I don't really want to apologize, though. I feel like if I do, then he should, too… and I doubt he would."

"Probably not," I agree.

"That sounds petty of me, but still," he adds.

I snort. "It's understandable. I mean, you were never really especially foul to him in the first place. You just weren't nice. But I mean, you were a huge dick to me and I still like you a lot."

"Sorry," he says flatly.

"It's cool," I respond with a laugh. "You don't need to keep apologizing for that. I don't really care. Kiba will get over it eventually. He has to."

"Mm, maybe," Sasuke muses.

I pull out my phone and hit the home button, illuminating the screen. "It's getting kind of late," I comment, noticing that it's a quarter to nine.

He nods but doesn't reply. I half expect him to ask me to drive him back to his house, but he doesn't. Then I remember what he said earlier about things still being tense with his parents. I wonder if it feels weird for him to be at home.

"I have class tomorrow—" I start, "But you could, like, stay here if you wanted."

Sasuke sits up a little straighter. "Overnight?" he asks.

"Yeah, overnight." I shrug, "Your parents won't mind, right?"

"Probably not." Sasuke looks thoughtful, like he's mulling it over.

"So stay over," I press, "It's getting late anyway and I have to be up early. Your house is far and you probably shouldn't walk alone after nine."

"Okay," he relents after a moment.

"Great," I say. "You can share my bed if you're not opposed. If you are uncomfortable with that, you can have the sofa."

"I'm fine with sharing."

I nod my head. "Okay, cool."

There are some things I want to talk to him about, but I don't want to do it yet. I'm getting tired now and I want to do it when I actually feel like talking.

"I'm going to take a shower so I don't have to worry about it in the morning," I tell him, handing him the remote. "You can chill out. There's some teas in the cupboard if you any. Make yourself at home!"

He offers me a small smile, taking the remote. "Thanks."

With that, I sit up and head into the bathroom, grabbing a towel from the linen closet on the way. I'm quick to wash up since I feel bad leaving him sitting there. It's kind of cool he's willing to stay over. I didn't expect him to agree to it.

If I'm lucky Kiba will stay in his room for the rest of the night and won't notice that Sasuke is staying here. Hopefully if Sasuke and I are quiet and sleep in my bed, I'll be able to get out of the house in the morning without having to hear any of Kiba's snotty comments.

I can't tell if Sasuke and I are making quick progress as friends or if he just doesn't want to be at home that badly. Honestly, it could be either. I have a feeling it's the latter, though.

It makes me sad that he's still willing to defend his dad despite everything. It really shouldn't be the end of the world that he got bad grades one semester. College is hard and it's kind of unrealistic to expect to do well all of the time.

I feel bad for him, but if being here is going to help him feel a little better, then he can stick around for as long as he wants. I definitely don't mind. I really like him being here.

When I'm finished showering, I put a towel around my waste after drying off. Heading into the living room, I say, "Want to borrow something to sleep in?"

"Oh, yes, please," Sasuke responds.

He's watching the news. Yawn.

I head down the hallway and into my room, throwing on PJ pants and a t-shirt. I grab similar clothing for Sasuke before going back into the living room.

"Here," I say, handing him the clothes. "You can change in the bathroom whenever you are ready."

"Okay, thanks." He nods, taking the shirt and pants from my hands and letting them hang loose in his fist, "Want to watch a show on your laptop?"

"Like in bed?" I question.

"Yeah—" Sasuke confirms, "—so we can lie down."

I agree and we turn back to my room. I even make sure to close the door because even though we're just hanging out, I'm not super interested in being busted in on.

When Sasuke reaches my bed he tosses the clothing I gave him onto the comforter and strips off his own shirt and jeans. It kind of surprises me because I expected him to be more reserved than that, especially since we've almost hooked up in the past.

He quickly pushes his arms and head through the over-sized tee I grabbed for him and slips into the PJ pants. I can't help but check him out. I like seeing him wear my clothes. He looks cute. Cute and comfy.

I grab my laptop and get in my bed, opening it. Sasuke sits next to me after folding his clothes into a tidy pile and setting them on my desk chair.

"What do you feel like?" I ask.

"Hm… I don't know," he says. "Nothing scary."

I smile slightly at that. I guess Sasuke isn't a fan of horror. "Action? Comedy? There's a new superhero movie out. Want to check that out?"

"Sure," he says, leaning back against one of my pillows.

I get the movie set up, but before I press play I get up to kill the lights. Back in bed, I rest the laptop on my lap and tilt it so we both get a good view of the screen. Then I start the movie.

A few times throughout the movie I contemplate putting the moves on Sasuke, but end up deciding against it. I can't help but feel like maybe it's too soon and the last thing I want is to scare him off. Besides, what would my end goal be? To sleep with him? If Sasuke and I dared to hook up and Kiba overheard I'm pretty sure he would come in here and gut us both alive. Everything's a little too precarious for that type of situation right now.

Regardless, I still can't decipher whether or not Sasuke is interested. He's not being too cuddly with me, but that could just be because he's trying to keep tonight casual. Is that because he thinks I want it to be casual, though? I feel like there's no winning for me here.

I feel like he might be interested in me, but at the same time I don't want to go assuming things. I feel like I should wait until he tells me… but at the same time is he the kind of guy who would? He doesn't seem very forward when it comes to that kind of thing. He almost seems shy or uncomfortable. Plus, he's totally inexperienced when it comes to dating.

Would I want to date him? Maybe I would. I don't know. I feel like we get along really well and I feel like we connect, but there's still so much I don't know.

I guess I am willing to give things a chance, though.

Nonetheless, I'll play it by ear.

As the movie ends, I point Sasuke in the direction of the bathroom and tell him he'll find a new toothbrush he can use in the medicine cabinet along with Kiba and I's toothpaste in the small cup that also holds my hairbrush.

He gets up to leave the room and I take the opportunity to switch off my bed-side lamp and hunker down under the blankets. I even position myself facing outwards—I wouldn't want Sasuke to feel weird and pressured his first night staying over here.

When Sasuke returns he closes the door behind him and fumbles around in the dark a bit before finding the bed again.

"That's my leg," I joke as he feels his way around the foot of the mattress.

He lets out a chuckle and eventually finds his way to the empty side, climbing under the blankets next to me.

"Thanks for letting me stay over," he says. "It sucks being home lately."

I guess I was right. He wanted to stay over because he doesn't want to be at home. Whatever, though. I'll still take it.

"It's totally fine," I reply. "Stay here as long as you want."

"Thanks," he says again.

It's nearing midnight. I'm just lucky I don't have any 8AM classes tomorrow.

"Do you know what you'll be doing this year instead of school?" I ask him.

"No," he murmurs. "I don't know. Just trying to sort myself out."

I think he should see a doctor, but suggesting things like that always seems to be in vain. No one wants to hear that they should go see a therapist. Everyone takes offense.

"I'm here if you ever want to talk," I offer instead. "I'm told I give good advice."

"That's nice of you," Sasuke murmurs, "although if I'm being honest I can't say I'll take you up on that."

I guess that's not surprising. Sasuke's pretty tightly wound. I feel like he's been pretty open with me up until now, but as far as I know he could still be telling me the most base-level shit of his life.

I used to think I knew how to read people, but after the crap I found out about Kiba last month it's pretty fucking obvious that I was just making a ton of assumptions. No matter how well I think I know someone, there's probably something way deeper I don't have any knowledge of.

"Fair…" I say. "I won't force you."

He lets out a sound of amusement and then says, "I can tell how badly you want me to open up."

I snort. "Sorry. I just want to know you. All of you."

"I have a lot of gross shit buried deep," he says with a weary laugh.

I don't think it's buried as deep as he thinks it is, though. If it was, things would be different. I think whatever is bothering him surfaces a lot more than he wants to realize.

"I won't care," I tell him. "You could tell me you killed someone and I'd like you all the same."

He laughs again. "You're nuts."

I roll over to face him and he does the same. It's dark, but I can make out the faint outlines of his face.

"I feel like I know you at least a little bit," I say. "I have a sense of what kind of person you might be. So, I don't actually think you killed someone… but you know what I mean."

"Yeah, I know," he responds, "and thanks."

I should try to go to sleep but I don't feel tired. Honestly I just want to stay up and talk to Sasuke all night. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to have him sleep over the day before classes start.

"You have to be up early tomorrow," Sasuke comments, almost as if he's reading my mind in the silence. "What time is your first class?"

"10:15, so it's not _that_ bad," I tell him, trying to make it sound unimportant.

"I'll stop keeping you up," he says teasingly. "It's a big day."

"It's fine!" I insist, smirking. "Besides, you're the one who needs your beauty sleep."

Sasuke lets out a huff but it's obvious he's not really offended because he follows a second later with a chuckle. "I'll see you in the morning," he says, rolling back over.

"Want me to wake you up for breakfast?" I ask.

"That's okay," Sasuke whispers, "I'd rather sleep in."

"H'okay." I pull the covers up to my chin. "Sweet dreams."

.

.

When morning comes, I crawl out of bed. Sasuke doesn't even stir. I watch him for a minute. He looks so peaceful and content. It's nice to see. I change quickly and then go into the kitchen to make breakfast.

Kiba appears a few minutes later.

"Hey," I say.

He grunts some vague response and I can guess that he is probably quite tired, so I make him a cup of coffee while I eat my cereal.

"Want anything to eat?" I ask as he sips on it.

"No, not hungry," he murmurs.

"All right," I relent. "When is your first class?"

"9:45," he says.

I nod. "Mine is at 10:15, so want to ride to school with me?"

"Sure," he accepts my offer.

We climb into my car about ten minutes later and Kiba sits in the passenger's seat with his backpack hugged to his chest.

"What time did Sasuke go home last night?" he asks, staring out the window.

"He ended up staying over," I admit cautiously.

Kiba doesn't bother to look at me. "Oh," he grumbles.

It's obvious he's trying to watch his mouth and I guess I can appreciate that, but his reaction still rubs me the wrong way. All the tenseness between him and Sasuke frankly just needs to be let go of.

"It just got late," I clarify, hoping that for some reason it will make him feel better. "I didn't want to go through the effort of driving him home."

"Makes sense." Kiba shrugs.

I wonder if Sasuke will stick around until I get home. I hope he does. I want to hang out with him some more. I feel like things are going really well with us. We aren't fighting or anything, which is cool. I feel like he's a little more willing to talk to me now. Maybe not about anything incredibly dire, but I still appreciate it nonetheless. When he wants to talk about the real shit, he will.

Twenty minutes or so later, we're pulling into the school grounds. I find my parking space and we get out.

I walk Kiba to class since his is first. When we part, I take the long way to the next building over.

It's funny. The day hasn't even begun and I already want to go home.

I find my way to Anthropology and take an empty seat in the back of the class. I'm a little early, so I watch as people funnel in with a silver of hope that someone I know will turn up.

Eventually, about five minutes before class is about to start, Hinata wanders into the room and glances around wearily.

"Hinata!" I raise a hand to get her attention and beckon for her to come sit with me.

She approaches slowly and sits beside me, but doesn't seem to be feeling too talkative. She's always been kind of shy, but I get the idea that she has what happened this summer with Shion on her mind.

"How are you?" I ask quickly, trying to gauge the situation.

"Fine," she tells me plainly.

"About the thing with Kiba…" I start awkwardly. I feel like I need to offer her some sort of explanation, even though I have no idea what to tell her.

She simply shakes her head. "We don't have to talk about it. It's not really my business, after all."

"We kind of made it your business," I murmur. "Sorry for that night. You were probably freaked out."

"Surprised," she admits, "but not 'freaked out' exactly." She pauses and then glances over at me shyly. "Is… Is Kiba okay?"

"He's all right," I tell her.

"We hung out with a lot of the same people when we were little children," she adds, "but we were never friends."

"Yeah," I say with a long nod. "I didn't become friends with him 'til last year, really. Sports kind of brought us together and I'm glad it did. He doesn't have many close friends."

"He's nice..." she comments. "A little closed off."

"A little closed off and a little explosive." I chuckle, toying with the pencil I pulled out that's now sitting on my desk. "I feel bad for Shion. She and I had never even met before that night. She probably thinks I'm totally crazy."

Hinata shrugs and it's not exactly reassuring. I should probably talk to Shion myself if I hope to fix this at all.

"Are you and Kiba okay?" she asks, watching as I roll the pencil around. "Did you resolve things?"

"Sort of," I mumble, "I didn't think there was a lot to resolve but it turns out I was wrong."

"I ran into him leaving your dorm room over spring break last year," she adds suddenly. "He said you two had a fight."

"I can guess what that was about," I chuckle awkwardly.

She smiles somewhat wearily. "So can I…"

I snort. "Well, you're probably not wrong."

She glances down at her hands, which are folded neatly on the table in front of her. "If you don't mind me asking… Are you two still involved?"

"No," I say. "It wasn't like that. It was just… I don't know. I have no fucking idea what the hell we were even thinking. We don't do it anymore, though."

"Oh," she responds softly.

"It was a complicated situation and we were both being idiots," I add, feeling bitter and upset over the whole thing still.

It makes me feel bad. It makes me feel really fucking bad. I wish I realized what was going on sooner. Then maybe things wouldn't have gotten so screwed up. I could have tried to help Kiba deal in a better way.

"It's good you two worked it out," Hinata mumbles. I can tell she probably wants to ask more questions but doesn't feel comfortable being invasive. It's probably for the best because what I can tell her is pretty damn limited.

"I wish you two hadn't found out that way," I confess. "It didn't have anything to do with either of you and it wasn't fair for you to get dragged into it. You were just trying to do the right thing."

"Yeah..." Hinata tilts her head to one side, "It was better than leaving Kiba drunk at the party."

"He shouldn't have gotten so drunk," I insist, although I guess I understand why he did.

"It happens to everyone." She smiles. Hinata is so damn understanding it's a miracle.

"Yeah," I say with a short and semi-forced laugh.

Hinata is so nice. I'm fucking glad for it.

Before we can talk about anything else, the professor walks through the door.

.

.

After my first class, I wave to Hinata and head to my next course. Then my next course. Then I'm done for the day. Finally. I text Kiba to see if he's done, but he's not and then says he'll bus home later on. I relent and then make my way to my car.

I wonder if Sasuke is still at my apartment. I hope he is. I want to chat with him some more.

I get in my car and head home, feeling antsy.

When I pull up to my usual parking spot I crane my neck to see if the apartment light is still on. Unfortunately, I can't see through the window. It's still too bright outside.

I hop out of the driver's seat and lock my car, keying in at the front door and heading up the complex stairs. When I reach my own door, I tap lightly as I enter.

"Hello?" I ask, turning the knob and letting myself in. A moment later there is some clattering from the kitchen and Sasuke appears in the hallway.

"Hey," he comments nonchalantly.

"I wasn't sure if you'd still be here," I smile and kick off my shoes, "I'm glad you stuck around so we can hang out. I didn't get any homework since it's the first day."

"I didn't have anything else I needed to do today and I figured you wouldn't be out too long." Sasuke tells me, wringing his hands together.

I'm glad he stayed. I'm glad he seems to actually enjoy my company, because I sure as hell enjoy his. I want to get to know him more. I want to dig around in his head – when he's ready for that. Or if.

"Yeah, I didn't have much on the plate apart from my classes," I tell him. "Thanks for sticking around."

"Sure," he responds.

I turn into the kitchen and he follows after me. I get a glass of water and then I realize something – the kitchen is absolutely spotless.

"Hey, did you clean?" I ask, peering over at him.

"Um, yeah," he admits. "I didn't want to sit here and do nothing."

"Aw, you didn't have to clean," I say.

"I didn't mind," he insists.

"That was really nice of you," I comment, wanting to acknowledge his hard work. It's so domestic of him I almost can't believe it.

"I just figured I've been hanging out here a lot." Sasuke shrugs, walking over to the table. "I wanted to contribute or whatever."

It's thoughtful. Like, really thoughtful.

"You're always welcome here," I tell him.

"Thanks," he smirks. "It was nice to stay here last night instead of trying to go home and explain to my dad why I was out so late the day before classes started."

I pour myself the glass of water I originally went to the kitchen for. "Would he think you were screwing around?"

"Probably," he scoffs.

"Lame," I retort. "He should know you better than that."

"Well, he doesn't," he murmurs thoughtfully. "He doesn't know me at all, really."

"That's sad," I sympathize. "You're, like, so awesome. You're seriously one of my favourite people. I wish he would make more of an effort."

"That's really nice," he says to me. "I don't know, though. He's always been this way. I've never been good enough. Maybe it's because I'm the second child and Itachi was the first. It's like he picked favourites or something."

I wrinkle my nose. "Rough… Well, really, stick around for as long as you want. Since you're not in class, you probably don't want to stay at home all day all the time. So, stay here."

"Thank you," he says. "Seriously."

"I just wish I could like, I dunno…" I frown, "Tell him off or something. I mean—I know that probably wouldn't fix anything—but something to make him see how hard you work."

Sasuke lets out a heavy sigh through his nose. "I don't work that hard," he mumbles a moment later, "I seriously tanked last semester. It's obvious I wasn't trying, so there's no way he'd believe it. It isn't even really true."

"Okay," I relent, "Then something to make him understand that you were having a hard time and that he should go easy on you."

He shakes his head. "I don't want him to go easy on me. I wish he understood but there's no way he's going to. I don't know how I could even ask him to."

I don't get it. I don't fucking get it. I don't get how people can have these kinds of relationships with their parents. It seems so unbearable.

"Sorry," I say, trying not to seem piteous. Compassionate, but not piteous.

He shrugs. "It's fine. It's not your fault."

"Still," I say, "the whole thing sucks. I wish I could help."

"You do," he insists. "Anyway, I was thinking, if you're not opposed to it, maybe I could cook for you today."

"Yeah?" I ask, surprised at the request. This keeps getting more and more domestic.

"Yeah," he says.

"Well… yeah, okay!" I agree. "This is real nice of you, Sasuke."

"Well, I appreciate everything you've done for me these past months," he says.

"It's never a problem," I insist.

Sasuke smirks again and I get the feeling that he maybe doesn't believe me, even though I absolutely mean it. It takes a hell of a lot for me to get tired of someone. They would have to at the very least be purposefully screwing me over. I generally don't even mind what most people would consider being taken advantage of.

"I looked through your fridge while I was cleaning," he says, moving towards the pantry and opening up one of the cabinets, "It looked like you had everything for coconut curry if that sounds good to you."

"That sounds amazing." I nod, taking a seat on a chair and swinging my arm over the back so that I can watch as Sasuke pulls a bag of rice from the pantry.

I watch him, chatting mildly. When the conversation dies down, I feel kind of restless. He gathers things together and all I can do is think about getting high. But I can't. I don't have any pills. I took them all. I can't do cocaine because my nose is still fucked up and it would hurt way too damn much.

"What is it?" Sasuke asks me.

"Nothing," I say, waving a hand dismissively.

He raises an eyebrow at me, but doesn't pry. He goes back to what he's doing.

I feel like I'd be able to appreciate this a hell of a lot more if I could just get myself a fix. He's so cute. I really don't want to ruin this like I tend to ruin so many other things with him.

I continue to sit still. This was bound to happen, but it's still stressing me out.

The cravings are a feeling in my stomach—an emptiness that I want to fill up. It's almost like I'm bored, or nervous, or something.

I felt okay up until just now, so I don't know what's triggering this. It might be Sasuke. It might be remembering how upset he got with me at Pride.

I tap my foot against the leg of the table in an attempt to distract myself but without much luck. This is bad. I've gone way too long without a fix. I've been busy all day so the feeling wasn't bothering me much, but unless I get up and move around I'm not going to be able to take my mind off of it.

"Want some help?" I ask Sasuke, standing up from my seat.

He glances over at me. "Oh no, that's okay. Let me take care of it," he insists.

I sit back down and briefly I wonder if I could sneak off to my room and try eating what's left of the cocaine I have, but I don't think I have enough. Besides, it takes forever to kick in.

It wouldn't do the trick. I could probably call up my dealer, but I don't know if he deals anything but cocaine. I've never even thought to ask. I could go see Gaara and see if he could hook me up with some pills of some sort.

JEEZ I sound pathetic. It's not even this bad, I swear. I'm just antsy as hell.

Sasuke lets out a sharp sigh and accuses me with, "Are you annoyed? Am I doing something wrong? Do you have some sort of obsession with people using your kitchen?"

"No," I insist. "I'm sorry. I'm just not used to being treated."

He softens. "Oh… Well, try to relax."

Believe me, I'd love to. I want to chill the fuck out but for some reason it's just not happening.

This is ridiculous. I told myself I wouldn't do drugs around Sasuke. He hates them and deserves at least that much respect.

I must just be tired or something. This first day of classes was stressful. I'd be fine if it weren't for that. There's no other reason for me to be freaking out like this.

I tap my fingers on the table and Sasuke side-eyes me. It's obvious he's noticing how on edge I'm feeling, but I really hope he doesn't know why. On the other hand, I don't want him to think it's his fault or like he's doing something wrong.

Eventually, he finishes cooking. Kiba still isn't home. He might be spending the evening at school studying or something. I don't fucking know. If he knows Sasuke is here, he's probably being avoidant.

Sasuke readies two plates and I fill us up some glasses of water. We sit across from one another. I take a bite and it tastes fucking awesome.

"This is really good," I say.

I don't want to sound like an asshole, but I'm kind of surprised. I didn't think he would know how to cook this well.

"How'd you learn how to cook?" I ask.

"Well, I can only cook a few things," he says. "This is one of them."

"Well, it's awesome."

I finish my first plate quickly and go back for seconds. "I'm glad you like it so much!" Sasuke exclaims as I pile rice onto my plate.

At this point I'm still hungry, but after this food disappears from my plate I'm still feeling stir-crazy just sitting in my chair. I get up a third time and then a fourth time, getting only small scoops of the meal in an attempt to pace myself.

"I missed lunch," I tell Sasuke in a flat lie as I sit down with plate number four.

"Eat as much as you want," he shrugs, looking unfazed, "you're hungry."

"Really hungry," I justify to myself. Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm not feeling cocaine cravings—I'm just starving.

For fuck's sake. This is so dumb, though. I'm definitely going to need to duck out at some point later on. I need to try and get my hands on something.

I still feel antsy after. I help Sasuke with the clean-up and then we sit in the living room, flicking through channels.

I want to talk to him, but I'm too distracted. All I can think about is how gross I feel.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asks me.

"Yeah, totally fine," I insist.

I don't want to tell him the truth. He'd be mad. He'd probably be kind of disgusted, too. And disappointed. It's not a big deal, though. Everyone just overreacts.

"Should I go?" he asks.

"No, stick around," I say.

Sasuke looks unsure but doesn't press further.

"Want to watch a movie or something?" I suggest after having exhausted my options on the regular television channels. I'm not sure I'll be able to sit through one, but maybe it'll be enough to get Sasuke to not pay as close of attention to me.

"Sure," he shrugs, "Like what?"

"Anything you've been wanting to see?" I ask, opening up Netflix from the menu screen.

Sasuke ends up directing me to a nature documentary about the deep sea. This definitely won't hold my interest but since he picked it maybe I can run out long enough to get a hold of Gaara. I'll just tell Sasuke I went to get ice cream or something and stop by the store on the way home.

When Sasuke looks invested enough, I stand up and tell him I'm going to duck out for twenty minutes.

"Why?" he asks.

"I need to run an errand," I explain.

He raises an eyebrow at me. "Well, okay then. That's fine with me. Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, it's cool," I ensure. "Stay here and relax. I'll be back in a few. I'll bring ice cream or something."

"Okay…" he says.

This sucks. I feel kind of bad, but I'm going to be shitty company unless I get this sorted out.

"Be back in a few," I say, grabbing my keys and putting my shoes on. With that, I head out. I take my phone out of my pocket and shoot Gaara a message.

" _Hey man, can I get a favor? Where you at?_ _"_ I ask. We haven't talked in a while so hopefully he won't be weird about it. Considering how our past interactions have gone I think it will be fine.

I hop in my car and drive around the neighborhood until I hear my phone ping. I pull over to the side of the road and check my texts.

" _I can_ _'_ _t hook up with you. I_ _'_ _m in a serious relationship now_ ," is all it reads.

I want to laugh at that. He's always so straight to the point.

" _It_ _'_ _s not that_ ," I tap back quickly, " _Congrats! Still need that favor though_."

The grey dots appear and disappear.

" _I'_ _m at the diner on 5th avenue by campus_ ," his message appears. " _Come meet me?_ _"_

So, I do. I make my way there as fast as I can, probably going slightly above the speed limit. I just want this over with. I park and make my way into the diner and glance around until I spot him. He's with a guy. He's tall and broad with long, brown hair in a bun atop his head. He looks kind of stern – like Gaara. There are tea cups in front of them. Hopefully I'm not disrupting some sort of date or something.

"Hey," I greet the two of them.

Gaara holds up a hand.

"Who's this?" I ask, referring to the man he's with.

"My boyfriend," he says. "Neji Hyuga."

"Hyuga," I repeat in recollection. "You must be Hinata's cousin!"

Neji nods his head.

"I'm Naruto," I introduce myself.

"Nice to meet you," he responds politely.

"What did you need?" Gaara asks me as soon as I sit down, getting straight to the point.

Friendly as ever.

I glance around some more, making sure we won't be overheard. I spare Neji a glance as well, feeling unsure if I should mention this in front of him. Nonetheless, I lean in and ask, "Can you, like, hook me up with some pills?"

"I don't do that anymore," he says.

"No?" I ask. I have to admit, I'm kind of surprised. Last time he and I chatted it didn't seem like he had any intentions of stopping.

"I quit a few months ago," Gaara explains, gesturing to Neji. "We started dating and I didn't want it eating up my time or energy."

"So you quit?" I repeat back to him.

"So I quit," he reaffirms.

For a second I contemplate that. Maybe I should quit too. I don't feel like my drug use is getting in the way of my life though. It's just right now because my nose is fucked up. I'm probably fine. Once my face is healed things will go back to normal. I don't need to quit.

"Do you think I could get your old dealer's number?" I ask cautiously, hoping that Gaara still has some sort of connections.

He nods his head, pulling his phone out. He scrolls for a few minutes before reciting a number to me. I program it into my phone.

"Thanks," I say when it's all said and done.

I don't linger because it's obvious he wouldn't want me to. So, I take my leave. "Nice meeting you," I say to Neji before turning to Gaara and saying, "See yah around."

He holds up a hand and I head out. I shoot his ex-dealer a message right away. I tell him who I am, where I got his number and that I know Jirobo, hoping I'll get some sort of response. I told Sasuke I wouldn't be gone long, so I really don't want this to take up too much time.

Fortunately, I get a response almost right away.

He tells me to come to the campus science building lounge. It seems like kind of an open place but I guess that makes it less obvious, especially with the amount of traffic through there. He also doesn't ask me what I'm looking for which is surprising, but I guess he doesn't want to incriminate himself with a text message record of everything he's dealing.

I drive over to the school and park in the lot by the library, walking a few hundred feet to the building we agreed to meet at. Almost as soon as I open the entrance, I spot him sitting and reading a thick textbook with a garden spider on the cover of it.

"Hey," I say as I walk over, sitting down beside him.

"Gaara referred you?" he asks almost immediately, glancing up from his book, "What do you need?"

"An upper," I tell him, "Something with a kick like coke."

"But not coke?" he says.

"Well, I can't snort anything," I explain, gesturing to my nose.

"How do you feel about smoking?" he asks. "You can smoke coke. I also have salvia and weed."

I shrug. "Not really into smoking."

I don't like the smell.

"Did you want prescription drugs?" he asks. "I have Adderall. If you want something interesting, I have DMT, too. Or XTC."

I wrinkle my nose, feeling unsure with each choice. Nothing sounds as good. I don't want to try anything as crazy as DMT and I Adderall isn't really doing it for me.

He looks impatient with me, so I feel like I should probably decide quickly. I also want to get this over with so I can get my fix and go back home.

"I'll go with E," I end up deciding, which surprises even me since I promised myself I wouldn't do it again. "And I guess some Adderall too."

He nods his head slowly and sets his book upright on the table so that it makes a small wall, reaching into his backpack and pulling out what looks like two completely standard prescription bottles.

"How many do you want?" He unscrews the cap and retrieves a small plastic bag.

"I dunno…a week's worth of Adderall?" I shrug, "Two pills of E is probably fine."

He tilts the first bottle and taps it, letting two decently sized capsules fall into the plastic bag. Then he picks up the second bottle and pours a number of smaller pills into the same one. He screws the lids back on each and returns them to his backpack, placing the baggie that's meant for me on the table in front of him tucked behind the textbook.

"There's fourteen Adderall," he tells me, counting them, "and two ecstasy tablets. So that's $80 altogether."

I nod my head, fishing my wallet out and handing him four twenties. When that's complete, I nod my awkward thanks and head out. I feel giddy to get home. I can't fucking wait to take something. I just want this feeling to go away. It won't be the same, but it'll do for now. It'll do until my nose heals.

I stop at the store and get a tub of green tea ice cream before heading home. Sasuke likes green tea, so hopefully he'll like this.

When I get back, he immediately says, "You took a while."

"Sorry," I say. "I ran into some people I haven't seen in a while and we got talking."

"Oh," is all he responds with.

I hold up the bag and say, "I got ice cream. Green tea flavour. Should be good, huh?"

Sasuke perks up a little when he sees me pull the tub out and grab two spoons from the utensil drawer in the kitchen.

"This is my favourite," he comments as I rejoin him on the couch.

"I knew it was, that's why I got it!" I tease, although I'm pretty pleased that he doesn't seem to suspect anything. He didn't even ask who I ran into, which makes my life significantly easier.

Once he's settled with the ice cream and the movie is playing again, I quietly excuse myself to my bedroom for what I say is to change into pyjamas. The baggie of pills is still in my pocket so I ought to be able to take one pretty inconspicuously.

I slip into my night clothes and then take a few of the Adderall pills before slipping back into the living room. Sasuke is still wearing the clothes he slept in. He looks fuckin' adorable. I like him in my clothes a lot.

"So, what're you watching now?" I ask him, staring at the TV.

"Another documentary," he says.

"What's this one about?"

"Dinosaurs," he tells me, looking somewhat humoured.

I snicker. The conversation kinda dies down after that, but I have no complaints. I want the pills to kick in so I can feel like myself again. Then maybe I can actually have a decent conversation with Sasuke. I won't feel fidgety and crampy and shitty.

About halfway through the movie I start to get really tired. It's a bummer because it's still early in the night and I'd like to stay awake to hang out, but it doesn't seem like the drugs are going to start working in time. I lean back on the couch and try to keep my eyes open, but it becomes clear very quickly that that's not going to work for me.

My eyelids are drooping and I wonder if Sasuke would notice if I took a quick catnap. He probably wouldn't, or at least wouldn't be bothered by it. He seems pretty invested in the documentary he picked.

So, I close my eyes. I'll let myself rest. Hopefully I'll feel better before classes tomorrow.

.

.

My eyes snap open a moment later. It's surprising and I feel disoriented at first because it's still dark outside, but quickly I realize that I feel AMAZING. I am so ready to go—like I just woke up from sleeping for an entire week.

I turn to Sasuke and see that his eyes are glued to the screen, which still has images of CGI dinosaurs trekking across it.

"Did I pass out?" I ask him, sitting up a little straighter on the couch.

"Uh, maybe?" He turns towards me, "Not for very long if you did."

I glance at the clock on the DVD player beneath the television set.

It's been literally five minutes.

I feel good, though. Really good. Kind of relieved. Awake, too. I stretch my arms out in front of me and grab the tub of ice cream from the coffee table, eating a few spoonfuls.

"You must have been tired, huh?" Sasuke asks, glancing at me. "You probably still are. Five minutes isn't much. I won't be mad if you want to go to sleep."

"I feel okay now, to be honest," I say.

He nods his head, leaving it at that. We continue watching the documentary and Kiba returns at some point. He greets us somewhat monotonously and then heads to his room. It's probably for the best that he doesn't stick around in the living room. I really don't want him and Sasuke fighting. That gets so fucking tiring. It stresses me out, to be honest.

"Want to go out and do something?" I suggest, and Sasuke turns his attention away from the film and onto me.

"We are both in our pyjamas," he snorts, "and you literally just fell asleep on the couch."

"Yeah but I'm awake now!" I insist, but Sasuke shakes his head.

"It's getting late," he explains, "and it's a week night."

I know he's right, but I'm rearing to go. Plus, worst case scenario if I'm tired tomorrow I'll just take more Adderall.

"Let's stay in," Sasuke insists. "I'm not really up for getting dressed and making a public appearance."

So that's that. It's fine I guess, but I don't really want to keep sitting here and watching this movie. I should get up and do something.

I feel like I should do something productive. I don't know what, though.

"Are you staying over again?" I ask.

"Oh, uh…" he trails off. "You can take me home if you want."

"No, stay," I say. "You need a break from your family. Plus, I like having you around."

"Well, okay," he relents. "Thanks…"

"Do you like hanging out here?" I ask him. The question sounds kind of awkward or needy, but I want to know.

Sasuke raises an eyebrow at me, but he answers the question nonetheless. "Yeah, obviously," he says. "You're nice. I wouldn't hang around here so much if I didn't like it."

"Okay, cool," I say, satisfied with that. I nod my head a few times and start tapping my fingers on my knees.

Sasuke lets out a sigh and then asks, "What are you doing that for?"

"Doing what?" I snap back quickly.

"The fidgeting thing—" he sighs again, "Why are you tapping? Are you bored?"

I'm not really sure what to respond to that. It's probably the drugs. In fact, it's definitely the drugs. I can't tell Sasuke that though so I end up saying the next best thing.

"I have ADHD." I shrug nonchalantly. Technically that's the truth. Ritalin is what I'm prescribed but Adderall is used for the same shit, so it wouldn't be that weird for me to be taking it.

"Oh," Sasuke says, sounding a little surprised, "I didn't know that."

"It doesn't come up a lot in conversation," I explain. I don't really want him to keep asking about it because I know I'm kind of spinning a lie and I don't feel good about that.

"Oh," he says. "Well… thanks for telling me."

I shrug. "It's not really a secret. I used to take Ritalin for it, but I kind of stopped."

Technically, it's true. The only reason I took them is when I didn't want to do cocaine.

Sasuke nods his head slowly, in an understanding kind of way. "I guess it makes sense. You were always bouncing off the walls when we were kids."

I snicker at that. "Yeah. It comes and it goes and right now… I guess it's coming."

"That sounds frustrating," he says. He doesn't sound particularly sympathetic, but I know he's being genuine

"It does suck," I agree, "but I'm okay."

"I guess it's better if you don't take that stuff too often anyway," he adds. "It messes kids up."

"Yeah, it does," I say, though I don't really give a fuck.

Sasuke is pretty anti-drug. I never would've expected that because he has gotten so trashy so many times before. But I guess people can change. He has. In a lot of ways.

I feel a little guilty making Sasuke believe that I'm telling him something deep about myself when I'm really just covering a separate behaviour I know he'd be bugged by, but I don't really know what else to do. I can't exactly be honest with him—I already know he wouldn't take it well.

The documentary ends and Sasuke doesn't make any more comments about my "tapping" or whatever, thank god. For some reason, I still feel like he's being critical of my behaviour. I can't tell if I'm just reading too far into things.

"Do you want to get an earlyish night?" I ask as I switch the television off.

"That's fine," he chuckles. "I didn't do a lot today but I'm kind of worn out anyway."

So, we end up getting ready for bed. Sasuke's already in my room settling down when I'm brushing my teeth and Kiba joins me in the bathroom.

"Is Sasuke staying over again?" he asks, getting his own toothbrush from the medicine cabinet.

"Yeah," I nod, "That okay?"

I don't really know why I'm asking. Just to be courteous I guess. There's no way I'm kicking Sasuke out either way.

"S'fine," he mumbles, although it's pretty obvious it's not.

I finish with my bathroom routine and make a quick plan with Kiba for getting to school tomorrow, telling him goodnight and then retiring to my room. When I get there, Sasuke seems to be already conked out which makes me chuckle since all he really did today was hang around the house.

"Sleep well!" I whisper as I slip under the covers and turn off the light.

"G'night," he mumbles back.


	22. Chapter 22: Kiba

**Kiba's POV**

Sasuke stayed over again last night. I kind of want him to go home, but I know Naruto would get annoyed if I voiced that opinion.

Whatever, I guess.

Until he leaves, I'll just spend more time at school. It's not a bad thing. I'm getting a lot of studying done. It's a good distraction.

As fucked up as my life is right now, I'm really determined to keep my grades up. I want to do something with my life – something meaningful. I really want to become a vet and it's not just because my sister is also a vet. I've wanted to do this for as long as I can remember.

When morning arrives I make toast and then I take the bus to school, not bothering to wait for Naruto. Classes go by slowly and then I spend the evening on campus, studying in the library. I only leave to grab a quick bite in the cafeteria.

I ended up getting that job in the mailroom that I applied for when I first moved in with Naruto. Unfortunately, they didn't really have a demand for summer employees so I had to wait until the first week of the school year to do the training and start my shifts. Monday was my first day—which is why I came home so late—but they mostly just stuck me in the back room with the manager so she could show me how to use their computer logging system. It was boring, but not very hard.

Honestly, I'm relieved to be making my own money. Relying on Naruto for everything was starting to make me feel really guilty and out of control. The fact that I haven't been paying rent also makes me feel like I have no say in what goes on in our apartment, which is difficult because I would really like to ask Naruto for a little more alone-time without other people around. I always feel like my space is being invaded.

It's not his intention, but it still sucks.

I hope I'll be able to save up a decent amount. I really want to help him out with rent. Then maybe I won't feel like I'm his fucking ward instead of his roommate.

.

.

When I get home, Sasuke isn't here. Naruto isn't here either. I hope Naruto is finally taking him home or something. The last thing I want is for them to return and say they went out to eat or some shit.

Honestly, Naruto probably just wants to fuck him or something. I don't care, but it's annoying. They should just do it already. Sasuke would probably be down. He seems easy. He was that way with girls, at least. I don't know if he's any different with guys.

Things with Naruto and I have been weird lately. Ever since all the shit about Hiro came out it's like we're both dancing around the subject. I guess I should be thankful because it's not like I really want to talk about it, but it also kind of feels wrong not to.

It's like, every time I look at Naruto I think about the fact that he knows. I get all these thoughts running in my head about what he's doing with that information. What does he think about me? What does he think about the fact that we hooked up? Does he think I'm gross? Does he just feel bad for me?

It's fucked up, but I kind of feel this pressure to tell him more. He's not asking though—he probably thinks it would make me uncomfortable.

Hell, it _would_ make me uncomfortable.

Sometimes I'll just be sitting at the table with him and some detail will pop into my memory that I have to actively try not to share with him. It's not a problem I've ever had before. I feel like it must be because I've never willingly told anyone until now.

I think Naruto would probably like it if I told him all of these things, but I'm too afraid to. I don't want to have to welcome more piteous glances. Sometimes he looks at me like he feels so fucking sorry for me and I HATE it. It's the worst thing in the world. I hate the idea of people feeling bad for me. I don't want them to. I don't want them to pity me. I don't want them to start tiptoeing around me. I don't want them to treat me differently. I don't want to feel so infantilized. It's gross. It makes me feel stupid, like a baby who needs to be cared for and watched because if he isn't then he might accidentally do something stupid.

But I guess it's not too far off the mark. Sometimes I think about fucking offing myself. Then I wouldn't have to deal with any of this shit anymore. Then everything would just be quiet. Forever.

I want to tell Naruto these things but it's also hard because he gets so awkward.

The week after Hiro broke Naruto's nose I told him about the way Hiro used to shove me around. We were watching TV and Naruto sneezed. It bled a little and then when he said it hurt like a bitch and the words practically flew out of me.

" _Hiro'_ _s always been super rough with people_ ," I said, " _He used to drag me around like a fucking rag doll._ _"_

Naruto raised an eyebrow at me. It seemed like an invitation to continue, so I did.

" _I'_ _d get these bruises on my arms_." The words came out easily, like I wasn't even talking about myself. " _Then he_ _'_ _d see them later and always tell me it was because I was so weak—that they wouldn_ _'_ _t bruise if I wasn_ _'_ _t weak_."

" _Yeah, well, he_ _'_ _s a fucking psycho_ ," Naruto snapped, still holding a tissue to his nose.

It wasn't exactly a _wrong_ response, but it wasn't the one I wanted.

Quite frankly, there probably is something wrong in Hiro's head. I don't know what, but it has to be something.

I don't want to talk to Naruto about it anymore, though. I don't really know what reaction I'm looking for, but he never seems to give it to me regardless.

I want Naruto's nose to heal so I can stop feeling guilty every time I fucking look at him.

I move into the kitchen and eat a banana. I don't feel particularly hungry lately. I'm too pissed off or depressed to eat half the time. Forcing food down is too much of a bother, so I've been eating like a rabbit.

I sit at the table and try not to dwell. It feels shitty to be alone. It's easier to be at school because I'm surrounded by sounds and by people. Now I'm not. This isn't the kind of quiet I take comfort in.

I've been spending kind of a lot of time by myself lately, save Akamaru. Naruto's too busy trying to get Sasuke's dick. I half wonder if he's avoiding me, but even if he is it's probably for the best because I feel like straight-up trash. I don't deserve his support or him being around all the time to take care of my fucking crises. When I'm this low, I tend to blow up over stupid shit and it would be embarrassing if Naruto had to see that. Last Thursday, I couldn't get an egg I was frying unstuck from the pan and it took every ounce of self-control I had not to sear my own hand on the burner.

I take all this shit out on myself. I don't understand why. I just feel like I fucking deserve it.

That sounds messed up, but it's true. Naruto keeps pushing me to go to regular therapy sessions. It feels like he's saying that because he doesn't want to deal with me, even though I KNOW that's not why he's saying it. He's saying it because he literally isn't equipped to handle shit like this and he cares about me and doesn't want me to keep driving myself crazy.

Honestly, I fucking should… but I don't want to. I don't like talking about this shit. It would be too hard. I'd probably end up skipping sessions. That seems like something I would do.

I don't want to even attempt regular therapy sessions until I am totally committed… and right now I'm far from ready for a thing like that.

At this point I don't even know what would have to happen in order for me to get myself to a place where I could really start to work through all this shit. What I really want is an explanation from Hiro, but even I know that's never going to happen.

Speaking of Hiro, he hasn't stopped pestering me despite what happened between him and Naruto. I've been ignoring him though, probably because for the first time in my life I'm more worried about what would happen to Naruto if he confronted Hiro again than I am about myself.

I should have never been allowing him over in the first place, but Hiro gets inside my head and I end up doing whatever he wants no matter how badly I don't want to.

It sounds dumb. I can't explain it in a way that would make sense to anyone else. Even Naruto could barely grasp it.

I really hate Hiro. He's the worst person in the world, but sometimes I feel like the opposite. Sometimes I feel bad for him and it makes me feel gross about myself because who the fuck pities their abuser? Well, a lot of people do, I guess, but it still sucks.

I still feel bad he knows where I live. I don't want him to show up again. Naruto would lose his fucking shit. They'd fight. Naruto would probably get his ass kicked even worse.

Hiro kept making threats, which is why he got my address in the first place. They were vague threats, but they still freaked me out.

It's easy for someone like Naruto to reason with this type of situation. You hate someone—they were bad to you—just cut them out of your life! It doesn't work the same way for me, though. It's painful for me to have Hiro in my life. It's painful for me to have Hiro out of my life. As much as I hate my family thinking bad things about me, sometimes I hate that they think bad things about him too. I feel guilty. He programmed me to feel guilty. It's like he's planned this entire thing out to keep me trapped under his thumb for the rest of my god damn life. I can't leave things the way they are, but I can't confront or run from them either.

It's too complicated.

Soon enough, the door opens and it makes me wonder how long I've been sitting here holding this half eaten banana.

I stand up and wander into the foyer. Naruto is there and he's alone.

"Hey…" I say.

"Hey!" he greets me, all smiles.

"Where were you?" I pry.

"I took Sasuke home," he reveals. "He said he felt like he had a long enough break from his parents and didn't want to be gone for too long. I just hope they don't get too pissy at him or anything."

"Ah, yeah," I murmur. I don't really know what else to say because I don't really care.

He kicks off his shoes. "How was your day?"

I shrug. "Fine."

It feels tense, but that might be my fault. I don't even know anymore. I seem to be fucking up left and right lately.

"Do your classes seem like they'll be hard?" Naruto asks, hanging up his car keys up on the hook by the door.

I shrug, "Yeah, they'll probably be pretty tough."

He nods but doesn't pry further. It's probably pretty obvious that I'm not in a chatty mood.

"Have you had dinner?" he asks instead.

"No, but I'm not hungry," I tell him, not wanting him to go through the trouble of making a meal I probably wouldn't be able to stomach. Besides, I ate that banana. That's enough, right? I don't even really care at this point.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"All right," he relents. "Let me know if you change your mind."

"I'm probably just going to go to bed soon," I admit. "Make it an early night."

He is frowning. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I insist.

He looks like he doesn't believe me at all. I guess I'm not being very convincing. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm fucking sure," I insist again, though my tone is flat. I feel so out of it.

He lets out a sigh, almost sounding irritated. "If you say so…"

With that, he turns into the kitchen and I disappear into my room. I change into my pyjamas and then I brush my teeth and fall into bed.

.

.

The following week, soccer starts up again. I'm really not looking forward to it. It's too much for me right now and I don't want to do it. I've been in a sour mood about it all day and Naruto keeps poking at me and asking why I'm being such a dick.

It doesn't help that the whole reason I play soccer was because my parents thought that keeping active would help me balance out my fucked up emotions. Regardless, no matter how much exercise is supposed to make you feel better, it obviously didn't do the trick for me. Now it's just like a reminder that I'm beyond help and one extra thing to add to my already busy schedule.

When practice rolls around I decide to focus on playing as hard as I can so it will go by faster. At least if I tire myself out I'll be able to fall asleep when I get home and not think about how messed up my life is.

We do warm-ups and drills, kicking the ball back-and-forth to each other across the field because a lot of people-myself included-are rusty from being out of season.

Naruto seems to be having fun, though. He kicks the ball to me and I aim it at another kid, getting him right in the face.

"KIBA!" the coach yells.

"It was an accident," I justify myself, though I don't quite feel like it was.

I'm angry. Too angry.

This isn't fun at all for me.

"Kiba, man, settle down," Naruto says, clapping me on the back. "You don't want to get in trouble, do yah?"

"I don't fucking care," I mutter.

"What's with you lately?" he asks for what feels like the billionth time.

"Nothing!" I hiss, feeling exasperated. "I'm fine, Naruto."

He shrugs it off and we join in on drills again.

We end up focusing on dribbling since I guess it's the skill people have the most trouble keeping up on, but it's bugging me out because we're supposed to try to steal the ball from one another and that's a little much for me right now.

A freshman who I guess they're prepping to be a forward shows off some fancy footwork and ends up getting praised by the coach. I can't help but roll my eyes, and Naruto very visibly scoffs at me. I ignore him.

When we start up again the same freshman gets a hold of the ball but this time near me. He seems too cocky. I want to take him down a notch.

I get up next to him and end up tripping him blatantly. I don't even feel bad, and after he topples to the ground I don't offer him a hand up.

The coach blows his whistle and approaches us, giving me a dirty look as he picks up the ball.

"Soccer isn't a contact sport Kiba," he tells me condescendingly.

"What-fucking-ever," I mumble under my breath. This is so dumb. I don't want to be here.

"For fuck's sake, asshole!" the freshman whines at me. "What the hell was that for?"

"Don't be such a baby," I retort.

Naruto looks totally weirded out, but he doesn't say anything – not yet. I know he will later though. He'll wait until we're alone and then he'll call me out. He won't do it now because he knows I'd lose my shit on him like I'm losing my shit on everyone else.

He looks irritated, though, like I'm making this suck for everyone. His arms are crossed and his eyebrows are knitted together, like he's glaring at me. The coach looks just as pissed.

Somehow, I can't even bring myself to care. What's he going to do? I'm one of his best players.

I try to stay on the edge of the field for the rest of practice. I feel like if I get into it with someone I'm going to snap and kick the shit out of them.

When it finally fucking ends, our coach calls us all together and tells us we're playing our first home game on Friday. I really wish I could find a way out of it, but I know there's no way I'm going to make that happen.

As Naruto and I leave the field and get in his car, he gives me an incredibly annoyed look.

"What?" I snap.

"Seriously?" he shoots back.

He's obviously mad, but I don't have the energy to fight with him. It's not like I don't know I'm being an asshole. I don't need another fucking lecture.

"You owe an explanation," he murmurs. "Honestly, you're being such a dick lately and I have no idea why."

"I'm not even being that bad," I retort. "Everyone is just being an overly sensitive baby."

Naruto's eyes narrow. "Is that something Hiro would say?"

"Are you fucking KIDDING me right now?" I practically shout at him. I give him a look of blatant betrayal, hoping he'll realize how fucked up what he just said is.

Looks like I'm out of luck, though, because he doesn't seem to budge.

"I'm not kidding at all," he says. "I know that sounds harsh of me, but clearly something is going on with you. Is it because of him?"

"For fuck's sake," I spit, glancing away from him and out the window.

He prods me some more, but I don't respond. "Fine, give me the silent treatment all you want, but you best believe this isn't the end. I'll be asking you again."

He starts the car and we head back to the apartment.

I'm mad. I'm like, _really_ mad. How fucking dare Naruto say something like that to me?

I feel like I might vomit. I don't want to talk to him about this. I don't want to have a conversation about this ever.

When we pull up to the complex I open the car door quickly without bothering to wait for Naruto. I want to be left the hell alone. I'm going to freak the fuck out.

I can't believe he would compare me to Hiro.

I beep in and rush up the stairs to our apartment, heading to my bedroom where Akamaru is laying on the floor. As soon as I enter he stands up and pads over to me, rubbing his head against my knees. I close the door behind me and sit down on my bed. Naruto had better not try to follow me in here. I don't even want to look at him right now.

I grind my teeth together. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.

Surely enough, my door opens and Naruto pushes his way in.

"What?" I spit at him. "What the fuck do you want now?"

"To talk," he states. "You're being such a douche lately and it's pissing me off. You hurt two people for no reason today. What the hell was up with that?"

I stare down at the carpet and as far away from him as possible.

"It has nothing to do with you," I say sharply.

"Well, yeah, it kind of does," he retorts. "You're being an asshole to me, too, and I want to know why."

"It's none of your business!" I shout, raising my head to stare at him as I get the words out. I want to show intent.

"So, we're back to this?" he asks. "We're back at square one, with you not saying a fucking word to me about how you feel?"

"It's not about you!" I say, sounding shrill even to my own ears. I feel frantic as hell. I want him to go away. I'm so overwhelmed right now I can hardly breathe.

"I know that!" he argues, although I'm not sure he does. He keeps bringing it back around to how I'm not letting him in. I wish he could get it through his thick skull that it's not that I don't want to, I just can't.

"Then stop acting like it's your responsibility to force me to open up!" I shout back at him. God, I sound like I'm fucking begging. This is seriously pathetic.

Naruto looks frustrated, like he has no fucking clue where I'm coming from.

"This is hurting OUR relationship," he explains, lowering his voice. "It's extremely difficult to watch someone I care about just flat-out wreck themselves."

"It's hard to talk about!" I justify, "Especially when no one responds the right way! You know me better than anyone else and even you clearly don't know what to say half the time!"

Naruto blinks. He seems to be contemplating what I'm saying, but the length of his pause makes it obvious that he's still at a loss.

"Kiba, I want you to talk to me—" he says a moment later, "but this is why you really need to a see a therapist. I'm doing my best but I'm really not equipped for this."

I want to scream.

"That's EXACTLY what I mean when I say you don't respond the right way!" I strain to tell him, probably sounding agonized as fuck. "I don't WANT to see a therapist! You should know that by now! It feels like you're just trying to pass off my problems onto someone else!"

Naruto lets out a sharp sigh, twisting his mouth into a tight frown.

"Well, how do you want me to respond then? I'm not trying to pass you off onto someone else," he huffs. "I just want you to have the help you need."

I can't help but roll my fucking eyes because I don't care what he thinks I need. I literally cannot talk to someone I hardly know about the way my cousin used to fucking touch me. I'd die of shame. Talking to Shizune was bad enough, but at least my parents told her the brunt of it so I didn't have to get down and dirty with the details of it all. If I see her regularly, I would have to. She would pry. She would want me to talk.

It's too fucking much. I can hardly handle thinking about it. I'd honestly just die.

"Don't roll your eyes," Naruto bites out. "Just fucking talk to me."

"I hate how you treat me sometimes," I say. "Like I'm a fucking baby."

He lets out a sigh. "It's not intentional."

"How do I want you to respond?" I repeat the question he asked a minute ago. "Well, I don't fucking know. I don't want you to look so fucking piteous, for one thing. It's hard to look at."

"Well, it's hard to be objective about this kind of shit…" Naruto murmurs.

"I know," I hiss, "You think I don't know that? Stop doing that thing where you interject all the time! Just let me fucking talk!"

Naruto looks seriously disheartened. I guess I don't blame him because I'm kind of flipping my lid, but I feel like he needs to hear these things. He needs to know that him trying to make decisions for me all the time isn't what I want.

"I'm sorry," he says, somewhat more humbly, "I want you to feel like I'm hearing you."

"Then just listen to me—" I explain further, "—I don't need to hear about how you think Hiro's a fucking psycho or whatever. I know that. I know that he's an awful human being. It makes me feel way worse when I feel like you're judging me for letting someone you think is a crazy asshole fuck around with me!"

"Okay." Naruto doesn't say anything else – not yet. I guess this is it. He's letting me talk.

"He just, like…" I trail off, pointing to my temple. "He gets into my head and I get so fucking stupid! It's like everything I feel gets so flimsy and malleable and he can make me think anything he wants me to think."

Naruto nods his head slowly. "He manipulates you…?"

"Well, yeah," I say. "He's so fucking good at it, too. He's good at manipulating everyone – not just me. I mean, he even had you fooled once upon a time."

"That's true," Naruto murmurs solemnly.

Hiro makes people feel bad for him and then they let him in. Figuratively and literally. That's what happened to me those months back when I let him into the house. He told me things about himself and I felt bad for him. It sounds so stupid now. I know it's stupid, but I fall for it every fucking time.

"I want him out of my life but I physically can't bring myself to make him fuck off." I bring a hand to my forehead. "It's scary to think that it might always be like this."

Naruto frowns, but it's obvious he's trying his best not to just look like he feels sorry for me.

"Is there a way I can support you in cutting him out?" he asks after a moment.

I breathe out a heavy sigh. "I don't know—" I admit, "That's what I'm trying to figure out. I feel like it's always in the front of my mind—when he's going to pop up again and how I'm going to deal with it. I want him to leave me alone but I don't think he ever will, so I end up resigning myself to the fact that it's just going to keep happening."

"Do you want him out of your life?" Naruto asks and before I can protest the question he puts a hand up and says, "I won't judge you if you don't. I swear. Just be honest."

I pause for a moment and think about it. Honestly, I want him gone. I want him out of my life. But sometimes that makes me feel bad and I think that's another reason why I welcome him back. When he's being nice, I feel bad for being an asshole.

"I don't know," I mumble awkwardly. "For the most part, I do…"

"For the most part?" Naruto pries.

"I want him to stop harassing me," I start. "If he suddenly could become like a normal relative, then I could probably forgive him. I'd probably be able to move on. I just… I want things to be different and I know they never will be and it sucks."

Naruto nods slowly. I wonder if I'm freaking him out. If I am, he's not making it obvious.

"I know Hiro's really fucked in the head," I admit, "He doesn't even feel sorry for what he did to me-I think that's the hardest part. When he found out about me getting a service dog he practically laughed at me. He acted like it was my fault and that I just wasn't tough enough to get over it."

Naruto gives me a lopsided frown. "You're not weak," he says, "you're one of the toughest people I know."

"I asked him if he felt bad or if he cared," I sigh. This shit is so hard to say. "He just told me that we were kids and I was his favorite cousin."

Naruto looks like he might be sick and I feel it. That line is probably the nastiest thing Hiro says.

And he says it so fucking often. I don't know why. It really sets me off. It makes me cringe, like this disgusting feeling starts moving all throughout my body – like a bug or something. I feel it under my skin and I want to scratch it out but I can't. He's there. He's always fucking there – touching me, laughing at me, doing the things he does.

"I don't want to be his favourite," I add, "but I feel like if I wasn't, then his misplaced affection or whatever the hell this is would have just ended up directed at one of my other cousins. I couldn't really handle that."

"Shit," Naruto whispers. "Yeah… I can understand that."

"Can you?" I ask.

He smiles weakly. "Not really. Sorry."

I'm thankful that he can acknowledge the fact that he really has no idea what I'm going through, but sometimes it makes me feel really alone. I wish I knew someone who understood where I was coming from, at least on a base level.

"So, what was going on at practice today?" Naruto asks, moving across the room and sitting on my bed.

"I was just mad," I explain because that's pretty much the gist of it. I don't know why I'm so pissed off lately. I just kind of…am.

Nothing's changed. Maybe that's part of the problem. I feel stuck in my emotions. Nothing seems like it's getting better.

"Well…" Naruto tilts his head from side to side, looking contemplative, "Try not to let your temper get so out of control. Don't let an idiot like Hiro control you like that."

I want to fucking scoff at him. He said he wants me to open out and let my guts flop around so he can play in them, but then he does shit like this. He does the very thing I don't want him to do. He does the very thing I tell him I hate. He tells me what to do and he insults Hiro in the same damn breath.

"Whatever," I mutter.

Naruto tilts his head to the side, eying me. It's like he doesn't even understand what he just did. He probably doesn't. Things just fly out of his mouth and he doesn't fucking get it. He has no filters.

"I don't want to talk about this shit anymore," I say with a sense of finality.

He seems to drop it at that. "All right, man… Thanks for talking to me."

"Yeah," I mumble.

After a moment of awkward silence I tell Naruto that I have homework I should probably focus on. Soccer's going to severely cut into my study time and I can't afford to get behind this early in the semester.

"Alright, I'll get started on dinner," he says compliantly, although I don't think he buys the act for a second.

Once he leaves my room, I pull out my laptop and check my Facebook. Unsurprisingly, I have a message from Hiro. I leave it unread and exit out of the tab so that he can't see that I'm online. I catch hell every time he thinks I'm ignoring him.

I try to start on my genetics homework but it's too damn hard to focus, and I've barely made it through ten pages before Naruto calls me and says it's time to eat.

Fuckin' great.

With a sigh, I heave myself up and leave my room. In the kitchen, he's pouring me a bowl.

"I started my job," I decide to remind him, "so I can help you pay rent soon."

"Oh!" he says. "You don't have to do that, man."

"Yeah, I do," I deadpan, "and even if I didn't, I would still want to."

I don't know why he doesn't think it's a big deal for him to literally be paying all of the rent. I mean, if I'm living here some of that responsibility needs to fall on me. Otherwise, things can't feel equal around here.

"All right," he relents easily. "Sure, then, but if things get to be too much you can always let me pay the rent some months."

For fuck's sake, this guy…

"They won't," I insist firmly.

I pretty much have guaranteed work. It's not like the school is going to flake out on me. If they started doing that to students, there'd be a huge stink about it.

I can appreciate that he's trying to make my life easier by doing all these things for me, but it's starting to feel kind of oppressive—like when I lived at home. He's really different from my parents, but there are enough similarities that I can't help but equate them to each other. I should probably talk with him about it, but I physically cannot muster up the energy right now.

Instead, I just keep acting sour. I know I can't expect him to be able to read my mind and act exactly how I want but lately there's so much shit that gets under my skin I don't even know where to start fixing it. Every single casual conversation makes me feel on edge. Every serious one makes me feel trapped.

"All right," Naruto says again. There's a sense of finality, like he doesn't want me to keep whining about it. So, I don't. I'm quiet. He's quiet. We eat in silence. I help him do the dishes because I feel like I probably should. Then I head back to my room.

This is stupid. I hate feeling this way. It's seriously too fucking much. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so restless. I'm so on edge. I feel like I'm going to blow my lid even worse soon enough. It feels so inevitable.

Everything feels like circular – like I keep repeating these same, stupid mistakes, but this is the first time things have felt this shitty.

I could say that I hope things get better with time, but I know they won't. I'm probably going to have to make a big change that I don't have enough resources to feel comfortable with yet.

Even so, I still have to finish my fucking genetics homework, so I settle back into my bed and open the huge-ass text book.

Honestly, I'm kind of jealous Sasuke took the term off to figure his shit out, whatever it is. I could probably benefit from something like that.

Soon enough, I make it through the reading. It's getting late though and I decide to head to bed because it always takes me forever to fall asleep and I'd like to not be a walking zombie tomorrow.

"G'night!" I call to Naruto as I head back to my room after having brushed my teeth.

"See you in the morning!" he calls back from his own room.

I'm frustrated that this is where our friendship is right now. It honestly hurts a little. I can't believe I let everything get so fucked up.

I could tell Naruto that, but I don't think he'd get it. Instead, I don't say anything further and just fall into bed, Akamaru curling up beside me.

.

.

Come Friday, we start prepping for the stupid fucking soccer game tonight. I'm really not looking forward to this shit. As we bum around the gym, Naruto keeps asking me if I'm okay. I want to strangle him.

"I'm fucking fine," I say tersely.

He opens his mouth and then closes it quickly, like he's silencing himself. He was probably about to say something stupid or sarcastic. He was probably trying to tell me to control myself or some crap. Good thing he shut himself up. I probably would've gotten mad and popped him or something.

I feel uncomfortable, like I don't want anyone to look at me let alone touch me. If someone gets too close I'll probably lose it all over again.

I'm in the middle of doing some hamstring stretches when that shitty little freshman from earlier in the week approaches me. He doesn't say anything at first, just stands next to me doing stretches of his own and watching me out of the corner of his eye.

Having him there makes me kind of anxious, particularly because I can't tell what the fuck he's up to. Does he want to talk to me? Is he trying to watch my warm-up technique because I'm an older player?

After a few minutes of silence, he pauses and gives me a dirty look.

"What do you want?" I spit out, unable to stop myself.

"Nothing?" he sneers. "What's your fucking problem?"

Is he TRYING to start shit with me?

"Fuck off," I mutter.

He shoves me in response to that and I shove him right back.

Before things can get too heated, Naruto runs over and breaks us up. "Kiba!" he spits out my name. "Fucking calm down! If the coach sees you being a bitch, he'll kick you off the team."

"Whatever," I mutter.

I don't even fucking care about that at this point. In fact, I'd probably welcome it. One less thing I have to worry about.

"Control your friend!" the freshman says to Naruto.

I try to lunge at him again, but Naruto holds me back and does exactly that – he controls me. I turn around in his grip and give him a push. He lets go and steps away, holding his hands up in defeat.

The freshman looks smug and it really pisses me off. I can't believe he's giving me this kind of attitude.

It's embarrassing, frankly. Naruto should let me beat the shit out of this kid. He fucking deserves it. I don't know why everyone is acting like I'm the bad guy here.

The freshman turns to walk away and as he does Naruto gives me a concerned look. He doesn't say anything though. He just looks at a loss for words.

"He started it," I justify poorly, "you don't have to look like you feel so damn bad for me. I can take care of myself."

Naruto still doesn't respond and it's a little unnerving. He has a frown plastered to his face, like he's already resigned himself to the fact that he's not going to get anywhere with me right now. I guess it's probably true.

After that, I keep my distance from everyone. Soon enough, the coach starts rounding us up, telling us to get ready for the game. We suit up and wait around as the bleachers begin to fill up.

I don't want to be here at all. I can't believe how much I don't want to be here.

Naruto gives me a hard pat on the back and says, "Ready?"

I want to shove him, but I don't. "Yeah," I murmur.

He gives me an unsure look, but doesn't try to push or probe. Instead, he starts glancing around the crowd. He's probably looking for Sasuke. Barf. I wonder if he'll actually show up. If he doesn't, then Naruto is going to get really whiney and annoying about it.

The first half of the game goes off without a hitch. That stupid freshman even scores a goal, which he and the rest of our team seems pretty proud of. Normally I would be stoked, but I physically cannot bring myself to be happy about it.

When halftime rolls around I stand by the benches and get myself some water while Naruto runs off to the bleachers to talk to Sasuke, who must have shown up sometime right after we started playing.

When the 15 minutes are up, Naruto returns to the field and our coach blows the whistle for us to get into formation.

"So he ended up coming?" I comment when I see the huge grin on Naruto's face.

"Yeah!" he tells me. "Nice of him, right?"

Ugh. What fucking ever.

"Super nice," I say, trying not to sound too sarcastic.

I wonder what they were talking about. Probably stupid shit. Naruto was probably saying how glad he was that Sasuke showed up and all that crap.

I wonder if Sasuke finds it weird being here after he dropped out. Ha. I would. But whatever

I start zoning out a bit, getting lost in my thoughts while trying to pay attention to what's going on around me. It feels like I'm separating myself, trying to be in two places at once. Naruto kicks the ball to me, but some stupid fuck from the opposite team cuts me off. I start feeling aggressive and irritable.

Tensions get higher as the game continues and the other team scrambles to close the point gap. They start playing kind of messy and we take advantage, scoring one and then two more goals.

Regardless, I still don't feel good.

Eventually, that little freshman fucker gets control of the ball again. We've been playing pretty well so far and because of that the opposing team has tightened up their defense.

I find my way to a straight path between two players and make myself open for a back-pass. We shouldn't be trying to score again since we're already so far in the lead and any type of shot would just end up with the other team in possession of the ball.

The freshman makes eye contact with me and I give him a little nod.

He doesn't pass to me though. Instead, he gives me a dirty look and swings his head around, searching for another person to pass to.

Jesus fucking Christ. THIS is how it's gonna be?

I look around the field and try to predict where he's going to kick the ball and spot our striker standing to the right of the goal.

He's going to try to score again. Fucking great. He's going to fuck up our whole game if he starts playing with a strategy like that! It should be obvious—am I am the only one seeing this!? Where's the fucking coach when I need him?

I'm mad. I'm more than mad. I was mad before this and now I'm just fucking livid. You can't hold grudges on the field like this kid obviously is. I can't believe they would let someone this fucking stupid play forward in our first game.

So, I end up booking it towards the striker.

I reach him right as the ball does and before I know what I'm doing—in a desperate attempt to control the situation—I slide tackle right into his ankle.

I knock him down and he lets out a convoluted cry, followed shortly after by a loud, long whistle from the referee.

Righting myself, I look to the ref who is approaching us quickly.

Fuck.

I'm going to get yelled at. Everyone is going to be pissed.

I feel bad for a split second, but it goes away quickly when the coach starts hollering at me from the sidelines. The ref tells me to take a seat and when I near the sidelines my coach grabs my shoulder and pulls me further aside.

"What the hell is your problem lately, Inuzuka?"

"Nothing," I say, spitting the words out. "Fuck."

"You're out, Inuzuka," he says sharply.

"How about I just fucking quit – I'm done with this shit," I retort before walking off.

Naruto is going to fucking kill me. I know it. He'll be pissed off as hell. He'll explode at me. He'll put blame. He'll demand answers. He'll try to guilt me. I'm too mad to feel guilty.

I don't bother hanging around for the game to finish up. I walk home, fuming the entire way.

If anything, that freshman deserves as much blame as me. I know no one will see it that way, but you don't just get to go around fucking with the strategy of the game. You don't get to pass to whomever the fuck you want just because you're bitter you were a baby during practice earlier that week. Fucking hell.

When I finally get back to the apartment, Akamaru is waiting for me. He circles around my legs and then follows me into my bedroom, where I close and lock the door.

I sit down on the floor and put my head between my knees because I feel like if I keep pacing around I might hyperventilate.

I let out a breath. I try to calm down, but I'm overwhelmed again. I hate this fucking feeling. I sit up quickly and let out a loud, frustrated groan. I force myself to my feet and go to the kitchen. I need a fucking drink. I open the cabinet and look for whatever is strongest. I find some dark rum – gnarly shit, but it'll do the trick.

I get a glass and pour to the mid-point before taking a swig, trying not to let the burning sensation make me gag.

I sit in the living room and pull my knees up to my chest, sitting still as I continue taking large gulps. Akamaru sits with me, nudging my legs with his nose and letting out whines.

This is fucking miserable. I didn't want to keep playing soccer but this isn't what I had in mind. Naruto is going to freak when he gets home and it's making me feel a kid who broke a damn lamp and has to wait for his dad to get home to tell him.

I feel physically uncomfortable thinking about the conversation I'm about to have.

I wish I wasn't this way. I didn't mean to hurt one of my teammates. I thought things would get better after I told Naruto what happened to me but instead all the feelings just getting worse and more out of control.

I finish my drink and sit back on the couch, squeezing my eyes shut and bringing my hand to my mouth to stifle the sob rising in my throat. I'm seriously losing my mind.

I swallow harshly, sniffling a bit. When I am sufficiently calm, I finish my drink and pour another. I don't know how long I'm sitting here, but Naruto comes home. I hear the door open and the anxiety doubles.

Shit, shit, shit, shit.

"Kiba!" he shouts. I hear a bang, which I can assume is his shoes being kicked into the wall as he removes them. When he appears in the kitchen archway, he looks pissed off.

"What. The. Fuck!" he demands loudly.

Akamaru barks.

I rub my head and say, "Not so fucking loud…"

It comes out a bit slurred. I guess I drank more than I thought.

"We're going to fucking talk about this, you asshole!" he continues, shouting some more.

"There's nothing to talk about," I insist, although it's a lackluster attempt at getting him to back off. We both know it won't work.

"You REALLY hurt that guy!" Naruto spits out, crossing the room and standing in front of me on the couch. "They had to come get him on a stretcher and everything! He might be out for the whole season!"

"Makes two of us," I snap right back.

Naruto gives me a dirty look. "Don't be a fucking idiot," he tells me, "You're not fucking quitting."

"Uh, yeah—" I say sarcastically, "I fuckin' am."

There's a brief silence, like Naruto is trying to choose his next words carefully. He looks like he's about to having a fucking stroke from having to deal with all my bullshit.

"Kiba this is fucking stupid!" he exclaims a moment later. "Why are you throwing everything away?"

"I'm not!" I seethe. "All this just because I don't want to play sports?!"

I can't fucking believe this shit.

"If you wanted to quit, you should've just quit!" he shouts, his voice getting even louder. "Why'd you have to start acting like an asshole and wailing on everyone? You made yourself look like such a dick!"

"God, shut up," I moan.

"No! We're going to fucking talk about this!"

I don't think I've ever seen him this angry.

"No, we're not! I don't feel like it!" I shout back.

Naruto laughs callously. "That's too damn bad!" he retorts.

Without even thinking about it, I pick up my glass and hurl it into the wall.

"Jesus Christ!" he jumps as the glass shatters and falls to the floor. "What the FUCK is wrong with you!?"

"You know what's wrong with me!" I scream back.

Naruto looks completely unfazed, which for some reason only makes me more upset. It's like he sees everything going on in my head and actively chooses to ignore it.

"Yeah, oookay." He lets out a bitter laugh, putting his hands up in feigned defeat. "Well, I'm going to get the hell out of here. You can have the apartment to yourself for tonight and figure out how to cool the fuck down." He turns and points to the glass that's now spread across the floor, "—and clean that the fuck up. Don't smash my shit."

With that, he walks out of the room. Suddenly, all at once, the guilt comes back a tenfold. I stare at the glass on the floor. A lump forms in my throat and my eyes glaze over. When I blink, they start to water.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Why do I keep doing this? Why the hell can't I stop? I need to fucking stop. I need to calm down. I need to stop acting like this. I need to stop treating everyone like shit.

I put my elbows on the table and put my face in my hands. I start sobbing, trying to be as quiet about it as I can.

This is so pathetic and humiliating.

Naruto reappears from his room a few minutes later—probably with full intention of booking it the hell out of here—but when he sees me he stops. He approaches the table and with a thump drops what would've been his overnight bag onto the floor.

He pulls out a chair and sits beside me, placing a hand softly on my shoulder.

"Enough," he whispers, "let's not do this anymore."

For some reason, I just end up crying harder. His words aren't comforting and I feel like this is never-ending.

My head hurts. I feel sick to my stomach. Today is such a mess I want to throw myself out a fucking window.

Naruto sits quietly while I do my best to calm down. He doesn't try to talk to me; he just lets the feelings pour out.

God, this is so fucking miserable. I seriously want to die. I can't handle this. I need this feeling to stop, but I don't know how to make it go away.

I don't know how long I'm bawling for, but when I finally begin to quiet down Naruto murmurs, "Kiba, man… I have no idea what to do…"

"Me either," I mumble, raising my head and swiping at my eyes and cheeks. "I keep thinking, like…" I trail off, unsure if I should fucking say it.

"What?" he urges.

"I keep thinking how much easier things would be if I was fucking dead," I tell him, scoffing at myself.

"No!" Naruto immediately exclaims. His eyebrows knit together and he stares at me so intensely. He looks so shocked that I'd think a thing like that, let alone say it out loud.

Honestly, I mean it, and I'm starting to scare myself. These thoughts are always running through my head and lately they've been louder.

Maybe I _should_ consider checking myself into a psychiatric hospital.

"Kiba, man, you can't say shit like that…" Naruto blabbers. "You're going to make me afraid to leave you alone."

"It's not like I'm actually going to off myself," I hiss, but only because I immediately regret telling him. I don't want Naruto to get on my ass but truthfully don't know what I'm capable of.

"Okay…" he says warily. "Don't scare me like that."

"Sorry," I mumble.

Naruto lets out a heavy sigh. "I would seriously like…I don't even know what I would do."

"Yeah," I agree, although with all the shit I'm stirring up lately I think he'd probably be better off without me around.

He shifts closer and puts an arm around me. "C'mon, let's go into the living room. We can talk. Or not. We can just hang out and watch TV if you want."

"Mm… okay," I mumble.

We relocate into the living room and Naruto reaches for the remote, turning the TV on. I try to watch the sitcom he puts on, but I'm so distraught I can't pay attention.

I grab a pillow and set it down near Naruto's legs before lying down on it.

"You can sleep if you want," Naruto says. "You're probably tired."

"I am," I murmur hoarsely.

I feel fucking dead. I feel numb – physically and mentally. It's a fuzzy feeling all throughout my body. It's even in my head. It's like my foot fell asleep, but the feeling spread through every inch of me.

I'm glad he didn't end up leaving though. I don't think I could have handled that. It would have been like the ultimate form of abandonment and on a day like today I probably NEED to be around people.

I know this isn't over though. Naruto is still going to want to talk about things and I need to prepare myself because I don't think he's going to take no as an answer.

Ideally, he'd just understand these things and I wouldn't need to wrack my brain for a way to explain them, but we both know that's not happening.

He places a hand on my head and runs his fingers through my hair. "You're okay," he says softly.

I'm not okay. I'm really, really not okay. I don't know who he's trying to convince.

Maybe me. Maybe himself. Maybe both of us. Either way, it just sounds fucking ridiculous.

I'm not okay. I'm so far from okay.

.

.

The following morning, I wake up and it's still dark out. I feel sick to my stomach and I realize I'm still on the sofa. There's a blanket draped over me and Naruto isn't around. He's probably in his room. I stand up and move into the bathroom, opening the toilet lid and unceremoniously dumping my guts out in it.

Gross.

Here I am again.

I really hope Naruto doesn't wake up. I don't want him to see this. He's already seen it enough times in the past. We don't need to add another incident to the list.

Once I'm finished puking, I stand up gingerly and walk to my bedroom, practically collapsing on my bed. Thank god it's the weekend and I don't have to get myself to go to classes. I'd probably just end up skipping if I did.

I feel like I could cry more, but the tears don't come out. If this is how it's always going to be, I don't really see the point. I feel so fucking numb, like I don't even exist.

I wish Naruto was here but I don't have the energy to drag myself to his room. I could call out to him but that seems so deeply pathetic that I can't bring myself to do it.

Akamaru whines a little at me and I stroke the fur around his neck. This is fine. I can be alone. This is what I have a dog for.

I close my eyes and Akamaru lies against me. I put my hands in his fur. He makes me feel better, sure, but only slightly and it isn't permanent. I can't fix this. They always say this about victims of childhood sex abuse – we will never be okay. Is that true? Sometimes I wonder. I really do. It's essentially the worst thing that can happen to a person, isn't it? I can't see myself as ever being okay. Not completely. This shit will haunt me until I'm dead and I'm starting to hope that that day comes sooner rather than later.

.

.

I wake up again some hours later when I hear my door creak open. I glance towards it and see Naruto hovering.

"Hey..." he says quietly. "It's 4:00PM. Are you okay?"

I grumble and sit up. My body aches and I want nothing more than to go back to bed.

"Fine," I tell him, although it's far from the truth.

"Alright." He sits down at the foot of the bed, sounding unconvinced. "Well…want me to make you some tea? Coffee?"

"Um," I mumble. "Maybe some tea."

Naruto nods, placing a hand softly on my shoulder. "Why don't you come out?" he suggests, "You can sit on the couch or something and we'll chat."

That sounds like pretty much the last thing I want to do, but for some reason I get the feeling I don't really have an option. I push off the blankets and roll out of bed, and Akamaru clambers down onto the floor.

"My stomach feels gross," I murmur.

"You'll be okay," he says.

I walk slowly, feeling queasier with each step. I sit on the sofa, keeping the lights off. I get comfortable on the sofa and Akamaru sits with me. Naruto disappears in the kitchen, returning a few minutes with two tea cups.

"Here," he says, handing me one. "It's peppermint. Peppermint is good for uneasy stomachs."

"Thanks," I mumble, taking the cup and staring at the murky green liquid.

I'm so stupid. I shouldn't have gotten drunk last night. That was the worst fucking idea ever. I need to take a damn break from alcohol. The hangover isn't worth the momentary feeling I get when I'm sloshed. Pain doesn't numb pain.

I sip on my tea and watch Naruto as he does the same. He's trying to keep things low-key and I guess I can appreciate that. It's what I need right now.

When I finish, I set my cup down on the coffee table and start to stand up.

"Where are you going?" Naruto asks, looking concerned.

"I haven't checked my phone yet today," I tell him, "I wanted to get it from my room."

Now that I have a job of my own, I was able to finally get my plan set back up. It was such a pain to be relying on Facebook for everything.

"Let me do it," he says, gesturing for me to stay seated. "Take it easy."

He must be able to tell how crummy I'm feeling to offer something like that. After he gets up and wanders off I look around the room, realizing that he even went through the trouble of cleaning up the smashed glass from last night.

Great. Now I feel fucking horrible.

I feel like I'm halfway to crying again, but I suck it up and keep it in. When he returns, he asks me if I'm okay. I must look distraught.

"Fine," I say and my voice cracks. God, this is so lame.

"No, you're not," he accuses.

"I just feel guilty," I murmur. "I'm sorry for being such shit. I should've cleaned the glass myself last night…"

"It's okay," Naruto says.

"No, it's not," I insist.

Naruto shrugs, not seeming bothered. "Well, I forgive you, then. I don't mind. You're struggling. I don't mind doing a few things for you. I know if the positions were reversed you'd be willing to help me out, too."

"Fine…" I say bleakly.

He finally hands me my phone and I take it. I stare at it, clicking the menu button to check my notifications. There's a text from my uncle asking me to call him and it causes me to get incredibly anxious incredibly fast.

For fuck's sake! What the hell is going on? I swear I can't catch a fucking break. It's one stupid thing after another stupid thing. I feel like I'm going to throw up again.

What does he want? Is it about Hiro? God, I hope not. Please, please, please don't let it be about him…

"Kiba, what is it?" Naruto asks.

"My uncle texted me," I say shakily.

"Your uncle?" he asks, sounding surprised, "Like...?"

"Like Hiro's dad," I clarify. "He said he wants me to call him, but he doesn't say what about."

"Oh," he mumbles unsurely, "are you going to?"

"I don't know," I admit. "He's never contacted me like this before."

It's scary. That side of the family hasn't ever tried to reach out to me like this before. It's always been curt hellos and vague questions about how I'm doing in school. I have literally no idea what they could possibly want to talk to me about.

"Ignore him if it makes you feel too weird," Naruto suggests, scowling, "Or better yet, I'll call for you and tell him to fuck off."

"I don't know what to do," I murmur, staring at my phone. "I need to know, but I don't want to know…"

"Want me to call and ask for you?"

I shake my head, frowning. Maybe I should text him back asking what he wants? Or maybe I should just get it over with… Fuck, I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm going to throw up again. The anxiety is making my queasy stomach even worse.

"Damn it," I whisper. I click on his name and hit the call back button, raising the phone to my ear. I close my eyes and listen as it rings.

Ring… ring…

" _Hello?"_ comes the voice.

"It's Kiba…" I say hoarsely.

" _Hi, Kiba_ ," Gaku's voice through the line, " _Thanks for calling_."

"What do you want...?" I ask. I should probably be more polite but I'm physically unable to. This is so weird. This is so, so weird.

" _Just to talk_ ," he says vaguely, " _Would you be willing to meet somewhere?"_

"Uh, no," I tell him without missing a beat. "You can talk to me over the phone."

There's no way in hell I would meet him. He's given me absolutely no reason to feel safe doing that.

He lets out a heavy sigh but doesn't protest. " _I guess that's fair."_

I'm a little surprised by that response. Typically everyone is my family is pushy as fuck and doesn't give a shit what I'm comfortable with.

It's relieving that he isn't trying to force me to go meet up with him. It's relieving that he's not trying to guilt me about it.

I glance at Naruto. He looks unsure. He looks like he's gaging my reaction. If I freak out, he'd probably grab the phone and talk to Gaku himself. He'd probably mouth off a lot and get protective and defensive.

I try to keep my calm, though I feel far from calm. I feel like a fucking wreck. My voice is shaky as hell. Gaku probably knows how unsettled I am.

I don't say anything else. I just wait. I hear my uncle sigh and then say, " _It_ _'_ _s about your cousin. If it_ _'_ _s okay, I_ _'_ _d like to talk about him._ _"_

The words sting. I close my eyes again and swallow hoarsely. "Wh-what about him…?" I ask quietly.

I knew this is what it would be about. I fucking knew it.

" _I understand that you two have a complicated history_ ," he says, sounding awkward and uncomfortable.

Before I can help myself I let out a bitter laugh. "Yeah!" I scoff. "I'll say!"

I wish he would hurry up and spit out whatever the fuck he called me to say. I don't want to talk for a second longer than I have to.

I half expect Gaku to get mad and start lecturing me, but he doesn't. Instead he stays quiet for a minute, like he's trying to figure out how to proceed.

" _I'm not sure how to talk about this_ -" he admits after a moment, "- _But I want to. I'm trying_."

I don't respond. I want him to get on with it and it's not like I'm any better at dealing with this.

What does he want to talk about? Me and Hiro? Or did some shit happen? Is he dead? Oh, fuck… What if that's it? What if Hiro died or something? Is that what he's calling to tell me?

"What happened?" I ask shakily, demanding answers. "You're scaring me."

I hear him sigh into the receiver again. " _He'_ _s been lashing out_ ," he mentions vaguely.

Oh.

I guess he isn't dead.

Well… Good. I don't want him to die. Not really.

"Lashing out…?" I question unsurely.

" _He'_ _s been angry_ ," my uncle continues. " _He kicked one of your little cousins_."

It surprises me because Hiro never seemed bent on making anyone's life hell except for mine.

"Why…?" I ask slowly.

" _I was hoping you might know_ ," Gaku says. " _I know you have separated yourself from your parents and everyone else in the family in the process. This probably includes Hiro, no?_ _"_

"Yeah…" I murmur, confirming his assumption. "Maybe… Maybe he's mad I'm not around."

He sighs into the receiver. " _Yeah, that_ _'_ _s what I was worried it might be_ ," he mumbles defeatedly, " _I just_ _…don'_ _t really know what to do._ _"_

"Why are you asking me?" I snap, "As if I would know fucking anything about how to control him!?"

This is unbelievable. I don't even understand what's happening right now.

Gaku takes a deep breath. " _I'_ _m sorry_ ," he says after a moment, " _I'_ _m so sorry. I_ _…_ _should have spoken with you sooner._ _"_

Does he want me to say I forgive him? Because I fucking don't. I don't think I'll even be able to forgive any of them. As much as Hiro is the root of all of this, my family refusing to acknowledge what happened is probably the reason I'm still so fucked up over it.

I stay quiet, waiting for him to continue.

" _Hiro has done horrible things_ ," he adds suddenly, " _Horrible things that were followed by horrible mistakes on our part._ _"_

I feel angry – too angry to be having this conversation, but then again I'll be angry no matter what because that's just how I am lately.

"No shit," I bite. "He ruined my fucking life and everyone just told me to get over it. Well, I couldn't. Now I'm so fucked up I can barely function."

" _I'_ _m sorry_ ," he says again.

"Yeah? Well you're the only one. My parents don't give a fuck and your wife probably doesn't, either. They all want to keep pretending nothing happened. My parents got mad things got this bad. So, I left."

" _That_ _'_ _s understandable._ _"_

"Yeah, it is," I agree tersely. I let out a breath and murmur, "Why did you all do that? Didn't you know it was fucking impossible?"

" _We made huge mistakes_ _–_ _with you, with Hiro_ …" he starts.

"Do my parents know you are calling me?" I ask, changing the tone of the conversation.

" _No, they don_ _'t."_

That's surprising. That's REALLY surprising. Up until now, everyone in my family has lived by some like, unspoken code not to bring this up. It's a huge step for Gaku to be speaking to me at all, let alone without the permission of my parents.

"Why?" I ask, although I'm pretty sure I already know the answer.

" _Your mother is difficult_ ," he explains, sounding like he feels bad saying it, " _she decided for a lot of people other than herself how what happened was going to be dealt with, and not all of us agree."_

"All of you?"

" _Me and your father_ ," he elaborates.

"My father?" I scoff. "If he had an issue with the way she did things he could have told her that. Or ME for that matter."

Gaku sighs. He seems just as uncomfortable with this conversation as I am. " _For him...the more time passed_ ," he says, " _the harder it got to bring it up_."

My mom has my dad wound so fucking tight it's pathetic. He is a weak person. They all are. It makes me bitter. They feel shitty over it yet nothing changes. My dad should be calling me instead - not my uncle. Either way, I can't forgive my dad. Especially considering that he will probably never apologize. If he does... Well, I'll cross that bridge if I ever get to it.

"Well, we all know my mom is fucking nuts," I murmur. "I still don't get why everyone went along with it, it wasn't fucking fair to me. I was really screwed over."

" _I know_ ," Gaku says remorsefully.

I do think he feels bad about it. I can sense it. The only problem is me. I have a hard time forgiving and this is a sensitive topic.

"Well, what now?" I ask.

" _Let me make it up to you_ ," he says.

"How?" I question, and I'm not trying to be a jerk. I legitimately don't know how he could make something like that up to me. I feel like I've lost years of my life and that's not the sort of thing you can really just give back to someone.

" _I don't know yet_ ," he admits, " _but I want to have a relationship with you if you'll let me. I want to figure it out."_

"I have to think about it," I tell him. There's just no way I could have an answer to this on the fly.

" _That's fair. Take your time. I know this must be a lot to take in_ ," he says and I'm pretty sure it's the most understanding thing anyone in my family has ever said to me.

I don't really know how I feel about this. I need time to think things over. I'll tell Naruto and see what he thinks.

"Yeah..." I say. "Um, I don't want to talk anymore. I'll think about things, though."

 _"Okay, Kiba."_

With that, I hang up.

Naruto is staring at me expectantly. "What was that all about?"

"Hiro kicked one of my little cousins. He's acting up a lot lately. I think it's because he's mad I'm not letting him hang around anymore."

"Kiba, that's definitely not your fault," Naruto says right away. "Don't let anyone guilt you over it."

"I don't think my uncle was trying to..." I admit.

But what if he is? What if he just wants to reel me in for Hiro's sake?

I don't know if I can trust him. He will need to really earn it.

It would be so fucked up if they were just trying to keep me around just so that Hiro could keep messing with my head, but honestly, it wouldn't be that shocking. It's kind of what they've been doing all this time anyway, just not in so many words.

"Is that all he said?" Naruto presses, "That Hiro was being a tool?"

"No…" I mumble, "He said he was sorry, for like, what happened."

Naruto blinks. "Woah. Really?" he asks in surprise.

"I know." I wring my hands together. "That's a fuckin' first."

I'm pretty none of them have said sorry to me in my whole damn life. It's always been my mom forcing me to apologize to everyone else for being such a fucking lunatic at family gatherings or whatever.

But any normal person would fucking get it. A decent person wouldn't blame it all on me for being insane. A decent person wouldn't make my situation worse like they all did. I can't fucking believe that they did that when I put it into perspective. It's just too ridiculous.

"How do you feel?" Naruto asks.

"Unsure," I admit. "It's a lot to take in and I don't know if I can trust him..."

"Fair," he empathizes. "Gage things slowly. Avoid Hiro, though. But if your uncle is serious about being sorry, he won't make you ever see him or be near him."

"True..." I contemplate.

Ugh, fuck.

I don't know what to do!

Part of me wants this but the larger part of me thinks it is a joke or some new manipulation tactic.

It's not like they've ever really given me a reason to think otherwise. I still wouldn't be shocked if it turned out that my parents put him up to this just to try and keep tabs on me.

Either way, I need time to mull it over. I'll call Gaku back when I'm ready, or not at all. Hopefully he won't pester me. I don't think he would. I told him I needed some space to deal with what he was proposing and hopefully he recognizes that there's not much he could really do to try to speed that along.

"Why is everyone so hell-bent on making my life so difficult?" I mumble bitterly.

Naruto gives me a sympathetic smile. "I'm here if you need help working through it."

I mumble a thanks and then we just sit here. I still feel queasy, but less so. I sip my tea and when I'm halfway done i set it on the table. I don't want to drink any more.

My heart keeps palpitating. I can't seem to calm down. I fucking hate surprises - especially surprises like this.

I am not looking forward to how this ends up playing out because I have no faith in my family at all and I don't feel like this will end well no matter what.

Naruto pats my shoulder. "Take it easy today - we can hang out or you can sleep things off, whatever you want."

"Okay," I mumble flatly.

I guess that's that. I'll figure things out... maybe. Eventually.


	23. Chapter 23: Sasuke

**Sasuke's POV**

Being home after spending so many consecutive days at Naruto's apartment feels a little weird. It's obvious that my parents think I'm just dicking around and wasting my time.

Honestly, I kind of am just dicking around, but it seems to be exactly what I need right now.

When I'm spending time with Naruto I don't feel quite as bad. He's an annoyingly positive force in my life and he makes it so there's less free time for toxic thoughts to eat their way through my brain.

On top of that, he thinks I'm smart. He knows I'm trying my best. He compliments me almost constantly and makes me feel like I actually might be worth something.

That is what I need right now - especially after what happened in January. I need to take it easy and spend time with people who won't bring me down.

It kind of sucks being home and it is awkward and uncomfortable, but I'll live. Me and my dad don't talk much still. He barely looks at me. I think he is beyond disappointed. I don't really blame him, but at the same time I can't blame myself either. I seriously can't. I did at one point and maybe deep down I still kind of do, but it isn't doing me any good.

I deserve more, right?

I deserve to be okay.

I didn't deserve what happened to me.

I'm not a bad person. At least, not anymore. I'm trying to be better - to be nicer and more patient.

I think it's sort of working, and having supportive friends is definitely helping. Being more accepting of my sexuality is helping too, actually. I feel like I have fewer secrets to hold onto—less to feel ashamed of.

I know I haven't really told anyone I'm gay apart from Naruto, Karin, and Kiba by default, but just admitting it to myself was a huge step. I'm making an effort to live my life more honestly.

Naruto invited me over again this weekend and I told him yes. I'm trying to say yes to as many things as possible because if I don't it's going to be too easy for me to just slip back into the pattern of hiding away in my room.

I really, really, really like Naruto. I still don't know how it happened. Thinking about it worries me, though, because I don't know how he feels about me. I know he thinks I'm attractive. I know he would probably fuck me, but would he want to date me?

In the end, that's what I want. I don't want a fuck. I want something more than that.

I want to bring it up, but it's too difficult to actually say out loud. I always wait for other people to make the first move and I don't know if Naruto ever will.

Well, at least my life can't get any more fucked up than it already is. Then again, everyone who says shit like that is challenging the universe. So, knock on wood, I guess.

The difficult thing is that I keep dropping hints and they just aren't even coming close to landing. Do I just need to be more obvious? I mean, Naruto has asked me multiple times what my type is and I always try to get as close to describing him as possible. Outgoing. Spunky. Confident.

Still, he remains completely oblivious. Or maybe he just doesn't like me? I honestly have no fucking clue. That's what makes this difficult. Does he know that I'm trying to make a move and just wants to let me down gently so is choosing not to bring it up? That would be so fucking embarrassing. The last thing I want is to get rejected by the first guy I've ever wanted to date.

Maybe I should start playing it safe? Fuck, I don't know.

I hate not knowing things. I especially hate not knowing things like this.

I feel like I'm his type, though. At least, I think I am. When he describes his ideal, I feel like I fit into the box… but I guess only time will tell.

.

.

When the weekend comes, I get the expected text from Naruto telling me he's going to pick me up in a bit. I shower and get dressed in jeans and a t-shirt.

I wonder what we'll do. He didn't really say whether or not he had a specific plan or not, though I guess it doesn't matter. I'm content just leaving the house. I fucking hate being here. Things are so awkward, even with my mom. She feels bad, I can tell, but she also doesn't want to have a conversation about it until my dad is ready to forgive me for being such a disappointment.

I don't know if he'll ever forgive me, honestly. Not until I redeem myself at the very least, but I have no idea how I could swing that at this point.

Eventually, Naruto shows up and honks his horn for me to come out to the car. I grab the overnight bag I packed and join him a few moments later, smiling as I pile into the passenger seat.

"How's it going?" Naruto asks cheerfully. "Long-time no see."

"It's been a week," I laugh. "Since I saw your game."

"Yeahhh," he mumbles sheepishly, "Sorry I've been busy. Kiba needed some extra support this week so I was spending a lot of time around the house with him."

I nod. "Yeah, I kind of figured. Last Friday was crazy."

"Ugh, I know," Naruto moans.

It was dramatic. Kiba was acting like a fucking idiot out on the field. I have no idea what his problem is. He was kicked off the team, but at this point that's probably the least of his worries.

"What's his issue?" I pry.

"Family crap," Naruto explains vaguely. "His family is, like, actually insane."

"Ah," I murmur.

They probably fucked him up emotionally, kinda like my parents. Kinda like so many other parents. Naruto is lucky he's not fucked up. Or at least, he doesn't seem to be.

"I'm glad he's living with me, though," he adds in a mumble, almost like he's saying it to himself. He then adds, "His parents are stupid. I fucking hate them."

"But you two sharing an apartment has been kind of a problem, hasn't it?" I ask, not feeling very sympathetic. "I mean, he's always freaking out."

"It's not really his fault," Naruto justifies, which kind of irks me. I wish I had more detail, but it's not really my place to ask about that sort of thing. "I, like, can't be mad at him," he explains further. "Shit's crazy and it's making him crazy. He's working on it, though."

I literally can't bring myself to be understanding when I have this little information to go off of, but then again, that's probably how my parents feel in regard to my poor performance in school last semester. It's not like I'm giving them any legitimate reasoning for why that happened.

For now, I'm just going to have to force myself to trust Naruto.

It's all I really can do, isn't it?

"All right," I say with a sense of finality because I don't care to continue this conversation. I really don't. "So, what are we doing tonight?" I ask him.

"Hm…" Naruto muses aloud. "Well, we can do pretty much whatever you want."

"I'm up for whatever," I tell him. "We should go out a bit."

"Want to eat and then see where the night takes us?" he asks. "We can go to a bar or something."

"Sure," I agree.

"Want to eat out or in?"

"Let's go out somewhere," I choose.

"What are you in the mood for?"

"Uh, nothing greasy or shitty. If we're going to drink later, I want to at least feel like I ate something decent beforehand."

He chuckles at that. "All right, fair."

We end up at a ramen shop that's just down the street from a bar Naruto says he likes. He ends up ordering a big bowl with pork belly and I get spicy red miso. I offer to treat but he refuses, as per usual, and after we both finish we walk over to get a few drinks.

I've been drinking more lately, but not overdoing it as much as I used to. It's good, I think, that I can feel comfortable enough for this. I know that Naruto wouldn't let anything bad happen to me and that he'll always help me get wherever we're going safely at the end of the night.

I get a beer and Naruto gets some fruity cocktail. I glance around. It's a nice place. I've never been here before, but I guess I haven't been to most places around here. I don't get out much. Even before what happened in January, I never went out. Just to stupid frat parties and that was just to get drunk and to fuck. Now the last thing on my mind is sex.

"Whatcha thinkin' about?" Naruto asks.

"Nothing in particular," I say. "I was just thinking about the fact that I never used to get out that much."

"You partied a lot," he points out.

"Yeah and that's about it," I retort.

"Huh," Naruto snorts. "For some reason I just kind of assumed you did. You've just always been so popular. Everyone was always so thrilled in high school if you showed up to their party."

"I guess," I shrug, taking a swig of my beer. "I don't know. I like my alone time. Besides, I always just ended up feeling uncomfortable if I went out and wasn't smashed."

"Why's that?" He questions.

"I don't know," I say, sitting with my answer for a moment. "Probably because I'm gay. I felt weird about that. I didn't want anyone to figure it out and going to a party meant risking that. If I was sober I always felt like everyone was watching me."

"Why'd you feel weird about it?" he pries.

"I felt like it wasn't normal," I say simply. "I mean, my parents never talked to me about that kind of thing, so I just didn't know. All I knew is that the 'normal' thing was to be with a girl and I had no interest in that, therefore I wasn't normal."

Naruto frowns at that. "Huh… Yeah, I guess that makes sense. That's shitty. Sorry, man. I'm glad you seem to be coming to terms with it, though."

"It just… isn't my worst secret anymore," I say with a bitter laugh. "Lying is a lot of work. When something worse came along, I felt like I had to let that secret go."

"Oh," Naruto says, pursing his lips. It's obvious he wants me to tell him more but I have no intention of doing that. When I don't say anything further, he seems to move on. "But your parents still don't know you're gay, right?" he asks.

"No," I shake my head, "I might tell them if they asked…but there's no reason it would really come up. My dad's still barely speaking to me, so a conversation with him about my sexuality is the last thing I want to deal with."

Naruto nods knowingly. "That makes sense," he comments, "I haven't told any of my family either. I know they'd be fine with it, but I just really haven't had the chance."

Suddenly I wonder if Naruto would be bothered by the fact that I told his cousin.

"I hope you don't mind," I confess, "Karin and I kind of had a conversation about that."

Naruto barks out a laugh, "About how I like guys?"

"Not exactly that," I mumble, "like, the fact that we hooked up."

He snorts. "That's fine. I guess I should give her a call so she doesn't ask why I wasn't the first one to tell her."

"Sorry," I add.

He shrugs, not seeming all that bothered. "I don't really mind. It's cool."

"Still, I shouldn't go around telling other peoples' secrets," I argue.

"Well, we were both involved so you have the right to tell people if you want," he argues back and I guess he is right about that.

"Fair," I murmur.

We order another round of drinks after finishing the ones we started with. I'm glad we are taking our time and not knocking them back like we're TRYING to get trashed.

As we get deeper into our cocktails, Naruto starts to stare wistfully at the bottom of his glass.

"I think Karin and Sakura are screwing," he tells me suddenly, "or if they aren't they will be soon."

"Oh," I respond, remembering that he and Sakura dated for the majority of high school. "Does that bother you?"

"Like half a year ago it really would have," Naruto admits with a shrug. "I mean, I really liked Sakura. When she dumped me I didn't know if I'd ever really want to date someone again. I realize now that was silly of me. I feel like I'm probably ready again."

Now that's something. Is he bringing being ready to date on purpose?

"I don't think they're together now if it makes you feel better," I say, furthering the conversation. "I know Karin would tell me if they were."

He nods slowly. "All right… I hope they'll tell me if it does happen. I mean, they're my friends and I have a history with Sakura… I feel like they should tell me. I mean, I guess I'm keeping my own secrets, but it's not like I'm doing it in purpose. I just haven't really had time to hang around the two of them much lately."

"Yeah," I murmur. "Well, if Karin ever mentions it to me I'll tell her to let you in on it."

He snorts. "Okay, deal."

"Got your eye on anyone new, then?" I pry.

Am I being too persistent? I hope not.

"Dunno yet," he says with a little laugh. "I might."

Ugh! I wish he would just be direct if that's what he's trying to do. I already told him I like guys who make the first move because it's too much pressure for me to do it myself.

I really want to know if he means me. I'd ask him straight up if I didn't think I'd die of shame on the chance I'm rejected. I've tried being sly but it just doesn't seem to be getting through to him.

I can't help but think about the last time we were in this position. I had to take the first step then, too. Naruto responded well, but that was just to a proposal to hook up. He's given me pretty much no reason to believe he'd be ready to commit to me.

Maybe it'll be easier if I have a few more drinks. I'm not going to get trashed; I just need to feel less awkward. That sounds stupid as hell. I sound so insecure, for fuck's sake, it's pathetic.

I nod slowly and then he gives me this funny smile. "What about you, then? You never dated anyone, right?"

"No," I confirm.

"Got your eye on a guy?"

"No," I lie and then I want to hit myself. If I say that, he might just right me off immediately. So, instead, I add, "Well, I don't know. Maybe."

If he's going to be difficult, then so am I.

God, this is so annoying.

I stare into my nearly-finished drink and then peer over at him. He still has a funny smile on. Maybe he isn't totally oblivious? Maybe he knows exactly what is going through my head? GOD, that would be humiliating. I hope that's not the case.

"What?" I ask sharply, not meaning to sound so pissed off.

He presses his lips together, stifling his smile. Then he breaks and starts chuckling. "Nothing. You're cute, yah know that?"

Oh, for fuck's sake. He totally knows.

What do I do now?

If he knows, why is he being such a dick? Does he think it's funny? Does he think it's fucking hilarious that of ALL the people I could end up falling for it had to be him?

Or maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions. Maybe he's just being drunk and stupid.

"Thanks…" I mumble sheepishly. Should I compliment him back? Should I try to say something flirty? "You, too," I add after a moment.

"Not as cute as you," he insists, "no wonder you have to beat the girls off with a stick."

Jesus Christ. I can feel my face getting hot. I feel so obvious right now. It's embarrassing.

"Don't act like people don't like you," I remind him, trying to steer the conversation away from myself, "Did you forget about Shion?"

Naruto chuckles. "That was just a lucky night for me—or unlucky—depending on how you look at it."

"Did you ever get that sorted out?" I decide to ask.

"Not exactly," Naruto shrugs, "It felt too awkward to call her right after. Hinata is in one of my classes and we kind of chatted about it but I didn't feel any better."

"Yeah," I murmur. "Well, I doubt she blames you. She's understanding of people."

"I kinda want Kiba to talk to her," Naruto adds with a frown, "but I doubt he will."

"He might," I say with a shrug.

Naruto seems unconvinced. "Dunno. I just fear for him… He does some stupid shit. He says some stupid shit, too…"

"Yeah…" I respond, not quite sure what else to say. I have no idea what Kiba's issues are and I know that Naruto can't tell me. "Do you think he'd, like, try to hurt himself?"

Naruto's frown deepens. "I don't know…"

I don't really want to talk about Kiba, though. Naruto always gets so dreary and I'm not looking to put him in a bad mood.

Sometimes I try to put myself in his shoes by imagining how I would deal with it if Karin acted that way. The problem is, I literally can't see myself putting up with it. I'm not empathetic enough, but Naruto is one of the most empathetic people I know. Maybe that's why I like him so much. He has all these qualities that I admire.

There's definitely more to it than Kiba just being moody. I'M moody, I'M antisocial, and I've ALWAYS been that way. Kiba isn't like that. He's best friends with Naruto for god's sake. All these behaviors are just now starting to surface, and it's clear that whatever the fuck is going on with him is totally something else.

It's not my problem, though. I doubt I'll ever find out, so I'm not allowing myself to get curious over what it may be.

It's still weird as hell to me that they slept together… and they did it more than once. I couldn't picture it in my head, even if I wanted to… which I definitely don't. I feel jealous in a sense, but it's not something that bothers me because I've known about it for so long – long before I developed any sort of feeling for Naruto.

"Anyway," Naruto continues, clapping his hands together decidedly, "let's not talk about Kiba. Tonight isn't about him."

"All right," I say, glad I didn't have to get too pushy for him to change the subject.

We order a few more drinks and I start to feel a little tipsy. It's surprising since usually my tolerance is higher, but I guess the dinner I had was sort of light.

"Are you going to be able to drive us home?" I ask Naruto as the bartender serves him what is now his fourth cocktail.

"I'll get us a cab." He smiles, looking unconcerned. "It's not a problem for me to come back and get my car in the morning, so don't worry."

With that, I'm convinced. Naruto'll take care of it. He'll get us where we need to go and he'll do it safely.

"You sure are a planner," he jokes.

"I have to be," I tell him. "No one else is going to do it for me."

"Well, I'll take care of things," he assures. "When you're with me, you don't need to worry about the little stuff. I'd never screw you over. So, trust me."

"I do," I admit to him.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," I insist.

He smiles again. "Well, good. I'm glad to hear that."

As silly as it sounds, I feel all warm and fuzzy when he smiles at me. It's like there's something in that look that I'm not used to seeing – something I missed out on.

"So…" he starts, "Tell me about this guy you may or may not like."

"What do you wanna know?" I ask him.

His smile widens and he looks humoured, like we're playing a game. "He gonna treat you right?"

"Yeah, I think so," I respond.

"He'd better," Naruto comments, showing me a clenched fist. "If he doesn't I'll have to beat him up."

I smirk. "Thanks, but I think I can handle myself."

Honestly though, I'd probably welcome it. If Naruto breaks my heart he can beat himself up all he wants.

"What about this," he continues, "is he handsome enough for you?"

"That's subjective," I laugh. "You'd probably think he was handsome."

He waggles his eyebrows and takes another sip of his drink. "He your type?"

Naruto is seriously pressing his luck, but for some reason I keep taking the bait. This all feels like it's part of some big convoluted game for him to figure out how I'm feeling without having to put himself out there.

"Close enough," I say, only half joking, "He's kind of making me work for it, though."

"Aw," Naruto coos. "Maybe he just wants to make sure you're both ready to take the next step."

"Dunno," I say.

"Well, I approve," Naruto continues. "He sounds fuckin' awesome."

"Eh, he's all right," I say with a false sense of apathy.

"I bet he's great in the sack!"

I roll my eyes at him. "Or not."

Naruto laughs at that. "So, when did you begin to develop feelings for this guy?"

"A while ago," I tell him vaguely.

"Why haven't you said anything?"

I shrug. "Maybe I'm worried it's too one-sided."

"It's not," Naruto says in a more serious tone. I guess the game is over and we're finally cutting to the chase.

I need to just get this over with.

Do it.

Tell him.

"It's you," I say flatly, taking the leap.

Naruto's face goes through a range of emotions but surprise is not one of them. He looks happy, then confused, then concerned.

"Right," he says after a moment, sounding kind of lackluster.

"Um," I wring my hands uncomfortably. For some reason I expected him to be much, much more excited. Did I misread our entire relationship?

I must look disheartened, because Naruto immediately starts explaining myself. "I thought you might," he says, keeping a steady, pensive tone, "and I mean, I like you, too. I just have some things I'm worried about."

Great. This is going the exact opposite of how I wanted it to go.

"Like what…?" I ask, feeling incredibly self-conscious.

"I feel like you're keeping a lot of secrets," he says. Before I can protest he adds, "And I mean, I get why you might not want to tell a new friend your entire life story and all your deep, dark secrets… but I feel like, to date someone, they need to know things about you. I mean, I WANT to know these things. I want to know what made you who you are. I want to know the good and the bad."

"Oh," is all I can muster up.

"And you seem to fucking hate yourself sometimes," he continues. "I don't get why. I mean, you seem to have such little regard and respect for yourself and it's hard to see you getting so down on yourself. I know it's not about me, but if you're suffering I want you to know that I'm here and I want to help you through it in any way I can."

"Okay," I mumble.

I feel like crying because I'm drunk and he's upsetting me, but I don't. I keep it in and maybe this is exactly what he's talking about. I keep everything in.

"I mean, are you really okay with being gay?" he adds, questioning me. "You said the only reason you told people is because it's no longer your worst secret, right? Well, that's not a good reason. It's sad, Sasuke. If we were to date, I'd want people to know and I wouldn't want you being so uncomfortable with the fact that people know. I'd want to hold your hand and not have you stressing out over people seeing us."

This sucks. Everything he's saying hurts to hear. It hurts unbelievably. I think it mostly hurts because I know he's right and he is making all these valid points and it's like having him throw my flaws in my face.

He sighs deeply. "It's just concerning. I feel like you've been having a tough time lately."

I guess I have been, but I felt like I'd been doing better lately. It's kind of painful to find out that it isn't coming off that way. I must seem like I'm just as fucked up as before.

"I know you don't like talking about this—" he glances off the side, like he's trying to gauge where he wants to take this, "—and I've been trying to humor you and all when you say it wasn't a big deal, but that shit back in January? I mean, it's pretty obvious that's when everything tanked for you. You won't tell me what's up with that and it even INVOLVED me. I worried about it for months, you know?"

I feel my throat seize up. That's what he wants to talk about? I'm nowhere near mentally capable of that right now.

"I really, really like you," he continues, looking kind of sad, "But I already have one person in my life who won't tell me anything. I don't think I could handle more of that."

That stings. A lot. Before I can even try to respond, my eyes glaze over and the first tear slips out against my will.

Naruto looks sympathetic. He scoots his seat closer to mine and then puts his hands on my shoulders, rubbing up and down. "I'm not saying it to hurt you…" he says gently. "I'm saying it because I feel like we have potential."

I let out a shuddery breath, glancing away. "I thought I was doing better lately," I tell him wetly. I sniffle and then let out a sharp laugh that sounds more like a sob. "I felt like I was, but I guess not."

It makes me feel burdensome. Does he have fun with me AT ALL? Or am I just annoying him?

I glance around the bar. A few people are staring and that makes me feel even stupider. "WHAT?" I snap and they promptly glance away.

"Hey," Naruto says somewhat teasingly, "Let's get out of here before you start a fight or something."

I nod and he pulls out his phone to call a cab. Even after he hangs up I stay silent. I don't really have much else to say. I feel like utter crap and don't have the emotional capacity to deal with this sort of confrontation.

It's one thing for someone to just not like me, but for them to like me and still feel like I'm too much of a pain makes me feel seriously hopeless.

Naruto doesn't press me to talk, but he doesn't apologize either. He must feel pretty justified in what he said.

Finally, the cab driver calls to let us know they're waiting, and Naruto softly takes my arm to lead me outside.

We get into the backseat. Naruto chats with the driver like they're best pals and I stay quiet. I'm still kind of crying. I can't seem to stop. Every time I get close, I realize why I was crying and it starts me all over again.

It makes me feel like I'll never be able to have a relationship. I'm too dysfunctional. I'm too closed off. I understand how he feels, but I can't just change overnight. I thought he accepted that, but I guess not.

I sniffle, trying to be quiet. I really don't want the taxi driver to know I'm crying. It's dim enough that he probably has no idea. Even Naruto seems to have forgotten.

I swipe at my eyes, feeling angry with myself. I kind of want to go home, but I don't think Naruto would let me. Not like this. Plus, he knows what happened last time I returned home drunk.

God, I'm humiliated. I haven't been this humiliated since January.

When we finally get back to the apartment, Naruto gives the driver a cash tip and tells him he hopes he has a good night. Then we head upstairs and I keep my head low.

Naruto unlocks the front door and we head inside, kicking off our shoes in the entryway. I spot Kiba laying on the couch using his laptop, and as I move through the room he sits up and makes eye contact with me.

It seems like maybe he wanted to make a snappy comment about me being there, but stops himself. I'm sure it's obvious that I've been crying. God this is so fucking embarrassing. I scowl and sharply shrug my shoulders at him, silently asking what he's looking at. After warily looking me up and down he turns back to whatever he was doing.

Fuck, this is the worst. I feel like Naruto would feel bad if he knew the reason behind all of this, but he doesn't. He doesn't because I won't say it. I can't. I absolutely can't. I couldn't even say it to Karin. I just told her some vague sentiment and she put two and two together. I told her I was the one who 'got fucked' and she knew what that meant. With Naruto, I would probably have to spell things out. I'd have to say I got myself fucking raped for god-knows-what reason. The R-word. I can't say it out loud – not when I'm talking about myself. It's too fucking shameful. I feel like any progress I THOUGHT I made is totally gone now. I've taken about fifty steps backwards tonight because I can't handle criticism.

Maybe I should call Itachi? I know he'd come and get me, especially if I sound upset enough on the phone.

Naruto puts a hand on my shoulder and leads me into his room.

"Should I go?" I ask him. "I'll call my brother… He can come get me."

"Huh?" Naruto questions, looking surprised that I'd even contemplate leaving. I guess we're really not on the same page at all right now. "No… Why would you do that? We have a lot to talk about still."

"I'm really not in the mood to have all the things I hate about myself thrown in my face anymore," I say tersely.

He twists his mouth and looks contemplative. "They're not things you should hate about yourself. They're definitely not things I hate about you. I don't want you to think that. I don't hate anything about you."

"I don't know what to think," I admit. "It's just hard not to hate the shit that makes me pretty much undateable."

Naruto looks taken aback. "I didn't say I didn't want to date you," he insists. "I never said that. I said I had concerns."

"Isn't that the same thing?" I ask bitterly.

"No," he says sharply. "Don't put words in my mouth. Ask me what I mean."

I should feel relieved but I don't. Dating him is what I want but now I'm just getting a lecture that's going to lead to an even deeper conversation that I'm not ready to have.

GOD, I want to pull my fucking hair out. This is so frustrating. I feel so tense and restless and anxious. I want to fucking punch myself in the face.

For a while, I don't say anything. I don't want to. So, we're both quiet. Naruto takes his jeans off and puts on a pair of sweatpants. He doesn't bother changing his t-shirt. I stare at the floor, feeling too uncomfortable. I grab my bag and go to the bathroom. I change into my night clothes, wash my face, brush my teeth, then stand in front of the mirror staring at myself. I look disgusting. My face is still flushed. I hate when you've been crying and it takes forever for the evidence to go away.

I leave the bathroom after a few more minutes of criticizing my physicality. Back in Naruto's room, he's sitting on the bed. He looks expectant.

I set my bag on the floor against the wall and say, "What?"

"Let's talk," he decides. "Or do you not want to?"

"I don't want to," I tell him.

"You never fucking want to!" he exclaims. "It'll inevitably put a strain on our relationship, Sasuke. Especially if our relationship is going to turn romantic. I want to deal with this shit sooner rather than later!"

"Why the hell do I have to tell you everything NOW?" I shout back. "Why can't I tell you when I'm ready!"

"I explained already!" Naruto hisses, his voice turning to a whisper. "It's too easy for people to put that shit off until it blows up and fucks them over! If we're going to date then I don't want that to happen to our relationship!"

This is so frustrating. I just want him to let me be and I'll tell him if and when it ever feels appropriate.

"I just don't understand why it has to be such a big deal," I murmur, although deep down I do actually see where he's coming from. I just don't want to think about it.

"Look," Naruto continues, getting even quieter, "All I'm saying is that I already deal with this shit with Kiba. Every time something is wrong I have to drag it out of him while he's kicking and screaming and I absolutely cannot have it be that way with you. Us dating will not work."

I let out a loud, whiney groan. "I don't wanna talk about it!"

"Fine," he mutters. "Go to bed, then, but you better believe we'll be talking in the morning."

With that, he leaves the room, closing the door behind himself. I sit on the edge of his bed, feeling like total crap.

I hear voices some moments later. I guess Naruto is going to be spending the rest of the night with Kiba. I can understand why. I'm being really difficult tonight.

I lie down and close my eyes, trying not to start crying again.

This sucks.

.

.

I guess I fell asleep at some point, though I barely remember feeling tired enough to do so. I glance at the clock on the nightstand. It's noon.

Jeez. It's been a long time since I've slept in this late.

I roll out of bed and wander out to the living room. When I get out there, I spot Naruto shuffling around in the kitchen making what looks like a sandwich.

"Hey, good morning!" he comments when he sees me, sounding cheerier than I expected.

"Morning," I mutter, moving across the room to him. "Uh, did you sleep out here last night?"

Naruto chuckles. "Nah, I came in probably around one or two but you were totally passed out. Then this morning you were still out like a light and I didn't want to disturb you. You must have been really exhausted."

Yeah, crying does that to me.

When I don't respond, he adds, "I think the alcohol took a bigger toll on you than it did on me."

I guess he's not going to mention that I spend most of the night crying on and off. Well, good.

"I don't drink that much these days," I admit.

I don't want to talk about the things from last night, but I know he's going to want to. I glance around to make sure Kiba isn't around. I think Naruto has enough tact not to talk about that shit around Kiba, though. Or at least I hope he does.

I sit at the kitchen table and he asks, "Want some food? You could probably use some."

"I feel queasy," I admit.

"Want some orange juice or something instead?" he offers.

"Sure," I mumble.

He pours me a glass and then finishes making his sandwich. When he is done, he puts it on a plate and sits across from me.

"I'm sorry I upset you so much last night," he says. "I didn't think that what I said would pull out such an emotional response from you."

"I'm hardly as tough as everyone seems to think I am," I inform him.

Naruto gives me a lopsided look which tells me he's still thinking about how to approach this. He probably doesn't want to set me off again and I guess I don't blame him. Even I know that I become impossible to deal with.

He takes a few bites of his sandwich and chews, still deep in thought. When he finishes the first half he stares me down and says, "Look, I was thinking—"

Ugh. Here it comes. I'm about to be so let down. I can feel it.

"I do want to date you," he tells me, and it comes as a surprise, "but if we're going to do that I need you to work on being open with me and with yourself. It's the only way this can work out."

"Okay…" I say after a minute. "I will."

"Promise?" he asks.

"Yes, I promise. I'll try harder."

He nods, looking satisfied. "All right," he agrees. He then smiles and says, "I'll take you out on an official date tonight if your hangover goes away. If not, then we'll do something tomorrow."

I smile somewhat wearily. "Okay, deal."

It makes me anxious as fuck, but I mean it when I say I'll work on being more open. I have to. Otherwise, he's right. This won't work. Things will get worse and worse and I'll never be okay.

I don't want to fuck this up.


	24. Chapter 24: Naruto

**Naruto's POV**

Sasuke and I have been together for two weeks and so far, it's honestly been pretty good.

Even so, I still don't feel like I was being too harsh when I brought up all of my concerns. I meant it when I said I couldn't handle have another important person in my life who actively keeps everything from me. It drives me crazy with worry and I would never be able to focus on anything else.

We still haven't explicitly told anyone that we're dating, but it's so new that it feels like we might jinx it if we spread the word around too quickly. I really ought to fill Kiba in, but I haven't had the right opportunity.

Kiba has been working a lot. I think it's good for him. It gives him something to do during the day so he isn't alone with his thoughts too much.

He hasn't spoken to his uncle since. I know he's been thinking about it, though. He's been thinking about it a lot, but I'm glad he's not rushing into anything. He needs to be careful.

Sasuke and I have been going out on dates. He's been in a pretty good mood lately, which is nice to see. He's been talking to me, too – not about anything outlandishly important, but if I ask him what's wrong he'll tell me instead of brushing me off the way he used to. He said he might try to find part-time work. I told him I supported that idea. I think a couple shifts a week would probably do him good, especially while he's taking a break from school.

I wonder if he'll come back. Part of me doubts it, but another part of me thinks he might force himself to come back even if he doesn't really want to.

Today after classes we made a plan for me to pick him up and for him to stay over. It's the middle of the week, but Sasuke is pretty understanding of the fact that I need to be in bed by a specific time. When he was in school he held himself to a pretty strict schedule so he's happy to help me keep mine.

Around 3:30 I finish up my politics class and head over to his house. When I arrive I shoot him a text to let him know that I'm there and a few minutes later he appears out the front door.

"Hey!" I greet him as he slides into the car next to me, "How's it going?"

"Fine," he tells me, but it sounds kind of lackluster.

"You good?" I ask.

"My dad is being kind of…" he pauses, seeming thoughtful. "A dick?"

I let out a laugh. "What did he do?"

His dad is a real piece of work. I haven't met him yet, but I want to. I want to meet his whole family. I don't know when he'll be ready to introduce them to a boyfriend yet, though.

"It feels like he wants me to be miserable," he explains. "Like, if he catches me smiling he'll say something like, 'Oh, what're you smiling at? Your failed grades?' He keeps making comments like that. It's just… It sucks."

That's so disheartening. I want to punch his dad in the face.

I scoff. "Your dad needs to chill out."

"He makes me feel like I shouldn't feel anything good because I disappointed him so much." A pause. "And I honestly get it. I do. When he sees me he sees wasted potential. No parent wants to see their kid fail."

"You're not a failure, though…" I attempt to reason.

Sasuke sighs. "I mean, yeah, I kind of am. In that sense at least."

I feel like this would be a good opportunity for us to have a serious conversation about his family. I want to know more about his father and the sort of shit he does. Up until now, I've heard very little and it's all incredibly negative.

"He really gives you a hard time, huh?" I comment, trying to weasel my way to the topic, "Has it always been like this?"

Sasuke gives me a funny look. I think he probably knows what I'm doing.

"Pretty much," he tells me after a moment. "Itachi's almost seven years older than me, so he was already impressing the hell out of my dad by the time I could walk."

I nod my head, urging him to continue.

"Itachi is a genius," he adds. "For real. He even skipped a few grades. I didn't. I am of average intellect."

"I think you're smarter than average," I say.

"Only because I studied so damn hard," he murmurs. "It didn't come naturally like it did for Itachi. He studied, but it isn't like he even had to. He remembers everything he reads and sees and hears."

"Sounds hard to follow..." I sympathize.

"It was impossible," Sasuke admits. "I couldn't do it and I don't think my mom really cared, but my dad did. He expected me to be like a second Itachi, but I'm not. He's never told me he was proud of me. I used to fucking earn for him to tell me that. He'd always say it to Itachi. He'd talk about how proud he was and he'd say, 'As expected from my son.' Those words were reserved only for Itachi, I guess."

I twist my face into a look of disdain. "That's messed up," I comment. "It's like he was trying to pit you two against one another."

"Maybe," Sasuke replies, "I kind of think he just cares so little about me that he says whatever the fuck he wants, like he was complimenting Itachi, not specifically insulting me."

Ugh, that sucks to hear. It's miserable that his dad makes him feel so low about himself.

"It might be good for you to consider some job options other than working in your family's business," I suggest, although I know it's not what Sasuke wants to be told. "I can't imagine you enjoying spending your whole life as essentially your dad's employee."

"Partner," he corrects me, "when you join a law firm you become a partner, and besides, I don't really think I have an option."

"Sure you do..." I attempt.

He sighs and shrugs. "Not really. This is my only option unless I want my dad to literally disown me."

I frown at that. Jeez. I guess he feels like he is in a bind.

"What will you do, then?" I ask.

He looks thoughtful for a moment. "I need to get a job for now and then go back to school next year and make sure I have all of my shit together by then. I need to make it up to my parents so they know I'm not throwing my life away."

"Yeah," I mumble, feeling sorry as hell for him.

He does have other options. He just doesn't feel like he is allowed to consider them.

The whole situation is seriously disheartening. It makes me wonder where I would be if I had parents who pushed me into following in their footsteps or whatever. My mom was a homemaker but my dad was a local government official. I can't see myself really doing anything in politics, especially now that I'm taking that shitty intro class. It's just so fucking boring—maybe even worse than business.

"It's fine," Sasuke declares, although he sounds more like he's saying that because he needs to hear it, not because he really believes it.

"Yeah," I confirm, "You'll be okay."

I care a lot about Sasuke. It's hard to watch him pigeonhole himself like this.

"I guess," he murmurs.

We end up going back to my place. We cook together and then we watch some TV after eating. Kiba isn't around today. He might be working. He might just be at school studying. He doesn't like hanging around when Sasuke here. I don't know if it's purely because he doesn't like him or if he thinks it'll be awkward when we sleep together.

I flick through channels until we settle on some history documentary Sasuke seems interested in. It's totally dull, but I don't mind. He tells me facts every so often, extrapolating on what the documentary is saying. It's kind of nice to see him like this, though.

Sasuke really is super fucking smart. I'm lucky he would take interest in someone like me because I'm a total numskull when it comes to academics. I don't mean it in a self-depreciative way, it's just the truth.

I wonder if he'd do well in the history department at our school. Honestly, he would probably excel no matter where he put his focus.

I really do wish I could jump into this willy-nilly because I am seriously attracted to him, but the issues he's going through right now are too much to try and ignore and I don't want to hurt him is this doesn't end up working out. I don't like to think too negatively about things, but it's a very real possibility.

I put an arm around him. He shifts closer, but keeps his attention towards the television. He likes stuff like this. I just find it boring, but I don't mind sitting through a few documentaries a week – especially not if he finds so much joy in it.

"Where do you learn all of this stuff?" I ask after Sasuke tells me a few more facts.

"In books, articles, journals, on the news," he says with a shrug.

"Well, you seem to have a pretty good memory," I point out.

"Not as good as Itachi's," he murmurs. "He literally remembers everything. I only remember things that interest me enough."

So, we're back onto that again?

"Well, you're not him," I say.

"I know," he adds, "but it's hard not to compare myself to him when my parents have been doing it for my whole life."

"Yeah," I sympathize.

"I should try to stop," he muses. He then shrugs it off and reverts his attention to the television. I stare at him for a few minutes.

"You've got a cute boyfriend don't you?" I smirk, trying to lighten the mood a bit. "Where's Itachi's cute boyfriend?"

Sasuke snorts. "That's true," he murmurs, "Itachi's like, too busy to date. Even my parents hardly have time for one another."

It's not a permanent fix, but if it makes him feel even a little bit better then I'll point out every good thing in his whole damn life.

"See! That would be so shitty!" I point out with a wink. "You wouldn't have time to date me and we wouldn't want that, now would we?"

He nestles his head into my shoulder and somewhat more lightly replies, "I guess not."

I hope he resolves some of the shit going on in his life soon. I want things to get easier for him, but I know they won't until he's ready to actually deal with some of the shit.

Secrets are hard to keep and I know he's keeping some. They must be pretty big ones, too, because I can see how much they are weighing him down.

"Want tea or something?" I ask after the documentary is over. "It's late, so I can put on something herbal."

"Sure," he agrees. "What kind do you have?"

"Peppermint, ginger or apple cinnamon?" I offer.

"Peppermint sounds nice," he says.

I nod and tell him I'll be right back before heading into the kitchen. I boil some water and get two mugs – one for him and one for me. As the water steeps I pour two cups. His is peppermint and mine is apple cinnamon.

I return to the living room handing him the cup. He nods his thanks and blows on the steam.

As the tea cools and he begins to sip it, I watch him.

It's crazy. This is never a place I expected to be in. I wish I hadn't fucked up that night during pride. I'm honestly so disappointed in myself.

We've kept these first few weeks of our relationship pretty tame, but not really for any defined reason. Personally, I've been trying to find the right moment to put myself out there so that I won't scare Sasuke away. It's more for his benefit than my own though, because as douchey as it may sound I know that he has more invested in this than I do. If things didn't work out between us I would be fine, but I think he would take it harder.

I care about him a lot, so I want to be careful. Even if our relationship disintegrated, I'd want to remain his friend. I don't know if he'd want that, though. He takes things hard. I still don't know why he's like this. I mean, maybe a lot of it is because of the way his parents raised him, but there is definitely more to the story. I hope he'll tell me these things someday.

We sip on our tea, flicking through channels and trying to find something half decent to watch. Sasuke puts on another documentary – this time, it's about sea life. Lots of turtles. I get bored. I decide to make a move on him. At first, we kiss and it's nice, but then I reach for the button on his jeans and he stops, pushing my hand away and then moving back. "Uh…" he starts. "I'm…"

"You're not ready," I say, reading him. "It's okay."

I'm surprised, though. I'm surprised because he has never taken it slow with anyone before. But maybe it means something that he wants to with me.

It's just that he seemed so ready to hook up that very first time at the bar, and even though months have passed we haven't even gotten close to that again. To be fair, we were both wasted when that happened, but drunk actions are sober thoughts, right?

I guess at that point though he may not have thought he'd want to pursue a relationship with me. After all, he did tell me that he uses sex to get to know people.

Sasuke repositions himself on the couch and leans back into me. "Sorry," he mumbles.

"It's really fine," I insist. This isn't something I want him feeling guilty about. It's no big deal.

"I just…" he pauses, trailing off for a few minutes. He looks like he's contemplating what to say or maybe how to say it. "I want to take things slow… and I know I used to be a huge whore and sleep with everyone, but I don't want to use sex to connect with people anymore. I want to connect with you in different ways... You know?"

I nod. "I get it… and I'm glad."

He sighs and nods. "All right. Thanks."

"Deeper connections will definitely help ensure a better functioning relationship," I add.

He nods again. "And that's what I want. I've never been in a relationship before, so I want to try and do things right."

"I think we are," I say.

At least, I feel like we are. I can sense how hard he's trying.

"Thanks for being understanding." Sasuke extends a hand to my knee that I take up in my palm.

"Of course," I tell him nonchalantly. "Let's just take it easy, okay? I don't have any homework I have to do until later tonight so it's fine if we just hang out."

"Take it easy," he echoes. "Sounds good."

His voice sounds hollow and I can tell he still feels bad, which he really shouldn't. I'm not trying to guilt him into having sex with me. We can wait as long as he wants. It's not like I have no self-control. When Sakura and I broke up my dry spell lasted for, like, months.

"Stop worrying about it," I say forcefully.

"Okay," he responds.

We spend the rest of the night chilling out, watching more documentaries. Kiba returns back a little before ten. He nods a greeting at me and then disappears into his room without a word. I should try to talk to him about me and Sasuke. I'd really like for them to get along. Things get so out of control when they fight and I get so stressed out over it.

But I guess that's just how they are. I don't really think I can change it. Kiba is too spiteful and Sasuke just doesn't care.

.

.

Some days later, I decide to talk things out with Kiba and ask him if me dating Sasuke bothers him. It's a Wednesday and classes are finished and neither of us has anything else to do for the rest of the night. So, it's the perfect time to hash some of these things out.

"Hey," I say, sitting with him in the living room.

"Hey," he echoes, playing around with his phone.

"Wanna talk?"

He glances up at me. "About…?"

"Sasuke and I are dating—" I tell him point-blank, "—it just started recently. I was waiting to see if it lasted before I told you."

Kiba gives me a dull look but doesn't seem surprised. "Good for you," he drones.

"I wanted to see how you felt about that," I state somewhat cautiously, "since I know you don't like Sasuke I wanted to know if it bothered you."

"Does it matter if it bothers me?" Kiba rolls his eyes and I can already tell that this is going to be an issue.

Frankly, no, it doesn't matter if it bugs him. I'm going to do what I'm going to do either way, but it'd be nice to have his blessing or something.

"It has nothing to do with me," he adds simply. "I hate the guy, sure, but if he makes you happy then who cares what I think? It's not about me."

He sounds bitter as hell, but everything he's saying is true. Maybe that's why he sounds bitter – because he wishes it wasn't true.

"Did he put out?" Kiba asks with a snort. "He seems easy."

"Well, no…" I say. "That's not why I'm dating him."

"Sure," he responds, not believing me. "Half of what you talk about is how hot he is," he continues, "and, sure, it's true. He's attractive, but his personality sucks."

"No, it doesn't," I argue somewhat weakly. There isn't really anything I can say to make Kiba see Sasuke the way I see him. They refuse to get to know one another. "I wish you two would spend some time together," I add after a moment. "It would be nice if we could all hang out together."

Kiba scoffs. "Yeah, well, sorry. I don't exactly have the free time to spend on someone I already know is an asshole. Not all of us are college dropouts."

That makes me mad because he's completely skewing the situation. Sasuke isn't a dropout, he's taking time off for what's pretty obviously a mental health issue and if anyone should be sympathetic to that it's Kiba.

"Sasuke's just on a leave of absence," I correct him bitterly, "and he's not an asshole. Besides, you two aren't that different. You could probably relate on a lot of things."

Kiba scoffs loudly at that. "Doubt it."

"Stop shit-talking him," I add. "It bothers me and, quite frankly, you don't know ANYTHING about who he is. People change. Sasuke has changed a lot since we were kids. We were all assholes at that age, so you need to get over yourself."

Kiba sneers. "I don't give a fuck if he's changed. I'm not going to be his friend. So, sorry. I am not interested at all."

"Why?!" I practically shout.

He laughs, probably finding it funny that I'm getting so riled up. Maybe it's his intention. "Because I don't fucking want to! Damn."

JEEZ! He's driving me crazy right now! I feel like I'm seconds away from punching him out.

I don't want to keep fighting about this, but I just can't seem to let it go. This whole thing is going on and on and on and I just fucking want it to end.

"Well, can you at least stop trash-talking him when you don't even know him?" I bargain, hoping I can get at least something out of this conversation.

"Whatever!" Kiba snarls. "Don't act like the second you two are alone he isn't doing the exact same thing!"

"He isn't!" I insist, "Sasuke knows you're my best friend so, I don't know, he actually kind of cares about how you're doing!" I cross my arms and scowl, "—the least you could do is offer him the same courtesy!"

Kiba rolls his eyes, clearly feeling doubt. "I really don't think Sasuke gives a fuck about me at all."

"For fuck's sake," I mutter to myself. "You know what? Fine! Be a dick. Does it make you feel better about yourself or something?"

Kiba doesn't reply. He continues playing with his phone. I want to grab it from him and chuck it into the wall, but I don't.

"You're seriously such a dick," I say. "Can you at least pay attention when we're having a conversation? You're being rude."

"This is stupid, though!" Kiba whines. "I don't get why any of this matters? Me and that dickweed don't need to get along because we literally never spend time together so it's pointless to even be arguing over it!"

I should have known it would escalate to this. I don't know why I thought I could have a reasonable conversation with him. This is how it always goes—we yell at each other, he cries, and I end up dropping it like it never even happened. I still haven't gotten a straight answer out of him about what the fuck went down at our soccer game.

"I never get to spend time with you either, though!" I exclaim, "I don't like feeling like I'm choosing between you two every time I hang out with just one of you!"

"Then don't!" he snarls. "Stop bringing him around here every fucking day and then we can actually spend some time together!"

This is so fucking dumb. I can't believe how difficult he is being.

"He's my fucking boyfriend!" I exclaim. "I want to spend time with him!"

"Then stop whining," he retorts.

I let out an exasperated groan. "But I want to spend time with you, too, you idiot! You're my best friend and it's annoying that my best friend and my boyfriend fucking hate each other." I pause and then add, "Actually, you know what, Sasuke isn't even the problem. It's just you. You're the one who refuses to fucking try!"

He scoffs and rolls his eyes and then mimics me childishly. "What-fucking-ever."

I can see that I'm clearly not going to win.

"We can stop talking about it," I offer, trying to diffuse the situation. "I just wanted to tell you that Sasuke and I were together now. You're my closest friend and I wanted you to know first."

"Don't guilt trip me—" Kiba snaps back quickly, "—and cool, good to fucking know. I get it, you're taken. You can tell Sasuke that I won't try to put moves on you or whatever the fuck you're worried about."

Oh my god, I'm going to kill him. I'm literally going to kill him.

"Awesome, well, I wasn't fucking worried about that," I bite out. "Thanks for being so considerate though."

"Fuck off," he scoffs.

So, I do. Screw this. I'm not going to deal with it anymore. If he's going to be a fucking asshole, then I'll let him stew in it. When he wants to stop being such a douche, he can grovel.

.

.

Me and Kiba don't talk at all for the next couple weeks. We don't even glance at each other. It's awkard and I hate it, but I feel like there's nothing else I can do. I've tried so fucking hard, but it feels impossible. I don't know what the hell his deal is. I feel like he's projecting. He's projecting his feelings towards himself onto Sasuke. He mentioned to me a while ago that there are things about Sasuke that he envies. I mentioned that they have similarities. Maybe he sees it, too.

It sucks that I don't feel like I can be 100% upfront with him. His behavior has been really fucking taxing and I'm not sure how much longer I can handle it on my own. If I tried to explain that to him though, he'd freak out. He might hurt himself. Our friendship would probably be unsalvageable.

I'm really in a fucking bind.

I wish I could lean on Sasuke for a little more support, but he wouldn't be able to understand the situation without knowing all of the details which I have absolutely no right to tell him. It's part of why I wish Sasuke and Kiba were just friends. Then we could all address this shit together and it wouldn't be such a damn mess.

This is so dumb. It's the weekend. Sasuke left a little while ago, though. I drove him home. I kind of wish he'd stick around because I'm bored, but I guess he was tired and didn't feel like he would've been good company. Not that it even matters.

I head into my room and sift through my underwear drawer until I find my cocaine. Thank GOD my nose is healed by now. I take my house key and dip in before bringing it to my nose and sniffing it quickly.

I sniff again and squeeze the bridge of my nose, wrinkling it. With that, I head out into the living room only to see that Kiba is there with his laptop. He looks like he's doing homework. He glances at me and then sneers.

"Clean it up, coke-head."

It's the first thing he's said to me in a while. I guess this means we're on speaking terms again.

I reach a hand up and wipe my nose with my sleeve. There's some white powder there when I glance down. My bad.

Kiba gives me a dirty look and I wonder if he's still trying to piece together what my "problem" is. Tough luck. He's not going to find anything. I'm perfectly fine and this isn't the big issue he wants it to be.

I know that he wants me to be able to relate to the trauma that he's recovering from, but I literally just cannot and I don't know why he would want me to pretend to. I don't need to be able to understand exactly what's going on inside his head to be able to support him.

My life has been fucking easy all things considered. When the singular bad thing did happen with my parents, I got the support I needed pretty much immediately.

And that's that. I'm not still secretly all broken up over it. It's a sad thing, sure, but it doesn't upset me to think about or talk about. It happened. My parents loved me while they were alive and my aunt and uncle took over from there. I got what I needed. I'm pretty stable.

"Does Sasuke know you snort crack every night?" Kiba asks me.

"I don't," I point out.

"Yes, you pretty much do," he argues, "but whatever. Pretend it's not a problem, I don't care."

"It's NOT a problem," I insist… because it's fucking not! I don't get why he won't just drop it. People can do drugs for fun and not just as some stupid-ass reason to cope with how shitty their lives are. I have no lingering trauma.

Besides, it's not like I let drugs rule my life. I make it to all my classes. I do all my homework. I pay my bills on time. I haven't even lost any friendships because of it.

"I'm just in college," I justify, "let me have some fun."

"I didn't realize fun had to involve rotting your nose off, but alright," he says, sounding smug as fuck.

I roll my eyes and move across the room into the kitchen, opening the fridge and retrieving a jug of apple juice.

"Seriously, how many times a week DO you do it?" Kiba asks a moment later, watching me as a pour myself a glass.

"I dunno," I take a sip, "like, five or six?"

He scoffs at that. "Maybe YOU should see a therapist," he remarks bitterly, turning back to his computer.

"Stop being such a little bitch," I retort. "It literally has nothing to do with you. If you cared at all about me and my well-being, physical or mental, you wouldn't be such a prick to my boyfriend, so stop pretending."

He doesn't respond to that and it makes me feel like I won. I know that is immature as hell of me, but I don't care. He's pissing me off lately. All we do is fight and it fucking sucks, but I seriously can't take it anymore. It's making me crazy.

When I'm about to turn into my room, he finally says, "So, you admit it's an issue? If I cared about your crap with Sasuke, then I could care about this, too?"

"That's not what I meant," I retort.

"Whaaatever," he says nonchalantly.

I don't want to get into it with him again, so instead I just decide to remove myself from the situation.

"I have homework to do," I lie, letting myself into my bedroom, "So, good-night."

.

.

That weekend, Sasuke comes by again. As soon as he's in the front door, Kiba's out—probably for the rest of the day.

It seriously hurts to watch them interact with one another like this.

Sasuke, on the other hand, seems completely unfazed. That's good I guess. It would only make my life about a million times harder if it actually offended him.

"How are you?" he asks me, completely ignoring the speedy exit Kiba just made.

"Alright," I say truthfully, "I'm happy to see you."

"I'm happy to see you, too," he says. "Are things okay? You seem kind of tense."

"Kiba is just stressing me out," I admit with a short laugh. "We're kind of… not getting along lately. It's annoying."

Sasuke nods slowly. "He seems like he can be difficult at times."

"I wish he'd give you a fucking chance," I murmur. "He won't, though. I mean… if he stopped being such a prick, would you be willing to actually be around him?"

Sasuke shrugs. "Sure. I mean, I think he has a hard time with controlling himself. He seems angry. I've probably made things worse in the past, but he is good at riling me up. If there ever comes a time where we are in the same room for an extended period, I'll definitely try to keep my cool."

"Thank you," I say. "I just, like, wish you guys could be friends…"

Sasuke smiles somewhat wearily. "That will probably never happen… but if the time ever comes, I'll try to get along with him."

Sasuke's so damn sweet. I'm lucky as hell he wanted to date me. I still can't wrap my head around it to be honest.

"Let's do something low-key," I offer, "I'm worn out."

"Alright," he nods sympathetically, "We can watch a movie in your bedroom or something if you want. That way if Kiba comes home you won't have to deal with him being all pissy."

That's what we end up doing. I make a big bowl of popcorn and we cuddle up under my comforter. I feel like we've been watching a lot of television together lately, but I don't mind because it gives me good opportunities to try and put the moves on him.

He's been semi reciprocative, but every time we try to go below the belt we don't end up going any farther. I haven't pushed. We'll do things at his pace. We'll do things when he's ready.

Halfway through the movie, neither of us is really paying attention. We set the popcorn on my nightstand and push the laptop aside. This time, Sasuke makes the first move. I'm more than willing to follow.

I wonder how far we'll get tonight – not that it matters. We could makeout all night for all I care.

"Wanna?" I ask him, knowing he'll get what I mean.

"Yeah, okay," he says.

Fuck yeah. Finally.

I turn the movie on and close my laptop, setting it on the floor.

I strip off my shirt and Sasuke follows soon after, wrapping himself up in my bedsheets.

"You look good," I comment, trying to boost his confidence.

"Thanks," he smiles sheepishly.

I lean in and kiss him on the lips. He reciprocates, which is a good sign.

Sasuke seems nervous, which is actually kind of endearing. He must just be having performance anxiety. I probably would too if I didn't get to have the experiences I've had over the past year.

"We'll go slow," I reassure him, "If you decide you want to stop just tell me."

He nods, but insist's he's fine. "I'm ready," he confirms, although it sounds more like he's trying to convince himself than me.

"You're sure, huh?"

He rolls his eyes at me; almost like he's annoyed I'm being so cautious. But, I mean, can be really blame me? "Yeah, I'm sure."

I guess this is it, then.

As we kiss, I slide a hand over his abdomen. He's smooth. Warm. When my hand reaches his chest, I can feel his heart and I can feel how fast it's beating. It makes me wonder if he's nervous. If he is, that's kind of sweet. I didn't picture him as the type. When we pull apart, I decide to ask him one more time, "You sure you're ready?" He nods his head.

This feels different. So much different than it was with Kiba.

I reach for the drawstring on his sweatpants and then stare at him, gaging his reaction. He doesn't push me away this time. "Say something," I whisper, wanting to make sure he's okay with this the whole way through.

He glances at me and then he glances off to the side again, letting out a somewhat meek laugh. "Sorry. I probably seem nervous as hell, don't I?"

"A bit," I say with a slight smile, "but I think it's cute."

"I just don't want to mess up," he murmurs.

I find it odd that that's a concern of his. He seems experienced with guys – a lot more experienced than I am.

"You won't," I promise him.

"I might…" he says.

I shake my head and then I lean forward, cupping his face and peck him on the lips. "You won't," I reiterate after drawing back.

"Okay," he murmurs.

I reach for his drawstring again, undoing it and pushing his pants and shorts down. He rolls onto his back and lifts his hips, removing them the rest of the way. I stare at him. He's fucking perfect. GOD, he looks good.

He glances at me and then he glances off to the side in an almost shy gesture, which I find strange on him. He's not a shy person. I didn't imagine he'd be shy in bed. Maybe he's like this with guys, though. I don't know.

He sits up and he still seems nervous as hell. Like, REALLY nervous! It makes me want to be all the more careful and cautious.

"Sasuke," I say his name, sitting up in front of him, "are you sure you're all right? We can wait. I'm totally happy to wait if you're not totally ready."

I do want to have sex with him, but I also want him to be ready for it. I want him to enjoy it. I want to make this special for him. I want to make him feel good and that'll be difficult to achieve if he's tense the whole time.

"No, it's fine," he promises. "I'm ready. I just… I don't know. I don't want to do something stupid."

I put a hand on the side of his head and move my palm through his hair, staring at him intently. "You won't," I insist yet again.

He sighs, mostly to himself. "You're right." With that, he seems to dismiss his worries. He reaches for the rim of my pants and pulls them down. I step out of them and he grabs my partial hard-on. He just uses his hand, but it feels pretty good. He knows what he's doing, that's for fucking sure.

When I'm sufficiently erect, Sasuke draws away and grabs a pillow, saying, "Can I use this? It'll make things easier."

I almost mention the fact that Kiba did this once, too, but I don't. That would be the worst possible thing to mention right now.

Instead, I nod my head and Sasuke lies on his back, putting the pillow under his posterior to keep himself elevated. With his arms, he holds his thighs, keeping himself spread. What a site to see. It almost makes me jealous thinking other people have seen him like this.

I grab the lube and roll on a condom, positioning myself before slowly pushing in. I go slowly because I know for a fact that he probably hasn't had sex in a while. He lets out a shuddery sigh and then a moan.

"I like the sounds you make," I whisper.

He doesn't respond. Instead, he puts his hands around my neck and draws me down, kissing me. It's a soft and slow kiss, giving him time to adjust and relax. When he lets go of me he says, "Okay," giving me the go ahead.

He feels awesome.

I've wanted to do this for a while. I think I've wanted this even before that night at the bar.

Things seem perfect until I'm about halfway there and I look down and realize he's fucking CRYING. He's perfectly quiet, but there are tears in his eyes and they're falling down the sides of his face. He looks fucking traumatized.

What the actual fuck?

I immediately pause and stare down at him. For a few seconds, I don't know what the fuck to say. I feel like I'm going to choke.

"Sasuke…?" I start by saying his name awkwardy. It comes out hoarse.

He closes his eyes and tosses his head to the side, like he's trying to get away from me, but he can't because he's pinned under me.

I pull away with a wince and stand up. I want to fucking start screaming! This is WAY too familiar!

"Sasuke, what the hell?" I ask a little more sharply when he doesn't respond.

He sits up and immediately starts swiping at his eyes, mumbling, "Oh, my God… Oh, my God…" over and over again.

"Sasuke!" I shout impatiently.

He jolts.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he starts, refusing to look at me, "it's fine, I'm fine."

"You're CLEARLY not fine!" I exclaim, and before I can help myself I add, "Why does this keep happening?"

Sasuke doesn't even acknowledge my outburst. He's too caught in his own head.

If I hadn't experienced this before I would assume I had hurt him, but I definitely did not. I was being so careful. I kept asking if he was okay. I did everything right and this is still how it turned out.

I ditch the condom, throwing it in the trash.

This is the fucking worst.

When Sasuke still doesn't respond, I realize I need to say something. "Are you okay?" I ask sheepishly.

"Not really," he chokes out, "it's not your fault though."

"What's going on?" I press.

"I… I'm stupid," he mumbles. "I thought I could do it because I've done it so many times before, but then I couldn't… and I'm sorry."

I don't really get what he means by that. At all.

"You're not being very nice to yourself," I say, totally unsure what else I should tell him.

"I know," he whispers.

I shrug and sigh. "So, what just happened?"

"I'm sorry," he whispers again, not bothering to answer my question.

I sit back down and put an arm around him, drawing him close. "Don't be. You didn't do anything wrong. Just… talk to me."

He shakes me off fast and stands up. "No…! I just…" He stops and closes his mouth. Before I can try and grab him, he's running out of the room, still stark nude. I follow him and he locks himself in the bathroom. I knock on the door, but he won't come out.

"Fuck's sake…" I whisper to myself, going to throw my clothes back on.

Something must be wrong. Something must be seriously, seriously wrong. I'm trying not to make snap judgements but my mind keeps wandering to the last time this happened. Did Sasuke experience something really horrible? Is it something like what happened to Kiba?

I feel so left in the dark, like everyone around me is holding onto these awful secrets that affect me but not enough for me to have the right to demand answers.

God, I wish Sasuke would come out. I want to talk to him.

I dink around on my phone for a while trying to pass time and hoping Kiba doesn't come home in the middle of this mess. Thankfully, he doesn't, and after about an hour Sasuke emerges from the bathroom.

I get up and grab his clothes, handing them to him. "Here," I say.

He takes them and moves into my room, but he doesn't get dressed. Instead, he sits on the edge of my bed and lets the clothes fall out of his hold. He looks super out of it. I grab my quilt and put it over his shoulders, covering him up.

I want to ask him if this is about January, but I don't want him to freak out. I want him to calm down and I want him to tell me when he's ready to tell me.

His eyes and cheeks are wet, but he's not crying anymore. He just looks numb as hell.

Should I touch him? Should I not touch him? Should I put a hand on his shoulder and tell him it'll be okay? That feels like a lie, so I don't. I keep my mouth shut and I sit with him and wait. I have no fucking idea what I'm supposed to do here because I have no fucking idea what is going on.

Sasuke lets out a shuddery sigh. He looks so fucking hopeless. "I got raped," he tells me, the words falling out of his throat in a miserable confession, "that's what happened in January. Sorry, I thought I was over it. I guess I was wrong."

I stare back at him. My heart hurts. This is the saddest thing I could have imagined for him but somehow, considering tonight's situation and my past experiences, I'm not really surprised.

"I'm so sorry," I respond, remaining at a distance. "Tonight was a mistake. We should have waited. I really hope I didn't make you feel pressured."

Sasuke shakes his head. "I thought I was ready," he insists, "I wanted to be ready."

"I'm so sorry…" I say again.

"Sometimes I feel like I had it coming," he says with a bitter as hell laugh.

"Sasuke, it's not your fault…" I try to reason.

His eyes are glassy and it makes me feel so, so fucking sad for him. "No, you don't get it! It's just –" he cuts himself off with a sob. "GOD!" he shrieks in frustration. "I can't do _anything_! Even if I knew who the guy that did it was, I wouldn't be able to go to court! There's no proof! People who do this shit ALWAYS get away with it!"

I want to say something to reassure him, but I know he's right. Most rapes aren't reported and even the ones that are often get no justice. It's he said, she said, they said.

"I'm sorry," I choke out yet again after his outburst. "I'm sorry that happened to you."

He looks disgusted and I feel like it's probably solely directed toward himself. "You literally know everything about me now," he murmurs. "All the important stuff, at least…"

That gives me a mixed feeling – good and bad at the same time. Good, because it means he trusts me… and bad, because it means that he doesn't really trust anyone else.

"I don't know why I thought I would be okay sleeping with someone when I can't even bring myself to masturbate these days…" he adds bitingly, swiping briskly at his cheeks with his fingertips.

This is just so fucked up. It makes me so livid that people can do shit like this that ruins people's lives and they just walk about like nothing ever fucking happened.

"So, that's what happened at the party," I reiterate, "the one where you couldn't remember."

"I got drugged," he tells me, "I was stupid and took some random ass drink that some fucking frat boy handed me and the next thing I knew I was waking up in my dorm room naked, throwing up and covered in bruises."

Ugh. I feel sick. I should have done something. I could have stopped this.

"I feel responsible," I admit sorrowfully, "I was the last one to see you that night."

He starts to laugh and it sounds so fucking COLD. "It had nothing to do with you," he murmurs, sinking deeper into the blankets. "I don't care if you feel responsible."

That kind of stings, but I get what he is saying.

"No one remembers what the guy looked like," he continues. "I don't even remember. I just remember… being touched… not being able to move. In the moment, I didn't really get what was happening. That's how out of it I was. Then I forgot and it eventually started coming back in vague chunks. Everything hurt."

"Yeah," I whisper.

"I'll never know who did it," he murmurs. "I'll never know why he did it. I'll never know if he planned it or if I was just a random target. I have to live with the fact that I'll never know why this happened to me."

I fucking wish I knew what that asshole had planned. I would have beaten the shit out of that pervert and taken Sasuke somewhere safe.

Now that I'm piecing everything together in my head, I feel so fucking bitter. I should have been paying better attention that night. This is why Sasuke stopped going to class. It was probably terrifying for him to leave his room not knowing if he'd encounter the person who assaulted him. That's why he failed and that's why his dad is being such a huge fucking dick to him.

On top of that, this is also definitely why he stopped drinking and partying—hell—I'm sure it's why he hates drugs now, too.

Sasuke doesn't deserve any of this. None of this is his fucking fault and yet the consequences just keep coming.

Sasuke lets out a soft breath and moves further into my bed, lying down. "I hate this," he whispers grievously.

"Do you want to be alone?" I ask him out of courtesy. I feel like he probably doesn't want to be alone, but I feel like I should ask in case I'm misreading the situation.

"No," he says.

So, I then ask, "Do you want me to stay?"

"Yeah… stay," he replies quietly. "I don't want to be alone."

So, I kill the lights and I lie down behind him. I stare at his back and I ask, "Is it okay if I touch you?"

"Of course," he mumbles groggily and I put a hand on his back. "Closer," he whispers, so I inch towards him and I put my arms around him, pulling him into my chest.

I hate this. I hate that he's hurting so bad. I hate that someone did this to him. I really wish I knew who it was.

Why do things like this happen?

We lay here in silence for a while. I don't really know what to say. Sasuke probably doesn't either. Even with the practice I had comforting Kiba so many times, I still feel at a loss for words. It's never the same.

After the things Kiba said about me not always responding the way he wanted, I feel extra wary about how I react. I want Sasuke to tell me what he needs from me in this moment.

I wonder if Sasuke and Kiba could help one another. Would they know the right things to say? They'd probably know better than me at the very least.

That would be if I could ever get them to talk though, which seems fucking impossible at this point.

I guess I could try?

"Hey," I break the silence, keeping my voice low, "I can understand why you wouldn't want to, but I think it might be good if you tried talking to Kiba about this."

Sasuke sits up a little and gives me a weird look. "Why?" he asks. "Did something similar happen to him?"

"I can't really say outright," I shrug, "But if you talked first I'm sure he'd be more willing to share."

"Kiba is an asshole," Sasuke murmurs, sounding somewhat dismissive towards the idea of talking to him.

"Yeah, but… you should at least try," I attempt to reason. "You might be surprised. Honestly, I think you guys could really help one another."

"I can't really imagine that," he argues

I pull him back down and we lie face to face. "Just… try. Do it cautiously, but try. I really feel like you guys could be great friends if you gave one another a chance."

They could offer one another something I can't give them. They'd understand one another on a deeper level because they've both been through that kind of abuse. I haven't and maybe because of that I can't give either of them what they want or need.

"It's not me you need to worry about," he points out. "Kiba is the one who is being difficult."

"Well… yeah," I mumble. "I've been trying to get him to stop doing that, but he's, like, so determined to be the worst."

"Whatever," Sasuke replies simply and I can tell he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. "I will think about it, okay?"

"Okay," I agree, putting an end to the conversation.

With that, he closes his eyes. I continue to watch him, thinking about how much all of this fucking sucks. I shouldn't be so surprised. I guess, in a way, I'm not. It all makes perfect sense.

It makes me feel unbelievably bad – bad for the victims, for people like Sasuke and Kiba.

I'll never understand why people do things like this. Why did Hiro do all those things to Kiba when they were kids? Why did a stranger decide to drug Sasuke and force him into bed? I can't wrap my mind around crimes like this. They're too horrible.

These are two of the people that I care most about in the entire world and the fact that they're suffering because of the terrible decisions that some other awful ass monsters made is really hard to handle. If I feel fucking hopeless just hearing these stories secondhand, I can't even imagine how Kiba and Sasuke must feel.

I'd just keep lying here, but I feel restless. I want to actively comfort Sasuke and I don't feel like I'm doing anything right now.

"Want a cup of tea?" I ask, peering down at him.

"That's okay," he tells me, "this is nice."

Alright, whatever he needs.

I readjust and pull the comforter up over both of us. "We can just lay here." I offer.

"Yeah," he whispers.

I keep my arms around him and I don't say anything else. I feel like he doesn't want me to. We can talk more tomorrow, or whenever he feels like it. I'm just glad he finally told me. He probably felt like, at this point, he had to.

This sucks. This really sucks. That sounds unceremonious at best, but there's no way I can communicate how much it fucking sucks. To use one's own body against them… Well, I can't imagine it. I wish I could do something, but I can't. Nothing will fix this. Nothing will make it okay because it's NOT okay.

People are fucked up.

People are cruel.

It makes me sick to my stomach.


	25. Chapter 25: Kiba

**Kiba's POV**

Two weekends following me calling Naruto out on his nasty fucking coke habit, we still aren't really talking much.

There's a curt hello here and there, but mostly I hang out in my room and avoid the interactions altogether. We just keep fighting and even though every time it happens I feel like we've worked out our shit, it ends up happening again pretty much right away regardless.

The amount of time he's been spending with Sasuke has increased tenfold and it's starting to get really under my skin. Having him here all the time is invasive and makes me feel like I'm seriously never alone, which I already don't cope well with when it's someone I like let alone someone I hate.

I really can't stand him. It pisses Naruto off, but I don't really care. In an ideal world, I'd never have to see Sasuke.

I know it's dumb, though. I don't know why I hate him so much. I don't know why he gets under my skin. I know I told Naruto some of the reasons he bothers me, but I still feel like there are other things I can't quite put my finger on.

Even if I were to try being less of an asshole, I know it wouldn't work. When I see him, I get riled up. He doesn't even have to say anything. He might just be standing there and I'll still get pissed off.

I must sound crazy. I know Naruto probably thinks so.

Right now, I'm hanging out in my room by myself. Sasuke and Naruto are watching TV out in the living room—which makes me feel totally unwelcome—so instead I'm just hiding away.

On the bright side of having all this free time, I'm doing pretty well in my classes. It's weird not to be dedicating all this time to soccer, especially since I've played every fall since I was in high school. On one hand, I'm happy to not have to deal with the stress of it, but I still feel a little guilty about how the whole thing went down.

The kid who I slide tackled tore his ACL I guess. I see him around campus every now and then using a knee scooter and his friends always give me dirty looks. I know I deserve it but it still makes me uncomfortable.

I wish I could control myself. I have absolutely no self-control. If something comes to mind, I just do it without taking a second to think of the repercussions. I really need to work on that.

Around 8PM, I decide to refill my water bottle. I head out, not bothering to greet Naruto and Sasuke. I fill my water bottle up in the kitchen and try to make a brisk exit back into my bedroom, but Naruto stops me.

"Hey," he greets from the sofa.

"Hey," I respond.

"Come sit," he invites.

I want to fucking roll my eyes. "No…"

"Come on," he urges.

Why? Why does he want me to spend time with them? I'm probably just going to get annoyed and I'll do something stupid and Naruto will get mad.

"What are you watching?" I ask, trying not to sound too cranky.

"A documentary about…" Naruto turns to Sasuke, "food?"

"GMOs," Sasuke corrects.

"Huh," I snort, "since when are you interested in that sort of thing?"

Naruto shrugs, completely ignoring the tone of my voice, "It's interesting."

"We can change it," Sasuke offers without missing a beat. Ugh. He's such a kiss ass. I feel like he's literally trying to make me look bad.

"That's fine," I tell them, reluctantly sitting on the floor in front of the couch. I wouldn't want to invade their 'boyfriend space.'

This is seriously uncomfortable. As we hit play and the film starts up again, I can practically feel them staring daggers in my back.

I stare at the screen. This is the dullest shit I've watched in my entire life. Clearly Sasuke chose this because there is no way in hell Naruto would willingly watch something like this on his own time. Yawn.

I sip on my water, trying to will away the tense mood in the room. I wonder if they both feel it or if it's just me?

After the documentary is over, Naruto gets up and says, "I'm going to shower."

"But –" Sasuke starts, then he cuts himself off.

"I'll be quick," Naruto adds. "But you two should chat or pick something else to watch."

What the FUCK kind of stunt is he trying to pull? I get that he wants us to be friends or whatever fruity idea he has for us in his head, but it's just not going to happen. I would get up and leave if I didn't feel like that would be more awkward than staying. Does he seriously just expect me to hang out here with Sasuke while he takes a fucking shower?

Sasuke gives Naruto a dirty look and I can tell that he isn't thrilled about this either. Naruto ignores us both, making a speedy exit.

We're both silent for a moment and it makes me feel incredibly anxious. This is so forced-I don't know what the fuck Naruto is thinking.

Awkwardly, I get up and take the seat Naruto was formerly occupying. It would look stupid if I stayed glued to the carpet.

"Uh, so what do you want to watch?" Sasuke asks, looking at me.

"Don't care," I reply, glancing away.

I should try to be nice. I should REALLY try. This sucks, though, because I already want to start acting snappy. I should try for Naruto's sake, though. Also for my sake because I fucking hate when Naruto gets mad at me. I always end up feeling like a scolded child. I hate when people make me feel like a child. I hate it because my childhood was crap and regressing sucks.

Sasuke picks some other lame-ass documentary and I guess I should be at least a little impressed that he gives literally no fucks about what I think of his movie choices.

It feels like Naruto is taking FOREVER. I wonder if he's doing this on purpose. If not, he's probably shaving his balls or some shit.

"Um," Sasuke mumbles to me for the first time since I sat down, "kinda rude for Naruto to run off on us like that, huh?"

"He's just trying to force us to talk," I answer curtly, although I'm sure Sasuke is well aware.

"Yeah, definitely." He tilts his head side to side, seeming uncomfortable. "About that—"

I glance over to him as he pauses the film.

"This is going to be awkward," he prefaces.

"It's already awkward," I snort.

He stares down and sighs before glancing back up at me. "All right… Okay… So, back in January..."

I raise an eyebrow at that. It feels like the entire tone of the conversation is about to shift dramatically. I don't respond. I just stare awkwardly and wait for him to spit it out, but for some reason I'm already anxious. What the hell is he going to say? What could possibly be relevant?

"I was at a party," he continues, starting to sound shaky, "and I got drugged and something shitty happened to me."

I want to fucking vomit.

It reminds me of the confession Hiro made to me those months back.

I don't want to hear things like this.

"What…?" I choke out. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Naruto said I should," he points out. "He said we –"

"What?" I immediately cut him off, starting to panic. I feel sick. A wave of nausea runs over me and I feel like I'm seriously going to throw up. "Naruto… Naruto told you? He told you what my cousin did to me?"

"What?" he asks, but then his brow furrows. He sounds confused but I don't know what he could possibly be confused about if he's going to stick his nose into the most private part of my life.

I bring a hand up to my forehead, pushing my bangs out of my face. "Are you fucking KIDDING me right now?" I exclaim.

Sasuke looks startled but his mouth stays clamped shut. He knows. He totally knows.

"That's none of your fucking business!" I continue frantically, standing up from the couch, "What the fuck about our relationship makes you think that you have the right to ask me about that!?"

"No, I didn't mean like—" he starts, but I don't let him finish. I turn towards the bathroom and scream Naruto's name.

I start banging on the door until some minutes later when he emerges wearing a towel. He's scowling as he asks, "Kiba, what the fuck is your problem? I'm SHOWERING." He gestures to his scanty appearance, but I couldn't care less.

"You told Sasuke..." I trail off, not wanting to repeat myself for a second time in one night.

Naruto looks irritated. "I didn't tell anyone squat! What the fuck are you on about?"

I glance back at Sasuke who is still sitting on the sofa. I point and say, "You don't your stupid boyfriend about Hiro."

Naruto rolls his eyes so far back it looks like he's about to pass out. "Are you kidding? I didn't fucking tell Sasuke anything!"

What...?

"Then why the fuck is he asking me about it?" I shoot back accusatorially.

"I just said you two should talk!" he insists. "That's literally it! I didn't give him any fucking details!"

He looks past me and at Sasuke, who I can't help but shoot a dirty look at.

"Can you LEAVE?" I snap, "For fucking once!?"

He seems seriously taken aback. "I'm sorry," he hisses, "it's a sensitive topic for me, too, you know."

I turn back to Naruto. His mouth is twisted into a frown. "Sasuke was just trying to have a conversation with you," he says in a condescending tone.

"I don't want to have a conversation about THAT with HIM!" I say, my voice getting shrieky.

"I just thought you could use another friend," he responds simply, "but I guess I was wrong." He pauses and then adds, "I can't do it all, you know. I can't be the only one in your life you talk to. I can't be the only one in your life who supports you. I mean, I don't mind doing it. I WANT to do it, but you need more than just me. People need people. Plural. I saw that you and Sasuke had something in common and I thought maybe you could help one another in a way I can't help either of you."

Me and Sasuke don't have anything in common. Whatever happened to him happened ONCE and then it was over. What I went through lasted for YEARS.

I grit my teeth. "No one can help me."

"I don't think that's true, Kiba," Naruto argues. "When you're READY for help, the people in your life will be able to aide you. Doctors will be able to aide you."

I want to laugh and scream. What a fucking joke! I'm NEVER going to be okay.

"I've already come to terms with the fact that this has permanently fucked me up," I say.

Naruto lets out a sigh. "Well, you shouldn't. Don't give up on yourself. That would be stupid. You're nineteen years old, for fuck's sake. There's still time. There's always still time."

I'm so fucking angry I want to cry, but what surprises it is that most of it's not directed at Naruto. For fuck's sake, it's not even directed at Sasuke. Most of it's just directed towards myself. I wish I was okay. I wish I was normal. I wish I could get over it. I wish I could function normally and stop jumping to all these radical conclusions. I wish I wasn't such a god damn mess all the time. I wish I didn't fucking hate myself. Then maybe I'd let myself reach for something better than this. I always settle. I always dwell. I can't stop.

I need to end this conversation. There's no way that I'm capable of dealing with this right now.

"Leave me alone," I spit out poisonously, but Naruto doesn't bat an eyelash. I guess he's seen my anger at its worst. This doesn't faze him anymore.

With that, I turn around and exit down the hallway. I head to my own room and shut the door, locking it behind me.

I can't believe they would gang up on me about this. It's so fucking unfair. How did they expect me to react? Did they seriously think I could just sit down and have a civil conversation? They probably did, but Naruto should know better.

Through the wall I can hear Sasuke ask Naruto why the hell he thought this would be a good idea. Great. At least Sasuke has his fucking head on straight.

I still can't fucking believe what just happened out there. Is Naruto honestly out of his fucking mind? I can't believe he would do this to me. He insists his heart as in the right place, but if he tried to pull shit like this it makes me wonder if he even knows what kind of person I am?

OBVIOUSLY this isn't okay with me. If he did want me to consider it, then he should have spoken to me first like he did with Sasuke! I mean, what the fuck?

I sit on the floor against my door and listen to their conversation continue. Naruto tries to justify himself by saying he didn't think I'd react this way and that he still thinks we should talk things out.

Fuck that.

I don't bother listening anymore. I sit up and I lie in my bed with Akamaru. I don't want to think anymore.

.

.

I stay in my room Sunday morning until I hear Sasuke and Naruto go out for lunch. At that point, I slowly emerge and get myself a bowl of cereal. I'm pretty hungry because I didn't end up eating dinner last night.

After that, I retreat back to my room. I don't know when Naruto will be back and I don't want to have to deal with confrontation right now.

Frankly, I think he should apologize. I know that he's going to spin it as if I overreacted and hurt poor little Sasuke's feelings, but I don't give a flying fuck. He should have known better than to try and set me up like that. Of course I didn't take it well! I felt fucking backed into a corner!

Still, I'm a little anxious about it. Naruto's definitely going to be all pissy with me now and I hate it when he's mad. I never know what to say because I don't really feel like I'm in the wrong.

I feel like I have a lot hanging over my head now. Last night's shit just adds to it all.

I still haven't called my uncle back, but I've been thinking a lot about our conversation. I feel like I should give him a chance, though. I feel like I always have to give my family members chances. Too many fucking chances. This is precisely why I let Hiro into my kitchen those months back. He is the fucking worst.

I stare at my phone, feeling contemplative.

Should I call him?

Should I wait? Should I think about it so more?

I feel like I've been thinking on it for too long. What else is there to mull over?

Finally, I hit send and hold the phone up to my ear, waiting for it to ring through. I half hope he doesn't answer, although I don't have the guts to leave a message so I'll just end up having to call back later.

A moment later, Gaku picks up.

" _Kiba?"_ he asks, sounding surprised.

"Um, hi," I mumble, not really knowing the appropriate way to greet him.

" _I'_ _m happy you called_ ," he tells me, " _I wasn_ _'_ _t sure if you would._ _"_

Me neither until just now if I'm being honest.

"I've been thinking a lot about our conversation," I admit hoarsely, "I've been thinking it might be good for me to have some sort of connection with someone who knows what I went through."

Someone besides Naruto.

This could be a good thing, right? Something good might actually come out of it. I need to try having more faith in people. Not EVERYONE is going to disappoint me and not everyone has made it their life mission to hurt me.

" _Would you want to meet up or is that too much too soon?_ _"_

"Um…" I pause, thinking about it for a minute. "We can meet up. We can go get coffee or some shit."

" _When would you like to do that?_ _"_

"Uh… Today?"

Mostly because I want to get it over with as soon as possible, in case it does go awry. I don't want plans like this looming over my head for days on end.

" _All right_ ," he accepts. " _Want to meet up around two?_ _"_

"Yeah, okay," I say.

We choose a coffee house towards his side of town and with that I hang up.

Ugh, I'm nervous. I feel sick to my stomach.

After a few minutes of lying in bed, I force myself to start getting ready. It's like the most mentally taxing shit I've ever done, probably because I would rather be doing literally anything else on the planet.

I know this meet up is probably for the best, but it's still almost physically painful to think about going through with it. I fucking HATE my family. I don't know if anything will ever be able to change that, no matter how nice my uncle is to me.

Soon enough, I head out. I don't bother taking the long way. I want to get there as soon as possible so I can start gaging the situation. I'm nervous. My throat feels jammed and I feel like I can barely breathe.

When I arrive there, I head in and glance around. I spot my uncle sitting in the center of the café. When he sees me, he waves. I approach slowly, sitting across from him.

"Hi," he says.

"Hi," I echo.

He pushes a cup towards me and says, "I got you black coffee. I wasn't sure what you took in it."

"This is fine," I reply.

This is all fine. It's going to be fine.

As I stare at him solemnly and sip on my coffee, the first thing I notice is a purplish-green ring underneath his left eye. The bruise looks nasty, but seems like it's been healing for at least a couple days.

"What happened?" I ask, pointing to the same spot on my own cheek.

Gaku lets out an exasperated sigh. "Hiro is difficult to handle," he states simply, "he's so volatile."

I should have known. I guess it's not that surprising. Hiro always goes straight for the face.

"Oh," I nod my head slowly, "are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he dismisses me quickly, "don't worry about it."

I wonder why Hiro did it, but I don't bother prying. Then again, maybe there wasn't a reason at all. Maybe he just felt like punching his dad in the face. He seems like the type. Plus, Gaku said now that I'm not around for him to pick on, Hiro has been acting extra shitty towards others.

"He needs therapy," I mumble.

Ha. I know I must sound hypocritical as FUCK, but it's true. There's probably something wrong in Hiro's head. Normal people don't act that way.

"Probably," Gaku responds.

I stare down at the cup of coffee before raising it and taking a slow sip. I don't drink black coffee, but I'm too uncomfortable to get up and put milk in it.

"We don't have to talk about Hiro if you don't want to," he adds after a moment of silence, "we can talk about whatever you want. How is your semester going?"

I shrug. "Fine, I guess," I tell him. "My classes are hard but I'm getting good grades."

"That's good," Gaku nods, almost sounding proud of me, "veterinary is tough."

"It is," I agree, "But I have a lot more free time lately." I pause for a second and then add, "I quit soccer."

Gaku looks taken aback. "Really?" he asks. "You've played for so long. I thought you really enjoyed it?"

Ugh. I did kind of enjoy it. I just couldn't mentally handle the commitment with all the other shit going on in my life.

"Well—" I mumble, trying to decide how honest I want to be, "—It's more like I got kicked off, I guess."

He nods his head slowly. "What happened?"

"I was getting too violent on the field," I admit. "I tackled a freshman."

I feel pretty guilty about it still. I should apologize to that kid, but I don't really want to. Apologizing feels like admitting I am wrong… which I am, but I still don't want to say it out loud.

Gaku nods again. "Why did you do that?"

"I don't know," I say truthfully. "I was just getting really overwhelmed with everything, so I started acting out because of it…"

Fuck, I must seem just like Hiro… but I'm not like that asshole. I don't do these things for fun. I do these things because I don't know how to cope with anything. It's easier to force out a consequence and sabotage myself than to actually say what I want.

Gaku gives me a sad look and I want to tell him not to pity me. I did this to myself. I deserve to feel bad about it.

"Is there any chance the coach would reconsider?" he questions. "If you went to him and apologized?"

"I don't know," I admit, "It was messy."

I honestly don't think I could even get myself to talk to him. It'd be too uncomfortable and I feel like he'd kick my ass for being so insubordinate.

"Maybe if you explained the situation—" Gaku suggests, "—if you told him that you were struggling then he may be more inclined to be understanding."

"Yeah," I scoff, "But I'd have to give him every last detail and I am so not about to do that."

Gaku looks thoughtful, like he's trying to solve the situation for me. I don't really want him to though.

"It's fine," I reiterate, not wanting him to say anything else about it. "I don't think I even want to play soccer anymore."

"Why not?"

"It's too much," I explain. "It was just another thing on my list of shit to worry about. It's easier this way. One less thing I need to do."

"Fair," Gaku says.

"So, whatever," I add dismissively.

I was getting way too aggressive. I don't even know why it had to happen like that. It was stupid. If I stayed on the team, I don't know how much worse things would have gotten. I probably would've kept at it until getting the boot, so it's good it happened sooner rather than later.

"How has your new living situation been?" Gaku asks me, changing the subject.

"Better than at home," I snort. "Although for a while Hiro was showing up all the fucking time and messing with my roommate."

"Really?" His jaw drops. "I didn't know—I'm so sorry—I would have said something to him."

I shrug, giving him a distant look. "I mean, it's not like you could have stopped him."

His mouth twists into a tight frown. He knows I'm right.

"He actually got into a fight with Naruto and broke his nose," I decide to add. "I haven't seen Hiro since then, though."

"Good god." Gaku brings a hand to his forehead and gives me a look of dismay.

"Yeah," I murmur.

God, he was really screwing with me back then. I'm glad he no longer comes around, but I feel somehow responsible for all the pain he's inflicting on everyone else in my place. I know it's not my fault, but it indirectly feels like it is.

I have these brief, quick thoughts where I think that I should let him back into my life so he'll stop. I don't want him to keep kicking my little cousins or punching people for the hell of it.

"Your parents told us about your relationship with Naruto," Gaku decides to mention.

I shift uncomfortably. "Oh… That."

"Is he your boyfriend?"

"No…" I say a little quickly. "He's, like… No. That was only temporary insanity. He's seeing some tool named Sasuke now."

"Ah." He nods his head slowly. "I hope you don't mind me asking, and you don't have to answer if you aren't comfortable, but do you prefer men?"

Ugh. Old people always have the worst way of phrasing this kind of shit.

"No…" I mumble. "I think I was just kind of like…freaking out."

Gaku leans forward, putting his elbows on the table and resting his chin in his hands. "What do you mean?"

"Um—" I pause, trying to figure out the best way to say this, "—so, Naruto is my best friend, and he's bi."

He nods, urging me to continue.

"It happened like…well, we got really messed up at a party. I don't usually take drugs but for some reason I decided it would be a good idea. Then Naruto started hitting on me and I kind of just like, didn't know what else I was supposed to do? I haven't really ever been close to someone before like I am to him—other than Hiro, I guess."

I think he gets what I mean. It's a pretty fucked up confession, but it's the truth.

It's complicated, but Hiro is the largest part of why I did all of those things with Naruto… and, yeah, I kind of do regret it all, but I can't blame it on Naruto. It was my fault. I could have easily put a stop to it, but I didn't. In fact, there were times I initiated it. And, sure, maybe it made me feel better in a sense, but it also made me feel worse. I can't really explain it in a way that someone else would understand, though. It's too personal.

I've been with girls, but it was different. I still always felt gross at the end, even though I was attracted to them. That part was the same.

I think part of being with Naruto was some sort of fucked up comfort I was looking for because of what happened with Hiro. Comfort was something I inevitably couldn't find because I wasn't into him like that. It was stupid. It was a stupid idea. I think another part of it was just hating myself.

I wouldn't tell that to Naruto, though I feel like he might already know it.

"I see," Gaku says quietly.

"We stopped sleeping together," I say, not really caring if it's not appropriate for my uncle to hear. "I told him what happened to me and we stopped."

Gaku makes an "o" shape with his mouth. "I'm surprised to hear that Naruto is aware of the situation," he says after a moment.

I let out a bitter laugh. "Yeah, I'm sure my parents would have a fucking cow."

He gives me a critical look and briefly I am concerned that maybe he's mad I told someone. That fear is resolved a second later though when he says, "I'm glad you have a friend to talk to."

"I didn't really want to tell him," I confess, "but I guess I'm happy I did."

He nods some more. "He seems supportive."

"He's annoying about it," I murmur. "His stupid boyfriend got raped at a party and now Naruto wants us to be best friends or something. He keeps saying how it would be good for the both of us and all this shit. No fucking thanks."

I don't feel like me and Sasuke have things in common. Even what happened to us is so different.

"And you don't want that?" Gaku ventures

"I don't like Sasuke," I reiterate. "He's an ass."

"Why's that?"

"He's just annoying," I explain myself somewhat poorly. "He is fake. He's the fakest person I've ever met and he's really good at it and I don't like that."

"Huh," he nods, "I suppose I can see why that would bother you."

"Yeah," I confirm, "even though he has all this shit going on he still manages to keep everyone wrapped around his little finger. I went to high school with him too and even then everybody thought he was so fucking cool and suave." When Gaku doesn't respond, I continue. "It's just like, why does he get to keep everyone at arm's length? They all think he's so well-collected and choose to leave him alone but at the same time they're like, 'What's wrong Kiba? Talk to us about all your problems, Kiba! We're all so fucking nosy, Kiba!'" I explain, getting exasperated, "It's fucking tiring."

"That would get frustrating," he says. "Why do you think they leave him alone?"

"I don't know!" I practically growl. "It's not like he's any less approachable than I am! We're both huge assholes."

Gaku smiles somewhat wearily. "I don't think you're an asshole."

"I kind of am," I murmur.

It's fucking true. I've resigned to that fact. Even Naruto says it.

"Well, why do you think so?" Gaku asks.

"I don't know," I admit. "I just act horrible all the time. I get so defensive over the dumbest shit. I just go crazy."

This actually feels all right. Today is going a lot better than I thought it would. It feels okay to talk to him. It doesn't feel that weird, either. I just hope Hiro doesn't find out. If he does, he'll probably do something insane.

Gaku turns his head and gazes out the window, looking contemplative. A moment later, he turns back to me and says somewhat delicately, "Do you think maybe Naruto wanting you and Sasuke to be closer is also partly because he knows you both work so hard to keep these walls up?"

"Probably," I scoff, "He's like, obsessed with getting people to open up to him. He wants to know all their secrets. I wouldn't be shocked if he even just wants us to talk so that he can get more information about both of us."

"Do you really think Naruto would do something like that?" he questions, "If so, that's very manipulative."

I can't help but roll my eyes at that. "Ugh, no, I guess not," I admit. "He's not manipulative—I'm just annoyed right now."

I shouldn't be talking about Naruto like that. He isn't manipulative at all. He's good. He's nice. He's just too impatient when it comes to this shit, so he nags. He doesn't come up with sneaky plans, though. He just nags.

"He knows everything about me now," I admit. "Everything that matters, at least."

I try to think of something Naruto DOESN'T know, but I can't. Maybe there's something stupid, like I used to wet the bed or some shit… but that stuff doesn't really matter. Not now, at least.

"Does that bother you?" Gaku asks.

"Sometimes," I confess. "I'm not used to people knowing things about me, especially the things I used to try hard to conceal. I never really had a best friend before Naruto came along and he's the kind of guy who really likes being all open and vulnerable with people."

"Mmm," he hums, "it makes sense that that's difficult for you. That's difficult for most people even, but your parents especially didn't always encourage you to be open about certain things."

"You can say again," I bite out, "my mom is a crazy fucking bitch."

Gaku looks uncomfortable, like he wants to avoid trash-talking his brother's wife, but I honestly couldn't care less.

"You know she went through all my shit," I decide to tell him, "she raided my fucking room and ordered my phone records so she could see what I was saying to people. That's why I moved out. That's why she knew I was sleeping with Naruto."

Gaku frowns. "Yeah, that wasn't right of her."

"No shit," I mutter. "She's insane."

I don't know if things will EVER be okay with me and my parents. Too much shit has happened and too much time has passed. Nothing has been resolved. I don't think my mother is capable of admitting she fucked up and maybe that's a trait she passed down to me, but I didn't royally fuck up someone's life the way she fucked up mine.

GOD, thinking about it gets me SO riled up I could scream.

"She has some control issues, that's for sure," Gaku says and that's probably the closest he'll come to saying anything against her.

"I'll fucking say," I mumble.

The fact that Gaku obvious disagrees with most of the crap my mom does makes me wonder where the fuck he has been most my life. Why did he let Hiro get away with that shit when we were younger? Why did he let him keep tormenting me? Why didn't he have him, like, fucking committed or something to get him far the fuck away from me?

It also makes me wonder what he was thinking when he and his family would come over, or invite my family over. Did he also believe we could just will all the bad feelings away if we spent enough time together, or did my mom just bully him like she does my dad? What made him come to his senses?

"Why do you want to patch things up with me?" I ask him. "Why now? Why not five years ago? Ten years ago?"

He lets out a long, weary sigh. "I didn't know how badly you were affected. Your mother played things down. We thought you were doing all right, but then I saw you weren't."

"The barbeque," I murmur in recollection.I let out a bitter laugh and say, "My mom was so mad at me."

GOD, that was a humiliating day.

"They kept apologizing to me," Gaku continues. "I didn't think that was right."

"They always worry about what people will think about them," I say tersely. "They don't really worry about me."

"Did Hiro _try_ anything that day?" Gaku asks.

I grimace and the thought makes me want to fucking barf. "No…! It wasn't like that. He was just being an asshole…"

He lets out a relieved sigh. I wonder what everyone would do if Hiro DID try to fuck with me again like he did when we were kids. My mom would probably tell me to get over it.

I don't think he would do that, though. It's not even like what we were doing was for sexual gratification. I don't really know what it was all about. Hiro never told me. I wonder what he'd say if I asked him again…

"You should have put Hiro away a long time ago," I mumble.

"No parent wants to do that to their child, no matter what awful things they did," he replies softly.

"He has no fucking soul," I bite out. "He's empty. When he looks at me, I can tell he has no conscience. No empathy. There's nothing inside."

Gaku looks disheartened, but he probably knows I'm fucking right.

"A while ago he told me some old perv molested him," I decide to add. "So, I felt bad and I let him into the house."

Gaku visibly tenses. "That's right," he confirms tersely, "his coach."

"Yeah, well, he used it to guilt me into letting him into my fucking life again." I scowl. "He told me and then acted like I was a fucking baby for being upset over something like that."

"I'm so sorry that happened," he apologizes, seeming deeply disturbed. "It's inappropriate for him to be approaching you at all, especially with information like that."

"I know that!" I snap, feeling humiliated that I bought into it at the time, "But he still does! I asked him why the fuck he would do something like that to me if he knows how horrible it is and he always just repeats the same thing—that I'm his favorite cousin—as if I have any idea what that fucking means!"

Gaku steeples his fingers and his brows knit together. "Sometimes I wonder if he sees it as a bad thing. He doesn't talk about it like it hurts him. He's very factual when he talks about it."

"So, what?" I scoff. "It's some fond memory?"

Disgusting.

"I don't know," Gaku murmurs.

"Even if he denies it, it DID fuck him up," I retort. "If that didn't happen to him, then he probably wouldn't have done it to me."

Gaku nods his head. "You're right."

"I know!" I exclaim, getting more and more worked up. I take a breath and force myself to calm down. I am probably going to start attracting unwanted attention if I start hollering. This is NOT a conversation I want people eavesdropping on. "I just… I want to know why he really did it. I want a reason that doesn't revolve around me being his favourite. That doesn't give me an answer. All I can do is speculate."

But maybe Gaku is right. Maybe Hiro doesn't see it as wrong. Then again, maybe he knows and just doesn't care. I don't know. I doubt he'll ever let me know.

"I want him to tell me if it was something about me specifically or if it wasn't me if it would have been someone else," I continue, "and if it was specifically me, what about me?"

Gaku sighs heavily through his nose. "Honestly," he says, finishing what is left of his own coffee, "I don't know if you're ever going to find what you're looking for from him. I don't know if he's capable of giving you an answer."

"Did you ever talk to him about it after you found out?" I ask, "Did he ever give you a reason why?"

"Of course I talked to him about it," he tells me, looking surprised that I could even think something like that. "Your aunt and I grilled him for months about it. He would never tell us anything either, though."

"So, the guy never went to prison?" I wonder.

Gaku shakes his head. "By the time we found out, the sick bastard left the state. Who the fuck knows where he is now? Apparently his information was falsified as well, so there was no way to track him."

I scoff at that. "Typical."

I fucking hate shit like this. I hate how often it happens. I hate that there is hardly ever any justice. It makes me sick.

"How'd you find out what happened, then?" I wonder.

"The way Hiro was acting," Gaku says vaguely. "The signs were clear as day, so my wife and I asked him about it. Then we took him to a doctor."

"Oh," I mumble.

It's uncomfortable to think about, let alone talk about.

"What was he doing?" I ask. "I mean… what behaviours made you realize something happened to him?"

I wonder if I ever exhibited behaviours like that? If so, my parents must have had their heads too far up their asses to notice something was wrong.

For a moment, Gaku looks unsure, like he's almost wary to tell me. "He was acting facetiously mature, he got bored of having friends his own age, he would touch himself at inappropriate times and it grew excessive –" he starts, but I realize I don't want to hear anymore. I literally can't.

I can literally feel vomit in my throat. No. I never showed signs like that. I just wet the bed a lot.

"Actually, never mind," I cut him off. "I don't want to know what else…"

Gaku simply nods his head.

"Did I ever have things like that?" I ask somewhat anxiously, "Behaviors that made you realize something was wrong?"

He looks thoughtful for a moment, and it's unclear if he's trying to remember or if he's trying to decide how much he wants to tell me.

"When we first discovered what had happened, I spent a lot of time trying to think back and piece things together," he starts, "Now that I have all of the facts, there were some signs that I think your parents were too quick to chalk up to you being poorly disciplined."

"—Like?" I question.

"You were a very happy child," Gaku explains, "you didn't cry and you didn't fuss. It was always delightful to have you over because you were so much less difficult than our own son. Then somewhere along the way you started to throw these fits. You would refuse to eat and were extremely averse to being touched."

"Oh," I respond flatly.

"There were a number of things," he admits, looking like he feels guilty, "I wish one of us had noticed."

I feel like someone should have noticed. Behaviours like that often have a cause and don't typically show up out of the blue. No one paid enough attention.

It was a bad time in my life - the years during it and the years right after it ended. I don't really talk about it or think about it. I used to do things to myself, though. I would hurt myself when I was a kid and I would hurt myself as a teenager and maybe I'm still hurting myself, just in other ways than with sharp objects.

It sounds stupid. I have scars, but they are the type you wouldn't really notice unless you knew what to look for. By now, they are pretty faded. I doubt Naruto picked up on it all the times we've messed around. If he did, I know he would have said something right away. It's not possible for him to push curiosity aside, especially with shit like that.

"As you got older there were other things your mother shared with us," Gaku continues. He seems like he feels uncomfortable but I bet I feel worse.

"Wow, so surprising." I say sarcastically. For how concerned she was with keeping the rest of the world out of our business, she sure was fucking gossipy with the entirety of our extended family.

"When you were about sixteen she mentioned to us that she had been finding blood on some towels," he says, obviously trying his best to tread lightly, "and that there was a potential you were hurting yourself."

Ugh. We are so far past speaking delicately. This whole conversation has already gotten so graphic that I don't even see the point in trying to keep g-rated anymore.

"Yeah, I would cut myself," I say bluntly, "that's why we didn't have any fucking locks in the house and my parents were always running after me every time I left the goddamn room."

Gaku stares at me sadly, "You can understand why your parents were concerned, can't you?"

"I mean, yeah, I guess!" I exclaim. "They went about it in the completely wrong way though!"

My mom didn't act sympathetic. She just got angry. To confirm her suspicions she grabbed my arm and rolled up my sleeves and then she got mad at the damage. I hated her so much in that moment. I've hated her too many times.

She made me promise not to do it anymore, but I still did. I just stopped harming in places she could see.

I eventually did stop, though. I don't really want to start that again. It was a really low and shameful time in my life.

"Yeah," Gaku murmurs. "She went about a lot of things in the wrong way."

"Yeah, she did," I bite out. "Sometimes I think she hated me all along. If she loves me, why would she have done all that awful shit?"

I don't know what possible justification there could be.

"No…" Gaku insists, "Of course she loves you."

"I literally don't even see how that's possible." I spit back at him, crossing my arms and slumping back in my chair.

"Tsume wasn't equipped to deal with what was happening and she made the wrong decisions," he reasons, "that doesn't make up for the fact that her choices ultimately made things harder for you, but she was always trying to protect you. She just didn't know how to ask for help—none of us did—and that was what we all really needed as a family."

"She was always mad at me!" I hiss, "She acted like the whole damn thing was my fault!"

I'm shouting, but I don't really care if people stare at me anymore.

This is so stupid.

I have NEVER felt love from her. Even before all of this shit happened she was so controlling. She wanted me to be a specific person and her plans got ruined when Hiro did what he did. Things got worse after that. It's like she went fucking crazy. GOD.

"She made mistakes," Gaku reiterates.

"Then she needs to apologize to me," I seethe.

If not, then I'll never forgive her. I fucking can't.

But truly, I can't see her taking responsibility for the things she did. She's not that type of person. She can't admit she fucked up.

At that, Gaku seems to drop the subject. I think he knows I'm right. I'm never going to get the closure from her that I want.

I wonder if even he likes my mother. She walks all over my father and if I had a sibling married to someone as controlling as her I would be concerned. I feel like she's the source of a lot of drama for all of us.

"I know that our family has let you down," Gaku tells me sadly.

I laugh bitterly at that. "Yeah," I agree, "this is the nicest thing I've done with someone related to me for as long as I can remember and it's still fucking traumatic."

Gaku nods his head, looking incredibly piteous towards me. I hate it, but I don't tell him to stop. He probably doesn't know what other expression to put on. I mean, most people wouldn't.

"If you ever want to, we can do this again," he decides to say.

"Yeah," I murmur. "Yeah… maybe. I think I'd like that."

I think.

Honestly, I feel like I'm really hungry for this kind of familial attention. It's something I'm not used to and I don't really know what to do with it. It makes me feel weird – weird in a good way, but still weird. It makes me feel kind of bitter at the same time. It makes me think about all these what-ifs.

"Do you want me to drive you home?" Gaku offers, standing up from the table and collecting our coffee mugs. "Did you take the bus?"

"No thanks, I brought my car," I say, following suit.

We leave the cafe and Gaku walks me to where I parked. "I'll wait for you to contact me," he tells me, putting the ball fully in my court.

"Okay," I agree, although I can't promise how long that may be from now, if ever.

With that, I tell him goodbye. I also tell him thanks, but it feels like honestly he should be thanking me for being open to something like this. No matter how nice he was being, it still feels a little like he's trying to clear his conscience.

"See you, Kiba," he says.

I nod and get into my car, driving off and heading towards the direction of the apartment I share with Naruto.

I feel pretty tired. I think it's mostly a mental thing, though. I didn't expect any of this to happen, but I guess I am glad it did. I feel like a lot of ground was covered. I still kind of wish my mom and dad would talk to me like this, though. It feels like a pipe dream at this point – something totally unattainable and unrealistic.

Whatever, I guess. There's no use dwelling or wishing or being pointlessly hopefully. Things aren't going to change. I'll probably never talk to my parents again. I need to come to terms with that… but until then, I'll push it all aside because that's what I always fucking do.


	26. Chapter 26: Sasuke

SASUKE'S POV:

The past week has been weird. Naruto and I have had a lot to hash out and none of it has been fun.

Last Saturday, what was my attempt at opening up to Kiba turned into a complete and utter shit show. Honestly, I'm still irked at Naruto for putting me in that position. It's not that surprising that Kiba responded so poorly and I feel like I was sort of set up to fail.

I can understand why Naruto wouldn't want to give me details, but it would have been helpful to at least have an idea of the can of worms I was opening before he asked me to dive head first into it.

I didn't expect Kiba to have gone through something like that. I thought it would have been something more similar to my situation, but there's a huge difference. I don't want to compare our problems or say one is worse than the other, but I can understand why he got so angry. Clearly, it's not something he wants to talk about—at all.

For me, I feel like the more I say it the easier it gets to talk about. I've told Karin. I've told my brother. I've told Naruto. Now Kiba knows, too, I suppose.

Naruto felt bad about the whole thing, but he's still adamant about the fact that he thinks me and Kiba should talk about it. I don't think that will EVER happen, though – not after seeing the way he reacted when I approached it so tentatively. I tried, honestly. I really did.

I wish it had gone better, although not really for my own sake. It's obvious that Kiba is still extremely fucked up over this and that he really needs someone to talk to, even if that person isn't me. I guess now at the very least I can better understand why Naruto is always so worried about him.

I still don't know all the details—just what came out in the moment and what Naruto was willing to confirm later when I asked him directly about it.

" _His cousin fucked around with him?"_ I asked the next morning when we had finally left the apartment. Naruto nodded solemnly. " _The same one who broke your nose?"_ Another nod.

Well, I guess now I know why they were fighting.

I can't deny that I feel bad for Kiba, though I know he'd fucking HATE knowing that – especially because of how much he hates me.

I don't really know why he hates me so much. I've never hated him like that. Sure, I thought he was stupid and annoying, but I was never so outwardly foul to him like he is to me. I was an asshole in general, not just to any singular person.

I don't really know if I can remedy this situation. Kiba probably hates me more than ever now and I can't see that going away after the past weekend's events.

I probably need to let things sit for a while. So, I will do that.

Right now, I'm on my way to meet Karin, Suigetsu and Jugo. I haven't seen them in a while – especially Suigetsu and Jugo. I haven't seen those two since I ditched school.

We decided to meet at some restaurant Karin picked. The name wasn't familiar, so I don't know what to expect, but I'm sure she wouldn't drag us somewhere shitty.

When I finally arrive, it's a hole-in-the-wall sort of joint that I don't really know how to make heads or tails of. It's dimly lit and filled with eccentric, Victorian-looking furniture that doesn't seem appropriate for a restaurant. Looking around, I can't even figure out what sort of food they serve.

"Sasuke! Over here!" Comes a forced whisper from the room adjacent to the front door. Peering in, I spot Karin, Suigetsu, and Jugo leaning back in what appear to be lounge chairs around a tiny table.

"Good to see ya buddy!" Suigetsu jeers as I approach and take a seat with them, "Way to drop off the face of the earth."

"Good to see you too," I nod.

"I know the vibe of this place is weird—" Karin justifies because I even have the chance to question her choice of eateries, "—but I came on a date here last week and the food is actually really good. They do fondue and stuff."

"Fancy," Suigetsu comments.

It strikes me as a fucking odd place to take a date, but whatever. I continue glancing around, trying to take as much in as I can, but the place is dim. The entire atmosphere reminds me of something from a vampire film. This should be interesting, to say the least. Naruto would probably get a kick out of this place. If I like it enough, maybe I'll bring him here.

"Hey," Karin says, getting my attention. She taps my menu and then adds, "Take a look."

I do so, opening it up and beginning to read the meals and their descriptors. I don't really know what I feel like eating, though.

I end up ordering a slice of quiche. It's small and light and they advertise it on the menu as made every day. There's little more appealing than fresh, savory pie.

"So," I address Karin after the waitress takes our orders, "who showed you this place?"

"Just a girl I've been seeing." She replies somewhat quickly.

"Can I ask who?" I press for an answer. There's no point in her trying to hide it really, we'll all end up finding out eventually.

"Well, it's not very serious yet." Karin explains, "So don't go making a big deal out of it you guys…"

Suigetsu crosses his hear and Jugo nods silently in agreement. I just stare back at Karin, waiting for her to finish. She knows I'm the last person in the world to spread gossip.

"Sakura?" I venture knowingly. This definitely seems like the kind of place she would like.

"Yeah," Karin confirms in a mumble.

"Your cousin's ex," I say with a snort. Karin opens her mouth, but then she closes it and squints at me like she's telling me to shut up. I just smile at her and then add, "You should tell Naruto if it does get serious."

"I will," she promises. "You don't need to worry about that. Honestly, though, he probably knows it's coming."

"He does," I tell her. "He's pretty much just waiting for you guys to confirm it."

She chuckles at that. "Oh, great."

"So, is that what you've been up to lately?" I pry. "Dates with Sakura?"

"I suppose so," she confirms.

"Enough about that," Suigetsu interjects. "What have YOU been doing? I haven't seen you in months! Where the fuck have you been?"

"I got busy." I roll my eyes, mirroring his tone with one laced in sarcasm.

"Busy my ass," he snorts, "you fucking dropped out of school. Busy with what?"

I give Karin a look that says THIS is why I've been avoiding everyone. I don't want to be forced to explain myself every time someone feels like they deserve it just because they're being nosy.

"Suigetsu, don't give him a hard time." Karin says, doing her best to back me up.

"I've been figuring some stuff out." I answer vaguely, "Last semester went poorly and I'm trying to make sure I'm in good shape before I come back."

"Okay well this is the first I'm hearing of that!" He exclaims, "You could keep us in the loop you know!"

"Well, it's none of your fucking business," I retort.

He scoffs. "I'm one of your best friends, though!"

"So?" I ask.

He looks annoyed that I'm not satisfied with his reasoning. "SO, you should talk to me! And Jugo," he adds, gesturing to Jugo who is sitting across the table. Jugo has been silent during the duration of this exchange. I guess he doesn't care as much as Suigetsu… though 'care' is a loose word. Maybe he's mostly just nosy. "Come oooon…!" he moans.

For fuck's sake, he's annoying. He can't let shit GO.

"It's private and I don't owe you any answers," I reiterate.

"I know!" he exclaims. "That's not what I'm saying! I just want to know what the fuck happened to cause you to quit school? Why did your semester suck?"

"Because I got fucking raped! Okay?" I sharply inform him. I emit an incredibly forced laugh and ask him, "There you fucking go. Satisfied now?"

For a moment, everyone is silent. Suigetsu seems to be processing my words and Karin looks absolutely mortified.

"What?" Suigestsu eventually scoffs, apparently finding his voice again, "Are you fucking messing with me?"

"Do you think I would fucking make that up?" I shoot back, "Fuck no I'm not messing with you!"

With that, he seems to shut up. Of course he doesn't know how to respond.

"Is that what happened in January?" Jugo asks, piecing it together so that I don't have to, "When you weren't feeling well and couldn't remember?"

I nod, confirming his conclusion.

"Ugh, god," Suigetsu moans, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to stir that shit up."

"I'm not going to tell you it's okay—" I snap at him, "—it's not and you should feel bad about it!"

"I do feel bad," he mumbles sheepishly.

"Good," I reply bitterly, shifting uncomfortably.

"Suigetsu, you're such an idiot," Karin says with exasperation.

He does look pretty guilty, which kind of gives me a sense of satisfaction. I doubt he thought something like this was the reason I kept flaking out on class. No one ever assumes it's a thing like this because it's just too shitty to even consider.

Well, now he knows. Now they all fucking know.

"This probably goes without saying," I start, "but do NOT fucking tell anyone."

"We won't," Jugo assures me.

"Yeah," Suigetsu agrees. "We won't." He glances at me and then Karin and asks, "So, I take it you already knew?"

"She's the first person I told," I admit.

Suigetsu looks annoyed at that, but he doesn't complain out loud. He probably knows he has absolutely no right.

Truthfully, the way Karin brought up the conversation wasn't all that great, either… but it was still better than Suigetsu. He's tactless as hell. Even now, it's like he has no idea what the hell to say. It's making me uncomfortable.

"Do you want us to change the subject?" Jugo asks.

"I don't care," I mutter.

But I do care. I just… I don't fucking know.

"Weren't we all there that night?" Suigetsu exclaims, sounding distraught, "How is it that I'm just hearing about this for the first time right now? Was there someone creepin' around on you that somehow none of us noticed?"

"I don't know," I tell him simply, "I still don't remember most of what happened. I got drugged."

"Oh, great. Awesome!" He scoffs, indicating to Jugo and Karin, "You're telling me none of us could tell that he had been fucking roofied?"

"Stop it," I say, cutting him off, "Stop making it about you."

"I'm just frustrated!" He justifies, "I should have been there for you!"

"I don't know what to say," I respond curtly, "I don't want to have to comfort you. It happened. It's done."

He looks so pissed off. Not at me, just at what happened... and I get it, but I don't want to have to reassure him when I'm the one who was victimized and violated.

I tense up and add, "I'll be fine."

What a joke, though.

Karin looks piteous as hell. They all do. They know I'm just trying to make it into less of an ordeal because I don't want them to think I'm unstable. I am, though. I have times where I feel totally fine, but then it all hits me again. I just want to be back to my regular self.

I feel like I probably should go to therapy. Or the library. Then I can just rent a book on how to cope without having to share it all with some stranger who I have to pay. Naruto would suggest therapy, though. I know it.

A moment later, our food arrives. I don't feel like talking about this anymore, so I focus on picking at my dinner instead. It's unfortunate because I can't really enjoy it. I feel too shitty.

"So what you've been doing these past months is like…recovering from that?" Suigetsu asks once we're about halfway through the meal and I've throughly crumbled my quiche all over the plate.

"Recovering is a loose term." I reply bitterly, "My dad has been riding my ass about taking time off. I'm trying to focus on myself but it's hard because I'm always so stressed out about what he thinks of me."

"Yeah, fuck," he nods, "your dad is a real ball-buster."

"I'll fucking say," I mutter.

I doubt he will ever stop. Maybe I should just fucking tell him. It would be so priceless to see his face if I spit out something like that in the midst of him yelling at me. I wonder if he would feel bad. Or maybe he would just be surprised that I let something like this happen.

Karin pats my arm and gives a gentle squeeze. I kind of want to shake her off, but I don't.

Whatever.

The food is good, at least.

I should tell Naruto about this place. I doubt he has been here. It isn't exactly his typical scene, but I think he would definitely like it.

Speaking of Naruto, I should probably tell these assholes that he and I are together. We haven't exactly been private about it and they'd probably lose their shit if they heard it from anyone but me.

"Well, since tonight seems to be 'learn all about Sasuke' night," I mutter snarkily, "right now might be a good time to tell you guys that Naruto and I are dating."

Suigetsu's jaw literally drops. He might even look more surprised at this confession than the last one.

"What the actual fuck!?" He sputters, "Who are you even!?"

Karin lets out a laugh. "So did he finally decide to stop being an asshole?"

I crack a smile a that. "Yeah," I nod, "Then we made things official just a little while ago."

"Awwww," she says in a long coo. "Well, I'm glad! You guys will be great together. You totally even one another out."

"Huh," Jugo murmurs thoughtfully. "I didn't really see it coming, but I'm not surprised."

"I am!" Suigetsu interjects. "Last time I checked, you hated him!"

"I never really hated him," I explain. "I just thought he was dumb and annoying and jocky… but he's not. I mean… he CAN be those things at times, but I guess I don't really mind it. I like him a lot."

Karin is smiling. "Sounds like it. I'm really glad. This is your first relationship, huh?"

"Yeah," I confirm.

"So, like… you're gay?" Suigetsu asks, still looking like he's trying to piece things together. By the look on his face, you'd think he was trying to solve a difficult math equation.

"Well… yes," I tell him.

I guess everyone here knew that except for him. Well, now they are totally in the loop.

"Fucking hell," he huffs, leaning back in his chair, "just keep me in the dark about everything why don't cha'?"

"Don't act like I'm obligated to tell you things," I scowl, "besides, I'm telling you now aren't I?"

With that, Suigetsu thankfully mostly drops it, although knowing him I'm sure it will come back up again later. He's not particularly sensitive about this sort of thing, so it's hard to tell if he's genuinely hurt or just annoyed to be the last one to get the gossip.

"I can't believe we're going to be like… Eskimo siblings once removed." Karin jokes, "I want to talk to Naruto about it but I guess I should probably wait for him to tell me he's into guys since he hasn't yet."

"Oh, I told him that you know." I pipe up, "He said he doesn't mind so…you could probably talk to him at any point."

"Okay," she says with a laugh. "That makes things easier."

I nod my head at that.

"So, are you ever coming back to school?" Suigetsu asks, cutting in again.

"Next year, probably," I say.

"What are you going to do in the meantime?" he pries.

"Fuck, I don't know," I reply, getting annoyed at how pushy he's being. "I might try to get a part time job so I'm not completely wasting my time."

I need to check things out and see who is hiring. All I know is that I'm not going to work at a fast food joint. The smell alone makes me nauseous and I think my parents would literally die of shame if I started working at a place like that.

"Any ideas?" Karin asks.

"Not really…" I admit. "Just something clean."

"I think the public library downtown is hiring for circulation," she says. "You could also apply at the pharmacies, dollar stores, shit like that."

It all sounds so fucking tragic.

I wish I could find something respectable but without a degree that would be a fucking miracle. I wonder if I would be able to get something like an internship if I said I was a college student taking some time off. People tend to be more open to hiring you for that sort of stuff if they know you're in school.

"I want to try to explore some of my interests that I've been neglecting because of my pre-law classes." I tell her, "I feel like this is going to be the only chance I'll ever get to do it."

"You know you don't have to go into law…" Karin says, although I can tell she knows she won't get far with that argument.

"You sound just like Naruto now," I say in an instant, proving her right.

She smiles slightly. "Yeah? Well, maybe we have a point, then."

"Yeah," I murmur. "I don't know. It's all I ever really wanted because it was what my parents kind of pushed me towards. Honestly, I thought I wanted it… Sometimes I still think I want it, but I'm also not entirely sure anymore."

She nods her head. "Then it's good you are going to explore your interests a bit."

"Art, history…" I list with a shrug. "Things like that – things my parents think are less important for me."

"The school has an art gallery," Suigetsu pipes in.

"I know," I say. "I never really visited it, though… I never felt like I had time."

"It's pretty cool." Karin recalls, "Naruto's old roommate Sai always has tons of work hanging in there. He does this like, traditional Japanese style. He's probably the best out of the entire student body and I guess the school wants to show him off to potential donors."

"That's neat," I comment, "I wonder if they would be willing to hire me there."

"They might," she shrugs, "I'm not sure how high the demand is but you have more time available during the day than other students would, so that will probably work in your favor."

I'll have to look into that. It sounds exciting, which is more than I can say for most things in my life at the moment.

"True," I contemplate.

I feel like this is the last thing my parents have in mind for me, but I don't really care anymore. I need to do what makes me feel the best and I can't see it being law. Thinking about the fact that everyone in my family has probably defended a rapist fucking destroys me. I would never be able to take on cases like that. It just makes me wonder how many rapists they've let walk. They're all REALLY good lawyers, so the number is probably up there.

Whatever, though. It's their job, right? I can't blame them for it…

We continue to eat and talk about shit. Most of the conversations continue to revolve around me, but I don't really care. At least we're not talking about me getting raped anymore.

Afterwards, they invite me to head down to a bar with them, but I'm not really up for it. So, I tell them I'll talk to them soon and we part ways for the evening.

.

.

The following Monday I wake up early. My plan is to make my way around town today and see what sorts of places are hiring. I don't really care if it's full-time, part-time, temp work, or whatever. I just need something to fill my days right now so I'm not just lounging around wasting my life away at home.

I leave around 8 AM, before anyone else has the chance to get up and bother me. I'm pretty sure my dad would take me getting a job as a sign that I'm giving up on school, and I really, really don't want to listen to that lecture right now. I would rather get the whole thing set up on my own and fill my family in later.

They don't need to know yet. It'll only cause trouble. I'm going to ry and put it off for as long as I can.

I printed off some resumes last night. I have a decent looking resume. I've never worked before, but I've done a lot of extracurricular and volunteer work. Hopefully it will get me something, even if it's something somewhat shitty.

I bus into town and start wandering the streets. I don't really know where I should look. Karin said I should check out the library. When does the library even open? Probably not this early…

I let out a sigh and take my phone out, checking the time. It's nearing 9AM. Still early. I click the internet icon and check the library hours. They open at 10. So, I've got time to spare.

I decide to walk to a café first. I buy a muffin and I get a small cup of coffee to help wake me up a little bit more. Then I decide to walk to the library.

When I get there, I stop outside to look at the neighborhood bulletin board because sometimes there are job postings there. Today, I'm lucky. There's something up from a dog day-care place and a local pharmacy. I wouldn't mind either of those jobs too much.

I take down the addresses of the businesses in my phone and head into the library, walking up to the circulation desk.

"Hi," I say somewhat sheepishly to the older lady sitting behind the counter, "are you guys hiring anybody right now?"

She glances up from the book she is reading and smiles. "Oh no sweetie I'm sorry. We filled our last open position a few weeks ago."

Ugh, this might be harder than I thought.

"That's okay." I tell her, "Could I leave my resume with you anyway?"

"Certainly!" She says, and I pull one out of a folder I'm carrying and hand it to her.

She accepts it with a smile and I thank her before heading out. This sucks. Where else can I apply to without any qualifications? I walk down the street and as I pass the liquor store I realize that I could probably apply there. I don't really know anything about this kind of job, but it never hurts to go in and ask.

I open the door and walk inside. I'm immediately greeted by a cashier. I approach her and then I say, "Hi, is there a manager around?"

"He stepped out," she informs me politely.

"Oh," I respond, "Well, do you know if you'll be hiring any time soon?"

"Probably, actually! We usually hire after summer for the winter season."

I nod my head and pull out a resume. "Is there an application I need to fill out or anything?"

"No, no application."

"Then can I leave this with you?" I ask, holding up my resume.

"Yep! I'll give it to the manager when he gets back."

Awesome, okay, well that's hopeful at least. I'm glad there are some places that actually have positions opening up.

After I leave I pull out my phone and use the map application to get myself to the dog place and the pharmacy. They're on pretty opposite parts of town, so by the time I make it to each of them, it's nearing 1 o'clock.

As I try to figure out how to make my way back home, I realize that I'm actually pretty close to campus. Then I remember what Karin said about the gallery. Maybe I should see if they're hiring too?

I walk a few blocks and end up near our science building. It's weird how you can live in a city for your whole life and still not realize neighborhoods' proximity to one another.

Maybe it would help if I drove more, but I don't have a car. My parents never wanted to get me one. They never got Itachi one, either, though. I guess this is one thing they wanted us to do on our own and… I haven't yet.

When I get to the school, I get a bit nervous. But Naruto said the guy who assaulted me looked older, so maybe he graduated by now?

I try not to think about it. I stare straight ahead and move towards the direction of the gallery. When I'm inside, I am greeted with walls of odd looking paintings done by students. They're all dreamy and abstract. Maybe there was some sort of theme. I don't know. I would take a closer look, but I mostly just want to get this over with so I can go home.

Up at the front desk I find a somewhat disinterested looking student doing their homework beside an older man who appears to frantically be calculating things out on a tax form.

"Hello," I greet them, and the man looks up. The student continues to ignore me.

"Oh hello!" he says, sounding somewhat disheveled, "What can I do for you?"

"My name is Sasuke," I tell him, trying to stand up straight and look professional, "I was wondering if maybe you have any hours available here? I'm a student but I'm taking a semester off and was looking for work."

"Ah," he nods thoughtfully, "well, I don't have anything available right now but leave me a copy of your resume and I'll call you in for an interview if something comes available."

"Thank you so much," I say, although truthfully I feel a little disheartened. I wonder if this guy is the one holding up the position.

Whatever.

I hand him a copy of my resume, thank him and then leave the gallery. Hopefully I will at least get a call back from one of these places. I do feel good that I'm being proactive, though.

I sit on a bench in the hallway and I pull my phone out again, deciding to shoot Naruto a message asking him if he's finished class yet. I want to see him. Today has been annoying so far and seeing him will make all the trips seem worth it.

A few minutes later he texts me back saying he will be done in a half an hour. I tell him I'm at the school and that I'll wait for him by the coffee cart outside.

I head over there and order myself some tea. Then I position myself out of the way of the rest of the students who are waiting to get their after-class drinks.

It's awkward being here. It makes me uncomfortable. I feel like everyone is watching me and knows why I'm not in school this semester even though it's literally impossible.

After I've been waiting about twenty minutes, Kiba shows up. Great.

He orders his drink and then while he's waiting for it to be made by the barista, he spots me.

"What are you doing on campus?" He asks, giving me a funny look.

"Uh, I applied for a job," I explain, "Now I'm waiting for Naruto."

"Oh," he looks sour, "me too."

I nod my head slowly. I guess they finish class at the same time this day of the week. They probably head home together.

We stand awkwardly for a few more minutes until Naruto shows up. "Hey, hey," he greets us, waving. When he's close enough, he pecks me on the lips. Kiba looks uncomfortable. Whatever, though. "What're you guys doing?"

"Waiting for you," Kiba answers. He sounds like he's trying hard not to be rude.

"Wanna head home, then?" Naruto asks us.

"Yes," Kiba says

"Want coffee or anything first?" Naruto asks me.

"I'm fine," I say. "I had coffee this morning. We can leave."

"All righty," he says, digging his keys out of his pocket. "Let's go."

We all walk to the parking lot and towards where his car is parked.

"So, whatcha doing at school?" Naruto asks me. "I was surprised!"

"I applied for a job," I tell him. "At the gallery."

"Oh, awesome!" He exclaims, followed by a little chuckle, "I alway forget we even have a gallery."

"Me too." I admit, "Karin reminded me kind of recently and I figured I would see if they were hiring. They weren't, but they took my resume so it wasn't a total waste of time."

"You just walked all the way over here?" He asks, "From your parents' house?"

"I got up early," I tell him, "I've been pretty much walking around all day."

Naruto looks totally mystified. He drives his car all over the place so he probably doesn't have a good concept of how long it takes to get from one side of town to the other.

"Like 6-ish hours." I explain.

"Oh wow," he laughs, "Okay, well let's go home and get some lunch then."

Kiba keeps his mouth clamped shut throughout the entire conversation. He's probably trying to keep himself from saying something stupid. Or maybe he just feels awkward. I don't know. The whole situation is fucking ridiculous.

So, we all pile into the car. Kiba lets me have the passenger seat, which is weirdly civil of him. I ask Naruto about class as we pull out of the parking lot. He tells me what's been going on, what he's been learning about. He sounds bored about it, but I guess that's not surprising. He hates school. Maybe he just hasn't found his passion yet? I don't know.

At least he's in school. He's doing a hell of a lot more than I am with his life.

Soon enough, we're at his apartment. When he parks, we all get into the building. Kiba immediately locks himself in his room when we're upstairs. Naruto doesn't mention it, he just shrugs at me when I give him a weird look.

I still can't believe that Naruto thought Kiba and I would be able to get through a conversation like that without ending up at one another's throats. What was he expecting? For Kiba to give me some sort of teary confession and then for us to be best friends? Of course he freaked out! I understand that Naruto's heart was in the right place but I shouldn't have given him the benefit of the doubt because now I'm kicking myself for it.

"Let's make some food," he suggests, obviously steering clear of the conversation that I want to have with him.

"Alright," I concede, following him into the kitchen.

I help him make some pasta salad dish. He makes it all from scratch, even the sauce, which is impressive. I mostly just do what he tells me to because I'm not great in the kitchen. I can do the basics, but with stuff like this I'm at a total loss.

"Naruto –" I start, saying his name.

"We can talk about it later," he says. I guess he knew what I was about to bring up by the tone of my voice.

"Okay," I relent in a quiet murmur.

I want to talk to him about a lot of things, actually… but it can wait. This is fine for now.

When the food is done, Naruto disappears to knock on Kiba's door and tell him to come out. After a minute, they both reappear.

Their relationship seems kind of messed up to me. I'm sure it seems that way to them too, but it's been especially weird to watch them go from being literally up one another's asses to barely speaking. The shift is uncanny.

While we sit and eat, Naruto makes an effort to include Kiba in the conversation but he doesn't really take the bait. I can't help wonder if he thinks the things Naruto brings up are mundane because when the three of us are together, Naruto seems to get stuck in a loop talking about pointless shit. It's not his fault though—he isn't usually like that—he's just trying to fill up the awkward silence. Besides, it's not like we can bring up the topics that are actually on everyones' mind. It's not good table conversation.

Naruto talks about next week's weather forecast and I can't help but roll my fucking eyes. He doesn't catch it, but Kiba does and he sneers down into his plate. Then he stands up and says, "I'm full."

"You ate, like, nothing…" Naruto points out. "Did you not like it?"

"It's good," Kiba says, "I'm just not hungry. I'll wrap it up and eat it later."

Naruto looks unsure, but he doesn't say anything to protest. "All right…"

So, Kiba wraps his plate up and puts it in the fridge before heading back into his room. I glance at Naruto again and he sighs. "What?"

"You know what," I retort.

"We'll talk after we eat," Naruto says. "I promise. We can talk about whatever you want."

Ugh. I don't think I can handle talking about the damn weather for even one more second.

"Fine." I reply bitterly and I think he can tell that I'm annoyed.

"I know, I know," he lets out a heavy sigh, "we just shouldn't talk about it here, okay? Unless you want a blow up like last time."

I see his point, but at the same time I don't feel like we should keep tiptoeing around. Right now the whole thing feels more like gossip than something we're actually addressing. Naruto had the right idea originally, just not a good way to execute it. Ideally, Kiba should be included in the conversation—not that I have any fucking idea how to go about that without getting my face punched in.

It just sucks that things are so uncomfortable all the time. On one hand, I want Kiba to get over himself and stop being such an asshole… Then, on the other hand, I completely understand WHY he's acting like such a jerk. I've been a jerk, too, and for similar reasons. When Karin wouldn't leave me alone after I got assaulted, I was mean to her. I was mean to Suigetsu. I was mean to Jugo. I was impatient with people. I ignored my family. If someone, then and there, tried to force me into a situation like this… Well, I'd lose my shit. It's like when Karin kept talking about campus rape. I was NOT ready for that conversation.

I'm not trying to say I'm doing better than Kiba or anything like that. I am not trying to compare myself to him, but contrary to what Naruto thinks, maybe we don't have that much in common. We're two different people.

After eating and tidying up, Naruto takes my hand and we head into his bedroom.

"It's a lot of pressure to keep pretending like everything is fine," I explain as soon as I close the door behind me.

Naruto gives me a weary smile. "Well, I guess you can understand why it was getting so hard for me to do it on my own."

"I mean, yeah, of course," I say, crossing the room and sitting on the bed next to him, "but just because I know now doesn't mean we should keep ignoring it. That's not doing anyone any good."

"I know," he shrugs, "I just don't really know, like…what other option there is. I keep trying to talk with him and every time I feel like we have a breakthrough we end up back at square one."

"How?" I pry.

"He'll talk to me, he'll share something important… but then he'll shut down and start distancing himself the next day," Naruto explains. He sighs, sounding exasperated. "I mean, I don't really have a right to get mad at him for it. He had a really fucked up, ongoing experience. Shit like that… it messes you up. I know. But I wish he'd just… Fuck, I don't know. I just want him to stop avoiding things that might help him, y'know? I want to be here for him, I want to support him and shit. He's my best friend. When he starts acting hopeless and talking about how he wishes he was dead it fucking stresses me out!"

I stare down at the floor, piecing together everything he's saying. "He probably needs some intensive help, Naruto. You can't offer him that."

"So?" Naruto retorts. "I can offer him SOMETHING in the meantime. I don't know if he'll EVER be ready for therapy. So, I'll support him instead."

I sigh at that. "You'll drive yourself insane."

"Ugh, I know that," he says, putting his head in his hands, "I just don't what else to do."

"You need to encourage him to take steps towards the help he needs." I reply sternly.

"Okay, but it's not like I haven't tried that!" Naruto justifies, "I've suggested he see someone over and over and he always refuses. He gets upset and acts like I'm just trying to get rid of him."

"Then you need to be firmer," I insist, "Be honest about how it's effecting you."

He lets out a nasally huff and stares up at me, looking exhausted. "Look, Sasuke, I hear you, but I seriously have tried every single one of these ideas you're giving me. I've told him I'm worried about him. I've told him he's hurting me. I've told him he's hurting our relationship. I feel like he hears me and he cares that shit is bad but still is resigned to this idea that he's just going to be fucked up forever."

"Then there isn't anything you can do," I say point-blank.

It's probably not what he wants to hear, but it's the truth. You can't help people who aren't ready for it. The fucking end. That's like forcing an addict into rehab. Half the time they just relapse afterwards.

"Well… I can't just STOP trying, y'know?" he murmurs. "If he saw that I gave up on him, that would be worse."

"Has he ever tried to hurt himself?" I probe.

Naruto wrinkles his nose. "I don't know. God, I hope not… If he has, he hasn't told me about it."

"Do you think he'll try to hurt himself?" I probe a little more.

Naruto sighs again and then shrugs his shoulders. "Honestly, I don't fucking know. I never used to think about that, but he might? I don't know."

I nod my head slowly. Hopefully it won't ever come to that.

Naruto shifts uncomfortably and then glances at me. "Have… Have you ever done anything like that?"

I twist my lips into a tight frown. "Not really…I don't know." I mumble, "Not anything you'd be able to see."

"What do you mean?" Naruto pries.

I don't really know what I mean. I guess there are a lot of ways someone can hurt themselves. Towards the end of high school and the beginning of college, I really, REALLY hated myself. I was drunk a lot. I had sex with people I barely knew. It always made me feel horrible afterwards but I couldn't find a reason to stop because I felt like I deserved it.

"Binge drinking," I shrug my shoulders, "hooking up with all those girls when I knew I was gay."

Naruto nods his head, looking sympathetic. He inches close and puts an arm around me. "Are you okay with being gay now…?"

"Well… I kind of have to be because it's not going to go away," I say. "Sometimes I still wish I wasn't, but I am also glad I am because I really like you."

He smiles at that. "Aaawww… That's the cutest thing ever, Sasuke."

I roll my eyes. "Okay, whatever."

His smile softens. "Well, I'm glad you are coming to terms with yourself… and I'm glad you don't do those things anymore. I don't really like the thought of you hurting yourself."

"I mean…" I pause. "I only stopped because… I got raped." The word comes out quiet. I kind of choke it out. "I felt like I was asking for it by being that kind of person. Drinking too much. Sleeping around."

Naruto rubs my shoulder. "You were NOT asking for it. Whoever did that to you… He deserves to rot in hell."

I snort. "He probably won't. He's probably off doing it to someone else."

That thought fucking kills me.

It was so awful. No one deserves that. Except maybe the assholes who do it to other people. They deserve to know what it's like. They deserve that pain.

"I wish I could remember his face…" Naruto mumbles.

"That makes two of us," I retort. I decide to shake it off, though. "Anyway… Change the subject."

Naruto glances at me and then glances away, almost like he's thinking or musing to himself. "I think Kiba used sex to hurt himself, too," he murmurs offhandedly. "I think that's why we were sleeping together… because he wanted to hurt himself."

"Maybe he just wanted to gain back the control he lost?" I venture.

"Maybe…" Naruto wraps his arms around himself, "and I might be wrong. He might totally be into guys and I'm just full of shit. It's just, like…when all of that stuff about what happened to him came out I started thinking about how disgusted he always acted with himself after we'd hook up—how disgusted he acted with me. He was SO repulsed every single time, but he kept initiating it anyway. At the time I thought maybe he was scared to be gay or something, you know, like you…but now I don't know."

"Yeah, I really don't know what to make of that." I scowl, "I can see where you're coming from though."

"I just wish he'd TALK to me about this shit," he mumbles, "But he doesn't. Instead, he leaves me guessing and he gets mad at me when I pry too much… but I think I deserve to know at least that much, y'know? Like… if it involves me, he should tell me…"

"Yeah," I agree. "Maybe try bringing it up next time you guys are having a good talk?"

"I'll try," he says, but he sounds pretty hopeless. He sighs sharply. "This fucking sucks ass."

"Yeah," I agree again. "I know."

This entire situation is so fucked up.

"Everything I do makes him mad," Naruto adds as an afterthought, "and I don't want him to think I'm tiptoeing around him… but if he doesn't tell me what he wants, I can't really give it to him."

"He probably doesn't know what he wants." I offer, although I doubt I understand the situation any better than Naruto himself.

"Mmm…yeah," he mumbles, looking distraught.

We sit there in silence for a moment. I don't really know what to say but I feel bad because it's obvious that Naruto feels like shit.

"Are you okay?" I ask softly.

"I'm just stressed out," he replies, bringing a hand to his forehead.

Yeah, no wonder, the situation fucking sucks.

"You're happy dating me, right?" Naruto asks suddenly, glancing up at me.

I blink. "Yeah, of course," I bumble, "I tell you that all the time don't I?"

"I just get nervous," he explains, "I feel like I'm happy but the people I care about aren't. Or they don't tell me when they aren't. I just, like, project my happiness into them or whatever."

"No," I shake my head at him, "I'm happy."

He nods, looking like he feels slightly better. "Good," he sighs, "and you're not nervous about people finding out we're together?"

"I mean, I'm nervous," I reply, "but not because of you."

"Have you told anyone yet?" he pries.

"Just my friends," I say. "My family… That will be a lot more complicated."

Naruto nods. "I get that. I haven't really told my family, either. They'll all be cool with it, though, so I'm not really worried about it."

"Well, Karin knows now…" I smile wearily.

He smiles back. "All right. Guess I'll need to make a trip over there soon. You should come along. I bet my aunt and uncle would like to meet you."

"Oh… Um, yeah, of course," I accept.

Maybe I could tell my brother. He'd be easier to talk to than my parents. I don't really know what my parents will do. I know they won't be happy, though. My dad will be embarrassed and my mom will be upset because she'll automatically assume this means I won't be having children. She wants grandkids. She says that a lot and it always makes me feel guilty.

"Once I tell them we're together, I'm sure they'll want to have you over for dinner. They'll probably grill me on all your favorite foods!" He chuckles, trying to keep the mood light-hearted, "I'll tell them to get those gummy sharks."

I crack a smile. That was probably one of the first things Naruto did that made me end up liking him so much.

It's nice that at least one of our families is going to be supportive. It would seriously suck if we had to keep our relationship a complete secret from everyone. Plus, I'll happily focus on getting to know Naruto's aunt and uncle first. At least this way I get to put off potentially getting disowned by my own father.

If my dad was angry about my grades, I don't really know how he'd react to me being gay. I think my dad would seriously kick me out. The only way I could see him potentially being tolerant of it is if I had my shit together and Naruto was studying to be something as respectable as a lawyer. But he's not. He's not really doing anything in particular. He has no goal. My dad would hate that. He'd think Naruto was a fucking loser.

I think all of these feelings boil down to the fact that I STILL want my dad to like me and care about me and approve of me the way he approves of Itachi. He fucking loves Itachi. They're close. They go out together. They work together. My dad is so proud of him. He's not proud of me. He's ashamed of me. He probably lies to his friends when I come up in conversations.

Whatever, I guess. There isn't really anything I can do that won't make me actually lose my mind… and my dad's approval isn't really worth every ounce of my sanity. It used to be, though.

I glance at Naruto. "Thanks," I say somewhat offhandedly.

"For what?" he asks, looking confused.

"Everything, I guess."

He smiles again and leans forward, pecking me on the lips. It's quick and chaste. When he pulls back he says, "Any time, then."

"Should we try to talk to Kiba?" I ask. "We can if you want to."

"Oh, uh," he fumbles, becoming visibly tenser, "I mean, what do you think? It might get kind of messy if he feels like we're ganging up on him."

"It could, but it also might help if I'm here," I suggest, "Kiba will probably hate me for it, but you might have an easier time saying the things you need to. Besides, it's not like I don't know what's going on now."

"You're gonna be my backup?" he jokes.

I push myself up off the bed and offer Naruto a hand. "Sure, why not?" I say, "It has to happen either way so I might as well be there."

"Hm… all right," Naruto relents.

"We can talk about me if he feels like it's too one-sided," I add. "It might even be reassuring for him. Or it might be the opposite. I guess we'll see. We'll try and gage the situation."

"You're okay with that?" he asks to be sure.

I shrug a shoulder. "I think I will be. I mean, the more I say it the easier it gets in a sense… not that it'll ever be easy. Just easier. You know?"

"Yeah," he says softly. With a sigh, he stands up. "All right. Let's go."

I stand up and follow him out of the room. We move down the hall and soon we're in front of Kiba's bedroom door. Naruto knocks and then says, "Hey, Kiba?"

"What?" comes Kiba's voice a moment later.

"I'm gonna come in, okay?" Naruto says, grabbing the door handle and turning the knob.

It's locked. Of course.

"I want to be left alone right now," he barks, clearly annoyed that we just tried to barge in, "what is it?"

"I just want to talk to you." Naruto explains vaguely, giving me an anxious look, "Can you please come let me in? Or can you come out?"

"About?" Kiba presses, and Naruto takes his hand off of the doorknob.

He sighs and seems like he feels defeated. I guess it's not surprising. This is like a constant game of tug o' war for him.

"You know what about." Naruto says softly.

We're greeted with silence.

"Come on," Naruto urges. "Please."

"No!"

Naruto continues to try and gently coax Kiba to unlock the door and Kiba continues to tell him to go away. Then Naruto starts to get irked. He starts to lose his temper.

"KIBA!" Naruto growls his name, banging on the door. "Open the FUCKING door! I SWEAR to GOD…" He continues banging and the door sounds like it might break right off of its hinges. I take a few steps back. It's rare as hell for Naruto to get mad. I've only seen it happen once before now. It was when me and Kiba were fighting in the kitchen some months back. Naruto snapped, just like he's snapping now.

This time, Kiba relents and we hear a faint click, signaling that he unlocked the door.

"Thank you!" Naruto shouts, flinging it open and stepping into the room.

Kiba looks incredibly sour, but he doesn't say anything. As he crosses the room back towards his bed, Naruto follows him.

"Do you even know how immature you're being?" He angrily spits out.

Kiba still doesn't respond. Instead he sits down on his bed and opens up his laptop, completely ignoring both of us.

So I guess that's how this is going to go.

"Are you kidding me?" Naruto scoffs, glancing over to me in disbelief, "I just want to have a decent conversation with you! It doesn't have to degrade into this!"

"Can you just leave me alone?" Kiba asks, lifting his head and gazing at both of us dully.

"No," Naruto says firmly. "We're going to talk. We HAVE to talk. Things can't keep going on the way they are. It's not healthy and it's not fair."

Kiba mutters something under his breath that I don't catch, but it's probably an insult of some form.

I inch into the room awkwardly, sticking by Naruto's side the whole time.

"WELL?" Naruto urges him expectantly.

Still nothing. Kiba eyes his laptop once more.

Naruto looks livid. He looks like he wants to beat Kiba up, not that he ever would. He moves forward and slams Kiba's laptop shut. "It's rude to ignore people," he says sharply.

Kiba looks somewhat startled at first, but then he scowls. "What the fuck, Naruto?!"

Naruto takes a deep breath and huffs, bringing a hand up and pinching the bridge of his nose. He seems like he's trying to calm down.

"Look, I'm sorry I just," he pauses, indicating to Kiba's computer, "did that."

Kiba's brow furrows. He looks unconvinced and just as pissed as before.

"I just want to talk to you," Naruto explains, "We HAVE to talk about this. I'm getting worried about you and it's making me crazy! Like just now—with the door—I get all worked up, like, what if you're not okay!?"

"I'm fine." Kiba says flatly, "Sorry, I like to lock my door. My parents never let me."

"I know, I know." Naruto shakes his head, "I'm sorry. I just get stressed out about it."

"Do you think I'm going to fucking kill myself or something?" he asks, laughing at Naruto for it. "Now you sound like my parents. That's why we had no locks."

Naruto is frowning. He looks distraught and guilty at the same time. It's not a good look.

"Chill out," Kiba continues. "I'm not going to kill myself."

"Okay," Naruro says slowly.

"Is that it, then?" Kiba asks. "If so, bye. Go away."

"No! You can't keep isolating yourself like this," Naruto argues. "Look, I'm sorry I pissed you off the other week by telling Sasuke to talk to you. I thought you guys could help each other."

"Why?" Kiba bites. "We have nothing in common. Even our trauma is completely different. He had one shitty night. I had years."

I bite my tongue, forcing myself to keep quiet. This feels awful. He's completely dismissing what I went through.

"Kiba, shut the fuck up," Naruto spits. "That is SO shitty of you and you know it!"

"Fuck, just go awaaay," Kiba moans.

"No!" Naruto fires back, "I wish you would look at how hard I'm trying to be here for you! How hard WE are trying!"

"I didn't ask you to, so don't you dare try and hold that over my head." He rolls his eyes, "Besides, practically breaking down my door so that you can yell at me while your boyfriend is over is hardly what I would consider supportive."

Naruto is trying to keep his cool, but he looks like he might seriously have a stroke. Kiba really knows exactly how to get under his skin.

"You won't talk to me even when it's just the two of us!" He insists, his voice getting higher and higher.

"I do sometimes," Kiba argues back.

"Yeah and then you shut down right after!" Naruto counters. "Besides, we haven't spoken about anything important in a while."

"Because you don't fucking deal with any of it properly!" Kiba exclaims, laughing in disbelief. "Why the hell would I tell you these things? So I can see all of the reactions I DON'T want to see?"

"That's why you need to fucking TALK to me," Naruto seethes. "Tell me what you want, for fuck's sake! You can't just leave me guessing about everything. Kiba, seriously, I want to help you out. If I'm doing something you don't like, you're supposed to tell me. You're not supposed to shut down and sit on it for weeks on end." A pause. "Look, I get that it's hard –"

"No!" Kiba interrupts angrily. "No, no, no you fucking don't get SHIT. You don't get it. You don't get it because your cousin didn't rape you for years and then brainwash you into thinking it was normal!"

I close my eyes at that. I can't even imagine.

For a while, Naruto doesn't say anything. He just stares at Kiba. Kiba stares back, but then he glances away and reaches for the nearest object, which happens to be a pen. He chucks it at Naruto. It hits him right in the face. Good aim. Naruto doesn't flinch, though. He just lets out a long, heavy breath.

"I'm sorry, okay?" he says calmly. "I'm sorry I say the wrong things. I'm sorry your cousin did that. I'm just sorry, okay? But I seriously can't know what I should and shouldn't do unless you help guide me. That's why I want to have a serious talk about this shit."

"Well, I don't," Kiba counters. "So, fuck off."

"But WHY?" Naruto asks pleadingly. He lets out a laugh that sounds like a fucking sob. "I don't know what else I'm supposed to do…"

"Then go away," Kiba says, not budging one bit.

God, this is getting fucking ridiculous and tiring as hell to listen to. I'm losing my patience and I'm not even an active part of the conversation. I'm just standing here. I want to say something, though. I just don't know what.

"Kiba—" I start, but he cuts me off almost immediately.

"Can you not?" he snaps, giving me the most piercing look I think I've ever received.

I must seem unfazed, because a second later he angrily adds, "This isn't any of your fucking business and just because you fucking refuse to leave doesn't give you any right to interject."

I can't help but roll my eyes at that. "I don't really give a fuck if you think it's my business," I retort, "Naruto is my boyfriend and I can't just stand by for all this."

Kiba scoffs. I'm sure my presence is exasperating the situation to some extent but that's not really the point of me being here. The only person I'm concerned about supporting right now is Naruto. Kiba is being foul and I can't keep listening to it.

"Whatever," he mumbles.

"You can't just keep trying to fight with everyone!" I say.

"I'm not!" Kiba immediately protests.

"Yes, you are!" I bite back. "Naruto is your only friend and you are treating him like shit even though he's trying REALLY hard! It's fucking annoying to watch."

Kiba scowls and stares down at his hands. He must know I'm right because he's not saying anything.

"Frankly, I don't know how he does it," I continue. "I would have lost patience a long time ago."

Maybe I'm saying all the wrong things but I don't care. He needs a reality check if he thinks this behavior is okay. I get that he's hurting, but he doesn't need to make everyone else feel like shit too.

"Yeah, I get it," he bites out, still refusing to look at me, "I'm fucking hard to deal with."

"Yeah! You fucking are!" I confirm.

He furrows his brow at that. "Sorry," he says sarcastically, "sorry my parents didn't teach me how to process shit and now you have to put up with it—you know, since you're so well-adjusted and all."

"Oh stop it," I scoff, "stop it with all this self-loathing bullshit you pull."

Kiba's mouth twists into a tight frown, but he doesn't respond.

"I know that you know you're being a huge asshole," I cross my arms, "and I get that this is your fucking defense mechanism or whatever so that you don't have to talk about hard stuff. I REALLY do get it, because I do that shit too. Naruto is the last person who deserves to be treated like that though. He already knows ALL your shit and genuinely just wants to be there for you. You don't have to try to set him on fire just because you think he's getting too close."

"That's not what I'm doing..." he continues to insist.

"Like hell!" I counter, laughing loudly. "Do you hear yourself half the time?"

"I don't fucking feel like talking about this anymore!" Kiba shouts.

"Well, I don't feel like listening to you be a dick all the time," I reply. "You think I'm shit and you hate me for it, but aren't you projecting a little bit? You're way colder than I am."

I feel like I might be overdoing it, but Naruto hasn't told me to stop, so I'm going to keep going.

"I'm not cold."

What a fucking load of shit.

"Yeah, you are," I insist.

"Fuck off…" he mumbles weakly.

I can't help but sigh at that. I don't feel like I'm getting through to him at all.

"Look, you don't have to be that way," I try to explain, somewhat more delicately, "I get that it's hard to open up to people about this kind of shit. In fact, it totally fucking sucks. It feels awkward and you never know how people are going to take it, but Naruto and I ALREADY know about what happened to you. There's nothing to hide from us."

He grimaces and I take that as an opportunity to continue. If he's not going to interrupt me, I might as well keep going.

"It got easier for me the more I talked with people about it… I think it would for you too."

"Don't compare yourself to me," he snaps suddenly, "you're NOTHING like me."

I stare back at him dully, refusing to react. "Yeah," I say flatly, "you're way worse."

"I'm not worse than you," he mumbles.

"Yes, you are," I insist. "You know it, so don't bother denying it."

He sneers at that and doesn't respond.

He IS way worse. I can't believe he hates me because he thinks I'm rude. I'M the rude one? Yeah fucking right. That's a good one. He's way rougher than I am. I just don't get how he could dismiss how hard Naruto is trying. Naruto tries hard with people and it's upsetting to know that sometimes they don't return the sentiment.

He's too nice. He should be the one calling Kiba out like this, but I don't think he'd ever be able to do it.

We continue to stand there in silence and it's starting to piss me off. There's no way in hell I'm going to let this conversation be for nothing. Things absolutely cannot slip back to how they were.

"You have nothing to say for yourself?" I snap, crossing my arms and giving Kiba a nasty look, "You're just going to pretend like none of this is happening?"

He doesn't even bother looking at us. Instead, he brings his knees to his chest and deliberately stares at the wall opposite me.

"Oh MY GOD." I turn to Naruto and shake my head, "Why the fuck do you put up with this?"

Naruto shrugs. He probably doesn't have a reason. He cares too much and he can't get himself out of the cycle.

For fuck's sake! This is seriously too much. Kiba is going to unwillingly take and take and take until Naruto has nothing left to give. I think they seriously might be the worst people for each other when it comes to this shit. Naruto needs to stand up for himself. He needs to realize enough is enough. I don't see him as a pushover, but he's too damn forgiving. He needs to force Kiba to think about how he's acting.

"It's okay, Sasuke…" Naruto says awkwardly.

"No, it's fucking not!" I retort before glancing back at Kiba. His expression is unreadable. It's like he's not even looking at us. He's looking right through us, staring at the door and silently hoping we'll get the fuck out. Well, that's too damn bad.

I cross the room right up to Kiba's bedside. When I do, his eyes dart back down to his hands.

"You know, people are not going to put up with this forever." I snarl, "Naruto is willing to listen—I am willing to listen—but we won't always be."

He stays quiet.

"I get it," I start again, but he cuts me off before I can continue.

"No, you don't," he hisses quietly.

"YES, I fucking do!" I shout at him. "I get it! I get what it's like to have your own body used against you. Your cousin used to rape you. You keep denying it, but I DO get it. Some stranger drugged me and raped me in my own fucking bed. In the morning I fucking _forgot_ about it and had the gnarliest hangover. I ran around campus like a fool trying to put the night back together like a fucking puzzle, asking everyone who might've seen me. Nothing anyone said helped, but eventually the memories came back on their own. Some pervert raped me. I fucking remember him feeling me up and pushing his dick into me while I was face down on my mattress. I couldn't move. I wanted to, but I physically couldn't MOVE."

Kiba closes his eyes. "Stop…" he whispers hoarsely.

But I don't stop. I keep going.

"You have the audacity to completely dismiss my experience just because it wasn't the same as yours?" I continue loudly and angrily. "Fuck you for doing that. It makes me feel like shit. People will get sick of you and your attitude. I know you keep pushing everyone away, but I don't think you really want them to leave you alone. If they do, then they've given up on you. Wouldn't that be worse than them nagging you? Well, it's going to happen. It's going to fucking happen if you keep this up and then you'll be all alone forever. You'll have nobody but yourself and all those shitty ass memories you try so damn hard to avoid."

I guess that was enough because Kiba finally looks at me. His eyes snap open and he gives me a cold, hard stare.

Then he starts to get up. He swings his legs over the side of the bed and puts a hand on my chest, firmly shoving me backwards and away from him.

I was half expecting him to try something like that, so I don't really stumble. I stand my ground and confront him straight-on.

"Fuck you!" I exclaim, "Don't fucking touch me!"

At that, Akamaru starts barking. He probably doesn't like seeing us get physical with each other. I guess I don't blame him.

Kiba flat out ignores Akamaru though. He ignores me too. Instead he makes a fist and punches me right in the forehead.

And GOD it hurts. It really fucking hurts. This part I didn't expect. I fall backwards onto the carpet with a gasp and Naruto is the next to react. He shoves Kiba hard and he falls backwards onto his mattress. Then he turns around and offers me a hand, helping me up.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

"I think," I say, lighting palming my forehead.

"It's red," he murmurs. "You'll probably have a serious bruise."

"Great," I retort with sarcasm.

Naruto glances back at Kiba, giving him a look of distaste. Kiba hasn't budged since Naruto shoved him. He's still in the same damn position. He glances away, unable to maintain eye contact. He looks upset. I guess I made him angry enough for him to do something he might not have initially intended on doing. He has no impulse control at all. His hand also looks kind of red. He'll probably have bruises, too.

Once Naruto has finished making sure that I'm okay, he turns his focus towards Kiba.

"What the FUCK is wrong with you!?" He hollers, crossing over to the bed.

Kiba doesn't move. He doesn't do anything. He just sits there, unresponsive.

"Don't fucking ignore me!" Naruto continues, and as he gets closer he grabs him by the face, wrenching his neck around and literally forcing Kiba to acknowledge him.

When Kiba still doesn't respond Naruto balls up his own fist. Kiba just closes his eyes and fucking waits for it. It's pitiful to watch.

Then, surprisingly, Naruto doesn't punch him. Instead, he smacks him across the face. Hard.

When it happens, Kiba barely reacts and it's kind of unnerving. He opens his eyes but Naruto still has a tight grasp around his jaw.

"Don't hit my fucking boyfriend." Naruto says in a low growl.

Kiba doesn't say anything. He stares down at his hands for a few minutes, sinking into himself. It's so pathetic it makes me uncomfortable.

After a few awkward and silent minutes, he lies down facing the wall and I can tell the conversation is over. Well, it wasn't really much of a conversation to begin with. It was so one-sided. Kiba didn't offer up much and now he's completely shut down.

Naruto lets out a breath and takes my hand, dragging me out of the room. I turn the light off and shut the door behind us, leaving Kiba alone.

Naruto looks really shaken up. I've never seen him like this. Maybe he feels bad about hitting his best friend? I don't know.

He heads for the kitchen and gets me an ice pack out of the freezer.

"Sit with this on your forehead," he tells me, pointing towards the couch.

So I do. I lay down and try to gage how I'm feeling. I have an awful ass headache. Hopefully it's not a concussion. I don't really know what that would feel like so I probably wouldn't know either way.

A few moments later Naruto decides to join me and sets himself down by my feet. He puts his head in his hands and lets out a shuddery breath.

"You okay?" I ask, although I'm pretty sure I already know the answer.

"This is the worst," he replies, not budging.

"I know," I say, not bothering to sugar coat him and tell him everything will be okay… because, quite frankly, I don't know if it will be. If Kiba doesn't stop lashing out, things will only get worse from here… if that's even possible. "Thanks for sticking up for me, though…" I add.

"Yeah," he whispers.

We tried to resolve things, but somehow everything is even more fucked up now. There probably isn't anything that can be done… and if there IS, I have no fucking idea what it could be.

Naruto doesn't move. He's still hunched over with his head in his hands. He lets out a few breaths.

"Naruto?" I say his name.

He doesn't answer.

I sit up. Naruto still has his palms glued to his face and his body is trembling.

"Hey," I whisper, scooting over to him and putting my hand on his shoulder.

With that, he lets it all out.

"I just—" he exclaims, removing a hand and gesturing toward's Kiba's room, "I don't know what to do anymore!"

Now the tears are streaming freely down his face. For some reason, it surprises me. For all the times he's told me that he's an emotional guy, I'm realizing that this is the first time I've actually seen him cry.

I'm also realizing that I have no idea how to comfort him.

"I'm here for you," I say somewhat awkwardly, hoping it will get my point across.

He leans back, staring ahead at what looks like nothing in particular. He doesn't bother wiping his eyes. He just lets the tears keep coming, like he isn't even embarrassed about it. His crying is completely unrestrained, like a child's.

"I don't know what to do," he murmurs once more.

"Maybe there isn't anything you can do anymore," I tell him. "Maybe you just need to wait for him to come to you. I'm not telling you to give up on him or anything… Be there for him, but be there for him from afar until he's ready to let you back in."

He emits a sob and then says, "God, I fucking hate this…"

"Yeah, I know," I respond softly.

This really is a hopeless feeling. I don't even like Kiba and I feel pretty fucking defeated.

"I just can't do it alone," Naruto continues, sounding absolutely miserable, "I wish I had the support of his parents, but they just make everything worse. I don't think they've even tried to talk to him since he moved in with me!"

"You're not doing it alone," I say reassuringly, "I'm here, I know what's going on, and you know you can talk to me about it. I care about you a lot and I know it's eating up most of your life right now."

"I know," he smiles vaguely, although he looks like he probably still feels like garbage, "thank you for that."

I inch a little closer to him and he puts an arm around me, giving me a brief side-hug. "I mean it, thanks."

"You're welcome," I say. "You're my boyfriend. I want to be able to help."

He swipes at his eyes and smiles again. He's not really crying anymore. For that, I'm glad, but he still seems on edge. I glance at him again and he rises to his feet.

"Where are you going?" I ask him.

"Be right back," he murmurs, leaving the room and leaving me alone on the sofa.

I debate on following after him, but my head still hurts like hell and I don't really want to move too much. I lean back and press the ice pack against my forehead, trying to numb it. I can't fucking believe Kiba punched me in the forehead, of all places.

When Naruto returns a moment later, he plops down on couch next to me. I sit up and put a hand on his shoulder with the plan to continue comforting him, but when I catch a glimpse of his face it looks like his mood has done a complete 180.

"Want to go out or something?" He offers suddenly, tapping his fingers on his knees.

"What?" I ask in surprise, "Right now?"

"Yeah, right now," he bobs his head up and down, "we can go to the bar or something. I want to get out of the apartment."

"I don't really…feel that great." I reply, gesturing to my forehead.

Naruto gives me a blank look that almost makes it seem like he has completely forgotten that I just got my brains rattled around.

"Oh, yeah! Of course!" he laughs.

I can't help but raise an eyebrow at him, but he waves a dismissive hand before I can talk and he says, "Is it okay if I tidy up or something?"

Is he just trying to put on a good face? Does he want a distraction? I really don't get what's going on.

I give him a weird look. "Can't you just… sit here with me?"

"Oh, yeah," he says. "Sorry. Um, mind if I watch TV or something? You can rest. I'll keep the volume on low."

"Fine," I mumble, feeling uneasy.

He reaches for the remote, channel surfing for a few minutes before settling on a sitcom. "Here," he says, patting his lap. "You can lie down. It'll give yah more room to stretch out."

"All right," I say. "Thanks."

I lay my head on his lap and he takes the ice pack out of my hand, pressing it against my forehead. "Tell me if it gets too cold," he says.

"Mm…" I mumble, closing my eyes. I try to relax, but my head is pounding. Naruto keeps the ice pack against my head. It's cold as hell, but I don't mind.

When I finally begin to relax, a thought hits me.

Is Naruto high right now?

I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but he's acting really weird.

Would he do something like that? In a situation like this? It seems really fucking inappropriate, but he was a total wreck not even fifteen minutes ago. If he is high, is this just how he's trying to get his mind off of Kiba? I don't really know if I can blame him for that.

It makes me wonder though. The last time he did it was months ago, right? I thought he stopped after the incident at pride. That's what he told me he was going to do at least.

I continue to watch him as he tries to watch the program he picked. His eyes keep darting around the room though, and it's obvious he's having trouble staying focused.

He sniffles a bit. I wonder if it's because he was just snorting drugs or if it's because he was crying a little while ago. I stare at his eyes. They look kind of red, but that could be from crying, too.

"Naruto, are you okay?" I ask.

He stares down at me as I stare up and him. "Oh, yeah! Yeah, I'm totally fine. Why?"

"You're acting weird," I point out.

"Huh, I dunno what you mean," he says.

Yeah, he fucking does…

"Fine," I relent.

"Just close your eyes," he says. "Stop worrying about stuff. It's going to make your headache worse."

"Fine," I repeat myself.

I close my eyes and try to focus on anything other than my throbbing head.

.

.

I must have dozed off, because the next thing I know my eyes snap open when I feel Naruto displacing my head.

"Oh! Sorry!" he whispers, ceasing his movement for a moment, "I didn't mean to wake you up. Just go back to sleep. I'll be right back."

Ugh. My brain feels so fuzzy.

"Where are you going?" I question as he stands up from the couch, rolling over so that I can get a better look at him.

"Nowhere—" he answers, "—my room. Don't worry, I'll only be a second."

Then he turns and walks down the hallway, not waiting for me to respond.

I get up quick, ignoring the sharp and sudden pang in my head as I follow after him. I feel uneasy as I get closer and when I'm in front of the door I push it open. He is standing in front of his dresser, opening the top drawer.

"Naruto," I say his name.

His shoulders tense and he turns around.

"Don't," is all I say.

He wants to refuel. I fucking knew he was high... and I can't help but feel disheartened as hell because of it.

He lets out a sharp sigh, but he doesn't say anything. I hate this. I hate seeing him like this. I'm not used to it.

"What can I do?" I ask.

He shakes his head and his brow knits together. "I just feel... I don't know. Bad, I guess... and I want to feel better."

"This isn't the way," I tell him.

He is frowning deeply. I sit on the edge of his bed and pat the spot next to me. He joins me a moment later.

"Sorry," he whispers.

"It's fine," I reply, although it's really, really not, "Tonight has been stressful."

"I know. I just, like—" Naruto mumbles softly, "I know it's triggering for you. That's why I was trying to do it without you knowing."

"Alright," I nod. I guess that makes sense.

"But I mean, of course I'm going to know," I add a moment later, "that big of a change in your behavior is pretty obvious."

"Um," Naruto shifts awkwardly on the bed, "I know."

"How often DO you do that?" I press.

"Rarely," he answers quickly, looking offended that I would even ask that, "only when I'm really upset, and that barely ever happens."

"Okay…" I nod, "Well, even that's probably too much. You need to find better ways to deal with stress."

I wonder if he's lying. Clearly he wasn't upset at the club we went to. He just wanted something to enhance what he was already feeling. God, I hope this doesn't become a problem. I really won't be able to handle it if he's going to end up like some sort of junky.

"I know," Naruto murmurs. "I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

"Around me or at all?" I probe.

"Around you," he says, not bothering to sugar coat the truth.

I let out a sharp sigh. "I really don't like the thought of you doing drugs. I mean, weed is one thing… but cocaine is just disgusting."

I hate this. Everything about this situation is horrible. Everything about this night is horrible.

"I know…" he says. "I don't really know what to tell you."

"Tell me you'll stop…"

"I don't really want to," he admits.

"Why?" I bite out.

"Look, I really don't want to fight about this with you," he says wearily. "I just do it sometimes to make myself feel better… and it works. It's fine. It's not like I do it every day."

"Are you sure about that?" I ask. I feel like I NEED to know if he's lying to me. I really hope he's not.

"Yeah," he insists. "It's seriously fine."

"Okay," I relent.

I guess that I need to take his word for it. I'll start paying attention though. I'll know if it keeps happening because now I know what to look for.

If it does become a problem…I don't really know what I'll do. Tell Karin, I guess? I'd rat him out without even thinking about it. I'd tell his whole family. I don't even care. People who want to keep doing drugs are hard as hell to persuade to stop and there's no way I'd be able to do it by myself.

"Don't worry," Naruto says insistently, "I'm fine."

"Okay," I say again. For now I'll just have to let it go.

"Let's go to bed," he says.

"All right," I agree.

I'm tired – physically and mentally. I'm sure he is, too. Though, who knows how well he'll be able to sleep if he's doing shit like cocaine.

We ready ourselves for bed and then pour ourselves into his sheets.

"I'm sorry about tonight," he murmurs groggily.

"We'll deal with it," I reply, sounding equally exhausted.

I close my eyes and try not to think about the day's events. Everything is too overwhelming.

.

.

In the morning, I wake up first. I give Naruto a shake, but he just mumbles something I don't even understand, so I leave him. I decide to shower and get dressed and then I take a granola bar out of the cupboard, sitting in the living room. I want to leave, but I also feel like I should wait until Naruto wakes up before I do.

I need to go home. I want some time alone after everything that went on yesterday.

This whole situation is so fucked up I feel sick to my stomach. On top of that, my head is still throbbing. Ugh. I still can't believe Kiba had the gall to slug me like that. I hope he broke his fucking hand.

Honestly, who the hell have I been spending my time with? I feel like my life is a total mess and the shit that goes down in this apartment is NOT helping. I want to he able to offer Naruto my support, but I literally do not see how I will make a difference.

I sit for a while and munch on my breakfast, and after a while Naruto appears from the bedroom. He looks like he feels like shit.

"Mornin'," he grumbles, approaching the couch and sitting next to me.

He looks tired.

"Good morning," I say. "How do you feel?"

"Kind of shit," he replies.

I nod my head. "Look… I want to leave. You don't need to drive me or anything. I can take a bus. I just didn't want to ditch you before you woke up."

"I can drive you," he insists

I shake my head. "You look kind of tired. Take it easy today. I'll talk to you later on."

"Are you mad at me?" he asks.

"Well, to be honest, I'm kind of annoyed," I tell him, "But I wouldn't say I'm mad. I get that you were really overwhelmed last night. I just really hate drugs and I don't want you to do them."

He nods his head slowly. "I know… I know that was the wrong thing to do."

"Yeah, it fucking was."

"I'm sorry," he apologizes again.

"I forgive you," I accept, rising to my feet. He sits up and follows me to the door. I slip into my shoes and I peck him on the lips. "I'll call you later or something."

He nods and holds up a hand. "Bye…"

I get the feeling that he doesn't want me to go, but I seriously need to. So, I turn and leave. When I'm outside, I debate on calling me brother to come get me, but I don't know if I should bother him.

I make it about half a mile before I end up deciding that I REALLY don't want to walk all the way back to my house. I feel like shit and I'm sure I look it too.

So, I pull out my phone and dial Itachi's number. Today's his day off so he should be at home.

The line rings a couple times and then he picks up.

"Sasuke?" he answers, sounding kind of surprised.

"Hey Itachi," I greet him awkwardly, "I'm on the other side of town and I was hoping I could get a ride."

"Are the buses not running?" he asks.

"They are…" I mumbled, "I just had kind of a rough day yesterday. I don't really want to walk."

"Alright," he relents, "where are you?"

I glance around at my surroundings, spotting a coffee shop on the corner. I tell Itachi I'll wait there and he says he'll be there in a half hour.

I make my way there after hanging up. Inside, I buy tea and then sit in the corner so I'm as out of sight as possible. All I can think about is Naruto. I hated seeing him like that. It made me so uncomfortable. He isn't like himself when he's like that. He gets weird.

I manage a few sips before Itachi texts me saying he's outside. I pick the cup up and leave, scanning the parking lot for a second before I see him parked in a space near the front entrance. I cross the lot and get into the passenger seat.

"Are you okay?" he immediately asks.

"Yeah," I tell him.

He looks doubtful, but he doesn't pry. Not yet. He'll save that until we're back home.

"Are mom and dad home?" I ask, hoping to avoid the confrontation that I know will happen if they are.

Itachi shakes his head. "They're at the office," he explains, "they gave me the day off but there's a big case we're working on."

"Ah," I mumble. I'm lucky, I guess.

"Did you get into a fight?" Itachi asks, indicating to his forehead, "You have a bit of a goose egg."

I scoff at that, palming the spot lightly. It's still really sensitive.

"A small one," I answer, "with Naruto's roommate."

Itachi nods. Hopefully he'll leave it at that. I had a fight with my friend. That's why I'm upset.

The rest of the ride is quiet. For that, I'm fucking glad. When we arrive back home, I try to make a quick getaway to my room, but Itachi follows me up. He pushes my door open and stands in the doorway with his arms crossed.

"Sasuke," he says my name in a business-like tone.

"What?" I ask, sitting in the center of my bed.

"What happened?" he probes.

"Nothing," I insist.

He gives me a dull look. "Nothing?" he repeats in question. "Clearly that isn't the case. You are gone all night, you ask me to come get you in the morning, you have a bruise on your forehead… What happened? I'm your brother. I dropped everything and came to get you. I think I deserve to know. Maybe I can help."

"You can't," I tell him.

"How can you know that?" he presses, tilting his head to the side, "Why did your friend hit you?"

"We were having a tough conversation," I explain vaguely, "I was being honest with him. I said things he didn't want to hear."

"A conversation about what?"

The words sit in the back of my throat while I try to decide how much I want to tell him. I shouldn't say, right? It would be wrong of me.

"Something happened to him," I mumble instead, "something like what happened to me. Naruto wanted us to talk. He thought we'd be able to help each other."

Itachi looks surprised at that. "You told Naruto?" he asks.

"Um… yeah," I admit. "I told him. I just… I felt like I had to."

He tilts an eyebrow at that. "It's yours to tell when you want. You shouldn't feel obligated."

"I know, but the situation kind of called for it," I explain vaguely, trying not to look as uncomfortable as I feel.

I should tell Itachi. I should tell him I'm gay and I'm dating Naruto. I don't think he would react poorly. I mean, he didn't react poorly when I told him what happened to me. Then again, this is a lot different. It's different when it's not a choice.

"How so?" he asks. "You're only giving me half-answers here."

I let out a breath. "I'm… I'm seeing him. Naruto. We're together."

For a while, Itachi doesn't react. He gives a long nod and then he's silent, almost like he's processing everything. "I suppose this makes sense. You spend a lot of time with him. You seem fond of him."

"I am," I say.

"So, does this mean you're gay?"

"Y-yeah… Yeah, I am," I confirm quietly.

Please don't get mad

I don't want him to get mad.

"I'm gay too," he says.

For a second, I don't even know what to say. That came from so far out of left field.

"What?" I stammer, not even believing what I just heard.

"I'm gay," he repeats.

I can't help but let out a nervous laugh. Oh my god, WHAT? What the actual fuck is even going on in my life right now?

"When did you find out?" I ask a moment later when I've processed the information the best I can.

"A while ago," Itachi answers, "for a long time I thought I didn't like anyone and just focused on my studies. Then I met someone and I knew from then on."

"What the hell?" I choke, "Who the fuck did you meet?"

He smiles somewhat wryly. "You know Kisame?"

"Him?" I ask in disbelief.

"Yes, him," Itachi responds simply.

What the hell? Kisame is kind of rugged and not very business like. He's a mechanic. He's far from the kind of guy I thought Itachi would go for. Itachi is a huge nerd on the inside and he's always so fucking serious. I don't think I've ever seen him laugh in a way that was completely unreserved. I wonder if Kisame makes him laugh… I always thought it was weird enough that they were friends. I guess there was something else going on the entire time.

This is seriously the weirdest thing ever. This is the last thing I ever expected from Itachi. This is so… so, so, so far from what my parents would want for him. Clearly, they don't know. Clearly, Itachi keeps his own secrets and he does it fucking well.

"Wow," I murmur. "How did you meet?"

"He was a witness in one of my cases," Itachi admits.

This keeps getting more and more unbelievable.

"Wow, scandalous," I tell him. "And you just… kept in touch after?"

"When the case was finished he asked me if I wanted to get drinks to celebrate," he explains, "I guess he could tell from my behavior that I was interested in him. Even though I knew it was unprofessional, I went anyway. We had been getting along well."

This is crazy. I feel like my world is literally being turned upside-down. I never would have guessed.

My poor mom. If she ever finds out, she's definitely going to jump the conclusion that she's never getting any grandkids.

"It was obvious to me based on that night that he was being more than friendly." Itachi continues, "It was fairly straight-forward after that."

"Wow," I murmur. "So, he asked you out?"

Itachi nods. "I kind of told him to. Towards the end of the night I said, 'So, are you going to ask me out?' And he did."

This is so crazy and for some reason it makes me feel so much better, like I'm not alone, even in my own house. I used to think I was. It makes me feel kind of relieved to know that I'm not the only one keeping secrets. It also makes me feel kind of bad, though. I wish my parents weren't so strict. Things would be so much easier.

"I had no idea," I murmur. "So, you've been together ever since?"

He nods again. "That was about two years ago."

Jeez. He's been keeping this secret for a long time.

"And he doesn't mind that it has to be a secret?" I ask.

"He understands why it's necessary," Itachi explains. "So, we go away a lot and when we're away it's easier. He can hold my hand and it won't matter if people see."

"Do you think you'll ever tell mom and dad?" I question. I feel like I'll have to. I won't be able to keep it secret, especially if things get more serious with Naruto and I.

Itachi tilts his head from side to side, looking contemplative.

"I don't know," he finally answers, "I suppose I'll probably have to at some point, especially if I ever want to move in with Kisame."

"Do you think you will soon?" I press.

"Maybe," Itachi shrugs, "I'm not in any rush. I don't really want kids, so moving in is one of the final steps for me in a relationship."

Damn, mom is going to be so disappointed.

"Oh," I murmur.

"You don't have to tell them until you're ready," he says. "Regardless of what I do, don't feel pressured."

"I just… I keep thinking about how mom and dad will react," I say. "I don't really know what to expect, but I know it's not going to be good or reassuring or supportive."

"You're probably right," he agrees. "Don't let them sway you, though. You need to do what makes you happy."

"I know," I say. "I used to pretend I was straight, but I don't do that anymore."

He nods his head. "So, you really like Naruto? You should invite him out with us one of these days. He's important to you, so I'd like to officially meet him."

"Oh, yeah," I say. "I think he'd actually really like that."

"Great." He offers me this typical and reserved smile, but I didn't really expect anything more. Still, I'm glad he told me all of this. I'm really glad. It makes me feel closer to him, like he actually trusts me.

I try to think of if there are anymore questions I want to ask him, but as I do, I feel my cellphone buzz in my back pocket.

I half expect it to be Naruto, but when I pull it out it's a number I don't recognize.

"Sorry, I should take this," I tell Itachi and he nods, letting himself out of the room.

Once he's gone, I answer the call.

It's the liquor store I left my resume at. That's cool—I wasn't expecting them to get back to me so quickly. They ask me to come in for an interview and we set up a time on Monday. I tell them goodbye and thanks for the opportunity, and once I hang up I let out a sigh of relief. That was easier than I thought it would be. Hopefully they actually hire me.


	27. Chapter 27: Kiba

_Trigger warnings for this chapter at the bottom of the page. Major spoilers included._

KIBA'S POV:

Everything has been shit lately. The huge fight that happened the other day was so awful. I haven't said a word to either of them since. Naruto hasn't even been trying.

I guess I got what I wanted: he finally stopped bugging me. Sasuke said I'll be alone forever. I hung onto those words, I really did. I don't want to be alone. The thought scares me more than anything else.

I feel completely hopeless. I want things to be the way they were last year. Me and Naruto were friends and he didn't bother me much. It was fine. Sasuke wasn't in the picture, so that made things easier, too.

Right now I'm sitting on the floor in my room with Akamaru. We're practicing a few things we learned during training.

He's gotten big. He's probably almost full-sized now, and is at least half my weight.

I'm definitely starting to understand why the recommended breeds for psychiatric support dogs that deal with PTSD are so heavy. When I'm losing my shit and Akamaru lays on me it feels like he's literally compressing the panic attack out of me. I can't move. I can barely breathe. It forces me to sit there with my thoughts until they leave on their own without me freaking out and hurting myself.

We do the exercises a few more times before I decide that it's probably been enough for one day. I get up off the floor and wander over to my bed, Akamaru padding after me.

I pick up my phone and flick through my Facebook notifications. Nothing new. Nothing interesting. I'm about to turn it off when the message received tone goes off in my hand.

I switch over to the texting app and see that it's from Hiro.

Awesome.

I should really get around to blocking him, but I haven't been able to force myself to do it. I don't know why. I just feel too guilty.

I don't respond. I hear a few more messages pop up, but I really don't want to answer. So, instead of fighting the urge, I just put my phone in my room and head into the kitchen to make myself something to eat.

Naruto hasn't been home all day. He's probably with Sasuke. I don't really know what they're doing and I don't care. They can stay gone for as long as they want.

I settle for a bowl of cereal, sitting at the table to eat. When I'm done that, I head into the living room and turn the television on. Now that I have a job, I'm slightly more comfortable being here. I don't feel like I'm bumming off of Naruto as much. I pay rent, I help with groceries and shit like that. I can buy my own crap now.

As I flick through channels, I hear my phone ringing. I probably should have put it on silent. It's fucking hard to ignore. I know he's going to get mad. Still, I don't budge and soon the ringing stops.

I let out a breath. Akamaru sits with me on the sofa. I stop the channel on a sitcom since I don't really want to watch anything heavy.

My phone keeps ringing at different intervals, slowly getting further and further apart. Hopefully Hiro is wearing himself out and he'll give up soon. If I keep ignoring him he'll probably take it out on my aunt and uncle, but I don't really care. They can handle it. They can call the fucking police if he gets too out of control.

It's been a long ass time since I've seen Hiro—probably the longest I've ever gone actually. Even when our parents were trying to keep us separated as kids they always made us interact at shitty family dinners and stuff.

Now it's been over three months. I can feel his grasp on me getting weaker, but I'm still losing my shit more and more lately. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.

It would be great if I could magically force myself to be normal. I feel like I used to be able to put on a good face. I don't really know what triggered me sanity to fly out the window. I guess things just piled up too much and it became overwhelming. People always say you can't bottle things up forever. I guess it's true. I seriously lost it. I keep losing it. I feel like I haven't even said a word out loud in days. I've been so trapped in my own head about everything.

I feel like shit. I want to fucking die. Nothing is going to make any of this okay. Nothing can be fixed. It's too late.

I zone out for a bit, staring at the television. When I snap back, it's to the sound of the buzzer going off.

Who the fuck…?

I decide to ignore it. I know Naruto has his keys because he took his car with him this morning, and I'm really not in the mood for company. Besides, I don't know who the fuck it could possibly be. If anything, it's probably Karin or one of Naruto's other friends.

Soon, the buzzing stops. It must have been someone who forgot their keys and was going through the call list to try and get the door opened for them. That kind of shit happens sometimes and I never let them in anyway. I feel like that's how break-ins happen.

I continue flipping through channels, but nothing seems to hold my interest. Everything is either reruns or stuff that's not my taste.

I let out a sigh, feeling restless. I continue flicking through stations and then, suddenly, there is a loud bang at the door. I jolt and my heart jumps around in my chest. For a minute, I don't move. I can't. Akamaru's ears perk up and he looks at me. I get up slowly, slinking towards the door as quietly as I can. I look through the peephole and see the last fucking person I want to see.

Hiro.

What the hell is he doing here? How did he even get in?

I swallow the lump that's already forming in my throat. I take a few steps back, but the banging continues and it doesn't stop. I stand still and frozen for what must be at least five minutes. The banging doesn't let up for even a moment. What if he busts open the door? Me and Naruto will be in deep shit with the landlord and we'll have to pay for it… Naruto will fucking kill me.

I move towards the door and unlock it, letting him in. He pushes me and shoves his way in. I close the door behind him and lean against it, watching his every move.

Naruto is going to be absolutely livid if he finds out. Maybe I'll be able to get Hiro to leave before he gets home. God, I fucking hope so. I really don't want him to know I let him in again. He'll just judge me for it.

"Hiro," I say his name weakly. "What do you want?"

"I want to know why the FUCK you've been ignoring me!" he spits.

Akamaru starts to bark at him and Hiro sneers. "What's with the mutt?"

"He wants you to stop yelling at me," I say.

Hiro scoffs at that and grabs Akamaru roughly, dragging him into my bedroom. I shout at him to stop, but he doesn't. Once he's inside, he kicks out a leg to keep Akamaru in place as he shuts the door, locking him in.

He moves back into the living room and eyes me from over by the couch. I don't dare say anything. I don't even move.

"Come here," he demands suddenly, pointing to the spot where he's standing.

"No…" I argue weakly, "I don't want to."

Hiro crosses his arms and rolls his eyes at that. "What?" I snarls, "So I get into a fight with your little boyfriend and suddenly you're blowing me off for months? I don't fucking THINK so."

"We're not together!" I insist, not budging from my place against the door, "He's my friend and after you broke his fucking nose I think it's pretty obvious why he doesn't want me to see you anymore. I don't want to see you anymore either."

He looks unbelievably pissed off at that. He moves towards me and grabs me by the neck. I can't help but gasp as he starts dragging me towards further to the center of the room and farther away from the front door.

I'm scared.

Fuck, I'm scared.

I can't stop shaking because I don't know what he's going to do to me. He's so angry. I've never seen him this angry. Even when he broke Naruto's nose, he wasn't this angry. I feel like it's my fault, though. I've done something to set him off. I should have been more cautious. I should have known it would come down to this.

"You think you're strong?" he asks with a scoff, relaxing his grip. "You'll always be weaker than me. I can do anything I want and you'd take it because that's what you're like."

I start crying. I can't help it. I let out a strangled sounding sob and then he tightens his grip again. The tears just start streaming down my face.

Hiro scoffs at that. He won. I'm weak and a mess. He can stop now. He can let me go.

He doesn't let go though. Instead he grasps my neck even more firmly and pulls me in closer.

This is so much closer than I should ever to be to him. I want to struggle but I'm literally gasping for air.

"You're not tough," he barks, inches from my face, "I don't know who made you think you are, but you aren't. They don't know you, I know you."

When I feel like I'm honestly about to pass the fuck out, he lets me go and I fall to a heap on the floor. I choke and sob some more, trying to catch my breath. Before I can manage it, I see the front of his boot coming towards my face as he kicks me. Hard. Before I can help it, I let out a sharp scream as I fall to my side.

He doesn't let up. He kicks me again in the side, getting me right in the ribs. It hurts like fuck and it's hard to breathe after a while. I try to get up but he pushes me down again and kneels over me. I try to push him away, but he grabs my wrists.

"Don't try to fight me," he demands. "We both know you would lose."

Should I scream for help? Part of my wants to and the next apartment isn't far away, but I'm scared that Hiro might actually kill me.

As the thought tumbles around in my head, Hiro stands up. He leaves me and walks across the room, turning the deadbolt on the front door.

I try to sit up but I'm physically unable to. My head is throbbing and my vision is blurry from being kicked in the fucking face. My nose is bleeding all over the carpet. Naruto is going to be so upset.

When Hiro returns he kneels down beside me again, lowering himself right to my level. "Be quiet," he says menacingly.

I lie still on the floor, watching him pace around for a few minutes. It looks like he's contemplating his next move. Then again, maybe he already knows it. Maybe he's just dragging things out to screw with me.

"What are you going to do?" I whisper, closing my eyes.

"What am I going to do?" he repeats the question. "What do you think I'm going to do?"

I don't want to think about it.

I don't want him to touch me. I don't want him to touch me. I don't want him to touch me.

I'll die if he touches me.

My eyes keep burning as they fill with tears. I don't open them to let it out, though.

"Oh, stop it!" Hiro laughs cruelly, "God, you're such a fucking baby! You've always been such a fucking baby about everything!"

I want to argue, but I don't. I just lay there on the floor, shaking. My body aches. My head is spinning. I feel like I might vomit.

"Enough! You're pissing me off!" He hisses, "Don't act like you have it so tough! Poor baby Kiba, look at how pathetic he is—everyone always felt so bad for you!"

I just want him to leave. God, I want him to leave.

My eyes are still glued shut so I don't see him when he approaches, but I sure fucking feel it when he grabs me by the hair and smashes my head against the floor.

I let out a convoluted cry and when I do, he forces me into a face down position, literally grinding my nose into the rug.

What a fucking mess. There's blood everywhere. Naruto is seriously going to be so mad at me. I feel like this is my fault, but at the same time I don't know what I could have done to prevent any of it.

He continues pushing my face into the rug. It burns. It makes me wonder if my nose is broken. If not, then it's really badly bruised. When he lets go of me he stands up and stares down with a look of complete revulsion. I try to roll over and he kicks me again. This time, I throw up. It happens fast and I barely have time to register what the fuck is happening. I toss my head to the side and puke my guts out. It comes out bloody and chunky and disgusting. I take in a few deep breaths through my mouth, feeling clammy.

I feel sick. I feel so, so, so sick. Everything aches.

"Ugh, gross." Hiro comments.

He crouches again but this time stays a few feet back, standing clear of my puke. There's a look of distaste on his face, but he still seems pleased with himself, like this went exactly the way he wanted.

"You always make such a mess," he continues vilely, "you were like this when you were little too."

My stomach lurches and I want to vomit again when I hear him say that. Hearing him talk about how disgusting my body is makes me literally want to kill myself.

This is so degrading. I feel like a fucking dog. I wish I could just die.

My eyes keep leaking. I haven't been in this much pain in a long fucking time. I'm so humiliated and it hurts. This is almost worse than the way things were when we were kids. At least back then he wasn't beating the shit out of me all the time.

I take in a shuddery breath, sounding incredibly weepy. I want to stop, but I physically can't. I don't know if I've ever felt pain like this before.

"Sure, cry some more," he says. "That seems to be the only thing you're good at."

He could probably kill me so easily. I wonder if he'd even care or if he'd just shrug it off like he seems to with everything else

"You're not my favourite cousin anymore," he adds.

And I don't know how that makes me feel.

When I don't respond, Hiro smirks. "You're so weak willed," he laughs, "that's why you let me do whatever I wanted when we were kids. It was fun because you were so pathetic."

I don't know how to react to that, so I don't react at all. I just stay still and wide eyed.

It was fun? He did that because it was fun? He raped me because it was fun?

It hurt. It still hurts now.

My heart is beating so fast a new wave of nausea washes over me and I get light headed.

I was so permissive. I was so impressionable. Why was I like that?

I should have told somebody. I shouldn't have let things go on for so long. I didn't like it. I knew I didn't like it, but I still couldn't. Then, when it was all over, I missed him. He's right. I'm fucking pathetic. I've always been pathetic. I'm disgusting.

God, I hate this.

I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.

I wish I was dead. I really fucking do. I just want this to stop. It has to stop.

I don't feel like I have any fight left in me. This is never going to end. Hiro is never going to leave me alone.

He stands over me and I feel like I'm seeing my life flash before my eyes.

Then, Hiro smiles. He lets out a little laugh and just like that, he walks away. He heads for the door and undoes the deadbolt, and without another word to me, he leaves.

I lay there for a second, half expecting him to come back. When he doesn't, I try to move, but it hurts like hell.

My body is absolutely destroyed. I can barely breath. My face is swollen and I wouldn't be surprised if I had cracked ribs.

Akamaru is whining. He's probably been whining on the other side of my bedroom door the entire time, but I was too preoccupied to realize it. I'll let him out in a few minutes… as soon as I can move. God, it fucking hurts. I feel nauseous every time I shift. I sniffle a bit, taking things slow. I need to clean up the blood and puke before Naruto gets home. I don't know when he's coming back, so I should do it now. I don't want him to get mad. He's going to fucking kill me when he finds out what happened. Everyone is going to think I'm such an idiot. Well, I guess I am an idiot. I shouldn't have let him in. I should have left him there. I should have called the fucking cops. I should have done something, anything else…

Fuck, what do I do now?

I part my lips and take in a few deep breaths, trying to will the pain away.

It doesn't work, of course.

Wincing, I lift myself up. It stings. I let out a string of sobs and pained moans, grasping my mid-section once I'm on my feet.

The first thing I do is head for the door. Hiro didn't bother closing it all the way, so I do that for him. Then I turn the deadbolt.

Even that amount of movement is strenuous. I feel like I'm going to fucking pass out.

I try to make my way to the kitchen, but the process is slow. I reach the counter, but I have to stop and rest before I even try to get a roll of paper towels out from underneath the sink.

I close my eyes and focus on catching my breath. God this is miserable. If Naruto came home right now I would die of shame. I wouldn't even know what to tell him.

Even worse if he had his fucking boyfriend with him. That's always a possibility. They're always together. I bet they'd both think I was such a fucking loser if they could see me.

I am a loser.

Back in the living room I throw sheets of paper towel over the puke, but before I can actually manage to wipe it up and disinfect the floors, I halt. I begin wavering worse. I feel like I'm sweating.

I need to lie down. I move down the hall and into my room. Akamaru barks impatiently. He is probably concerned. I open the door and he immediately starts nudging my legs and circling around me, trying to show affection.

He bumps into my shins and it honestly just hurts. I try to shoo him away but my head is so fucked up I can't even remember the proper command to get him to stop. So, I just let him keep doing it. He's whining loudly and obviously upset.

I head towards my bed but when I reach it, I pause. If Hiro were to come back, this would be the obvious place for me to be.

But the door is locked, right? He wouldn't be able to get in.

Still, he could break the door down. He'd find a way. He doesn't take kindly to being told no and a locked door is like the biggest no there is.

I glance around the room, eying my closet door. I could sit in there for a bit. Even if he comes back, he'll be less likely to find me. Maybe he'll think I left.

I walk over and open the doors, slipping in. Before Akamaru can try and squeeze in with me, I close the door. I know he's standing right on the other side of it, but I really don't want him in here. I don't want to be touched. It hurts to be touched.

I sink to the floor, sniffling a bit and wiping my nose on the back of my hand. My clothes are bloody and probably a little pukey, too. I don't care. I'll change later. I put my head in my hands, trying to will away the constant ache that's penetrating every inch of my inner and outer being.

Why did this happen? I never should have let Hiro in but I always do. Every single fucking time.

It's because I'm weak willed, like he says. He scares me and so I let him do whatever the fuck he wants. I never fight back.

I feel guilty. This whole thing feels like it's my fault. I wonder if Naruto will blame me? Probably. He's already mad at me anyway. God, I'm such a nuisance.

Akamaru whines but I ignore him. He probably wants to come lay with me but I think having his weight spread out over my chest might actually kill me. I can already barely catch my breath.

I keep taking these huge, heaving breaths. My chest really hurts. It feels tight, like I'm being compressed. It felt like Hiro was wearing steel-toes.

My head is really aching and my throat is dry and hoarse. I should have gotten some water, but I don't want to move. Not yet.

I swipe at my eyes some more.

I wonder what my parents would do if they could see the damage Hiro did. Would they think it was my fault for being a dick to him? Probably. I wonder if they'll ever find out. Hiro mostly just kicked me, so it's not like he'll have bruised knuckles or anything else that could be an obvious sign.

I wonder if he'd tell them just for shock value. I wouldn't be that surprised. Even if he did, they'd probably completely ignore it. They'd act like it didn't really happen. Now that I'm not around, I wouldn't put it past my mom to just flat-out pretend like I don't even exist.

I sit there for what feels like a long time, fading in and out of consciousness. It's taking every ounce of energy I have to stay awake and even that's not enough half the time.

Eventually, I hear the front door unlock and open. Akamaru starts barking and goes bounding out of the room. Naruto must be home. I really hope Sasuke isn't with him.

If Sasuke is with him, I'm going to feel fucking worse. It's bad enough one person is going to see me like this inevitably. I don't want that number to go up to two. I need to shower. I need to clean myself. I need to clean the floor. I need to remove the blood stains from Naruto's rug.

But I sit still. I debate on leaving the closet, but it doesn't fucking matter. I already look pathetic as hell. Hiding in the closet isn't going to make things look any worse.

I hear the padding of feet on the carpet. It gets closer and closer, followed by the sound of Akamaru whining, then the doors to my closet swing open.

Naruto takes in my appearance and his neutral expression slowly twists into one of complete horror.

"Oh my god…" he whispers, crouching down to my level, "what the fuck…?"

"Sorry," I manage to choke out.

"No… no, no, no." He shakes his head, reaching a hand out and cupping my cheek, "It's okay. You're okay."

Naruto delicately adjusts my head so that I'm facing him. It hurts like fuck, but I try not to let it show.

He stares at me critically for a moment. I'm sure I look absolutely disgusting. I don't think my nose and mouth have stopped bleeding since Hiro kicked me. This probably looks like a fucking murder scene.

After giving me a once over, Naruto sits back a little. "I'm going to call an ambulance," he tells me.

"No," I protest, trying to shake my head, "I'm fine. Don't do that."

He gives me a weary look and then sighs. "Kiba, you look really fucked up. What the hell happened? Who the FUCK did this to you?"

He asks, but I'm sure he knows.

"Just… just don't call the ambulance," I whisper, feeling frantic.

"Okay…" he murmurs with obvious doubt. He stands, trying to help me up. He struggles a bit because I'm honestly barely able to support myself at all. I can't stop moaning and groaning. Everything fucking kills. I feel so strained. I'm breathing so heavily.

Naruto manages to drag me into the bathroom where I finally get a first look at myself.

"Oh, God…" I whisper weakly, eying my reflection in the mirror hanging above the sink. I look so busted up I barely recognize myself. No wonder I'm in so much pain. I've got bruises on my face that are probably five different colors. There's blood on my clothes. There's puke, too. There's fresh blood on my face and there old, crusty blood flaking off. Gross. Disgusting. My lip looks like it split a bit. There are more bruises on my arms and there are probably a ton on my abdomen.

Naruto grabs my shoulders and maneuvers me away, telling me to sit on the closed toilet seat lid as he fishes the first aid kit out of the cupboard under the sink.

"Was this Hiro?" he bites out the question, opening the kit and getting rubbing alcohol. "This might sting," he murmurs offhandedly.

"Yeah," I confirm. God, I'm so fucking ashamed. I should never have let him in the apartment.

"Why?" he asks, not looking even the slightest bit surprised.

"He got mad I was ignoring him," I tell him, although out loud it sounds like the most batshit insane reason ever to beat someone up like this.

Naruto nods and presses a cotton ball to my lip. He's right, it goes fucking sting.

"Ow! Fuck," I exclaim and Naruto gives me a sympathetic look. There's probably still a long-ass way to go until I'm cleaned up.

"You let him in," he comments, "why?"

"He was smashing on the door," I explain, trying to justify myself, "I was scared he would break it down."

"Call the cops if it ever happens again," he murmurs.

I should have called the cops this time. Then none of this would have happened. I wouldn't be so beat up and sore.

"Are you mad?" I ask, staring at him. He looks mad. Actually, he looks beyond mad.

"Yes," he admits tersely, "but not at you, so don't worry."

"Fine," I relent in a mumble.

After disinfecting the cut on my lip, he closes it with a small piece of medical tape. He washes the rest of the blood off my face and then he says, "There." A pause. "Kiba, take your shirt off."

"No!" I immediately protest.

Naruto looks taken aback.

"I don't want to…" I correct myself, trying not to get so worked up.

"I need to see your ribs," he tries to reason.

"They're fine," I insist.

I don't want to get naked. I don't care if Naruto's seen me before. This time it's different.

"Kiba, your clothes are filthy, just take them off," he says. He jabs a thumb towards the door and says, "I'll get you something clean to wear."

"It's fine," I insist, closing my eyes. "I'll do it later…"

He's staring at me critically and I fucking hate it. "Kiba, did he do anything else?" he asks hoarsely, looking all heartbroken and shit. "Did he… Did he, like…" He pauses, trying to figure out how to word it.

Did Hiro rape me.

That's what he wants to ask.

"No…" I mumble.

I thought he was going to though. He made me think he was. All that shit with him asking what I thought he was going to happen next. He was just shamelessly fucking with my head.

"Really?" Naruto presses.

"Yes, really!" I insist, wrapping my arms around myself, "He just…kicked me. It hurts and don't want to take my shirt off. I'll do it later."

Naruto lets out a heavy sigh and I'm not sure if he believes me. Jesus fucking christ. This is the worst day of my life.

"I can leave the room," he offers.

"I don't care!" I snap, "I don't want to do it right now."

"Please," he says. "I'm worried about you. Just… Just let me touch them through your shirt."

"They're fine," I insist. "They feel bruised, not broken."

"Let me double check," he insists. "If it's broken you could get a fucking punctured lung or something!"

"Fine," I bite, leaning back and allowing him access. He sits on the edge of the bathtub and puts his palm on the left side of my rib cage. He asks me if it hurts to breathe. I tell him it does, but I play it down like it's not as severe as it is because I really don't want to go to a hospital.

"I can't feel any obvious fractures or breaks, but I still think you should see a doctor," he suggests after checking my other side.

"No," I say flat-out.

He doesn't fight me on it. He gives me this piteous look – the look I fucking hate. I glance away. He gently grabs one of my elbows, elevating it and examining the bruises. "Fuck," he murmurs. "I can't believe he did this to you…"

"Me, neither," I admit.

I knew he was shit, but I didn't think he'd hurt me like this.

"You should tell your uncle," Naruto says.

I shrug. "I don't really care, Naruto. I don't care anymore. I just… I don't know what the hell else I can do. He'll never fucking stop, so it doesn't matter."

Naruto looks disappointed at that answer. "That's not true." He says firmly, "There are things we can do. You can take out a restraining order. We can get the police involved."

"I don't want other people involved," I hiss. Naruto knowing what's going on is humiliating enough. If I had to start relying on the police regularly I would feel like the biggest loser alive.

"But why?" he pleads, "You can't just let Hiro keep doing this. He really fucked you up. What if he had killed you?"

What if Hiro had killed me? I kind of wish he had. Then I wouldn't have to deal with him or this ever again.

"I just have to stop making him so mad," I reason.

"Oh my god, NO!" Naruto exclaims, "That is NOT what needs to happen!"

"It'll just be easier," I say. "I can't talk to cops because then I'll have to tell them all what he used to do to me when we were kids and I don't want all kinds of people knowing that about me! So… So, I'll just be nicer… and then he won't do anything like this again."

"He wants to control you!" Naruto seethes. "That's what this is all about, Kiba! He's not going to stop hurting you, even if you let him in again. He'll just hurt you in different ways."

"I don't care," I mumble. "I can handle that. I just… I don't want this to happen again. It felt like forever. I wish he just fucking killed me."

Naruto looks completely distraught. "Don't say things like that!" he shouts shakily.

I just sigh, grabbing the counter and pushing myself up to my feet. Naruto follows me out of the room and into the living room. I eye the puddle of puke that is covered by paper towels. Then I eye the rug.

"Sorry," I say again.

"Don't worry about that…" he insists. "I'll clean it up."

"I can," I try.

"No, you can't," he says. "You can barely move. Go get changed and lie down. I can bring you some pain killers or something."

I scoff at that, but obey. I turn for my room without another word. I'm so fucking frustrated. Not at Naruto specifically, just in general. I wish I could have defended myself.

I peel off my shirt and try not to look down at my body. I'm sure it looks horrible. I'm probably covered in welts and bruises.

Fishing through my dresser, I yank out a sweater and gingerly pull it on over my head. I should probably change out of my jeans too, but the effort seems tremendous. I'll just have to do it later.

I leave my bloody shirt on the floor and head for my bed. Once I'm there, I pull the covers all the way up over my head. I don't want to be seen. I just want to be left alone.

After a few minutes, I hear my door creak open and Naruto walks in. He sits on the edge of my bed and says, "Here, hold out your hand."

I do so, slipping it out from under the covers. He puts two pills in my palm and I pull my hand back into the cover, dry swallowing them both. I elevate my head slightly so I don't choke. When the deed is done, I remain still.

"I also brought you some water," Naruto adds.

I don't respond.

"Kiba, please… talk to me…"

No.

I can't.

"Kiba, please…"

He won't stop.

"Kiba."

I tear the covers away and perch myself up, staring at him. "What do you want me to say?" I ask him wetly. "Yes, I let him in. Yes, it was stupid. Yes, I'm pathetic for always falling into his traps. I tried to do the right thing! I tried to tell him to go. I tried telling him I didn't want to see him ever again after what happened last time when he broke your nose. He didn't like that, though. So, he beat the shit out of me and he said gross things and now my insides hurt as much as my outsides." I flop back down, lying on my side with my face pushed into my pillow. I let out a string of stupid cries, getting weepy again.

I've never felt this bad. I didn't know it was possible to hurt this much.

Naruto puts a hand on my shoulder and I jolt. He immediately removes his hand. "Don't touch me," I sob out.

"I'm sorry," Naruto whispers.

"Don't be," I say between heavy breaths, "I fucking deserve it."

"You don't," Naruto protests.

I feel like I do though. I keep making dumb choices and I need to learn my lesson. I know this is a mistake I'll never make again. There are a million things I could have done to prevent it. The fact that he even knows where I live is my own damn fault.

"That's ridiculous. Don't talk like that," he continues, "you're going to convince yourself it's true."

"It's not ridiculous!" I weep, clutching my blankets around my body, "I don't know what else to do! I don't know how else to deal with him!"

"Get a restraining order," he suggests again.

"I can't," I whine. "That would make things worse. He'd start lashing out at other people – at my other cousins, at his parents… Who knows what he'd do?"

Naruto inhales sharply. "He needs prison. He's such scum. You should seriously take this to trial. Look, we can go to the hospital. This is assault."

"No, no, no, no!" I shout repeatedly. I need him to understand that I can't do that. I fucking can't. I can't afford for our history to come out.

Naruto sighs.

I grab the cup of water sitting on the nightstand, taking a few sips. It feels good. My throat is so raw right now – from crying, from puking, from shouting, from talking in general. When I set the cup down, Naruto says, "Move over. I'm going to lie down with you. Is that okay?"

I look at him, feeling somewhat hesitant.

"I'll keep my distance," he adds.

With that, I inch closer to the wall and he lies on the edge of my bed, facing me. I stare at him – REALLY stare at him. I wonder what he would do if I died? He'd be sad, I know, but would it be better for him in the long run? I cause him so much grief. I don't really know how to stop. I owe him so much and I don't know how to give it to him.

It's such a bad feeling. I don't really deserve him as my best friend. I'm a huge fucking burden and Sasuke was right, I will end up alone. Naruto will get sick of me and he'll move on. I feel like it's my fault but at the same time I can do absolutely nothing about it. Hiro fucked me up so far beyond repair, and he won't stop until the only person I have left is him.

I keep watching Naruto until my eyes start to droop. I don't want to go to sleep, but I physically cannot stay awake. My body and mind are exhausted.

So, I close my eyes. I stay as far away from Naruto as possible. Hopefully he'll be gone when I wake up.

.

.

I stay home for a few days, trying to sleep off all the pain I'm in. Naruto's been catering to me and Sasuke hasn't come around, which I'm glad for. I really didn't want him to see me like that. I think Naruto understands, too. But even if Naruto did drag him over, I don't think I'd even bother fighting. I just don't have the energy for it.

By the middle of the week, I manage to force myself to class. Everyone stares. I know I look like shit. I feel like shit, too. So much that I don't have the strength to get defensive. I want them to stop fucking staring, but I don't bother telling them to. I sit in the back of all my classes and all of my professors pull me aside after, asking me if I'm okay and if I need to talk. I say no. I say I'm fine.

I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it. I thought being here would be easier. I thought it would be a distraction, but I'm still so out of it. I can't stop dissociating.

But I came here for a reason and that reason wasn't just pure distraction.

After classes, I make my way over to the student health center. The lady behind the counter gives me a look of distress as she hands me a clipboard with the paperwork I need to fill out in order to see a doctor.

I hand it back to her after writing down as little information as I can get away with. I skip the section on mental health history. I skip the medication history too. I'll tell them I've never seen someone for this before.

I sit in the waiting room twiddling my thumbs. It's uncomfortable. The receptionists keep whispering to one another and it's obvious it's about me.

Finally, they call me back and show me to the room where the doctor is waiting for me. He waves a curt hello when I walk in.

"What can I do for you today?" he asks, gesturing to the seat and telling me to sit down.

I do so, fiddling with my fingers a bit. "Um, I haven't been sleeping," I say.

He nods his head slowly. "Is there any particular reason for that?"

"I don't think so," I tell him.

He's eying me critically. He wants me to explain my current state, but it has nothing to do with this.

"I mean, nothing's changed," I reiterate. "It's been going on for a while. I'm just getting sick of always being tired."

"How long does it take you to fall asleep?"

"If I manage to, it takes hours," I say, "but usually I just lie awake all night."

"If you do manage to sleep, do you find yourself waking up a lot throughout the night?"

I nod my head. "Yeah."

He continues to ask me questions and I continue to answer. When all is said and done he asks me what I want to do. "I can get you a referral to see if there are any underlying issues," he starts, "Or I can simply prescribe you a medication. But if I do, I'd like to see you back in a month to make sure the pills are working for you."

I go with the pills and end up walking out of the health center fifteen minutes later after I tell the receptionist to call the prescription into the pharmacy by Naruto and I's apartment. What a fucking relief. I didn't actually expect him to buy that.

I trudge across campus to where I parked my car by the dorms. Now that I have a job and can actually afford to drive myself around again, it should be easy to stop by the pharmacy on the way home.

When I get there, I opt to go through the drive through instead parking and going inside. I don't think I would, but on the off-chance I run into Naruto I don't want to have to explain why I'm there.

After picking the prescription up, I head home. I feel oddly calm, kind of resolved. I guess that is normal, though.

I've been contemplating this for a long damn time and I feel relieved that things are finally in motion.

It takes me a couple minutes to arrive home after that. I head up to the apartment and call Naruto's name once I'm in. No answer. Good. He is still out, probably at school or with Sasuke. No matter. I need to be alone right now. I can't be around anyone. Even distant voices would be too much of a distraction. I want complete isolation.

I grab a pint of vodka from the kitchen cabinet and then head to my bedroom with the prescription in my other hand.

I lock the door behind me. Even if someone comes home—which is doubtful—I don't really want them barging in on me. I lock Akamaru out too. I don't know why but I would feel too guilty having him be around for this. He's a good dog.

Once I'm in there by myself, I set the liquor down on my bedside table. Akamaru whines from the other side of the door because he knows he's supposed to be with me and he gets anxious when he can't do his job.

I ignore him and dump the bottle of pills out in my hand. The doctor wanted me to come back in a month, so he only let me have thirty.

Do I need to take all of them? I honestly don't know. I probably should though, as a precaution.

He put me on a low dose, so I should take as many as I can. I take a couple and swallow, chasing it down with a swig of vodka. It tastes foul. I feel like I should be crying or something, but honestly, I don't feel like I need to. I don't really feel anything.

I take another few, downing them with another chug of liquor. I try to be careful, making sure I don't choke on the pills or accidentally make myself throw up before they start to work.

I sigh. It's hard. They get difficult to swallow after a while. My throat feels raw. I feel kind of drunk and I'm getting tired.

This is it, I guess.

This is fucking it.

Maybe I should have written a note… Then again, what the hell would I have said? Nothing comes to mind.

I take a couple more and then lay down on my bed. My head feels fuzzy and I'm trying to block out any images of what happens next. I just want to go to sleep. Easily.

Akamaru stopped whining, or at least I can't hear him anymore. He must have settled down.

Who will take care of him? Naruto, if he feels like it…but probably more accurately my parents. They love dogs, so they wouldn't mind. Hah. They'd probably rather have a dog around instead of me any day. They won't miss me at all. They haven't even tried to contact me since I moved out. I bet my mom won't even be sad.

My aunt and uncle will think this was inevitable. Hiro will think he won. He probably thinks all of this was a game. It was probably fun to him. He made it seem like it was fun. Making my life hell was fun. Ruining me was fun. Making me hate myself was fun. Making me want to throw up every time someone touches me was fun. Making me hate my own reflection was fun.

So, he wins. I lose. I don't care anymore. I just want it to be over. I hate him. I hate him so, so, so much. Thinking about him hurts me. I can't be part of a fucking world with him in it. So, now I won't have to be. I'll be gone.

Naruto will probably find me in the morning. He'll check on me when he gets home tonight, but I won't answer. He'll assume I'm sleeping. He'll let it go. Come morning, he'll come knocking again. I won't answer. He'll start to worry. He'll pick the lock and it'll all be too late because I'll be dead… I hope he won't feel guilty. None of this is his fault. For a long time, he was the only thing good in my life. I guess I should have told him that. Maybe I should have written that down. I should have thanked him. I should have written down all the things he wanted to hear me say out loud, but I was never able to because I'm weak.

I hope Sasuke will be supportive. It'd be kind of fucked for him not to be since he's Naruto's boyfriend and all. God, I hope he's not here when Naruto finds me though. Or maybe I do. I don't know. I don't want him to have to call Sasuke and tell him. I don't want Naruto to be upset.

He probably will be upset though. Ugh. I wish he wouldn't be. This is all for the best and he should see that. It's obvious. I'm such a burden on his life. He always tried to pretend like I wasn't but I am. I run him down. I make him chase me in circles. He deserves a better friend than that.

I think I make him unhappy, especially as of late.

I hope he'll get over it. I hope he'll get over ME. He'll find a new best friend. Everyone likes him, so I bet it would be easy for him…

But what if he doesn't get over it? Naruto is so sensitive. He internalizes everyone's pain. He has a hero complex. He'll probably be upset he couldn't 'save' me or whatever.

I mean, his parents died… and he got over that. He should get over this, too, right? I suppose we're not children anymore, though, so it isn't quite the same.

He'll be okay. I think he'll be okay…

But what if he's not? That will be my fault and I won't be able to right it. I haven't been able to right anything.

I should write him. I should definitely write him. I need to tell him that I care about him and that's why I'm making this choice. It'll be better for both of us in the long run. I want to tell him not to dwell on it and that I'm not worth it. He doesn't need to worry about me or feel bad. If I can tell him those things then I'll feel okay when I go. I won't feel guilty.

So, I try to push myself up out of bed. It's difficult though, and my body is fighting me the entire way. When I do manage to finally sit up, I can't stand. I try to take one step and immediately collapse to my knees.

Fuck.

I feel queasy – VERY queasy. It's too much. The sharp and fast motion of my fall makes the contents of my stomach shift and I begin throwing up. It comes out forcibly. It comes out in a long, slimy trail of bile and pills. Disgusting. I guess I didn't eat much else today.

Shit. It's hard to move. It's like I'm being weighed down. I puked up some of the pills, but they probably did some damage anyway because I don't feel any better. I don't feel any more awake.

I just…

I can't do this now.

I feel like I fucked up.

With effort, I crawl to my nightstand and pick up my phone, dialing 911.

.

.

I guess I passed out because the next thing I know I'm in a hospital room and there are nurses and doctors hovering over me. They're frantic and I feel them shoving something down my throat. I gag and I struggle, trying to rip it out. They hold me down, paying little mind to the fact that I woke up.

What are they doing?

Are they trying to pump my stomach?

I keep gagging and sobbing as my eyes start to water. I keep struggling. They hold me down harder. The doctor shouts commands at the nurses. He sounds angry. He probably is. He's probably angry that he could be helping other people—people who didn't put themselves in the hospital, people who actually want to be alive.

I bite down on the slimy tube so they can't shove it down my throat any further.

"He's not cooperating," the doctor says, sounding irritated. They remove the tube and try sticking it down my nose. This feels worse. A nurse grabs my jaw, trying to keep me still enough for them to get end of the tube into my stomach.

It feels awful. This feels awful. It feels like I've inhaled water.

They attach a spout to the top of the tube and they pour some sort of liquid inside. It travels down the tube and into my stomach. It feels bad. I want to punch the nurse who is holding my face because she's being too rough, but I'm too tired to muster up any strength.

When the liquid is in my stomach, they attach a syringe and start sucking out the contents of my gut. My eyes keep watering. At this point, it feels like it's almost a reflex.

They empty the syringe in some sort of tin and then do it all over again. And again. And again.

This is the fucking worst. I can't believe I let this happen.

I hate how many people are touching me right now. I would scream at them to stop if I could, but there's so much liquid going into and leaving my body that there's no way I would get the words out.

It doesn't take long for me to tire myself out. I think the nurses realize this too because the one holding my head in place stops gripping so firmly. I stare listlessly at the wall and try to focus on anything other than my need to vomit.

They don't let go of my wrists. They're probably afraid I'll try to rip the tube out. It's a wonder they haven't just strapped me down. I don't know how long this will take.

I guess that's it though. I'm probably going to be fine.

Great.

I close my eyes.

"Stay awake," the doctor commands.

I don't fucking want to, though. So, I ignore him. I keep my eyes closed. I want him to leave. I want the nurses to leave. I want them to turn the fucking lights off because the brightness it making my eyes ache. I have a headache now. I feel like shit. I'm sweaty.

What feels like hours later, it's finally over. The doctor pats my cheeks a few times, trying to get a reaction out of me. I can't really bring myself to move. I'm just so fucking tired. I'm so distraught and devastated. I shouldn't have called the cops. I should have just let things go. I wish I didn't keep thinking about Naruto. I screwed up. I felt guilty. I really screwed up.

The doctor leaves the room and one of the male nurses follows him. While they're gone, the other two nurses take the liberty of securing my wrists to the sides of the bed. I guess I was expecting this. I don't even bother trying to fight them. The nurse who left then returns a few minutes later, shaking a small bottle of black liquid.

"This is activated charcoal," he says, removing the cap and measuring out what seems to me like an unreasonably large dose, "You need to drink this."

I want to tell him to fuck off, but my throat hurts too badly. Instead, I just keep my mouth clamped shut. Hopefully that will send the message.

He seems unfazed, like he was expecting that reaction.

He sighs and glances at one of the nurses. "I need another nasogastric tube."

God, just fucking do it already. My throat feels so raw. It feels worse when yet another lubricated tube is shoved up my nose, down my throat and into my stomach. My eyes start watering again. It feels foul.

I hate this.

I hate this.

I fucking hate this so much.

They push a murky, black liquid through the tube. I keep my eyes clamped shut, trying to will away the pain. When the tube is removed, they seem to be done. I begin feeling nauseous.

"If you throw up we'll administer another dose," the doctor informs me.

God, I don't want to throw up. I keep my eyes closed, trying to calm myself down but I'm so worked up. It's making things worse.

The doctor and most of the nurses file out once they've determined that I'm going to keep the nasty black liquid down, but the one who was originally holding my face stays behind and gathers some papers out of one of the drawers in the corner of the room.

"So, the paramedic brought this in," she says, approaching the bedside and picking up a prescription bottle off of a standing metal tray and holding it out to me, "is it yours?"

I peer at it more closely before deciding that it definitely is. They must have grabbed it so they would know what I tried to OD on.

"Yeah," I answer hoarsely.

"Right." She nods, "Okay Kiba, I'll be right back. I'm going to look for you in our system so we can determine together who you want us to call."

I roll my eyes at that. Of course they got my name off the fucking pill bottle.

Awesome.

When she disappears, I feel like I can finally fucking breath. That was horrible. I'm in such a fucking sore state right now. On top of still being bruised from Hiro's beating, I probably look like extra shit from trying to fucking kill myself.

I failed.

I fucking failed.

That's so humiliating.

I tried.

I almost did it.

When the nurse returns, she is holding some sort of folded up fabric. "I brought you a hospital gown."

"I don't want that," I immediately say.

She sets it at the edge of the bed anyway. "The doctor will be back to examine you in a few hours. You'll be required to talk to the resident psychologist as well since this wasn't an accident."

What-fucking-ever.

"Don't call my parents," I decide in a mumble. "Call my uncle."

I tell her his name and give her his number. She writes it down and says she'll be back in a bit. "Put the gown on," she adds before leaving.

Ugh! I don't fucking want to! They can't make me, can they? They could force me to take all that medicine shit but there's no way they can force me out of my own clothes.

Besides, I can barely fucking move. There's no way I'm getting out of this bed and there's no way I'm letting a doctor "examine" me. I haven't even examined my own body since Hiro kicked the shit out of me, but I know it must look bad. I don't want him asking what happened or making assumptions.

They should just let me leave. I want to go home. Naruto is probably wondering where the fuck I am since the paramedics basically had to kick my bedroom door in to get to me.

Now we have to pay to the fix the door anyway. I should have just let Hiro pound on it.

If I didn't let my guilt get to me, I'd be dead by now. At least I can help Naruto pay for the repairs this way. I wouldn't be able to do that if I was dead. He'd have to do everything on his own. He'd have to once again clean up my messes. It feels like that's all he ever does. I'm the worst friend imaginable. I could never be friends with a person like me. I hate people like me. I hate people who are weak. I hate people who are fake. I hate people who lie all the time. I hate people who are this fucking pathetic.

I keep thinking bad thoughts about myself and at some point my uncle wanders into the room.

That was quick.

Gaku sees me and gasps out my name, approaching my bedside immediately. I guess he didn't know that I was so fucking beat up. I can't see why Hiro would have told him. I probably look even worse now that I've had doctors fucking with my body for hours.

He hovers over me, clearly at a loss for words. He looks fucking heartbroken.

I don't know what to say. I want to say something but nothing feels sufficient. Instead, I blink and a few tears slide out.

"Sorry," I grumble bitterly. I hate this. I hate this so fucking much. The way he's looking at me is making me feel so fucking bad and guilty, like I'm the scum of the earth.

I can't even look at him anymore. So, I glance away. I stare off into empty space. I stare at the dull, white walls. I stare at the railings on the bed I'm currently lying on. I stare at my feet. I stare at my hands. I stare everywhere except at him.

"What the hell happened?" he asks me, sounding desperate for some sort of explanation.

My throat seizes up. What the fuck do I tell him? That Hiro beat the shit out of me and then I decided to try and fucking kill myself? I can't say it. I can't say the words out loud.

I swallow thickly and muster up, "A lot…"

My voice is so hoarse and dry. Each time I talk there is a slow burn in the back of my throat, like my raw vocal cords are rubbing together.

"A lot?" he questions. He's not satisfied with that answer and I don't fucking blame him.

A lump forms in my throat. I feel trapped. Why did I call him? I wish he didn't have to see me like this.

I don't want to cry. God, I'm so sick of fucking crying. It makes me look so damn pathetic and Gaku is the last person who needs to see me that way. I don't need him to write me off as overdramatic like everyone else in our family.

I try to stop the tears but I don't have the energy or the will power. I pull my knees up to my chest, leaning into them before starting to sob.

"I don't know," I choke out between heavy breaths, "I didn't feel like I had another option."

Gaku pauses for a moment, like he's processing the situation. Then he bends towards me, extending a hand to my shoulder. "Did you…" he asks, "Is that why you're…?"

"Yes!" I hiss, cutting him off, "I fucking tried to kill myself!"

For a while, he's silent. It's like he just can't comprehend me doing a thing like that. I'm sure there are a hundred things he wants to ask, but he doesn't know how. So, I stay quiet. I stay quiet until he finally musters up the will to speak.

"Did… did Hiro do something?" he asks quietly, sounding like he'd dreading the answer.

"Yes," I spit, raising my head and swiping at my eyes briskly and roughly.

He closes his eyes like he can't bear to look at me "Did he… Did he –"

"No," I say hoarsely. "He didn't do that. He made it seem like he was going to, but he didn't. He just… hit me and kicked me and beat the shit out of me. He made jokes like it was all a game, him torturing me…"

Gaku looks like he feels fucking ill. He should. He raised a monster.

"Oh my god," he stammers, taking a long, hard look at my facial injuries, "Kiba…it looks so bad. I wish you had told me."

"So you could do what?" I scoff, hugging my knees tightly, "It's not like you can control anything he does. He's fucking twenty-four. He's not afraid to hurt people."

Gaku grimaces at that. I know he knows I'm right. Hiro is fucking scary and he doesn't have any reservations about going batshit on people who try to keep him from what he wants. He honestly needs to go to fucking prison, or a psychiatric hospital, or anything other than running around free.

I never used to hate Hiro like this. I had bad feelings towards him but it was nothing compared to now. I used to just want him far away from me. Now I want him to fucking hurt. I want him to know what it's like to go through what he put me through. I want to give him something to cry about... but he has never been a crier, even when we were kids. He was totally void even then.

"I don't know what to do with him," Gaku murmurs.

"There probably isn't anything you can do," I bite out miserably. "Nothing would change. If you make him angry, it will only get worse."

I don't want to keep making him angry.

At the same time, I don't want to keep letting him in. It seems like the easy answer but it's going to make me so miserable.

I feel fucking trapped. That's why I'm in this mess at the hospital to begin with. Hiro isn't giving me any options that I like so I tried not to make one by removing myself from the equation entirely.

"Is there anything I can do for you…?" Gaku asks awkwardly. He probably has no fucking clue how he should support me. I have no fucking clue how he should support me, since honestly, he barely knows me.

"You can get me out of here." I snap, "I don't want to be here anymore. I want to go home."

"I can't do that yet, Kiba…" he says. "They want to keep you overnight for observation. They want to examine you and make sure you're all right and not having any negative side effects."

I grind my teeth. "I don't want them to," I whisper harshly.

He picks up the hospital gown and adds, "They want me to try and convince you to put this on."

I take it from him and then toss it to the floor. Gaku sighs and picks it up. I feel like a child. I'm acting like one, I guess. I can't really help it. I do this sometimes. It's like I regress. I can't even help it.

"They also want you to speak with someone… a psychologist."

"I don't want to do that," I murmur.

"You need to," he says. "They want to make sure you're okay…"

My life is such a shit-show. Everything that has happened in the recent history has been such a fucking joke. What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I keep doing things to make the situation worse?

"Well, I'm obviously not okay if I chased a bottle of pills with a bottle of vodka," I reply. I pause and then say, "What will they do if they determine I'm not okay…?"

"They're going to want to talk to me," he says. "They'll ask me questions to try and determine why this happened. They'll recommend counseling, which I know you'll reject. So, they'll send you home with me because they'll want me to monitor you. They'll want you back for a follow up examination. They'll probably give you some hotline numbers as well."

"I can't go home with you," I whisper.

I can't be around Hiro. This is his fucking fault. He literally ruined me. I can't get back all the things he took away – my dignity, my self respect, my fucking virginity…

"I know," he says. "We'll have to work something out, though, because you can't be left alone." He pauses and then his eyebrows knit together. "Kiba, are you going to try this again?"

"I can't," I murmur. "I took all the pills."

He rubs a hand down his weary face, looking distraught. That's not the answer he wanted. I guess I should keep my mouth shut, though. He's probably just going to tell the doctors and nurses what I'm saying.

It doesn't matter, though. Right? They can't force me to stay when all of this is done. They can't force me into therapy.

"If you try to kill yourself again, I'll be going to a magistrate," Gaku says, almost like he's reading my mind. "I'll tell them that you are a danger to yourself and I will tell them exactly why."

I feel my jaw tighten at that.

Why would he do that to me? It's so humiliating. I don't want anyone to know I used to screw around with my cousin. That's fucking disgusting. Everyone is going to think I'm a whore.

"Don't do that," I say to him.

"We have to make a deal then, Kiba." Gaku tells me. He sounds really firm. I don't know why. I don't need this. He doesn't have the right to be this way with me. I'm not his fucking kid.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

He looks thoughtful, like he's trying to solve a problem. This isn't going to be simple though—I can't go with him and he can't come with me. There's no way he can monitor me at all times.

"Well, how's this?" he says after a moment, "I'll call or text you throughout the day. I'll wait five minutes for you to respond and if you don't, I'll send the police to your apartment or I'll come check on you personally."

Ugh. This sounds fucking awful. I don't want him to watch me like that. I don't want anyone to watch me like that. I'm not a fucking baby.

"I have classes," I explain, grasping to find a reason why it won't work.

"Well, give me your schedule," he nods, looking like this doesn't inconvenience his plan even a bit, "I won't call during those times but I'll call right after to make sure you were actually there."

"I don't like that idea," I snap.

Gaku looks frustrated but he doesn't budge. "Okay, you don't really have a choice," he says flat-out.

He looks like he's getting impatient with me. I wish I didn't fucking call him. I wish I could have stayed here by myself.

I don't say anything in response. I can't. I don't want to keep fighting. I know I'm the worst. I make things difficult. I don't even mean to, it's like I just can't fucking help it.

The nurse returns a few minutes later and eyes me, looking annoyed. She then says, "You need to put that hospital gown on. You'll be spending the night here and we'll be checking your vitals. It will be easier if you're not all covered up."

I sneer at her.

She isn't phased by my attitude. "There's a bathroom here," she adds, pointing to a little door in the corner of my hospital room. "You can get changed there."

I don't fucking want to.

Fuck.

"Why can't I just keep my clothes on?" I ask her.

"You'll be more comfortable," she insists. "I don't think you want to sleep in jeans and a heavy sweater."

"I don't. Fucking. Want to!" I hiss.

They literally CANNOT make me. They're making me do all this shit I hate and this is the last ounce of my dignity I have left to hold onto.

"Kiba," Gaku says, trying to reason with me, "I know you don't want to. I understand why you don't want to. The doctors just want to do their job and it will make things easier on you."

"I don't want them to do their job," I grimace, and I really don't. I want them to leave me alone and I want to fucking die. I'm so fucking angry and bitter that I'm in this situation.

"I know, I know," he continues, sounding tired, "but it will be okay. Nothing will happen."

I glance at the nurse. She waits for me to get up. I grind my teeth together, grabbing the stupid hospital gown and moving into the bathroom. There's a mirror. I try not to look into it. It still hurts to move around and twist at certain angles. If they see all the bruises, I bet they'll want to check that, too. God, this is the worst. I strip out of my clothes slowly and gingerly. When I put on the hospital gown, I realize it's one of the ones without a back. It just ties and leaves me exposed. At least there is a robe made of the same material, so no one will see anything.

I hear Gaku talking with the nurse. I can't make out what they're saying, though. I hope he's not telling her anything. I don't want her to know anything.

Before I leave the room, I glance at myself in the mirror. I squint, trying to blur my eyes so I only get the faintest look. Still, it's enough. I can see bruises poking out from beneath the flimsy hospital gown. I look like shit. I don't even look like myself. I look so distorted, like a complete stranger. I try to adjust the gown so the bruises will be less visible, but it doesn't hide much.

After a minute, there is a knock on the door followed by, "Kiba?"

It's my uncle.

"One sec…" I murmur back before opening the door. I wrap my arms around myself, feeling uncomfortable.

I half expect the nurse to make a snappy comment about how I finally got my shit together, but she doesn't. She keeps a completely blank face and moves out of the way of the bed so that I have a straight path to it.

Once I've laid back down, she takes my blood pressure and listens to my heartbeat. She doesn't comment on either, she just scribbles down numbers on a clipboard. When she's finished with that, she gives me a curt nod and while leaving the room says, "I'll tell the doctor you're ready for him."

I give Gaku a look of distain and gives me back one of pity. It's obvious that he knows how uncomfortable I am. I wish we could both just leave.

"The doctor is probably going to want to ask you some questions," he explains, "I'll go if you want."

What the hell?

"No… wait," I say as he inches to the door.

He stares at me and I stare back but I can't find it in me to tell him what I want, that I want him to stay. Nonetheless, he seems to figure it out because he nods and says, "All right, I'll stay in here with you."

"Thanks…" I whisper, feeling like a fucking loser.

I just don't want to be alone with the doctor. I know that's irrational. I know he's a professional. I know he's not going to start feeling me up. I know he's seen worse shit than me… but still, it's bothering me.

After a few minutes, the doctor who pumped my stomach reappears. He greets us and then checks his stupid clipboard.

I'm bitter as fuck. I don't want this guy in here. His presence makes me uneasy. He already shoved tubes into my gut and that feels like a huge violation.

"How are you feeling?" is the first thing he asks me.

How am I feeling? Fucking awful. My stomach hurts and I don't know if it's because of the weird black gunk they made me take or because the pills really messed me up.

"Kind of nauseous," I tell him, downplaying the severity. My throat also hurts like a bitch but that's probably my own fault since they had to keep running that tube through my nose.

He makes note of that and then reaches for the remote that controls the angle of the upper half of the bed.

"I'm going to have you lay flat so I can feel your abdomen," he explains, "I want you to tell me if there's any tenderness."

Ugh. Of course there's going to be tenderness. My whole upper body is fucked up right now and it's completely unrelated to this.

I position myself, pulling the bed covers up to my hips before lying down flat on the bed. The doctor presses down, feeling around for a few minutes. At first, his hands are just patting lightly, but then he starts pushing down a little bit harder and my bruises really begin to sting. I can't help but wince and jolt and say, "OW, fuck!"

He raises an eyebrow at that. "Can you pull up the gown?"

"Um, NO," I respond, gripping the bed sheets tight.

"I need to take a look," he says. "You stomach feels swollen."

"It's not from the charcoal," I reply, staring up at him, "so, it's fine."

"Kiba," Gaku cuts in. "Please let the doctor take a look."

Ugh! This is so the opposite of what I want right now. I don't want him to see the bruises. I haven't even fully seen the bruises.

Hesitantly, I roll up the gown, doing my best to exchange it with the bedsheets as I do. The doctor watches as I fumble with the cloth and it's obvious that he's trying to figure out what the hell is going on in my head. Well, tough luck. I'm sure as fuck not telling him.

When I'm finished, I stare up at the ceiling, trying to ignore what's happening. The doctor adjusts the sheets a bit so that he can see my stomach and sides, but when he does he doesn't try to touch me. I guess that answers his question as to why I'm all swollen.

"What are these from?" He asks almost immediately.

"I don't want to talk about it," I say desperately and pleadingly.

It's too fucking awful. It's too embarrassing. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it. I just want the bruises to go away so I can get on with my pathetic existence until I gather up the strength to try and end it properly.

"Son, I'm trying to help you," he reasons.

"I'm not asking you to," I retort.

"They're from his cousin," Gaku decides to answer for me. "My son…"

I perch myself up a little bit and give him a look of disdain. He doesn't look swayed, though.

"It's fine," I try to say, playing the whole thing off. "We just… We were just roughhousing and it got out of hand."

It's a fucking lie and they both know it.

The doctor continues staring down at the bruises and it's making me uncomfortable. I want to pull the gown back down but I know he would just make me show him again.

"These are a couple days old," he comments, probably noting the blackish-green color that they're starting to turn, "have you seen someone about these?"

"No," I snap, "I'm fine."

"Have you been having any difficulty breathing?" the doctor continues, completely ignoring what I just said.

"He just kicked me," I bite back at him, "It was an accident and it's not that bad. My roommate and I already checked for broken ribs so you don't have to touch it."

At that, Gaku lets out a heavy sigh. "Kiba," he says wearily, "stop defending him."

But I have to. I swallow the lump in my throat. I want to tell him that, but I can't. If I don't defend Hiro, I feel like he'll somehow find out and he'll beat me up again.

"You were hit more than once," the doctor states, eying me critically.

"It doesn't matter!" I exclaim desperately. "I'm not going to press charges, so just stop!"

The doctor takes one of my arms and rolls up the sleeve of the robe, examining more bruises. I tear myself out of his grasp and roll my sleeve back down.

Gaku looks fucking upset at all the damage his evil spawn caused. I'm not trying to make him feel bad about it—that's another reason why I don't want to be showing the doctor all the damage. It'll make him feel like worse shit for not being able to control his stupid son.

"Ideally, I'd like to do an X-ray—" the doctor starts.

"You don't need to, I'm literally fine," I insist.

The doctor looks disgruntled and scribbles something on his stupid clipboard. "Is the bruising on your face and neck from the same incident?" he asks.

"Yes," I mumble sheepishly, "but it doesn't matter. It's healing."

It's honestly pretty fucking miraculous that Hiro didn't knock any of my teeth out especially considering how he broke Naruto's nose with one punch. It must have been just the right angle.

"Are you still in contact with this person?" he questions, glancing between me and Gaku.

Yeah. Or I'm sure I will be.

"No," Gaku answers for me, "not after this."

I don't know how he can say that so surely though. There's literally no fucking way to keep Hiro away from me.

I scoff at that, but I don't respond. I just continue lying here like a miserable lump.

"I'm going to get the resident psych," the doctor tells me after a few more annoying questions and a few more unpleasant examinations. "We're going to do an evaluation and your mental state will be assessed."

"I've already been evaluated," I mutter, rolling the hospital gown back down. "That's not necessary."

"It's required," he says. "When someone attempts suicide, these are the steps they need to take before checking out."

I grind my teeth together. "I didn't try to kill myself," I insist. I can barely get the words out with a straight face and I let out a stifled laugh because it's honestly the worst lie ever. I don't know why I even bothered.

"Son, you took a bottle of benzos with a bottle of alcohol," he points out.

I let out a sharp breath. I can't really keep arguing with that.

"Don't tell them shit about Hiro," I grumble under my breath.

Gaku appears unfazed. "Kiba," he reasons, "we've spent your whole life not talking about Hiro. That's what got us in this mess."

He's right, of course, but that doesn't change how I feel about all these hospital workers getting insight into my personal life.

"You can go now," I snap, "I don't need you here for this."

He doesn't budge though.

"Are you going to tell them the truth?" he asks.

"I don't know! Fuck! Sure, why not!?" I exclaim.

Still, he seems unconvinced. "I think I ought to stay," he tells me.

"You really don't need to," I attempt, adjusting the controls on my bed so I can sit up.

"I think I do," he insists, arms crossed.

Of course he thinks so. I'm not exactly giving him any reasons to trust me right now… especially since I pretty much flat out told him I was going to try and off myself again. I shouldn't have said that.

Fuck, this sucks.

The doctor doesn't bother interjecting. He simply excuses himself as he gets the psychologist. A few minutes later, he reappears with a woman who I assume is the psychologist. She is dressed in slacks and a sweater under her white coat.

"Hello," she greets. "My name is Dr. Rin Nohara."

I don't caaaaare.

"The nurses briefed me on your condition," she continues, sitting down beside me, "it sounds like you had kind of a rough night."

Ugh, she's THAT type of doctor. Yeah, I had a fucking rough night. I guess you could fucking say that.

"I just want to get a feel for how you're doing right now," she smiles sweetly, "I was told that you called the paramedics yourself. That was very brave. You should be proud of yourself."

Oh my god, I'm going to freak out if she keeps talking to me like that. I don't need her to validate my choices. They were the wrong ones. I should have stayed and let myself die. It would have been so much easier than all of this bullshit.

"I didn't do it for any good reason," I mutter, feeling bitter and probably sounding it, too. "So, I have no reason to be proud."

I still want to die. That's what it boils down to. I just need to talk to Naruto first.

"Why did you call 911, then?" she pries gently.

"Because I forgot something," I explain, vague as ever.

She nods her head again, urging me to continue, but I don't.

"Kiba," my uncle says my name, trying to get me to cooperate. "Please."

He sounds like he's really pleading with me. It makes me feel guilty again. I really don't like making people feel this way.

I let out a sharp breath, staring off into empty space. "I wanted to talk to my roommate."

She nods, giving me this stupidly sympathetic look. "What did you want to say to them?"

"I wanted to say I was sorry… for always being so shitty," I mumble. "He dealt with too much of my bullshit. I wanted to thank him."

She nods some more, not yet responding. She wants me to talk more, but I don't fucking know what else to say about it. That's it. I wanted to talk to him and reassure him and make sure he knew that he didn't do anything wrong. None of it would have been his fault.

"He like…internalizes shit." I explain, "I knew he would think it was his fault for not trying hard enough or something and I wanted to make sure he knew it wasn't. I didn't want him to like, get fucked up over it."

"Do you really think that talking to him would have made it so that he didn't get upset?" she questions, "I'm sure he would still be unbelievably sad either way."

"Well, yeah, he would be sad," I respond, "I just didn't want to feel guilty. It would have been for the best for both of us."

"Did you ask him if that's what he thought was for the best?"

I scoff at that. "Of course not," I say, "He would have like, freaked out."

"So it wouldn't be for the best," she reasons.

"Yes, it fucking would be," I argue. "No one else knows what's best for me. Only I do. I hate when people act like they know what's good for me. They don't. I do. This would have been for the best. I just wanted to give him something to think about so in the long run he'd be okay."

She can't fight me on this. She won't be able to change my mind.

"So…" she starts slowly, "do you still want to kill yourself?"

"Yes," I say bitingly.

She makes little notes on her stupid clipboard. She continues to ask me questions – about myself and how I feel. Then we move on to WHY I feel this way and I shut down. It's a long fucking story and it's a story I don't want to share with yet another stranger.

But maybe she knows or has some sort of suspicious. I'm sure the other doctor and the nurses felt like something was going on, too. Maybe they told her about some of my behaviors during the exam. Maybe she's piecing things together and making all these assumptions. Well, regardless… no matter what she assumes, it is probably at least somewhat close to the truth.

"I don't want to talk about that," I murmur nonetheless. "It's not important."

"I think it is important," she tells me. "Clearly you are in a lot of pain and I'd like to try and help you deal with it in a way that won't cause you harm."

"I don't think that's fucking possible," I say with a bitter laugh, "I can't deal with this. No one can deal with this. I just don't want to have to think about it anymore."

When it becomes obvious that I'm not planning on giving her any answers, Gaku decides it's time for him to step in.

"We have some issues within our family," he starts, and I give him the meanest look imaginable. I want him to shut up.

The psychologist looks to him expectantly, probably hoping that he can provide better insight as to why I'm being so damn difficult.

"I have a son," Gaku explains, "his name is Hiro. He's about four years older than Kiba."

"Shut up," I hiss.

He stares at me piteously. Ugh I fucking hate that look! If he feels bad he should just fucking stop!

Stop, stop, stop, stop…

Oh, God…

He's going to say it.

He's going to fucking say it and then she'll know.

I feel like I'm going to have some kind of fit or panic attack. I clasp my palms over my ears and flop forward, burying my face into the mattress. It doesn't drown out the sound, though.

"Hiro sexually abused Kiba when they were children."

I grip at my hair and my eyes immediately begin leaking. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I can't bring myself to sit up. I don't want to look at my uncle. I don't want to look at the doctor. I don't want to see the looks on their faces. I just want to fucking die.

"I'm sorry, Kiba," he then adds.

He SHOULD be sorry! Everyone should be sorry!

"Alright," she says, sounding completely unfazed.

She's not even surprised and somehow that makes it worse. What happened to me is horrible—it completely rules my life—and she sounds like she could have guessed it without even batting an eyelash. She probably hears shit like this every single fucking day.

"That must have been extremely difficult," she says a moment later, but it's unclear if it's directed at me or Gaku. I'm still not even looking at her.

When Gaku doesn't respond, I deduce that it was intended for me. I don't care though. I'm not going to respond. I want them all to get the fuck out of here.

Honestly, how DARE Gaku tell them about that. It's not his to share. I don't care if it's about his fucked up son. Everything bad Hiro ever did was directed at me.

This is so humiliating. I don't budge for what feels like a long fucking time. I can't. I feel Dr. Nohara put her hand on my shoulder. I shake her off and she doesn't try again. I don't want her comfort. She probably doesn't even give a shit. She's just doing her job. I'm get another piece of work for her to try and fix.

"Kiba," she says my name, gentle-toned as ever.

I don't reply.

"Kiba, I know this is difficult for you, but if you talk to me I can help you come up with a plan," she tries. "One that doesn't involve suicide."

"You can't," I say, feeling like I have one foot in the grave already. My voice comes out muffled by the bed sheets, but I don't really want to move yet. My hands continue gripping at my hair. I want to fucking rip it all out.

"We can," she insists. "Recovery is possible. You don't have to feel this way forever."

I feel a pair of hands trying to untangle my fingers from my hair. I don't know if it's the psychologist or if it's my uncle. I let it happen and then bring my hands down to swipe at my eyes a bit.

"Kiba, how long did it go on for?" Dr. Nohara asks.

I finally force myself to lift my head up. I stare ahead blankly at the walls and as far away from their gazes as I can. "Six fucking years," I say wetly.

And my body reacted to it every single fucking time. It's what made me hate myself the most.

As soon as I say it, I realize that isn't something that Gaku would know. I look over to him and he has the most pained expression on his face.

"Oh my god," he says, sounding like he might be sick, "I didn't—I mean, none of us—"

None of them ever asked how long though. I would have told them. I wasn't trying to keep it a secret. It was them who wanted to pretend like it didn't really happen.

"Since you were six?" Gaku asks wetly.

I nod my head, not wanting to repeat myself.

Maybe this is why they didn't realize how much it fucked me up. They thought I was older when it started. They probably thought I should have known better.

But I didn't know better. I didn't know anything. I was six years old and Hiro was ten. He knew better. Then I was twelve and he was sixteen. He still knew better. He knew what he was doing the entire fucking time. He's always been horrible, but he didn't care. Messing me up was fun for him. He still likes rubbing it in my face. He likes to hurt people. He likes to humiliate people. I've always been his favorite target. The possibility of seeing him again after last time scares the hell out of me.

I always wonder what would happen if my parents didn't walk in on us. I know things would be very different. I don't really like thinking about it. I know Hiro would still be controlling me though, whether it was by sex or just in other ways. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about the possibility of him still touching me and doing those things. What if I never figured out it was wrong? It took me long enough to realize it when I was twelve. If things went on for even longer than six years… maybe it would have been too late? I'd be so fucked up – more fucked up than I am now. I'd be fucked up in more revolting ways.

I wonder if the psychologist is mad at Gaku. She's probably assuming that he has something to do with why Hiro is so fucking awful. He doesn't though. Hiro has always been fucked up. It might be because of what happened with him and that soccer coach but it might be for other reasons. Gaku is the only person that's been trying to help me out of this mess. He's the only half-decent person in my entire family.

She doesn't linger on that though. Instead, she writes something on her clipboard.

When she's finished, she looks up at me. "I'm so sorry you went through that," she says, sounding sympathetic, "events like that in early childhood can be extremely damaging experiences."

"Yeah, I know!" I choke out. Way to state the fucking obvious lady.

"And you were still in contact with him?" she probes further.

"Yes," I seethe.

"That could have hindered any progress," she says. "It's not easy to have to see your abuser regularly."

"No shit," I mutter. Astute fucking observations. "My parents wanted to forget about it. They wanted me to get over it. So, they made me spend time with him in a 'controlled' setting. I couldn't get over it. I felt resentful. They're fucking crazy. So… I moved out and started living with my friend… but Hiro found out where I live and started coming over."

She nods slowly, maintaining eye contact with me. It gets uncomfortable, so I glance away again. "How have things been since you moved out?"

"I don't know," I mumble. "Fine."

She stares at me and nods, urging me to explain further.

"I don't know!" I repeat myself, louder this time. "Fine! My roommate is really nice."

"Tell me about him," she says.

I know this trick. She's trying to get me to talk about seemingly easy things that might help her piece together other shit.

"He's nice," I reiterate simply.

"So what makes someone nice?"

Oh my god, all her stupid fucking questions are killing me. Whatever though, I guess I'd rather be talking about Naruto than myself.

"He puts up with all my bullshit," I explain, "that's why I wanted to leave him the note saying thank you. He was like, my first real friend."

She nods, scribbling that down. "How long have you know one another?" she asks.

"A long time actually, but we didn't get close until last year when we started college." I say, trying to remember exactly when I first met Naruto, "I know we went to kindergarten together, but I may have known him in preschool too."

"I see," she nods, "and why didn't you spend time with him when you were younger?"

I shrug at that. Part of me feels like it was my parents' fault but it may have been partially mine too. I was a jealous kid. I had trouble keeping friends.

"Kiba?" she says my name, trying to coax out a response.

"I'm not good at making friends," I murmur. "If I do make friends, I usually lose them because I'm not good at keeping in contact with people. My parents… they didn't like people coming over. They didn't like Naruto. They always said he was too rambunctious, but I think they just didn't want me making close friends because they were worried I would tell them secrets."

"But isn't that what friends do?"

I shrug. "They made it seem like a bad thing. I think they were just embarrassed about what happened to me, so they didn't want anyone to ever know… They weren't good at dealing with it." I pause and then mumble, "I don't really want to talk about my parents."

I fucking hate them sometimes.

"All right," she relents. "Tell me more about Naruto."

What the hell does she want me to say? What kind of answer is she fishing for?

"Like what?" I ask her.

"Whatever you want," she says.

"Well, I fucked him," I respond dully.

I don't know what makes me say it. Maybe I'm trying to draw a more severe response out of her. It is kind of starting to piss me off that she's been so unperturbed by everything I've said so far.

She still doesn't react though. She just keeps bobbing her head and writing on that damn clipboard. "I see," she says, "are you gay?"

"No," I respond quickly, "just stupid."

Now that makes her stop. She doesn't seem surprised at all but it's obvious she's trying to think of what to say next.

"Why stupid?" she asks after a moment.

"I don't like guys," I explain, "I just hate myself."

"Is he the only man you've been with?"

"Yeah," I murmur, "but I've 'been with' him many times."

She nods some more. "So, let's talk a little bit about that. You say you slept with him because you hate yourself? What do you mean by that?"

By now, Gaku is sitting in a chair in the corner of the room. He looks like he's going to have a stroke. He probably underestimated how fucked up I am. I think everyone does.

"I dunno," I say. "It's like… I wanted something new to overwrite the old stuff. I've been with a couple girls, but it wasn't the same. It didn't give me that same depressing sense of satisfaction because… the way me and Naruto had sex was like… was like what me and Hiro did…"

My voice gets quieter and quieter, like I can't fucking believe I'm actually saying this shit out loud. It's so shameful.

"So, you felt like you were gaining back control that your cousin took away?" she probes.

"In a sense, maybe… but it's more than that," I murmur. "I can't really explain it… and that sense of satisfaction never lasted. Eventually I'd just feel like shit again and I'd start lashing out. Eventually Naruto cut things off after I had, like, a mental breakdown or something. I told him about Hiro and… he just… he said it couldn't happen again. That pissed me off."

And now he has a stupid boyfriend that he's always preoccupied with.

"When he said you two couldn't do that anymore," the psychologist wonders, "did it feel like you were losing control again?"

"It did." I confirm, recalling the awful string of events that followed that night, "I started freaking out even worse than before. Naruto always put up with it though, even though I kept him at arms length."

"Why did you keep your distance with him?" she presses, "If he already knew the big secret?"

At that, I shrug. "I don't know," I tell her, "I was embarrassed. I kind of knew I might try to sleep with him again. I didn't want to but I knew if I started feeling low enough I might do it anyway. He got this boyfriend though, and I knew it would really mess up our friendship."

I got used to being the center of Naruto's attention and then suddenly I wasn't. Suddenly, it was all about Sasuke Sasuke Sasuke. I mean, looking back on things… I guess it has been that way for a while, but it didn't bug me until Sasuke actually started letting Naruto in. I don't know how he did it so easily. I could never do it and I've been his friend for way longer.

"Did you feel competitive?"

"I used to, but not so much now," I murmur. "I know it doesn't matter how I act because Naruto isn't going to break up with him. Sasuke… he kind of won whatever silent competition I felt was happening."

"Is that why you don't like him?" Dr. Nohara asks. "Because you feel like he is taking Naruto away?"

"I guess," I admit. "I mean… Naruto is probably my only friend at this point. At first Sasuke wasn't a threat and I didn't really care about him, but then some stupid shit happened and Naruto was suddenly totally obsessed with him. So, I started getting annoyed. I begun hating him more and more and when Naruto would ask me why I was being such a dick I couldn't even come up with a good excuse half the time. I'd say I hate Sasuke because he's fake or because this and that…" I pause and frown. "Naruto wasn't ever satisfied with my answers. He had his own analysis. He thought I was jealous. Maybe I was. I don't know."

"I see," she bobs her head up and down, "and how is your relationship with Sasuke on an individual level? Do you know him well?"

"Not that well, although I've known him a long time." I tell her, "He's been like…trying to connect with me lately but I don't really know what to make of it."

"Connect with you in what say?" she urges me to continue.

"I guess he like…got raped or something." I say kind of airily, then pause. It's weird because we've barely had a conversation about it. He tried to bring it up that first time and then screamed at me about it the second time. Anything he knows about me is shit he learned from Naruto.

"Naruto wanted us to talk about it. He thought we could support each other." I tell her finally, finishing my train of thought.

"And you didn't like that idea?"

I shake my head. "I didn't like knowing that Naruto told him stuff. Naruto insists he didn't give Sasuke any specifics, but I mean… he told him enough – enough for him to know what Naruto was talking about in some vague sense."

"How did you react to that?"

I roll my eyes. "Poorly. I freaked out at them both and started acting like an extra big jackass… I think it boils down to the fact that Naruto wants me to be more open. He says it helps to talk things out. He's all about that caring and sharing bullshit and I'm just not. It's hard for me and he gets impatient. So, he tried to bring Sasuke into it because he thought we had something in common… Stupid."

"Don't you have something in common though?" she asks.

"What? Getting raped?" I scoff, "That's a pretty piss poor reason to talk to someone if you ask me. Besides, his situation wasn't anything like mine. What happened to him happened once. He got drugged at a party. His never saw the guy again. End of story. I had to see abuser ALL THE TIME growing up."

"Is it really that different?" Dr. Nohara questions, obviously trying to get me to look at it from a different angle, "The situation may have been different, but I'm sure you and Sasuke have shared many feelings of hurt and resentment. Have you tried speaking with him about those feelings?"

"Well, no," I respond, sitting up a little straighter, "it just made me mad that Naruto was equating our experiences. I felt like he was saying they were the same, which made me feel like he wasn't listening to me or to what happened."

"Did Naruto ever say that though? Did he say he felt like you two had the exact same experiences? Or did he say he felt like you could help one another?"

I blink at that. I guess…the latter?

God, now I kind of feel like an asshole.

"He said we could help one another," I murmur somewhat sheepishly.

I need to stop being so fucking defensive. I always get myself into trouble because of it. This doesn't really change anything, though. I still don't like Sasuke. I know I have no valid reason to feel like this, but I can't really push it away.

"Could you give it a try, then?" she asks.

"I don't think so… I kind of messed it up. He tore into me hard last time we spoke. It was mostly just him yelling and then telling me to stop being a dick to Naruto."

"Could you apologize?"

"I'd rather die than apologize to him," I mumble. "I, like, don't know how to get over how much I hate being around him."

He just sets me off. I wish he didn't. Things would be a hell of a lot easier if we could just be civil to one another.

"You don't have to do it all at once you know," she suggests, "the next time you see him, try to keep those feelings that make you lash out at him under control. If you are able to, you might start to feel more comfortable and like you can address some of the issues you have with one another."

"Um, sure," I comply. I don't really see the point or understand why we're talking about this, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to try. It's not like Sasuke is going anywhere anyway. I should probably try to get my shit together and get along with him.

"Alright," Dr. Nohara says, setting down her clipboard, "now that I have a good idea about what's going on in your life, I want to try to set up a plan to make sure you're okay once you leave here."

"We talked about it already," I tell her, glancing at Gaku.

"He'll be keeping in close contact with me," he informs her. "We came up with a texting plan and I'll be checking in on him every so often."

He continues to explain to her the precautions he's taking. When nods along and when he's done she says, "Will you be telling your roommate?"

"I don't…" I trail off. "I'm not sure."

"Yes," Gaku answers for me. "Kiba, you will have to tell him."

I frown at that, wondering if Naruto will be mad. "Why do I HAVE to?"

"You live with him," Gaku says. "He'll be able to help you."

I scoff. "You mean help monitor me?"

"Kiba," he tries to reason, but I know that that's EXACTLY what he means. "Right now you need to be monitored. You tried to do something very drastic."

Blah, blah, blah.

"Whatever. Fine. I'll tell him," I give in, although I'm not positive I actually will. I'd like to avoid it if possible.

Gaku gives Dr. Nahara a somewhat distressed look, after which she glances and me and says, "You'll come back here to have regular appointments with me as well."

Great. I guess this is a team effort now. All these people breathing down my neck is exactly what I don't want. I guess it's unavoidable though. They'll literally force me into a psychiatric hospital if I don't comply. They'd probably keep me forever too because I absolutely cannot see myself ever calming down long enough for them to want to release me.

"I've been to other another therapist recently," I mention. "Nothing changed."

"Who?" she asks. "I will get the files forwarded."

"Dr. Shizune Kato. She diagnosed me with PTSD."

"All right," Dr. Nohara says. "How many sessions have you had with her?"

"One…"

Not including the ones that involved Akamaru.

"One session won't do much," she explains. "You need something regular to make progress."

Ugh, for fuck's sake. This is so annoying.

With that, she stands up and she motions for Gaku to leave the room with her. They keep the door open and stay within distance, but I can't hear what they are saying. She's probably asking for family history and shit. Boring crap he would know more about than I would.

While they finish their conversation, I just sit in there waiting around like a fucking child. I hate to know that they're probably talking about me. It makes my skin crawl.

When they're finally done, Gaku comes back into the room. "They want to keep you overnight for observation," he tells me, "but I'll be back in the morning to take you home."

I want to pitch a fucking fit, but I don't. I know they're going to make me do more tests and shit I don't want to do, but even if I do get worked up it won't make a difference. I don't want to make a bigger fool of myself than I already have.

"Fine," I tell him tersely. I should probably thank him for coming, but I can't get the words out. It's the least he could do after everything else that's happened I guess.

"I'll see you in the morning," he says. "Thank you for calling me."

"Yeah," I mumble.

I want to thank him. I really do. But the word won't fucking come out. I'll do it later, I guess. I'll try to do it tomorrow.

With that, he leaves and the psychologist comes back in with the doctor who gave me the physical. "We'll station a guard outside your door," he says. "Nurses will be in to check on you periodically. You can sleep, though. We'll do another examination in the morning and then you are free to go. Dr. Nohara told me you came up with a plan to prevent this from happening again."

I scoff and roll my eyes at that. God, I hate this guy. He's all business. He clearly doesn't give a rat's ass about my mental state. He just wants to get rid of me so he can move onto the next patient. Hopefully that person isn't someone who put themselves in here like I did. I bet doctors get sick of it – sick of constantly coming into contact with people like me and then having to waste their effort saving lives who don't even want to be saved.

"Sleep well, Kiba," Dr. Nohara says sweetly.

I wave a dismissive hand at her as she leaves with the doctor. They dim the lights on their way out and I sit there in the dark.

.

.

Come morning, I've barely slept. They meant what they said when they told me there'd be nurses in to check on me, and unfortunately I'm beyond conditioned to be aware of people creeping up on my bedside.

I lay there staring at the blank, white walls until finally around 9 am the doctor comes in.

"Good morning," he tells me, opening the shades and practically blinding me in the process.

I don't respond, but he pays no mind. He gets straight to it.

"I want to take your vitals agains and take another look at those bruises," he tells me, gesturing to my abdomen, "if you're feeling more willing to do an x-ray then I was hoping we could take care of that this morning."

"No, I still don't want to." I try to say, but it barely comes out because my throat is so fucking sore.

He relents and checks my vitals before taking another look at my abdomen. This time, he touches me but he doesn't push too hard. I stare up at the ceiling, trying to ignore it. It doesn't hurt that much, but it doesn't feel pleasant, either.

When all is said and done, he says, "Everything looks good apart from those bruises."

"Well, whatever," I respond. "I'm not getting any x-ray."

"If they aren't healing properly, I want you to come back," he says.

"Whatever," I repeat.

With that, he moves towards the door. "I'll send a nurse in to bring you food."

"I don't want food," I tell him, sitting up. "Just water… and call my uncle! I want him to hurry up."

The doctor simply nods his head before leaving. He probably thinks I'm such a damn brat, but I don't really give a rat's ass.

About a half hour later, Gaku appears in the doorway.

"Hey champ," he greets me, and it's crazy how relieved I am to see him. I never thought I'd be happy to see anyone in my family.

"They told me that they just have to finish writing up your release papers," he says as he enters the room, approaching my bedside, "Here, I brought you some clean clothes to wear home."

He reaches into the canvas bag he's carrying and pulls out a pair of pants and a sweater. When he places them on my lap, I eye them warily.

"These aren't Hiro's, right?" I ask, trying to see if I can identify the articles of clothing.

"Oh my god, no." Gaku shakes his head, "They're mine from when I was younger. I was hoping that if I got back into shape they'd fit me again, but I think it's time to let that dream go."

I force out a laugh and then say, "Okay."

I take a few sips of the water glass the nurse had me sip on while waiting and then I get up, heading to the bathroom to change. The clothes fit decently well. I feel so much better now that I'm out of that stupid, shitty hospital gown.

After exiting the room, Gaku asks, "How did you sleep?"

"Not well," I say. "Nurses kept coming in to make sure I didn't somehow manage to kill myself. I'm going to try and sleep when I get home."

Gaku nods. "Good idea. You should also try to eat and maybe drink something. I can get you Gatorade from the vending machine on our way out if you want?"

"Sure," I relent, not really caring either way.

So, we stop and he gets me a drink. It's still hard to swallow, but the cool liquid feels good on my throat. Then we walk out to the hospital parking lot and I get in the front seat of an SUV that I haven't ridden in since I was a child. I give Gaku directions to the apartment since he hasn't been there before, and after a minute of letting the car warm up we're on our way.

I look out the window for most of the car ride. I'm feeling really anxious about having to tell Naruto. I wonder if he's going to be mad at me. He probably is.

The whole thing is so fucking stressful. I wish I could go back to before any of this happened. Then I wouldn't have to explain myself to everybody. Then an entire hospital staff wouldn't know that I tried to kill myself and that my cousin raped me. Then Naruto wouldn't have to deal with my mess, yet again.

I would have done it properly. I would have talked to Naruto first, or written a fucking note – anything to communicate some sort of reassurance to him. Then I'd take the pills.

I really fucked up. Last night was terrible. It was probably one of the top three distressing moments of my life, that's for fucking sure… Not including all the times Hiro raped me, I guess. I can't even count a number of times that happened on all my fingers and toes.

I don't really know how Naruto is going to react. I think he'll be shocked, though. He's the kind of guy who never assumes the worst about people. That's his mistake. I feel like if he was more realistic and less optimistic, he might've been prepared for something like this.

I glance at me uncle as he eyes the road. He looks tired. I wonder if it's because of me.

"Thank you," I muster up meekly.

He smiles wearily. "You're welcome, Kiba."

The rest of the ride is silent and soon we're parking in front of my building. Gaku insists on walking me up to my apartment. I try to protest and tell him it's fine, but he isn't swayed.

As we key in and head up the stairs, I start feeling more and more anxious. Is Naruto going to be waiting for me? If not, has he been running around all night trying to find me? Ugh, if that's the case he's going to be seriously pissed off when he sees me. I left my phone when the paramedics picked me up, so he might have been trying to call me for hours.

When we reach the front door, the first thing I realize is that it's in completely fine condition. It surprises me, because I know for a fact they kicked my bedroom door in. Thinking back, maybe I forgot to lock this one? I guess my mind wasn't really in a super stable place.

I try the knob and realize it's unlocked now too, which means either no one has been home or someone is home right now.

I let myself in and then call, "Naruto…?"

He doesn't appear. Instead, Sasuke does. "He's not here."

"Where is he?" I ask, probably sounding somewhat frantic.

Fortunately, Sasuke doesn't give me any funny looks. If he did, I'd probably say something snotty and we'd start fighting like always. "Naruto left for class," he tells me. "We got in late last night and he woke up kind of late."

Then maybe they didn't notice I was gone? Usually I'd be mad at a thing like that, but this time it's probably for the best. If Naruto was freaking out over me, then Sasuke probably wouldn't be acting this way. So, they must not know.

"Oh," I murmur.

"Kiba, want me to stick around?" my uncle asks.

"No, no…" I say dismissively. "I'm fine."

Gaku nods and turns back towards the door. "I'll be messaging you," he tells me on his way out, "remember—five minutes."

"Yeah," I wave dismissively, trying to play it off. Once he's gone, Sasuke gives me a funny look and I feel the panic rising inside my chest. I want Naruto to come back. I want to talk to him.

"Who was that?" he questions.

"My uncle," I answer hoarsely.

"Oh," Sasuke sounds surprised, "I didn't know you were in contact with any of your family. Are you getting sick by the way? Your voice sounds kind of fucked up."

He's being oddly pleasant and it's making me feel even weirder.

"No, I just –" I cut myself off and instead say, "I need to talk to Naruto. Where is he? It's really important."

"I told you he's at school," Sasuke points out.

"But when is he coming back?" I ask.

"Probably not until three or four. He has three courses today." A pause. "Can whatever you need to speak to him about wait?"

I clutch my chest, grabbing the material of the shirt my uncle gave me, "Yeah… I guess it will have to."

I slip out of my shoes and turn around to shut the front door, locking it for good measure. With that, I head to my own bedroom. It's opened and dark inside. I flick the light on and the pile of puke looks revolting. It still looks kind of slick yet half-dried and you can see the barely digested pills. I flick the light back off and go to the bathroom, grabbing paper towel and a cleaning solution from under the sink. I feel like I need to get rid of this before Naruto comes home. I don't want him to see it.

Back in my room, I close my door, wishing I could lock it. I flick the light back on and try my best to clean the mess.

Gross. I wish I had gotten to this sooner. I really hope that it doesn't leave a stain. I don't want to have to pay to replace the rug on top of the door.

While I'm cleaning, Akamaru—who must have been sleeping on my bed—comes down and pads over to me. He whines and rubs up against my knees. He must have missed me. God, I hope it didn't traumatize him when the paramedics broke in and took me.

I spend the next ten minutes trying to clean the half dissolved pills out of the carpet fibers. It's hard, and I kind of just end up rubbing them in deeper.

Ugh. This is fucking stressful. Nothing is going how I want it to.

I keep spraying and scrubbing and spraying and scrubbing. When it looks as good as it's going to get, there is still a stain.

Great.

A permanent reminder of my greatest failure.

I stand up and stare down at the mess before leaving the room again, disposing of the paper towels and putting the cleaning solution back under the sink. I wash my hands for a few minutes. Akamaru follows me around. Poor dog. I hope he wasn't distressed all night long.

I need to feed him. I probably need to take him on a walk, too. No one was here to do it. I glance at him, feeling even worse. He whines and rubs his face against me.

I'm such a fucking bad owner. I feel guilty as hell.

As I'm headed back from the bathroom, I spot Sasuke sitting on the couch. He nods his head in acknowledgment and I nod in return. Then I head back into my room. I sit on my bed. I stare at the fucking stain.

Fuck.

I lean forward and put my head between my knees. I take a few deep breaths. Then I hear my phone beep.

Uggggggh. I sit up and look around, spotting it on the floor by my nightstand. I pick it up and see that I have a message from Gaku.

"Checking in," it reads.

"I'm fine." I tap back quickly, hitting send.

I toss my phone aside. I really need Naruto to get home. Part of me wants to call him and ask him to cut the rest of his classes, but that would be shitty of me – especially considering the fact that he would. He wouldn't even hesitate… but he shouldn't have to do that for me. I shouldn't ask him to do things like that. So, I don't. I stay still for a while, feeling restless as hell and really emotional. I feel like I'm in this permanent state of almost-crying.

Akamaru whines a little bit. I force myself up again and decide to fill up his food dish and then take him for a walk. I try to muse a bit, but I still feel hopeless as fuck.

We walk around the block a couple times before returning to the apartment. My head doesn't feel any clearer.

Back inside, I remove Akamaru's leash and then remove my sneakers. In the living room, Sasuke says, "Do you need anything…?"

"Why?" I ask hoarsely.

"You just seem off," he points out.

I stare at him critically. "Why are you being nice?"

He rolls his eyes. "If you're having a hard time, I'm not going to make things worse for you by being a jerk for no reason… and honestly, it looks like you're having a hard time."

"Gee, thanks," I mutter, but I can't really get mad because he's fucking right. I feel like roadkill. I look like roadkill. I even sound like roadkill.

"I'm really not trying to upset you," Sasuke insists. God, he even looks genuine.

"I know," I respond, trying to remember what the hospital psychologist pointed out about me jumping to conclusions.

I feel like I'm on the verge of another mental breakdown. The fact that I go through such aggressive ups and downs is fucking exhausting and my coping skills are still completely insufficient.

I stare at Sasuke across the room. He looks concerned as hell.

"I just…was really hoping Naruto would be home," I try to explain, my voice getting shakier with every word, "I need to talk to him."

"What do you need to talk to him about?" Sasuke presses, "Can I help?"

By now I can feel my hands starting to tremble. "Um," I fumble with the leash.

I literally feel like I can't breathe. I set down Akamaru's leash, feeling a wave of dizziness wash over me. My heart palpitates and my chest aches. I don't want to do this in front of Sasuke, so I go back to my room and start fucking hyperventilating. Unfortunately, Sasuke follows me and since my door doesn't lock, he just pushes it open and comes in.

"Fuck," I choke out, sitting on the floor against my bed. My hands feel numb and I can't stop shaking and sweating. I feel like I'm going to pass out or something.

Sasuke kneels down in front of me and asks, "Are you having a panic attack?"

"I don't fucking know!" I spit.

"All right," Sasuke says in this business-like tone. "You need to slow your breathing down. I'm going to count to ten. Only take a breath when I count, okay?"

I want to fight him on it, but I just don't have the energy. So I just muster up a nod and he begins counting to ten slowly. I breathe with each number he says. We repeat it. I don't know for how long, but soon my breathing begins evening out again and the dizzy feeling goes away.

Sasuke stares at me. "Are you okay now?"

I let out a bitter laugh, leaning against my bed and staring up at the ceiling. "Not really."

"Where were you all night?" he asks. "We assumed you were home…"

"I was at a hospital," I say bluntly, concentrating on the speckles and spots on the ceiling. "I tried to fucking kill myself."

Sasuke pauses for a moment like he's trying to process what I just said. When he finally does, he looks mortified.

"What the fuck?" he blurts out, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"No!" I try to say, but it comes out more like a sob, "It was fucking awful!"

"What did you do?" Sasuke asks urgently, glancing around my room and obviously trying to piece together the incident, "How did you even—?"

"I got a bunch of sleeping pills from the student health center." I explain feverishly, "I took them with vodka and puked them all over the fucking floor." I pause, putting my head in one hand and indicating the spot on the carpet I was just cleaning with the other. "I called 911 on myself. How fucking pathetic is that?"

Sasuke looks beyond shocked. He seems like he has no idea what to say. I wouldn't know what to say to me either.

"Did… you change your mind?" he asks slowly.

"No," I murmur, pushing the hair out of my face. "I just… I wanted to talk to Naruto. I wanted to leave a note or something at least… telling him that it wasn't his fault and whatever…"

Sasuke lets out a breath. "It wouldn't fucking matter if you left a note. It wouldn't matter what you said, if you killed yourself he'd be beyond distraught. I don't know if he'd ever recover! Especially since he would have been the one to find you."

"He would have been okay in the long run," I insist. "I mean… his parents died and he's fine."

"He was five years old," Sasuke explains. "Children are resilient… perhaps more so than adults. If you did this now… He would handle it a lot differently. I mean… events like this in our later life always shape us in different ways. You can't predict how Naruto would have reacted."

I frown. I don't really know what to say. I guess he's right. I don't know what Naruto would do. I don't know how he would react. I don't know what he'll say when I tell him what I tried to do.

When I don't respond, Sasuke sits down on the floor directly in front of me. He stares hard at me, like he's trying to figure out what's going on in my head. Hah. As if he could know.

"If you took a bunch of pills…are you okay now?" He presses, "Are you going to be alright?"

"Okay" is so fucking subjective.

"Yeah, I mean, they pumped my stomach," I croak, "I passed out and they stuck a fucking tube up my nose."

Sasuke nods. "Is that why your voice is so raspy?" he asks.

"Probably." I tell him, "They had to do it twice because I was being noncompliant. That probably made it worse."

He nods his head slowly, urging me to continue.

"The doctors and nurses were all assholes," I add in a mutter, "but I guess I wasn't making their job any easier."

"I'm sorry you had to go through that," Sasuke says, "and I'm sorry you felt like this was your only option."

I scoff at that. Yeah, I'm fucking sorry, too. Sorry I screwed up what might have been the only chance I got. Now I'm too full of doubt. Would Naruto take my death THAT hard, like Sasuke seems to think? It's kind of hard to imagine anyone reacting like that just because I died.

"It's whatever," I mumble.

"No, it's not," Sasuke replies. "You should… talk. There ARE people who want you here. You should talk to those people."

"I just…don't feel like that's true," I argue, "I don't see how it possibly could be. I'm such a pain in everyone's ass."

Sasuke smirks at that. "Well THAT'S true," he jokes, trying to keep things light but I'm really not in the mood, "but that doesn't mean that people don't want you around or don't care about you. Naruto probably cares about you more than he cares about anyone else. Why do you think he's so willing to put up with it?"

I shrug at that. He's permissive. He wants everyone to be happy. He has a hero complex and I'm the biggest challenge. There's a million reasons that he'd put up with me when he shouldn't.

It sucks. I feel like I take advantage of him big time and he is usually too nice to put me in my place for it.

"I need to try and be less shitty," I murmur, "but it is literally impossible for me."

"Just try to work on yourself slowly," Sasuke says. "Even a little bit of progress is still progress."

It just won't feel like enough until I am the person I want to be. I feel like that won't ever fucking happen because I'm so screwed. Like, it's too late for me or something or I'm too far gone. I don't even know.

"I just don't fucking know how," I say sadly.

Sasuke looks stuck on that too. He seems like he's trying to problem solve this for me which is surprising considering the last conversation we had was pretty much him screaming at me for being such an asshole.

"I know this probably sounds rich coming from me," he says finally, "but it does help to be open about your feelings. With yourself and other people. I've been trying to work on it lately. Naruto is making me and I have actually been feeling better."

Hah. Well, that fucking sounds like him.

"I feel like I'm too far gone," I admit, "I've been like this forever and nothing seems to help."

"Can you force yourself?" he ventures. "I know that sounds brutal, but it can sometimes work. I mean, I do it sometimes and I don't ever regret it after. If Naruto asks me if I'm okay and I'm not I don't lie anymore, even if I really want to."

I let out a sigh. "I don't know. That sounds too easy."

"Well... try it now," he challenges. "I'll ask you a question and you can try and force yourself to answer."

I don't really have much to lose at this point. I am quite honestly at my limit. So, I let out another sigh and simply nod my head, wordlessly telling him I will try to play a long.

"Okay," he says decidedly. "How do you feel right now?"

"Well, bad," I deadpan. "We've been over this."

"Why do you feel bad?"

I try not to get annoyed. "Because it didn't work. I tried and it didn't work."

"What were you thinking when you tried to kill yourself?"

I shrug. "I have no other option. I give up. Everyone would be better off."

"Why did you feel like that?"

God, the questions seem pointless as hell - they are things I've already answered or things he already knows. But maybe he is just building me up for heavier questions. I don't fucking know.

"Because I'm the worst?" I reply, "I can't keep myself under control. I'm always freaking out on everyone around me and they suffer because of it. I don't want to keep doing that. I just wanted to remove myself from the equation."

Sasuke nods thoughtfully at that, "And why can't you keep yourself under control?"

"That's just how I am," I bite out, "it's my personality."

"No," he says quickly, like he expected my response and had already planned to shut it down, "if that's just how you are then tell me WHY."

I give him a dumbfounded look. He knows the answer to that already. Is he just trying to get me to say it out loud?

"Because of my cousin," I state.

"What did he do?" Sasuke probes even further.

I scowl. "You know what he did."

I fucking blurted it out right in front of him. He knows.

He gives me a look. "Kiba, just answer the questions. What did he do?"

"He raped me," I mumble. "For six years."

Sasuke nods his head slowly. He doesn't look piteous, thankfully. I hate pity. He just looks like he's trying to store all the information I'm giving him. "And how did that affect you at the time?"

"Well, it fucked me up," I state.

"How?"

I wrinkle my nose. "He made it seem… normal…" I say shamefully, "Like what we were doing was totally fine. Like, I didn't really know what sex was. What we were doing was just… just something cousins did. Then my parents caught us. I was twelve. He was sixteen. My parents got mad and kicked him out and I thought they were just being mean. I still couldn't comprehend that what we were doing was bad. So, they called his parents and they kept us separated for a while. I kept asking where he was, though. I really missed him. He was, like, my only friend. He kept me so isolated… and after it happened my parents were paranoid people would find out. So, they kept me isolated and I never got any support. I had to learn things on my own and I just felt disgusted."

It's hard to keep talking about this shit. My voice gets shakier as the conversation gets heavier.

"And how does it affect you now?" Sasuke asks.

"It's really hard," I tell him wearily. It's a strain to get the words out. I'm getting all worked up again. "It like…feels so hopeless, like I'll never be able to get away from him. Everything reminds me of what he did: looking at my own reflection, sleeping in my bed, even eating fucking Cheerios because it's the snack he would always give me when he used to babysit."

"You have invasive thoughts," Sasuke concludes for me, "what else?"

I knot my fingers in the fabric of the sweatpants Gaku let me borrow. "It's scary," I admit, barely keeping it together, "he still has so much interest in me and knows exactly how to manipulate me. I feel like he could get me to do whatever he wanted, even now."

"So, you feel vulnerable around him?" he prods.

"Well… yeah," I admit. "He's seen me at my best and he's seen me at my worst. He's seen my in every way possible, in every fucking position. I was a child and I looked up to him. He taught me a lot and not all of it was even bad. I know it sounds so fucked up and disgusting, but he was my first everything…"

"You have conflicting feelings?"

"I always teeter," I admit. "I hate him so much for what he did when we were kids and what he did to me the other week. He never did anything like that to me when we were little… I don't really know which was worse."

"If he tried to touch you again, do you think you'd let him?"

The question is so ugly.

Would I lie down and take it like I always did?

"Yeah, probably," I admit quietly. "But I don't think he would. It was never really about sexual gratification for him and he's not a pedophile. He's just… obsessed with controlling me and that's how he did it."

"Don't make excuses for him." Sasuke says, putting up a hand, "What do you mean he's not a pedophile?"

"I'm not trying to defend him, he literally isn't." I explain, "If he was, he'd like…" I pause. Ugh. There's really no good way to say this. No matter which way I put it together in my head it ends up sounding so fucking gross.

"He would have moved on," I say, finally getting the words out, "I have other, younger family members. He would have picked a different victim. He wouldn't have stuck with me for so long."

On one hand, I'm relieved. I would never wish this on anybody else, especially my baby cousins. On the other hand, it means this is never going to stop. He's going to be following me forever.

"Why do you think he did what he did, then?" Sasuke asks.

"I don't know," I admit. "I asked him, but he has never told me."

"If you could speculate, what would you think was the case?"

I let out a breath. "Well… he was molested by his soccer coach when he was a kid. He talks about it like it's not even a big deal. I don't think he registered it like it was harmful. He knows it was, but it doesn't fuck him up like it fucked me up? Maybe he thinks, like… it's how you connect. Or maybe he just wanted to control me because his coach took away his control. He wanted to see what it was like to be the one in charge. I don't know. It's fucking… It's just complicated. I can't assume. There are too many possibilities."

"Yeah?" Sasuke asks, telling me to continue.

Honestly, I could speculate forever, but it wouldn't really matter. I'll still never have a concrete answer.

In the end, it's all about control. I hate knowing that I have none.

"It made me feel weak. It still makes me feel weak." I mumble, "I just wish I could have power over something for once instead of the other way around."

Sasuke nods slowly. "A lot has happened in the past year," he says.

Yeah, no shit. I feel like I was so much stable not even a year ago. I remember back before Naruto had ever even seen me get sick at a party. Shit started to get really fucked up when we slept together. Ugh. It still makes me uncomfortable. I don't feel like I'll ever be able to forget about those times. It's always going to taint our friendship. That thought makes me so damn miserable.

"I've done a lot of stupid shit," I whisper.

"Like what?"

I scoff. "Like sleeping with Naruto."

I glance at Sasuke, gaging his reaction. He doesn't look thrilled about the topic, but he doesn't look bitter or jealous, either. Maybe I was secretly searching for jealousy, but clearly I'm not going to get it from him. It's for the best, I suppose. I don't even know why I want to make him jealous. I shouldn't be trying to hurt him when he's being nice as hell. I guess this is just further proof at how screwed in the head I am.

"I remember that," is all Sasuke responds with. "You're not gay, are you?"

"No," I confess.

"Then why did you do those things with him?"

I dragged Naruto into such a fucking mess.

I feel so bad about that. It was such a fucked up thing to do. The worst part is that if I was given the chance I would probably do it again, even though him and Sasuke are dating. If I was feeling low enough I would make the wrong choice. I might even feel like I won because of it.

I felt abandoned when Naruto told me we had to stop. Up until then, he was really into it. I had him wrapped around my finger.

"Because I hate myself," I confess. I don't know what else to say about it. It's what I told the hospital psychologist and it's the truth.

"So you slept with Naruto," Sasuke blinks. He probably thinks I'm so fucking repulsive for doing something like that, especially to someone he cares about.

"I know I'm a bad friend, okay?" I exclaim.

"I'm not saying that," Sasuke replies calmly. "It's just sad. It's sad that you feel that way."

Of course, it's fucking sad! More than that, it's downright pathetic and wrong as hell.

"I used him," I murmur. "I used him to gain back control of a fucked up situation… I used him to give myself this twisted sense of satisfaction. I used him to hurt myself and I know he'd fucking die if he knew that and thinking about how he'd react to hearing me say that makes me feel so fucking guilty…"

"I think he has an inkling already," Sasuke informs me.

That doesn't shock me.

"Great," I whisper weakly.

I'm still so ashamed of it. I'm ashamed I let Naruto see me like that. It's an ugly side of myself I don't like to acknowledge exists. I'm seriously the worst person in the world. I wish I wasn't like this. I'm not trying to hurt all the people in my life, but I AM hurting them.

"It's okay, Naruto understands what you were in a bad place," Sasuke tries to assure me, but it doesn't make me feel any better.

"It's not okay!" I practically shout, slamming a fist on the carpet.

It's not. It's so far from okay. Nothing about this is okay.

"It is," Sasuke insists.

Tears start leaking from my eyes and I just kind of let it happen. Ugh, I feel so fucking emotional, like all I've been doing lately is crying. It's not even worth it to try to keep it in anymore. I've already embarrassed myself beyond repair anyway. It's not like anyone's opinion of me could get any lower.

I glance up at Sasuke, but he still has a completely straight face.

"I'm sorry," I sob out. I feel like I'm apologizing to him for a lot of shit. He deserves to hear it. Finally.

I want him to forgive me. I don't even know why.

"I know," Sasuke says. "It's okay."

I stare down at the carpet, unable to maintain eye contact. I just start fucking bawling, like I can't help it. When it starts I can never stop. It's like some sort of chain reaction. I cry about one thing, then another, then another, and then another until my body literally dehydrates.

Sasuke puts a hand on my shoulder and it burns, just like any time someone touches me. Before he can even attempt to speak, the front door swings open. If I could choke back my tears, I'd choose now to do it, but I can't.

"Hellooooo!" Naruto calls cheerily.

Sasuke gets up and moves towards my bedroom door. "In here!" he calls back.

Naruto appears a second later and looks surprised to see Sasuke and I willingly within five feet of one another. He looks even more surprised when he catches a glimpse of my face as I try to suck the tears back in the best I can. It's kind of a futile effort.

"Are you okay?" he asks, moving into the room.

I glance from him to Sasuke and Sasuke gives me a serious look. "Tell him," he says sternly.

I don't though. I can't. I feel too fucking awful. Instead, I lean forward and hug my knees, blinking and letting the drops fall from my eyes to the floor.

Sasuke doesn't miss a beat. He looks at Naruto and says, "Kiba was in the hospital last night."

"What?" Naruto immediately asks. "Why?"

Sasuke glances back at me again, but I still don't answer. So, he once again answers for me. "He tried to kill himself."

I can't describe the look on Naruto's face, but it's horrible and I wish I could forget it. He looks devastated. I've never seen someone look that devastated before. Just like that, I know that the psychologist was right. I know that Sasuke was right. Maybe Naruto wouldn't have been okay if I succeeded.

"What?" he whispers weakly. He eyes me and says, "Why would you do that?" But I can't muster up a response. Naruto lets out a laugh and then a sob. "Are you guys kidding? 'Cause if so, this is a real mean joke."

"No," I whisper. "It's not a joke."

"Kiba," he chokes out, looking absolutely heartbroken.

"I'm sorry," I blubber. I don't know what else to say. I can't make up for this. I fucked up. I really, really fucked up.

"You should be!" he shouts, his voice getting louder and louder, "I mean, are you fucking KIDDING me!?"

Now he's crying too. It's completely unrestrained and Sasuke looks like he's pained at the sight of it. He's given up on his poker face.

"I'm sorry." I repeat, "I thought it would be for the best…I was wrong…I—"

"Yeah you were fucking wrong!" Naruto cuts me off, practically howling, "You were just going to fucking kill yourself and wait for me to find you!?"

He swipes at his eyes. "Do you know what that would have done to me?"

"I know!" I shout. "I'm sorry, okay? I was being selfish! I wasn't thinking straight..."

He lets out another sob. "God…" he moans. "Oh, God…"

Naruto raises his shaky fingertips to his closed eyelids and continues bawling like he just can't believe what's happening. It makes me feel bad. Really bad. Sasuke approaches him and puts a hand on his arm, but Naruto doesn't stir from his aforementioned position. He just keeps standing there and crying. All I can do is stare at him because I didn't expect this. I thought he'd get angry… and he did… but I didn't think he'd get so devastated to go along with it.

It's true that Naruto internalizes shit. He's doing it right now. He's sensitive. Maybe this is how his parents' death affected him. He always insists it hasn't, but maybe it has in ways that go unnoticed. Maybe this is why he always surrounds himself with people. Maybe this is why he wants everyone to love him. Maybe this is why he can't stand the thought of losing anyone.

Sasuke rubs his shoulder for a few minutes, but it doesn't really do much to calm him down. After what feels like a while, Naruto lowers his hands and stares at me. Of all the times I've seen him cry, it's never been like this. Usually it has been over something dumb, like a sad movie or even his breakup with Sakura. I've never seen him cry like this. It's unsettling. I keep thinking about how he would have reacted to finding my dead body. It would have been worse than this.

I stare at him and he stares back. His eyes continue leaking. He lets out this long, shuddery sigh and approaches me, kneeling down in front of me.

"I'm sorry," I choke out again.

He wraps his arms around me tightly. It aches in certain spots where it's bruised, but I don't really care. I just want him to stop fucking crying. He keeps mumbling things in my ear like, "Don't… Just get help… Please…"

I can't respond. I can't. I just sit here and let him cry and hold onto me. I made a mistake. There's just too much fucked up suffering in the world. I thought I'd take some of it away, but I did the opposite.

When Naruto's done hugging me, he sits backs and stares. He doesn't let go though—he keeps his hands wrapped tightly around my arms, like he's afraid I'll try to leave.

"What did you do?" he asks. It comes out cold and harsh, even though he's still half crying.

I don't even want to say it. It's too bad. He's going to be so angry.

It takes me a minute to work up the courage. "I took pills, " I stammer, and his brow furrows.

"Where the fuck did you even get them?" he hisses.

"The school health center," I answer, "I said I was having trouble sleeping—they just handed them over."

"So you lied."

I nod slowly and Naruto lets go with one hand, bringing it to his forehead.

"Do you have more?" he asks. He sounds so fucking critical.

"No," I mumble shamefully, "I took them all."

He continues to eye me like he's unsure whether or not he should believe me. "Are you lying?"

"No!" I insist. Nonetheless, he stands up and starts tearing through my room. He examines every drawer, every compartment, and every pocket he can find. It annoys me, but I don't protest. If this is what it takes to get him to calm down, then he can fucking go right ahead.

"Naruto…" Sasuke tries to reason as his boyfriend continues to trash my bedroom.

This is so dumb.

"Naruto!" Sasuke shouts this time. "Calm down!"

"No!" Naruto retorts.

I don't want them to start fighting because of me. I just want them both to sit down and shut up.

"There's nothing left," I maintain as Naruto rifles through my shit, "you're not going to find anything. I literally took all of them—why would I save them?"

At that, he pauses, giving me an incredulous look. It doesn't matter though, most of my wardrobe is already piled on the floor.

"I promise," I tell him, but he doesn't seem swayed.

He crosses his arms and sits down on my bed in a huff. "So who found you?" he snaps, "Who took you to the hospital?"

"No one found me," I explain, shaking my head and staring at the floor, "I called an ambulance for myself."

At that, Naruto's demeanor changes. He looks surprised.

"You called?"

"Yeah," I reaffirm, "I freaked out. I felt guilty. I called and they came and bashed in my door. I'll pay to fix it…I'm sorry."

"I'm glad you called…" he murmurs. "What made you change your mind?"

I stare at him from the corner of my eye. He's not really crying anymore, thank fuck. It's easier to look at him when he's not.

"I didn't at that point… I just…" I pause. "I just wanted to talk to you. I kept thinking about that. I kept thinking about how you'd react."

He tilts his head to the side. "Well, I'm here now…"

"I know," I say, "and now that you are I feel like I'm at a fucking loss for what to say. I'm sorry, okay? I'll… I'll try harder."

I feel like I've been apologizing too much. It's probably getting stale, but I don't know how else to make things okay. Things are NOT okay.

"I'm sorry, too," Naruto mumbles. "Sorry I trashed your room."

"It's fine," I shrug, looking around at the disheveled clothing and open drawers, "I guess I probably deserve it. There's no reason you'd have to trust me."

"I'll help clean it up," Naruto offers.

"Thanks," I whisper.

For a moment, all three of us are quiet. It's an awkward and intense kind of silence like Naruto and Sasuke are trying to figure out what to ask me next.

"So you were in the hospital overnight?" Naruto asks as Sasuke moves across the room and sits down next to me on the floor.

"Yeah, it was horrible," I confirm, "the doctors and nurses were assholes."

Sasuke nods wearily and as he does, my phone beeps.

Jesus christ. How often is Gaku planning on checking in on me?

"Sorry," I say, reaching up onto my bed and grabbing it, "it's probably my uncle. I have to reply."

I take a look at my phone. Yup, it's my uncle. I tell him everything is fine and I add that I told Naruto. I know he'll probably be pleased to know that.

I set my phone back down and Naruto gives me a questioning look. I guess this is going to be how it is from now on. He'll want to know every little fucking thing.

"My uncle is going to be checking in on me a lot," I explain in a mumble. "If I don't answer, he calls the cops."

"Good," Naruto says. "That's a good idea."

Whatever.

"Hey…" he adds. "What will you do if Hiro tries to text you or message you on Facebook?"

I shrug. "I don't know…" I confess.

Naruto looks pained. "Well… Well, what will you do if he tries to come over?"

"I don't know," I repeat, gesturing to my face and torso, "I mean, you know happened the last time I told him to leave me alone."

"Are the bruises from him?" Sasuke asks, looking appalled. Naruto must not have told him, which I appreciate, but is really surprising.

"From last week," I nod, "he like, essentially broke in. He pounded on the door until I let him in."

"I tried to get Kiba to go to the hospital then," Naruto interrupts, "but he didn't want to. We did first aid at home."

"If it makes you feel any better I have to go back to get checked out again anyway," I mumble angrily, "the doctor felt me all up last night because he thought the swelling was from the drugs I took."

"Good," Naruto says stubbornly. "He fucked you up real bad."

"I know," I respond, feeling bitter.

I don't know what it will be like when I see Hiro again. It's inevitable. I don't really think there's anything I can do to prevent it. I can try to lock myself away, but he will force his way in. He always does. He always fucking manages somehow.

"He made the decision to kill myself easy," I add quietly. "I don't want to keep doing this. I hate being around him, but he won't leave me alone."

"Get a restraining order," Naruto suggests.

"He thinks he's above the law," I murmur. "It would be useless. He probably wouldn't give a fuck. He'd find a way."

Naruto lets out an impatient sigh. "He can't, though. That's what a restraining order is."

"Well, look, I don't want to have to tell a group of people why I don't want my cousin anywhere near me," I say somewhat sharply.

Naruto gives me a look. It's a look that makes me feel like he thinks I'm not trying hard enough.

"What?" I ask, trying not to sound snappy.

"You're better at talking about it than you used to be," he reasons, "I think you should at least think about it."

"It's not as simple as that," I try to explain, "I don't think you understand how this makes me feel. It makes me feel so dirty. It's easy for you to say that it's all Hiro's fault and that he's a disgusting person, but when people find out they look at me differently. I'm like the product of something horrendous."

"I don't look at you differently," Naruto insists.

"You do sometimes, though," I say. "When I give you detail, you get this look on your face and you start acting so fucking piteous of me. I hate that."

"But that doesn't mean I see you any differently," Naruto argues. "I still see you the same way as I always do."

"And how do you see me?" I decide to pry.

"You're my best friend," he says simply.

It's weird that he can say that after all the shit I put him through… after all the times we've slept together.

"Even now?" I ask.

"Yeah, even now," he promises.

I nod my head slowly and then stare down at the carpet again. I guess it's a relief. I don't really want to lose him. I don't want to be alone. I'd for sure go crazy if I was left alone.

"I think this should be a sign that enough is enough Kiba…" Naruto continues cautiously, "I know you're afraid to tell people but you can't just keep letting Hiro do whatever he wants. He's already done such fucked up shit. What if next time he hurts you worse?"

Honestly, I don't think it would be possible for Hiro to do any more damage, but I don't have the energy to argue.

"Are you going to be okay?" He asks, sounding beyond concerned.

At that, I let out a strained laugh. "I guess?" I tell him, "Yes? No? I don't really feel like I can kill myself anymore because you'd go batshit crazy, but I don't really feel any better either."

Naruto smiles wearily. It's probably not the response he wanted, but it's better than nothing. "Yeah," he says, "I would go crazy."

I nod my head hazily. I definitely get that now.

"Look," Naruto continues, "Let's just… let's all take a break. We've been at this for a while and it's getting late. You seem tired as hell. You should go to bed and we'll talk more in the morning. I'll skip school."

"You don't have to do that…" I reason.

"Yeah, I do," he insists.

I don't bother fighting him. He gets up off my bed and holds his hand out. I accept it and he helps me up off the carpet. We stand in front of one another for a moment and he wraps his arms around me again. I hear him let out a long sigh. I put a hand on his back, trying to reassure him somehow.

"I'm not going anywhere," I say.

He lets go of me and nods his head. "Goodnight…"

"Goodnight," I respond.

With that, he grabs Sasuke's hand and they leave. I close the door behind them, wishing it would lock. Unfortunately the lock is broken. We will need to talk to the landlord as soon as possible because I really don't want this to start feeling like my parents' house.

I wonder what they would say if they knew what I tried to do. I hope Gaku doesn't tell them. I mean, I don't think he would…

They would probably just get mad. Naruto got mad, too. I kind of knew he would.

I sit on my bed and lie backward, staring up at the ceiling.

This is the worst.

 _TW: graphic violence and abuse, description of childhood sexual abuse, suicide attempt, graphic medical procedure_


	28. Chapter 28: Naruto

NARUTO'S POV:

A week has passed and things are tense. I didn't expect everything to get better right away, but it's hard to see someone you care about in such a rough state.

What happened was really scary. I feel like I should have seen it coming, but no matter how obvious the signs were I never thought Kiba would actually try and go through with it. Now I feel like I'm asking him if he's okay ALL the damn time. I ask him every time I see him. I can't help it. I get worried.

I usually get some sort of half grunted response about how no, he's not okay, he'll never be okay, and we just have to figure out how to accept that. I literally CAN'T accept that though.

Despite the fact that he's obviously annoyed that I keep checking up on him, I do think things are maybe getting a little better. When I ask how he's feeling he's honest, even if the answer isn't something I want to hear.

I don't want him lying because he's uncomfortable or because he thinks I'll get uncomfortable. We can't keep tiptoeing around the important shit. Things can't go back to the way they were because that's how it all got fucked up.

I'm always worried. When he hides away in his room for too long I go in and make sure he's still breathing.

I skipped a few days of school to be with him. We talked. Sasuke stayed over, too, but he's home by now. I'm glad he stuck around for a while, though. I was shaken up.

I can't really imagine what Kiba went through, what he is still going through… I don't really understand how a person could feel this bad. I just can't.

Sasuke said they talked. I was glad to hear that because I know that Sasuke might be able to relate to Kiba more than I can. I've never experienced that sort of violence. I hardly ever know what to say. That's why Kiba gets mad sometimes – because I say the wrong things. I'm trying really hard, though. I rented some books from the library. I've been doing some research online. I really don't want to keep fucking up. I don't want to keep giving him reasons to be annoyed with me.

I feel like I'm learning, although I'm probably not the best judge of that on my own. At the very least Kiba and I have been fighting less lately, but I don't know if that's him or me or a mixture of things.

His uncle, I guess his name is Gaku, has been texting him a lot. He was the one to pick Kiba up from the hospital and I have to say that I'm a little hurt that Kiba didn't call me first. I should have been there for him. I wanted to he there for him.

If I push those feelings aside though, it's a relief to know that I'm not the only one keeping tabs on him. Gaku even came by one day and took Kiba out to lunch. He seems like a pretty decent guy.

Now that I have to be attending my classes again, Sasuke has mostly been hanging out during the day. It's helpful because it means I can focus on the course material without worrying that I'm going to come home to something awful.

Kiba says he'll go back to classes at the end of this week. Gaku helped him write up an email to all of his professors and he's getting some accommodations. It's good, because it's something I don't think he would have ever done in the past.

This will make things easier on him and for that I'm fucking glad. Sasuke and I have been trying to include Kiba when we go out and stuff, too, but he never really seems that into it. We've been spending a lot of time at home. I feel like I can't leave Kiba alone and I know that's shitty, but I seriously don't want him to hurt himself. I believe him when he says he won't kill himself, but I'm worried he might hurt himself in other ways to compensate. He might, right? I don't want to go around assuming things, but it's always a possibility. I'm trying to be more realistic and less flaky and stupid when it comes to the reality of the situation.

Sasuke keeps telling me to relax. I know I probably seem really high-strung lately, but it's stressful.

It's Tuesday. I got a new prescription for Ritalin since I literally cannot concentrate on anything. It helps me get my homework done, at least.

For when that doesn't do the trick, Kidomaru's number has been added to my list of favorites. I feel a little guilty going to him ever since Sasuke caught me that night we got into the big fight with Kiba, but I feel like I'm so stressed right now that he just has to understand. I mean, shit has been REALLY tense. It's hard for me to sit through class let alone get through the day without feeling like I'm going to wig out.

I'm trying to be discreet though. I know it would bother Sasuke if he knew, but it's not a big deal and because it's not, I frankly don't feel like it's any of his business. We have much bigger shit to be focused on right now.

After class, I head straight home and check in on Kiba. I knock on his door before opening it up. He's lying in bed not doing much of anything. His phone is sitting on the pillow next to his head, but he doesn't seem to be using it.

"Hey," I say.

"Hey," he echoes. "I'm fine, as you can see."

I nod my head. "Feel like eating? I can make something."

"No… I'm fine," he says again.

"You should eat something," I attempt. "I'll make pasta or something. You should at least have a little. I'll bring you some, okay?"

"Fine," he repeats the word for the third damn time. I try not to get short, though.

I head into the kitchen and cook, making a simple spaghetti dish.

When it's done, I call to him and he appears in the doorway of his room. He drags his feet a little getting to the table, and when I set the food down in front of him he mostly pushes it around his plate.

"How are you feeling?" I ask as I watch him twirl and untwirl his pasta.

"Crappy," he replies without hesitation. It's obviously the truth, so I'm thankful for that at least.

His phone chimes in the other room and he stands up to retrieve it, returning a moment later with it in his hands.

"Gaku?" I question.

"Yep," he taps away, "pretty much every two hours."

That's good. I wouldn't mind if he wanted to do it even more often.

"So," Kiba says, sitting back down, "we should probably tell the landlord about my door, right?"

"I'll get around to it," I tell him. Truthfully, I'd rather leave it broken. Kiba would pitch a fit if he knew that though.

I don't want him to be able to lock himself away. If he does that, I'll have no way of knowing of he is alive or not. It's just easier like this for now.

If I have to be pushy to ensure he stays breathing, then I will be.

Kiba scowls but he doesn't protest. "Just be sure not to forget."

"I won't," I promise.

Kiba continues to push food around on his plate.

"Eat it, don't play with it," I tell him.

"I'm not hungry," he says.

"Come on," I try to reason. "What have you eaten today?"

"Not much," he admits. "I think a slice of bread... I'm just not hungry. I'm too depressed to eat."

I click my tongue at that. "Tsk... man, just take a few bites," I try again.

So, he does.

"How are you feeling about going back to your classes?" I press after I've watched to make sure he's done more than just cut up the spaghetti.

"Overwhelmed," he mutters, "I've been doing my homework but I know I'm going to be so far behind. Besides, I've been out for a whole week. People will have noticed that I was missing. They're all going to stare at me when I come back like they did when I got Akamaru."

"They'll just assume you were sick," I insist.

Kiba looks unconvinced.

"You are sick," I continue.

At that, Kiba scoffs and goes back to toying with the food. It's hard to watch. It makes my heart hurt.

"How's having Sasuke over during the day been?" I ask, changing the subject.

He shrugs. "Fine. We're getting along fine."

"But...?" I urge, sensing that there is more.

"I hate that everyone is keeping tabs on me," he mutters. "It makes me feel like a fucking child. It's uncomfortable."

"You tried to kill yourself," I state matter of factly. "We're all worried. We care."

He mumbles, "I'm aware." He lets out a long sigh and glances up at me. "I'm not going to try and kill myself again. I failed once and it was fucking horrible. I won't bother trying again."

I stare at him. It isn't very reassuring to hear him talk like that. He is choosing life for all the wrong reasons.

"Do you believe me?" he asks.

"Honestly, Kiba, I don't know," I admit.

He frowns and stares down at the plate in front of him. He'd probably like nothing more than for us to all just forget the entire thing happened.

In reality, I have literally no reason to believe him. It's been one week. ONE week. He still seems unstable, which is unsurprising because nothing has changed. The only thing that's different is how closely people are watching now. We all check in. We make it our job to be nosey. It's a team effort.

"It won't be forever," I offer up as reassurance. When will we stop though? Now that's an answer I don't have.

"It already feels like forever," he grumbles.

"But it won't be," I reiterate.

I finish my dinner first and he manages a few more bites. I clear our plates, washing them and then putting the leftovers in the fridge. Kiba stays seated at the table.

"Feel like talking or something?" I ask.

"No," he says, "but I will if you want me to."

I refrain from rolling my eyes. "How do you feel?"

"I told you I feel crappy," he states.

"But why?" I pry. "Let's talk it out."

"Get me a beer," he says.

"All right," I agree. I head to the fridge and grab two — one for him and one for me — and then we sit in the living room.

This is better than him hiding away all evening like he has been. Plus, it's only one beer. One beer isn't going to get him drunk. It's not going to do much of anything.

"Look, I care about you a lot," I say, "and I want you to be safe."

"I know," he responds, sounding dull as a rusty knife. "I just hate myself way too much to care. It's like… I can't even look at myself in a mirror. I literally feel sick to my stomach. I hate when people look at me. So, I just stay in my room all day and sit in the dark."

I nod my head slowly, processing everything he's saying to me. "Do you think you'll be able to handle going back to class?"

"No," he says with a snort. "Not at all. I feel like I'm seriously going to freak out. I mean, I look like roadkill. I look like I've been hit by a fucking car or something. People are going to stare. Some might even ask questions. I'm going to get defensive and I'm going to act like a dick… or maybe I won't. Maybe I'll just do nothing. Say nothing. I guess it depends what my mood is."

"Just because people ask doesn't mean you have to answer them," I say. "Tell them you literally DID get hit by a car. You don't have to either get mad or tell them the truth—you have other options. If you want you can make something up and nobody's going to hassle you over it."

"My professors are going to ask if I want to talk again," he grumbles.

"So talk to them," I continue, "or don't. Say it's a personal issue and they'll leave you alone. You sent that email to the school student services office to disperse to all of them, right? So don't they kind of already know what's going on anyway?"

KIba grimaces. "Unfortunately."

I nod my head. "So, that's good, right?"

"It's fucking embarrassing," he says, shifting uncomfortably. "Like, I feel so pathetic I can't even stand it. I don't want staff at the school knowing I tried to fucking kill myself."

"I don't think anyone would see you as pathetic," I try to reason. "I mean, I don't."

"What do you think, then?" he probes, eying me.

"I think it's the most heartbreaking thing in the fucking world… but it's not pathetic," I tell him truthfully. It might not be the thing he really wants to hear, but if he's not lying to me then I shouldn't be lying to him, either. Fair is fair, right?

"I guess," he mumbles. "I just hate people seeing me as someone to pity. It makes me feel weak as hell."

"You're not weak at all, though," I say.

"People think suicide is a quitter's way out, but it takes a lot to actually try it," he murmurs.

This is NOT what I want to hear from him… and I don't agree with him at all, but I don't say that. Instead, I'm silent for a minute.

So, he continues with, "I thought I was so ready to do it…"

I let out a sharp sigh. "Look, Kiba, you're not going to kill yourself, okay? Just… stop talking about it like it's something great you want to do. It's not great."

"I know!" he responds sharply. "Fuck, Naruto. I'm not going to do it, so clam down. I'm just venting. That's what you want, right?"

"It just freaks me out when you talk like this…" I mumble.

"I'm not trying to freak you out, I'm just being honest," he retorts.

"I know," I say. Ugh. I want him to be honest, I really do, but these kind of statements are a lot to take in.

"We don't have to talk about it," Kiba grumbles, sounding frustrated, "It's just—you asked."

I give him a sad look. "Of course I want to talk about it," I argue, "I just don't want to hear you idealizing shit like that. It's not good and it's not going to help you feel better. There has to be a better way for you to express these things."

He stares bitterly down at his hands. It's stuff like this that makes me worried that he doesn't even want to feel better. He just wants us to hurry and leave him alone so he can try it all over again.

"Fine, you're totally right," he says somewhat dismissively.

I let out a sigh, but I don't bother trying to argue anymore. I don't really think there's anything I can say that will change how he heals. That has to happen on his own, right?

At least he has to go to therapy now.

Kiba finishes his beer and then says, "I'm going to my room."

"You don't want to hang out with me?" I ask.

"Not really," he admits. "Sorry."

"S'fine…" I relent. "Give a shout if you need anything."

He gives a solid nod and then retreats to his room… where he will probably stay for the rest of the damn night.

.

.

On Wednesday, I'm sitting in my boring-ass anthropology class trying to struggle my way through a midterm study guide the professor just handed out and is going over. When I hit the third question, I realize that my understanding of the material is seriously lacking. Ugh, I miss having Kiba in my classes with me. It was always so easy to ask him for help.

I try to take notes on what the professor is saying, but I just can't seem to pay attention. I feel antsy as fuck. These are things I need to know but my brain can't even persuade my body to pick up the pencil and jot down basic bullet points.

Bleh. I feel like I'm going to fail this class. Would it be a big deal if I did?

Hinata is sitting next to me. She gives me a weird look and then mouths, "Are you okay?"

I just nod my head, but I feel like I'm going to fucking fall asleep.

What feels like an hour later but is actually mere minutes, I leave the room and head into the nearest bathroom. I reach for my prescription and take one, but it doesn't really seem to do the trick. So, I reach for something heavier. I know this looks so bad, but I'm seriously going to die of boredom if I don't do something. I don't take a lot, just enough to do the trick. I hide in the stall farthest from the door and when I emerge, I check myself in the mirror to make sure nothing looks amiss. I tilt my head up, rubbing any white powder off my nose.

I don't really know how much time I've wasted in the bathroom, but when I'm back in class the clock says there is twenty minutes left. I guess I wasted about forty minutes.

Jeez, that took longer than I expected. I guess I'm glad I don't have to sit through half of this dead dull lecture though.

Hinata looks surprised to see me return. She probably thought I was just ditching class completely. I give her a friendly head bob as I sit back down to let her know everything is alright.

I take notes pretty effectively for the rest of class. I knew a little pick-me-up would do the trick. When the professor finally starts to wrap things up, I approach Hinata for the review questions I missed when I was in the bathroom.

"Hey," I greet her before she has the chance to gather up her things, "questions three through eight kind of stumped me. Can you help me out?"

She gives me a funny look. "Well, it would have helped if you were actually here."

I give her a wry smile. "Yeah, you're right… So, can yah help me?"

"Well, I have some time between my next course, so sure," she agrees.

We decide to head to the library for a bit. We sit down and pull out our papers. She begins to explain things, and it somewhat makes sense, but I'm still not grasping it. She seems to sense that, so she dumbs things down a little more and things start to piece together. I thank her, taking notes as she continues explaining. They're pretty sloppy, but still legible.

As we near the end of the study guide, I decide to make some small talk. I don't want Hinata to think I'm just using her for her notes.

"How have you been?" I ask, "Are you having a good semester?"

"It's going well," she replies, "How are you? You haven't been out much lately it seems."

"I've been sick," I decide to tell her, "that's why I was gone all last week."

"I meant at parties and such, but I'm glad that you're feeling better," she smiles sweetly.

"Oh," I chuckle, "I guess I've just been busy."

It's true. I haven't been to a party in what feels like forever. Ever since that mess with her and Shion.

That was so fuckin' dumb. I still feel bad about it. I want to apologize to Shion, but I haven't really found time for it yet… and if I am honest with myself, I can admit that I'm dreading it.

"Busy?" she asks.

"Personal stuff, I guess," I admit. "Um… Well, I'm in a relationship now."

"Oh!" she exclaims softly. "With who?"

"Sasuke," I tell her with a little laugh. "We're not really keeping it a secret, we just haven't made a big announcement or anything."

"Oh!" she exclaims again, sounding giddy. "I'm so happy for you both!"

I smile at that. "Thanks. It's going pretty well."

"I'm glad to hear that," she says. "I didn't really think you two were friends. How did you meet?"

"I bugged him a lot and he fell for me," I explain with a little snicker. That's basically the jist of it.

She lets out a little laugh at that. "Well, I'm glad. You two seem like you'd be good together."

"I think we are," I agree. "Um, look… Do you happen to have Shion's number?"

She tilts her head to the side. "I do. We exchanged numbers after… that night at your house."

I wrinkle my nose. "That's what I want to talk to her about."

She nods understandingly and then gets out her phone, rehearsing the numbers as I save them into mine. I need to call her later. I need to get it done. I thank her and then she decides to ask about Kiba since we're on the topic of that night again.

"He's doing… okay," I say. That probably wasn't convincing at all, but I don't exactly have the authority to tell her what's really going on.

"Is he mad about you and Sasuke dating?" she presses.

"No, I don't think he cares about that," I tell her. At least it's a topic I can speak honestly about because it's literally about me. "It bugged him at first but only because he and Sasuke weren't getting along. Not because he was jealous or anything."

"Oh," Hinata seems taken aback, "I'll admit I'm a little surprised to hear that. He seemed really resentful that night with you and Shion."

"I think he was mostly just drunk and overwhelmed," I explain simply, not really wanting to get into my whole theory behind all of that, "I should probably try to get him to apologize to Shion too, huh?"

"Probably," Hinata nods.

"I don't know if he will," I admit. "I don't really think he cares… and I know that sounds bad, but he's probably embarrassed about it, too, and just doesn't want to confront it."

"I suppose that makes sense," she relents. "Does he… regret sleeping with you?"

Hinata is a lot nosier than she seems!

I let out a weary laugh and say, "I don't know… Honestly, he probably does. We weren't in it for the right reasons, y'know?"

She nods her head slowly. "But things are okay between you?"

"They are as okay as they can be," I say. "I'm pretty damn lucky. Shit has been crazy lately."

"Is that why he's been missing from school?" she asks. "I usually see him in the library studying, but I haven't seen him at all lately."

I'm positive that I visibly tense up at that question. I don't really know what to say. I wasn't really expecting people to be asking me that and Kiba and I haven't decided on a specific thing to answer in case of this sort of situation.

I guess I could tell her that he's sick. That was my reason for missing. He could have the same thing as I did, right? Although once Hinata sees him, I'm sure she'd know it was a lie. His face is still purple and green with healing bruises. Maybe I really should just go with the car story?

"He got…" I start to tell her, the words coming out awkwardly, "hit by a…car?"

"What – really?!" she asks, sounding incredibly shocked. Does this mean she bought it?

"Yeah, he's pretty beat up," I say. "He didn't break anything, but he looks rough as hell."

"Oh, no…" she whispers. "How did that happen?"

"I don't really know," I tell her, not wanting to come up with a bigger lie. "I wasn't there… I wish I was, though. Maybe I could have done something."

"Maybe," she admits, "but maybe not. Try not to beat yourself up over it. Sometimes these things happen regardless."

"True," I mumble.

But I DO wish I was there. I wish I was there when Hiro barged his way in. I wouldn't have let him beat Kiba up no matter what.

Hiro is strong, but if I came into it prepared I would have at least been able to get him out the door before he was able to do any real damage. I would let him break my nose all over again for Kiba to not have to have gone through that.

Realistically, maybe I should take out a restraining order against Hiro. Then he wouldn't be able to come near the apartment at least. He physically assaulted me, and I'm sure that would hold up in court if I was able to get Kiba to be a witness for me.

"He should be back next week," I say, finishing the conversation, "he just needed time to heal and look less beat up."

Hinata nods her head. After that, the conversation kind of dissolves into something a lot easier to talk about. Stuff about school. We do a bit of homework together and she tries to keep me motivated Around five, I offer her a ride home and head back myself. I check on Kiba. He's sitting in the living room, which makes me kind of glad. I hate when he hides in his room all day. He has what appears to be a mixed drink sitting on the coffee table in front of him, but I don't try to chastise him for it. Instead, I say, "Hey."

"Hey," he echoes.

I sit down next to him and say, "So… I told Hinata you got hit by a car. She wanted to know where you've been and I couldn't think of anything."

He scoffs and then lets out a weary laugh. "All right… then I guess that'll be my story."

At least he doesn't seem mad.

.

.

After class the following day, I take my phone out and call Shion.

She answers with a questioning, "Hello?"

"Hey," I greet. "It's Naruto."

"Oh… I didn't expect to hear from you ever again."

"Ah, yeah, look, I'm real sorry. I was wondering if you'd be willing to meet up? I want to apologize to you."

"You don't need to do that," she insists.

"Pleeease," I say. "I won't feel right about it otherwise. Are you still at school?"

"I'm in the cafeteria," she informs me.

I tell her I'll meet her there and then I hang up.

I make my way there, paying a little cash at the front door because I no longer have a meal plan. Once I'm inside, I see her sitting with a few other girls I recognize from around campus at a table near a window.

"Hey," I approach awkwardly, "how's it going?"

The girls at the table exchange sly smirks and then one by one, get up and leave. They must have been here when I called Shion a few minutes ago. Ugh. She probably told them all the entire story. How embarrassing.

"Long time no see," she jokes. She doesn't sound angry or bitter. She just sounds amused.

"Yeah…sorry about that," I mumble, "I've been meaning to get a hold of you."

"Have you been?" she asks, feigning surprise, "well it seems like you finally found my number."

"Yeah, yeah," I mutter. "Look, I want to apologize. I should've spoken with you sooner, but I got caught up with a lot of crap."

"Yeah, sounds like your roommate is a bit of a handful," she recalls. "Whatever, though. It was just a fling. It's not like you owed me anything."

"Still, the night didn't end on a positive note," I say. "I'm sorry you had to leave like that."

"Okay, you're forgiven," she replies easily. "Though, I don't really blame you. I kind of assumed you were dealing with your roommate and that was that. It's been so long I didn't really expect you'd bother trying to talk to me again."

"I was dealing with a bunch of shit," I explain. "This was bugging me, though."

She perches an elbow onto the table and rests her hand in her chin. "Oh, yeah?"

"Well, yeah, I felt shitty over it," I tell her.

This is just another thing on my list of stressors and I want to finally take it off.

"Alright, well…don't worry about it." She insists, "Besides, it makes for a funny story. All my friends say it's the best hook-up story they've ever heard."

"Wait, you've been telling people?" I ask in disbelief.

"Um, yeah," she replies, not sounding even a little sorry, "I mean, you have to admit that night was ridiculous and it was totally your fault. Did you really expect me to keep it to myself?"

"Uh, sort of," I sigh. I guess I sort of deserve it. I should have talked to her sooner. Kiba is going to have a fucking cow. I can't believe we haven't gotten shit about this from our friends yet. Hopefully they just don't know and won't find out.

Shit, this really sucks. I hope it doesn't spread fast… but it probably will. Everyone kind of knows everyone, so it seems inevitable.

"Your friend gonna freak out or something?" she asks.

"Most definitely," I murmur.

I mean, it pretty much is Kiba's fault for blurting it all out like that… but on the other hand, he WAS drunk as hell. Everyone does dumb shit and says dumb shit when they're drunk – the kind of things they wouldn't do or say on a regular basis.

"So, like, are YOU gay?" she asks. "Was I a test or something to determine that?"

Maybe she was… but I don't want to admit that to her. There's no point in it.

"I'm not gay," I tell her, "but I am dating a guy right now."

"Your roommate?" she pries.

"No," I shake my head, "someone else."

"So you're bi," she concludes, "was I the last girl you slept with?"

These are getting kind of invasive, but I guess I don't care. Everyone's going to find this shit out about me eventually, if they don't already know that is.

"Yeah, but only because I got into this relationship," I explain, "I'm still interested in women."

"So you slept with your roommate, then me, then some other dude." Shion mumbles to herself, "I totally was a test, wasn't I?"

I don't really know what to say to that. Yes? It's not a bad thing though.

"Well, I still like girls after getting with you if that makes you feel any better." I chuckle, trying to keep the mood light.

She rolls her eyes.

It doesn't really work. I guess it's not really her fault, though. I think anyone would be annoyed.

"Loads better," she says with sarcasm.

"Look, I'm sorry it had to be like this," I apologize. "I didn't intend for any of this to happen, to be honest."

She rolls her eyes. "Whatever. I guess I don't really care. I did think you were nice, though."

"And now you don't?" I probe.

"I'm not sure," she admits, squinting at me like she's trying to analyze me. "Well, you seem sincere enough."

Well, that's good, I guess?

"So, who is this guy you're dating now?" she asks. "Anyone I know?"

"Oh, uh… Sasuke Uchiha," I tell her.

That obviously surprises her. She gets this shocked look on her face like she almost didn't even understand what I said.

"Sasuke?" she chuckles after a moment, "Wow. I've slept with him too. Is HE gay?"

I can't help but laugh at that. Of course after this whole mess Shion and I would be eskimo siblings.

"He is," I tell her. I don't think he would mind. We agreed we weren't trying to keep it secret.

"I had no idea," she admits, "we were both so wasted but he seemed into it. He was crazy in bed."

I raise an eyebrow. This is weird to hear. I knew Sasuke hooked up with a lot of girls, but somehow I had never really met any of them.

"Guess he must have been compensating," she tacks on slyly.

I can't help but frown because the entire thing depresses me to no end. "Yeah, I dunno…" I murmur. I don't really want to confirm or deny her suspicions.

Things definitely weren't crazy when he and I slept together. It was fucking horrible and I still feel so awful about it. I can't deny that it makes me kind of jealous to think that he had such a wild time with Shion, but at the same time it's stupid of me. He probably didn't even fucking enjoy it. I shouldn't get jealous over things like this because he WAS compensating for something.

"Sorry, is this weird for you?" she asks with a wry, little smile.

"Kind of," I admit, "but whatever."

She nods and at that, the conversation kind of dies. I'm not sure if she's trying to be considerate by dropping the topic of Sasuke or is actually just getting tired of talking to me.

"Anyway, thanks for apologizing," she tells me after a moment of silence, "I do appreciate it. You don't seem like a bad guy."

"Thanks," I smile. That entire interaction was awkward as hell, but at least it's off my chest now. "Kiba's not a bad guy either, we were just having a weird moment."

"I'll try to keep that in mind," she replies sarcastically.

I tell her goodbye and from there decide to head home. I have a lot of homework to do and I don't really need to be wasting more time on campus than I already have.

.

.

On Friday, Kiba suggests that we go to a party. It surprises me considering he hasn't been very social lately. He barely leaves his room, let alone the apartment. Nonetheless, I agree. It might be fun.

I text Sasuke asking if he wants to tag along, but he refuses and then tells me to have fun and be safe. I didn't actually expect him to come, but it would've been cool if he did. I don't really think he'll ever go to a party ever again, though. I don't blame him for it.

Kiba takes a shower around eight, but he doesn't bother dressing up. He slips his sweatpants back on and then pulls on a sweater. I almost make a joke about it, but I stop myself.

Around nine, we head out. Since I plan on drinking tonight, we take the bus down to the campus. We'll take a taxi back at the end of the night if we need to.

When we arrive, the party is still pretty dead. The frat houses don't usually pick up until 10 or 11. It's good though, because they can start to get pretty claustrophobic.

We make our way inside and over to the table where the drinks are set up. I pour myself one and then I get one ready for Kiba too.

"Don't set it down," I comment offhandedly as I pass it over to him.

"I won't," he ensures.

It's crazy. This isn't the sort of thing we ever would have worried about before. It's not the sort of thing we thought he HAD to worry about. I remember seeing Gaara the first night we hooked up pick up an open drink that wasn't even his.

We were dead wrong though. Everyone needs to be careful.

It's so scary to think about these things. It could happen to anyone. It feels like there's nothing you can do. The idea of 'rape prevention' is such a damn joke. Cover up? Don't get drunk? No. The only thing that'll keep people safe is if all rapists fucking die.

Kiba takes a few long sips of his drink. I eye him and say, "Don't get too trashed tonight."

"Whatever, Dad," he mutters.

I brush the comment off and we wander around a bit until we find some familiar faces – Shikamaru and Chouji. We haven't seen them in a while, so it will be nice to catch up a bit before everyone gets smashed.

"Hey!" I greet everyone, holding a hand up.

"Uh, how's it going?" Shikamaru asks us. "Been a while… Kiba what the fuck happened to your face?"

Kiba and I exchange glances, but then he looks back to Shikamaru and lets out a laugh.

"Oh my god, it's crazy!" he exclaims, "I got hit by a car—can you fucking believe it?"

I watch him and it's unsettling. Chouji and Shikamaru's mouths drop open so they must be buying it, but to me it comes off as so heartbreakingly fake. The tone of his voice…the expression on his face…It's obvious how hard it is for him to put up this front.

"Are you alright?" Chouji asks, looking concerned.

Kiba continues forcing out a cackle. "I'm fine," he insists, "it's just crazy. I can't believe I'm not DEAD."

"Yeah, holy shit…" Chouji says in awe.

"Well, you look half dead," Shikamaru snorts.

Kiba scoffs and nudges him. "Shut up, man. I look damn good all things considering. It could've been way worse."

At least he's right about that part… It could have been way worse. God, that thought still freaks me out. That's why he needs to stay away from Hiro—because that possibility is still there as long as Hiro is allowed to hang around. It can always get worse. The first time I saw Hiro with his arm around Kiba it was bad enough… I never thought he'd go ape-shit like this.

"Yeah, I guess so," Shikamaru relents. "How the hell did it even happen?"

Kiba wrinkles his nose. "I guess something got fucky with the crosswalk light signals."

"Fuck's sake," Shikamaru mutters. "Any legal action being taken?"

"No," Kiba says with a shrug. "I mean, shit happens… and I'm okay."

"Still," he pushes, "How long ago did you get hit?"

"Like two weeks," Kiba answers.

Ugh. Coming home to that was the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

"Right, see, that's not very long." Shikamaru continues, nodding, "There could be other side effects further down the road. I hope you at least went to a doctor."

"I went to the hospital," Kiba responds tersely and I can tell already this is about to go sour.

Shikamaru seems to sense this too, because he gives Kiba a funny look and then completely drops the subject. "Glad to hear that," is all he adds.

He might be a dick sometimes, but Shikamaru is probably the most observant person I know.

Thank God for that.

"What else have you guys been doing?" Chouji adds. "You moved in together, huh?"

"Yep," I pipe in. "Kiba's my roommate now. It's great. You guys should come over and chill sometime now that we're all settled in."

"Yeah, that would be great," Chouji agrees while Shikamaru nods in agreement.

We continue to talk about school, what courses we're taking, how our summers went, part time jobs and other simple shit like that. It's easy. Kiba dips out after he's finished his first drink and goes to get a refill. I'm still working on mine. I'm going to take things slow tonight and work on getting a good buzz.

As soon as Kiba is out of sight, Shikamaru gives me a playful look.

"What?" I ask, sipping on my mix drink.

"I heard something through the grapevine," he says without hesitation, and Chouji follows it with a chuckle.

"Okay…" I proceed cautiously, although I can guess what it's about, "What…?"

"Well," he continues, "Ino had a class with Shion last semester. I guess they became pretty good friends. They were hanging out this summer and Shion told her that you two hooked up."

I nod at that. "We did," I tell him, "I had a good time."

Chouji looks fucking stoked. Ugh. These two have probably been waitings months to get the chance to ask me about this.

"I actually talked to her just the other day," I decide to add.

Shikamaru smiles wryly. "Yeah? I bet you had a few things to mull over with her since your last visit, huh?"

I scowl and let out a sharp breath. "Spit it out, Shikamaru!"

It's so fucking obvious what he heard and even more obvious what he wants to ask. I want him to get it over with before Kiba shows up because he will probably literally die of shame if anyone confronts him on it.

Chouji looks so fucking giddy, like he's thrilled to be getting the story straight from the source. I refrain from rolling my eyes.

"All right," Shikamaru says in a more serious tone. "I heard you fucked Kiba."

Yeah, there it is.

"Yeah," I tell him. "I did."

Shikamaru chuckles and nods his head. "I had my suspicions," he tells me, "ever since you two were getting all touchy on the couch that one time over spring break. You were both obviously messed up so I thought about splitting you up, but then you both just seemed so into it that I decided to let it be. Has it been going on since then?"

Now that's something I'd like to never have to think about again. That was the start of this entire mess.

Before I can explain anything further, Kiba reappears at my side holding two newly refilled drinks. "I got you one," he hands it off to me and sits down. I have a feeling we're going to be getting way drunker tonight than I planned for.

"Thanks, man…" I mumble, trying to hide the fact that I'm starting to feel a little panicked. I hurry and down the rest of my first drink before grabbing the second one from Kiba, double-cupping it with the empty one.

"What are we talking about?" Kiba asks, trying to sound chipper.

"You and Naruto sleeping together," Shikamaru states, visibly humoured.

I nearly have a stroke. I literally feel like I'm going to explode. My heart lodges in my throat as I wait for Kiba to react. For a second, he doesn't. Then he lets out an incredibly forced laugh. "Ah… haha… ahaha… ha… what?"

"Yeah," Shikamaru continues. "That night you guys were super fucked up, remember? I was going to pull you apart, but you didn't really seem like you wanted anyone to do that. You guys disappeared right after."

"And you just magically put all of this together?" Kiba asks. "You're not that fucking smart."

Shikamaru isn't bothered by Kiba's attitude. He shrugs and adds, "No. Some girl Naruto fucked told Ino and Ino told us."

Kiba is beet red. I wish Shikamaru would shut the fuck up, holy shit, he's going to drive this night so far into the toilet.

"Okay, so she lied," he insists, although his voice is wavering, "why believe what some random-ass girl said?"

"Naruto literally just confirmed it for us," Shikamaru says with a laugh, leaning back in his seat, "Kiba, it's okay man, it's not like Chouji or I care. I probably would have pieced it together on my own eventually anyway."

Kiba throws me a glance. He looks mad as hell.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" he hisses.

"It's not my fault," I retort, "I'm not the one who blurted it out to Shion!"

"I was wasted!" he justifies.

"So?" I retort. "It's not my fucking fault she went and told people."

"Well, you didn't have to admit it!" he retorts.

I gesture to Chouji and Shikamaru. "They're our friends. Like Shikamaru just said, they would've figured it out eventually."

Kiba grits his teeth together. He looks livid. "Yeah, well thanks ever so fucking much for speeding up the process."

Shikamaru watches us with interest. It feels like we're in a cage and he's observing us or something. I know he's analyzing the situation, trying to figure things out. "Look," he interjects. "It's not a big deal, Kiba. Relax."

I can't fucking believe this! Just when I think that part of our friendship is finally in the past, something like this has to happen.

"Fuck off!" Kiba snaps back at him and Shikamaru gives him a look of what seems to be genuine surprise, followed by one of annoyance. He's probably never seen Kiba get worked up like this before. They've known each another a long time, and it's not incredibly unlike Kiba to blow his fuse, but up until recently it's always been over small stuff.

"I'm sorry we brought it up," Shikamaru backpedals, "we were just teasing you guys and wanted to give you a hard time. Honestly, we really just wanted to tell you that if you were together that you didn't have to hide it. Obviously we support you."

Kiba seems unswayed. "Cool, thanks!" He exclaims, "Glad to know what you think!"

He tries to stomp off, but I grab the back of his shirt. "Don't," I say. "You're angry, I get it… and that's why I need you to stick around. We're going to talk about this, okay?"

He shakes me off and spins around, glaring at me. "Well, I don't fucking feel like it!"

"Damn, dude, calm down," Chouji says. "We don't care if you guys are gay."

"We're NOT!" Kiba practically shrieks. Fortunately, the music is so damn loud no one really notices how loud he's being. "We're NOT dating, okay? We're NOT together! I don't like him like that and he doesn't like me! It wasn't anything, okay? It was stupid! A stupid mistake!"

"The kind of mistake you repeat?" Shikamaru probes.

Kiba shoves him, but it isn't hard and he barely stumbles.

"Don't shove me, you little shit," Shikamaru warns, grabbing Kiba's wrist tightly.

"Let me go," Kiba seethes, shaking his hand and trying to get Shikamaru to release him. "I'm going to go home. Fuck you guys."

"Kiba, you can't leave," I tell him wearily. "No one is home right now and it's late and you're upset."

He gives me a look that makes me think he might actually attack me. It's one of fury, but also complete and utter betrayal—like how dare I bring that up in public. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I can't exactly in good conscious let him go running off by himself when he's all worked up like this. I don't trust him and I have no idea what he might try to do.

Kiba obviously is registering all of these thoughts the same as me, but he's just looking angrier and angrier.

"Fine, fuck you," he snaps at me, yanking his arm forcefully out of Shikamaru's grasp.

He's probably afraid that if he doesn't listen I'll call the police. Honestly I probably would.

All I care about is his safety and if I have to be the bad guy to ensure it, then I will be.

Kiba downs the rest of his drink and then tosses the empty cup behind him. It smacks some kid in the head, but he doesn't seem to know where it came from so Kiba is in the clear.

"Dude…" I try to reason. "Stop acting like a jerk."

"I don't want to," Kiba retorts.

Chouji and Shikamaru look confused as hell, but they both have the good grace not to ask any questions. I doubt they've seen this side of Kiba before. Everyone knows he's a bit stubborn and bull-headed, but this is a whole other level.

"You're going to regret it," I try to reason. I'm not trying to be patronizing, but it's the fucking truth. He always feels guilty and beats himself up later when he acts like a douchebag. I don't want him to have yet another reason to get down on himself.

"Oh my god, I get it, you can shut up now!" He barks, standing up from his seat, "I'm getting another drink."

He storms away and I watch him as he goes, trying to make sure that he heads for the kitchen and not the front door. When I turn back to Shikamaru and Chouji, they look completely floored.

"What the actual fuck was that?" Shikamaru asks with a sense of urgency.

I roll my eyes. "He's touchy about the fact that we used to mess around. It's a delicate subject."

"No," Shikamaru says, shaking his head. "I don't mean THAT. I mean… THIS. What the hell just happened? I've never seen him act like that in my life."

"Uh-uh," I say, shaking my head. "I can't talk about that, so don't bother trying."

I absolutely can't share those things with Shikamaru and Chouji. Kiba would never forgive me. For fuck's sake, I'd never forgive myself, either.

He gives a long nod. "All right…"

"There are some things Kiba is super sensitive about," I murmur vaguely. "You guys really set him off."

"It's not like we meant to," Chouji cuts in.

"Well, yah did," I state simply.

"Sorry," he mumbles quietly.

Shikamaru gives me a critical look, like he's trying to figure out what's going on. Good fucking luck. Even someone as smart as him wouldn't be able to do that.

"It's fine," I sigh, "if you guys have questions, you can ask me. Just don't bring it up with Kiba."

They both nod slowly. Chouji seems like he feels guilty.

"I'm going to tell you right off the bat that we aren't together and we aren't hooking up anymore." I continue, "On top of that, Kiba was wasted out his mind the night the shit with Shion went down."

"Is that why he got so upset?" Shikamaru asks, "Because you guys aren't together?"

"No," I say without missing a beat, "I don't think he cares about that."

Shikamaru nods slowly. "So, it was just a fling?"

"Yeah," I say. "I know it was stupid. He knows that, too. Honestly, we weren't doing it for the right reasons… so we don't do it all anymore."

"When did it stop?

"Mid-summer," I tell him. "I mean… it's not like we did it that much anyway. It was just a sometimes thing."

"Why was he mad you slept with a girl, then?" Chouji pries.

I wrinkle my nose. "I think he just got annoyed I was sleeping with him while sleeping with someone else… which is fair, I guess. I mean, I get it. I get why he got mad. I wouldn't really get mad over something like that, but a lot of other people would and Kiba is one of those people. It's not 'cause he was jealous. He mostly just thought I was being rude, I guess. Like, maybe if I was getting something from him then I should have been satisfied with that much?"

Honestly, I hope that's the reason why. I hope that he just thought I was being inconsiderate and wasn't mad that he lost control of using me as some sort of fucked up coping mechanism or way of hurting himself. Still, it feels like I'm lying through my teeth. I feel like I already know the whole truth and I'm just not ready to admit it until I hear it from him myself.

"I guess that makes sense," Chouji seems convinced, thank god.

Shikamaru on the other hand still seems perplexed. "What?" I ask him when he keeps holding his silence.

"Nothing," he shrugs, "good luck I guess, because that was fucking over the top."

Damnit. He's probably mad Kiba tried to push him and then got all snappy. Jesus fucking christ.

"Thaaanks," I mutter.

"He better fucking apologize for shoving me," he adds.

I snort at that. "Yeah, don't count on it."

It's funny in a sad kind of way. They have no idea what Kiba can be like. This is their first taste of it and they don't like it. I don't know if they could handle being around him all the time. Shikamaru is smart as hell, but he hates anything that requires too much thought or effort. I guess I can't really make any assumptions, but they aren't the most understanding people in the world. They wouldn't be able to excuse some of the things I know I've excused. I know it would be especially hard because they don't really know why he acts like this sometimes and Kiba would never dare tell them.

Kiba returns with his third drink in hand.

"Hey," I say.

He grunts in response.

Shikamaru gives him an expectant look but Kiba doesn't respond. Frankly, he might not even notice. He's too busy self-loathing.

After a moment of being ignored, Shikamaru scoffs and turns to Chouji. "Let's go find Ino," he suggests.

It's probably for the best that he's removing himself from the situation. Shikamaru knows not to try and escalate things. Even if he's annoyed now, he'll get over it fast. Holding grudges is a lot of work and I don't think he'd be up to it.

Once they're gone, I stare at Kiba, who has his nose turned down in his drink.

"Dude, you have to tell Shikamaru you're sorry," I grumble.

"Why?" he asks, not bothering to acknowledge me, "He was being a dick and he knows it."

"He's always like that," I point out.

"Still," Kiba mutters. "I don't want to fucking deal with it anymore."

I guess he probably can't deal with it anymore. Everything is setting him off at an extreme. He used to be able to handle a little bit of teasing, but he probably won't be able to handle that anymore either.

It's not his fault. Things just got really fucked up.

"Still, it will be easier if you try to patch things up," I say surely.

"I don't really give a fuck, Naruto," he says, sounding sour.

Goodie.

He's gonna be fun tonight...

Kiba continues chugging his drink and I follow him into the kitchen when he decides to get a refill.

Now he's on drink number four. I hope it ends there but something tells me it won't. It's still early in the night and Kiba already seems wildly unstable.

He seems to catch me watching as he downs more alcohol, and when he does he lets out a low groan. "You gonna give me another lecture?" he snorts.

"No," I shake my head. It's not worth it.

"Good," he responds decidedly, "Because I wasn't gonna fuckin' listen."

Yup, there it is.

I roll my eyes. "Fine, Kiba, you win."

This is all so fucking typical it's almost depressing. He smiles wryly at my blatant distaste, but he doesn't say anything else. He's radiating self-satisfaction, though.

When I'm done my drink, I get a refill. We bum around in the kitchen for a while. He talks about stupid shit and I listen. Usually I'm the one talking about stupid shit. It's funny to see the tables turning. I think it's only because he is trying to compensate, though. He wants me to think he's all right. He wants me to think he can handle being at a party. Maybe he can, maybe he can't. I don't really know what's really going on in his head right now.

Eventually Kiba finishes his drink and gets another, and after that we wander down to the basement where a bunch of people are dancing. We hang out in the corner a minute and take in the scene. People seem like they're starting to get pretty trashed and crazy.

Kiba continues chattering at me over the loud music, but eventually he stops. At first I think he might be pissy over something, but then I realize that he's watching a group of girls who are having what looks like a fun time moving around to the music.

"That chick with the red dress is fucking hot," he says offhandedly.

The comment kind of catches me by surprise. I haven't heard Kiba talk about a girl in FOREVER.

I eye her. She is short and slim with small boobs. Brown hair, brown eyes, fair features. Good looking, sure, but I didn't think a girl like this would end up being the first girl in a million years to get Kiba's attention. I guess that might just be because I don't know his type. We've never really talked about it before.

"Yeah," I say with a nod, "she's cute."

"Yeah, she is," he responds. "I want to go talk to her."

For fuck's sake… If this isn't a recipe for disaster, then I don't know what is.

Before I can try to grab his arm and hold him back, he's halfway across the room. I hover somewhat awkwardly as I watch him introduce himself. I don't hear what is being said, but the girl then smiles and laughs. He probably fed her some cheesy line and it's probably going to work.

Kiba keeps chatting her up and she giggles along, obviously encouraging him to get even more bold. Fucking hell. I don't know what he's trying to do, but whatever it is seems to be working.

I approach slowly and as I do, the other two girls she was with smirk and exchange glances.

"Heyyy," I greet them awkwardly with a little wave, trying to make it clear that I'm just here for Kiba.

I reach out and put a hand on his shoulder, making direct eye contact with the girl he's talking to. "Kiba," I say firmly, "you good?"

"Hey man," he snaps, shrugging me off, "can't you see I'm trying to have a conversation?"

I snort at that. He slipped right back into the bro charade he always put up in high school and freshman year. I guess it's not surprising. People always bought it.

I don't buy it, though. Not anymore. I know what he's really like now and this sure as hell isn't it.

It's enough to piss me off because it's so fake. No one realizes that, though.

"All right," I relent, "Just find me before you leave so we can split on the taxi."

"Yeah, whatever," he replies before returning his attention back to the girl.

God, what a load of crap. I wish she would see through it, but she won't. I think Sasuke and I are the only ones who do... Because we know all his secrets. And he fucking hates that.

It's weird to see him acting like this again after being a permissive, submissive hot mess for so long.

I wander around the room, choosing to stick nearby. I chat with some acquaintances, keeping Kiba in my peripherals. When he starts making out with the girl I get even more shocked. He probably wants everyone to see it.

The douchey attitude is familiar enough, but I don't think I've ever seen him be so openly sexual. It's so foreign that it makes me uncomfortable. Knowing the information I do, I can guess why he's avoided it in the past—but why change that now? He might just be wasted, but he also might feel like he has something to prove after our conversation with Chouji and Shikamaru. If there's a rumor going around that we fucked, which there definitely is, Kiba's probably feeling pretty insecure.

Just when I start feeling like I should probably go interrupt them, Kiba grabs the girl by the hand and leads her out of the room.

Oh my god, are they ditching me? What the actual fuck?

I try to follow them but I have no damn idea where they went. Shit this sucks. I really hope they don't do something he'll end up regretting... but it looks like that's exactly what is going to happen. I can assume that by the way he's acting. He's not himself.

I glance around, but he's gone. I try to call him, but there's no answer. So, I shoot him a text.

Am I overreacting? I don't feel like I am...

I bump into Shikamaru and Chouji again. They're with Sai, Ino and some other familiar faces.

"Hey, seen Kiba?" I ask.

"Sucking face with some chick," Shikamaru informs me.

"Her hand was pretty much down his pants," Ino adds with a snort. "Didn't think he was one for PDA... but maybe he feels like he has something to prove." She puts on this sly little smile and we all know what she's referring to.

Great.

Fucking awesome.

I dawdle around anxiously for a few minutes trying to decide what to do. Should I stay here and just do my best to enjoy the rest of the night? Ino and Chouji attempt to make small talk with me, but I can't really pay attention because I keep checking my phone. Kiba hasn't texted back and it's starting to stress me out.

After about half an hour, I finally come to the conclusion that hanging around here by myself just isn't worth it. I need to go home. I need to check in.

I tell those guys goodbye and that I'll see them later, then promptly ditch. I end up calling a taxi, not because I'm that drunk but because I want to get home fast.

I can't even bring myself to chat up the driver. Usually I'm down to talk about whatever the hell comes to mind because it makes the ride a lot quicker… but all I can do is think about Kiba. I hope he isn't doing anything stupid. I don't want him to do anything he'll feel bad about later. Even before all of this blew up, he wasn't one for random hook-ups. He had a couple with random girls, but it was never really his style. It wasn't something he was comfortable with. So, it doesn't make sense that he's pulling stunts like this now. He's doing it for obvious reasons and those reasons are bad. This 'alpha male' bullshit is such a joke.

The drive seems to take a while and it's probably because I feel so anxious, but soon enough we're in front of my apartment. I pay the driver, thank him and then head in. I don't waste time racing up the stairs, digging my keys out of my pocket.

The door is still locked, which might be a bad thing. Did Kiba not come home? Did he go back to that girl's place? Did he ditch the girl and run off by himself?

I enter the apartment and the first thing I do is head for Kiba's room. The door's closed, but as I reach for the handle I stop myself. I stop and I listen.

It's faint, but I can definitely hear moaning.

Ugh, gross! He definitely brought her back here.

It take every ounce of self control I have not to barge in on them like Kiba did to me months back. He shouldn't the hooking up with this girl. He's making a huge fucking mistake.

I stand here for a few seconds, trying to figure out what to do. Kiba continues to grunt on the other side of the door. He sounds different than he did when I was with him. He sounds more reserved in a sense. He is putting on a show, trying to prove something – to himself and to this girl and to everyone who saw them making out tonight. I can't help but notice it, though I probably shouldn't be thinking about that at all.

I move away and head down the hall, trying to be as quiet as I can. I don't want them to know I'm here.

I hide away in my room, trying to search for headphones to drown out the sound of them fucking… but I can't find the damn things. So, I lie in bed and stare up at the ceiling.

Eventually in order to distract myself I decide to text Sasuke and see if he's awake. I shoot him a message and tell him that I made it home safe.

It takes him a while to reply, but when he finally does he asks me how it went.

"Alright…" I respond cryptically with an annoyed looking emoji tacked onto the end.

"Just alright?" Sasuke questions.

"Kiba's got some girl over," I tap back, "he started making out with her in the middle of the basement and then ditched the party without telling me. I'm really annoyed."

"What the fuck?" he replies, "Who?"

"Don't know," I tell him, "I've never seen her before."

"That's unfortunate."

I recall Ino's snarky comment. They all knew what was going on. I wish I could have defended him in front of them, but it would have sounded dumb as fuck. We all fucking knew exactly what he was doing. It's clear as day that he's trying to make sure we all know he's not gay. He likes girls.

"Hopefully he won't regret it," Sasuke continues.

"I hope not," I concur.

But he probably fuckin' will. Hopefully he just doesn't decide to act like a total douche after. Sasuke and I continue to talk. The conversation changes away from Kiba. He says he told his brother, Itachi, that we're together. That surprises me, but it makes me glad as hell that he was finally able to get the words out to at least one of his family members.

I should probably tell my family soon. I keep saying that, and it's not like I'm avoiding it, I just haven't found the time. It would probably be encouraging for Sasuke though. I want him to feel like I'm taking this seriously and that I want people to know about our relationship.

"Do you think we should tell our friends soon?" I decide to ask him.

"Well, Karin's known awhile," Sasuke recalls for me, "plus I just told Suigetsu and Jugo recently too. So yeah, I guess it's only fair if you can tell your friends too."

"Oh wow, really? You told those two?" I reply quickly. I'm surprised. I didn't realize Sasuke had been sharing the information with so many people. I'm pleased though. It's good.

"Yeah, is that alright?" he questions.

"Totally!" I respond, "I just didn't expect it."

I'm really glad he is telling people. I feel like this is good for him, especially considering that these people will support him. I can only hope his parents will do the same, but Sasuke firmly believes that they won't. It's sad... Parents should always support their kids.

What Sasuke says next shocks me even more.

"I also told them all what happened to me back in January."

He's full of surprises tonight.

"Aw, wow," I type. "How did that go?"

"Fairly well," he replies simply.

"Did you feel okay after telling them?"

"For the most part. It gets easier the more I talk about it."

"I'm so glad," I write.

I really fucking am.

I'm so happy that Sasuke told me. I'm so happy that he has people to support him. It makes all the difference in the world it seems.

As soon as I send the message, I notice that the thumping sound from Kiba's room has started to get louder.

Ugh, now he's just being fucking rude. I'm starting to get really agitated and there's no way in hell I'm going to listen to this shit all night. So, I pick up one of my smaller textbooks and fling it against the wall. It makes a loud slamming noise and the thumping stops almost immediately. I bet Kiba didn't even fucking realize I was home.

I guess he wouldn't have… but still, there's no fucking way he's having a good time in there. That's probably why this is taking so fucking long. That and he's probably trashed to hell. I let out a loud, irritated groan and start complaining about it to Sasuke. Nearly a fucking hour passes before they calm down in there. I decide to head into the living room and wait for Kiba. I mean, it's not even midnight yet, so I doubt he's going to bed. If he was aware enough to fuck, then he's aware enough to have a damn conversation about it.

After some more minutes, the girl leaves the room. She looks surprised to see me there at first, but then it turns to a look of anger. "Your roommate is a real jackass," she says to me.

For fuck's sake…

"What the hell did he do?" I ask somewhat wearily.

"He kicked me out!" she exclaims. "I take a fucking taxi all the way here with him, he says I can crash, and then he changes his mind after we screw."

I want to roll my damn eyes. Of COURSE he did. "Well, want a ride?" I offer. I feel like I have to offer, even though I don't really want to drive her all the way back to wherever the hell she even lives.

"No," she bites out. "Just call me a damn taxi."

So, I do.

She crosses her arms and stands by the door, not looking like she's in the mood for any type of conversation. I guess I can't blame her—she doesn't know either of us and probably wants to get the fuck out of here.

I hang around until she finally leaves, and lock the door behind her after she goes. Then I head straight to talk to Kiba.

"Kiba…Seriously?" I snap as I push into the room. He's rolled over facing the wall but as soon as I enter he lets out an audible groan.

"You could have at least let her spend the night," I tell him, getting closer to his bed.

"Didn't want her to," he states simply. Sounds like he doesn't even feel a little bit guilty.

"Then why the hell did you tell her you would let her," I snap, even though I know the fucking answer and it's so awful.

"Wanted her to come back with me," he says.

"Tsk," I click my tongue. "That was a real dick move… That's not something the real Kiba would do."

He rolls over and sits up, glaring at me. "Go away, Naruto!" he shouts. "I don't care!"

I scoff at that. "Yes, you do! You care about what EVERYONE thinks and that's why you did this! That's why you went and made sure EVERYONE saw you! You're not a dick, so stop acting like one or you'll get a bad reputation."

"Better than this," he mutters. "Better than having rumours going around that I let my roommate fuck me up the ass. I don't want that to be my reputation."

At least he's fucking admitting to it.

"They're not rumors," I retort, knowing it will probably make him angry. "You DID let me do that. Why does it matter?!"

"It's… it's private!" he exclaims justification, getting really worked up. "I don't want people seeing me as someone who does that stuff! It makes me uncomfortable!"

"Stop acting like it's such a bad thing!" I exclaim, starting to feel a little offended, "Your roommate likes guys! Your roommate's fucking boyfriend likes guys! Could you stop for just one second and think about how it makes me feel when you say shit like that?"

"I don't care about it when it's you two!" Kiba insists. He sounds angry but also a little frantic. "I just don't want people thinking I'm gay!"

"So tell them," I conclude, "tell them you're not like you told me you're not and let them fucking figure it out on their own time. You don't have to prove it to people. You don't have hook up with poor random girls who you're going to make feel like shit about themselves."

He scowls. "They're not going to fucking listen. I mean, what straight guy would let another dude fuck him?"

"Some do," I reason. "It happens. It isn't really anyone else's business."

He looks annoyed. He must know I'm right, though. He's being fucking foul and it isn't fair.

"It still makes me uncomfortable," he mumbles.

"Well, that's your own fault," I remind him. "You got drunk and shouted it in front of Shion and Hinata, and Shion blabbed."

"What a bitch," Kiba says sourly.

I roll my damn eyes at that. Yeah, it wasn't cool, but who can really blame her for it?

"Whatever," I scoff, "everyone at the party saw you so you don't have to worry about proving it anymore."

"Good," he bites out.

Honestly, everyone probably just thinks he's compensating now which is even worse for his case. Ino's comment sort of goes to prove that. Serves him right though. I don't feel even a little bit bad.

The night so did not have to go like this. I'm a little bitter at Shikamaru and Chouji for bringing up what they should have known would be a sensitive topic, but Kiba did NOT have to respond the way he did. He could have let it roll off his back. He could have calmly explained that no, we aren't together and that no, he isn't gay. I'm sure they would have believed him. There were a million different choices he could have made.

If he stops blowing up, people will find him a lot more believable. He just needs to fucking explain himself in a way that doesn't sound desperate as hell.

"You better not pull a stunt like this again," I say. "It's not fair for you to lie to these girls."

"Lay off," he responds, sounding dull and bored. He doesn't sound like he is wasted, but he is definitely drunk.

He'll probably feel shitty as hell about all of this in the morning. I hope he does, then maybe there will be less chance of a repeat. Then again, maybe not. He did sleep with me a bunch of times and apparently that wasn't something he loved to do.

Ugh. That still makes me feel so grimy to think about. I should have been more perceptive and less focused on figuring out if I was into men. Maybe then I would have realized just how fucked up things were between us.

I stand there for a moment not saying anything, and eventually Kiba rolls back over to face the wall. "Go away," he tells me, "I want to go to sleep."

What the fuck ever. "Goodnight," I say curtly, exiting the room and not bothering to shut the door behind me.

"Close it," I hear Kiba call as I get further away, but I flat-out ignore him.

I head into my own room and climb into bed, shooting Sasuke a goodnight text saying that I'll see him tomorrow.

.

.

In the morning, I wake up and head straight to Kiba's room. He isn't there, though. I move to the bathroom and hear the shower running. Glad to see he isn't going to be sleeping the day away.

I head into the kitchen and make toast with jam, sitting and eating it. After that, I decide to do some chores. I head down to the laundry room to do my laundry and when I get back, Kiba is STILL in the fucking shower. I bang on the door a few times, warning him not to waste water. The bill will get expensive. He doesn't reply, though.

What the fuck? He probably feels dirty from last night's idiocy. I guess I shouldn't bother him too much. He'll probably just get pissy.

I sit and watch TV, but then I start to worry. What if he's dead or something?

I get back up and bang on the door until I hear, "WHAT?!"

Phew... He's okay.

"Hurry up!" I shout back.

He doesn't respond and I get the feeling that he's going to be cranky with me when he finally finishes up. He fucking hates being told what to do—he says it makes him feel like a child—but I really can't have him running the shower for hours and hours.

Akamaru is dutifully waiting by the door, so I give his head a pat and then return to the couch. Finally, probably still around twenty minutes later, I hear the water shut off.

Eventually Kiba appears in the hallway with Akamaru dancing around his feet, but he's already fully dressed. He must have taken his clothing into the bathroom with him, which is weird because it's not something he usually does. I can't help but wonder if he just doesn't want me looking at him because, y'know, he's so super straight.

"You good?" I question as he passes by me on the way to his room.

"I'm fine," he mumbles.

"All right..." I mumble back, watching him disappear into his room again. I want to go after him and talk things out but I don't want it to turn into a yelling match again. I think he knows what he did last night was lame as fuck and hopefully that means he won't be doing it again. It isn't fair to the girls he might be sleeping with and kicking out.

He's upset. I get it, but he cannot go around dragging others into it.

I'm not saying he dragged me into anything, though. I wanted to sleep with him and he wanted to sleep with me on some fucked up level. It was bad, but he has no right to be acting like what we did is ruining his damn reputation. It's fucking not.

I really don't want to waste my day thinking about this though, so instead of waiting around to pick a fight I decide to go about the rest of my morning in preparation for picking up Sasuke. I head to the bathroom and hop in the shower, but I make it quick because there's literally no hot water left and it's already so steamy in there that it makes me feel like I'm going to suffocate.

When I'm done, I get dressed and brush my hair in my room because the mirrors are all fogged up anyway. By the time I finish, it's half past twelve and I call to Kiba as I head out the front door telling him I'll be back in a few hours.

I head to my car and to Sasuke's place. It doesn't take me long. I shoot him a text when I arrive and he appears from the front door a moment later.

He's wearing jeans and a sweatshirt and there's this little smile on his face as we make eye contact.

It feels fucking good to see him after the week I've had.

"Hey," I greet him as he opens the door and takes the passenger seat.

"Hey," he echoes.

I give him a peck on the lips and we drive off.

"So, sounds like you had a fun night," he says jokingly.

"Ugh," I mutter. "Yeah, the most fun."

"Just stop babysitting him," Sasuke suggests. "Let him learn the hard way."

"I'm going to have to." I comment, "It's like he's dead fucking set on wrecking himself."

Sasuke gives me a sad look that makes it seem like he wants to hear about how the rest of the evening went, so I relent and tell him.

"Shikamaru and Chouji know that Kiba and I hooked up," I explain, trying not to sound as irritated as I feel, "actually, it seems like the whole school does."

"Damn, really?" Sasuke asks, "How'd they find out?"

"Fucking Shion blabbed," I tell him, "I can't really blame her though. I mean, I probably would have told my friends too. I guess she told Ino and Ino fucking told all our friends because who the hell wouldn't? That's seriously hot gossip."

"True," Sasuke murmurs. "Was everyone surprised?"

"Yeah, they were all dying to know the details," I say with a scoff.

"How typical," he retorts. "Did you tell them?"

"Yeah, I did," I admit. "I mean, they already knew… So, I didn't bother trying to deny things for Kiba's sake. Kiba freaked out, though. Naturally."

"Naturally," Sasuke echoes.

"So, where do you want to go?" I ask. "Any special requests?"

"Um, yeah, actually," he says. "I went to this weird, little restaurant with Karin, Jugo and Suigetsu a while ago. You might get a kick out of it."

"Oh, sounds interesting!" I respond and he gives me directions to where it is located.

When we get there the first thing I notice is that it looks more like someone's house than a restaurant. It's cute though, and painting various shades of purple.

"This the place?" I ask as I park right in front.

Sasuke nods. "It's kind of weird," he says, "really eccentric. The food is good though and the decorum is cool."

We head inside and get a seat by the window. "What's good?" I ask Sasuke without bothering to look at the menu.

"Well, I had quiche last time I was here," he tells me, "but Karin said that fondue was their specialty."

"Want to share something like that?" I propose.

He agrees and that's what we end up ordering. While we wait, Sasuke turns the conversation back to last night.

"Did you tell Shikamaru and those guys that you're with me?" he asks.

"Oh, no." I reply, taking a sip of my water, "It wasn't really the right context. I not trying to shock them with it."

He nods slowly.

"Is it okay if I do tell them?" I wonder.

"Yes," he says. "I want them to know we're together."

I smile slightly. "Yeah, okay. Good. I want them to know, too. I want everyone to know." I pause and then decide to ask, "Is it okay if I talk about Kiba? Are you okay with the fact that I slept with him?"

"Yeah, it's fine," he insists, but it doesn't sound sincere. It just sounds dismissive, like he doesn't want to get into it.

"Are you sure?" I probe.

"Yes!" he says somewhat sharply.

I give him a dull look. "Be honest, Sasuke."

He sits back in his seat and sighs. "I don't get it. I don't get how you can be friends with someone you fucked… and it's weird for me because you talk about it so much. I guess everyone talks about it now that it's out in the open."

"Are you jealous?" I ask and he gives me this sour look. "Aw, come on, don't be like that," I say, reaching over the table to press my palms against his cheeks and squish them together. He turns his head and slaps my hands away, scowling at me.

"Don't do that!" he snaps. "I'm serious, Naruto."

"Sorry, sorry!" I chuckle, pulling my hands back to my sides.

"You're pissing me off," he grumbles, so I do my best to wipe the smirk off my face.

Sasuke crosses his arms and stares bitterly at the candle that's flickering on the table.

"I'm not trying to make you feel bad," I explain, trying to understand where he's coming from, "I really didn't know what it bugged you so much."

"It doesn't really bother me that it happened!" He insists, looking exasperated, "I know don't want people running around campus thinking that you're together or whatever. I'm not even there to defend our relationship."

"I'm not going to let anyone think we're together," I say, shaking my head, "I already told Shikamaru and Chouji that we weren't."

"Did they believe you?" he asks.

"Well, yeah, they saw him being felt up by some chick for half the night," I remind him.

Sasuke wrinkles his nose. "Was Kiba good in bed?"

The question throws me off big time. "What?" I choke out.

"Was he good in bed?" Sasuke asks again, repeating the question calmly.

I frown at that. "Sasuke, I'm not going to compare you and him, so if that's what you're worried about… you don't need to be."

"I can't really help it," he admits. "When we slept together… it was a mess. I can't even count it."

"I don't care about that," I insist. "I care about YOU and we can do it all at your pace, okay?"

He nods his head lazily. "Fine."

"I mean it," I reiterate. "Look… Yeah, I want to have sex. Before we started to get to know each other, it was the only thing I wanted… but now I KNOW you. Now I just like BEING with you. So, I can wait."

He rolls his eyes at that. "For how long, though?" he asks me.

"For however long it takes," I tell him.

"What if it takes a month? Six months? A fucking year?" he probes some more.

I shrug. "Then it takes a year. That's fine. I'm not with you just so I can screw you. I really, really, really fucking like you."

And I feel like I will more than like him someday. Someday soon, maybe.

Sasuke seems unconvinced but he drops the subject anyhow. I wish he would stop worrying about this. I'm not going to leave him just because he isn't ready to have sex with me. I'm so not that way and I feel a little offended that he's assuming I am. I mean, by the end of Sakura and I's relationship we weren't having sex at all because she literally doesn't like men. I still stayed with her though. I loved her.

I can't believe he would go down the road of asking me how Kiba was in bed. There's literally no way I can answer a question like that. He was good, of course I can't lie, but the reason why he was good is fucked up as hell. I wouldn't wish that shit on anyone.

I think Sasuke knows that, too. He's probably just annoyed right now and it's slipping his mind.

"Sorry," Sasuke mumbles after a few minutes.

"Don't worry, you're fine," I tell him and he simply nods in response. "How are you feeling lately?" I decide to ask him.

"I'm okay," he answers. "Kind of high-strung, but that's pretty typical."

"Anything I can do to help?"

He shakes his head. "I think I'll feel better when my parents know we're together, but at the same time I don't think I CAN tell them… Everyone in our house is so fucking fake. We all have secrets. Itachi has some, too. He's not as ideal as my parents seem to think he is."

"Oh yeah?" I cock an eyebrow at that.

Sasuke smiles smugly and I can tell he's about to drop something huge. He only gets that look when he feels like he's really about to shock me.

"He's told me he's gay too," he snorts.

I literally feel my jaw drop. "Are you fucking kidding me?" I barely even manage to get out.

Sasuke smirks, "Not even a little bit. Get this: he's dating someone who was a key witness on his old case."

"The scandal!" I exclaim, draping the back of my hand across my forehead.

"I know!" he laughs.

Honestly this is such a relief. I can barely fucking believe it. No wonder Sasuke was willing to him we were together.

I smile and reach out, taking his hand in mine. "After all of this time of you running around feeling like he was the perfect kid…you two both have the exact same thing going on."

"Yeah," he agrees. "Now he knows all my secrets… and he's been great. I mean, he's always been great… but I didn't think he would understand this much."

"It must help to at least know that you have some familial support, though, right?" I ask him.

"It does," he admits, "I wish my parents would be as supportive… but they won't. They're going to be ashamed."

"How do you know, though?" I probe.

He shrugs. "It's just… obvious. It's obvious because of the way they are. They want things to be their way. They raised us to be a specific way. They want us to become lawyers, to meet women, to marry women, to have children… Being gay isn't part of the plan."

"Ah…yeah…" I mumble, trying to think of something to lighten the mood. "I know people can't choose who they love and all," I end up saying after a moment, "but you have to admit that if your parents 'raised you to be a specific way' it's pretty funny and ironic that both you and your brother are gay."

Sasuke lets out a little laugh. "That's true," he says, "I never would have guessed it about Itachi. He's been with his boyfriend for two years and my parents still don't know. They just think they're great friends."

"Itachi probably wouldn't have guessed it about you either," I point out, "I never would have known if you hadn't taken the chance telling me."

Sasuke nods his head. "I tried pretty hard to hide it. I guess I did a good enough job because people are usually pretty shocked… except Karin, I guess."

I snort at that. "She knew it?"

"Somehow," he says with a shrug. "She's my best friend, though. So, she probably knows me well enough. No one else did."

I nod my head. "Fair." I pause and then add, "Well, I'm glad you decided to tell me. I feel like it helped bring us to where we are now."

"Probably," he agrees. "I guess I felt comfortable enough saying it because I knew about you and Kiba. Plus, after what happened to me in January I didn't feel like being gay was my shittiest secret."

I frown at that. It's so fucking shitty to think about. Sasuke seems like he's doing better now but nevertheless the whole thing makes me so damn angry. I'm never going to be able to forget about it.

Eventually our food shows up and we take turns dipping the bread and vegetables in the melted cheese. It's tasty. This place is cute. Karin has good taste and Sasuke was right to think I'd like it here.

About halfway through the meal my phone pings and I pull it out of my pocket to check the message.

"It's from Kiba," I tell Sasuke while he's in the middle of trying to fit a piece of broccoli in his mouth without getting it on his face, "he wants to know where I am and when I'll be home."

"Do we have plans after this?" he asks.

"Not really," I shrug.

"Well, do you want to stay out a while? Or do you want to go back and check on him?" Sasuke offers, stirring the pot of cheese a little with his fondue fork.

"I think he's probably okay…" I pause, trying to decide what to do, "I'll tell him we'll be a while but that if he needs me to come home I can."

Sasuke nods and I type the message back. Mere seconds later, Kiba replies. He's annoyed, I can tell. He asks if I'm avoiding him and I insist that I'm not and that I just want to spend time with my boyfriend.

"What's he saying?" Sasuke asks me.

"He wants to know if I'm avoiding him," I say, "which I'm not."

"Hm…" Sasuke muses. "Think he feels bad about last night?"

"Probably," I confirm. "He locked himself in the bathroom for most of the morning and then he hid away in his room until I left. I don't know what he's doing now."

"He's probably ready for reassurance now and that's why he wants you to come back," Sasuke contemplates.

Oof. He's probably right. Kiba switches between being frighteningly aggressive and the lowest type of self-loathing. If he's done feeling angry then he probably just feels like shit.

"Think we should go back…?" I ask, unsure of how to proceed.

"It's really up to you," he answers, "if you feel like we need to make sure he's okay then we can."

Ugh. I don't know what to do. On one hand, I feel like if I go home he might just try to start a fight with me. We'd inevitably end up talking about last night and I know he'd hate that. On the other hand I don't want to leave him hanging if he's feeling like crap.

"I'll ask if he's okay," I conclude, tapping out the message quickly and hitting send, "…there! I'll see what he says and then decide."

A moment later he texts back insisting he's fine. I guess that's that. I'll keep messaging him every so often just in case, but I feel bad about whipping my phone out while me and Sasuke are on a date.

"Sorry," I say, tucking it away.

"Don't worry," he says. "I get that the situation is pretty sensitive."

"Thanks," I murmur.

I feel like most other people wouldn't be this understanding… but then again, maybe Sasuke is understanding because he knows what's happening. He also understands that kind of experience on a deeper level than I do.

We finish out meal and after we pay, we decide to head down to the boardwalk. Now that we're getting towards the end of fall, it won't be too long before it's too cold to come down here and I haven't been all summer.

We walk around and hold hands, which is nice considering that up until now with the exception of pride we've been more reserved in public. I even manage to convince him to take some cute, couple-y pictures with me inside a photo booth that's set up outside of an arcade. There are a couple of me making silly faces and Sasuke looking critical, but there's also one of us kissing and we just look so damn happy in it. I end up buying two copies and telling Sasuke to take one home with him.

"I love these," I say.

"Me, too," Sasuke concurs.

He puts the photo in his wallet and I do the same. I'll probably put them up somewhere in my room later on. Sasuke will probably keep his in his wallet.

I think these are the first photos we've taken together. It makes me want to take more.

After a little more wandering around, we grab drinks - chai tea for Sasuke and a latte for me - and then head back to my apartment.

Today was nice. Getting out and doing something new was nice.

"That was fun," I say.

"Yeah, it was," he agrees. "I'm glad we got some pictures."

We should do stuff like this all of the time. It was so nice and relaxed, which is something I could definitely use more of in my life. I feel like I'm always on the go.

On our way home we stop by the corner store and pick up two pints of ice cream. Sasuke looks like he feels guilty when I tell him he should get one of his own, but I insist he does anyway. I buy cookie dough and he ends up with cherry chocolate chip.

It's around eight when we finally get back to the apartment, and I'm surprised to find that the front door is locked. I pull out my keys and let us both in, and I soon as I close the door behind us I head to Kiba's room to check if he's around.

He's not, which is weird. Normally he wouldn't be out this late. Normally he wouldn't be out at all.

I shrug it off and we decide to sit down in the living room to eat our ice cream and watch some TV. I hand Sasuke the remote while I go into the kitchen to get spoons. Sasuke settles on a documentary… typical. I don't mind, though. This one looks kind of cool. It's about serial killers. That stuff always tends to be interesting – a lot more interesting than history and plants or everything else he likes to learn about.

I sit down next to him, hand him a spoon and we dig in. I can tell Sasuke is probably counting the bites he takes. I debate on mentioning it, but I don't. He does this with junkfood when he feels like he's eating too much of it.

We continue to bum around the house and watch television. A little before 11PM, the door opens and Kiba pours into the apartment with another girl.

"What the hell?" I say out loud.

Kiba flat-out ignores Sasuke and I. The girl he's with waves hello while he barely even bothers to glance in our direction.

"Were you at a party?" I ask in another attempt to get his attention. Still he hardly responds, instead choosing to stand in the doorway and peel off his coat and shoes.

"Yeah at Sigma Chi," the girl answers for him, "you guys having a nice night in?"

Ugh. She seems nice. She seems REALLY nice. Should I tell her this is going to end in disaster?

"Uh, yeah. We're watching a movie," Sasuke responds before I get the chance, "wanna join?"

I give him a weird look. It's unlike Sasuke to willingly hang out with strangers. When I catch his eye though, he stares back at me and nods his head slyly in the direction of Kiba. Ahh. He's trying to derail them.

"Oh! Um…" the girl mumbles, glancing over at Kiba herself. He finally managed to get his sneakers off. He seems like he's pretty fucking drunk.

"Sorry, we're busy," he snaps at us.

"Fine, have a cow," I mutter.

Fuck, what a dick. Sasuke doesn't bother saying anything else and neither do I.

I mean, what else CAN we do at this point? I don't want to risk pissing Kiba off – especially not when he's drunk and in a mood.

Kiba pulls the girl into his bedroom. I feel sorry for her because no matter how down she is, he'll probably make her feel like shit when he kicks her out. That's how it went last time, at least. I really don't want a repeat.

"I hope they aren't loud this time," I mumble to Sasuke.

He wrinkles his nose. "Yeah… That sounds uncomfortable."

I give a long nod. "It was, holy shit."

Sasuke reaches for the remote and turns up the volume on the television. No matter how mad I am, I can't help but smirk. That was exactly the reaction I needed.

He leans in against my shoulder and for a while, the sound of the documentary is enough to drown out the sound of whatever the fuck they're doing in there. Eventually though, the girl starts sounding like she's trying WAY too hard.

Sasuke gets a little pink in the face and hunches down into the couch cushions. "This is embarrassing…" he comments.

"Ugh I know!" I let out a little chuckle, "It was like this last night too. It's awkward because to me it's like so obvious he's faking the whole thing."

Sasuke looks blatantly distasteful. "Yeah… I guess that's his problem, then. It's sad, but you shouldn't worry so much. I mean, what can you do?"

"Not much," I admit.

It sucks, though. It sucks because I know this isn't making Kiba feel satisfied or fulfilled. It's probably just making him feel empty and adding to whatever fucked up shit is going on in his head. I don't want him to keep making things worse for himself and that's why it is so damn hard to sit here and watch shit hit the fan.

But Sasuke is right. I can't really do anything unless I want to literally go in there and pry them apart… but I can't. I have no right.

Akamaru pads over to us and lays at the foot of the couch, whining softly. I wonder if he's upset that Kiba keeps running off at night without him. I wonder if he can even tell the difference.

Kiba's technically supposed to take Akamaru everywhere, so I'd imagine that Akamaru'd be upset at being left behind, right? The argument Kiba always uses is that he thinks it'd be cruel to take a dog to a loud and crowded frat party, but I think realistically it's that Kiba doesn't want to have to explain himself to people. When college students are drunk they get nosey. They'd probably actually have the balls to ask what Akamaru was for, instead of just speculating like they do when they see a service dog in the classroom.

I mean, it's none of their business so I get why they'd be upset… but Kiba could just brush them off. He doesn't have to answer their questions. It's not theirs to know. Plus, it's not like Kiba would ever tell a group of nosy drunks squat. But I guess the questioning is enough to set him into a mood – especially if he's drunk enough.

Me and Sasuke continue to watch TV. We finish the rest of the documentary and then start on another. A little way through it, Kiba's door opens. I turn around and see the girl leaving. She spares me and Sasuke an awkward glance and I can tell Kiba probably just told her to leave. Hopefully he didn't hint to her that she could stay like he did with the other girl.

Once she's out the front door, I get up and go lock it behind her. Then I head back to the couch where Sasuke and I exchange an uncomfortable look.

"At least she didn't seem mad?" he offers.

"Yeah...greaaat," I drawl.

Akamaru pads away from us and noses his way into Kiba's room through the ajar door, which is pulled closed a second later.

"Think we should go check on him?" Sasuke asks, peering down the hallway.

"I don't know," I shrug, "I think he'll just tell us to piss off."

Sasuke nods slowly. "Yeah..." He mumbles, "you're probably right."

At that, we resume our movie. We still have a while until we finish it because honestly, Kiba and whoever that girl was were pretty fucking quick. He probably wanted her the hell out of here as soon as she came over.

I bet he couldn't wait to kick her out. I don't know what the fuck the point of all this is anymore. He's not really helping his case by making people feel like shit. I don't know why this is better than people thinking he's gay or some shit… That stuff literally doesn't matter at all. I wish he'd get that, but he doesn't. He cares way too much about what people think and he always goes about it the wrong way when he's trying to change the way people see him.

Some time around midnight, I decide to cut my losses and go check on Kiba since he didn't come out at all since the girl left.

"One sec," I tell Sasuke before getting up and moving down the hallway. I open his door and push it open, saying, "Kiba?"

It's dark and he's lying in his bed like a lump. I don't even know if he's conscious anymore. He could be asleep. I head closer to the edge of his bed and whisper his name a couple more times. He doesn't answer, though.

I leave the room but keep the door open. Somehow that makes me feel better—like he can't just hide away from me.

"He's totally out," I comment to Sasuke, who by now has stood up from the couch and wrapped the blanket we were snuggled up with around himself.

He nods, walking towards me and peering into Kiba's room. Then turning back to me he asks, "want to head to bed?"

"Sure," I relent, patting a hand against his shoulder. Sasuke goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth, but I don't bother. I'm worn out. I'm so stressed. I just want to go to sleep.

A few minutes later, he joins me under the covers and faces me. "Good night," I say softly, placing a hand on his cheek and pecking him on the lips.

"Sleep well," he replies, closing his eyes.


	29. Chapter 29: Sasuke

tw: graphic discussion of childhood sexual abuse

SASUKE'S POV:

When I wake up, I'm alone and lying smack in the center of the bed surrounded in Naruto's sheets. I don't mind, though. It's better than waking up alone in my own house. Somehow, I feel safer here. I'm still not used to sharing a bed with another person, but I like it. The only other person I've done this with is Karin and the context was completely different. Sleeping with Naruto—really sleeping with him—is comfortable. He's just as affectionate in his sleep as he is when he's awake, which is nice. I didn't think I'd actually enjoy being held, but I do.

I lie around for a little while since it's still relatively early. I pull the blankets up to my chin and stare up at the ceiling for a moment before closing my eyes again. I take in a deep sigh, feeling groggy.

I had my job interview with the liquor store. It went okay. I didn't really mention it in detail to Naruto yet because I'm not sure if I got the job. They said they would call me within a week, so I'm expecting to hear back any day now. It's not really what I wanted, but it will do for now. It'll do until I figure out something better.

When I finally feel awake enough to get out of bed, I pull one of the throw blankets off and take it along with me. Now that it's getting late in the year, Naruto's apartment is chilly in the morning. He's probably trying to save money, but it wouldn't kill him to turn the heat on every once in a while.

I get to the living room and I'm surprised to see that Naruto isn't around. Maybe he stepped out for a minute? I move into the kitchen to get myself some breakfast and notice a hastily scrawled note sitting by the coffee pot.

"Went to campus to group study for midterms! Be back later. Help yourself to anything in the fridge and take it easy!" it reads, followed by a few hearts and a poorly drawn kissy face.

I snort at the picture before setting it back down. I make a bagel and then have some tea after I eat. Cup in hand, I head into the living room and watch TV. Around noon, Kiba finally leaves his room. He's squinting.

"Hung over?" I ask him.

He grunts in response, which doesn't really tell me much. He then puts a palm over his forehead and hazily wanders into the kitchen. Yeah… probably hung over.

I set my cup down on the coffee table and then get up with the blankets still wrapped around me. After following Kiba into the kitchen, I see him strugglinh to open a child-locked bottle of pills.

"Here," I say, taking it from him and twisting the cap.

"Fuck," he mumbles, rubbing his temples.

"Headache?" I ask expectantly, handing him a single painkiller.

"Yes," he bites out, taking it and fetching a glass of water.

"Want some food?" I offer, moving towards the fridge and opening the door, "You guys seem like you have a lot of options right now. I had a bagel and cream cheese. I'll make you one if you want."

Kiba stares at me as he finishes off his drink and sets his glass in the sink. Then he shuffles through the kitchen to look in the fridge himself. For a moment he seems to contemplate my offer, but after glancing through the shelves of food he changes his mind. "Thanks, I'm good…" he tells me, before walking away.

Well, I tried. I'm working really hard to be sensitive and supportive, but I still don't feel like it's getting me anywhere. It's really fucking disheartening.

He ends up going into the bathroom and taking a shower. Oh, well. I sit back down in the living room. I end up watching a few documentaries before Kiba actually leaves the bathroom. He immediately heads into his bedroom after that. I decide to get up and check on him.

"Are you okay?" I ask as I push his door open. Fuck, he must hate not having a lock. It's probably driving him nuts.

"Uh-huh," he says, sounding annoyed. He doesn't bother glancing up at me. He's sitting on the center of his bed with his phone in hand, typing a message. I wonder if it's his uncle, but I don't ask.

"Are you sure?" I ask, taking a few more steps inside.

"Yes, I'm fuckin' sure," he spits, finally sparing me a glance.

I roll my eyes at that. "Yeah, you totally sound fine…"

His jaw tightens. "Well, what do you seriously expect me to say? I'm as fine as I can be right now, so that's good enough."

"No, it's not," I argue. "You clearly feel like shit and you shouldn't settle for feeling that way."

He doesn't respond to that, giving me an annoyed glare instead.

"Who was that girl you had over last night?" I question, inviting myself in further and taking a seat at the foot of his bed. Kiba looks vaguely perturbed, but doesn't try to tell me to leave.

"Dunno," he shrugs, "I met her at the party."

"You don't even know her name?" I scoff, "That's pretty crummy you know."

"Well, I'm sure she told me," he says, rolling his eyes, "I was just drunk, so I don't remember. We didn't exchange numbers or anything so it doesn't really matter."

"Did you want to hook up with her?" I press.

Kiba scrunches up his nose. "I mean, duh," he scoffs, "I brought her back here didn't I?"

"Did you REALLY want to hook up with her?" I repeat, giving him a sideways look.

He shrugs, trying to seem careless even though he's anything but. "I didn't care."

"Yeah, I think you did," I insist.

I think he cares a whole fucking lot.

"You shouldn't keep doing things you don't want to do," I try again.

Kiba shrugs once more. "I can't really help it. I get in these moods…" he trails off. "It's hard to explain. No one gets it. It gets tiring to have people telling me to just stop when I seriously can't."

"Well, try," I challenge, sitting down at the edge of his bed. "I'll listen. I mean, I might get it."

"Well… have YOU ever slept with someone even though you knew you'd regret it?" he asks me.

"Yeah, I have," I admit.

He nods slowly. "Why'd you do it?"

"I was compensating," I explain, although laying it out like that always makes me feel like shit, "I hated that I was gay and it made me hate myself. At the time I thought that hooking up with a bunch of girls would counter those feelings and make me feel better, but it ended up making me feel worse. It was more like I was punishing myself for having the feelings in the first place. I wanted to be miserable."

"Well," Kiba clinks his tongue against the back of his teeth, "there you have it."

"So you're trying to make yourself feel bad," I conclude.

He looks bothered by that deduction even though it's literally exactly what he just said. I guess we're similar in that way. It's an uncomfortable feeling—knowing just how much you hate yourself.

"It's not that I WANT to feel shitty," he explains, "I just don't know how to function when I feel anything else."

"I understand that," I tell him, "and I know it sounds hard and maybe this isn't helpful, but I've been forcing myself to plow through it and maybe you can too. If we don't, we'll never find out what it's like to be happy."

"Are YOU happy?" he asks me.

"I'm okay," I say. "Getting there, maybe. Some days are better than other days. I still get triggered by a lot of shit."

"Fair," Kiba mumbles. "All of my days are bad days lately…"

"Try to stay in next weekend," I try to suggest. "We'll all do something – me, you, Naruto."

"I'll try," he says with a snort. "Can't make any promises."

"Want us to stop you if we see you trying to go out?"

"That'll probably piss me off," he murmurs, looking mildly humoured at the idea.

"I know," I tell him, "but Naruto and I are really just trying to help. We're not trying to police you or anything, we just don't want you to continue making yourself feel like shit."

Kiba lets out a frustrated sigh. "I know that," he says in a huff, "I just like, hate the way Naruto does it. He's been driving me insane lately. If he sees me doing something he doesn't like he can feel free to offer an alternative...but if I don't listen I just want him to leave me alone. He doesn't though—he always gets so fucking mad and that makes me get defensive."

"You understand why he has trouble just forgetting about it and letting you do what you want, don't you? I mean he worries about you a lot," I explain.

"He shouldn't," Kiba mutters. "I don't know why he always has to get so worked up over me."

"Because he CARES," I reiterate. "He cares a lot."

"I know," he relents. "I wish I didn't stress him out so much. I feel bad about it."

I feel like I'm getting nowhere with him. It sucks. I wish he wouldn't give himself such a hard time. He deserves more than he settles for. It's depressing to watch him screw himself over constantly. It probably gets tiring for him.

"Do you think you'll bring home another girl?" I ask.

"Dunno," he says. "Probably. I mean, I know I'll regret it and I don't really want to, but… yeah, I probably still will. This is better than doin' it with a guy, though."

I make a face at that. "Kiba…" I reason.

"No—" he interrupts me, "don't make it about you and Naruto. You know what I mean. You HAVE to understand why it's different for me—why it's not as simple as just liking guys or not. Please don't give me a hard time."

I want to argue, but I don't. Part of me wants to accuse him of being homophobic, but deep down I know that's not what this is. I do understand why it's different for him, and in reality it probably IS better that Kiba isn't sleeping around with guys. It would be a recipe for disaster. Naruto was understanding and really, really gentle with him in regards to what happened. Not everyone would be. I can't even imagine what it would do to Kiba psychologically if he started hooking up with a guy who was a dick as a coping method.

"Okay," I say simply. "I see where you're coming from."

"I'm so fucking frustrated that Naruto told people."

At that I shake my head. "Naruto didn't tell anyone," I try to reason. "Shion told people. She probably shouldn't have but she was angry and so she did. She told Ino and Ino told Shikamaru and he asked Naruto about it."

Kiba gives me a disgruntled look. "I wish he had just lied," he says quietly.

Maybe that would have made things easier, but maybe not. Shikamaru and Chouji might not have believed him, which would have made Naruto and Kiba both look way more suspicious. Plus it would just make things even more awkward for me since I'm the one actually dating Naruto.

"Shikamaru probably would have been able to tell," I reason. "Or he would have figured it out. You know how he is."

Kiba lets out a heavy sigh. "Yeah," he nods, "I know, I just wish Naruto didn't speed up the process."

"Naruto probably explained to them that you're not gay," I try to reassure him.

"Well, I'm not," he snaps.

"I know," I tell him.

"I just feel like I need it sometimes," he mumbles, sounding embarrassed.

"What are you going to do next time you feel like you need it?" I ask him gently.

His eyebrows knit together and he looks contemplative. "I don't know. I'll probably go to a bar and let someone pick me up. Or one of those stupid parties at school as long as the guy isn't too obvious, y'know? I don't really know any guys who like guys… just you and Naruto. The thing with Naruto was convenient and now that that's off the table I need to find someone else."

"Oh," I respond, unsure how to react to that. It already sounds like he put some thought into it, which is kind of sad. "Um," I continue, "What triggers you to feel like you need to sleep with a guy?"

He sneers at the question. "I don't know… fuck."

"Yes, you do."

His eyes travel around the room and he's looking everywhere but at me. It's like he can't bear to maintain contact while he's talking about these things and I guess I don't blame him. It's hard to talk about your secrets. It's hard to watch the reactions of the people sitting in front of you.

"It's like..." he mumbles, but then he stops himself, "ugh, this is so fucking gross..."

"You're not gross," I insist.

He glances up at me wearily, looking like he feels half dead.

"I have all these bad memories," Kiba admits after a deep breath, "of Hiro like, touching me and shit."

I try to keep a blank face and nod, urging him to continue.

He grimaces, but finishes what he was saying. "When I have enough time to just sit and think, they always end up floating up," he explains, "sometimes even when I'm busy or in the middle of class or something. It doesn't only happen when I'm like bored or alone or some shit. It's not like there's something specific that people do that triggers me either...although if someone touches me and I'm already in the wrong mood or if they bring up family related crap that sometimes contributes. It's more like I fucking trigger myself. My mind starts going on that subject and it gets deeper and deeper until I feel like I'm literally living it all over again and I just want it to go away. I feel like when I was sleeping with Naruto I was trying to replace all those old crappy memories with new ones."

That's some heavy stuff.

"I'm sorry," I say softly. "That sounds unbearable."

"It is! Fuck!" he exclaims with a bitter laugh. "And it's so pathetic!"

"No, it's not," I reason.

"This is probably weird for you to hear," he adds in a mumble, "but sleeping with Naruto helped a lot at first… but then the memories of Hiro and the memories of Naruto just kind of started to blend together. Then sleeping with Naruto wasn't satisfying of comforting anymore. It just ended up becoming yet another triggering experience. So, I guess it's good that he cut things off… because I never would've. I'm too weak for that."

"You're not weak," I tell him, but the words are in vain.

"Don't tell Naruto any of this shit," he adds. "I think he'd be upset."

I nod my head, feeling somewhat uncomfortable over the fact that I'll have to keep this from him… but I will keep it from him. I'm not going to betray Kiba's trust. I think that would be worse.

"I won't," I assure him, "everything we talk about can stay between us unless you tell me it's okay to include Naruto."

Naruto would probably be happy to know that Kiba's talking to me… but there's no doubt in my mind that these details would make him feel like garbage. Worst than that, I know he'd blame himself entirely. He'd say that he should have been paying closer attention or that he should have known better or something.

"Okay, thank you," Kiba mumbles weakly. This is probably emotionally taxing as hell for him to talk about.

"Thank you for telling me these things," I reply in an attempt to be reassuring, "they're important. It's important that you talk about them."

"I guess so," he says quietly.

"Do you want to keep talking?" I ask him. He looks exhausted. This is probably starting to take a lot out of him.

"What else is there to say?" he retorts with a shrug.

"Whatever you want," I say. "You can talk about your cousin if you want. You can talk about school. You can talk about anything."

"School," he repeats with a laugh. "It seems so unimportant sometimes… but for some reason I'm still acing all my courses."

"Is it a good distraction?"

He nods his head lazily. "Yeah, I still really want to be a vet. I've been studying like crazy lately. Better than thinking about other shit… my family and Hiro…"

"That's awesome," I comment, trying to keep up the good mood, "way to go."

I wish that the result of my crisis had been to throw myself into my studies. I did exactly the opposite.

"Thanks," he says with a chuckle, "I wonder sometimes if that's how my sister did it, you know? Like things were so fucked up in our house that she just focused on school and it's what got her where she is now."

"It's possible." I nod along, "Did your sister ever find out…what was happening?"

At that, Kiba's face changes. "Oh yeah," he confirms lacklusterly, "she found out. Everyone in our family knows."

Oof.

"How did she react?" I decide to ask.

"Poorly," he answers. "Her and Hiro were close growing up. She wasn't around a lot though because she's older than both of us and was always busy. I think it really disturbed her."

"Yeah, no wonder…" I murmur.

"It was, like, such a betrayal…" he continues.

"Have you ever talked about it with her?" I wonder.

Kiba shakes his head. "She pretty much shut me out after. We've never been close, but after that we were even more distant. It's like she didn't want to face it… just like everyone else. So, I was left alone with it. I feel stupid for expecting more from them. Even now, I want them to apologize, but they never will. I've pretty much accepted that, but it still sucks."

"Yeah, that's awful of them…" I sympathize.

"They're idiots," Kiba says with a sense of finality. "And Hiro is just plain evil. He sees the weakness in you and he exploits it."

"He seems like the worst person ever," I agree. I feel lucky as hell to have never met him. I can't believe that Naruto actually hung out with him multiple times back when he was coming around here and we all were still under the impression that he just wanted to visit family.

"He fucking is," Kiba grumbles.

I can't even imagine how I would react if I saw Hiro now. Part of me wants to think I could keep it together but I might actually flip out. I could see myself getting angry and yelling, but even more so I could see myself being absolutely terrified. It's still perplexing to me that Naruto tried to fight him and got his face smashed in. Naruto's a pretty big guy.

It's hard to see Naruto get angry because he's usually so calm and easy going. Kiba probably hated it, too.

"Do you think you'll see him again…?" I decide to ask.

Kiba snorts. "Yeah, I definitely will… I don't really know when or where or how it'll go, but it's inevitable."

"Are you worried?"

"Yeah," he murmurs, "especially after last time. Fuck, I've never been so scared in my life. Even when I was a kid… I wasn't that afraid of him, y'know? He was my best friend. I thought he was so fucking great. I mean, I knew I didn't like what he was doing to me, but I also thought it was normal. Now that I know it's not if it ever happened again I'd seriously lose my shit. I wouldn't' be able to handle it."

I nod slowly. "Do you think he'd ever try something like that again?" I ask.

Kiba looks beyond disturbed. "I really don't know," he stares down at his hands, "I want to think no. Like I said before, I don't think he's a pedophile. Maybe he would do it just to fuck me up in the head even more but...part of me feels like if he was going to he already would have."

"Right..." I stare at him critically, "but he hasn't come near you since last time...?"

"He hasn't even tried to contact me," Kiba shifts uncomfortably, "I don't know if Gaku talked to him or not. I don't think he would, but maybe he told Hiro to stay away from me? I honestly have no idea what goes on in their house."

I wonder if Kiba even wants to know. It would probably be difficult information to deal with regardless because anything about his family is difficult - especially involving his cousin.

"Maybe Hiro's a sadist," Kiba contemplates. "I know he gets off on controlling and manipulating people. I guess I was his favorite because I made it so fun... Well, I doubt I'm his favorite anymore. Hopefully he won't go and find a new favorite. If that possibility is on the table, I'd rather he just sticks with me."

It's so revolting I hardly know what to say. So, I simply respond with, "Still, hopefully he stays away from you from now on..."

Kiba snorts. "Yeah, hopefully. I guess we'll see eventually."

We sit there quietly for a moment and Kiba looks uncomfortable. "Do you want me to make you some food now?" I offer again, since it's starting to get late in the afternoon and he still hasn't eaten.

"Okay," he relents, "Just like…what you said earlier is fine. A bagel is fine."

I swing my legs over the side of the bed and stand up, offering Kiba a hand. Then we head to the kitchen where I pull a bag of bagels out of the breadbox and fish around in the refrigerator for the cream cheese.

Kiba pulls up a chair and sits at the breakfast bar. He looks totally worn out.

"Why don't you tell me what you're studying in one of your classes right now?" I ask in an attempt to keep him going.

"Genetics and physics are probably my hardest courses," he mumbles, "it's a ton of lab work."

I nod along. "I had a lab for one of my math courses in my first term. They're so much extra work."

"Yeah," he says. "It sucks ass, but at least I enjoy the material. It would probably be a hell of a lot worse if I didn't. Plus, all of it kind of stays in my head."

"That's a good sign," I tell him. "That must mean you're doing what you like."

"I think I am," he agrees.

"Good," I say. "I'm really happy for you."

"Thanks," he mumbles, looking uncomfortable.

We've come pretty far, to be honest. We don't really fight now. We get along. We're more than civil. We can actually have a meaningful conversation without him losing his shit.

"Did you end up hearing back from any of those places you applied?" Kiba asks, "Like from the gallery and stuff?"

It surprises me because I don't think he's ever really asked me something about my life. Not something that wasn't super heavy in the context of a super intense conversation anyway.

"I had an interview at this liquor store last week," I reply, "I'll still waiting to hear back though."

"Gotcha gotcha…" he bobs his head, "You know, I like working in the mail room. It's easy and doesn't take a lot of thought. If you really need a job I could ask if we need more help."

That surprises me even more. The fact that Kiba would be okay working in close quarters with me after all the shit we've been through is pretty outlandish. I guess that really goes to show how things have changed.

"Thanks," I tell him, pulling the bagel from the toaster and setting it on a plate, "I'll definitely keep that in mind if these guys don't get back to me."

I get a butter knife and spread cream cheese on the bagel before setting it in front of him. He nods his thanks and takes a bite. I sit across from him as he eats.

I know he never formally apologized to me—just that time right after he got home from the hospital and sobbed it out—but I don't really care. I can't be mad at him—especially knowing all the shit he's been through. When you get to know a person, there's so much more understanding. I can tell he's sorry for being such a dick, even if he doesn't say it.

"How do you feel now?" I ask him once he's finished eating.

"Eh, okay," he says with a shrug. "Better than I did."

"Good," I comment, "want to watch a movie with me?"

"Um," he mumbles, looking unsure, "yeah alright. I guess I have time."

"Alright," I move past him and into the living room, "I'll let you pick this time since I know you think I have lame taste, but next time I'm definitely making you watch this documentary on the rain forest that I found. You'll like it if you give it a chance—even Naruto likes it."

Kiba scoffs at that. "Yeah, we'll see," he chuckles.

He ends up settling on some sort of comedy and I guess I shouldn't be that surprised considering his mental state. For some reason I thought he'd be more into action like Naruto is, but I guess even those can get a little heavy sometimes.

It's a silly movie – the kind I wouldn't typically watch on my own, but I don't mind watching with another person.

"Do you still want to be a lawyer?" Kiba asks me suddenly.

"I don't know," I admit. "I don't think I can be. I feel like I've totally lost capability… I mean, we're known for defending criminals… rapists. I couldn't do that. I seriously couldn't... I can't imagine knowing my client is guilty of something like that and still having to defend them."

Kiba nods his head. "Yeah… I don't blame you."

"It's hard to stay objective when you know what it's like," I add, "and lawyers… they need to be objective. I can't be, though. That's why I need to reconsider my career path."

"Is your family okay with it?" Kiba pries. "Aren't they, like, ALL lawyers?"

"My parents aren't happy," I tell him with a snort. "Itachi, my brother, he's okay with it, though. He supports me no matter what… Plus, he knows about what happened to me in January."

Kiba nods his head. "That's good… It's good you were able to tell people."

"It's not easy," I empathize.

"Nothing is," he snorts. "I hate being an adult. I miss being a kid, even though most of my childhood sucked ass, I feel like my adult life is way worse because now I'm aware that it sucked."

Oof. That's rough. I can't even imagine what it would be like to associate my memories from this past year with when I was still a kid.

"If you don't mind me asking," I say quietly, "when was it that you started to realize what happened?"

Kiba sighs through his nose and looks thoughtful. "Not that long after really…" he admits, "probably when I was thirteen or fourteen. Whenever the other guys on my soccer team started all the gross locker room talk where they'd tell everyone the shit they supposedly did with their girlfriends to try and seem cool."

I feel my stomach tie itself in a knot. "Jeez…" I murmur.

"I know," he continues, he voice sounding strained, "it's like Hiro got a hold of me in this fucking sweet spot between ages where I still had no fucking clue what sex was. I was so sheltered as a kid. I still remember the first person to ever say something that tipped me off. It was that guy who was a few years older than us—Sakon. He kept bragging about how his girlfriend would put out for him and I was like…put out what? So I went home and looked it up. You can guess what I found."

"Fuck… I'm sorry you had to learn all that on your own," I say.

He shrugs. "Me, too. It was disgusting. I mean, I talked to a doctor, but it was only one session and nothing really registered after such a short period of time. My parents didn't want me talking about it, so they didn't take me back."

God, his parents sound foul. They sound worse than mine.

"It's so hard to recover without support," I say. "I'm sorry they're like that…"

Kiba lets out a long sigh. "Yeah, so am I… but whatever. It was a big shitstorm. Suddenly all that locker room talk started to set me off. Every time I'd hear guys talking about sex I felt like throwing up. The things they'd say… They were all fucking disgusting."

"Yeah, we went to school with a lot of assholes," I murmur.

"Yeah," he agrees. "Sleeping with a girl for the first time was so gross. I was so repulsed the entire time – not of the girl, but just at myself. I don't even know why I did it… It was a year after all that shit got so fucked up. I just decided to do it by choice for the first time after getting really trashed at Ino's birthday party. It was that really huge one she had when she turned fifteen. I don't really remember the girl. I think she was one of Ino's friends, part of her clique or whatever. I mean, everyone was doing it… So, I decided to do it, too. God, it was so fucking dumb. We had terrible sex and I pretty much ran away as soon as it was over… I remember thinking she was too pretty for me and what she would say if she knew what I did with my cousin. Hah, I don't think I've ever had any sex that wasn't completely horrible."

It's sad to listen to, but I can kind of understand. Sex with girls wasn't something I liked and sex with guys just made me feel like shit and sex with Naruto just triggered an onslaught of painful half-memories. Maybe I've never had a genuinely good experience, either.

"I think I can relate to that…" I drone, kind of staring at the wall because I honestly can't bear to look at Kiba if I'm going to get into it about myself, "I used to get so, so wasted because I wanted to fuck these girls and I wanted it to feel normal. I hurt a lot of people's feelings. I still feel bad about it."

I see Kiba nod out of the corner of my eye. "Yeah, I remember that all the girls were always pining after you," he recalls.

"I know, it was awful of me." I confess. "For a long time I didn't care though. I didn't care at all. I'd hook up with them and then I'd go home feeling numb and never speak to them again. It wasn't until I started sleeping with guys too that sleeping with girls started to feel really, really bad. That was when I knew I was lying to myself. This one time…" I pause.

Kiba looks at me expectantly. I don't really want to continue, but I kind of feel like I owe it to him for being so open.

"God this is embarrassing," I grumble, "you can't tell anyone."

"As if!" he exclaims. "You think I'd go around blabbing your secrets after all the shit you know about me?"

I can't help but chuckle at that. It sounds pretty genuine, so I continue.

"This one time I couldn't even get it up," I reveal, feeling my face getting hot as I say the words, "I was just SO not turned on by her. I blamed it on the alcohol but I knew. I KNEW it was because I was gay. It was the worst. I could tell she thought it was because she was ugly or something…but it wasn't her fault at all."

Kiba stifles a laugh and I give him a dirty look.

"That's happened to me too," he says sheepishly, still sporting an awkward half-smirk and getting a little red in the face, "the last time Naruto and I hooked up actually. I had like, a total meltdown."

"Really?" I ask, glancing at him.

He nods. "I couldn't get it up, but he kept asking me if I was okay, if I was turned on, if I wanted him to get me off… I was like, no, I don't, and then I just lost it and started crying."

"Ah…" I murmur. "Naruto told me something happened, but he never really told me what."

"Well, now yah know," he says with a shrug. "It was embarrassing as fuck. That's when I told him about Hiro…" He pauses and then adds, "Is this too weird to talk about? I know you guys are dating now…"

"It's weird, but I don't mind," I tell him. "It's not like you're after him or something. I get it…"

"Are you sure?"

I nod my head. "Yeah… We haven't really had sex yet, though. I mean, we kind of did. We got, like, halfway through it and I realized I wasn't ready and I freaked out. He felt like shit, which made me feel like shit."

Kiba snorts. "Poor Naruto…"

I smile wearily. "Yeah, he said something along the lines of, 'Why does this keep happening?' I didn't pry, but now I guess I understand what he was referring to."

Kiba wrinkles his nose. "Think you'll ever be ready?"

"Yeah," I say, "I just don't know when. I feel like I'm more comfortable with Naruto than I am with anyone else, but that's not enough yet. I need to get entirely comfortable. I don't really know how I'll know when I am, though."

Sometimes I worry that Naruto will change his mind. I know it's irrational, but I can't stop the thoughts from coming into my head. I don't want him to leave. It's funny. I'm usually the one to walk off, but this time is different. I'm staying. I'm in it. I don't want to know what it's like to be on the receiving end of things, but maybe I have it coming.

"I don't know…" Kiba muses, "I don't really have any advice on that. I'd say just keep trying until it feels right because that's what I do…but it hasn't worked out very well. Naruto will take it slow with you if you ask, but you just have to make sure you keep communicating because he's bad as hell at figuring shit out on his own."

"That's true," I stare at the floor, "he's good at a lot of stuff but piecing things together isn't one of them."

"Did you have to tell him what happened to you?" Kiba asks.

I nod.

"I guess I'm not surprised," he bobs his head along with me, "I mean, I had no idea. I don't know why I would have though. We barely talked. I did know something was wrong because you were always so intense about school and then all of a sudden you weren't. I get it now though. It would have been hard for me to stay in school too."

I nod. "I tried, but things were way too fucked up. I got so paranoid. I mean, I didn't remember who the guy was… No one did. So, I would've had no way of knowing even if he was looking right at me."

Kiba wrinkles his nose. "Yeah, that would fuck with my head, too… Do you think you'll actually end up going back to school?"

"I'm not sure anymore," I confess. "I mean, I'm not sure what I would study…"

"Well, you have plenty of time to figure it out."

"I've been trying," I admit.

I've been putting thought into what I want to do with my life, but I can't seem to decide on anything. I wanted to be a lawyer, but now it seems like the worst possible path I could take. I think doing that for a living would surely drive me nuts.

"S'good," Kiba says. "You'll figure things out eventually."

"I hope so…" I mumble forlornly, "maybe this ridiculous but I sometimes get worried that after this sleeping with a guy is never going to feel good…and because I don't like girls I'm just doomed to feel like crap forever."

Kiba nods slowly. "I guess we both just have to give it more time," he says, sounding defeated.

Ugh. This is such a bad feeling. I hate waiting around for shit to fix itself. I want to be better right now.

"Hey," Kiba says in what sounds like a forced cheerier tone, "here's something I've been wondering: who's the first guy you did it with? Did he go to our school?"

I snort at that. "Yeah, he'd probably gut me if I told you though."

"Aw man, now I really want to know," Kiba whines.

I frown and begin to contemplate. "Well, he goes to university with us too…"

Kiba looks super interested as he nods his head. "Yeah? Who is it? I won't tell."

I don't know if telling him would be a good idea. I'm sure he wouldn't spread it around, but I also don't know what he'd do with the information. He might just be acting nosy. He probably is.

I let out a sigh and then say, "I seriously shouldn't. He'd be mad."

"He isn't going to fuckin' find out you told me," Kiba points out.

I sigh again and then relent with, "Fine, it was Zaku Abumi. He's the guy with black, messy hair who always looks stoned but never actually is. He's a piece of shit."

Hopefully this doesn't come back and bite me in the ass.

Kiba raises an eyebrow. "Jeez, he's the last guy I would have expected… How the hell did that happen?"

"It really should NOT have happened," I say with a grumble, "I was desperate so I let him treat me like shit."

"How so?" Kiba asks.

"I let him yank me around," I explain, "I don't know if he wanted more out of me than I was ready to give or if he just fucking enjoyed playing with my feelings. Sometimes he'd booty call me and I'd give in but then the next weekend we'd be at the same party and he'd be hanging off some girl. It made me feel like I was getting rejected or he was like rubbing in my face that if he didn't want to settle for me he didn't have to."

"That's really fucking crappy," Kiba comments.

"Yeah it was terrible," I scoff.

"So, then what happened? I take it you broke things off?" he ventures.

"Not really," I admit. "He just kind of moved on and left me in the dirt. He was vile."

I fucking wish I broke things off before he ditched me. Then maybe the entire experience wouldn't be as shameful. I was so permissive. I still am. I wish I wasn't, though. I wish I could change that part about myself.

Kiba grimaces and then nods his head. "Yeah, that's shitty… You probably felt like crap after it happened."

"Well, yeah," I admit. "Before then, I was just doing it with girls. When I finally decided to do it with a guy I thought it would be different, but the whole thing was almost worse."

"What year were we in?" he questions.

"It was towards the end of when we were juniors," I tell him.

"Gotcha…" Kiba mumbles, messing around with the crumbs left by the bagel on his plate.

"I wish I had accepted the fact that I was gay sooner," I say with a sigh, "I thought that everyone was going to think I was gross or freak out or something. I mean, my parents still might, but no one else seems to give a shit. Even my brother…I told him Naruto and I were dating just the other week and he told me he was gay too—which is crazy. I never would have known. Maybe if I had told him sooner about myself I would have suffered less."

Kiba gives a long nod. "That's kind of cool, though, right? You can probably talk to him about it. He'll get what you're going through because he's going through it to with your parents."

"Yeah," I agree. "That's true… though, I think he deals with it better than I do. He tends to deal with everything better."

"Well, I don't want to assume, but he probably hasn't been raped," Kiba says bluntly. "That's a whole different level of shit to deal with. No one gets what it's like."

"I guess," I murmur.

"Gonna talk to him some more?" Kiba asks.

"I'm not sure," I admit.

Ideally, I'd like to, but at the same time I know these things are difficult for us both to discuss.

I wonder if Itachi will move out soon. If he does, I think the ability for us to spend time together independent of our parents would help our relationship a lot. After all this time, finding out that my brother was gay was a huge shock. I'm starting to realize that my parents kept us both so busy growing up, that I actually barely know him. I don't know what any of his interests are other than law and earning money. He probably doesn't know any of mine either.

"Siblings that are a lot older are difficult," Kiba says knowingly, almost like he's readying my mind, "they've always got so much shit going on."

"That's true," I agree, "I always feel like I'm falling behind in comparison."

"Me too," Kiba mutters.

"I haven't spoken to my sister in a long time," he adds. "I don't really know anything about her anymore… just that she's a veterinarian."

I nod my head slowly. "Do you wish you knew her?"

"Sort of," he admits, "but I also kind of resent her. I thought she'd be more supportive than my parents, but she wasn't. She was basically just as bad but in different ways."

"Yeah," I murmur. "Would you ever reach out to her?"

"No," he says, shaking his head. "I don't want to. She's the one who left. I think the last time I spoke to her was to ask her if she could lie for me about what I was doing for spring break. I wanted to spend it at the school… and I knew my parents wouldn't be okay with that, so I lied and told them I was doing a kind of co-op thing through one of my classes. My sister did the same program as me, so she said she would vouch if they asked her. I don't know if they ever did, but… whatever."

I nod my head again. "Yeah, well, at least she is willing to do that much…"

Kiba snorts at that. "Yeah, I guess."

Eventually, the front door opens and Naruto appears. "Hey," he greets us.

"Hey," I echo while Kiba simply nods his head.

"I'm surprised to see you two are hanging out," he comments, walking over and flopping down on the couch between us. "Talking about me?" he questions with a waggle of his eyebrows.

Kiba scoffs and I almost do to. "You're full of it," he snorts, shaking his head.

"Whatever, you love me," Naruto retorts playfully.

It's been a while since I've been him in such a good mood. Is this because Kiba and I are playing nice? Honestly, spending time with him is not nearly as onerous as I always thought it would be.

"How was studying?" I decide to ask.

"Ugh, fine—" Naruto rolls his eyes, "hard though. Hope I don't fuck up all my shit. All my classes are intro-level still. I didn't expect them to be so difficult."

I wish I could say I'd help him study, but I don't know any of the material and even if I did I probably wouldn't be up for it.

"You'll do all right," I tell him. "Just keep studying."

"That's the plan," he says. "So, have you guys eaten?"

"Bagels," Kiba supplies.

"I can make dinner in a bit," Naruto suggests. "Any special requests?"

Kiba shrugs carelessly and I simply say, "Anything."

Naruto smirks at that. "The expected response."

I smile back at him and then shrug my shoulders. "Everything you make is good. I'm not fussy."

"Aw," he coos at me, pinching my cheek. I slap his hand away and scowl.

Naruto smirks. "I'll make fried rice then," he tells us, seeming completely unfazed.

Kiba and I's conversation stops there and the three of us dink around on the couch for a while, finishing up the movie that Kiba picked that we completely ignored the first half of. At this point I'm not even sure what's going on in the plot.

Eventually, Naruto does get up to go make dinner. I offer to help but he insists that it's no problem. When it's done, he brings three bowls and sits cross-legged between us again.

We eat and the food is good, as expected. Naruto asks me if I want to stay the night again and I say yes. Kiba doesn't seem as annoyed as he usually does.

I'm glad about that. Maybe things will start getting better from here on. He's talking a lot more. I think talking about things helps. I never used to think so, but now I can't really deny that it's true. Naruto was right about that. I feel better having fewer secrets. Then I don't have to work so hard on keeping things hidden.

I'd like to be able to tell my parents these things, but I don't know if I really ever could. That's a different situation. I need to think about what's best for me. I just wish I knew how they would react. I wish I knew how my dad would react… I wish I knew what he would say to me. Would he be angry? Disgusted? Ashamed? Will this be just another embarrassment I bring upon my family?

I wish that my dad could sense that something was wrong on his own. If he asked me directly, I'm sure I'd end up telling him. That's what happened with Karin and then Itachi. I wanted to say it but I couldn't on my own. They backed me into a corner and I guess that's what I needed. In the moment I hated it but now I'm glad it happened. I can't even imagine where I'd be right now if I was still keeping all that shit cooped up.

Around ten, Kiba tells us both that he's going to head to bed and Naruto and I decide we're going to follow his lead. I'm not particularly tired since all I did was sit around today, but Naruto seems wiped out and I want him to be well rested for class tomorrow.

After brushing out teeth, we head into Naruto's bedroom. He kicks off his jeans and dumps himself into bed. I follow him and he wraps his arms around me. I relax in his hold, letting myself get comfortable.

.

.

The following day, I wake up when my phone starts ringing around 9:40AM. I jump out of bed and grab my phone, leaving the room before answering, "Hello?"

"Hello, may I speak with Sasuke Uchiha?" the voice comes.

"Oh, speaking," I respond politely.

"Hello! This is Yamato from the Liquor Commission. Your interview went great, your references checked out and if you're still interested in the position we'd like to get you started."

"I'm still interested," I say.

He's one of the managers that interviewed me. He seemed pretty easy going, but I can tell he still runs a tight ship.

"Great! When are you free for a training session?"

"Um… today? Whenever, really."

"Great!" he says again. "How about you come in for a quick 1-5 shift today. We'll get you to watch some videos, sign some papers and then review the point of sale system."

"Sounds good," I say.

"See you then!"

"See you then," I concur before hanging up.

I let out a sigh and head back into Naruto's room. By now, he's sitting up in bed. He glances at me and asks, "Hey, what was that?"

"I got a job," I tell him.

"Oh that's awesome!" he congratulates me groggily, "Where at?"

"A liquor store I applied to on a whim." I say, sitting on the bed beside him and tucking my legs back under the covers. "They had a posting outside of the library and I decided I might as well give them my resume. I had an interview last week but was waiting for them to call me back."

"That'll be fun." Naruto comments and then nudges me lightly in the ribs, "You gonna give me a boyfriend discount? Since I'm your favorite boyfriend and all."

"Haha," I roll my eyes at him, "Let me at least start working there before you go asking me to break the rules."

He snickers at that and wraps his arms around me. "I think this will be good for yah. It'll probably help you feel more independent to be making your own money."

"Yeah, I think so," I agree. "They want me in for 1:00."

"Want me to drop you off?" he offers, letting me go. "I don't have classes 'til late noon."

"Sure, if it's not any trouble."

He waves a dismissive hand at that and then climbs out of bed. "Want breakfast? I can make an omelette."

"Sure," I say. "Be out in a sec."

He nods and then leaves the room. I sit here for a few more minutes. I really hope this job pans out. I'd ideally like to be able to keep it for at least a few months. I don't want to look like a flake.

Finally I push myself out of bed and head into the kitchen where Naruto is pouring a bowl of whisked eggs into a frying pan.

"What do you want in it?" he asks me as I walk barefoot across the tile floor.

"Tomatoes." I answer, and then pulling a carton of orange juice out of the refrigerator I pour a glass for both Naruto and myself.

Naruto nods and grabs a knife and cutting board from the drawer. I place the glass of juice near him and he takes a sip.

"Thanks for always cooking," I say over his shoulder and he gives me a sly smirk.

He slips a hand around my waist and pulls me closer, giving me a sloppy kiss on the cheek. "It's never any problem. I love cooking for you," he says under his breath.

It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy when he talks like that. Even the little things like this matter so, so much. I never thought I'd have this – let alone with Naruto. I didn't think I DESERVED it… but I think I do now. I deserve something good.

We eat and chat and Kiba doesn't end up leaving his room until a little while before me and Naruto have to leave.

"Good morning, sunshine," Naruto greets him.

Kiba grunts groggily, moving towards the fridge to grab an apple.

I head back into Naruto's room and dig around through the clothes I left laying around. I settle on a sweater and a pair of khakis. I know they'll give me the required uniform either today or during my next shift. I wasn't really paying attention when I was there. Hopefully it's nothing dumb looking.

As I'm getting dressed, Naruto joins me in his bedroom and eyes me up and down, fishing through his closet one-handed and not really paying attention.

"Don't you look professional," he teases, indicating my khakis, "you're all dressed up for your first day of work."

"You're in a good mood." I finally decide to comment, raising an eyebrow at him. "Did you have really good dreams or something?"

"Maybe," he chuckles, pulling a kind of ratty looking long-sleeved shirt off of a hanger, "or maybe I'm just happy."

I snort and bob my head a little, accepting that as his final answer. Once my sweater is on I take a look in Naruto's mirror and fix my hair the way I like it. "Okay, how's this?" I ask, turning around and indicating my entire getup.

"You look great," he confirms.

He pulls on the sloppy shirt and some jeans, grabbing his school bag. I grab my phone and my wallet, pocketing them before following Naruto into the foyer.

"We're heading out," Naruto calls to Kiba, who is still in the kitchen.

"Okay," Kiba calls back.

I wonder if Naruto is worried about leaving him alone all day. I don't know if he has classes. Maybe he's skipping or maybe they're late.

We leave the apartment after putting on our shoes.

"Think he'll be okay home alone all day?" I ask Naruto.

"He'll be fine," Naruto says optimistically. "I'm going to text him a bit. His uncle also checks in a lot."

"That's good," I say as we head to Naruto's parked car. We get situated and he pulls out of the parking space. The drive isn't too long, but it will be an annoying bus ride. I'd feel bad bumming a ride off of Naruto every day, though, so I'm not going to complain about it. I'm capable of taking the bus.

Soon enough, Naruto pulls up to the front doors and says, "Have fun, hope things go smooth."

"Thanks," I say.

He leans in and pecks me on the lips. I smile at him and get out of the car.

He drives away and I wave, hoping he sees me in the rearview mirror. Then I turn to head inside. The very first thing I do is mistake the pull door for a push door, which is probably about the worst thing I could have done. I struggle with it for a second because I'm already nervous and this is making me feel even more panicky. By the time I figure it out and let myself inside, the girl standing behind the counter has noticed and looks amused.

"You good?" She asks, eyeing me up and down as the door swings closed behind me.

"Fine," I reply gruffly, trying to mask my embarrassment but also doing my best not to sound like an asshole on the first day, "I'm the new hire. The manager asked me to come in 1-5."

"Oh, right on," she says. "You can just go knock on the office door and he'll let you in," she says, jabbing a thumb behind the array of cash registers. "I'm TenTen, by the way."

"Sasuke," I reply before walking towards the door she pointed to. I knock a few times and a moment later Yamato opens it and lets me in. The office is a decent sized square. There is a long desk against one side of the wall and a large safe on the opposite side.

"How's it going?" he asks. "It's great you were available to come in so quickly."

"No problem," I respond casually.

He points to a chair and I take a seat as he leafs through some papers. "All right," he murmurs to himself before saying, "Here we go." He hands me a few sheets of paper. "Read these over and sign, then we'll get you started on the safety videos and training courses. It shouldn't take too long."

"Sounds good," I say, taking the papers and reading through them. The first page is a letter that is "welcoming me to the team." The second page is a checklist of things I need to agree to do if I want the position – most of which has been covered during the interview. I need to be able to lift fifty pounds. I need to be available for call-ins. Etc. The last page asks for my personal information. I fill it all out and then hand the papers back to the manager.

"Great," he says, filing them away before setting up a page on the computer. "All right, you can sit in here and do your courses. It's all pretty straight forward, but you'll probably find it tedious. I'll be in the warehouse if you need me."

"Thanks," I say.

This is going to be dull as hell, I can already tell.

I click through the first few title pages and come to the first course on workplace safety. Awesome. Fortunately for me it's all pretty much common sense so I don't have to read too carefully. There are a couple "test your knowledge" questions at the end but I barely even have to think before answering. After that there's one on worker protections which basically tells me all the things my employer can't discriminate against me for. It covers racism, sexism, ageism, and thankfully homophobia too. I guess I'm glad to know they can't fire me on the spot if they see Naruto come in and flirt with me.

Once I'm done with all that, I come to a section of workplace harassment. Clicking through, it actually makes me kind of uncomfortable. All the examples seem to be directed specifically at women.

I wait for the video to switch things up, but it doesn't happen. I roll my fucking eyes. How typical is that? Everyone seems to forget that this shit isn't limited to one gender.

Whatever. I just want to be done with this shit. I keep clicking and soon enough I'm at the final "test your knowledge" section. When that's said and done, I decide to go find the manager. I scan the store until I see a back room. Instead of asking the girl at the cash for directions I cut my losses and head down there, pushing it open. Lucky for me, it appears to be the entry to the warehouse. I survey the area until I see a man moving boxes of stock onto a flatbed.

"Excuse me," I say, "Is the manager around? I'm the new hire."

"Oh, sure buddy, hold on" the worker says, setting down the box he has in his hands. He turns away from me and cups his hands around his mouth, shouting into the warehouse, "Yomato! You've got a new hire over here looking for ya!"

A few moments later, the man I met earlier appears from behind a few racks full of stock. "Great! Did you make it through all the courses?" he asks me.

"Yeah I'm done," I tell him, "sorry it took me a while."

"No problem," he waves dismissively, "I expected them too. There's a lot of stuff they go over and sometimes people have to spend way longer than you."

I nod and he walks past me, heading for the entrance of the warehouse. "Follow me," he says, "I'll have TenTen train you on the register."

I do as he says and follow him back into the store and towards the front.

"All right," Yamato says to TenTen. "Start training Sasuke on the register."

Ugh, this sucks. I know I'm going to make myself look like an idiot, thus seems to be the grand tradition of all job training.

"Will do," TenTen responds.

"We don't have your log-in information ready yet, so you can train on TenTen's until we get you set up with your own," Yamato informs me.

"If my till is off at the end of the night I'm blaming you," she says in a joking manner, but I don't really find it funny.

"It won't be," I assure her flatly.

"Play nice," Yamato says lightly, clapping us both on the shoulder. "I'll try and find you a shirt. We have a box lying around somewhere in the back. We probably seem pretty unprepared, but we didn't think you'd be able to make it in so soon."

"It's fine," I insist.

"After that, I'll print you out a nametag and then call head office so we can get your login information."

"Great," I respond and after that he walks off.

I glance at TenTen and she smiles. "I hope you have a strong backbone," she says, "because customers here can be FOUL. Alcoholics come in drunk, we can't serve them, they get angry… It's a shit show. Kids come in without their IDs, we can't serve them, it's a shit show."

She continues listing off work hazards and I'm beginning to think this is probably the absolute worst possible place for me to be working at this point in my life. Great.

"Perverted old guys come in and they can get kind of pushy with the girls working here."

"Gross," I say.

"You probably won't have to worry about that," she adds. "Guys typically don't… but you are kinda pretty, so who knows!" She pauses and then laughs like it's a hilarious possibility.

That comment makes my skin crawl, so I don't respond. TenTen doesn't seem to notice though, because she pops open the register and starts explaining opening and closing procedures to me: how to count out, how to prep for the next morning, that kind of shit.

I watch her and nod along silently, but I'm only half paying attention. I'm probably going to need to ask her to show me again. The prospect of a creepy old man coming in and trying to hit on me is giving me some very unpleasant reminders of some things I really don't want to have to think about.

By the time she finishes, I'm still stuck thinking myself in circles. Maybe they have a procedure for dealing with that kind of stuff? Maybe I should ask.

"Sorry to backtrack," I mumble as she shuts the register, "but what DO you guys do if someone comes in and is being pushy?"

"Oh," TenTen nods, looking thoughtful, "sometimes Yamato will come and kick them out. If it's not too bad usually I'll tell'm to get out or I'll ban them from the store. People always call me a bitch but I don't really care."

"Okay…" I nod along. "So, we don't have to force nice?"

"Not at all," she insists. "If someone is making you uncomfortable, you can tell them to fuck off. Plus, we'll always back you up. Even if you need to deny a customer for not having ID or being drunk or just being an asshole, we'll back you up. It can be hard when people start hollering, so don't hesitate to call someone up."

Would I even be able to tell a person to fuck off in that situation? I feel like I'd just shut down or want to run away.

"Okay," I say.

"Don't worry," she adds, probably sensing that I am. "I mean, you'll get shit customers eventually, but the more it happens the more you'll learn how to deal with it."

Fucking GREAT.

We spend the rest of my shift going over various company rules and after a few customers come in and go through the line, she has me practice ringing them up myself. Luckily I'm a fast learner, so figuring it out doesn't take very long. Unfortunately for me though, I already get the feeling this is going to be monotonous as fuck.

Yamato comes back out eventually and brings me my uniform shirt. It's kind of big, which is annoying, but at least it's not an obnoxious color.

When five o'clock rolls around I step into his office and tell him I'm going to take off for the day. He says thanks for coming in and that I did a good job. Then I tell him my availability and he says he'll email me with next week's shift schedule.

I tell TenTen goodbye and that I'll see her later, and then I walk a few blocks to the bus stop that my phone's GPS says I have to take to get back to Naruto's apartment.

It doesn't take me long to locate the bus stop and from there it doesn't take long for it to show up. Soon enough, I pull the cord and hop off, walking back to Naruto's apartment. I buzz in and head up. Either Naruto came home early or Kiba never left. Something tells me it's the latter.

When I reach their apartment, my suspicions are confirmed.

"Hey…" I say.

Kiba is sitting in the living room with a granola bar and a beer can. "Hey," he echoes.

"Aren't you supposed to be back in school?" I ask him.

He shrugs. "I guess. I went back for a day to get my shit sorted with the stupid disability services. That sucked dick. I don't really want to go back."

I nod my head slowly. "I'm sure they understand…"

He grits his teeth. "I hate that my professors know shit about me… even if it's the bare minimum, I don't want them knowing ANYTHING. Because then they stare and they feel sorry for me and it's fucking uncomfortable."

"I understand," I tell him. "It's always hard for people to know these things about you… but no one is thinking anything bad."

"I don't care," Kiba murmurs. "I just hate being pitied…"

I strip my sweater off and toss it over the back of one of the dining table chairs. "I know..." I say, thinking back to how I felt when all my professors noticed me tanking and kept offering for me to redo work, "I understand how that feels. It's just...it's good that they know. You need accommodations, even if you don't want them. I needed accommodations but I didn't try to get them. I should have and I regret it now."

"I just want to like, move past it." Kiba confesses, "Every time I get an email from my professor with that day's assignment it reminds me that I freaked the fuck out like, barely two weeks ago. So much so that now they have to like, structure part of their day around me to make sure I get the shit I need from them."

"Do you think if they stopped it would be easier for you to force yourself to go?" I ask, moving into the kitchen and grabbing a beer for myself out of the fridge.

"Maybe," he shrugs.

"That's what I thought," I admit, "still couldn't get myself to go though"

"Yeah," he murmurs. "I don't know if I would, truthfully, but still… It's just embarrassing."

"Do you regret what you tried to do?" I ask him, hoping I'm not venturing into dangerous territory by asking the question

He wrinkles his nose. "I do regret it, but mostly just 'cause everyone got so fucked up over it. Naruto flipped. My uncle flipped… I feel bad for freaking everyone out."

"If it wasn't for their reactions, would you regret it still?" I probe further.

He stares at the floor before admitting, "No. I'd probably try again."

That's kind of what I thought.

"But I'm not going to," he adds quickly. "It's no longer on the plate, so you don't have to freak out and run to Naruto to tell on me."

"I wasn't going to," I tell him.

"I'm finding other ways to cope," he says.

I raise an eyebrow. "Like what?"

"Just other ways," he reiterates vaguely and I can tell I'm not about to get any straight answers out of him. It makes me wonder, though. And it makes me worry. I hope he's not doing anything stupid.

"Like sex?" I ask.

"I guess," he mumbles.

"Other stuff?"

He shrugs.

I have no idea what he means but I don't like the sound of that. I guess if he's not going to offer up the information I'm out of luck though.

"Make sure you're taking care of yourself," I say sternly.

"I am," he responds, "I'm fine. Don't worry."

That's literally impossible though. Of course I'm going to be concerned. Kiba has made it more than clear that he's unstable and I'm not interested in ignoring that because last time we let him try to work shit out on his own it went very, very poorly.

I sip on my beer and peer at the clock. It's almost half past six. I'm kind of surprised Naruto isn't home yet.

"Do you know where Naruto's at?" I decide to ask.

"Soccer practice," Kiba mumbles bitterly.

Oh, that makes sense. I totally forgot he had that.

"Want to make some dinner?" I offer, "I don't know how to make a ton of stuff but we can try to piece something together in the fridge."

So, that's what we do. We settle on pasta because there is a can of tomato sauce in the fridge and that's simple enough. Kiba heats up the sauce in a pan and I boil the noodles. We eat and then put the leftovers in the fridge in case Naruto wants to eat when he comes home.

"Wanna watch TV?" I ask Kiba.

"Sure," he says.

"I'm going to shower first," I add. "You can pick something and I'll join you in a bit."

He holds up his thumb and grabs another beer from the fridge before heading into the living room.

I grab sweatpants and a sweater from Naruto's room and then head into the bathroom, turning the taps on before peeling my clothes off. Today went okay, all things considering. The job seems easy enough. I just hope I don't get any moronic customers, but with the way TenTen was talking, it seems completely inevitable. So, that will be annoying.

I step into the shower, making sure to bring one of the clean wash clothes from the towel rack with me. I feel grimy from my day at work, so I end up I scrubbing a little hard.

Since I don't help contribute to their water bill, I try not to take too long. When I'm done I step out and wrap myself in a towel. I walk over the mirror, which didn't even have the chance to fog up, and stare at my reflection. Then I take Naruto's comb and brush my hair back.

What Kiba said earlier about having new coping methods is still bothering me. I can't figure out what he means and I feel like if anything he might be taking some kind of drug? He did have two pretty crazy weekends in a row.

I know it's an invasion of privacy, but I think maybe I should look around—at least in the bathroom. If it's in here I could always play it off like I found it by accident.

So, I slide open the medicine cabinet. Sitting on the second to top shelf there's a small pill bottle that I'm surprised to see. I pick it up and turn it around, but it becomes obvious pretty quickly that it's prescribed to Naruto.

Oh, these must be his ADHD meds. It's weird though…I thought he said he wasn't taking these anymore?

Ritalin. Yeah, Naruto's name is on the bottle clear as day. I check the date and it's recent. I guess he is taking them again…? He should put them in his room. He shouldn't keep them where Kiba has access. I don't want to sound like I have no faith in him, but if he's feeling shitty enough he might grab a few. I close the cabinet and try to make a mental note to bring it up with Naruto later on.

I dry my body and towel dry my hair before putting my sweatpants and sweatshirt on.

Back in the living room, Kiba has accumulated a collection of beer cans.

"Hey, don't drink too much," I say.

"It's fine," he insists. "I can barely feel it."

I sit back down, pulling my feet and legs onto the sofa. Kiba seems to be watching a football game.

"Do you like sports?" he asks me.

"I'm not particularly athletic," I admit. "I don't really know anything about football."

Kiba laughs at that and then proceeds to explain the basic rules of the game to me.

Nearing what I assume it the end of the quarter, Naruto finally gets home. He comes in the door looking exhausted and sweaty, but when he sees Kiba and I sitting on the couch together again, he smiles widely.

"We made some dinner," I tell him before he even gets the chance to take off his shoes, "there's leftovers if you want some."

"Oh my gosh I'm starving," he comments, ditching his bag on the floor and heading straight for the kitchen to open the fridge.

"It's pasta," I explain, looking over my shoulder in his direction.

"Wow, you two sure played house today," Naruto jokes.

"All we did was cook dinner," Kiba snorts in response.

"Still, that's nice!" Naruto returns with a plate of pasta, joining us on the sofa. He gives me a sloppy peck on the cheek before taking a bite of his dinner. "Thanks," he says. "This is great."

It's nice to see him happy, even if it's over something little like this.

"So, who's playing?" he asks.

"I have no idea," I admit.

Kiba snorts and then starts giving Naruto a summary of the game and what's happened so far. I kind of zone out. When Naruto finishes eating, he sets the plate on the coffee table and then puts an arm around me. I relax, leaning into him. I want to talk with him a little bit, but I'll save it for later. I think it's good for us all to sit like this and I don't want to rush things.

"How was work?" Naruto asks me, still staring at the TV screen.

"Kind of weird," I say, staring at the television, "they had me do all these shitty courses that went over stuff like workplace discrimination and liquor laws."

"Guess that makes sense," he comments.

"There was something that kind of annoyed me." I decide to continue, "They had all these scenarios where they talked about women getting harassed but they didn't even have one example where they used a guy."

Kiba makes a face at that. Naruto seems kind of unsurprised.

"Ah, that sucks," he says, "those kinds of things always make shitty assumptions."

"It makes me feel like if that was happening to me that my boss wouldn't take me seriously or something," I confess, "I don't know if that's true, but it left a bad taste in my mouth."

"Understandably," Kiba mutters and Naruto nods along in agreement.

"Apparently it happens a lot," I add. "Mostly to girls, but the girl who trained me joked around and said since I'm 'pretty' it could happen to me."

Kiba scoffs. "What an idiot."

"She probably didn't mean anything by it," I add, "but it made me uncomfortable to know that's a possibility."

"Do you think you'll be okay working there?" Naruto asks.

"I don't know," I admit. "We'll see, I guess. They want me back on the weekend for another short training shirt, though I've pretty much got the hang of the cash system. I just need to get to know where everything is now."

"Seriously, if anything goes wrong you can ditch and call me right away and I'll come get you," Naruto says.

"Thanks," I murmur, though I'd probably feel bad making him drop things just because I can't handle things.

"Of course, it's no problem," Naruto insists, "your safety comes first."

"If Naruto was unavailable then I'd come," Kiba informs me, "you can have my number if you want. Unless you already have it. I know I don't have yours."

Coming from Naruto the offer is typical, but it's so unlike Kiba that it actually kind of shocks me.

"That's nice of you," I reply. I must sound pretty surprised because he laughs and then pulls his phone out of his sweatshirt pocket, handing it over to me.

"I'll send you a message," he tells me, "then you'll have mine too."

"Alright," I nod. I glance back over to Naruto and be looks beyond pleased.

I put my number into Kiba's phone before handing it back. "Great," he says.

A moment later, my phone buzzes in my pocket. I pull it out and see that he sent me a text. It's just an emoji of a piece of shit. I snort and say, "Thanks for that."

He chuckles and then returns his attention to the television.

Yeah, this is good. It's good for us to spend time with him. As much as we can. It's a lot easier now that we're getting along so well. It makes things less stressful and far more pleasant. Maybe if I apologize to him, he'll apologize to me. I feel like that's a conversation for another day, though – one when Naruto isn't around.

We finish watching the game and one of the teams wins. Hooray. Kiba and Naruto seem happy about it but I still don't understand what's going on either way. Kiba retires to his room and after that Naruto announces he's going to take a shower. After he stands up and heads down the hall, I decide to follow after him.

"Hey," I peek my head in the door, not bothering to knock, "can I talk to you about something?"

He's in the process of taking his shirt off and pulls it the rest of the way over his head before he acknowledges me. "Sure," he says, balling up his clothing and throwing it on the floor, "what's up?"

"I saw that you had a new Ritalin prescription," I enter the bathroom and slide open the medicine cabinet, "I didn't know you were still taking these."

Naruto raises an eyebrow at me."Why were you fishing around in our bathroom?" he asks.

"Kiba was being kind of weird earlier," I reply vaguely, "I wanted to make sure he didn't have anything he was keeping in there."

"Oh," Naruto nods, "well, yeah, I refilled my prescription recently. I got so antsy that one night and it seemed to bug you, so I asked the campus doctor for more."

"No, no, it didn't bother me." I insist, "I'm only bringing it up because I think maybe you should keep them in your room. They seem like the type of thing Kiba might take."

I hope he gets where I'm coming from and doesn't think I'm being paranoid. Then again, after all the shit that's been going on lately, I don't think Naruto would accuse me of a thing like that. He probably understands that the situation is pretty dire. When people are low enough they do things they wouldn't normally do.

Naruto wrinkles your nose. "Yeah, maybe…" He takes them and then hands them to me, "Can you put these on my dresser?"

"Sure." I nod and take them.

"I've noticed he's been drinking lately, too," he murmurs. "Not just at parties, but here as well…"

"Yeah…" I say, "He had a few tonight. He was drinking when I got home a little before six."

"Tsk," Naruto murmurs. "Hopefully this isn't going to be a problem."

God I hope not. Some sort of addiction is the last thing I want to deal with right now.

"We'll keep an eye on it," I reassure him, "now take your shower. You totally smell."

Naruto snorts out a laugh and shoos me out of the bathroom. I slip out the door and close it behind me, heading to Naruto's bedroom. I set the pill bottle on top of his dresser and tuck it away behind a stack of books. I feel much better now that it's not just sitting out in the open.

After that's done I crawl into Naruto's bed and pull out my phone. The message with the shit emoji is still the first thing up, and I stifle a laugh when it pops up after my lock-screen.

"That's you," I tap back and hit send, even though he's literally in the other room.

I hear Kiba's phone ding from across the apartment and a moment later, the grey dots appear and disappear, followed by a message with an emoji of a rooster.

"This is you," reads the message that follows.

I'm a cock? How quaint.

I send a laughing emoji then Kiba starts to type again. He sends an emoji of narutomaki and then says, "It's Naruto."

I chuckle at that and then type, "Accurate."

We continue a ridiculous back and forth, not talking about anything important. Eventually he says he's going to bed. It's still pretty early—just past nine—but he's probably had enough to drink to make him tired. I tell him goodnight and then decide to check my emails and messages and other notifications.

Soon, the bedroom door is pushed open and Naruto enters. He's wearing a t-shirt and shorts, towel drying his hair. By the time he's done it looks like a fucking mess.

"Cute," I comment only half-jokingly as he tosses the towel aside.

"What? You don't like my shower hair?" he teases back.

"I said it was cute didn't I?" I reply, feigning innocence.

He climbs into bed next to me without bothering to brush his crazy hair and I set my phone on the night stand. This is our third night in a row sleeping together, and I'm getting pretty used to it.

"You were right," I decide to admit, "I like Kiba."

Naruto gives me a soft smile. "Good," he tells me, "he likes you too. I can tell."

"Yeah, because he stopped hollering at me every time I came over," I laugh.

"He needed to warm up to you," he explains, rolling onto his back and staring up at the ceiling.

"I'll probably talk to him about all that soon enough," I say. "I don't want to bring it up too soon and have him get mad again, but I do think it's important for us to acknowledge the past."

"Yeah, I agree," Naruto responds. "I think it'll be good for you both to talk about it."

"I think so, too," I concur.

Naruto rolls onto his side and I do the same so we're face to face. He reaches forward and pushes my bangs out of my face. "What do yah feel like doing?" he asks me. "It's still pretty early. Are you tired?"

"Not yet," I say.

"We can watch a movie?" he suggests. "Or just talk. Whatever you feel like doing."

"We can talk," I decide, "I feel like I've been watching so many movies lately. I've exhausted all the good documentaries on Netflix. It's like basically all I do."

Naruto chuckles at that. "You'll have to start watching the ones on Youtube. They have some good ones and they're short so they're not as much time commitment. Once I watched one about this creepy new drug in Russia that makes people's limbs fall off and shit."

"Krokodil?" I ask.

"Oh my god, yeah," he looks surprised, "jeez, you really have seen them all."

"I told you!" I smile.

"You have such an awesome brain," Naruto says, poking my forehead, "it's crazy that you can remember all this stuff."

I chuckle at that. "Yeah, I've got a lot of useless facts stored away."

"It must be easy for you to study, huh?"

"Yeah, when I actually feel up to it," I say. "I remember most things I read, especially if they're of interest."

I feel like I might be ready to go back to school next year, but now I am not sure if I want to be a lawyer. I don't think I do, but I know that my dad will be angry. I'm dreading telling my parents. They don't even know I got a job. They'll probably be livid when they find out.

"That's really cool," Naruto says. "You're impressive."

I snort at that. "Thanks."

We chat for a while longer about innocent things, like how his day was and if he's feeling prepared for midterms. He asks me if I really think I'll be able to handle working at the liquor store and I tell him I hope so, then we talk about making time to go out to breakfast on Saturday.

Eventually, Naruto reaches out and places a hand behind my ear, tangling his fingers in my hair. "I'm really glad we're together," he tells me, face unfaltering, "I don't know how I'd get through all the crazy shit that's been going on if you weren't around."

"You're sweet," I reply, closing my eyes and letting myself feel the warmth of his hand on my face.

This feels so nice. It's hard to believe how annoying I thought he was at the start of the year. It's hard to believe that the prospect of a romantic relationship scared me so much. It's hard to believe I'm lying here in bed with someone I never thought I'd be in this position with.

"I feel that way, too," I tell him a moment later, opening my eyes to peer at him.

He's still smiling. He leans forward and pecks me on the lips. It's quick and chaste and when he pulls back, he says, "I'm glad."

He's so nice and so good. I inch a little closer to him. This feels so comfortable. I never thought I'd feel this comfortable with another person.

As my face gets nearer to his, he pecks me again. "You're so cute," he whispers.

I squirm a little and Naruto kisses me on the forehead and then the nose. "Stop it," I say with a squeak, feeling embarrassed.

"Hush," he tells me, "Kiba will hear you."

"You hush," I retort.

Naruto smirks and twirls his fingers in my hair. "You're feeling kind of feisty, aren't ya?" he comments.

My face starts to get hot. "I'm not," I insist.

He just laughs and moves his hand from my head to my shoulder, giving it a squeeze.

I think I have a sense of where this is going. I feel like I should let it happen. I WANT it to happen. I just don't want a repeat of last time.

This time, I make the move. I lean in and kiss him, inching close until our bodies are pressed firmly together. He brings his hand down to my hip and keeps me close. I part my lips and we exchange a string of sloppy, open-mouthed kisses. I feel like we haven't really made out since I freaked out when we had sex. I can hardly consider that sex. I want to make it up to him, but I still can't tell if I'm ready.

When we break apart, Naruto tightens his grip on my waist and then rolls over, pulling me so I'm on top of him.

"Naruto –"

"We can stop whenever you want," he says, like he's reading my mind. He's so nice and understanding. "Just say the word."

I don't respond. Instead, I sit up on his lap and pull my shirt off, tossing it aside. This feels okay. So far, at least.

Naruto slides his hands into the elastic of the sweatpants I'm wearing and starts feeling up my ass. "You look so fuckin' good," he comments.

I smile down at him and let him touch me, trying to focus on how his fingers feel against my skin instead of how nervous I am. I want this to be a good experience. I don't want to think about my crappy memories because I don't want to associate them with this.

I can do this. I can totally do this. I'm ready to have sex with Naruto. I'm excited to have sex with Naruto. If I do it this first time, all the times after will come easily.

"Will you take off your pants for me?" Naruto asks, gazing up at me through half-lidded eyes and a smirk on his face. He phrases it like a question but it doesn't really sound like one.

I get off of him and stand up, staring at him where he lays. I push my hands past the rim of my pants and shorts before pushing them down. Naruto perches himself up on his elbows and stares at me. The way he watches makes me feel kind of shy. I don't really know why. I never used to feel like this. I could get naked in front of whoever I brought back to my bed and I didn't care. I'm just glad the lights are dim, because I think every inch of my skin is probably burning. I feel like it is. I feel hot and flushed, like I'm working myself up into some sort of haze.

I step out of my clothes, leaving them on the floor before joining Naruto back on the bed. "Your turn," I say.

With another little smirk, he complies. He sits up and pulls his shirt off before leaning back. He raises his hips before taking his pyjama pants off. He's already half hard. I'm still completely soft.

"You okay?" he asks me.

I nod my head, feeling somewhat feverish.

"Here, lie down."

I do as he says, lying flat on the bed. He kneels in front of me, grabbing my legs and pulling me towards him so my ass is aligned with his crotch. But he doesn't touch me there yet. Instead, he just reaches for my dick and starts jerking me off. I force myself to relax, wrapping my legs around his waist.

I close my eyes. I try to LET myself be turned on. It's difficult, though. I can feel Naruto's erection against my backside. I decide to open my eyes since keeping them closed isn't doing the trick. What if I can't get hard? At this rate, it feels like a possibility.

Naruto looks so into this. It makes me feel shitty because I'm having this internal dialogue with myself, freaking out about whether or not I'll even be able to get it up.

"Hey, are you okay?" he asks me again.

"Yeah," I respond. "Sorry."

He shakes his head. "Just keep your eyes open. It's just me here."

I try to concentrate on the sensations. I try not to think about anything else.

"Here, hold on," Naruto says a second later, letting go and leaning over the side of the bed towards the nightstand, "I have some lube."

He opens the top drawer one-handed, holding me in place with the other, and fishes around blindly for a second before pulling out a small bottle.

"Maybe this will help," he says, reaching back around my waist with the bottle in hand and popping the lid open in front of me. He rests his chin on my shoulder so he can see what he's doing, and empties a small amount of the gel into his palm. Then he clicks the lid back on and tosses the bottle aside.

Naruto wraps his hand around my dick and starts stroking again.

"Ah," I shudder, and I hear Naruto chuckle softly in my ear.

"That better?" he whispers.

"Yeah... that's better," I whisper, feeling squirmy. "Feels good," I add in a murmur.

Naruto looks pleased. He keeps his eyes firmly on me and I don't mind so much, but it does make me feel a little shy still.

"You are so cute," he compliments.

I think I feel this because I like him so much. It sounds bad, but I've never done it with someone I've liked before. It's always been with girls or assholes. Now it's completely different because I'm not doing it with someone I don't care about I'm doing it with someone I do care about. A lot. It makes me feel pressured.

I feel like I'm doing it right this time but I'm also doing it wrong. Am I trying to force myself? Why doesn't this feel right yet? It's been months... I wish I could get over it. Fuck. I feel like I'm having intrusive thoughts and the vague, choppy memories just keep replaying.

"Stop," I tell him.

"What?"

"I said stop," I repeat, and he lets go.

"Are you okay?" he asks urgently.

"I'm fine, I just—I can't do this yet," I tell him, reaching for the comforter and covering myself up, "I'm not ready."

Naruto sighs heavily but he wraps his arms around my chest and pulls me backwards to lean on the pillows with him. "That's alright, of course we'll stop," he tells me reassuringly, but it's obvious that he's disappointed.

Hell, I'm disappointed too. I'm so ready to not have to deal with this anymore.

"I'm sorry," I murmur quietly, feeling guilty.

"Don't be," he insists, "these things take time."

"This much time?" I ask.

"Yeah. It's okay, really," Naruto tells me again.

But I don't feel like it is okay. I feel like no matter how reassuring Naruto is he will eventually get tired of waiting. Then again maybe I'm just not having enough faith I him.

"Sorry..." I mumble again.

"It's fine , really," he insists. "We will take things as slow as you need. I don't mind."

But I mind. I want to be okay enough to share this with him and it is so fucking frustrating that I'm not. It's so embarrassing and it's making me feel pathetic as hell.

"Okay," I mumble, leaning into him. He plays with my hair and doesn't say anything else for now.

This sucks. Fuck.

I feel beyond insecure. Every inch of my body is uncomfortable and I wish that I could just relax into Naruto's arms but that doesn't seem like something that's going to happen.

"Hey," he whispers, continuing to run his fingers along my head and neck, "stop worrying."

I must have been holding my breath because as soon as he says it I let out a heavy sigh. I guess this is what it's come to. I'm super obvious now. It's like he can read my mind.

"We can just go to sleep," Naruto suggests, giving me a little squeeze with the arm he has wrapped around me, "if you don't want to talk we can deal with it another night."

"Alright," I comply, "another night then."

With that, we hunker down. I keep my head rested in the crook of Naruto's arm and he twists himself into a position around my body that seems uncomfortable but he doesn't complain.

"Sleep well," he says, giving me a kiss on the forehead.

"Good night," I mumble back.


End file.
